Dogs

                                      Why does watching a dog be a dog fill one with happiness

-Jonathan Safran Foer

I had a dog, one of those dogs that will never be replaced. Maybe you've had one of those too? This is a three part post to share some of my journey through depression, mania, addiction and a long journey where i have found peace with living in the present. My special Zion would have been 18 today.

Over the past 18 years i have loved 7 dogs...none like i loved Zion.

Zion was a Boston Terrier runt. Full grown 11 lbs. She is named after Zion's canyon in St. George, Utah. It was there that i decided i needed a dog. I brought her home the day before Thanksgiving in 2003. I was 43 years old and about to experience the longest bout of depression i had ever experienced in my life. I felt the depression coming on so i fled to Zion's canyon hoping to get a reprieve from the pressures of running a salon and day spa and raising a family. I also knew my brain chemistry was off. When i returned, the deep darkness sank in and i spent the better time of the next several months, until June of that year in bed. During that time it was a triumph if i did a little housework, showered and brushed my teeth. I don't recall if the preceding months had been filled with mania, but as the pattern was, what goes up, must come down. That's how the chemistry in the brain works if you have bipolar depression.

When Zion was a puppy she was so little she fit in the palm of my hand. When she ate her little back feet would come off the ground because her head was big compared to her body. All those months she would, lay beside me, just loving me unconditionally. I would play with her frequently, and she became very proficient in playing catch.. I would rival any Golden Retriever or Labrador that Zion loves balls more than any good fetching dog. She learned how to play an incredible game of soccer; literally dribbling it through the yard and "nose bumping" it if you threw it at her.

Zion's biggest ball ever

Zion slept with me every night. She would ball up next to my stomach and sleep there contently all night. I've never been a good sleeper, insomnia and i know each other well. The years with Zion always by my side are now missed during those long hours between two and five a.m. when i cannot sleep.

I've been told that if you live in the past you will be depressed, and if you live in the future you will be anxious. That makes sense, but i didn't learn that lesson or master living in the present until the last couple of years.

When i would look back and remember certain periods of my life, i could not remember any of them without knowing that the ever present feeling of depression and uneasiness lived within me. As i reflect on those higher flying days of mania when i would be in the middle of remodeling one of the salon's or building the 6,000 ft square building, called the Phazes Building. My energy and creativity was boundless and i felt i could conquer the world. A lot of great things came to be during my phases of mania, but the black dog always eventually won, Zion was there through all of it.

After i split up with my husband of 27 years, anxiety about the future was ever present. Had i known what the following eight years i had ahead of me i'm sure i would have never agreed to a divorce. Five months following splitting from Kelly i went to Las Vegas with TJ and some of his friends. I also took a good friend from high school who was going through an ugly divorce. He offered me a drink. I hesitated and told him of my tendency towards addiction. for I had had a three year stint with opioids in my late thirties.

I didn't drink much the first night, but the second night we both got pretty drunk, and at the time it made me forget all my troubles. When i agreed to divorce i thought it was the best thing for both of us. I had become indifferent to him and he was unhappy as well. The kids were raised. I had just finished my fifth consecutive quarter at the University of Utah, my Dad, who owned the Phazes Building had stage 4 cancer and i had to make some changes. I could have never imagined how changed my life would be with two decisions, to get divorced and to take a drink.

I did not return to school that Fall. I was giving it all and i had to rebuild the salon during the recession. Two years later i lost the salon in a turn of events that gave all the power to my father and stepmom. I moved in with Tandin, my son, and started back to the "U.." Two months later i would meet Kevin.

After moving in with Tandin i started hiding my liquor, and how much i drank. The first clue i had a real problem was when i stated hiding a pint of Vodka in my closet.

To be continued...

Vodka

                          A DOG is the only thing on earth that loves you more than she loves herself

                                      -Josh Billings  

continued from Dogs...

When i think of the day i got Zion, during my longest period of a depressive episode, and the day i put her to sleep, it was two of the most dark days i had ever endured. I held on to Zion way longer than i had a right. She had been blind for two years. I had reduced her dignity to carrying her everywhere the last six months. I knew she could see shadows because she still pushed the ball around with her nose, but constantly bumped into things. I battled the decision for a couple of months, i knew it was time when i put a ball in front of her and she just stood there.

The last trip Zion and I had at Zion's canyon

I fixed her a huge dish of scrambled eggs with tons of cheese one hour before i took her in to be euthanized. I don't believe i had ever felt such heavy feet as i carried her into the vet. They put her to sleep in my arms. I left and went to work that day. The next three days i stayed home and chugged vodka. When i would wake up i would chug some more until i passed out again.

Addiction and mental illness go hand in hand, and they both exacerbate each other. I knew this, it didn't stop me from drinking. All i wanted was to numb myself from the pain of thinking about my past and worrying about the future.

I met Kevin in the Fall of 2013. We both felt a chemistry we had never experienced before on our first date. He mostly talked about his adventures of traveling the world surfing. I mostly listened, talking about your ex and your previous family life seemed to have little interest to a confirmed bachelor of 57. He was a successful Realtor; me, a failed business woman who drank too much. I did have 3 incredible, successful boys i had raised and was close to. I was a student at the "U" again and barely making it through my classes. The trauma of losing my business and moving away from everything familiar was weighing heavily on me. I was without a job, without insurance, less than $100 in my bank account and an old jalopy of a vehicle. 

I had dated plenty the previous two years. I had met some really fine men, along with plenty of "one and done" dates. None had ever swept me off my feet, until i met Kevin.

I moved in with Kevin shortly after meeting him and we had a wonderful year of trips and concerts, belly laughs, along with a good share of fights. I was reeling with feeling i belonged no where and drinking secretlly. I felt that i lived in his world, while secretly i was trying to drown out the pain of my past. Kevin worked so much and he allowed me time to do what i wanted, which was mostly drink and not think of all i lost and what my future was going to be. Zion was the one familiar thing in my life and she comforted me. I knew she loved me, even if i didn't love myself.

to be continued...

A Puppy and a Kitten

                                          Dogs do speak, but only to those who know how to listen

                                                            - Orhan Pamuk

Continued from "Vodka"... The seven dogs in my life have each taught me something different. I don't have a dog now. That will come shortly when Kevin and i semi retire and have time to raise a puppy.

When i get a dog this time, i will be a different person. Sure, my inate personality is still there, but i live more like dogs live...in the present.

I moved in with Kevin again after living seperate for 5 years. There was a comfort and a settling that happened after i moved in and the stability of a home and someone who loved me unconditionally was by my side.

Our lives became very routine. Hybernating because of covid that Spring gave me time to cacoon and start being present with myslef and even though the world seemed to be crumbling, i was getting stronger. I was sober and the dealership that i had now become a small invested owner in was growing and prospering. TJ, the leader and founder, my son and the visionary to TJ Chapman Auto had finally got over the hump. We had worked so hard, six, sometimes seven days a week, answering sales calls, trying to get our books straight, weathering the storms of employee drama and estblishing a nationwide reputation for selling rebuilt titles cars across the country.

Covid brought in an influx of internet buyers who found us, loved our concept, cars and our prices. We started shipping more and more vehciles all over the United States. The daily grind of getting up and working nine to sometimes twelve hours a day was paying off, and all of a sudden i realized...i am living in the present. I went home to Kevin each night. Saw grandkids on the weekends and found a couple of good TV series that both Kevin and i watched frequently. We watched more news than is good for any sane person and got caught up in the politics, racial unrest in the country, and the status of covid deaths. THe world outside wasn't so good, but my life was. My life had gotten really simple, content and when i thought of the years behind me it was just a story in my past. The future felt secure.I had no more financial worries, i had a happy healthy family with three prospering boys along with their wives and 4 grandsons.

Kevin and i are looking forward to cutting back in our careers soon and living life to the fullest. He wants to go back to traveling the world and i want to be with him and experience it with the love of my life.

Kevin & i with Gibson before his euthanization

We also will be getting a cat and a dog. A fluffy kitty that will sit in his office like his 21 year old cat, Gibson did in years past... and we will be getting a Boston Terrier. If you suffer from a mental illness and/or addiction and with anxiety, know that while the journey is hard, you can learn to live now and live happily.

                                 Dogs are our link to paradise

                                       - Milan Kundera

Lessons from a Dog Part III

This should be entitled "Lessons from All My Dogs," and i've had a few..all unique, all special.

Gizmo came to our home because TJ my oldest son, as a 7th grader, desperately wanted a dog. Gizmo was a 4 year old Pug that had just delivered a batch of pups. When she walked into the house with her teets nearly dragging on the ground and worn out from nursing i thought to myself, "what have we got ourselves into?" But her flat nose pug face grew on us and her nipples finally shrunk. My 3 boys loved her and we eventually bred her again and she gave birth to 6 of the cutest puppies you could ever imagine. Gizmo got old and she died in my arms on the way to the vet. I had unknowingly ran over her while she camped her fat self in our drive way. There were no back up cameras back then. Lesson 1: Pay attention to your surroundings. Your actions impact others.

Next came Zion. My Savior Dog. She was all of 4 inches when i brought her home from my "self-discovery trip at 40 years old" to Zion's Canyon. Zion lived 14 years. She played soccer like no other. She could navigate a ball better than any professional soccer player. She even played when she was blind in her last couple of years with us. Lesson #2: Don't let a disability get in the way of having fun. In truth, if we look in the mirror, we all are disabled and have hardship in one way or another.


Roxee and Doxer came next, only a few short months after Zion. Dozer the snaggle toothed Bulldog and Roxee, a crazed runt Boston that spent a lot of time hiding in the closet, simply because when we got her she was near death from an infection in her tail (she had surgery and in time she was a happy healthy dog). She was irritable because she was in pain a lot of the time. That changed in time when her Bulldog brother Dozer, followed her everywhere protecting her from her uncontrollable self. She would jump out of the car window and Dozer would go round her up; scold Roxee and then take her potty in the back yard. They were a pair. They wrestled uncontollably at times with Dozers entire mouth covering her face. They loved each other and they died together in TJ's house fire. Lesson #3:
Get over your pain any way you can and find a trusted partner that looks over you, even if you do dumb things.

Pac healed our hearts from the loss of Dozer and Roxee. His beautiful face and prestine body still turns peoples heads to this day. Pac is now 7 years old and still is a one-man-dog, Tandin is the only one he obeys. No one can control him but Tandin (youngest son of mine). When he visits me he runs furiously, only to say, "my dad, is the only one i respect, the rest of you can go to hell." Lesson #3: You earn loyalty by serving undonditionally, even when it's hard.

Ducati cleaning Cayennes ears

Ducati and Cayenne came shortly after Pac to fill the loss of Dozer and Roxee. TJ (my oldest son) buys in bulk, Having two dogs helped entertain each other and accommodate TJ's busy lifestyle. After losing Dozer and Roxee, Ducati and Cayenne filled that void for TJ. Two more dogs that were paired liked no other. Ducati liked to fight, then she'd lick Cayenne's ears clean.. Lesson #4: Fight like you mean it, then kiss and make up!

For a short 3 weeks we had Winslow. Kevin and i bought this little Aussie-doodle antincipating that Zion was getting near the end and i needed to let her go. Unfortunately on a mid day at the office, Winslow invaded Ducati's eating territory and perished under his large jaws. Lessons learned...dogs are not people, they inately protect their territory, but do not know their boundaries and sometimes things don't turn out so well. Winslow died in my arms as well. Lesson #5: Watch your back, your friends sometimes turn on you, and you will be surprised that is often the ones closest to you.

Winslow

The last night i slept with Zion

One of the hardest things i have ever had to do in my life was to take my most precious companion that had loved me unconditionally and served me for 14 years was on January 17, 2018. I knew it was Zions time to have rest. She died in my arms also, of my choosing, which was best for her...not for me. I had hung on to her too long. She had been blind for 2 years and i carried her most everywhere the last 6 months of her life. This dog had been through more life and strife with me than any other living thing on this earth, and oh how i hated to let her go! Lesson #6: Hold on to those you love, you never know when they are going to be gone.

Five days later i got Daisy, or better known as "Crazy Daisy." She comforts me, and she makes me crazy, she is not an easy dog like Zion was, but i love her all the same. She's funny and has personality plus! Lesson #7: Crazy is ok. It makes life more interesting.

My Crazy Daisy

Each dog and each relationship that comes into our lives teaches us different life lessons. I have heard many times that once someone loses their most beloved pet that they cannot bare to lose another and they chose not to get another dog. That was not the case for me. Daisy does not take the place of Zion, no other dog will EVER replace my Zion. Daisy is just another part of the story of the lessons from a Dog. Lesson #8: If you pay attention every day brings some lesson that can either make your life better or worse. You choose.

Lesson from a Dog Part II

On January 17, 2018 i euthanized Zion, my most beloved Boston Terrier that had been by my side for 14 years. She had been through more life with me than any human could have endured with the ups and downs of my crazy life. Only a dog could have been so loyal and patient with me. She was my best friend and confidante.

Dogs are unconditionally loving, and those of us who have them in their lives are blessed! I still miss Zion every day, for what she taught me was priceless. I miss her skinny body curling up by my tummy at night. And i know that life changes and life goes on!

My last pic with Zion. January 17, 2018

Three months later I now have Daisy. Crazy Daisy! I got her 4 days after i let Zion have her peace in heaven. Crazy Daisy has brought me so much joy.. she is a challenge, for she is a puppy. It has been a lot of lost sleep, hundreds of dollars, (laptop cords, phone charger cords, earbuds, you name it, she chews it). She has pooped and peed in my house and at work, thank goodness, it is rarely anymore. Yay progress! We are enrolled in puppy school. I am a committed dog owner, and i love my dogs. Those who have puppies and say that they were house broken in 5 days, never chewed anything and their dogs don't bark? I call bullshit.

It's funny because as dog owners we kinda like to stick to the breeds we love. When Zion was declining i was determined to find another runt Boston. When i wised up, i knew that was a self defeating-no-win situation. I now love Daisy! She is totally different than Zion. Zion was as low maintenance as they come. Daisy's nickname is "StinkenStein" for she needs a bath 2 times a week. She needs to go to the groomer, i never spent a penny on Zion at the groomer. Daisy is a YorkiPoo. She is adorable when she is groomed, and she does look like she is a homeless beggar when she goes 7 days without a bath..and i'm a little busy these days, so that happens! Perspective people, she is a dog.

"StinkenStein" before her blow dry

Daisy AKA "StinkenStein" after her blow dry

I posted 10 life lessons you can learn from your dog when Zion died. As life goes we have many lessons to learn.

http://wildflowersandweeds.blogspot.com/2018/02/lessons-from-dog.html when Zion died.

Tonight i only have 3 lessons from a (my) dog:

1. Don't underestimate the enthusiasm, innocence and strength of youth, they are our future. Puppies, millennial's, they all get a bad rap. I love them. The rules still remain the same; those who are willing to work hard and pay the price, rise to the top and are frankly delightful, and it takes working together to create that!

2. Be who you are and tell the truth. Dogs have a strong sense about things, and i believe i do as well..I found out in puppy class that dogs can smell 15 miles away and can hear 3 miles away! WOW, i wish i had that much instinct. We humans distort the truth and twist things around; we also justify our bad behavior, it's just the way it is. Dogs are always, just dogs.

3. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. I've been a business owner or boss for most of my life. It's not a popular job. The rule is, those who leave their employment will put blame on the boss or the company, and take no responsibility themselves, that is human nature. Personal accountability is a hard thing. Daisy bites me all the time, she's young, she's learning, and with good training, lots of love and consistency, she will grow out of it and realize that i am the one who takes care of her and loves everything about her, even when she is a challenge, because that is what unconditional love is.

Zion was as feisty as they come and her teeth were razor sharp, but in time they dulled and she learned her manners. In my eyes Zion was the perfect dog. I miss her every day. Daisy and i are learning together. She doesn't replace Zion. I have plenty of love for her too, that's the way love is.

This was in 2008, when both Zion and i were young!

And i love my Crazy Daisy!

A priceless moment when Daisy is quiet and has exhausted herself!

Lessons from a Dog

I'm writing about Lessons from a Dog. Not just any ordinary dog! My dog Zion. On Wednesday January 17 at 9:30 a.m. i walked numbly into the animal hospital with my best friend and companion that had been with me through so much life. Fourteen years of it. I am a totally different woman today and Zion was there for the entire journey.

This was no ordinary dog. Her namesake came from a "soul searching" trip at 40 years old when i had to get away from my life and start figuring out what was wrong with me and why was i not happy? It was on that trip that i returned home with Zion, all 4 inches of her. She was the runt.

We went to Zion's Canyon in May 2017. I knew it would probably be the last time i would take her there.

At 40 I had everything life seemed to offer, wonderful children, good-looking husband, successful business, beautiful home, nice cars, and lots of friends. I took my kids to church every Sunday and i had an abundance of family around me. So why was i not happy? I started this blog a few years after getting Zion which chronicles my life lessons and the events that took place to get authentic with myself. Zion was my one constant sidekick. She brought me joy. She comforted me. She made me laugh and she played, boy did she know how to play, that girl could play soccer like nobody's business!

In time everything changes. I knew it was time to let Zion go, frankly i had held on to her too long. It had been such a hard decision to make. She hadn't been in any pain, but at 14, stone cold blind, disoriented most of the time and me dragging her everywhere i went, well, i guess, she was tiring of life. The last few days she was barking (which she rarely did). and then putting a soccer ball in front of her and her ignoring it, that was my cue, she was ready to go home...and oh how i wanted to keep her!

It's interesting to think about all the things that a dog teaches you... as for me, here are the wonderful things that Zion, this beautiful creature taught me:

1.  Accept life as it IS.

2. Play hard. (Maybe you should get yourself a pink ball?)

3. Trust your instincts. I can guarantee you they're probably right.

4. Cuddle at night with someone you trust. It will make your life longer, and the life that you live more satisfying.

I will miss this. We did this every night. What a blessing she was!

5. Talk and sing to your Dog. They listen.

6. Don't worry about what other people think and about what you look like. Zion was skinny and a short-hair. She had numerous coats, winters were hard on her. This last winter, i bought her a pantsuit. When i walked into work with her in that pantsuit, TJ said, "is that dog wearing pants? followed up with a comment to my assistant, "would you put your dog in some shit like that?!" We've laughed about that numerous times!

This was the last coat i bought her just before Christmas for our trip to Arizona. I knew her time was drawing near. I did not know how close. I will cherish that time with her forever!

7. Be vulnerable. Dare to be dependent. Zion depended on me to care for her and in turn she served me more than i served her. It formed Trust. Not neediness. Trust. We humans could learn something from this.

8. Choose to be happy. When you think about it, and process through life's experiences you have 2 choices. You can choose to accept things as they are and be happy, or fight against what is, and be miserable. Zion was always happy, and she had a pretty pampered life, but i was the lucky one to have her!

9. Love unconditionally. No matter how many mistakes i made, Zion was the one constant in my life for 14 years, who loved me unconditionally. She was there, without question, every time. No matter what. Unconditionally.

10. Get another Dog! There will NEVER be another ZION. No not ever. And my heart has room to love another. This little white ball of fur is my angel. I named her Daisy. Daisies make me happy, they are my favorite flower.

Daisy is adjusting quite nicely to her new office home.

This post is dedicated to all those dog lovers who have loved one and lost one. Life goes on. They will never be forgotten, for they marked their spot in more ways than one!

Zion was loved by many. My heart still aches for the bond i had with her. R.I.P. baby girl.

This picture was taken by my Mom when she would watch her and obviously spoil her!

Being the Mom of Boys

Today I reflect on motherhood. I AM THE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL, AUTHENTIC, COMPASSIONATE, SMART, NON-JUDGMENTAL, LOVING BOYS! Out of all the things I have done and experienced in my life.. none compare to what I see and have felt with my boys; therefore, I can be peaceful and happy.

My baby Tandin turns 25 today. I am proud of him, and I am equally proud of T.J. and Chase. These, now men, no longer babies, have risen to exceptional heights, with no credit to me. Each one has strengths and weaknesses. They are human, they fall down, they make mistakes, and what’s most important is they get up, they show up and they love unconditionally. Each one of my boys is exceptionally smart and successful in their careers, but it is not what they do that makes them, it is who they are deep down, and they are gems.

We are all dog lovers, if you’re a dog lover you get it, there is nothing comparable to the unconditional love of a devoted dog. We have 4 dogs in our family, Ducati, Cayenne, Pac and Zion; three bulldogs and my devoted and faithful Boston, Zion. We still miss our Dozer and Roxee, a Bulldog and Boston lost in T.J.s house fire in 2011, they were a pair, united in life and death.

This post is ultimately about motherhood. I have been blessed beyond to have these 3 boys that are loving, compassionate, understanding, beautiful inside and out, despite what has been passed down from their Momma. Whatever I have done in life, my greatest satisfaction, pride and heart comes from giving birth to these 3 great men. Yes, they are now men..and Chase and Lauren will be making me a Grandma this coming July. Life is sweet when you are blessed with boys!

No Place Like Home

Yesterday was my birthday. 50Th! My weekend was filled with joy... 

 

my boys and the doggies,

 my family,

 

my friends.

 

Saturday, bright and early my son Chase, proposed--professed his unwavering devotion to Lauren.

 The love, heartache, relief, hope and honor displayed was truthful,

 and intimate (even though Tandin (brother) filming, and Steve (balloon friend pilot) was navigating.

 I huffed and puffed as I filmed their landing, running through fields, Zion in tow...

 ...and it seemed like something out of the Wizard of Oz as my babies landed...

only to share in the good news that, there is NO place like home (our hearts).

Zion was picked up and returned safely and coincidentally, (NOT), by This father and son. 

They spotted Zion running through the fields and thought it was their Boston, Roxee! 

Yes their other dog's name...Dozer. 

We shared stories of our dynamic duos, and I walked away with gladness in my heart knowing that 

the two yeawhoo's were with us in every way, 

YES, they were there, sharing what they were so much a part of 

when Chase returned home 5 years ago.

Tj's house fire, May 2011

This pic does evoke emotion for me, these times were hard, none of us could understand why life seemed to be tumbling down around all of us in every way, 

Roxee, Me and Dozer when they were pups

...yet more understanding comes each day, and I accept and know that things are exactly as they should be. I am grateful and blessed beyond.

Our lives unfold like stories and we live in them, and learn from them, and live now, in the present, digesting it all and rejoice in all of it, the heartache, the love, the pain and the pleasure, for without it...where would the meaning be??

As for me? I am ready,

ready to put my boots up

and see where Red Shoes, committed love, and living right in the midst of 

"no place like Home," takes me!

I have a daughter, she came to me years ago and I asked her to please write to my son Chase while he was on his mission. Our entire family needed this perfect young lady in our lives. 

She has a beautiful authentic mother, my friend April that has given Lauren qualities of innocence, beauty and a love for others unconditionally that we all share.

Me, Lauren, April and so sweet, so perfect Catherine!

 

 

 

What a day...what a life...there is no place like home!

 

The Life of Pac

I didn't realize it until going back through grandoggie pictures...Pac has been 

an exhibitionist since he was a pup! Seriously!!

Is it because his Dad held him like this from the time he was a little 25 pounder?

 

To now when he is a whopping 75 LBS?

 He goes from, "Hey look at me flex these BUNS!" to...

"I'm too sexy for this couch."

"Too sexy for this bed."

"Too sexy to be a dog, oh ya ya."

What makes some species so free and comfortable with who they are, where they are, and what they are? And what makes them so innately in tune with unabashed love? 

Is it nature? Is it nurture? Or is it both? 

What ever Pac has, where ever he got it, i know one thing...he's happy and he's got the life!