Living Life through the CRAP

I know just how you feel.

Sometimes only my dog gets it.

I have had the distinct pleasure, or the awful curse (depends on how you look at it) to spend a lot of hours in bed…more than the average bear (or dog). I’m a SOCIAL creature, yet as circumstances would have it, either my brain or my body just does not always cooperated to my liking. I have been criticized/judged for this at times, yet my doctor was wise when he said “who would CHOOSE to stay in bed?” There are some who think that depression is "all in your head?" Uh, Exactly. Your brain chemistry is off, and it makes your feel like crap, just like when your pancreas is off and you're a diabetic, you feel like crap. Huh, that's weird?

I certainly would never choose to stay in bed, I loathe it, it’s a painful place to be…I have places to go, people to see, life to experience. But if your body revolts and your brain is foggy, well, as I have said before…”you try it, and walk a mile..........”

During the past year I have felt very little depression, but I have felt a good share of exhaustion. Exhaustion to the point my muscles hurt and my energy is zapped (no i don't have fibromyalgia). Life expects a lot sometimes and I’m not so good at monitoring or quiting when I’m just tired. I pay a high price for my excessiveness, but my thoughts, my extra feel good chemicals when I am 'ewe manic' drive me on. My aspirations and expectations about life are high. It’s not about the high life. I gave up caring about “things” when my ego was busted years back. Sure I love nice things, but being nice and caring about other people is what makes life worth living and drives me.

I have responsibilities. It happens by the time we are approaching 50, there's a lot of STUFF. But life happens one day at a time, one moment at a time…and keeping perspective of those days and those moments…even when a tear is shed and then there is laughter that follows—life is happening. And it is all in the journey and the journey is really beautiful, for it is the simple things that count…

Meet Lucy Lu

Soooo…here is a little thing...meet my new grandog, Lucy! Our new little Red Boston, is laying in her Daddy’s arms (yes, Disneyland Dog DAD now has THREE). Seriously Three!  It looks as if Roxee and Lucy will do just fine together.

It's safe out here! Come on girls.

And where is Dozer?  If I have three guesses, he’s either out patrolling the neighborhood, thinking he's got to protect his brood, or hiding under the bed because he got in trouble. He gets gas and Disneyland Dad doesn't like it...or he taking he nap witt he love dog BOBO. Yep, he loving he BOBO! Ahhh. Love my puppies...almost as much as my kids.


I changed my kids diapers and I'm not above helping to potty training Lucy Lu, in fact I stepped right in her CRAP just yesterday. Sometimes life just stinks. And we cry and then we laugh, but we must choose to live.

From Headaches, to Homework to CanCer? Part I

It seems my mind can race to hell and back in a matter of a 24-hour period with ruminating thoughts and piercing pain behind the sockets of my eyeballs that once again bring me back to…WOAH…glad that one’s OVER!!!!

This week, well, was filled with…deficits in the checking account(S), payroll due, homework, catching up on homework, presentations in two classes…and, my granddog pooped in the house, the big Dog, DOZER! Not finished yet…a little on the manic side for I am not sleeping…and oh did I mention my dad went in to the doctor to “have his throat stretched.” He was having trouble swallowing, came out with a cancer diagnosis, it got worse as the week went on and it looks as though it is in his lymph nodes.

So here is the deal, we all deal with a whole lot of STUFF in this life. Headaches, bills, homework and cancer, it varies from uncomfortable, to downright over the edge, on the brink, to, I’ve had it! But you Don’t, you Can’t, and you Won’t, and if you Do, then You become the Victim; and the unpleasant things of life Beat you, instead of You Beating Them!

So what do we do with the unpleasant things of life, or the downright tragedies when they hit? Hey, I’m no doctor…and I don’t think “they” have all the answers either. In all honesty, most of my answers or peace has come in the quiet constraints after a long battle, (usually with myself, isn’t that our biggest ones) comes when I petition God…and then I LISTEN. Now this listening is REALLY strange, no get this, REALLY weird, because all of a sudden very quietly I hear this conversation in my head that is so Loving and Logical, with absolutely NO JUDGMENT. No matter how awful I think I am, or others are, this voice is so accepting and loving. And all of it, as if it is a puzzle seems to fit together, and I get a glimpse of everything and I settle. My spirit settles…and I trust. I stop fearing. And I know that no matter what, things are as they should be, and life was meant to live happily.

It’s our choice to figure out how in between the headaches, the bills, the homework and the cancer, we choose and we learn how to be content and happy. All of life is lived in a -- dash --

-- to be continued --

You. Matter.

As I slumbered my husband rolled over and saw that my hands were raised above me, one hand holding up the other. He sweetly said to me, “you can put your hands down now” as he gently pushed my hands down toward the bed. I giggled, turned over, giggled again at myself and returned to my peaceful state…

I’m not exactly sure what I was thinking or dreaming about. I do raise my hand when I am in class for I enjoy being in on the discussions. I want my voice to be heard.

Each of us has a Voice. Each of us Matter. Sometimes, and maybe even oftentimes we feel unheard. After awhile of feeling we do not matter many emotions may set in…anger, resentment, indifference. If you have fallen victim to any of these emotions, the first step to recovery is to recognize this feeling. Own it; validate where it comes from and then move past it. Sometimes we become indifferent or even silenced because someone or something has squelched our voice that has beaten our spirit.



Life is about choice. We make good ones, we make bad ones, but we live Now. The choices we have made are in the past. How we react to them is in the Now. We can become victims to Life… or we can raise our hands, stand up for ourselves and Matter. You. Matter.

Bee's and Secret's

My good Doc recommended the book "The Secret Life of Bee's" a few years ago and I enjoyed it very much. Recently I watched the movie and I enjoyed it also. There is a particular line from the movie which caught me and I have shared it with a few people that I love because it was so profound.

It has cause for contemplation...

"Sometimes not Feeling is the only way you can Survive."

I see this often; in fact I have lived this myself. To not feel. To numb ourselves...we do this in so many different ways. Here are a few of the ways I can think of off the top of my head, (I've done most of them) work, sports, computers, drugs, alcohol, and the list goes on. It also comes out in our personalities (done this too), bitterness, being aloof, distant, or playing the victim.

Life deals us many challenges and often times we face tragedies. I had a certain kind of life prior to my brother's death and a different one after. I became a victim of so many things after, and I played the martyr at times as well. What I have personally come to realize is that challenges and tragedies in life are the way in which character is built, and we either get life or we become victims of it. Our ability to reach out to others and to find the lesson that was buried amongst the heartache is where the happiness and true joys in life are found.

There is a period of time that to survive we must be numb for a while. Slowly the numbness or the "not feeling" wears off and we peel away the layers of the heartaches and we become better. We accept what we cannot change. We change those things we can, and we recognize the things we cannot and move forward. We make our choices. We simplify. We uncomplicate our lives and we find the joy again or at least we hope we do. This is Dozer my Grandog after a Bee stung him. He learned quickly. He's never been stung again. I wish I could have learned as quickly.

When we exercise we break down the muscle and then it rebuilds itself only to come back stronger. Life really is no different. We either choose to have things that build us up, such as a good environment, positive behaviors and the most important is uplifting people around us to support us in our lives. These are all choices we have.

It takes backbone to lead the lives we want. Dr. Phil says, "You cannot change what you don't acknowledge." For me life has always been about improvement, making things better, and getting ahead. I still feel the same, however my perspective has shifted a great deal over the last year as I have stopped to take a great big inventory of my life. I tossed a lot of things I did not need or were not good for me (this was hard). I counted the most important things, I counted the things I valued and I now try to allocated my time in those areas. I'm enjoying my journey more, rather than the destination being my primary focus. This is a definite switch for me.

By no means have I got it all figured out, but have you ever tried to figure out how Bee's do what they do?

I'm amazed to know the importance of such a little creatures effect on my life. Sometimes you do not have to figure it all out. Sometimes the secrets lie deep in your heart and you follow your instincts for they generally do not lead you astray. This life was meant to be balanced. If the Bee's can balance then we can too. With a little luck (and a whole lotta love) we can work it out.