The Long Road Home

The long way home

Some pain is in your soul for so long it becomes unknown to you, you hardly know it's there, until it is gone... It's lingering affects have been chemical warfare silently killing you with each breath you take and each thought you make, or you have chose to bury it so long you were unaware it lived inside. My pain has been mostly private and silent, occasionally manifesting itself in a violent or melancholy dream or self destructive behaviors. This was mostly acted out in my 30's. I wonder, am I alone?, there must be others with some stories similar to my own?

I am getting older, hopefully wiser, feeling less entitled and more grateful for the roads I have traveled, no matter the bumps in the road. Life can be hard for many, and probably for most; no one is entitled to a privileged life, although the American dream still holds fast. I have not, or do not ever give up and it is not necessarily the monetary riches that i once sought in my 20's that i seek now, it is peace and contentment of a secure and fun life, filled with time, friends and family.

At this juncture I am no more, actually less inclined, to share my burdens with others, i find peace in the strength of a Higher Power. The pains that have exercised my shoulders to stand up, despite the discomfort, is exactly what gave me the perseverance through life's situational disappointments and tragedies. i hold no bitterness or no one at fault for these disappointments and tragedies, this is life lessons and the journey.

Some days it is hard to get out of bed, the day is filled with daunting tasks that ensure an overload of physical pain that will manifest in my back and neck. The difference today is I can get out of bed, in my world there is nothing worse thus far than not being able to participate in life. There were many days in years gone by I could not. Even getting into the shower was an insurmountable task. 

Each day now brings a new and different challenge, facing challenges alone as i am soon to join the ranks of being single at 48 is scary yet I embrace the new life for it is best for all concerned. My Aging and aching body is at the least annoying, yet proof that mind over matter has immense power. Watching my grown children make some choices i made at their age, yet different for their own reasons and very much each individually their own person, makes me burst with happiness and cry crocodile tears all the same. I allow them to live their journey and rejoice when they allow me to be with them, no matter the weather, sunny, cloudy or torrential rains.

I live today for me. For me, I find purpose in loving others without conditions. Today i am fulfilling my purpose authentically. I have not always felt received by unconditional love. Conditional love is cold, hard and pain at it's finest. I now know I am perfect just as i am...and you are too. I am letting go of the pain. I hope your journey takes your there too. You must push through the pain, face the fear and sometimes be willing to leave the comforts of what you have to get what you want and really need more. What i wanted more was simple. Peace within. I hold no one to blame, i take full accountability for my past and my present. I am reminded...the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I am neither in sane nor was i willing to keep getting the same results. Life has been by no means horrible, as i make changes once again in my life, it is uncomfortable but i know i am growing and facing my fears and moving away from my pain. i follow my heart, my head has talked me out of many things many times, for even though i am free-spirited on one side, i am also pragmatic on the other.

Mental illness, though it can be a wicked debilitating disease it does NOT have to be. Taking medication to balance the neurotransmitters (brain chemistry), awareness of triggers and knowledge of the illness can keep you healthy and as functioning as any other person with any other disease. Mental illness has many different faces and it can be complicated and equally fascinating, there is no other organ on earth as complicated and powerful as the brain. There is absolutely no shame in a mental illness; there is if it is used as an excuse, or you become victimized or you victimize others by bad behavior. Knowledge and accountability is empowerment and  successful living. 

I would not change my experiences or that of my family history. I am deep and rich with emotion and feeling from many generations. I channel it positively and reach out and help others who have had similar experiences. I have yet to meet someone who has not been affected by mental illness, the question is who is comfortable talking about it openly? In absolute clarification, I am.

I have often taken the long road home.

Routines and CHOCOATE!!!

Routine? C'mon! Discipline? When your nature is free-spirited and your genetics give you the highs and lows...diagnosed by the experts as..."BiPolar?" Not a chance! But somehow, someway, in the heat of the fright of life, the responsibilities, the help of good sleep (thank you temazapam) and healthy chocolate, YES, I have found healthy chocolate. I have routine. For once!

My Mom had a mini stroke earlier this year, my sister has Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) which is a pattern of frequent, constant worry and anxiety over many different activities and events. And when Dad was diagnosed with Cancer last November, well I guess a sense of mortality and fright began to overtake me, not for myself but for those I love so much. Death is such a strange experience and so far my overall familiarity with it has not been that pleasurable. 


I have found routine and discipline to be my friend. It keeps my mind from wandering and over-reacting. Ultimately I know, and have always known what we have is Here and Now, and when I live right NOW to its fullest I am fine, in fact I am fulfilled. 

So I will get to my studies, so I can get to my workout then off to work. I have already had chocolate!!!

Growing Forsynthia and Children Naturally

Forsythia are an extremely fast growing bush, up to one to two feet per year. The decision to prune or leave natural, is a matter of personal taste. It's also a function of where you've planted the bush. If grown in the yard singly or in small groups, they look stunning left to grow naturally. If grown as a hedgerow, or along foundations, pruning often is a requirement to maintain a neat and manageable appearance.

Forsythia are among the earliest of spring bloomers. You can force blooms indoors in winter. It will brighten up any room in the greyest and snowiest of winter days. Seems like a lot of information about a wildflower you may not be interested in unless you are a gardener or flower MANIAc...but I like metaphors.

My son is coming home from Florida today. Yellow is the theme for the weekend. It is happy and I am happy. I am also nervous because he embarks on a new phase of life and in a sense, so do I. Each time your child changes so do you as a parent. I have anticipated this day. I feel ill prepared, but I know that it is upon us and meant to be as it is.

Chase is 21 years old and has character and depth beyond most 21 year olds because of things he and our family has struggled with. We as a family are grateful for challenges we face. Chase has the ability to relate with people and extend his compassion for he has felt the depths of despair and humility himself. This is how life works...it comes full circle.

Chase is returning home 7 months before he had originally planned because unfortunately I have passed down some of this awful thing called a mood disorder. He has fought while in Florida and done so with immense honor and sheer gut. It is necessary now to redetermine a different medication for him. He was not on any medication when he left for Florida back in September of 2006.

His return comes with excitement for me and our entire family. It also comes with some trepidation for things that he will have to face. I suppose I could put him in a hedgerow, prune him often, and keep his appearance "neat and manageable". I choose not to do this for this child looks stunning left to grow...naturally. Just exactly the way he is!

A whiter shade of pale

It is a dreary day. Sleep was unpleasant last night. Dreams were elusive.

I keep thinking this grey fog in my brain is lifting. Then I try to have a conversation with an employee and I cannot finish a sentence without brain freeze. I try to open a spread sheet of numbers and I go absolutely stupid. It's maddening! I stay away from any hard core work a little longer. I do mindless activities, read, sleep, and write. I also over think.

Here is something I "over thought" yesterday...My 93 year old grandpa is in the hospital. First time in his life! I went to see him the last couple of days. Grandma is 91. They are amazing. I grew up on a farm with them. They were always around, they were just two people you counted on. When people get old you have a tendency to ignore or forget them. I am no different. I have however gotten to know my grandpa more. I am grateful for this piece of the puzzle that I have put together in my life. For one, I have gotten to know a very sweet and funny man. I was always rather intimidated by him growing up, he was always so serious. Two, he lost his father at the age of eight. It was a bizarre "accident" of which more has come out about as the years go by. It was painful to Grandpa. I am sure this is where I have inherited my mood disorder.

How do we let go? Loss I am familiar with. It does not get easier, you hope you just get more poised with it.

Sometimes although my eyes were open, they might just have well been closed. There is no reason, and the truth is plain to see. When we turn a whiter shade of pale.