Today I turn 46. It is a good day. I wouldn't want to go back to 16, I was pregnant. At 26 I was pregnant again and going full tilt running a business and being a wife and mother. At 36 I was using opiates to deal with my physical back pain and obviously to numb my emotional pain as well.
Bless those years of struggle and trials...they made me who I am. Today I am well. I am neither high nor low. I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically in the middle.
I like the idea of moderation in all things. Years ago at the age of 24, I was pregnant with my second boy, my girlfriends and I gathered in Washington for a 'Big Chill' weekend. Some of the husbands had come along and amongst unusual activities the profound events from that trip was a long talk that lasted until way into the night. First the reminiscing of old high school times, then the hopes and dreams of our futures, and then the philosophizing. It all came down to after hours of hashing things back and forth was this one statement: moderation in all things.We had it all figured out at 24! HA!!
I loved this statement. I reflected on it many times. I have been blessed with the best of friends. Friends that have stood by me through dark times, times where I was rather ridiculous and stupid, times when I was loud and obnoxious, times when I did not return phone calls for months, and for some reason they loved me in spite of me.
Family is always family...friends do have a choice!
Moderation in all things...how ironic that this would turn out to be my life's challenge. At 24 I could have never known that the one that I was pregnant with on that 'Big Chill' weekend was the oneI left in the bathtub at 8 months old. He nearly drown because I took a business phone call. He survived and I pledged to get more balance in my life. I certainly did NOT and I fought it and fought it. The ups and downs, the thinking I was UNSTOPPABLE to WORTHLESS all sometimes within a month period. My moods could change quickly. This is how bi-polar works.
Today I am grateful to know who I am. That I have a disorder. I can manage it and be happy and I am blessed beyond because I am aware that a life of moderation is a wonderful thing.
