Winter's Stage of Life

It has been months since I have been able to write. I rely on inspiration and rawness when I write.....these emotions seem to have been fleeting. Today I will try..try to see if anything that is in my heart and mind, may be of benefit to put on paper and project out to the world, via, a blog.

Today I settle in.. IN to a reality that if given the chance to change, I probably would. Not that it would be the best decision, but I believe, WE all have a tendency to gravitate to the known. My life is not bad right now, actually, far from it, but because of divorce, change in career, new friends, another bed to sleep in, well, it is all very different, different from what I am accustomed to. 

I’m 50something, and for some odd reason, I would like some familiarity surrounding me, i.e., hearing my kids come through the back door, having an employee sit in my office and cry (or bitch), being overwhelmed with more physical and emotional work than I felt I had strength for, but somehow always mustering it up! Now,.. where I am Now, none of this familiarity is possible, and how addicted I have been to the dysfunctional aspect(s) of life. Now, yes, I have NOW simplified my life, I have changed everything that was familiar.

I chose. We each choose. We make choices, every day, and the consequences come, either quickly or slowly, each consequence can be met with awful trepidation and resilience. Over the past 6 years I have posted 16 blogs about “change” and 24 about “acceptance”. It seems logical that I have anticipated these themes to be BIG in my life.

I am in my 50’s now. It is the “NOW WHAT” stage of life.. I raised 3 beautiful boys, and they are in full swing now, instigating successful and happy lives of their own. I personally have lived a remarkable and full life, filled with worldly success and diverse experiences. Yet after contemplation and severe reality checks, I realize that it is now the Winter stage of my life and I am trying to adjust.

My Winter stage of life.. it is quiet, still, simple, beautiful, lonely and confusing. In the Spring of my life I had purpose; my home, family, business and friends needed me. Summer came and I was still in full swing, in heated pursuit of creating worldly success and pushing my offspring to happiness. Then the Fall season came and the harvest seemed robust and colorful, it was also fleeting and filled with hard work, taking care of all that I had worked so hard for.

Then Winter rolled in and it was time for assessment, discovery and stillness.

I love the Winter when the snow falls crisply, cleans the air and makes everything look brisk..... everything is poignant..

..and still. 

But the truth is I also pause... for when the Winter sky turns grey and I yearn for a sliver of sunlight,  I’m not sure what is ahead..but my hope is always for peace, love, acceptance and understanding...I have that, well most of that, 

and I am blessed...I hope that for you too...it is alway, ALWAYS about the Journey.

Pigtails

Yesterday I said to Zion, "the best things in life are free...or a buck ninety-nine." I was referring to my recent purchased of Chips Ahoy cookies that i got at the bargain price of $1.99.

I just want to play soccer Mom.

I like simple things, cookies, pigtails and my Dad. This morning on the drive to the farm to see my Dad I called Mom and wished her a "Happy Father's Day." I thanked her for all the times she had brought out power tools to help me hang or fix things, she's a handy woman. She laughed and asked, "well did you wish your Dad, Happy Mother's Day, on Mother's Day?" I said, "no, but I should have because he put my hair in the best pigtails in grade school!" We had a great laugh because i loved how my Dad's fingers were the right size for nice ringlets; Mom's fingers were too small. Dad's hands are massive and he got pretty good at putting a hair pin in too.

One of our Vegas Trips

Today as I ate breakfast in the same place i grew up in, looking out the same window at the farm, circumstances in our lives have changed; Rondy, Mom #2 sat to my left, Sherry and Dave my brother and sister were not there and I have raised my 3 boys. It was quiet yet peaceful, the cows have been replaced by horses and there is beauty all around because there is still love in that little old home on the farm. Lives change but love is eternal...and life is eternal...all is well.

After storms God sends Rainbows

Wearing Purple a Red Hat and a Rocking Chair

It is 6:30 A.M.! in the morning as I begin this stupid blog...I have been up attending to my business trying to get to that FINAL paper my favorite professor of the semester is allowing me to write in lieu of taking the final. An option I took since exams and I do not seem to get along so well.

I have no business idling my time away "blogging" but as I was updating finances from my computer an email from an OLD friend delighted me...I MUSt sHARE an excerpt...edited by ME!

When I am an old I shall wear Purple with a Red hat which does not go, and does not suit me.

Which is why I shall love it and wear it all the more...

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain, which is ridiculous because my feet are always cold, but I shall do it anyway. And I will pick flowers in other people’s gardens and spit again, just as I did when I was little on the farm.

I will continue to wear terrible shirts and fight to not get fat while I wolf down three pounds of sausage as I camp in my tent, or "vacation home" as I like to call it! 

For now I will continue to hoard colored pens and highlighters and keep things of all kinds in COLORFUL little bags...

For now I must have clothes that have a small amount of bling, and I  must pay our bills and only swear a little bit.

And Oh NO never have friends over for dinner, MUCH too busy for THAT! Read the paper, a good book, Not a CHANCE...

But maybe I ought to practice a little now? So people who know me are not too shocked or surprised, when suddenly I am old and start to wear Purple, (swear a little more) and wear that  Red HAT? And it would only be appropriate that I bedazzle those hats...In honor of my sister, of course.

 What I really look forward to is that "rocking chair" on a porch, any old porch, a quiet one.

Mr. Brown Eyes Old Soul in Manhattan

After spending a week in Manhattan and I'll have to admit missing the dogs...I thought about how fun it would be to have Mr. Dozer with me as I so anxiously perused the streets of New York all week.

When I am home I can just look at this dudes old soul and by intuition know what his simple, gentle mind is thinking. And often times the two of us have great conversations! You would love his deep slow dopey voice. It is rather endearing. I actually have learned quite a bit from him even though he is just a dog and a dumb bulldog at that!

I can just imagine~~~walking down 5th Avenue with Mr. Dozer and he would say, "Hey wud everybudy hurry-n-bout? I HERE!!!"

Why does everyone hurry in New York? And why do you feel you DO NOT MATTER?

Something else Dozer would say, "Gram, peoples wear lotta cool stuff but I not know who THEY are. My spike collar cool but I still Dozer when you take it off."

And another thought..."Gram why you not go sing with that guy!?"

I'm going to leave that one alone. Rhyming, pitch, tone, not necessary just sing their name...a lot. Guaranteed dogs LOVE it and you. No matter what!

Last one. "Why I not see anybudy laughing real loud like you do Gramog?"

Doz the streets are awfully cold this time of year and incidentally we (my sis & i) ended up warming up in the women's bathrooms and sharing a few belly laughs.

...As I entered my stall, hung up my coat and other gear, and got settled on the commode, no sooner did this flash of photos from under the next stall come with a bragging voice saying, "Would you like to see my grand kids?" We busted up in this public bathroom hysterically laughing as I quickly popped to the picture on my iPhone whipped it under on her side and said "Would you like to see my Grandogs?" Which brought on more fits of laughter that may be quite foreign to New Yorkers. Yes, I will absolutely admit it was rather juvenile for us 45 & 50 year old women to be carrying on this way but this would have made my Brown Eyed Old Soul Dozer happy.

Simple things are priceless.

Basic Beige and A Bagel

The color beige is under rated. I also think vanilla ice cream is under rated. Where would we be without vanilla ice cream or the color beige? You need vanilla ice cream to put with apple pie. If you don't have beige to offset black you could never appreciate the contrast. The simple things can make other things so profound.

My husband and I go for a bagel every Friday morning. We have been doing this for a few years now. When the weather is warm we take Zion (our dog) with us. There is a delightful group of ladies there quite often that we enjoy laughing with. These ladies adore my husband, love my dog and I think they like me too. It makes it fun!

I guess the funny thing is I have learned when I wake up on Friday morning, pull on a basic beige t-shirt and go get a bagel...well it's the simple things in life that I look forward to.

Kel orders the same thing each time, the Tasty Turkey, chips and a coke (even if it is 8:00 a.m.). I mix it up a bit. This is my husband, consistent, I have been able to count on him to be by my side not if but when I mix life up a bit! We have been married nearly 24 years. We opened our own business together nearly 21 years ago. And life has been quite a roller coaster ride. I tried to steer the roller coaster until I realized, roller coasters were meant to ride and enjoy the ups and downs.

Kel and I talk a lot now. All the kids are gone and we are enjoying a different stage of life. We have both changed. What was important to us in our 20's has changed now that we are in our 40's. What changes? Perspective in life is BIG! So big that it's the simple things that now mean the most to me. So aside from my Friday morning bagel date here are some more simple things I Love in no particular order: My dogs at the door in the throes of excitement when I come home. A bubble bath. A good book. Singing loud. A phone call, email or text from one of my boys. A cookie. Being in the mountains. A conversation with a friend. A hug. A kiss. A tear. A smile.

Most of these simple things are tender and free, but the bagel will set ya back about $13 bucks!

Golden Moments

I went to church yesterday. Honestly, I didn't listen to many of the words spoken. But the piano solo, oh, the beautiful music...took me to a better place. I thought of people I love walking streets of gold. For just those golden moments I was with them.

While here when I visit them it is just stone and grass. Today is memorial day, when we are to traditionally remember our loved ones who have passed on. I remember them often.

We have golden moments, but that is what life is made of...many moments.