Lesson from a Dog Part II

On January 17, 2018 i euthanized Zion, my most beloved Boston Terrier that had been by my side for 14 years. She had been through more life with me than any human could have endured with the ups and downs of my crazy life. Only a dog could have been so loyal and patient with me. She was my best friend and confidante.

Dogs are unconditionally loving, and those of us who have them in their lives are blessed! I still miss Zion every day, for what she taught me was priceless. I miss her skinny body curling up by my tummy at night. And i know that life changes and life goes on!

My last pic with Zion. January 17, 2018

Three months later I now have Daisy. Crazy Daisy! I got her 4 days after i let Zion have her peace in heaven. Crazy Daisy has brought me so much joy.. she is a challenge, for she is a puppy. It has been a lot of lost sleep, hundreds of dollars, (laptop cords, phone charger cords, earbuds, you name it, she chews it). She has pooped and peed in my house and at work, thank goodness, it is rarely anymore. Yay progress! We are enrolled in puppy school. I am a committed dog owner, and i love my dogs. Those who have puppies and say that they were house broken in 5 days, never chewed anything and their dogs don't bark? I call bullshit.

It's funny because as dog owners we kinda like to stick to the breeds we love. When Zion was declining i was determined to find another runt Boston. When i wised up, i knew that was a self defeating-no-win situation. I now love Daisy! She is totally different than Zion. Zion was as low maintenance as they come. Daisy's nickname is "StinkenStein" for she needs a bath 2 times a week. She needs to go to the groomer, i never spent a penny on Zion at the groomer. Daisy is a YorkiPoo. She is adorable when she is groomed, and she does look like she is a homeless beggar when she goes 7 days without a bath..and i'm a little busy these days, so that happens! Perspective people, she is a dog.

"StinkenStein" before her blow dry

Daisy AKA "StinkenStein" after her blow dry

I posted 10 life lessons you can learn from your dog when Zion died. As life goes we have many lessons to learn.

http://wildflowersandweeds.blogspot.com/2018/02/lessons-from-dog.html when Zion died.

Tonight i only have 3 lessons from a (my) dog:

1. Don't underestimate the enthusiasm, innocence and strength of youth, they are our future. Puppies, millennial's, they all get a bad rap. I love them. The rules still remain the same; those who are willing to work hard and pay the price, rise to the top and are frankly delightful, and it takes working together to create that!

2. Be who you are and tell the truth. Dogs have a strong sense about things, and i believe i do as well..I found out in puppy class that dogs can smell 15 miles away and can hear 3 miles away! WOW, i wish i had that much instinct. We humans distort the truth and twist things around; we also justify our bad behavior, it's just the way it is. Dogs are always, just dogs.

3. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. I've been a business owner or boss for most of my life. It's not a popular job. The rule is, those who leave their employment will put blame on the boss or the company, and take no responsibility themselves, that is human nature. Personal accountability is a hard thing. Daisy bites me all the time, she's young, she's learning, and with good training, lots of love and consistency, she will grow out of it and realize that i am the one who takes care of her and loves everything about her, even when she is a challenge, because that is what unconditional love is.

Zion was as feisty as they come and her teeth were razor sharp, but in time they dulled and she learned her manners. In my eyes Zion was the perfect dog. I miss her every day. Daisy and i are learning together. She doesn't replace Zion. I have plenty of love for her too, that's the way love is.

This was in 2008, when both Zion and i were young!

And i love my Crazy Daisy!

A priceless moment when Daisy is quiet and has exhausted herself!

Enjoy The View

I grew up on a farm. I don't believe until the last two weeks I have ever appreciated or even comprehended the work of a farmer, the iron will of a farmer, the tenacity of a farmer...and the sheer exhaustion that a farmer endures year after year after year.

I suppose some years are better than others for a farmer, not much different than how life is better some years more than others. When true understanding takes place, there is pain that is just part of the road. When that pain seeps into every sinew of our mind, body and soul, well, then it is enlightening. Pain is a teacher. Necessary at times, and also unnecessary at times.

On our farm there was a mile country road from our house straight West to the church. It was a dirt road when I was a little girl, then it was paved, and then every few years they would gravel it. When I was little I loved walking down "the lane" (that's what we called it). My favorite time of year was just before harvest, the corn stalks were so tall on both sides of the lane.  It was a farmer's daughters enchanted forrest, and I loved it! It is hard to estimate how many times my family and I walked up and down that lane, together or separately, the simple walks each time brought a new experience.

A canal ran diagonally thru the lane and although I was told not to play in the canal, we (meaning my friends, cousins and my brother), would do it anyway. What great memories we have of that slimy canal, tubing, water skiing (motorcycle acting as boat), and swimming along with the slow current.

My parents biggest fear would be that one of us kids would fall in the canal and drown. Drowning was always the one death I feared more than all others, but I was a pretty good swimmer and often times my brother was around. I always knew if I got into a tight spot he would save me. I also knew he would get in more trouble for what ever mischief we were causing from my dad, the iron-man farmer.

I am now 50 years old and if I wrote 5 chapters of my life it would go something like this:

Chapter 1: I skipped down the lane. I fell in the canal. It wasn't my fault, I didn't even see it there. I got out.

Chapter 2: I ran down the lane. I saw the canal and fell in it anyway. It wasn't my fault. I got out.

Chapter 3: I raced down the lane, oblivious to the beauties around me. I saw the canal, fell in. It was my fault. I got out. I didn't even realize someone was there to help me.

Chapter 4: I walked down the lane, seeing some of the beauties around me, but I did not appreciate them. I saw the canal; and I went around it. I didn't realize the wisdom of what looking into the canal without falling in would bring me.

Chapter 5: I haven't walked down the lane yet, and in fact, rather than walking down the lane at all I would rather fly high up above, take it all in, that sacred land I grew up on, and just enjoy the view!

Who Owns What?

Honestly so much happens within a few weeks time that just living the very moment becomes a way of life 1) by cognitive choice, 2) by survival, and 3) by default after discipline. And it does produces a peace and contentment even among all the curve balls thrown...whether they be personal, professional, spiritual or family oriented.

I had to absolutely snicker to myself as i walked out of the salon this week after helping a lady who had commented before leaving for an extended trip, "I would have just died if I would have had to go shop for a new blush!" Needless to say...I helped her replace an old color with a new one that was nearly the same color. OH dear ME...I think she is going to survive!!!

Do NOT get me wrong! This is my business, and I am not making light or fun of my wonderful and loyal clientele i have had for 25 years, but in good perspective, and it is all a matter of perspective, we are talking blush here! And I do appreciate the gesture of how much she loves Phazes products and my recommendations; but I suppose the important thing to assimilate here is what one persons crisis is, really, one persons crisis!!

Most things we experience are in the way we view them, i.e., our perspective, our awareness, I suppose one could say in the way we process them. 

I find it so refreshing that at 49 my world is a friendly environment. I own my own life and I live the intentions of my heart. I still have to work at it. Every day. Every night. Like watching someone like Wayne Dyer (above) to slap me up side the head and keep my feet on the ground.

The Raven Offense

Through the years of raising three boys, three sports crazy boys i have watched or listened as it may have been, many many and then many more games of all kinds. Today is one of those days, football on the flat screen, kids kicked back on the couch, and me equipped with lap top...just in case i get bored?

The 49er's are going to the super bowl; the game now playing, the Ravens and Patriots are playing to see who will be their opponents. The national anthem is sung and Chase begins schooling me 'the mom" about the players, the NFL and Ray Lewis, the driving force behind the Ravens success and pride. Chase's hopes that Baltimore wins the super bowl this year. I do too.

I am touched. I watch this mean S.O.B., Ray Lewis show raw tender emotion as the national anthem finishes. And they say tough men shouldn't cry? Whatev! And ya, i know Lewis plays defense, but what better offense than a tough defense!

As i write this blog i have no idea what the outcome of this game will be, what i appreciate is the sheer enthusiasm and passion of the players and the fans. But one sure thing is one side has to lose. That's how it works in sports.

I appreciate, no not just appreciate i honor those who are dedicated to what they love to the point that they will take a beating, face disappointment, face possible humiliation and be pretty certain they will leave the field hurting if they stay in the game to the finish. Those are the winners, win or lose, they can hold their heads high no matter what! They played their heart out, played fair and gave everything they had for the team and can lay their heads down at night clear of conscience and sleep even though they hurt!

I've played a few games too and i played to the finish line. I'm happy about that and sleeping with ice bags or heating pads help the aches and pains guys...give it a try!

Be Not Afraid

I know a few people, and really it's VERY few, that just don't give a damn what other people think.

They live out loud. I like that.

BE NOT AFRAID

The Long Road Home

The long way home

Some pain is in your soul for so long it becomes unknown to you, you hardly know it's there, until it is gone... It's lingering affects have been chemical warfare silently killing you with each breath you take and each thought you make, or you have chose to bury it so long you were unaware it lived inside. My pain has been mostly private and silent, occasionally manifesting itself in a violent or melancholy dream or self destructive behaviors. This was mostly acted out in my 30's. I wonder, am I alone?, there must be others with some stories similar to my own?

I am getting older, hopefully wiser, feeling less entitled and more grateful for the roads I have traveled, no matter the bumps in the road. Life can be hard for many, and probably for most; no one is entitled to a privileged life, although the American dream still holds fast. I have not, or do not ever give up and it is not necessarily the monetary riches that i once sought in my 20's that i seek now, it is peace and contentment of a secure and fun life, filled with time, friends and family.

At this juncture I am no more, actually less inclined, to share my burdens with others, i find peace in the strength of a Higher Power. The pains that have exercised my shoulders to stand up, despite the discomfort, is exactly what gave me the perseverance through life's situational disappointments and tragedies. i hold no bitterness or no one at fault for these disappointments and tragedies, this is life lessons and the journey.

Some days it is hard to get out of bed, the day is filled with daunting tasks that ensure an overload of physical pain that will manifest in my back and neck. The difference today is I can get out of bed, in my world there is nothing worse thus far than not being able to participate in life. There were many days in years gone by I could not. Even getting into the shower was an insurmountable task. 

Each day now brings a new and different challenge, facing challenges alone as i am soon to join the ranks of being single at 48 is scary yet I embrace the new life for it is best for all concerned. My Aging and aching body is at the least annoying, yet proof that mind over matter has immense power. Watching my grown children make some choices i made at their age, yet different for their own reasons and very much each individually their own person, makes me burst with happiness and cry crocodile tears all the same. I allow them to live their journey and rejoice when they allow me to be with them, no matter the weather, sunny, cloudy or torrential rains.

I live today for me. For me, I find purpose in loving others without conditions. Today i am fulfilling my purpose authentically. I have not always felt received by unconditional love. Conditional love is cold, hard and pain at it's finest. I now know I am perfect just as i am...and you are too. I am letting go of the pain. I hope your journey takes your there too. You must push through the pain, face the fear and sometimes be willing to leave the comforts of what you have to get what you want and really need more. What i wanted more was simple. Peace within. I hold no one to blame, i take full accountability for my past and my present. I am reminded...the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I am neither in sane nor was i willing to keep getting the same results. Life has been by no means horrible, as i make changes once again in my life, it is uncomfortable but i know i am growing and facing my fears and moving away from my pain. i follow my heart, my head has talked me out of many things many times, for even though i am free-spirited on one side, i am also pragmatic on the other.

Mental illness, though it can be a wicked debilitating disease it does NOT have to be. Taking medication to balance the neurotransmitters (brain chemistry), awareness of triggers and knowledge of the illness can keep you healthy and as functioning as any other person with any other disease. Mental illness has many different faces and it can be complicated and equally fascinating, there is no other organ on earth as complicated and powerful as the brain. There is absolutely no shame in a mental illness; there is if it is used as an excuse, or you become victimized or you victimize others by bad behavior. Knowledge and accountability is empowerment and  successful living. 

I would not change my experiences or that of my family history. I am deep and rich with emotion and feeling from many generations. I channel it positively and reach out and help others who have had similar experiences. I have yet to meet someone who has not been affected by mental illness, the question is who is comfortable talking about it openly? In absolute clarification, I am.

I have often taken the long road home.

The Answer Always Lies Within

One month from now I will have completed four consecutive semesters at the University of Utah. My life and perspectives, my routines and overall thinking about many things in life have changed, quite dramatically.

I was introduced to Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs 25 years ago when I attended Weber State College and was lucky enough to get more acquainted with several different approaches to understanding myself and others behaviors on this go around at school. 

I suppose at some time or another we evaluate what we want, how we are doing, and if, and CAN we make changes in our lives to improve our lives? All of these questions can be asked and answered depending on where we lie in this pyramid from Abraham Maslow. If your love/belonging needs are not being met your motivations will be much different than if it is esteem you are seeking. It is highly doubtful you will be worrying much over what others think of you when you or your family is starving.

It is proposed that many rarely, if ever reach self-actualization.

The answer to this question only lies within yourself. I am responsible only for myself and you are only responsible for you. However when we reach a point of self-actualization we 

become part of something greater than ourselves and with that life becomes something much more meaningful, something richer beyond the borders of oneself. 

It's a brain twister, but worth the thought...

The MoNsTer in Me!

I have a bazillion things to do--clean the house, shop at the store--for you Mormons now, no bursting into song --"so we can be ready for Sunday."

I wish I felt like singing, the dogs miss my singing, I haven't been singing as much lately. I'm not depressed.........I'm situationally challenged.

I should be working at the salon/boutique, working in my office, doing homework, yada yada. What I should do and what I feel like doing are two completely different things...but as it goes I have my trusty little lap top and my faithful little lap dog, and I surf the day away.

I do my best not to guilt myself, Dad always said, "if I miss this meeting, there will be another." And then that sh** eating grin would appear on his face, his head would bob slightly from shoulder to shoulder in mischievous disdain and you could hear a slight chuckle. Wow do I love reality.  There is always plenty of meetings, housework, homework and shopping, even for a Saint...and excuse me, but I'm not a Saint, I'm a farmers daughter, occasionally I have the mouth to prove it, (sh, I mean oops)!

I have learned that the list of stuff isn't going away, and I'm pretty sure this icky feeling in my chest will. I could do ALL that stuff (or get started,) and ignore this icky feeling, but "feeling" it is part of "healing."

I am reading, or rather re-reading, a book I read years ago. I have referred to many chapters on several occasions over the past 5 years. I love books where at the beginning of chapters are thoughts or poems that pertain to the book that make you think or give some type of insight. Here is the thought at the beginning of Chapter 9 from "Enchanted Love" by Marianne Williamson, entitled "Removing the Ghosts"

"There are monsters in my past, my darling.

So what? I have a few in mine. But I am not the monster.

I am not the monster, and the monster is not me."

When I was a little girl I was terrified of monsters! So much so that my dad had to carry me in his arms and show me every closet and look under every bed. Together we would walk through our basement, opening the "darkroom" door was the scariest! This was surely the place the "monsters" would be waiting. But my dad was bigger and stronger than any of them! I could have never trusted, I could have never slept had we not done this ritual every night. I cannot remember what frightened me so much, nor how long it continued, but eventually I did learn to trust.

I look back and see that, yes, the monster was in me...the monster is always in us. Can we accept that, can we actually see that...and move past it? Face my fears? I can now. Sometimes I just need a day (or two,) on, off, in or out of "reality."  Doesn't really matter to me which preposition you use. I suppose it's all about how You look at it.

What do YOU give?

I took two mid-term exams today. Neither exams were about the environment or Green Peace, which is a non-government organization that evolved out of a peace movement and anti-nuclear protests. But the subject matter that was on the exams brought this phrase to mind, "You get what you give" of which, I agree and I disagree. May I explain?

Economically: We do not get what we give, equitably...women (all races/ethnicity combined still earn 80.2% of what men earn, and only 68.9% if you are an African American woman (IWPR.org 2009). It is a myth that poor people are lazy and the wealthy are ambitious. In America your socio-economic class is more connected to your background, the family you were born into.

Politically: as a nation we seem to hear more left and right wing rhetoric than we actually see in steps forward to solving the important issues that require compromise and egos to be put aside. Americans become apathetic to issues and voting when their representatives are bought by big business and special interests.

Socially: the status and prestige that is present in the so to speak "caste system" in America divides us into social classes from the poor to the excessively rich. When 95% of the wealth in this country is owned by 2.8% of the population, this very tight group of people can and do have profound effects on peoples lives. I am disappointed in the disproportion between two professions like teachers and professional athletes. Teachers have little prestige (and wages comparatively) in the ranks of our social classes. America elevates (and pays) professional athletes more to entertain our children than to educate them.

Physically: you get what you give. Exercise, eat right, generally works in your favor. Enough said.

Mentally/Emotionally: what you think about you bring about, thoughts create behaviors. By acknowledging and owning your own behavior and not others you will generally be more mentally and emotionally healthy. When you are mentally and emotionally healthy you have positive energy and you are a positive force to be around...you get what you give. Acknowledging your mental/emotional well-being to fluctuate and be ok with that is powerful, it is ok NOT to operate at 100%, one hundred percent of the time.

Relationships: this is one area where you get what you give...but are the motives of the two the same? Two people equal balance... which equals proportionate effort, however if one persons intentions are romantic and the others is friendship the relationship will be out of balance, you will not get what you give. Not all relationships have to be about getting, sometimes just giving is enough to fill your cup. However if you are always taking, your cup will never filleth...

tHe dYsFunCtioNaL FaMilY CHriStMaS stOrY

Last night we had our annual Christmas party at my mom's house. My mom's adorable small little house is always decked out as only she can do with her festive decorations. We grownups anticipate her cooking like the little kids anticipate Santa.

Growing up, Christmas was a big thing. Tons of presents under the tree and we would get up during the night to open them because dad would often have to milk the cows at 5:00 a.m. and we did not want to wait until he got finished. When my kids were little it was a bit more reasonable, the hour landed between 6:00-8:00 a.m.. It would have been later, but I couldn't stand it any longer! I always had to get the kids up! Unbelievable how these 3 little boys could sleep when they knew Santa had come!!

Christmas changes when the kids have all grown, and there are no grandchildren. Yes, I have the dogs, but somehow they just haven't gotten the whole idea quite yet, other than Dozer stealing one particular stuffed animal reindeer off of the tree that he insists is his!










So to prove craziness runs in my family here is one of the highlights of Christmas for our dYsFunCtioNal FaMilY. The Christmas Story, knocked off from "Twas the Night Before Christmas" and it is authored by my sister, Sherry and her satirical son Ryan. Believe me Ryan has no mercy and holds no bounds! Sherry keeps the reigns on him...and they fight a bit, and we laugh, laugh A LOT, while the writing is going on!!



The story this year was six pages. There is a lot of roasting in the family to dish out, it is all in fun. Sherry and Ryan spend HOURS, and this is their gift to the family. Wow, HOURS of love and laughter about our families silly quirks. If you didn't love someone, you wouldn't spend time caring what they did!

Sometimes it may seem judgmental, believe me, if there is any judgment it is out of complete love. We know things about each other, sometimes more than other families, maybe that's good, maybe that's bad, whatever it is, it just is. Every family has certain dynamics. I love each and every person in my family for who they are, their strengths and weakness. My idiosyncrasies get aired plenty and I know everyone loves me through all of them. Have they judged me? Sure. But in the end, they love me in spite of me. If they don't I have realized that's on them not me.

We have learned to laugh at ourselves through all our foibles, mistakes, illnesses, and tragedies. There are some sacred cows and we try to be sensitive to those. Yes we have hit some sensitive nerves before. I say "we" and I have not ever written anything, however I had been consulted on some things to say yay or nay to whether they go in or out. I'm usually pretty liberal because, believe me I've taken it in the shorts, between the eyes and everywhere else too!

In the end the story goes that we love and we love hard. Yes we ARE the definition of a dYsFunCtioNal FaMilY, but tell me who is NOt? I find that those who are most judgmental towards others are towards themselves as well. This takes acute awareness, a GOOD STRONG LOOK IN THE MIRROR, for all we can ever change is ourselves.

I say look at yourself first and always, not other families and not people in your own family! What do you own? How do you function in your family? Do you contribute? How do you contribute? Are you a peacemaker? Do you take time, spend time? Do you love unconditionally? Are you fault finding? What can you do better towards your family? Because in THE END all there really is, is FAMILY...to be continued...

The Color Code Conversation

Our family has been long time fans of "Color Coding." If you've never heard of this, it is basically a tool to learn a little more about yourself, your relationships, and your life. Pretty basic stuff. HA! You'd think!

Some people call it personality profiling. That sounds a bit negative, but it is really quite fun, interesting and insightful.

There are many types of books and tests available that you can take to see what "color" you are. The whole idea is to get to know your strengths, and of course your weaknesses. My boys have had some fun with this over the years and we have done an over abundance of labeling with our little "RED" category. These are the personalities that are motivated by POWER. Their motto is: lead, follow or get out of the way, just make sure I'm leading. We have a lot of Red's in our immediate and extended family. Enough said. :) and sometimes :(

Needless to say, one "Color" is certainly not better than another. Are we all not striving to maximize our strengths and minimize our weaknesses? Is it not of value to take inventory at times and look at ourselves in the mirror, or in this respect, shall I say in a book, and learn a bit about our propensity to act in a certain manner? How gaining insights about the ease or the complexity of the relationships in our lives? and how to improve them!!

The Color Code by, Taylor Hartman Ph.D. is a simple read. This book has 45 multiple choice questions and wala! you have your primary and secondary COLOR! It makes for great conversation, banter (if you like that kind of thing), debate, and a little mirror staring you back in the face. Keep in mind you MUST be completely honest and forthright about yourself and your natural innate tendencies when you take the test!

Peachy

Do you have any resentments? I am working through some long time resentments; resentments that I've had that have been placated or buried for so long I hardly knew they existed, or if i did I was frightened to let them be known. As they come to the surface, at times, my heart literally feels as if it is going to burst in two. I then try to go to a safe place, become very still from within, accept all that is, have faith in a better tomorrow, and let things BE.

This is a discipline I have learned the last few years. Sometimes I am better at it than others. This means of healing and self nurturing is something I value very much.

There are a couple of favorite books I keep handy and will ponder certain quotes from--these two I particularly like...

Know your limits, not so that you can honor them, but so that you can SMASH them to pieces and reach for magnificence. Cherie Carter-Scott

There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Life may not always be PEACHY, but think of ALL the great things you can make with peaches!

White Lines of L.A.

I am riding in my car watching the white lines zip by anxious to be home, maybe 10 hours from now. I also am thinking about the last two weeks of being on the road...

L.A. has a personality of its own. There is not the electric feel in downtown L.A. like Manhattan where we were in January earlier this year.

We have been carefully assessing and reviewing many lines of handbags, belts, jewelry, clothing etc., for our new Internet business. But the lines on the freeways or what fashion lines to carry are not what is foremost on my mind.

My sister has had the opportunity to travel and meet a wide variety of people. She is always gracious and poised in all situations. I have traveled very little and kept to a close knit circle of friends. We are both naturally outgoing and try to be loving and accepting of everyone.

With that being said I find myself at this time in my life having to make the lines very clear as to what I will and will not do. As for me, I am a people pleaser and if I haven't drawn the line clearly beforehand, it can be erased rather quickly. That has proved to be a detriment.

I find I am an adapter. I am also a grey person and it is time for me to draw the white lines.

Caged Brown Eyes

Wanna pway wif me?

This past week my grandog Dozer was hauled off by the dog catcher! He was doing the afternoon patrol and a lady from the neighborhood to the North apparently does not know how completely innocent, harmless and actually what a watch dog Dozer has become in our close neighborhood. I understand that if he is running full blast towards you at 65 pounds, spike collar and the mean under bite look and all... it may throw you off a bit! He just gets excited because he wants to greet you and say, "Hey, I'm Dozer, wanna play?" This is him getting a drink and playing with our neighbor's granddaughter, real mean huh?

Dozer is very tender. When he was a puppy and he would get into mischief we would have to scold him. He would take these scoldings rather hard and hide under the bed...until one day he found he was too large for hiding under the bed. It seems as he grew, his really naughty things tempered, such as: chewing the sides of the wood on our staircase, dragging in tree branches (branches, not limbs, branches), knocking down kids (any size big or small) and stealing their toys (only stuffed animals, he thinks they belong to him) out of their hands and putting them in my office. This past week he did steal 3 small pumpkins, he did his own trick or treating and took a bag of chocolate (with the old you have been spooked now spook 3 of your neighbors thing)off of the neighbors porch, he dropped that in the kitchen for me.

Bulldogs are supposedly the 3rd dumbest dog?! I HATE to have to campaign for bull dogs after all these elections and such buuutttt....How many dogs ring a bell when they need or want to go outside? How about growling (specific tone) at 5 a.m. when he wants to be taken outside and then join us on the bed. If we don't shut the door tight Dozer will paw the door open and take Roxee out and back inside the house for us when she needs to go potty or if he just wants to romp with her. He is the most delightful smartest dumb dog you have ever seen. And talk about a bull dog that can JUMP, he learned that from the girls (2 Boston dogs Zion and Roxee).

When I find out that Dozer is in a cage, I jump in my car and immediately head to rescue him at the animal shelter. I am coming up to a stop light and thinking, "That looks like animal services right there!" Sure enough, I pull up behind and there in the back of the white truck in a cage are Dozer's frightened big brown eyes looking out the back at me! I start waving at him and talking in my dozer voice to not worry because "gramma is coming to get you".

Did any of you ever see any movies where the mentally ill were put in cages? I did. I was talking to Dr. D. a few weeks ago and we were discussing his internship where he would walk in and see at least 100 women laying on cots in a large room (I won't tell you the rest of the conversation). This was 25+ years ago and even though it was a room, when I think of it, it feels like a cage to me. What he did explain is the miracle of how anti-depressants have reduced the amount of people in these facilities remarkably.

How many of you have thought that anti-depressants are not necessary, over used, depression is all in someones head, these "people" just need to pull up their boot straps and get over it. If you have thought this way I challenge your thinking and just maybe you have not been touched by it personally?

I do not blog for the hell of it, I blog to challenge your thinking! I find myself judging all the time, first myself and then others. It's ridiculous and self destructive behavior for me and for human kind.

Twenty percent of the population has a mental illness, don't duck your head in the sand. And guess what? they are out walking the streets, working with you and functioning. Some of them are living on the streets because they did not get the help they needed and they are homeless, some are drug addicts and crack heads. While others are serving time in prison. Hey I am the last one who wants to yell VICTIM. Just ask yourself where you are at. That's it. All we can ever be is accountable for ourselves. If you need help get it. If someone else does give it. Just think about it.

How DO you get rid of Crabgrass???

I was raised in the country. It seems many people had problems with crabgrass. Was there an answer? Not really, you tried to kill it off and start over. It is the dreaded plague ewe....

When I first read An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison I was convinced I was not manic depressive. Maybe more so I was scared speechless that I never could conceive I could have such a devastating illness such as THAT! I went to my first psychiatrist and convinced her of all the reasons that I could not possibly be bi-polar. She concurred. Nearly 3 years later, a nine month period in bed, a couple of high producing manic episodes and a statement in my counselors office that came out of my mouth such as, "I have been kicking butt and taking names and I just crashed", was the final realization, 'Lor, you have a problem!'

I picked up the book again after that and reread it. It was not so scary this time. My life had been scary those past few years. My mind had been quite violent. You get that way when your chemicals are out of balance. What I have come to realize and fully embrace is that it is not my fault. I am not embarrassed about it and I am not one bit ashamed to talk about it. I pity those who are and I am saddened by those who stick their heads in the sand and pretend that it does not exist. It exists all around them! Most families are just to prideful to admit it.

I take full accountability for myself and my actions. Particularly the part of taking my medication, seeing my doctors, and keeping myself knowledgeable about the illness and other mental illnesses as well. We fear what we do not know. I now understand how my brain works and there are chemicals that don't stay balanced without the help of the med's. I realize it is no different than a pancreas that does not make enough insulin to regulate blood sugar. However our brains are complicated and we need to do much more research to understand them more fully. Unfortunately those with mental illnesses stay quiet and suffer alone because of the stigma or the possible repercussions in the work place, not to mention the entire can of worms it opens with insurance.

My son Chase read Unquiet Mind just last week. This is a small portion of the letter he wrote to me following his reading the book...

...I see the similarity of the obvious things such as no sleep and accomplishing super human things when you are manic and then when you are depressed you feel hopeless and sad and wish you were dead. But interestingly I found that each of you, even though at times you wish you were dead, you never regretted being born. You made the separation. I also found it interesting that she knew life was something good and that there were things to be happy about and that the world wasn't all bad. I feel that you feel the same way. The last thing i noticed is that when both you and she are manic you get so many things going that when you drop and lose all energy and strength you are left with so much to do that you've started but can't get it finished so it places stress on you...I want to tell you how much more I've come to love you and appreciate you after reading these books. I love you and you are my hero. I can't say more about who my Mom is and that I'm Her son. Mom I love you and you are special. I thank you for your love towards me and the mother you've been. I couldn't imagine having somebody different for my mother.

My three sons have been amazingly loving and respectful towards me. My husband has been long suffering and patient. They have all suffered along with me. We now enjoy a quite normal life because we do understand this illness.

How do you get rid of this illness? You don't! You manage it! It can be managed just fine in many cases and you can enjoy the green grass...or you can pretend there is nothing wrong,blame it on everybody else, swing from high to low, make your family miserable and just be an all out crab. You choose.