Facing Fears

When i was a little girl i was absolutely frightened of the Boogie Man! Before going to bed my Dad would carry me through the entire house and i would watch him look under every bed, in every closet and the "dark room." The dark room was especially scary. Eventually the assurance from my parents that i was safe helped me to overcome my fear.

Up until 5 years ago I had hardly ever slept alone. I purposely selected an apartment on the 3rd floor when i became single because i was still frightened of being alone at night. Eventually i got over that too.

What are your biggest fears? Failure? Being alone? Not being loved? Losing all your material possessions? Losing your health? Losing your sight? I've had all these fears at one time or another.

The first time i looked into Zion's cloudy eyes I panicked. And i cried. I have watched Zion's eyes get progressively worse, i watch her bump into things, try as she might jump on our bed, and if i don't stay within hearing distance of her in unfamiliar places she gets disoriented. I have wondered if she is frightened? This is Zion as we left work last week (yes she goes to work with me everyday)!

Zion will be 13 on September 12th. She is actually as spunky as ever in familiar places. I have spent more consistent hours with her than anyone in my life and it is hard to imagine living life without her.  I know that day will come..and i will mourn..and i will get another dog. She will never be replaced, but i will share the unconditional love and companionship she taught me with another special dog.

And so as Zion faces fear, i too face the fear of being without her. She has brought me joy, peace, comfort, companionship and unconditional love.

But life goes on. And while Zion's steps are unsure and winding down..Collin's my first grandchild's is just winding up. His first steps were wobbly and unsure, he faces his fear, falls down, and then gets right back up. The circle of life is consistently moving. Facing fear is part of living.

You can hear Collin's fear and then his Dad, my Chase, tell him, "good job." Yes, the circle of life.

Live in the Moment

Nearly one year ago my first grandchild was born. A memory forever etched in my mind was of my daughter-in-law Lauren sitting up in her hospital bed, turning on playlists for delivery. After the relaxing, spiritual music didn't seem to accelerate the progress of Collin's arrival she took measures further and played her "motivational labor and delivery playlist." The playlist started out with the song by Salt N Pepa, "PUSH IT, PUSH IT REAL GOOD." Play a few bars and then imagine a very pregnant (41weeks) beautiful young lady after 17 hours of hard labor (4 more hours to go) getting her groove on. 

Now one of the things that draws me to another human being is humor. For some reason Collin's mannerisms and behaviors make me smile, even laugh out loud regularly in delight. Collin has a little tuft of hair that sticks up..and it has just become one of those things that makes him, well him. 

This is Collin's parents kind of humor, scary but there is some resemblance!

Collin is a happy baby, he requires a lot of stimulus

 and seems to be moving constantly when his eyes are open.

 ...and there are those times when things just don't go his way and his emotions are in full display..

Now what I absolutely love and only wish that 

everyone could share

 is this wide range of emotion and passion for life.

And so I ask--what happens to us? and when does it happen? It seems as though around the age of 7 or 8 self-awareness kicks in and human beings start comparing themselves with others, coveting what others have, stressing about the future or regretting what happened yesterday; and the innocence and simplicity of life as we know it becomes more complicated.

Unconditional Love and Acceptance

How beautiful would life be if we could unconditionally love, and live in this moment soaking in every bit of living for what it's worth, and see eye to eye with complete acceptance of one another..ahhhhh, yes and what would our world look like then?

Being the Mom of Boys

Today I reflect on motherhood. I AM THE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL, AUTHENTIC, COMPASSIONATE, SMART, NON-JUDGMENTAL, LOVING BOYS! Out of all the things I have done and experienced in my life.. none compare to what I see and have felt with my boys; therefore, I can be peaceful and happy.

My baby Tandin turns 25 today. I am proud of him, and I am equally proud of T.J. and Chase. These, now men, no longer babies, have risen to exceptional heights, with no credit to me. Each one has strengths and weaknesses. They are human, they fall down, they make mistakes, and what’s most important is they get up, they show up and they love unconditionally. Each one of my boys is exceptionally smart and successful in their careers, but it is not what they do that makes them, it is who they are deep down, and they are gems.

We are all dog lovers, if you’re a dog lover you get it, there is nothing comparable to the unconditional love of a devoted dog. We have 4 dogs in our family, Ducati, Cayenne, Pac and Zion; three bulldogs and my devoted and faithful Boston, Zion. We still miss our Dozer and Roxee, a Bulldog and Boston lost in T.J.s house fire in 2011, they were a pair, united in life and death.

This post is ultimately about motherhood. I have been blessed beyond to have these 3 boys that are loving, compassionate, understanding, beautiful inside and out, despite what has been passed down from their Momma. Whatever I have done in life, my greatest satisfaction, pride and heart comes from giving birth to these 3 great men. Yes, they are now men..and Chase and Lauren will be making me a Grandma this coming July. Life is sweet when you are blessed with boys!

Home and my Heart

Home. What defines home to you? And why is it so important? Is it the actual place? The memories, the people, the smells, the food, the history? It's all of those things and more...and it can change...and it can be in the past. It is in the past in a matter of minutes, whether we can allow it to be or not is our choice.

I try not to live in the past. It's a discipline. I try also not to live in the future. It's a discipline. Life changes and we make home where our heart is...where love is. Love, true authentic love that is easily exchanged. No conditions. No expectations, it's a journey getting there. Life is a journey and i have learned many many lessons on the way...and i am still learning them.

i posted this blog Long Way Home four months ago. Since that time i have moved to another home and i love it... Moving? Hate it. Enough said.

 This is the home where i grew up:

Not much has changed in the front yard, other than the trees have gotten bigger.

A lot has changed in the back yard. The dairy farm is gone. Allen Horseplay stables now are home for 40-50 horses. 

This is the home where all 3 of my boys grew into beautiful men:

Many girls came knocking at that front door for my 3 beautiful kind-hearted boys.

Soccer, volleyball, football, snowmen, and lots of dog chasing went on in this backyard.

T.J. my brave-loving-"make it happen" protector of the brood.





















                                                                 
Chase, my affectionate-loyal-loving-passionate mediator.








And Tandin, my calm-tender-hearted, stubborn intellectual. 

i love these boys with every fiber of my being. i would take a bullet for them without a seconds thought. They now establish their own homes and i follow them. It is as it should be. The proximity of my home does not matter, relatively speaking i have not moved much in my life, however it seems i have always taken the long road home. It is as it should be.

No Rainbows without Storms

A few years ago i started a series of letters to my son Chase entitled "life lessons." I thought the subject matter was important, so i passed it on to my two other boys. While searching in a book store a year later, after some dear friends lost their 15 year old daughter in a skiing accident, I peculiarly came upon a book called, "Life Lessons." I purchased it and it has been one of my favorite reads, rereads and give-a-way books. The messages in it are poignant and life altering.

I began blogging while Chase was serving an LDS mission so he could read more life lessons and I had a way of expression and reaching out to those who may have gone through similar journeys, i.e. life lessons. I have been open, honest, candid and raw. Writing has been enjoyable for me, particularly when my dogs end up being part of my posts, they make me laugh, they have brought simple joy and healing. I have tried to share what may be of use to others, and keep some level of privacy.

Chase holding PAC, he loves his pic taken (PAC does).

When I begin writing a post I have no particular end in mind, some event or personal experience will cause me to think beyond the surface, learn something or I find meaning in it. All things are not monumental, yet with greater examination there are many miracles that happen day in and day out. As I get older I give gratitude for harsh life lessons. My harsh lessons have increased my awareness, accountability,  responsibility, compassion, perseverance and my appreciation for the simple things life has to offer. I feel less entitled this year than ever before. I cannot remember ever having worked more or harder at staying financially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy. I have learned to trust God and let my fears rest with Him.

 

(never, ever will i lose my humor, it is forbidden)

Today I am most grateful and completely indebted to God for carrying me when I was to weak to walk or even crawl alone.  I have been afforded mental health during situational stresses of great proportion. My boys have been sustained and learned the importance of respect, hard work and that being exactly who they are is completely perfect, despite what social pressures may be put upon them in our world. We choose to be happy and we also choose to own up to our mistakes and responsibilities with integrity. This is a lesson I wish for all.

Some events and some people may come like tornadoes into our lives, we know not where they come from, they whip through, cause destruction, and leave with the aftermath of clean up and healing. Other events and people are like rainbows, the beautiful color is always there, it just takes time for the storm to clear, the sun to come out... and you must be looking for the rainbow. Once the colors of the rainbow start to heal your soul and you have felt its purity, its truth will never die. Living in full color rather than grey or black, is a place I personally had to go to; it was then I was able to see and experience my rainbow and the journey ahead looks beautiful. My rainbow was never very far away, the storm was just long, but my rainbow is beautiful and I would never have recognized the rainbow had it not been for the storm.

My Dad caught a picture of this double rainbow on our farm where i grew up. Priceless.

Timing and preparing your life to receive love is everything. Rainbows are funny that way and I love every single color about them!

A Degree of Change

I have enjoyed my commute to and from the University of Utah the past year and a half. Whether I would blast my tunes, catch up with business phone calls or chat with a friend, the time was enjoyable and well spent.

Today as I left campus a swell of emotion hit my chest, no tears spilled over for I have learned how to control emotion rather well these last few months. I believe today was my last day attending class as a student at the "U."

Life changes and we accept the changes and challenges before us. I am enrolled for Fall semester but will be withdrawing and applying at my old Alma Mater, Weber State. I never officially received my bachelors there, I was only a few credit hours shy of a business degree. Now I have my general ed's under my belt and I am nearly ready to officially start into the Social Work program. It's a lot of education with no degree so far, and I don't regret an ounce of it.

When life requires you to make changes and you reflect back on what meant the most on the journey, it is always the people. I had two Professors that made a profound impact on me. Oddly enough they were in political science, my minor. I have two regrets leaving the "U." One is that I will not be taking another class from Dr. Holland or Dr. Garrott. They are incredible teachers and wonderful people, and I am grateful I had the opportunity to sit in class and learn from the best.

BAT CHASERMAN?

The other regret is that I will not be taking Social Work classes with my son Chase. Yet we know that we raise our children to be their own Person. I have no doubt Chase is just that indeed. He is very much IN charge of his own life...I love this child of mine! He will be a fine therapist one day. (Please take off the mask however, it will frighten the children).

I May Be Wrong, but I Doubt It!

Does rigidity, defensiveness or a closed mind hinder your relationships? Does it get in the way of your personal growth? I wonder about this. I have said this often about my family, “We would rather be RIGHT, than HAPPY!” Does this exist in You... or your family?

Dozer knows Chase is full of "Bull" sometimes!

Dr. Phil asked one of his guests on his show. “Do you want to be right or happy?” The gentleman quickly replied, “Can I be both?” My son Chase was watching and laughed and THEN, whole-heartily agreed with the gentleman! Chase thinks that is the way to live! Here is the problem you cannot be right all the time. Sorry.

Two "peas in a pod"

I bought a couple of shirts with the saying, “I may be wrong, but I doubt it.” I gave these t-shirts to special people in my life who seem to have a take charge, and-- I pretty much do everything right --attitude towards life. I love these people, yet they are sometimes difficult to have any type of discussion beyond what they believe is the way things are or “should” be. My oldest son T.J. is one of these beautiful people…did I raise him this way? In my observation it comes naturally, for this is in both his genetics and in his environment. T.J. and I are very much alike. 

I have found however that the more aware I have become of giving up wanting to be right, rather than sacrificing happiness, life has gotten EASIER and obviously much more joyful.

to be continued... ;)

A Sneaker Allegory

My son is a "Sneaker Head". We are celebrating 22 years today with this "Sneaker Head", miracle son of ours. I say miracle because at 8 months old I left him in the bathtub, with the water running. I took a business phone call and 12-15 minutes later I frantically hung up and ran to the bathtub where I discovered him unconscious floating face down in the tub. I revived him by giving him CPR with help from a 911 dispatcher and today he walks perfectly and happily so long as he has a pair of authentic Jordan collector sneakers on his feet. His mind works perfectly as well, he can talk brilliantly about any subject that interests him...particularly sneakers.

Chase is the type of person that likes what he likes. That seems like a 'cliche', that everyone is like that. I beg to differ. I'm not so sure. This is NOT to say that Chase is black and white or judgmental in any way. On the contrary. He is one of the most loving, tender-hearted people I know. But his feet are firmly planted on certain things that are favorites of his.

I like where Chase is headed in life. He has learned from some very difficult roads.

We ALL make choices for good and ill. I believe that we can learn from everything that we go through if we look for the 'life lessons'. Chase has shown that in his young life he has an awareness far beyond his years.

Choice is a divine teacher, for when we choose we learn that nothing is ever put in our path without a reason. Iylana Vanzant

Sometimes we have to get up and go...and other times we don't. Sometimes we stay down awhile and figure out what there is to learn while we are on the pavement, the stony path, amongst the thorns and thistles. There is usually more to learn while we're down--than there is while we are skipping merrily along our way. But, eventually we all MUST get up again, and put one foot in front of the other.

A knowledge of the path cannot be substituted for putting one foot in front of the other. M. C. Richards

I'm sure Chase has had times where he felt alone in his "wilderness". Most of us have walked through some pretty dark and ugly wilderness and we all felt very alone. I believe Chase knows that I was always very close, even though maybe he could not see me. The truth is we are never really alone. When we go through our own dark wilderness there is sure to be a promised land on the other side.

The Promised Land always lies on the other side of the wilderness.
Havelock Ellis

I love this child just like I love all my children. We ALL learn through our bumps...and we are always the better for it. Some people choose to pretend they never have any bumps in life (ego maniacs), some don't for a time (luck eventually always runs out). Some people choose to deny they ever have any bumps on their road (the head in the sander's). Some may think they can go around their bumps (the avoider's). I don't recommend any of these. I've been and done them all. They're painful. There is one REAL road on this journey called life, THROUGH IT. You are the better for it when you just GRIN and LEARN, and CRY a little along the way. It's the higher ground.

Bless not only the road but the bumps on the road. They are all part of the higher journey. Julia Cameron

Happy birthday my son and I am looking forward to our new journey together at the "U".

I was wondering...could you buy ME a new pair of really cool sneakers for your birthday so you'll be proud to be seen with me? Just wondering?

Growing Forsynthia and Children Naturally

Forsythia are an extremely fast growing bush, up to one to two feet per year. The decision to prune or leave natural, is a matter of personal taste. It's also a function of where you've planted the bush. If grown in the yard singly or in small groups, they look stunning left to grow naturally. If grown as a hedgerow, or along foundations, pruning often is a requirement to maintain a neat and manageable appearance.

Forsythia are among the earliest of spring bloomers. You can force blooms indoors in winter. It will brighten up any room in the greyest and snowiest of winter days. Seems like a lot of information about a wildflower you may not be interested in unless you are a gardener or flower MANIAc...but I like metaphors.

My son is coming home from Florida today. Yellow is the theme for the weekend. It is happy and I am happy. I am also nervous because he embarks on a new phase of life and in a sense, so do I. Each time your child changes so do you as a parent. I have anticipated this day. I feel ill prepared, but I know that it is upon us and meant to be as it is.

Chase is 21 years old and has character and depth beyond most 21 year olds because of things he and our family has struggled with. We as a family are grateful for challenges we face. Chase has the ability to relate with people and extend his compassion for he has felt the depths of despair and humility himself. This is how life works...it comes full circle.

Chase is returning home 7 months before he had originally planned because unfortunately I have passed down some of this awful thing called a mood disorder. He has fought while in Florida and done so with immense honor and sheer gut. It is necessary now to redetermine a different medication for him. He was not on any medication when he left for Florida back in September of 2006.

His return comes with excitement for me and our entire family. It also comes with some trepidation for things that he will have to face. I suppose I could put him in a hedgerow, prune him often, and keep his appearance "neat and manageable". I choose not to do this for this child looks stunning left to grow...naturally. Just exactly the way he is!

Somewhere Over the RAINBOW

All THREE of my children have been on my mind non-stop this past weekend. This song has special meaning to me and low and behold my sister sent this beautiful video to me this morning...needless to say, the tears flowed.

My son drove back to college last night on bad roads. I let him take my car because his car has bald tires. He sent a text when he arrived safely, with an additional, "Thanks for being the biggest sweetheart in the world. Love you so much." How lucky am I to get that from my 18 year old BOY!? I had a terrible dream last night that my oldest son called me and could barely speak in the phone and then the phone went silent. I was frantic with fear. I have felt helpless as my son has been in Florida when I knew he was suffering and there was nothing I could do.

Yes, I could let my son take my car (and drive his junker for a week, big deal). But I can't drive the car for him. Believe me I thought about driving him home, but then what would he drive all week? Ewe, mother that is co-dependent! We cannot live our childrens lives and we cannot do things for them. We cannot protect them from mistakes, heartaches, illness, or accidents that may even take their lives. This dream I had last night made me feel tremendous compassion and a glimpse of the darkness my dear friends who lost their daughter last year in an accident may have possibly felt.

Parenting is a tough job. It is filled with ups and downs. But what is the alternative? You take the sadness with the happiness. You would never know such deep and pure love without raising children.

I remember the day I had T.J., my first born. I called my mother and cried and said to her..."I never knew you loved me this much."

When it rains, the sun shines through and there are RAINBOWS. I believe those rainbows are beautiful tender children sending love to their parents who have passed before their TIME...

What These Feet Feel In the Yellow Florida Sun

These "Jordan Kicks" were on my sons feet out in Florida on a P-day where he is serving a mission for our church. Florida is supposedly the SUNSHINE state. I equate sunshine with happiness and the color YELLOW with being happy. As in everything Florida has taken its fair share of rain and hurricanes. As for me, I would never choose to live in Florida. Our family vacationed there and had a blast. Live there? I'll pass. I suppose it is what we get used to...I kind of like the four changes of seasons where I live.

Grey skies...they come...and they come unfortunately to those families who have inherited this awful thing called mental illness. My brave and stalwart son has battled some depression out in the mission field as he has served in Florida. Again we are not a family that is ashamed of this medical issue, however we still fight the battle of ignorance all around.

Missionaries walk and they walk a lot, or they ride their bikes. They do have access to a car on occasion to get to certain destinations. Getting out in the fresh air and exercise is especially good for depression. This has been documented and proven time after time, however when the depression persists beyond several weeks there is no exercising, praying, thinking, dieting, or perfect living this stuff away. You need help and you need humility. I say humility because it is usually pride that keeps us from saying, "I need help, I can't seem to get over this feeling." If you ever find yourself saying that, don't waste another precious day, getting help is easier than you think. Everyone's path for healing and feeling better is different. Reaching out is your first step.

I wish that each of us could walk a mile in 10 other peoples shoes...maybe some Jordans, some military combat boots, ballet shoes, or possible rags because shoes were not affordable or even available. I believe we would then look at the world through different eyes because of what our feet felt. But it is so easy to get self-absorbed. Another way to help with depression is to help someone else...however it is well known that you cannot give away what you do not have yourself.

A message to my son...I love you more than words could possibly say. When your feet hit the streets of Florida, though they may be heavy, carry on for you are a strength and example to many. Your heart may ache for the comforts of home, but there are others who will never go home at all. Your mind may twist and turn with grey thoughts that tear you down and tell you that you are worth very little, but remember my son you were preserved and given another chance in this life, you were meant to SHINE ON!!!

Blue Storms Rolling In

I have 3 sons. I passionately love them all. They are all unique in their own way. I love each of them equally, yet differently because THEY are different. Intuitively we learn to treat people differently because they are different. A unique and special relationship and bond is formed when we understand and honor this.

My youngest son, Tandin moved to college this weekend. He is a Utah State Aggie now and soon he will be bleeding blue. He is an avid sports fan. He sits in his new dorm, head reeling with questions as to what this experience will be like. His friends were everything to him. He went to college alone. This was something that showed strength and character at 18 years old when he did have another choice. Guaranteed there will be storms of many kinds where he has chosen to spend the next 4 years of his life. Logan Utah gets cold. I believe he will experience emotional, mental, spiritual and physical storms as well. He is strong no doubt and he will be a success. Reaching out to others for help is part of that success.

My middle son Chase is in Florida, Brandon Florida to be exact. There is a tropical storm called Fay which is projected to be a possible Hurricane by tomorrow morning. Chase tells me it is supposed to hit Brandon. He seems quite excited. He tells me that the missionaries get pretty jazzed about doing service work after the Hurricanes. I guess this is not so devastating for the missionaries, they do not make their permanent homes in Florida. Interesting how the misfortunate storms for some can be a field of harvest for another.

Chase has had some blues in the mission field. Nothing I can think of that can cure the blues than to help others through a storm...Chase is strong, no doubt he will be a success too!

TJ, my oldest son, what can I say? Survivor to thriver! He is simply amazing. He has survived more storms than most in his 27 years than most people will their whole life. He has turned his life around in a matter of two years and is an absolute delight to be in the presence of. The storms are what made him who he is.

We learn things from the blues that we could not otherwise, and remember there is always sunshine after the storms...