Wildflowers and Weeds

Friendship Life Lessons

2012-02-10T17:22:00.000-07:00

Who Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? Part IV and Final

2012-02-08T14:57:00.003-07:00

On December 11, 2012 my friend Dancee called me three times from her home phone. The phone call went straight to my voice mail. I was passed out, over-dosed on Soma muscle relaxers. Dancee had no idea, neither did her father Frosty, my BFF.

Dancee holding on tight to Zion, her favorite toy when she comes to "Lori Ann's"


Frosty being his usual Bonafide Crazy self, and me joining in! Definitely joining in! We may be CRAZY, but we have FUN!

Frosty and I have much in common. Frosty and I understand the ups and downs felt not just by life situations, but by the quirky chemistry that sends our moods soaring high and happy, when creativity and energy abound, only to have it plummet into despair. We get it, we have bi-polar or manic-depressive mood disorder; and we have become responsible to an illness that can become debilitating, ruin relationships, cause financial havoc, and many other unlikeable places in life, but it does not have to... if managed, if understood, and if recognized . Life is rich, deep and blissfully happy when we allow it; recognizing that we are responsible and our lives are a journey and we are NOT our illness.

Bless not only the road but the bumps on the road. They are all part of the higher journey.
~Julia Cameron

To Frosty and his beautiful children Dancee and Dylan-- thank you for watching over me...and allowing me to watch over you. It has been a beautiful new found friendship for all of us, one that seemed like a comfortable old glove that was worn for eternity and we just found the other mate with one another. I love each one of you like my own family. What can one say about an unconditional friendship built on no expectations other than, we do our best, and sometimes our best is...checking out--or checking "IN" for a bit.

To my friends I met at the McKay PsyChe Inn, I will be forever grateful for the impact you made on my life; you taught me a great deal in a short amount of time. To the care-taker's at the "Inn" it is my hope and prayer that you may find some type of compassion, if not the very least, some satisfaction in your job that affects so many lives. I leave with you this message after my experience in the Cuckoo's Nest...

No one person is better than another. Patient, Doctor, President, Popper.
If you find yourself competing, comparing, complaining or miserable,
you are in pain and you're a painful person.
You only change you.
It's a journey. The journey IS hard, but you choose how you ride.
I'll see ya on the bumpy road.

Who Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? Part III

2012-01-16T19:29:00.014-07:00

I so appreciate the smallest of things. Little gestures, kind words permeating with a sincere tone, comfortably staring into a loved ones eyes, snuggling, giggling, talking, listening, AND being listened to.


Last week--me getting a precious snuggle with Dancee and Zion.

I grew up on "The Farm." I didn't know that things were tough, things just were...as they were. Everybody worked, or at least everyone was expected to work. Getting things done, THAT was valued. It was valued above all else, or so it seemed. "Crops don't wait." Dad would say, "Cows don't wait. If the cows don't get milked on time they get sick, they die!" They die? You mean if you don't hold up your end of the deal, bad things happen? Like dieing?

We minded our p's and q's, but when the grown ups were away, OH the mice did play! All work and no play made THE FARM a dull place. The Allen farm was never a dull place. The Jack Nicholson movie "Cuckoo's Nest" from the 60's was no dull place either. I recommend it, but don't be alarmed by Hollywood's 'shock' factor.

I'm all grown up now, and my visit to the cuckoo's nest, while being a different type of cuckoo's nest than on the farm, was in some ways, kinda similar.

We the patients were much like the cows and chickens on the farm. Feed 'em, that seems to make 'em happy. And if we bellered or squawked loud enough, we may get special treatment like another pillow or some ibuprofen. It may take a few hours, and we will have to squawk (or moo) several times before we get what ever it is we're squawkin' for.

Counselor: "Group is in 5 minutes!"

My thinking: "Oh yay, we get to go drag our sorry asses down to a big room and take turns professing what our goal is for the day."

"Hi, my name is Lori, and my goal is to get another pillow. I know it is going to be difficult, because they only have one per bed on this unit, but I believe that since all the beds are not full, one of the many employee's here, will take pity on me and see that i will sleep better with another pillow. Thank you."

"Hi, my name is Sam...and uhhh my goal is, well, I guess my goal is to by the end of the day, uhhhh, have a goal." (this really happened)

Facilitator with a college degree: "Thank you Lori and Sam! Now how about you Ginger? And MaryAnne, you'll be next, so be thinking?" Go ahead Gilligan, because we actually haven't heard from you all week."

OK, so the Gilligan part was added for affect, but you get my point?

The real crazy thing..."Group" was the best part of my entire psychiatric treatment at McKay PsyCe Inn. I did have one social worker that finally got real. On day two as she began her mechanical questions/ paper work, I begged her kindly to stop the bureauratic madness, for i was going home that day and her questions were unnecessary. We then had a rather real talk about mental health care and the fact that insurance companies dictate the care of the mentally ill. I suppose i have known this in some ways because of my experience with 20 plus years of counseling and insurance claims. Never have i known it or saw it up close and personal, until i stayed right inside the Cuckoo's Nest myself.

than THIS?!

This is definitely more IMPORTANT...

So here it is: two nurses stations, filled with... of course.... nurses, nurse students (usually quite nice), counselors, social workers, psychiatrists, paper-work people, more paper-work people, and all of them are either doing paper work! or sitting with their backs away from the patients (I mean for HEAVEN SAKES, these people (patients) are CRAZY), why shouldn't they?! Oh unless of course it's "GROUP" then we all sit in a semi-circle, facing the counselors. Yay!!

When i was growing up, the cows either stayed in their stalls (some patients stayed in their rooms all day until meals), or they congregated together. --What were those cows discussing? Farm peace, how to get the debt under control?!-- I saw similar behavior with my co-patients/friends. When it was feeding time on the farm the cows stuck close to the manger. Likewise, at meal times, many hung around anxiously awaiting their one and half star meal! I suppose people and cows hang together for like reasons, they like to eat and feel supported by one another.

For the record, i did noticed one doctor visiting one lady for over an hour. I'm not sure if that was because he was a really great, interested and concerned Doc or counselor, or because her sobs and crying kept him trapped?

If you have caught my satirical message, GOOD, that was intentional. Keep in mind that when checking into a "Cuckoo's Nest" all dignity is stripped. Never mind the fact that we are in a "LOCK DOWN" facility, much like cows in a corral (I get that, it is for every one's safety, it still doesn't make you feel comfortable, it sorta feels prison-like for some reason). All belongings are taken from you, including something as terribly threatening and dangerous as chapstick! If you are tired, upset, suicidal, etc., so long as you can talk, the paper work has to be done, over and over and over again. Many poor, impersonal professionals, that seemingly dislike or are "desensitized" to their jobs, for as i discussed with my nurse as she explained "you can become desensitized working here." My comment to my nurse (loud enough for all the paper-workers to hear), "then maybe you should think about a different profession? Certainly a different floor than caring for and working with the mentally ill. If ever anyone needs compassion, it would be someone whom has no desire for living."

A hug. It does a body good.

Milk. It does a body good.

Dad took "The Farm" seriously, he found that playing comforting music while the cows were milked set the mood. The cows were happier and they produced more milk. Endearing, yes. Smart, yes. If a cow was in trouble he left the dinner table immediately and tended to her needs. Some still died, but definitely less, because Dad cared, he cared deeply and he got things done.

MENTAL HEALTH CARE PROVIDERS, INSURANCE COMPANIES, LAWYERS, put down your paper work and greed, and CARE, less people will die. I guarantee it.

And oh btw---I'm a business woman also, there is more profit when people are healthy, particularly mentally, alive and show up to work. Missing work due to depression

As a society America turns a blind eye to mental illness. Is this because of the Hollywood sensationalism of mental illness, is it fear, is it ignorance??? Look around, people hurt, people suffer, they stay silent, why is this???

Silence kills, whether you die or not.

Who Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? Part II

2012-01-09T18:18:00.001-07:00

It's hard to say who I became most endeared to on my stay at the McKay Dee PHyCe Inn. Kathryn, Dale, Janice, Lisa, Bill, Carol, or the two teenagers, Haley and Cody, (names have been changed for privacy). It's doubtful I will ever see any of them again.

Kathryn seemed to be a "regular" on the ward. The first time i saw her she walked up to me and asked "Do you want to be my friend?" Kathryn walked the corridor daily. Her goal was to walk "25 miles a day." I have no doubt 'Kathryn's miles' drove the Mr. and Miss Ratchet's, (the care-takers/ nurses) of the Psych ward crazy themselves. She passed back and forth in front of the nurses station, walking hours every day. On day two, I decided to be Kathryn's friend, so we walked, up and down the 100 ft. of hall back and forth. I asked questions, she answered enthusiastically. Kathryn is 63. Kathryn is schizophrenic. She didn't need to tell me she was scizophrenic; I knew after talking with her for a short time. When we would get to the end of the corridor the doors had 4 small windows in them, we would stop and she would have me look through the windows, she told me when i looked through the windows i would see "something very special." As we looked into both sets of double doors, each with four small windows in them what i saw was just more of the hospital, what Kathryn saw was the "pre-existence." She saw "Heavenly Father performing celestial marriages."

Kathryn is a beautiful soul, no guile, not pretense, such a special innocence. She had been admitted to have her "medication adjusted."

I noticed Dale and Janice both at breakfast on the second day. I ate breakfast that morning on a different side of the unit (of which i refer to as number one), apparantly the wrong side! I was unaware I had to stay on my side of the unit, crossing over was a no-no! I actually now understand this, for as it seems, the ward is divided into 3 parts: one) suicidal/ unpredictable-- two) possibly threatening to oneself-- three) stabelizing/ no threat to themselves or others. Now it makes sense why there's no wandering about in the psych ward. I was in the # two section.

Ok, my room didn't look like this. Do you have to be FAMOUS to get a psych room like THIS?

Dale was quick to say hello and take up idle chit chat before breakfast. I was reading my book, awaiting another, oh so fabulous anticipated meal! My psychiatric sabbatical was starving me of good food and a decent bed. Dale and Janice's stories helped me forget my aching back and the rotten food i choked down to lessen the hunger pains in my stomach. Dale had checked in late the night before. He had arrived from Vegas and was feeling suicidal. Odd, i can usually see, feel and detect sadness and depression like a metal detector on a beach. Later that afternoon i would fit the pieces of the puzzle together...and then there was Janice.

Janice sitting on a table, alone, red in the face, evidence of a long night of crying, any second, tears could begin again like a river. And they did. The 3 of us ate a 1 and 1/2 star breakfast together. Janice too had checked in the night before feeling suicidal. Janice sat quietly holding back a flood of emotions, as Dale and I conversed. Dale loved the breakfast. Dale excused himself. My questions and attention quickly turned to Janice and almost immediately the flood came. Her story was not unusual, her dragons look familiar to many. Her desire to start a new life was respectable. I have no doubt Janice is out there, somewhere, winning the fight against her dragons. She owned her dragons, right there, in the psyche ward at that table, defeated? Almost, but still brave enough to check in to McKay PsyChe Inn, get help and Move On! Tough, resilient, respectable lady. I hope to see Janice again.

Dale, oh Dale, checked himself in late Monday night... on his way out by Tuesday, 4:00 p.m., cab ride to bus station provided, ticket back home to Florida provided, cheaper for hospital/ insurance (doubt that he had any) than to keep him at McKay PsyCe Inn. One smart drug addict. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: "So what's your drug of choice?"
Dale: "Speed"
Me: "How long have you been using?"
Dale: "Since I was a teenager, so 20-25 years."
Me: "So do you think you are ready to get clean?"
Dale: "No.'
Me: i chuckle. "I appreciate your honesty, so why not?"
Dale: "Nothing to really get clean for, I have no kids, no real responsibility, but i do need to stay away from Vegas, that shit's just too heavy for me."
Me: "So Florida is home? You have no money, right? How are you going to get your next fix without going into withdrawals?"
Dale: "When you live this life you know the game, you know where to find connections..., in every city."
Me: "So what you're saying is, the life you're living is good enough, that the heat isn't hot enough for you to get out; even though you checked yourself in to a psych ward last night? Is that right?"

I think you know the answer. I like Dale, the problem i see? Dale didn't think much of Dale, so he has settled. Settled for what is easy, or at least what he knows from a lifetime of habits.

Choices, we all have choices. Dale's choices for Dale are working for him. It is why he does not change.

Dale and i were waiting for our rides at the same time. Mine came first. I won't ever see Dale, or know what becomes of him, but my guess is, where ever he is...

he's high.

Who Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? Part I

2012-01-01T19:18:00.014-07:00

We can do some pretty CRAZY things to get out of PAIN!! And then, that can sometimes cause more PAIN...Ahhhh the circle. Circle of life. Circle of pain. Connection of body, mind and soul. No doubt that our physical body is tied to our mental and emotional well being... and in my opinion our spiritual side as well.

HEY! So what's wrong with checking out for the afternoon? A little

R&R, rest and relaxation AT LAST

for the mind, body and soul? Is that so bad?

So I took a few muscle relaxers last month. It was a Sunday, i took 3 Soma's, (OK, 2 more than prescribed) to be exact. These are some pretty good drugs, but 3 just doesn't knock me out. I got a little work done on the computer...but honestly, I WANT SO BADLY NOT TO FEEL THIS PAIN! What? Why this pain? It's ridiculous. It's screaming from the base of my back, to my neck and shoulders...

I want an ENTIRE DAY OFF and OUT, just for the day! Four more Soma's ought to do it, a little or maybe a lot of Ibuprofen for the inflammation. Phone. Off. Bu Bye.

# of hours later? Enter on the scene----- concerned BFF and children. Knocking at my door.

I can't hear a thing, I have succeeded, I'm OUT.

They hear shuffling sounds from inside, but no answer. 10 minutes go by and she (me) stumbles to the door... reports in slurred speech her bad behavior. Uses an unusual amount of negative 4 letter words, yet declares total control. BFF and children give 2 choices:

1) go by ambulance (oh paleeze, HATE DRAMA) to hospital to check out seriousness of ingested med's.

2) go willingly with loving and calm children to hospital.
Shit. I'll take #2.

I didn't know there was a law or such repercussion for checking out for an afternoon. It does not matter if your back is screaming with pain 24/7. It does not matter what causes it. It does not matter if it's real (as THEY, those incredible experts say) or "in your head." It's still screaming and you manage it, or you don't. In this case, my overall management sucked. My pain management sucked. My reasoning sucked. And my judgment sucked. And come to find out, after 48 hours in the McKay Dee Psyche Inn, so does mental health care suck. Terribly. Sucks terribly.

Emergency room admittance attendee: "What brought you in here tonight?"

Me: "I just wanted a little relief, check out time. I took a few too many Soma's."

Emergency room admittance attendee: "Were you trying to kill yourself?"

Me: "NO!! I would NEVER do that. I would never do that to my children, but if someone could give me cancer and i could die respectfully then YES! I'm tired. I just want a *!@# bit of relief!"

Emergency room admittance attendee: "Does that mean if a train hit you, and killed you, that would be OK?"

Me: "Oh *@!# Yes!"

My BF shot this charming pic of me. Huh? Yep. Bad behavior = bad results.

ADMITTing To PsyChiatric UnIT--one 48 year old woman. Approximate stay: 48 hours.

No doubt-- 48 hours of HELL.

But then again: Bad behavior = Bad results. Period.

Now here's the thing...I am not against mental health care, or seeking out professional help. I advocate for it all the time! What saddens me, actually APPALLS me, is the care that is given to the mentally ill! This facility I stayed in is a rather highly rated mental health facility. The first 24 hours was nothing but a barrage of taking vital signs, interrupting my much needed sleep, answering the exact same question to 20 different people, filling out paper work that asks the exact same questions. and NEVER feeling cared about. Never feeling any type of compassion, and what's worse, not witnessing it from one care taker to any patient-- PERSON. YES, they are PEOPLE!!! The mentally ill are people, each one with some varying degree of chemical or situational problem(s), probably both.

This could be you, your spouse, your child or you BF.

To ignore them is ignorance and it's a problem we have in our society.

Seriously! How difficult is it to truly care about an individual unconditionally? Everyone has a story. And OH the stories I heard in such a short stay at McKay Psyche Inn. Everyone is important. Just taking little blocks of time, little opportunities to get to know really amazing, interesting and wonderful people...with no prejudice, no guile and no judgment.

Everyone can use a hug every once in a while...

Tender moments. Life is made of tender moments.

Aren't we ALL a little bit 'crazy' at one time or another?

Do the Miss (or Mr.) Ratchet's of the world make, "One or (many) Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?" I encountered many Miss Ratchet's, luckily for only a short period at McKay Psyche Inn. Shouldn't the care takers of those with mental challenges, those who are suicidal, down on their luck or needing acceptance, love and security so desperately that they would check themselves in to a psych ward so they are not a threat to themselves; or maybe just maybe, they are hopeful to find that someone/ANYONE does love and accept them exactly as they are--real unconditional love!

In my observation when there is a proportional amount of the same health care workers as there are patients and the paper work and bureaucracy gets in the way before serving the people---"Houston, we have a problem!" I saw more interaction and reciprocal love happening between co-patients than those "professionals" whom are paid and educated to help heal the mentally ill--I wonder "Who flew over the cuckoo's nest?'

Interesting observation...who is really helping whom?

A Christmas Perspective

2011-12-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

Something may be taking place...right before you, in your life and your perception may be completely distorted or miscued. We live our lives through our own eyes and experiences. Of course!

To step out of your own box...your own shoes for a moment? is this possible in your realm???

I watch in awe as this painter, in a matter of a couple of minutes creates this...it's worth your time and reflection.

Beautiful & Amazing

What looks to be splatters of paint on a canvas, when turned upside down, becomes an entirely different picture altogether.

This morning I picked up my notebook that i have written goals, and journaled in over the last 10 years. I have written in it intermittenly, most of my journal is kept privately on my computer. I read through the entries and gained some rather important insight as to my growth. I am both humbled and proud of who i have become through the triumphs and the defeats of my life.

The insights i gained about my life and who i have evolved to be, because of my experiences brings me both elation as well as heart ache. Today i work diligently on living for today, in the moment, enjoying what i have, loving who is in my life and what i can do to serve and love those around me. Life is full and simple...and if i choose empty and complicated. It depends on the way i flip it.

This year i have not bought a single gift for Christmas, nor will i receive any either, and this is exactly as it should be. Each year is different, and love grows through experience, humility and perspective.

I wish you the happiest of holidays~

Christmas Light Braggin' Right

2011-12-19T16:09:00.004-07:00

Competition seems to happen in ALL neighborhoods.

I'm not very impressed with show off's and bragger's.

I AM however,

crazy about humorous folks with NO EGO...

sometimes it's hard to tell which is which.

And sometimes, not.

Voyage of Discovery

2011-12-17T13:53:00.000-07:00

High Winds on the Yellow Brick Road

2011-12-05T15:32:00.003-07:00

Last Thursday December 1, 2011 was an unusual day for Utahn's, particularly in Davis County. As I drove to and from the University of Utah I was thinking, "could I be in Kansas or better yet could I wake up in Oz?" But naaaa, no yellow brick roads around here, just another day of dodging shrapnel from the latest wind storm. This one was a bad one.

I-15 littered with semi-trucks on their sides.

Greasy side up!


Wrong place. Wrong time. Definitely.

So do you consider yourself lucky, unlucky, blessed, better, worse, privileged, ahhh, not so much if you were the owner of this car. How about the truck driver's who got the protected spots under the bridges? Lucky? Were they smart or did they get there first, maybe both.

As i tossed about in my low profile car quite confident, although shaky, i still felt safe. Then i thought about the vulnerability of these unsuspecting truck drivers innocently passing through this stretch of highway, only to be tipped completely over or halted for hours. The line of high profile trucks stopped along the side of the freeway was nearly comical. Do they still use CB's these days? "HEY good buddy, you got your ears on? Cuz there's a whole lotta greasy side up..."

As a child one of the scariest movies I watched repeatedly was the Wizard of Oz. I was terrified by the Wicked Witch, even though I knew the outcome, I still had that anxious and scared feeling throughout the movie. It has taken me a life time, as i now close in on 50 to face my fears, step up to all my responsibilities, and weather out the storms that come when least expected. I suppose I have always had this strength, I just now earned enough life lessons to get my red ruby slippers.

These things skip through my mind...are some born wearing red ruby slippers? Does this entitle them to privileges above others? Do some never get any slippers at all, possibly because they never even considered they were good enough to wear slippers, let alone red ruby ones? What entitles or differentiates one soul from another? I may have to travel to Oz to figure that one completely out.

One thing I do know, Dorothy was lucky to have Toto...

Cancer, SDB's and HELL Part II

2011-11-26T08:59:00.001-07:00

SDB's...or Self Destructive Behavior! We all do it, but to what degree? And do we recognize and own it? And is it life threatening? Drunk driving, drugs, over-eating, under-eating, over-working, over-playing, self-absorption, self-deprecating, or even giving up when cancer is the diagnosis? These are quite introspective questions.

As I had the pleasure of reading more posts from the Mesothelioma Cancer Blog I was inspired by the story of Heather Von St. James who had her lung removed, the lining around her lung, her 6th rib, and the left half of her diaphragm. The lining of her heart was replaced with surgical gortex. A heated chemotherapy treatment called "shake and bake" which heats a drug and was pumped through her chest cavity swirled around for an hour and pumped back out is partially credited for saving her life. What seems completely obvious to me was her will to live, her optimism took over and the mantra, "Dying was not an option." Powerful. Inspiring. I saw this same strong will in my Dad. Again, powerful, inspiring, and a blessing...to many.

We make choices in our lives. We make them every day. And we make mistakes, which in turn can bring us heartache and pain, yet if we are brave enough to face those mistakes and learn from them, we become richer by the day.

This is life and going through these things with those we love makes the journey that much more meaningful. Self destruction, sickness, recovery, health, death, all of these things are the roads we travel. Some of them alone, some together. All of them necessary to get to our final destination. When we can get to the point when we can look back, count our blessings and know that the pain, the mistakes and all the lessons brought us to who and where we are presently; and we can be thankful and grateful with no regrets, then life is sweet.

Is going through HELL part of appreciating and knowing when you may have already been or experienced HEAVEN? Can you experience Heaven here on earth? I have no doubt if asked, many of you would say you have experienced Hell. What and why the differences?

Much love on your journey, Lori~

Cancer, SDB's, and HELL Part I

2011-11-21T09:03:00.007-07:00


Dad and Rondy Mom2 at Subway after Whole Health Treatment before Chemo started

Last November I was reeling with Headaches, Homework and Cancer. This year there is still homework, some headaches mixed with backaches, but no cancer! Seriously, my Dad, the tough yet humble old farmer that he is; brilliant, stubborn, cocky, kind, humorous, serious, take charge, loving man promised a miracle...and He, meaning the Lord, delivered. Esophageal cancer gone.


Dad and my sis Sherry...tender.

I must admit I was fearful and lacked faith. However my parents have provided my sister and me with a level of stability that I suppose comes with many "dysfunctional loving families." I honor and admire my parents for all they stand for, endured and overcame throughout their lives. All 3 of them have great integrity and character born from their trials in life.

I received an email and information about lung cancer/mesothelioma from a reader back in August and he asked me if I would spread the word about lung cancer. Lung cancer is the second-most diagnosed cancer in both men and women. This disease is responsible for more than one-fourth of all cancer deaths that occur in the United States each year.

While the victims used to be overwhelmingly men, that gap is closing, says the ACS. Cigarette smoking remains the major reason for the disease, but environmental factors, exposure to second-hand smoke, and exposure to asbestos or radon are also responsible for many cases of this aggressive cancer.

As it goes in life we generally are not so interested in something unless it touches us personally. I remember as a young girl the fear of losing my beloved Grandma and Grandpa King because they smoked; I remember hearing that smoking would "kill you." In fact lung cancer did kill my Grandma and my Aunt Barbara, both in their 60's. My beautiful mother cared for these women whom she loved to the core to the day they died, loving them unconditionally. Yes, smoking kills and we have developed in our country an abhorrence for smoking, it has become socially unpopular. I have compassion for this enslaving addiction that kills. Those who have been imprisoned with addiction only know how it can rule your life and the further social judgments make it more painful. There are many self destructive things we do that kill or hurt us, some not as obvious as smoking.

My oldest son turned to smoking at 16 years old to "calm his nerves." He kept it hidden from his friends; therefore it is obvious he was not doing it because of social pressure. The cigarettes were a gateway to a 7 year path of drugs and alcohol, of which ended in a year long battle with methadone, a pseudo detox. The real detox was 2 weeks of HELL and another 6 months of physical withdrawal (methadone stays in the body for months) and mental/emotional mind over matter still to this day. He has been drug free coming up on 6 years.

Cancer, self destructive behaviors, self medicating, all touch our lives either directly or indirectly at some time. Knowledge and awareness can be the best defense and offense.

I wish you the best in your journey...

No Rainbows without Storms

2011-11-04T19:32:00.004-06:00

A few years ago i started a series of letters to my son Chase entitled "life lessons." I thought the subject matter was important, so i passed it on to my two other boys. While searching in a book store a year later, after some dear friends lost their 15 year old daughter in a skiing accident, I peculiarly came upon a book called, "Life Lessons." I purchased it and it has been one of my favorite reads, rereads and give-a-way books. The messages in it are poignant and life altering.

I began blogging while Chase was serving an LDS mission so he could read more life lessons and I had a way of expression and reaching out to those who may have gone through similar journeys, i.e. life lessons. I have been open, honest, candid and raw. Writing has been enjoyable for me, particularly when my dogs end up being part of my posts, they make me laugh, they have brought simple joy and healing. I have tried to share what may be of use to others, and keep some level of privacy.


Chase holding PAC, he loves his pic taken (PAC does).

When I begin writing a post I have no particular end in mind, some event or personal experience will cause me to think beyond the surface, learn something or I find meaning in it. All things are not monumental, yet with greater examination there are many miracles that happen day in and day out. As I get older I give gratitude for harsh life lessons. My harsh lessons have increased my awareness, accountability, responsibility, compassion, perseverance and my appreciation for the simple things life has to offer. I feel less entitled this year than ever before. I cannot remember ever having worked more or harder at staying financially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy. I have learned to trust God and let my fears rest with Him.

(never, ever will i lose my humor, it is forbidden)

Today I am most grateful and completely indebted to God for carrying me when I was to weak to walk or even crawl alone. I have been afforded mental health during situational stresses of great proportion. My boys have been sustained and learned the importance of respect, hard work and that being exactly who they are is completely perfect, despite what social pressures may be put upon them in our world. We choose to be happy and we also choose to own up to our mistakes and responsibilities with integrity. This is a lesson I wish for all.

Some events and some people may come like tornadoes into our lives, we know not where they come from, they whip through, cause destruction, and leave with the aftermath of clean up and healing. Other events and people are like rainbows, the beautiful color is always there, it just takes time for the storm to clear, the sun to come out... and you must be looking for the rainbow. Once the colors of the rainbow start to heal your soul and you have felt its purity, its truth will never die. Living in full color rather than grey or black, is a place I personally had to go to; it was then I was able to see and experience my rainbow and the journey ahead looks beautiful. My rainbow was never very far away, the storm was just long, but my rainbow is beautiful and I would never have recognized the rainbow had it not been for the storm.


My Dad caught a picture of this double rainbow on our farm where i grew up. Priceless.

Timing and preparing your life to receive love is everything. Rainbows are funny that way and I love every single color about them!

The Long Road Home

2011-10-19T07:56:00.007-06:00

The long way home

Some pain is in your soul for so long it becomes unknown to you, you hardly know it's there, until it is gone... It's lingering affects have been chemical warfare silently killing you with each breath you take and each thought you make, or you have chose to bury it so long you were unaware it lived inside. My pain has been mostly private and silent, occasionally manifesting itself in a violent or melancholy dream or self destructive behaviors. This was mostly acted out in my 30's. I wonder, am I alone?, there must be others with some stories similar to my own?

I am getting older, hopefully wiser, feeling less entitled and more grateful for the roads I have traveled, no matter the bumps in the road. Life can be hard for many, and probably for most; no one is entitled to a privileged life, although the American dream still holds fast. I have not, or do not ever give up and it is not necessarily the monetary riches that i once sought in my 20's that i seek now, it is peace and contentment of a secure and fun life, filled with time, friends and family.

At this juncture I am no more, actually less inclined, to share my burdens with others, i find peace in the strength of a Higher Power. The pains that have exercised my shoulders to stand up, despite the discomfort, is exactly what gave me the perseverance through life's situational disappointments and tragedies. i hold no bitterness or no one at fault for these disappointments and tragedies, this is life lessons and the journey.

Some days it is hard to get out of bed, the day is filled with daunting tasks that ensure an overload of physical pain that will manifest in my back and neck. The difference today is I can get out of bed, in my world there is nothing worse thus far than not being able to participate in life. There were many days in years gone by I could not. Even getting into the shower was an insurmountable task.

Each day now brings a new and different challenge, facing challenges alone as i am soon to join the ranks of being single at 48 is scary yet I embrace the new life for it is best for all concerned. My Aging and aching body is at the least annoying, yet proof that mind over matter has immense power. Watching my grown children make some choices i made at their age, yet different for their own reasons and very much each individually their own person, makes me burst with happiness and cry crocodile tears all the same. I allow them to live their journey and rejoice when they allow me to be with them, no matter the weather, sunny, cloudy or torrential rains.

I live today for me. For me, I find purpose in loving others without conditions. Today i am fulfilling my purpose authentically. I have not always felt received by unconditional love. Conditional love is cold, hard and pain at it's finest. I now know I am perfect just as i am...and you are too. I am letting go of the pain. I hope your journey takes your there too. You must push through the pain, face the fear and sometimes be willing to leave the comforts of what you have to get what you want and really need more. What i wanted more was simple. Peace within. I hold no one to blame, i take full accountability for my past and my present. I am reminded...the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I am neither in sane nor was i willing to keep getting the same results. Life has been by no means horrible, as i make changes once again in my life, it is uncomfortable but i know i am growing and facing my fears and moving away from my pain. i follow my heart, my head has talked me out of many things many times, for even though i am free-spirited on one side, i am also pragmatic on the other.

Mental illness, though it can be a wicked debilitating disease it does NOT have to be. Taking medication to balance the neurotransmitters (brain chemistry), awareness of triggers and knowledge of the illness can keep you healthy and as functioning as any other person with any other disease. Mental illness has many different faces and it can be complicated and equally fascinating, there is no other organ on earth as complicated and powerful as the brain. There is absolutely no shame in a mental illness; there is if it is used as an excuse, or you become victimized or you victimize others by bad behavior. Knowledge and accountability is empowerment and successful living.

I would not change my experiences or that of my family history. I am deep and rich with emotion and feeling from many generations. I channel it positively and reach out and help others who have had similar experiences. I have yet to meet someone who has not been affected by mental illness, the question is who is comfortable talking about it openly? In absolute clarification, I am.

I have often taken the long road home.

Perspective & Unconditional Love

2011-10-10T02:07:00.005-06:00

Some events become photographically etched in our psyche, and verbal tapes can play to and fro in our minds. Each individual can have a completely different perspective of the same event depending on your viewpoint and interpretation.

Where we may tread rough waters lie in believing our interpretation is the right way, and therefore everyone else is wrong. This rigidity is painful and a tough way to live.

For instance, one may look at this photograph and think, "BAD DOG, tearing up a $200 textbook is bad, very bad!" To PAC this may have been FUN! He may have been missing his Dad or Uncle, who were dutifully at school, the textbook just lying there as active bait for anxiety control! Who are we to judge PAC's frame of mind when he was doing his deed? Was he attacking ferociously, or was he playfully enjoying the paper as the books page's were flying about, or was he possibly feeling mischievous wanting to even the score after Uncle Chase did not share an ounce of his juicy hamburger? How do we REALLY know what is going on in a dog or any one's mind, really?

So we judge another by their actions and intent. We make mistakes in this life. Speaking for myself, my greatest lessons have been from the mistakes i have made, my recognition, acknowledgment and restitution of those mistakes. They have molded me into the woman i am today. I have learned not to judge others for choices they make, for i do not see things from their viewpoint, unless i know them well enough, it's best for me to make no assumptions and unconditionally love.

This journey called life frankly, has kicked my butt so hard lately, i don't know if I am coming or going, but I am neither special, entitled or different than anybody else. Life has many challenges and i am grateful every day that i have the health to get up and face each day. I am grateful I have a great family, good friends and a mind to think and act of my own accord. I am grateful to be at this stage of life, with experience and knowledge to understand and have insights, ability to listen to the wisdom of my elders, ambition enough to work hard from roots that taught me to never give up, and humility enough that ultimately I know in my soul that God is in charge. I know that as i trust Him, He can and will do more with my life as i seek Him for guidance and strength.

Balance has always been one of my biggest challenges. I am driven. It is easy for me to take things to the extreme, maybe you relate with this and maybe this is not your challenge at all? What ever your challenge is, speaking from experience...the first step in overcoming is recognition/ acknowledgment, having some type of support system and loving yourself through it, knowing that God is always on your side, no matter what. I learned this parable as i anguished watching my son detox off of drugs and i realized the love of a parent is pure and unconditional. There is nothing that could make me not love my children. This is exactly how God is with each of us, now i feel comfortable talking to Him about...everything!

Nature vs. Nurture

2011-09-21T05:18:00.010-06:00

The debate of nature vs. nurture is one that never seems to be resolved. This is a forever fascinating subject and one that if given the chance to delve into you learn much about others, family and yourself. I have loved the phrase,

"there are two kinds of people, those who must live life to understand it, and those who must understand it to live it."

Looking back i have had two Phazes (sorry for the shameless plug of my business) and i have gone through both; first the living life trying to understand it, and now the second phase of trying to understand it while i live. For both of these phases i see the effects of my biological genetics taking their place, and my life long environment having its immense influence as to my actions and reactions to life situations and stimulus.

You as readers don't read to know about me, you read to have more insight about yourself, or at least this is my goal. So these are the questions i ask you to ponder for these are my personal observations that have helped me get through the twists and turns, the triumphs and disappointments of life, and helped me to progress and persevere.

1. What is your deep seated motivation to live as you do?
2. What are you most proud of in your life?
3. What makes what you are proud of so special, or different that you have chosen it?
4. What are you ashamed of?
5. Why are you ashamed of this?
6. Would you change it if you could, or has it developed your character?
7. If you were to die tomorrow, are the people you love and want in your life surrounding you now? If not, why not?
8. Are you living authentically?

These are all important questions to examine, ones that may need visiting from time to time. Our genetic makeup influences us to be one way, and our environment molds us into the ways in which we perceive life as we know it. This becomes our truth.

A Fine Balance

2011-09-07T20:35:00.006-06:00

Dozer was a fine balance.

Look at this face! Do you see both masculine and feminine qualities? The jaw so set, strong, one tooth jutting forward to warn of determination, perseverance and purpose. Then peer into those brown eyes, they are nearly human, his old soul, full of complete accepting, unconditional and tender love. His concern and how to serve those he loved spoke louder than words. Dozer was a perfect balance of feminine and masculine. That was what was so unique about this special dog, you felt safe and protected while in his presence, and loved no matter what!

As i read, study, and take classes that reflect upon history, gender differences, politics and humanity, finding a balance by allowing it to evolve naturally seems to be such an important necessity in life; yet we are so often polarized between the giving and taking of all things, particularly love.

spoon feeding Zion--she is nearly human

Human behavior is generally quite consistent. Sometimes my boys will shock me, but most often i predict with ease how they react to circumstances or any given situation. The same goes for close family members and friends. One sure thing is Zion's behavior, my faithful Boston terrier. I suppose this is why dog is what has been phrased as, "man's best friend" for their unconditional love is endearing to us as humans.

women soldiers--ask their comrades? Don't judge it unless you've been there

I love being a woman. I also don't mind being a leader when necessary, however being labeled as a "boss," well, not so much. A boss or bossy creates a negative connotation to me. I hope after 20 plus years of being a "boss" i have learned to lead rather than boss people. It certainly has taken some hard lessons down the school of hard knocks (I have many years there, still not graduated). We categorize behaviors by their masculine and feminine nature, hopefully recognizing one not being better than another, just different.
All men and all women resume both masculine and feminine qualities, celebrating and recognizing both in ourselves can bring satisfaction and joy. This is a fine balance, no matter what gender you are.

male nurses? ask their patients--don't judge unless you know

Discomfort from PAC the PUP

2011-09-02T21:47:00.003-06:00

everywhere he's not supposed to be, yet he's a pup in training, these things take time

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.

M. Scott Peck

Last night at approximately 45 minutes prior to the first PAC 12 kick off game at the Rice Eccles stadium the University of Utah Utes hosted Montana State. i wanted to be part of the festivities as i am a student and fan (without tickets to the game) so i took my dog Zion and my new grandog PAC on a walk--destination: MUSS section touted as one of the best college crowds in the country, to join the crowd and meet up with my kids. PAC the effervescent American/English Bulldog PUP did rather well walking beside Zion in his newly purchased red (albeit too big) harness.

Grandmog was quite pleased, then it happened, we are outside the stadium and the band begins to pound on the percussion; and PAC starts into some fit of panic and squirming unfamiliar to me and certainly uncomfortable to bystanders as no one seems to come to the aid of the funny lady battling with one out of control dog and one completely disinterested yet well-behaved dog. Hummm?

I shuffled PAC as far away from the sound, which happened to be on the curb of 5th South, certainly not a quiet street being shortly before the biggest game ever to be hosted at the stadium. "OK! Where is the DOG WHISPERER?!"

PAC's "Dog Whisperer" Dad Tan

I think to myself "calm and assertive." I hold PAC closely to my body and calmly rock him. Zion is basically nonchalantly acting..."as IF PAC, get a hold of yourself, we are in public and you are making a FOOL out of all of us, especially yourself!" She patiently stands close and waits. One man does stoop down and said to me, "you have a scared puppy there?" I say, "yes." He leaves, this is no time for dog chit chat. I cannot loose my focus i must hold on to this pup for if i don't i take the chance of him darting across this busy street and getting loose or much worse he could get hit by a car...cause an accident.

I look up and low and behold a UofU VIP bus is slowing in front of me on the road and i pick that pup up (all 30 squirming lbs) of him, Zion faithfully following me no matter where i go. Driver sees my determination to get on that bus no matter what, he opens the door and i say "i need a ride, just a block or two or i'm going to lose control of this nervous pup." The driver is not so amused. But the VIP's on the bus are kind and inquisitive to my darling scared grandog and we enjoy dog talk for less than 5 minutes, and i am in safety zone past the heavy sound of percussion. We have control, not calm, but at least control.

but can i trust you?

I seem to find myself in these predicaments at times and then i look for the lessons and it is summed up in this...PAC and I learned to trust one another during that time. We were both uncomfortable for a time, but through that trust we found a way to work through a situation that could have turned out unfavorably. We bonded that much more and for that i am even more crazy about that pup. i expect our relationship to continue to grow. that's how it works, risk, put it out there, trust, learn, grow, move forward, repeat. When i think about it the alternative is to retreat, think he is too much work or give up. When unconditional love is the prize it's worth some discomfort, and searching for different ways could be exactly what the PAC needs.


contentment after the discomfort

Too Much of a Good THing

2011-08-27T21:43:00.005-06:00

It was a busy day at the salon today, but not too busy to snap these priceless pic's of Zion.


"How long do I have to stay in this air conditioned office? I'm freezing!"


Yes that's a sweater in August. And she is lying on the hot pavement.

One dog's bliss is another's misery? Could it be possible we sometimes get too much of a good thing? Zion has no idea how good she has it, but then again maybe she does.

I sure appreciate my slippers and sweater... in August.

It's Tomorrow

2011-08-20T23:18:00.004-06:00

It's tomorrow. I wrote this blog titled Until Tomorrow after finishing my 4th semester at the "U." I was looking forward to some life changes, namely transferring to Weber State, which i did, but life does not always turn out exactly as you plan and you take some 180's. I start back at the "U" on Monday and I am looking forward to two classes from my fav Professor's.

I was looking forward to throwing on a suit, laying by a pool and reading a novel or two this summer. I also had ideas about "projects." Oh plenty of projects were accomplished, just not the ones i had in mind last May. I wanted to put all the old Super 8 and VHS videos on film for family preservation. Didn't happen.


My 3 MUSS boys.

What did happen is i was blessed with some great experiences with really beautiful people in my life. First, my boys, not nearly enough time, but that's what happens when life responsibilities hit you and you accept it head on. Second my parents, what awesome people all 3 of them are, each fighting their own challenges in life with health, aging, children, grandchildren and their own personal changes. They face them with tremendous valiance, they are great examples to me. My employees, for i have had an opportunity to reconnect and spend hours learning more about what they face each day at Phazes and i now have a new appreciation for our business and how they love and serve unselfishly. Last but not least the volunteering with Therapeutic Assets a horse therapy program for many special needs children and adults. The program is hosted at Allen Horse Play which is owned by my parents, where i call home. i grew up on this (used to be dairy farm) now horse stables, and it brings me peace each time i am able to spend time on that hallowed ground and remember my roots.


Zion loves every Thursday at the Stables. The horses do not love Zion, she is annoying.

If your tomorrow does not turn out as planned, look at it this way, maybe it is for the best and all things have purpose, lessons can be learned if you look and are willing to let things take there course...things are as they should be. You just have to have a funny thing called, faith.~

Forgiving Forgetting and Forging Forward

2011-08-09T22:20:00.001-06:00

I remember my Grandma saying, "The older you get the faster time flies." How true it is!

As we age we accumulate more stuff.

Families grow. Responsibilities broaden. We lose some of our innocence.

Oh the innocence of a 5 year old...

nothing quite like the perspective of this little pistol, no wounds from life.

and a puppy...they bound and pounce about like there is nothing in the world to fear. How perfect.

And then we grow up and life hits us square in the face,

or clocks us from the side.

The thing about life is, it just keeps moving on. No matter what, it doesn't stop, the lessons keep coming, the joy, the heartache and the clock keeps ticking. Einstein said that we could never really comprehend the concept of time and he also said, "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction."

I believe in miracles. I believe they happen every day, and they are missed easily, because life is busy and we explain miracles away as happenstance or coincidence.

Hearts heals, lives mend and we forgive, forget and forge forward. We are born with the capacity to forgive. We may lose it, for it is easy to accumulate wounds along the path of life's lessons, yet recognizing and acknowledging this tendency can free us from holding onto this self destructive behavior.

I ask for others to forgive me, and I ask God to help me have a forgiving heart every day. I find it much easier to sleep that way.

nap with Roxee 2 summers ago, may she rest in peace

A dog in my arms helps too...

Weeds & Basics of Life

2011-07-14T23:51:00.007-06:00

These are desperate-low-budget sugar-craving-last-resort cookies. I grew up on them, and they are great milk-dunkers; and you can fix them in a flash. I may polish off the whole plate...and if i do I won't punish myself like i have in days gone by.

I am now better at recognizing good guilt--knowing you can do better for yourself, i.e., recognizing your SDB's (self destructive behavior), and bad guilt--holding yourself to some unattainable expectation. It certainly is easy to get lost in the pursuit of happiness substitutes. I suppose we are all working on the same things, to feel good, or better than...(whatever we measure something against)???

Regrets? Sure I have a few. I seem to be sitting right smack dab in the middle of raised children and witnessing my parents getting older, even my invincible dad getting cancer. It makes you think a bit. When I talk to Dad now it's open dialogue, nothing is held back, everything is precious, serious talks, laughter and an occasional tear or two. We usually stick to laughter, oh the laughter and teasing, it's the best medicine...

I don't believe anyone ever woke up one day and said "today is the day I'm determined to do something I'm going to regret!" It seems stupid, yet we punish, ruminate, and try to find some type of explanation or blame for dumb or hurtful things that are in the past.

My awareness with each year hopefully improves? These are the life lessons...and we either get it or we don't.

Happiness becomes a choice, and the journey isn't over till it's over. Life lessons come full circle and are always poignant when willing to learn.

One of my favorite movies is about C.S. Lewis' life, called Shadowlands. He profoundly quoted, "pain is part of the deal." Pain teaches us to embrace each relationship and its special meaning in our lives.

No regrets... Each day is a blessing, of beautiful wildflowers

and weeds.

If we look we can find plenty of beauty in weeds too.

Your Right to be Happy

2011-06-25T22:02:00.007-06:00

I was given some kind of label, or diagnosis as it seems 8 years ago. They call it bipolar.
I give little attention to it now, simply because I am faithful to my 2 med's and I am knowledgeable about mental illness. I am cognizant of triggers and keep myself healthy by managing my illness, much like a diabetic manages their illness. I believe there are many who may live happier lives if they would pay attention to their own life; i.e. have awareness of their own behavior. People in general are awfully judgmental towards another. That may sound quite judgmental in and of itself, it's not meant to be. Shouldn't we pay more attention to our own business and life, keeping our own lives in check, rather than casting opinions towards how others live?

I find it interesting how some people have so much time to worry and talk about other people and their choices, yet they don't take time to examine their own. How many times have I said, "walk a mile in somebody...ahh, you can finish the rest.

On my drive home from work tonight i spoke to T.J., he was out having fun with some friends. Our conversation was delightful and with a cheery attitude he said, "my house caught on fire, my dog's died, my grandpa got cancer and my parents are getting divorced, but I can still get out and have fun, life goes on." It almost sounds like a country song.

Life teaches us many things and it certainly changes. Sometimes we don't choose those changes. Sometimes those changes hurt, they hurt a lot; but we can choose to carry on and we can choose the high road. The road that leads in the direction that will take us to greener pastures or so that is usually our plan. Optimism is always the best plan. I've never known a happy pessimist. I'm trying to give up being Right, I just wanna be Happy.

Pigtails

2011-06-19T17:16:00.011-06:00

Yesterday I said to Zion, "the best things in life are free...or a buck ninety-nine." I was referring to my recent purchased of Chips Ahoy cookies that i got at the bargain price of $1.99.

I just want to play soccer Mom.

I like simple things, cookies, pigtails and my Dad. This morning on the drive to the farm to see my Dad I called Mom and wished her a "Happy Father's Day." I thanked her for all the times she had brought out power tools to help me hang or fix things, she's a handy woman. She laughed and asked, "well did you wish your Dad, Happy Mother's Day, on Mother's Day?" I said, "no, but I should have because he put my hair in the best pigtails in grade school!" We had a great laugh because i loved how my Dad's fingers were the right size for nice ringlets; Mom's fingers were too small. Dad's hands are massive and he got pretty good at putting a hair pin in too.


One of our Vegas Trips

Today as I ate breakfast in the same place i grew up in, looking out the same window at the farm, circumstances in our lives have changed; Rondy, Mom #2 sat to my left, Sherry and Dave my brother and sister were not there and I have raised my 3 boys. It was quiet yet peaceful, the cows have been replaced by horses and there is beauty all around because there is still love in that little old home on the farm. Lives change but love is eternal...and life is eternal...all is well.


After storms God sends Rainbows

A Tribute to the Two Yeawhoo's

2011-06-13T20:59:00.007-06:00


Mr. Dozer

Oh how we miss these FUNNy, adorable babies...and how blessed we are that T.j. woke up... we must look for all the positives in life amongst the fires that whip through.

What doin' Gramog? Can we have some??


Life goes on now, and I believe life goes on eternally. I still have talks with Dozer, they are just a little different now, and i have always said "he is an old soul" and he lives on and still patrols, just now from a different sphere.

On May 21, 2011 at approximately 3:00 a.m. my son's home caught on fire in the laundry room. He tried to put it out by running to get a garden hose but it was too late. Tragically he could not get to his beloved dogs, Roxee and Dozer. At sunrise the family gathered and buried them together, as these two yeawhoo's always were TOGETHER, in the back yard. T.j.'s upper floor has been torn down and is now in process of a full reconstruction. All is well.

Life is hard at times, but we can choose to look at all the good it has brought us, and look to the future for all its possibilities, but most of all...just enjoy what we have, HERE and NOW.

Until Tomorrow

2011-05-09T18:30:00.006-06:00

What's important to you?
What motivates you?
What do you fear the most?

What brings about those fears? Often we fear what we do not know or cannot control, last time I checked no one has a crystal ball that actually works, do they?

We as human beings have a tendency to compare...be it our material possessions, our appearance, our status, even our children! We jockey one against another and it is all to our self detriment. It is human nature to be self interested and it is also human nature to steer away from pain...for these reasons we conflict in so many ways.

Our family is no different and we have gone through divorce, death, bankruptcy, religious dissension, and political dogma.

We roast each other for our foibles and sometimes hurt each other's feeling...and we get over it...

our family is a group of communicators, and through pain and strife, we end up working it out.


My Mom and StepMom sharing laughs about the grandchildren

Love conquers all.

I am going to take some time off from wildflowers and weeds blog. I have some people, projects, and priorities that I would like to give complete attention to. There is a time and a season for everything. Summer is my favorite season; I intend to enjoy it.

I don't know what's ahead. No one ever does, but I trust and move forward with complete faith and optimism for what ever the future holds is... as it should be.

Politics!

2011-05-04T09:00:00.001-06:00

Osama Bin Laden is dead, or is he? Interesting stuff? Yes. Does it matter? Yes. Can you believe everything you hear?

I'm NO more inclined to talk politics now, (even though it is my minor) than I was years before...for these reasons:

depending on one's vantage point ideas and beliefs differ
the dogma often times becomes so strong you cannot hear the facts above the opinion and emotion
we often only know the facts that support our viewpoint
who can you trust to report the "truth"
if what is being reported politically is repetitive or sensationalized its just media
I have more constructive things to do than hate everything about what is going on in my country and the world

For the record I don't trust or believe everything I hear or read, but what does it really matter in your life? What matters in the big scheme of things to me, is my part and contribution as a citizen and holistic entity to the world is, am I doing MY best?

When you are in school facebook is a required course of distraction. It's convenient to pop in and read a brainless news feed. It is rather addictive when a professor is droning on...yes even for the "non-trad's." One of my "friends" on facebook went on a four letter tirade towards the government about Bin Laden, which yes we have free speech, but if one is SO unhappy and upset, maybe one should change. Many borders are open into other countries. Just saying.

We don't have all the answers. Politically, personally, this is a life journey, and we work on getting the most out of it that we can. One step at a time.

Cancer & Friendships

2011-05-02T10:47:00.006-06:00

I have been spending some time this last week at the hospital with a dear friend whose husband has cancer. She was my dance teacher when I was a teenager and our families have been intertwining ever since. Her husband and my father have been trekking to Idaho for holistic treatments and it has improved the quality of both of their lives, and the bonus, a beautiful friendship between Dad and Jerry was formed.

We have had tender, straightforward and poignant talks of death amongst several of us, both at my visits to the hospital and my conversations with my own family as I brought back reports of Jerry and the families circumstances. Each day brought about new emotions of either progress or setbacks, as only this type of life altering situation does.

I copied this quote Dixie had tucked in her purse in my favorite little book "Stillness Speaks"...

"I am not afraid of tomorrow for I have seen yesterday and I love today."

---William Allen White

This past six months and past week has taught me immense, HUGE life lessons...I do not fear death...in any respect...I mourn the idea, the very fact that I know, but can fully embrace the fact that my father, my brother who already passed away tragically nearly 18 years ago, and all whom i love WiLL die. I have shamefully begged to die many times in my life; whether that be because of my mood disorder or my situations, it does not matter. I am over that now because what I know NOW is that I TRUST; I fear no more. This life is meant to live until we die. There is a time for everything, a time to suffer, a time to mourn, a time to learn, a time to teach and this life is meant to be happy, but happiness is a choice.

The question remains in the bravery of choosing happiness over being a victim.

Wearing Purple a Red Hat and a Rocking Chair

2011-04-28T07:27:00.004-06:00

It is 6:30 A.M.! in the morning as I begin this stupid blog...I have been up attending to my business trying to get to that FINAL paper my favorite professor of the semester is allowing me to write in lieu of taking the final. An option I took since exams and I do not seem to get along so well.

I have no business idling my time away "blogging" but as I was updating finances from my computer an email from an OLD friend delighted me...I MUSt sHARE an excerpt...edited by ME!

When I am an old I shall wear Purple with a Red hat which does not go, and does not suit me.
Which is why I shall love it and wear it all the more...

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain, which is ridiculous because my feet are always cold, but I shall do it anyway. And I will pick flowers in other people’s gardens and spit again, just as I did when I was little on the farm.

I will continue to wear terrible shirts and fight to not get fat while I wolf down three pounds of sausage as I camp in my tent, or "vacation home" as I like to call it!

For now I will continue to hoard colored pens and highlighters and keep things of all kinds in COLORFUL little bags...

For now I must have clothes that have a small amount of bling, and I must pay our bills and only swear a little bit.

And Oh NO never have friends over for dinner, MUCH too busy for THAT! Read the paper, a good book, Not a CHANCE...

But maybe I ought to practice a little now? So people who know me are not too shocked or surprised, when suddenly I am old and start to wear Purple, (swear a little more) and wear that Red HAT? And it would only be appropriate that I bedazzle those hats...In honor of my sister, of course.

What I really look forward to is that "rocking chair" on a porch, any old porch, a quiet one.

A Degree of Change

2011-04-25T15:21:00.002-06:00

I have enjoyed my commute to and from the University of Utah the past year and a half. Whether I would blast my tunes, catch up with business phone calls or chat with a friend, the time was enjoyable and well spent.

Today as I left campus a swell of emotion hit my chest, no tears spilled over for I have learned how to control emotion rather well these last few months. I believe today was my last day attending class as a student at the "U."

Life changes and we accept the changes and challenges before us. I am enrolled for Fall semester but will be withdrawing and applying at my old Alma Mater, Weber State. I never officially received my bachelors there, I was only a few credit hours shy of a business degree. Now I have my general ed's under my belt and I am nearly ready to officially start into the Social Work program. It's a lot of education with no degree so far, and I don't regret an ounce of it.

When life requires you to make changes and you reflect back on what meant the most on the journey, it is always the people. I had two Professors that made a profound impact on me. Oddly enough they were in political science, my minor. I have two regrets leaving the "U." One is that I will not be taking another class from Dr. Holland or Dr. Garrott. They are incredible teachers and wonderful people, and I am grateful I had the opportunity to sit in class and learn from the best.


BAT CHASERMAN?

The other regret is that I will not be taking Social Work classes with my son Chase. Yet we know that we raise our children to be their own Person. I have no doubt Chase is just that indeed. He is very much IN charge of his own life...I love this child of mine! He will be a fine therapist one day. (Please take off the mask however, it will frighten the children).

Something to Ponder

2011-04-23T19:16:00.003-06:00

I have often wondered what percentage of the population suffer from false consciousness (and I am not talking in a political sense). And what percentage of the population, SERVE those who are in a state of false consciousness...

No Bragging Allowed

2011-04-17T13:06:00.007-06:00

I have had some incredible experiences with some remarkable people in my life. The list does not include anyone famous, no presidents, no movie stars, just ordinary people doing extraordinary things, quietly with no pomp and
circumstance.

In fact they hate pomp and circumstance, and when someone makes a fuss they retreat.

What motivates some people to do the things they do???

We all have a need to love and belong to someone, somewhere...

to have purpose and feel needed...

it plays out on that "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs" of which I referred to a blog or two ago.

Chances are you have people like this in your life also, the unsung hero. They make our world a BEautiful place...

The Frustrations of Dozer

2011-04-12T09:38:00.000-06:00

If this doesn't make you smile...maybe you're depressed. Dozer's Dad, T.J., is on vacation, somewhere on some coast in Mexico, spear fishing... I think Dozer likes staying at Grandmog's house, but something just had to give, and it was his ole' pal Bobo...

Sometimes ya just gotta do what ya gotta do!

The Answer Always Lies Within

2011-04-10T11:51:00.004-06:00

One month from now I will have completed four consecutive semesters at the University of Utah. My life and perspectives, my routines and overall thinking about many things in life have changed, quite dramatically.

I was introduced to Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs 25 years ago when I attended Weber State College and was lucky enough to get more acquainted with several different approaches to understanding myself and others behaviors on this go around at school.

I suppose at some time or another we evaluate what we want, how we are doing, and if, and CAN we make changes in our lives to improve our lives? All of these questions can be asked and answered depending on where we lie in this pyramid from Abraham Maslow. If your love/belonging needs are not being met your motivations will be much different than if it is esteem you are seeking. It is highly doubtful you will be worrying much over what others think of you when you or your family is starving.

It is proposed that many rarely, if ever reach self-actualization.

The answer to this question only lies within yourself. I am responsible only for myself and you are only responsible for you. However when we reach a point of self-actualization we

become part of something greater than ourselves and with that life becomes something much more meaningful, something richer beyond the borders of oneself.

It's a brain twister, but worth the thought...

This Road Less Traveled

2011-03-25T10:04:00.004-06:00

We cannot or should not ever quantify or compare grief. This journey our family is on at this time is a road less traveled. Losing a loved one is painful. Watching a loved one suffer is agonizing. My beautiful father whom i have adored and learned many great life lessons from is surgically having a line inserted into his chest today to begin chemo treatments for his esophageal cancer next week. He was diagnosed last November and has been treating it holistically and doing so well. Unfortunately as of late he has been unable to get much food down including liquids which the scope he had earlier this week revealed the tumor has progressed.

Given two options, a feeding tube to the stomach for nutrition or chemo to possibly shrink the tumor, was the choices given. Dad's a pragmatic man said, "Well, let's go for the chemo." I'm sure he is hoping to be able to sink his teeth into a big cheeseburger soon. He has followed a strict diet, not a speck of white flour or sugar since his cancer diagnosis, and he has enjoyed blended vegetable shakes by the dozens. Rondy my mom#2 has taken the best of care and in many respects he is in better health today than he was four months ago. Yet cancer is one of those invasions that destroy good cells. These malignant cells are blocking off the passage way for food and sometimes even liquids for my dad.

None of us invite death. Losing my brother Dave so instantly was tragic and our family has never been the same. Yet death is the one sure thing we all can count on, so coping skills and moving on and up is part of our life's journey. Reading the book "Life Lessons" was a great help to me.

I recommend it whether you have lost a loved one or not.

I have no doubt that each of you will one day be on a road you never expected to be on...you are and can be stronger than you think. Reach out. Believe in the Power of Love and that God does have each of us in His care...Always...

Under the Rainbow?

2011-03-15T16:27:00.004-06:00

When you're in it, it's not so fun. Looking back, as in "PERSPECTIVE" you can laugh and maybe learn a thing or two...

Last week while in New York a rain storm so torrential came up that it whipped our wimpy little umbrella out of our hands, along with litter--ally hundred's of others.

New York has no shortage of retail opportunity, so the corner in which we lost our umbrella was a conveniently located Kmart. We slipped right in and purchased an over-sized rainbow umbrella!

And stomped our way on to watch the famous off broadway production "Stomp" to my sheer delight!

Life can be Wicked at times...this was meant to be a memento pic in front of the play...don't bother watching, it's 15 seconds of wicked New York stupidity...

But it doesn't have to be. You can always get rid of your old black umbrella and look at the world from under the rainbow...

Growing Old Stinks

2011-03-06T15:18:00.004-07:00

We grow up. We grow old. My baby turned 21 yesterday. I find it hard to believe.

I am in New York for the week and Tandin will be home taking care of business as do my other two boys. Rigorous schedules of college, jobs and businesses to run...and dogs to let out potty, for as one of my favorite books so poignantly titled, "Everyone Poops."

Life. It evolves. And we accept the changes or rather embrace them, and sometimes we fight them.

I found out recently that my Uncle Brent has cancer. As we grow older we have less contact with extended family. However this does not mean my love is not as strong, blood runs deep.

I'm not so fond of this cancer plague that seems to have touched my family's life in such a personal way. Yet we surrender to that which is and love those who are, and will always be a part of us...whether near or far.

And Tandin just so you know if Dozer has this look on his face, take him out, he needs to poop.

And one more thing never forget to laugh through the tears.

Routines and CHOCOATE!!!

2011-02-22T08:12:00.006-07:00

Routine? C'mon! Discipline? When your nature is free-spirited and your genetics give you the highs and lows...diagnosed by the experts as..."BiPolar?" Not a chance! But somehow, someway, in the heat of the fright of life, the responsibilities, the help of good sleep (thank you temazapam) and healthy chocolate, YES, I have found healthy chocolate. I have routine. For once!

My Mom had a mini stroke earlier this year, my sister has Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) which is a pattern of frequent, constant worry and anxiety over many different activities and events. And when Dad was diagnosed with Cancer last November, well I guess a sense of mortality and fright began to overtake me, not for myself but for those I love so much. Death is such a strange experience and so far my overall familiarity with it has not been that pleasurable.

I have found routine and discipline to be my friend. It keeps my mind from wandering and over-reacting. Ultimately I know, and have always known what we have is Here and Now, and when I live right NOW to its fullest I am fine, in fact I am fulfilled.

So I will get to my studies, so I can get to my workout then off to work. I have already had chocolate!!!

A short thought.

2011-02-13T08:11:00.000-07:00

Beware of the bareness of a busy life
-Socrates

Cancer-an East or West Choice

2011-02-03T16:40:00.014-07:00

Culture or the socially constructed ideas and attitudes that we adopt in our Western society is interesting. It's also humorous at times...my dad is also quite humorous to me. He loves the microphone...karaoke...Western music...OH I hated Eddy Arnold growing up! Yet ,the more I understand the more I accept.


My dad at his 70th surprise Birthday party, graciously thanking everyone.

It was less than three months ago when I received news my dad has esophageal cancer that had spread to his lymph nodes and other organs which had deemed him in the dreaded "stage 4" realm. The Western medicine protocol was to begin immediate doses of chemotherapy. Chemotherapy works by killing fast-growing cancer cells. Unfortunately, chemotherapy drugs can't always tell the difference between cancer cells and fast-growing healthy cells, including red and white blood cells. As a result, one of the most serious potential side effects of many types of chemotherapy drugs is a low white blood cell count. White blood cells are responsible for fighting infection.

When I tried to educate myself a little more about what "chemo" really is, this is what I learned: the chemicals that are used, fit into four categories--

1. Alkylating agents 2. Vinca alkaloids 3. Cytotoxic antibiotics 4. Anti-metabolites.

ALKYLATING AGENTS are drugs that work by directly attacking the DNA of a cell. These drugs can work at any time of the cell cycle, but are most effective during DNA synthesis.

NITROSOUREAS are similar to alkylating agents, and work by inhibiting the changes necessary for DNA repair. A very important feature of this class of drugs is that they can cross the blood-brain barrier which makes them very useful for treating brain tumors.

ANTIMETABOLITES block cell growth by interfering with DNA synthesis. These drugs work by mimicking a substance involved in DNA synthesis, inhibiting production of an acid necessary for DNA to be synthesized.

ANTITUMOR ANTIBIOTICS work by binding with DNA to prevent RNA synthesis. These also prevent cell growth by preventing DNA replication. Antitumor antibiotics prevent the DNA from reattaching itself together which causes the cell to die.

And when researching the overall survival rates no matter where I looked, after being treated by chemo the outlook was not promising at an average of 2-5%. Here is one of those tables:

The following table was published in the journal Clinical Oncology in December 2004. The results of this study were astonishing, showing that chemotherapy has an average 5-year survival success rate of just over 2 percent for ALL cancers! http://fiocco59.altervista.org/ALLEGATI/MORGAN.PDF

My dad was hooked up, ready to go, and the appointment was made to begin chemotherapy treatment. We celebrated Christmas at Dad's house, he was in good spirits, but we all had our battle gloves on, for we all knew the road ahead was not easy. And then the change of plans...he would attack cancer from the opposite side of the world!


Dad, Grandma Allen, at the Christmas Party

The Eastern methods of working with the body, rather than killing the cancerous cells and many others along with it---he feeds his body with an abundance of everything that is good and positive and rid it of all that is toxic and allow dad's body to kill the cancerous cells and enjoy his quality of life THROUGH the process. Quackery? Huh? or is it cultural bias?

I'm not really an expert in any of it. This is my first real close experience with cancer. But here are some observations that I find peculiar in our socially constructed paradigms...

There is something called "taken for granted knowledge," that isn't knowledge at all.

Sensationalism and Negativity SELLs...

We each pursue happiness in our own way, and that diversity is a great thing~

I am grateful for a father and my mom#2, Rondy who have so bravely made a choice to follow what makes sense to them. I am saddened when there is judgment by those who think that my dad has not chosen the "right" path by refusing chemo. I am further amazed when one goes against the NORM how there is less attention given than if one chooses the traditions of the culture.

Dad and Rondy leaving one of the treatment rooms, with happy faces!

I find it fascinating that another cancer patient is considered a "public figure" because they have taken their treatment public and the sentiments are publicized and furthermore the Dr. is celebrated for his heroic efforts to save her life. I certainly have no ill towards her and I wish her all the best. I only wonder why naturopathic doctors such as Larry Womack has spent his life researching and teaching people about their bodies to empower people further and why he is criticized by the medical profession? It seems as though building a bridge between Western and Eastern medicine would be of great benefit for the patients of many diseases.

It seems to me we put a great deal into labels and words...

which is ok, I love words...

And this would be one of my top PiCks of Doctor's...East or West!

And my DAD, well I would only choose HIM!

Right, but on the Other Hand

2011-01-23T12:58:00.000-07:00

Continuing on from...I May Be Wrong, But I Doubt it...

I am afraid that we put ourselves, and our loved ones through unnecessary pain because of our deep need to be right and/or our desire to be validated.

Even in this great country of America where we were founded on the idea of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,”

we have become so polarized by the two parties, (democrat or republican). We seem to be continually positioning one against the other and little progress is made. I sincerely doubt this is what our inspired forefathers had in mind when they defected from England and had a plan for democracy.

I will be the first to admit that I was indifferent to many situations in our country for a very long time. My attitude was, "if it did not affect me personally then I didn't pay much attention. I had my own “stuff” to worry about." Ewe narcissism at its best playing out…as well as ignorance.

Change and awareness happens one person and one event at a time.

The events of 9/11 2001 changed our world forever, some things possibly on the positive and others on the negative, we can look at things from many perspectives. The facts are we cannot change what IS…but what IS to one person may feel, look, and BE different to another!

Diversity is a great addition to any situation, family, school, town or country for we learn so many things from one another.

Sometimes it takes the youngest in the family to teach us the most valuable lessons. A message from Tandin. He is a great example of listen and learn, for YOU may be Right, but on the other hand, THEY may be also!

I May Be Wrong, but I Doubt It!

2011-01-22T18:22:00.000-07:00

Does rigidity, defensiveness or a closed mind hinder your relationships? Does it get in the way of your personal growth? I wonder about this. I have said this often about my family, “We would rather be RIGHT, than HAPPY!” Does this exist in You... or your family?

Dozer knows Chase is full of "Bull" sometimes!

Dr. Phil asked one of his guests on his show. “Do you want to be right or happy?” The gentleman quickly replied, “Can I be both?” My son Chase was watching and laughed and THEN, whole-heartily agreed with the gentleman! Chase thinks that is the way to live! Here is the problem you cannot be right all the time. Sorry.

Two "peas in a pod"

I bought a couple of shirts with the saying, “I may be wrong, but I doubt it.” I gave these t-shirts to special people in my life who seem to have a take charge, and-- I pretty much do everything right --attitude towards life. I love these people, yet they are sometimes difficult to have any type of discussion beyond what they believe is the way things are or “should” be. My oldest son T.J. is one of these beautiful people…did I raise him this way? In my observation it comes naturally, for this is in both his genetics and in his environment. T.J. and I are very much alike.

I have found however that the more aware I have become of giving up wanting to be right, rather than sacrificing happiness, life has gotten EASIER and obviously much more joyful.

to be continued... ;)

Quality of LIfe Question

2011-01-12T18:11:00.003-07:00

Woah, I'm glad that's over. Stomach virus hit both Tandin and me early Monday morning, just to welcome in a new semester of school. Kell had to leave work early on Friday, the darn bug had caught him there. And he thought he'd share with the other family members.

I cannot lie...was happy to lose a few lbs. Ridiculous.

I'm usually immune to stomach stuff, head problems are more my weakness. I can catch a headache any day of the week, but pass by when Kell has been laid out cold with the sweats...not this one. I'm a wimpy baby when it comes to nausea and things spinning when they're not supposed to. Laying by the toilet on cold tile, I just hate it.

But let me share some insights as I laid in bed physically sick for 2 days:

1) Lying in bed is awful and days are long when your mind wants to get out of bed but your body won't let you.

2) Physical sickness is awful, but because there is usually an end in sight and you somewhat understand what is going on, you have more acceptance and others compassion.

3) If you are depressed (emotionally/mentally sick) and you cannot get out of bed, (do NOT judge this if you have never been there, you WON'T get it,) you cannot get out of bed physically, mentally, emotionally. You wish you could and you hate yourself for not being able to and it is a vicious circle.

4) This type of depression is so painful and so covert and many may not even recognize it for what it is. As a nation depression has been stigmatized as being weak. That is a myth.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from any type of depression here is my advise:

treated yourself kindly
be aware of your SELF
take inventory of your sdb's (self destructive behaviors)
reach out for some type of social support
be open to different medicinal approaches whether anti-depressants or naturopathic
seek professional help

If you ignore depression or any prolonged feelings of sadness, what quality of life do you have...and why are you not addressing it? Denial is not a coping mechanism; it's a cop out. I know, I've done it.

The "Me" Bucket

2011-01-08T12:02:00.003-07:00

Today I feel empty. The bucket is dry. It has been an Emotional Week. I am a wife, mother, daughter,

sister, aunt, friend, boss, and gramog to my new little Lucy “pooh.”

Lucy Lu aka Lucy "pooh"

Lucy required potty training every hour while she visited the last few days. Lucky me.

Sometimes there is just not enough “me” to go around. Any other “me’s” out there?

Dudes have Emo Too

2011-01-04T19:12:00.002-07:00


Gary, and his 3 children that he raised as a single parent.

A very special man, a brother-in-law to me passed away suddenly last Thursday evening. Gary had a way with words and in fact had published two books. His first was titled, “Used Man.” He was a great example of… “Like me as I am, and if you don’t, I don’t give a rats ass.” Wow, I love you Gary!

After writing “Thoughts in a box” I started to think about the difficulty culture has put upon men in expressing their emotions. Our society has pigeonholed and labeled our boys from inside the womb. Their toughness has been expected, and the labeling has stifled the idea that men don’t have, can’t have, or display emotion. What? Why? How can that be possible? Men are spiritual/emotional/human beings every bit as much as a woman! The last time I checked on the emo of the men in my life, when they were being REAL, these were the most beautiful, endearing, wonderful, and attractive times I have spent with them. Emo does not always come out so easily; again, we have conditioned one another that this is not the way it is “supposed to be.” Well, times change, we don’t have to act tough to be tough. The most rigid and defensive individuals are usually the most insecure (thanks Dr. D. for helping me to see this)!

So here is the challenge, how do men in our culture feel safe and masculine and still know that emotion is not just acceptable but a beautiful thing to show? I don’t really expect them to write down their epiphanies on pretty paper and put them in a decorative box!

Like any cultural change it takes time, knowledge and understanding and I think we are moving in that direction in some ways and in others we may be moving far from it. Which way is your family moving in?

Dad on his last homeopathic treatment for the day.

As I have watched the change and growth in my boys over the years from the teens and now into their 20’s and T.J. is now 30, I see great strides of improvement. I attribute much of this due to the challenges that we have gone through and triumphed over together. I am seeing an outpouring of uninhibited love and expressed emotion with Kelly and his brother’s as they say farewell to their first sibling to pass away. And I have seen a delightful positive outpouring of expression to and from my father in our family as cancer has invaded his body. Panic began to overtake all of our thoughts when we first received the news of my dad's cancer. We felt an an urgency of celebrating life and love… yet lest we forget, we do not and cannot ever know when our very special Dudes can be called home…

Thoughts...in a BOX

2011-01-02T15:38:00.005-07:00

One year for Christmas I gave my beautiful mother a decorative “Christmas” box with a copy of the book, “The Christmas Box” and a letter I had written to her. My intentions were to write her a letter each year so she could keep it in her pretty box. As good intentions go, no other Christmas letters have been written but my sweet mom has started a tradition of her own.

When we were little Mom made each of us our own Christmas stocking. Each of us was very proud of our stocking because she spent several hours on each one. Christmas day is now rather quiet for our family and after all the hustle of the season we welcome the peace. I asked my mom what she was doing for Christmas this year and she said, “I’m staying home alone and writing my letters to each of you kids. I like to be alone on Christmas.”

I found out several years ago that Mom started writing letters to Sherry, Richard and Amanda, (Dave’s children) and me. Honestly I do not know what kind of a “stocking” my mom is putting these letters in, and I don’t care about the stockings, but I am touched by her love and expression of making it a tradition to write a letter to each of us. Sometimes the spoken word is difficult for us. What a treasure we will have for years to come when our loved ones depart and we have their feelings and words to reflect upon.

Sometimes we don’t capture the “moments.” Such as when our children say the cutest and funniest things! If you are a parent, I know you can relate. We think we will remember…well, we don’t! I did write down some of those things…I just can’t remember where I filed that paper…I know it’s here in the house…SOMEWHERE!

So my advice, get a beautiful box, chest or trunk, and some pretty paper and every time your kids do something cute or funny jot it down and put it in your BOX. And don’t forget… sometimes we have an ephiphany or two of our own… write those down too, and then some time, grab a quiet night and open your box or boxes…and enjoy those quite times alone. You can reminisce, cry, laugh, and enjoy right where you are. Oh, and I suggest you indulge in your favorite drink and treat, a coke zero and a cookie would accompany me, along with a pack of dogs.

Roxee, Dozer, Zion...Lucy had not joined us when this was taken... and they are not as obedient since she has! We are working on things. Puppies. :)

The Power of Alone

2011-01-01T09:14:00.008-07:00

I am a big fan of journaling. I have a diary from fifth grade, one from Jr. high, another from when I was a single mom, and now I frequently pop on to my computer and type a few words or pour out my soul, whichever seems to be the necessary call of the day.

My new granpuppie Lucy!

Some people find it hard to express themselves. I get that. At times I would rather stay at home and be by myself, retreat from the world and just connect to my computer with my passions or my grief. At other times I embrace life and people with the zest and excitement of a new puppy. This change in my “moods” is not necessarily my “bi-polar” disorder, it is really just part of my personality too. Sometimes I am extroverted and other times I am introverted. I don’t believe we have to be all or nothing, and furthermore, I really hate labels. I think we can get stuck with these labels in our lives and end up trying to fulfill them, these labels we are assigned sometimes from a very early age may or may not be what we really are deep in our souls after all.

What I have loved so much about journaling is that it is a place where I can be real with no judgment. I can purge my thoughts, feelings, frustrations, sadness, celebrations, and yes if I go back and read through my journal it is a documentation of my progression through life. And oh what a life it has been! I’m grateful for this journey, particularly for the struggles, for this is when I found out the strength of who I am and what I am made of. I have grown in character and compassion and it brings me great satisfaction when I can go through an experience with another person and have some sort of understanding and can say to some degree, “I understand.”

If you do not know yourself why not? Do you keep yourself so busy or preoccupied with other people’s business or problems to avoid your own? Or have you adopted some or many of the sdb’s (self destructive behaviors) that I have been involved in, i.e.: workaholism, addiction (of any kind), denial, avoidance, eating too many cookies in a day, buying too many clothes for your dog…you know stupid stuff like that! Stuff that makes you look like a crazy person and people label you “MENTAL.” EWE!!

So here’s the deal, not everyone is going to be into journaling. What IS important and what can really improve the quality of your life is AWARENESS. Eckhart Tolle was the first to really introduce it to me in a little book called Stillness Speaks. I still refer to it often, even though I randomly picked it up off of a bookshelf 10 years ago. And I quote:

Is suffering really necessary? Yes and no.

If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you as a human being, no humility, no compassion…Suffering cracks open the shell of ego, and then comes a point when it has served its purpose. Suffering is necessary until you realize it is unnecessary.

We all have choices. We all have challenges. We cannot compare or quantify the amount of suffering or for that matter achievements we have. Life is life and we go through it. If we make choices to try to avoid it, it has consequences…and at some point we pay the piper.

Sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed…and I don’t! I sleep, I read, I journal, but it’s my choice! On the other days I run like crazy, HA. I have a family, I run a business, I go to school and I love and care for people, and oh ya my dogs. So don’t judge me. And if you feel like staying in bed one day, go ahead, I wouldn’t judge you, the question is…would you, JUDGE YOU?

You get to know yourself when you are quiet and spend time ALONE…with YOURSELF.

Christmas Traditions and Change

2010-12-26T12:35:00.002-07:00


Mom and Me at Cemetary

Some traditions live on…and some change. After Dave died we would gather around his grave on Christmas Eve and sing Christmas songs, shed tears, share stories, laugh through our tears and pray. That tradition changed a few years ago when the family got bigger and older. Each of us still remember Dave through the holidays in our own way. I dropped off my wreath this year and was delighted to see he had been visited by many already. He is not one who is easily forgotten. He comes by a stature of command naturally through my dad’s lineage, (6 ft. 4, 230 lb.) so playing Santa was a natural and rather humorous affair for the adults who got to witness the event.

Back in the “olden days” when I was a kid there was no Santa costume and Grandma Allen bought red and white tissue paper for the children and we would create Santa on my dad which was fun, albeit certainly no mystique in the legend of Santa. Then one year investment in the whole Santa costume get up was made and the delight of Christmas parties was never the same! Year after year Dad plowed his body into that hot costume and HO-Ho'd his way with bells and a bound into all the family parties and a few others. I’m not sure who had more fun, the kids or Santa?!


Dave as Santa holding Richard

Dave watched Dad pour on the Santa charm and took over in his twenties. I’m not sure if the kids were smarter in the 80’s or if we were just so naive, but those kids were on to Santa Dave like nobodies business. Nevertheless it didn’t spoil any of the fun. Dave could lead our musically deficient family through a string of Christmas carols, and you better believe Dave never missed a word. Mom taught us all the classics.


From left to right:my Dad, Sherry (wanting to be Santa!), Santa Richard

In all honesty I don’t remember if Dad picked up during the interim when Dave was gone and Richard was too young to carry on the Santa tradition. Some years you are a little numb during the holidays. But we now have the tallest, skinniest, off the cuff Santa ever! Santa Richard, Dave’s son is carrying on the tradition with varoom! The children are a tad bit intimidated by his towering height but endeared to his loving disposition and enamored by his questions. As for the adults…tradition does live on…inside that Santa costume is a little bit of my big Dad and my big Brother. You can hear it in his voice, you can see it in the gestures and you definitely feel it in the love.

3 Degress of Depression Part II

2010-12-25T17:53:00.000-07:00

Many years ago, during my first round of college I had a professor teach me about the I-BEAM. He asked what would you cross an I-beam for if it were spanned 1,000 feet in the air between two tall buildings? Would you cross it for a million dollars? Would a million dollars be worth risking your life? What if it was for a loved one in need?

I believe most of us would not give it a second thought and would be on our way to the other side. What if that one in need was actually you?

Can you recognize when you need help? Many people needlessly suffer because of living in denial? Or as I have said before… sometimes you just don’t know what you don’t know. Awareness is key to living joyfully, if you have experienced any type of situational or chemical depression research shows that laughter really can be one of the very best medicines of all!

In our family we laugh at ourselves. You can choose to laugh or cry and it is a whole lot healthier to laugh and poke a little fun at things that hit close to home. Kelly, my husband and I have been in the service business for a long time now and we have some great memories of dumb things we say… or ignorant things others say. Here’s one for the records--

Kelly’s was in the middle of coloring a ladies hair in our salon, and for some reason women have a tendency to bare their sole (and other things I might add) while this good looking man (my husband!) makes them look great. No doubt he encounters several TMI (too much information) situations regularly. Well, Mrs. “Whogit” went on and on to Kelly about how “crazy” and how much she disliked her daughter-in-law because she was bi-polar and she did all kinds of strange things and she was hoping her son would divorce her. Kelly stayed silent until she had finished her story and then politely said, “My wife is bi-polar…”

I have had similar situations, sometimes I set them straight, and sometimes I wait for them to leave and I have a good belly laugh about the ignorance of the my dearly departed “friend.”

They say Ignorance is Bliss? Huh?

The 3 degrees of depression Part 1

2010-12-19T11:42:00.002-07:00

The more you know, the more you realize you don't know. I just finished three semesters of college at 47 years old. Now here is one thing I do know: when you experience things first person, second person, and then third person in MANY different circumstances, under many different situations you CAN BEcome familiar with something and possibly give it some clarification and description. Here is my attempt at that...

I rank depression in two categories, chemical and situational; and in the three differing degrees. Situational is something that has happened in your life that brings you down. Chemical is the “feel good” chemicals in your brain are just not working properly . If you think that this is not possible there is plenty of research to prove this. I refer you to this site to learn more about it.

Now for my three degrees:

The glOOm: a grey cloud has settled over you, you don’t feel like yourself, but you still push yourself through life and get through your responsibilities. It is no way to live! And there is help for you! Many people live like this and it could be caused by a chemical imbalance. Family history of mental illness is an indicator, hence the problem, no one has wanted to talk about mental illness. times are changing.

As more research develops and the realization is coming forth that the brain sometimes does malfunction in the mood centers. Huh?!

The Black dog: Winston Churchill coined this phrase. I use it to describe when I can’t get out of bed because I am so depressed. If I “crash,” it is because I have physically exhausted myself (this goes along with bi-polar) because I have been a little on the high side and I am paying for it and have to sleep off my over exertion. If I am manic for long periods of time, the phrase goes, “what ever goes UP must come down!” The BLACK DOG sets in and the feeling of despair sets in. For those who suffer from uni-polar depression the black dog can set in and the feelings of worthlessness and lack of pleasure for anything sits on top of you like a stinky mangy black dog and there does not seem to be any reason why. When there is no reason why, this is chemical. If there has been a tragedy, such as a death, divorce, loss of income and such the black dog may set in for a short time, but situations change and the mangy guy leaves.

The abYss: I don’t even like to address the abyss, because for those of you who have been there, bringing back any of those memories, well, it is just downright painful. This is when you are on the bottom of the ocean, and you have no desire to save yourself. You need help professionally and you need it quickly. You have people that love and care about you…even if it feels as though you don’t! Reach out!!! It’s hard, but it IS worth it and you have the courage because I care about you because I have been there a time or two.

A friend told me the other day that on the average children laugh 400 times per day and adults laugh 14 times per day, and that we adults better GET WITH IT!

Awareness of the Regrets...Live NOW

2010-12-11T14:53:00.026-07:00

I’m starting to believe I’ve moved my office as many times as my family has gone through divorces! Ouch. I now have 2 offices. One at home for my U of U social work studies, and one in our beautiful Phazes building that I love so much…I don’t love my business as an entity, I love its SPIRIT. It is warm, inviting and loving. From the very first day of conception (yes I say conception,) because we bore and have belabored with this little baby, whom is now 24 years old. She is wonderful, temperamental, and her insides have all the beauties now of a grown woman.

Today I am 47 yrs old, plus another 128 days. I have few regrets, but this is one that I wish I could change, however at the time, I was just so unaware. When I reflect back on my life, when I was actually living it, there was much of the time...I was not there. Oh my physical body was there, and possibly even a certain presence of mInd was there; but what I am talking about is really living the moment. Being totally present with the person, or the experience, or even the feeling...and Living in the NOW.

It seems like such an odd thing to say, yet if you actually think about it, how often are you somewhere, but your mind is completely in a different space and time?

How often have you got in your car and arrived at your destination and you cannot remember any of the turns you took, stops you made, or how you got there?! Your physical body was performing, but your mind was in a completely different place. Now imagine being the person sitting next to you in that car, or maybe in a room with you or in any given situation and they NEEDED you…and You just were Not There…

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
- Mark Twain

Oh my gosh, there are so many things competing for our attention! So what are your priorities and what matters most? I cannot answer this for you, i can only answer it for myself. Furthermore it would be rude and assuming if I tried!

I find that we as people ruminate over many things that happened in the past and fret about things that could be detrimental to our futures. We play these “negative tapes,” so to speak in our heads repeatedly, relive them to nauseum. Just because we ‘see’ things a certain way in our own minds, doesn't make it truth! It is another one of those…”maybe if you walked a mile in anothers shoes, you'd "see" things differently….

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
It's about learning how to dance in the rain.

- Vivian Greene

Different is often times a good thing, our world changes, and so must we...

A Hairy Dream InterPretation

2010-12-07T10:44:00.016-07:00

Last night I had a dream I was skiing and broke my leg. A gentleman came to help me, and as he lifted my ski pants to see the damage, there was a protruding bone sticking 2 inches out of my ankle... and the hairiest leg (one that is) I have ever seen on a woman. OH my goodness, yes, my other leg was cleanly shaven! Is this weird? Am I bi-polar or something?! I was horribly embarrassed!

It was kind of like when your parents told you “make sure you have on clean underwear, you never know when you’re going to get in an accident!” What was that all about? (if you are a young one, you won't understand that phrase). Ive often wonder if that is what they do when you get in an accident. Pull down your pants and see if your underwear’s clean.Good psychology Mom and Dad!

Anyway, I have a dream interpretation book. I’m a little fascinated by dreams. I looked up “hairy legs.” Huh, Nothing.

My interpretation: Maybe I'm forgetting something I am supposed to be doing... like...probably right now!?

Living Life through the CRAP

2010-12-04T10:20:00.015-07:00

I know just how you feel.

Sometimes only my dog gets it.

I have had the distinct pleasure, or the awful curse (depends on how you look at it) to spend a lot of hours in bed…more than the average bear (or dog). I’m a SOCIAL creature, yet as circumstances would have it, either my brain or my body just does not always cooperated to my liking. I have been criticized/judged for this at times, yet my doctor was wise when he said “who would CHOOSE to stay in bed?” There are some who think that depression is "all in your head?" Uh, Exactly. Your brain chemistry is off, and it makes your feel like crap, just like when your pancreas is off and you're a diabetic, you feel like crap. Huh, that's weird?

I certainly would never choose to stay in bed, I loathe it, it’s a painful place to be…I have places to go, people to see, life to experience. But if your body revolts and your brain is foggy, well, as I have said before…”you try it, and walk a mile..........”

During the past year I have felt very little depression, but I have felt a good share of exhaustion. Exhaustion to the point my muscles hurt and my energy is zapped (no i don't have fibromyalgia). Life expects a lot sometimes and I’m not so good at monitoring or quiting when I’m just tired. I pay a high price for my excessiveness, but my thoughts, my extra feel good chemicals when I am 'ewe manic' drive me on. My aspirations and expectations about life are high. It’s not about the high life. I gave up caring about “things” when my ego was busted years back. Sure I love nice things, but being nice and caring about other people is what makes life worth living and drives me.

I have responsibilities. It happens by the time we are approaching 50, there's a lot of STUFF. But life happens one day at a time, one moment at a time…and keeping perspective of those days and those moments…even when a tear is shed and then there is laughter that follows—life is happening. And it is all in the journey and the journey is really beautiful, for it is the simple things that count…


Meet Lucy Lu

Soooo…here is a little thing...meet my new grandog, Lucy! Our new little Red Boston, is laying in her Daddy’s arms (yes, Disneyland Dog DAD now has THREE). Seriously Three! It looks as if Roxee and Lucy will do just fine together.

It's safe out here! Come on girls.

And where is Dozer? If I have three guesses, he’s either out patrolling the neighborhood, thinking he's got to protect his brood, or hiding under the bed because he got in trouble. He gets gas and Disneyland Dad doesn't like it...or he taking he nap witt he love dog BOBO. Yep, he loving he BOBO! Ahhh. Love my puppies...almost as much as my kids.

I changed my kids diapers and I'm not above helping to potty training Lucy Lu, in fact I stepped right in her CRAP just yesterday. Sometimes life just stinks. And we cry and then we laugh, but we must choose to live.

The MoNsTer in Me!

2010-11-26T19:33:00.016-07:00

I have a bazillion things to do--clean the house, shop at the store--for you Mormons now, no bursting into song --"so we can be ready for Sunday."

I wish I felt like singing, the dogs miss my singing, I haven't been singing as much lately. I'm not depressed.........I'm situationally challenged.

I should be working at the salon/boutique, working in my office, doing homework, yada yada. What I should do and what I feel like doing are two completely different things...but as it goes I have my trusty little lap top and my faithful little lap dog, and I surf the day away.

I do my best not to guilt myself, Dad always said, "if I miss this meeting, there will be another." And then that sh** eating grin would appear on his face, his head would bob slightly from shoulder to shoulder in mischievous disdain and you could hear a slight chuckle. Wow do I love reality. There is always plenty of meetings, housework, homework and shopping, even for a Saint...and excuse me, but I'm not a Saint, I'm a farmers daughter, occasionally I have the mouth to prove it, (sh, I mean oops)!

I have learned that the list of stuff isn't going away, and I'm pretty sure this icky feeling in my chest will. I could do ALL that stuff (or get started,) and ignore this icky feeling, but "feeling" it is part of "healing."

I am reading, or rather re-reading, a book I read years ago. I have referred to many chapters on several occasions over the past 5 years. I love books where at the beginning of chapters are thoughts or poems that pertain to the book that make you think or give some type of insight. Here is the thought at the beginning of Chapter 9 from "Enchanted Love" by Marianne Williamson, entitled "Removing the Ghosts"

"There are monsters in my past, my darling.
So what? I have a few in mine. But I am not the monster.

I am not the monster, and the monster is not me."

When I was a little girl I was terrified of monsters! So much so that my dad had to carry me in his arms and show me every closet and look under every bed. Together we would walk through our basement, opening the "darkroom" door was the scariest! This was surely the place the "monsters" would be waiting. But my dad was bigger and stronger than any of them! I could have never trusted, I could have never slept had we not done this ritual every night. I cannot remember what frightened me so much, nor how long it continued, but eventually I did learn to trust.

I look back and see that, yes, the monster was in me...the monster is always in us. Can we accept that, can we actually see that...and move past it? Face my fears? I can now. Sometimes I just need a day (or two,) on, off, in or out of "reality." Doesn't really matter to me which preposition you use. I suppose it's all about how You look at it.

Headaches, Homework, and Cancer, Part II

2010-11-25T10:18:00.043-07:00

I don’t care how many holidays go by. I miss him. We all miss him. This is the 16th and Dave’s name always comes up around the Thanksgiving table and most definitely if we play games. He won monopoly even if he HAD to cheat, Dave won. DAD wants to win the battle of “incurable stage 4” cancer. He CAN win the battle. None of us win the final war, which is OK, I have no doubt Dave is doing just fine, and it will be a good reunion when we all join him.

What gives me headache number 15 since Friday is all the not knowing.

“How sick will he be on chemo? Why does this happen? How does this happen?

Why has this stabbing pain now moved from behind my eyes to my chest?

Does he want Dozer to come over? He comforts me.

Why do I have to be strong?

Maybe Zion would be the better Dog? I would give her up. She lies with me for hours when I am hurting. If Zion goes to Dad's I need to go, I don't sleep well without Zion. No matter, I'm not sleeping much.

No Roxee is the only dog for the job, she understands pain and suffering, she IS the LOVE dog, Rondy would LOVE ROXEE!

AND how does chemo really REALLY work?”

Fear. And then we face it, what IS the alternative? I have stayed in bed for long, ridiculously long periods of time. Depression? Excuse me for saying so but I would rather die…the long drawn out chemical type of depression where there is no joy, no purpose, and all there is in your world is darkness for no reason? cOp oUt, ViCtIm, ya I know. If you don’t get it, you never will, don’t even try…, and suicide is not a choice, knowledge, management and acceptance, life keeps on...but NO I have purpose!... my family has purpose. MY DAD HAS PURPOSE!!!

We face our fears, we fight when necessary, we surrender when a broken heart and contrite spirit is the order of the day, and we fight each battle as it comes, even when we do not understand or know our enemies.

Without challenges we do not grOW. Without heartaches we learn no CoMpAsSiOn. All these things are part of our journey…and we do NOT avoid them, or distract ourselves from them, or run away from them, because sooner or later, the challenges and heartaches knock at everyone's door, or just crash it down and it just comes in anyway. My homework is working the steps now, and the homework from the UofU won't be going away either (anthropology sucks). Life just keeps on...

Today I am a little angry, a little sad and I know that this is part of a grieving process that i have to go through. It is part of acceptance. I’m not sure if I will be totally happy tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but happiness does come, if I choose to allow it. Dad says he is happy, this is important and what matters most! He is happy when his family visits. He is happy when he feels loved. Love can and does heal ALL. He is loved, Oh, He IS LOVED!!!

From Headaches, to Homework to CanCer? Part I

2010-11-20T10:59:00.016-07:00

It seems my mind can race to hell and back in a matter of a 24-hour period with ruminating thoughts and piercing pain behind the sockets of my eyeballs that once again bring me back to…WOAH…glad that one’s OVER!!!!

This week, well, was filled with…deficits in the checking account(S), payroll due, homework, catching up on homework, presentations in two classes…and, my granddog pooped in the house, the big Dog, DOZER! Not finished yet…a little on the manic side for I am not sleeping…and oh did I mention my dad went in to the doctor to “have his throat stretched.” He was having trouble swallowing, came out with a cancer diagnosis, it got worse as the week went on and it looks as though it is in his lymph nodes.

So here is the deal, we all deal with a whole lot of STUFF in this life. Headaches, bills, homework and cancer, it varies from uncomfortable, to downright over the edge, on the brink, to, I’ve had it! But you Don’t, you Can’t, and you Won’t, and if you Do, then You become the Victim; and the unpleasant things of life Beat you, instead of You Beating Them!

So what do we do with the unpleasant things of life, or the downright tragedies when they hit? Hey, I’m no doctor…and I don’t think “they” have all the answers either. In all honesty, most of my answers or peace has come in the quiet constraints after a long battle, (usually with myself, isn’t that our biggest ones) comes when I petition God…and then I LISTEN. Now this listening is REALLY strange, no get this, REALLY weird, because all of a sudden very quietly I hear this conversation in my head that is so Loving and Logical, with absolutely NO JUDGMENT. No matter how awful I think I am, or others are, this voice is so accepting and loving. And all of it, as if it is a puzzle seems to fit together, and I get a glimpse of everything and I settle. My spirit settles…and I trust. I stop fearing. And I know that no matter what, things are as they should be, and life was meant to live happily.

It’s our choice to figure out how in between the headaches, the bills, the homework and the cancer, we choose and we learn how to be content and happy. All of life is lived in a -- dash --

-- to be continued --

Love the Differences

2010-11-18T19:23:00.008-07:00

I am giving a presentation tomorrow on affirmative action. While I am an advocate for equal rights and always desire to give a hand to those in need, I see many positives that came from affirmative action, but as in life everything has its opposite. My purpose is not to debate affirmative action rather to ignite thought in each of us about our personal biases or prejudices about race.

I conducted a survey last semester in my sociology class and asked the question who people felt were the most discriminated against in America. Race was the #1 choice, which was interesting given the fact that by 2042 the white race will be the minority. We live in a highly diverse society yet we still fear each other just because of the color of one another’s skin? Or is it that we just do not understand one another’s language, culture or background?

I have said to my children many times…to know someone is to love someone. It’s so easy to judge and so hard to give someone the benefit of the doubt or put a little effort into getting to know them, particularly if they are “different.” I have found some of my richest and most rewarding relationships amongst those “different” individuals that I now call my closest friends.

If we watch, children will teach us many things.

Self-Destructive Pants on the Ground

2010-11-01T17:15:00.011-06:00

Sometimes I am nothing more than a hypocrite. Saying one thing yet completely doing another. The internal battle or war of conscience begins, and it is an ugly battle. I lose. I lose and come out with gashes and scars of proportional size. I wonder…to what degree do others do this self-defeating repetitive ritual? I surely cannot be alone in this.

Self-destructive behaviors, I know them all to well. They are like the familiar pair of jeans I have had since I was a teenager, only completely too small and therefore look terrible and make me feel uncomfortable in my own jeans (and genes). I think we hide these “behaviors” because of our EGOS and sometimes these “jeans” unfortunately DO get comfortable. Sometimes they have been with us for so long; we may not even realize that we are wearing them… and they are not so… becoming!

It seems as if I have been blessed with important times in which I now refer to as my, “humility calls” wherein I slow down and take an inventory of what is important in my life. It is in my nature to let the tasks of life speed me up, then weigh me down and overshadow what I value most. What I value most is relationships with my loved ones. I also value a peaceful and a content soul. To some these things come natural, for me, I must work at them.

For those of you who battle the self-destructive behavior GENES,
wouldn’t it be great if we could just put those PanTs on the GrounD once and for all?

You. Matter.

2010-10-30T09:49:00.005-06:00

As I slumbered my husband rolled over and saw that my hands were raised above me, one hand holding up the other. He sweetly said to me, “you can put your hands down now” as he gently pushed my hands down toward the bed. I giggled, turned over, giggled again at myself and returned to my peaceful state…

I’m not exactly sure what I was thinking or dreaming about. I do raise my hand when I am in class for I enjoy being in on the discussions. I want my voice to be heard.

Each of us has a Voice. Each of us Matter. Sometimes, and maybe even oftentimes we feel unheard. After awhile of feeling we do not matter many emotions may set in…anger, resentment, indifference. If you have fallen victim to any of these emotions, the first step to recovery is to recognize this feeling. Own it; validate where it comes from and then move past it. Sometimes we become indifferent or even silenced because someone or something has squelched our voice that has beaten our spirit.

Life is about choice. We make good ones, we make bad ones, but we live Now. The choices we have made are in the past. How we react to them is in the Now. We can become victims to Life… or we can raise our hands, stand up for ourselves and Matter. You. Matter.

Seriously, I Whisper to My Dogs

2010-10-20T19:48:00.012-06:00

I love the Dog Whisperer. I pretty much think Cesar Milan rocks. Not because of his beautiful white teeth or the way he snaps his fingers and dogs obey, but because he is spiritually in tune with a deeper connection of life. Am I crazy (don’t answer that), or what?

But seriously, if you watch this show enough times, and really watch it and learn, you will catch this inner connection of nature and nurture, you will see the way in which our energy influences so much around us…and most of the time, we as humans are completely unaware!

So we have our 3 dogs, Zion the privileged princess, who is my dog that I hate to admit, wears designer clothes and a personalized bling bling collar. Then there is Dozer, my faithful patrolling granddog that would not hurt a flea, yet I will admit has scared half the neighborhood so much that I had to rescue him from the pound after one overly dramatic mother got carried away and called animal control. She apparently had not been “Dozer Savvy” at the time. And then there is Roxee, she is Dozer’s responsibility in life, for which he shuttles her out to potty and follows her around to make sure his 65 pounds is protecting her deviant 12 lbs.! This is difficult, she picks fights on anything that is two to five hundred times her size. Big dogs, horse and such, she will leap out of car windows if they look at her wrong. We have had some scenes with this special needs pup. So we have had partial to full custody of the two Yeawhos for the past few years while Disneyland Dog Dad is still filling his oats. It keeps the house full and we love the nurturing opportunities as we patiently wait for the grandchildren to come along…

Dozer dominating Roxee to get what he wants in the "pre" Dog Whisperer days.

Now back to Cesar…last episode he was dealing with an “unbalanced dog” named Chloe from Boston. She and her owner make the trip to go to the dog psychology center as a last stitch effort in hopes of saving her. The dog has been traumatized and whenever she encounters other dogs she bites her owner. I won’t go into a play by play of the episode, but what I found fascinating was after Cesar worked with her, Chloe the dog did this little dance, he recognized it as her fully surrendering to the pack. Chloe wanted to play and be a part of the pack. She trusted in Cesar and shortly thereafter trusted the pack. Cesar immediately pulled the leash off after she did this adorable little dance, which to a lay person they may not have caught what she was doing, but in the replay you definitely caught the playfulness of her behavior. Cesar's quick reaction to allow her to enjoy and become part of the pack was exactly what Chloe needed to release her fears. She ran playfully with the other dogs with sheer enjoyment. Her owner sat in disbelief! Cesar explained how he had to honor the dogs body language and reward her immediately for she had let go of her fears.

Cesar says, “I rehabilitate dogs, I train people.” I think that is hilarious, because in every instance we always think that something is WRONG with the dog, but dogs react to us as humans. We as humans must lead dogs with a calm and aggressive manner for the dogs to be happy and balanced.

I see parallels in this as we relate to one another as people. I believe we feel one anothers energy a great deal, but do not acknowledge it in our brains. I also believe IF we reacted in calm and confident manners to many situations we would have favorable outcomes. I replaced aggressive with confident on purpose. So that is the “lesson” in this blog…you have to think about it…

Just so you know the progress with Dozer and Roxee, Dozer is no longer chasing little kids and knocking them down to steal their stuffed animals, yes, all I have to do is calmly say “HEY!” And Roxee no longer charges the TV when animals come on the screen. Her favorite show is the Dog Whisperer too. In the beginning she had to lie on her back on the couch next to me to watch the show (a tip from Cesar which calms dogs). She now is able to sit right next to me (and sit on her haunch she does) while we watch. If she starts shaking and gets a little excited, I just lean over and, I whisper to her! What do I say? That’s between Roxee and me.
This is Roxee pre "Dog Whisper" days (2009) attacking another dog on TV, we've come along way baby!

What do YOU give?

2010-10-06T18:23:00.011-06:00

I took two mid-term exams today. Neither exams were about the environment or Green Peace, which is a non-government organization that evolved out of a peace movement and anti-nuclear protests. But the subject matter that was on the exams brought this phrase to mind, "You get what you give" of which, I agree and I disagree. May I explain?

Economically: We do not get what we give, equitably...women (all races/ethnicity combined still earn 80.2% of what men earn, and only 68.9% if you are an African American woman (IWPR.org 2009). It is a myth that poor people are lazy and the wealthy are ambitious. In America your socio-economic class is more connected to your background, the family you were born into.

Politically: as a nation we seem to hear more left and right wing rhetoric than we actually see in steps forward to solving the important issues that require compromise and egos to be put aside. Americans become apathetic to issues and voting when their representatives are bought by big business and special interests.

Socially: the status and prestige that is present in the so to speak "caste system" in America divides us into social classes from the poor to the excessively rich. When 95% of the wealth in this country is owned by 2.8% of the population, this very tight group of people can and do have profound effects on peoples lives. I am disappointed in the disproportion between two professions like teachers and professional athletes. Teachers have little prestige (and wages comparatively) in the ranks of our social classes. America elevates (and pays) professional athletes more to entertain our children than to educate them.

Physically: you get what you give. Exercise, eat right, generally works in your favor. Enough said.

Mentally/Emotionally: what you think about you bring about, thoughts create behaviors. By acknowledging and owning your own behavior and not others you will generally be more mentally and emotionally healthy. When you are mentally and emotionally healthy you have positive energy and you are a positive force to be around...you get what you give. Acknowledging your mental/emotional well-being to fluctuate and be ok with that is powerful, it is ok NOT to operate at 100%, one hundred percent of the time.

Relationships: this is one area where you get what you give...but are the motives of the two the same? Two people equal balance... which equals proportionate effort, however if one persons intentions are romantic and the others is friendship the relationship will be out of balance, you will not get what you give. Not all relationships have to be about getting, sometimes just giving is enough to fill your cup. However if you are always taking, your cup will never filleth...

Butterflies are Free to Fly

2010-08-22T20:22:00.008-06:00

The freedom of the butterfly to randomly move over the landscape and spread its beauty while contributing to our ecosystem seems trivialized at times. Similarly the lessons we learn during the tragedies of life are marginalized yet the contributions to our lives are monumental.

I suppose what happens in life is we all perceive things in our own way…I may see the glass as half full, to someone else it is half empty, and we both are right. But what does it really matter?.......I believe what matters is that we love and respect one another for the experiences we each have. What I believe matters is we place no judgment beyond that… for that would be injustice and a tragedy. After all, we have not walked in the other mans shoes. No one choose pain, yet pain is a part of life. What we do with the pain is what makes the man.

“The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly.” Richard Bach.

The pains of life cause us to fear, and fear causes us to want to control. What in fact we learn is we have control of so little. Only when we surrender do we actually become free…

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.” Richard Bach

What you try to control, controls you.

Butterflies are free to fly...it could not have been otherwise.

Bee's and Secret's

2010-08-17T11:18:00.032-06:00

My good Doc recommended the book "The Secret Life of Bee's" a few years ago and I enjoyed it very much. Recently I watched the movie and I enjoyed it also. There is a particular line from the movie which caught me and I have shared it with a few people that I love because it was so profound.

It has cause for contemplation...

"Sometimes not Feeling is the only way you can Survive."

I see this often; in fact I have lived this myself. To not feel. To numb ourselves...we do this in so many different ways. Here are a few of the ways I can think of off the top of my head, (I've done most of them) work, sports, computers, drugs, alcohol, and the list goes on. It also comes out in our personalities (done this too), bitterness, being aloof, distant, or playing the victim.

Life deals us many challenges and often times we face tragedies. I had a certain kind of life prior to my brother's death and a different one after. I became a victim of so many things after, and I played the martyr at times as well. What I have personally come to realize is that challenges and tragedies in life are the way in which character is built, and we either get life or we become victims of it. Our ability to reach out to others and to find the lesson that was buried amongst the heartache is where the happiness and true joys in life are found.

There is a period of time that to survive we must be numb for a while. Slowly the numbness or the "not feeling" wears off and we peel away the layers of the heartaches and we become better. We accept what we cannot change. We change those things we can, and we recognize the things we cannot and move forward. We make our choices. We simplify. We uncomplicate our lives and we find the joy again or at least we hope we do. This is Dozer my Grandog after a Bee stung him. He learned quickly. He's never been stung again. I wish I could have learned as quickly.

When we exercise we break down the muscle and then it rebuilds itself only to come back stronger. Life really is no different. We either choose to have things that build us up, such as a good environment, positive behaviors and the most important is uplifting people around us to support us in our lives. These are all choices we have.

It takes backbone to lead the lives we want. Dr. Phil says, "You cannot change what you don't acknowledge." For me life has always been about improvement, making things better, and getting ahead. I still feel the same, however my perspective has shifted a great deal over the last year as I have stopped to take a great big inventory of my life. I tossed a lot of things I did not need or were not good for me (this was hard). I counted the most important things, I counted the things I valued and I now try to allocated my time in those areas. I'm enjoying my journey more, rather than the destination being my primary focus. This is a definite switch for me.

By no means have I got it all figured out, but have you ever tried to figure out how Bee's do what they do?

I'm amazed to know the importance of such a little creatures effect on my life. Sometimes you do not have to figure it all out. Sometimes the secrets lie deep in your heart and you follow your instincts for they generally do not lead you astray. This life was meant to be balanced. If the Bee's can balance then we can too. With a little luck (and a whole lotta love) we can work it out.

Discrimination Beef

2010-07-08T19:35:00.017-06:00

I’m in school and I have another three years until I'm a counselor. I may be a little old to be starting this, but after living my life, well I cannot NOT do this. I am absolutely loving this journey!

I had an assignment to conduct a survey on Discrimination in America. I did a little test sample to begin with and posted a question on Facebook and asked, “who people perceived were the most discriminated group(s) in America.” The choices were between, physically handicap, mentally ill, socio-economically challenged, obese, gay, minority races, and minority religions. The comments got just a tad bit heated. For instance this was a comment concerning obesity, “Unless you have a medical issue that provides you the excuse to be ummm fluffy…” Another Facebooker was defending someone with a mental illness, yet she described the person she was defending as a “Schizo?” Isn’t that discrimination? While another said “I find it easier to discriminate against mentally ill people because they are unpredictable and sometimes a little scary to be around.” Hummm, well, touche, you should have seen me this past weekend, I was scared of myself! Now lest you forget, I’m bi-polar, that’s a mentally ill person. Yes I am very scary at times!

In the end what did I learn? I learned that surveys are subjective, not necessarily objective. We can learn something from them, if we, so to speak read between the lines. Out of the 60 surveys I sent out 43% were answered by men, 57% by women, and only 5% of the answers collected from a minority race.

Incidentally, the survey was sent out to a fair representation of all the groups that were typified in the survey. The 30 that responded either volunteered or were harangued by me, yours truly to give their answers.

The results from the survey…
Out of the 7 groups listed, physically handicap, mentally ill, socio-economically challenged, obese, gay, minority races, and minority religions, the write in category was elected to be used. The write ins added to the list were: single women, American veterans, Christians, Jews and conservatives. Which begs the question, can we all not find means or reasons, possibly even excuses to feel certain levels of discrimination? Another point, I believe we see the world through our own eyes and experiences, which can be both a blessing and a curse. Blessing, because experience is the best teacher, and a curse if we have never walked in another mans shoes, how can we judge?

The results from tabulations were: #1 Race #2 Obesity #3 Gay

There was an additional question posed in that some of these groups of people are more difficult, if not impossible to be identified by just appearances, and yet, if they WERE identified, by for instance, an obvious sign hanging from their neck, would it change people’s opinions? In addition, particularly would it change opinions if it were to have a direct impact or influence upon someones children? Only 14% changed their opinion, but it was enough to change the tabulations.

The result after the change: #1 Gay #2 Race #3 Obesity

Family upbringing was the greatest influence upon why we discriminate with 62% of the vote. Ignorance was sited as the number two possible reason why discrimination exists with it receiving 43% of the vote. I felt was these insights were poignant. It follows along the lines that we do have fears and insecurities as people. We obviously fear what we do not understand or know. We also follow the norms which surround us.

I believe if you look you can find humor in many of our socially skewed views. My vote for the two best comments of the most discriminated against:

“I don’t know, but I think it’s Greg Ostertag.” And,
“Lunch ladies, no one likes them, no one likes their food.”
Unless you’re a lunch lady or Ostertag, I think that’s funny!

If you still have a BEEF about Discrimination in America post it in the “Comments.”

Two kinds of People

2010-04-09T07:23:00.018-06:00

As this semester is coming to a close I have observed there are two kinds of college Professors. One who is interested in you and one who is there to strut their tail feathers. Now I abhor labels and I hate judgment, yet for the importance of a ‘lesson’ here, may I continue?

As I have sat through hours of lectures some teachers have perfected the art of being truly interested in their students, and their students eucation. In contrast there are those who pace back and forth pompously ignoring any raised hands, questions or comments and if there are questions, these Professors make the students feel inferior for having questioned or commented. Excuse me, was this not why the student is there, for the education, seeking out the teachers knowledge, not their ego?

After having discussed a rather lofty project of mine, a mentor that I adore, bent down in front of me and looked me in the eyes and talked to me face to face. With love he said, “Lori, I know you, and while it’s a great idea and lofty goal, you don’t want to burn out….” Well, the conversation went on from there, the love was felt, the message was well received and my “idea” is put on the back burner for another decade or two of my life. Ahhh relief.

So we play different roles in life, the giver, and the receiver of information. Teacher-student, Parent-child, Spouse-spouse, Boss-employee. What each requires, in my feeble opinion is respect, love, understanding, never superiority, ego or control. For some reason these roles we play lend themselves to the idea that we have “earned” the right to be over or thereby exercise some degree of control or superiority over someone. Even in the parental role, while guidance and boundaries are always necessary, respect is never in question. Talking down to another is disrespectful and is a reflection of one’s character, or at the very least their true self esteem.

To get on someone's level…walk a mile in someone’s shoes, or…wear someone’s earphones! Yes, this could be very enlightening! And we may learn a great deal to improve our relationships. Try it, but ONLY if you can, and I say ONLY, with NO possibility of judgment or repercussions to the individual. Listen to the music that your loved one listens to. More importantly listen to the lyrics first, and then the tempo, the beat and the overall mood of their favorite genre. Music is a personal expression of oneself. If you want to know your teenager (or anyone), this is a perfect place to start. What is the main theme of their music: crime and violence, sex and drugs, love and romance, politics and nature? Is it a happy sound, sad sound, confused sound? Do not take it personal! It is not about you, it IS about them and you are their advocate. Now ask yourself, what CAN you do. Now you have a snapshot of their world. You have walked a little step in their shoes, now get on their level and tell them how much you love them, care about them and ASK them what they need you to do for them.

Our roles in other people’s lives is to make it about them…and funny thing we end up getting what we need out of the relationship in the interim. Most of all what people need is for us to just listen and accept them, the growing and figuring things out is done on our own….right? Right. And for what it’s worth, I want to be happy more that right!

Narcissism is a lonely world. Strutting your tail feathers is lonely; after all we’ve seen all those colors.

What kind of PERSON are YOU???

What Life Deals Us

2010-03-24T11:30:00.014-06:00

For those of you with a mental illness be it depression or anything of its kind, you would learn a great deal from this post by John McManamy of Knowledge is Necessity, another blog I post as a link on this site. John is brilliant and has taken on the job of writing the "People's DSM", in which to create a more accurate and complete reference and understandable diagnosis of mental illnesses.

The piece got some backlash from a so called Dr. Drake. Currently it has 36 comments of which I participated. The blog will give you an overview of the different types of symptoms, characteristics and patterns of depression including bi-polar. Furthermore you will get a perspective of the frustration that goes on in the world of treatment and the difficulty that is being played in the public for good health care.

Touche...such timing! We hope for the best...We get involved and never play victim to what life deals us!

I Have a Dog

2010-03-21T15:55:00.020-06:00

I have a dog. This dog to be exact.
ZION.

I also have graciously, no custody battle whatsoever, am the guardian of these two yeawhoo's.

May I introduce Roxee Lynn Peepee Lovedog and Mr. Dozer, my GranDogs.

My son Tj, the intense, full of life child that he is, is running TJ Chapman Auto. He also runs a very full social agenda. Most humans could not keep up! This child does it well.

I can't bear the thought of Roxee and Dozer home alone, they show signs of depression and it tugs at my heart. I bought them beds of their own. Tj knew it was for the best.

When my babies go visit their Dad they are more excited than two cats on a hot tin roof. When I call to check on them Tj complains that Dozer has terrible gas and is embarrassing him in front of his dates or clearing the office (so funny) when he takes him to work. We discuss his diet, nothing different. Then I find out Tj scolds Doz! For something beyond his control? It hits me; he is having granmog separation anxiety! He comes back to Granmog's and within a day, you guessed it, flatulence, gone! Good dog!!

When Doz is at Granmog's he is, Alpha in Charge. He patrols the neighborhood. He is especially protective of Roxee and rules the toys, which rubs Zion wrong in the worst of ways. Zion would rather play than eat.

I think I need grandchildren. Not that I worry about it in the least. It is just that when I go places and there is a dog I stop and talk to the dog, and then to the owner. Do you know how much time you can spend talking to someone about their dog's personality! I know I'm crazy but this is nuts!!

When I was a little girl on the farm I loved dogs. I gave them haircuts (not pretty). I especially loved assisting in delivering Aphro's 13 St. Bernard puppies. I lost touch loving dogs during my 20’s and 30’s. We had a couple of dogs for the boys, but I never bonded with them. That was a time in my life where everything was so fast and my priorities looked much different than they do now.

Today I recognize my need to be nurtured. One way I get this unconditionally is through my dogs. Zion is my ever faithful companion, if she is not right by my side, which is rare, I only have to call, or pat by where I am and she happily comes and contently curls up as close to me as she can. When I had the epiphany that I was missing a dog (while hiking alone in Zion's Canyon), a new calmness came over me. When I brought her home from that trip she was 9 weeks old and fit in the palm of my hand. Unaware of how truly unique and special she was, all 4 inches of her, she has been my soothing balm of Gilead more times than I can count.

Dogs are not the answer for nurturing everyone. There are many ways to be nurtured. If you feel tense, you may not be getting enough nurturing. If you feel anger, you may not be getting enough nurturing. If you feel lonely, you may not be getting enough nurturing. If you feel sad, you may not be getting enough nurturing. Did you get my point???

Nurturing is at the very essence of the sustenance of life. Think of a beautiful new batch of puppies playing with their sibling and then being nurtured by the very bosom of the one who bore them. Is this not unconditional love and nurturing at its finest? Oh we can learn a lot from the innocence of dogs and children…no pretense, no guile, no ego, no worries.

The important thing and my point: get a healthy dose of nurturing daily! Preferably several doses daily! And here is the secret, you have to seek it...dogs do! They have no ego?! Huh?!

People could learn so much from dogs, unabashed unconditional love, and if you want to play they are ready and willing. If not they'll wait, no problem, nothing personal, no guilt (if you feel guilt that's your nature not theirs).

So if you need a hug, go hug a dog. A daily dose is good for the soul.

That's why I have a dog...

Examination.

2010-03-18T16:29:00.023-06:00

I am officially now on Spring break. My mind feels free yet cluttered. My body feels relaxed yet over burdened. My spirit feels content yet thirsty. How absolutely blessed I am to have this opportunity to be expanding my mind in college.

I am reminded, in fact teased, about when I was a little girl that everywhere I went I packed things with me, particularly books, stacks of them. Mom would say, "Lori, you cannot possibly read all of those on our way to town." Of course I knew I couldn't, but I never knew which one was going to strike my interest and so I'd bring all of them. It is still the same when I travel. I travel with a couple of novels, a business book, a spiritual book, several magazines, business reports...it really is pathetic!

So my thoughts after ten weeks of school having been out for twenty five. All things in life lend itself to another.

We spend so much time in this great free country of America trying to control our futures and our destinies, of which I am not saying that we shouldn't. What I am saying is that sometimes our days lack the meaning until what is important is threatened or lost. We go through the motions out of obligation or habit. I ask where is the authenticity in that?
Wherein this comes to mind...
Examination. Our lives deserve examination, regularly.

I got a grade back today on a midterm exam, it was a C. Today a C, is good enough.

Happy Birthday Baby

2010-03-05T10:43:00.009-07:00

My baby turns 20 today! No more teenagers? I’m not sure if I should celebrate or cry.

Tandin, this beautiful child has always been a joy. Actually, I take that back, I can think of times playing golf with him when he was 9 or 10 that was miserable because if he was not playing well, we ALL paid. He has always had high expectations of himself and the pressure he would put on himself, was and always will be, much worse than what we as his parents could ever impart. Maybe this is typical of the youngest in the family?

Tan is in the civil engineering program at the University of Utah and is considering a double major in architecture. It is all highly confusing to me.I look at his homework in complete awe. He is a very intelligence boy and I laugh that I bore this beautiful child. I find it unusual that his sensitive and emotional side is highly developed as well. Traditionally, what we find with the “techy people” is they are less emotionally in tune with themselves and others. Contraire for Tandin, he is the go-to person for advice with friends, and he is very much aware of our family and how it all spins. The nice thing about my Tan is he seems to keep it all in check. He is an excellent observer. We have coined the word “Tandinism”, because even at the tender age of 20, he seems to create rare passages of wisdom that have great depth, meaning and humor all in one. My blog is actually full of Tandinism’s. This boy seems to have this subtle, powerful effect everywhere he goes.

I look forward to the next 20 years of loving this boy, seeing his dreams come true, watching him build his buildings and share more of his subtle insights that so powerfully affect everyone around him…particularly me…Happy birthday baby!

Stop Look, But Most of all Listen!

2010-01-25T19:26:00.008-07:00

I talk a lot. And sometimes I break out in song. Mostly in my own home for if it was in the general public I may be committed... (prematurely)! I can neither rhyme nor hold a tune to save my life, but the dogs, oh how they love it! How do I know? They sing with me. ;)

So life brings on change. Last year at this time I was working on a business with my sister, this year I went back to school. I was just a few credit hours shy of a bachelors degree, however changing my field will require another 3.5 years to get a masters degree.

What a drastic switch, going from me doing most of the talking, leading, and directing in our business to sitting still and listening, trying to soak in every word that is being said.

For 20 years At Phazes I was the big fish in my own sea. Now I'm barely an old goldfish trying to find my way. How lucky I am for this opportunity to be exposed to an outside world filled with so much knowledge.

Exposing oneself to different experiences can and will bring about growth...particularly when an abundance of listening is required.

If we learn abundantly in academia by listening, would it then make sense that our relationships may benefit from more listening as well? Does our desire to be heard, or to prove, or to be right, get in the way of listening, and therefore learning?

What is life really about for you? The activities, the knowledge, or THE PEOPLE? And finally what motivates us to do what we do?

My changes? I took a little time to Stop, Look and Listen to my heart and then made a few changes. I do wish there were more Stop Lights along the road of life to indicate when it's safe to Go, best to Yield... and necessary to Stop.

I'm still listening and learning my life lessons.
Oh, and just so you know, I do have a doctorate degree, from the School of Hard Knocks.

Oh No Not the R Word!

2010-01-05T09:05:00.008-07:00

My recommendation? Don't do it! Tandin says, "Don't set your expectations too high, then you won't be disappointed."

Resolutions. I've done 'em. Oh believe me, I have stacks of planners with goals, New Year’s resolutions, schedules, have to, should's, want to's and could's.

I started my career, and launched my business with Tony Robbins chatter in my brain! You don't know who Tony Robbins is? He went from a homeless guy living out of his car to a millionaire hopelessly in love in less than a year! Ha! What an idol for an idealistic 23 year old business woman on fire!? I was an idiot!!!

A clip of Tony Robbins...if you dare:

Actually I like Tony Robbins, I have just found the softer approach works better for me...

So I write affirmations. Ahhh, you thought I'd given up on this form of self actualizing altogether? NEVER! (Unless I'm depressed, then it all goes to hell) Anyway an affirmation is a positive statement written to you about yourself as if it is already true.

Example: I always eat healthy and delicious food to keep my body and brain working in tip top condition!
(This is NOT exactly how one of my affirmations would read; it would be even a LITTLE too far-fetched for my cookie loving sub conscious mind to believe)

So the whole idea in life is learning how to set yourself up to win…If resolutions and goals work for you, GO FOR IT.

Otherwise you may want to try the softer side and not use the "R" word!

2009 Finale-Part II

2009-12-31T17:56:00.013-07:00

Flower & a Movie. Oh I know it's supposed to be dinner and a movie but I'm not picking food to finalize my year!

The movie: Dr. Zhivago.
Every year during the holidays I watch this classic. I love the history, the scenery, and the message of the most awful gut wrenching acceptance of the dreadful things that life and war deals to people. War not only effects people during the present but goes on for generations.

There are so many different types of wars we battle.

I noticed that Lara's character always had flowers wherever she was. First in the battle zone where they treated hundreds that were wounded, then in her very modest apartment.

Which brings me to--

The Flower: A Sunflower.

My final pick for this year is the Sunflower, for its message of Hope and Sunshine as a New Year begins.

Here's to 2010...may the Wildflowers grow all around you, and in your heart.

With love, L~

2009 Finale-Part I

2009-12-30T17:21:00.009-07:00

Last year to culminate the year I picked a color, a wildflower and a weed in honor or my blog title, Shades of Grey or a Kaleidoscope, wherein I always had a color, wildflower or weed in the title.

This year I simplified.

I do have some fav's to complete this year...they have special meaning and story lines to conclude 2009.

The book: Radical Acceptance. This is not a novel. This is a book to read sections of, ponder, and let it be. You have to be at a certain place in your life for this book; you must be ready for this one. I purchased it long ago, picked it up, started to read it and thought, "what a stupid book". Just a couple of months ago I picked it up, started reading it and well, it "spoke to me". Enough said.

The song: The STORY So Far by Flogging Molly

You always had what you wanted
So leave it behind
And if the glass isn't broken
Then the futures not blind
All that you know means nothing to you
But its the loss of control shatters the truth

That's the story so far
It's already here
We've made it this far
Sure we battled the spears
But life cuts to pieces
To the wounds from the secrets
Makes it all who you are

Love craves self destruction
It's a blizzard in hand
Lay your cards on the table
But you're not in command
So burn with the fire
You so eagerly lit
Watch the flames flicker higher
Said I don't care about me

Here's the story so far
It's already here
We've made it this far
Sure we battled the spears
But life cuts to pieces
To the wounds from the secrets
Makes it all who you are

Oh it's bitter the pill
That you swallow to feel
I don't care what I lost
I just thank god I'm alive

Makes it all who you are

That's the story so far

to be continued...

My story Vs. Your story

2009-12-29T19:27:00.015-07:00

So we all have a story to tell.

What if we were both at the same event, but when asked about the event, you saw things very differently than I saw things. That does not make either of us right or wrong, bad or good. People just interpret, or receive things differently. I suppose this is why we need a court of law and several witnesses to get to "the truth."

Relationships can be similar in a way. We have our story in our minds as to how the relationship “is” or “should be." Whether it is a friendship, love relationship, parent-child, work associate, we have created this image, but it is OUR image, not theirs.

Interesting concept isn't it!?

I was asked the I-beam question 26 years ago while in college...I've never forgotten it.

"If you had to risk your life to cross an I-beam 1,000 feet in the air, what would be worth crossing for?"

It certainly was not worth the risk for money or things, but for people I loved that were in trouble there wasn't a second thought.

So relationships are worth risking for...but how often do we get the other persons side? How often do we even know if they are in trouble?

If we want to have better relationships maybe we need to know both sides of the story....

Or maybe we put all the stories aside and listen to our hearts and get to know theirs.

THIS HERE --------------->
Looks like a hack job to me.