Simplicity IS Happiness

Who needs toys when there are so many things to play with!

Tomorrow's Surprises!

A year and a half ago on May 9, 2011 i wrote a blog titled "Until Tomorrow." My closing statement was "I don't know what's ahead, no one ever does, but i trust and move forward with complete faith and optimism for what ever the future holds is..... "as it should be."

Three months later, August 20th, i posted another blog as a follow up entitled "It's Tomorrow."
Little could i fathom the twists and turns, falls and surprises my life would take...

A week or so after my first post "Until Tomorrow" i was sitting in our living room when my husband of 27 years approached me about my indifference towards him and said "we should get a divorce." I agreed. There was little discussion or fighting by then. He had scheduled a few sessions of marriage counseling some years prior, too much, too little, too late, i was exhausted. I'm sure he was exhausted as well, at least for a couple of months.


He went to stay at a nephews cabin for a couple of weeks. I then chose to move out of our home of 18 years. I felt it was the best decision for all concerned. Four months later it was necessary for me to move again; into a 3 room space in my fathers building above my business. It's a comfy place and i now call it home.

My home one year ago 

My living room

My bathroom

My bedroom

Those were some tough, albeit funny times and I'm grateful this Christmas season to not be living amongst a construction zone and sleeping on an air bed. Although PAC loved the obstacle course it provided....

I've always said "you can do anything if you know there's an end in sight." One year ago i had spunk, stamina, guts...and i had no idea what tomorrow's would bring. Like i said, none of us do...

I've come a long way baby from that dusty disaster! I love sleeping on a mattress and I love my jetted tub i got on KSL for $400 bucks. I also laugh about the night i woke up after, who knows how many hours, as i had fallen asleep on that toilet. My long legs worked very nice as a pillow that night.

I hate pity, I hate people to feel sorry for me or for anyone, for that dis empowers all of us. Compassion, empathy, Yes! Entitlement, whining--I've seen the victim role played out in so many ways i could gag; and I've played it before, and I discovered this profound truth, it produces NOTHING! Surprise!

Other profound truths: ...nothing is fair about: unexpected or unexplained death of a loved one or divorce. I've experienced both and it does not matter how you slice it or dice it...if hurts! You love someone and they're gone, at least from this life = PAIN. And if you've been through death or divorce and you did not hurt you are one cold person or you're in denial. Now none of this means you cannot pick up the pieces and have a good life or even a better life? Heavens no! Suffering is necessary--until it is unnecessary (you have to think about that).

People pretend all the time...and i have no problem with the motto "fake it till you make it!" I also have come to know "you think you know people, and then they surprise you!" This year has been full of SURPRISES!

As i wondered back on May 9, 2011---

 3 questions to examine:

What's important to you?
What motivates you?
What do you fear the most?

i'll add 3 more questions this year:

What disappointments have you endured this year?
What surprised you about this disappointment, i.e. did you not expect this to happen?
What have you learned about your experience(s)?

After the experiences of 2011/12 I've learned a LOT! I hope your experiences have done the same for you.

Things change. People change (and sometimes they don't). You accept it/them, or you Don't. But move on, We Must.

I hope you do examine these questions-- and you live true...

 

Always on Your Side

Butterflies are free to fly...

and also always on your side. Love those beautiful bugs with wings. ~

Voyage of Discovery

 

It's Tomorrow

It's tomorrow. I wrote this blog titled Until Tomorrow after finishing my 4th semester at the "U." I was looking forward to some life changes, namely transferring to Weber State, which i did, but life does not always turn out exactly as you plan and you take some 180's. I start back at the "U" on Monday and I am looking forward to two classes from my fav Professor's.

I was looking forward to throwing on a suit, laying by a pool and reading a novel or two this summer. I also had ideas about "projects." Oh plenty of projects were accomplished, just not the ones i had in mind last May. I wanted to put all the old Super 8 and VHS videos on film for family preservation. Didn't happen.

 

My 3 MUSS boys.

What did happen is i was blessed with some great experiences with really beautiful people in my life. First, my boys, not nearly enough time, but that's what happens when life responsibilities hit you and you accept it head on. Second my parents, what awesome people all 3 of them are, each fighting their own challenges in life with health, aging, children, grandchildren and their own personal changes. They face them with tremendous valiance, they are great examples to me. My employees, for i have had an opportunity to reconnect and spend hours learning more about what they face each day at Phazes and i now have a new appreciation for our business and how they love and serve unselfishly. Last but not least the volunteering with Therapeutic Assets a horse therapy program for many special needs children and adults. The program is hosted at Allen Horse Play which is owned by my parents, where i call home. i grew up on this (used to be dairy farm) now horse stables, and it brings me peace each time i am able to spend time on that hallowed ground and remember my roots.

Zion loves every Thursday at the Stables. The horses do not love Zion, she is annoying.

 If your tomorrow does not turn out as planned, look at it this way, maybe it is for the best and all things have purpose, lessons can be learned if you look and are willing to let things take their course...things are as they should be. You just have to have a funny thing called, faith.~

A Degree of Change

I have enjoyed my commute to and from the University of Utah the past year and a half. Whether I would blast my tunes, catch up with business phone calls or chat with a friend, the time was enjoyable and well spent.

Today as I left campus a swell of emotion hit my chest, no tears spilled over for I have learned how to control emotion rather well these last few months. I believe today was my last day attending class as a student at the "U."

Life changes and we accept the changes and challenges before us. I am enrolled for Fall semester but will be withdrawing and applying at my old Alma Mater, Weber State. I never officially received my bachelors there, I was only a few credit hours shy of a business degree. Now I have my general ed's under my belt and I am nearly ready to officially start into the Social Work program. It's a lot of education with no degree so far, and I don't regret an ounce of it.

When life requires you to make changes and you reflect back on what meant the most on the journey, it is always the people. I had two Professors that made a profound impact on me. Oddly enough they were in political science, my minor. I have two regrets leaving the "U." One is that I will not be taking another class from Dr. Holland or Dr. Garrott. They are incredible teachers and wonderful people, and I am grateful I had the opportunity to sit in class and learn from the best.

BAT CHASERMAN?

The other regret is that I will not be taking Social Work classes with my son Chase. Yet we know that we raise our children to be their own Person. I have no doubt Chase is just that indeed. He is very much IN charge of his own life...I love this child of mine! He will be a fine therapist one day. (Please take off the mask however, it will frighten the children).

Under the Rainbow?

When you're in it, it's not so fun. Looking back, as in "PERSPECTIVE" you can laugh and maybe learn a thing or two...

Last week while in New York a rain storm so torrential came up that it whipped our wimpy little umbrella out of our hands, along with litter--ally hundred's of others.

New York has no shortage of retail opportunity, so the corner in which we lost our umbrella was a conveniently located Kmart. We slipped right in and purchased an over-sized rainbow umbrella!

And stomped our way on to watch the famous off broadway production "Stomp" to my sheer delight!

Life can be Wicked at times...this was meant to be a memento pic in front of the play...don't bother watching, it's 15 seconds of wicked New York stupidity...

But it doesn't have to be. You can always get rid of your old black umbrella and look at the world from under the rainbow...

Awareness of the Regrets...Live NOW

I’m starting to believe I’ve moved my office as many times as my family has gone through divorces! Ouch. I now have 2 offices. One at home for my U of U social work studies,  and one in our beautiful Phazes building that I love so much…I don’t love my business as an entity, I love its SPIRIT. It is warm, inviting and loving. From the very first day of conception (yes I say conception,) because we bore and have belabored with this little baby, whom is now 24 years old. She is wonderful, temperamental, and her insides have all the beauties now of a grown woman.

Today I am 47 yrs old, plus another 128 days. I have few regrets, but this is one that I wish I could change, however at the time, I was just so unaware. When I reflect back on my life, when I was actually living it, there was much of the time...I was not there. Oh my physical body was there, and possibly even a certain presence of mInd was there; but what I am talking about is really living the moment. Being totally present with the person, or the experience, or even the feeling...and Living in the NOW. 

It seems like such an odd thing to say, yet if you actually think about it, how often are you somewhere, but your mind is completely in a different space and time?

How often have you got in your car and arrived at your destination and you cannot remember any of the turns you took, stops you made, or how you got there?! Your physical body was performing, but your mind was in a completely different place. Now imagine being the person sitting next to you in that car, or maybe in a room with you or in any given situation and they NEEDED you…and You just were Not There…

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

- Mark Twain

v.

Oh my gosh, there are so many things competing for our attention! So what are your priorities and what matters most? I cannot answer this for you, i can only answer it for myself. Furthermore it would be rude and assuming if I tried!

I find that we as people ruminate over many things that happened in the past and fret about things that could be detrimental to our futures. We play these “negative tapes,” so to speak in our heads repeatedly, relive them to nauseum. Just because we ‘see’ things a certain way in our own minds, doesn't make it truth! It is another one of those…”maybe if you walked a mile in anothers shoes, you'd "see" things differently….

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
It's about learning how to dance in the rain.

- Vivian Greene

Different is often times a good thing, our world changes, and so must we...

The MoNsTer in Me!

I have a bazillion things to do--clean the house, shop at the store--for you Mormons now, no bursting into song --"so we can be ready for Sunday."

I wish I felt like singing, the dogs miss my singing, I haven't been singing as much lately. I'm not depressed.........I'm situationally challenged.

I should be working at the salon/boutique, working in my office, doing homework, yada yada. What I should do and what I feel like doing are two completely different things...but as it goes I have my trusty little lap top and my faithful little lap dog, and I surf the day away.

I do my best not to guilt myself, Dad always said, "if I miss this meeting, there will be another." And then that sh** eating grin would appear on his face, his head would bob slightly from shoulder to shoulder in mischievous disdain and you could hear a slight chuckle. Wow do I love reality.  There is always plenty of meetings, housework, homework and shopping, even for a Saint...and excuse me, but I'm not a Saint, I'm a farmers daughter, occasionally I have the mouth to prove it, (sh, I mean oops)!

I have learned that the list of stuff isn't going away, and I'm pretty sure this icky feeling in my chest will. I could do ALL that stuff (or get started,) and ignore this icky feeling, but "feeling" it is part of "healing."

I am reading, or rather re-reading, a book I read years ago. I have referred to many chapters on several occasions over the past 5 years. I love books where at the beginning of chapters are thoughts or poems that pertain to the book that make you think or give some type of insight. Here is the thought at the beginning of Chapter 9 from "Enchanted Love" by Marianne Williamson, entitled "Removing the Ghosts"

"There are monsters in my past, my darling.

So what? I have a few in mine. But I am not the monster.

I am not the monster, and the monster is not me."

When I was a little girl I was terrified of monsters! So much so that my dad had to carry me in his arms and show me every closet and look under every bed. Together we would walk through our basement, opening the "darkroom" door was the scariest! This was surely the place the "monsters" would be waiting. But my dad was bigger and stronger than any of them! I could have never trusted, I could have never slept had we not done this ritual every night. I cannot remember what frightened me so much, nor how long it continued, but eventually I did learn to trust.

I look back and see that, yes, the monster was in me...the monster is always in us. Can we accept that, can we actually see that...and move past it? Face my fears? I can now. Sometimes I just need a day (or two,) on, off, in or out of "reality."  Doesn't really matter to me which preposition you use. I suppose it's all about how You look at it.

Oh No Not the R Word!

My recommendation? Don't do it! Tandin says, "Don't set your expectations too high, then you won't be disappointed."

Resolutions. I've done 'em. Oh believe me, I have stacks of planners with goals, New Year’s resolutions, schedules, have to, should's, want to's and could's.

I started my career, and launched my business with Tony Robbins chatter in my brain! You don't know who Tony Robbins is? He went from a homeless guy living out of his car to a millionaire hopelessly in love in less than a year! Ha! What an idol for an idealistic 23 year old business woman on fire!? I was an idiot!!!

A clip of Tony Robbins...if you dare:

Actually I like Tony Robbins, I have just found the softer approach works better for me...

So I write affirmations. Ahhh, you thought I'd given up on this form of self actualizing altogether? NEVER! (Unless I'm depressed, then it all goes to hell) Anyway an affirmation is a positive statement written to you about yourself as if it is already true.

Example: I always eat healthy and delicious food to keep my body and brain working in tip top condition!
(This is NOT exactly how one of my affirmations would read; it would be even a LITTLE too far-fetched for my cookie loving sub conscious mind to believe)

So the whole idea in life is learning how to set yourself up to win…If resolutions and goals work for you, GO FOR IT.

Otherwise you may want to try the softer side and not use the "R" word!

A Chapter in a Story

Stories, I live stories. A biography or auto biography... Love 'em!

And how about the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves? We act out our stories all the time, and don't even know it. This is wherein lies the problem, or so those who are working towards "awareness" or "enlightenment" would say. I would have to concur.

I have stories. I have stories about many things. These stories justify me, explain me, excite me, sadden me, but are they me? I ask myself?

Carl Jung said, "He who looks outside dreams, he who looks inside awakens."

My stories are my own, and I have a few. Some of them have been real self destructive dramas. Some I've told to myself too many times and I almost believed them, and they just weren't true, oh yes, it's easy to lie to yourself.

I've had fairy tales, and comedies, and a few horror stories played back and forth, but are they real?

Yes and no. Our thoughts are us. But only so much as we allow them to be. And only so much as we are aware of them. Being present in this moment as to who we are is a challenge for most of us every single day.

I am trying to figure out what chapter of my story I am living in and whose lives I am affecting for the good! I believe I am just beginning or awakening in Chapter 4 of my story? I expect it to be good.

Dogs and Brown Butterflies

I try, I try very very hard at what ever I do. I never give up easily, actually I don't give up, I think of things as shifting positions...just as a dog would do if he was chasing butterflies.

I get attached to things, symbols, they become reminders to me. It's not the things themselves, it's the feeling that goes with them. Recently I have taken a liking to butterflies and so in the process of creating a cosmetic line for our new business we will be launching on the Internet soon, I named all of the lipsticks, eyeshadows and blushes after flowers and butterflies. It was quite a process but one that was meaningful and fun for me. This business has been brought about by love, through love, during some very trialsome times for my sister and me. We have laughed our way through most of it! Cried our way through some of it and our patient, no kidding, military colonel background partner has supported us 100% through it all. The guy is a non-emotional genius that now says he is very aware of color coordination and PMS.

Our new company is called "Never Forgotten Statements"! It's a mouthful and it says a lot! It says a lot about what a women should, could and wants to be when she walks into a room. She does not want to be forgotten. The worst thing in life is to be ignored, it equates to you mean nothing. Every man, woman and child means so much and we can reach out and make someone feel special by recognizing them with such little gestures. Maybe that is why I like Dogs and Butterflies...they do it so easily...

Midnight Blues with the Crickets

We have issues. They are getting to be serious. We have crickets living amongst us. Yes INSIDE our house!

Night #1: Kelly (my husband) and I suffer through. I am wondering now where our minds were? Were we expecting the other to get rid of the cricket? Did we think the cricket was going to crawl, jump, or walk out on his own, saying "I'm bustin' this place, these people are weird!" No way, this bugger is right under my side of the bed. I have the better hearing of the two of us. Kell has gotten up once during the night and looked for it in the family room. I shake my head and wonder again when he is going to break down and get that bell-tone hearing aide?

Night #2: Cricket starts whacking his little legs together making that perfect clicking sound. I stick my iPod in and sleep, somehow with a cacophony of instruments and voices and a cricket. Isn't this dangerous for a bi-polar person? I am a little on the "high" side right now. Don't want to be pulling any schizophrenic stuff now do we?? Too many sounds going on directly piped into my ear all night long may not be so good. Hummm.

Night #3: Dragging in from work at 10:30 at night. Proud husband proclaims, "I've got the cricket!" I am thinking oh thank goodness, this body mind and soul has got to have sleep! I am greeted by the pile of goodies that has been living under our bed conveniently with broom and dustpan nearby. Well, OK he must have been too tired to finish up the job! I'll just git her done. Lights out. Mr. cricket is baack. IPod in. YOU try to catch the SOB!! Believe me I have been up plenty of times sneaking around in the dark. I have decent hearing, I definitely know the vicinity where he is. I look like a thief in her underwear sneaking up on her next victim!! Hunch backed, tip-toeing and all... Oh, the cricket is in the garbage can where I swept up the goodies from under the bed. Guess Kell hadn't really got the cricket after all, well kinda, he got it into the pile! I take it to the outside dumpster. Peace for the rest of the night.

Night #4: There's one in the closet! No shizzz! I pull back the clothes in my closet quickly, as if to take it by surprise. Nothing there. No help from Mr. passed-out-in- bed over there. Can't find it. Grab my pillows and go up to Chase's room to sleep.

Night #5: Kelly has done laundry during the day, thinking Mr. cricket is in the laundry. Not a chance in hell. He is in full kicking gear in the closet as lights are out. Kell is lights out as well. Dozer has had an especially exhausting day because he is snoring up a storm. I'm outta here. I'm upstairs now, can't sleep. IPod in, hoping to wind down. It is now 4:30, I'm hungry, as I leave Chase's bedroom to my absolute horror I slowly tip toe down the stairs and into the kitchen...left side of the sink another CRICKET!!!!!

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. WE NEED HELP IN THIS HOUSE!!!

Oceans of Blue

I have been on a cruise to Mexico for the last 7 days. The cities and views have been beautiful. But the ocean, ah the ocean! As I sit on this ship the sea goes forever…I feel somewhat blue inside. I have many changes coming in my life – again. My baby goes to college. They call this “empty nest syndrome." It’s actually a syndrome, ooooh! I actually love change in my life, but I have had a lot of it lately and what I anticipate will be big. No matter I will adjust. I always do. I believe things are as they should be. Life is a roller coaster, you ride a roller coaster, you do not steer it.

As a parent you receive more joy watching your children blossom, become their own person and grow to be who they were meant to be. My children are absolutely doing that. I have never made them dependent on me. They have been self sufficient from a very early age. Partly out of necessity, because I worked and partly when I was sick. They never minded, they liked the independence and enjoyed the confidence I had in them. They still had rules and always stuck to those rules with great respect. For this I am both grateful and honored to be their mother.

So I feel blue. I have cried every day while on this trip. It has not been from chemical depression and it is not that I have been all that sad. It is just emotion. I am emotional…and proud of it, I feel life. I wanted to go to an orphanage while I was in Mexico and knew I just was not strong enough emotionally. I would have cried myself to a migraine (I have already had 2 on the cruise). Blue is not so bad. Dark grey and black…awful, the not get out of bed kind, horrible. I have gotten out of bed easily, happily, went to bed when I wanted, read when I wanted, in fact this trip has been do anything you want, when ever you want, however you want. I came with my son and his friends, guess who my son spent his time with? Which was exactly as I expected. I got plenty of sleep, he got about –none. He had the time of his life. I had an experience of a lifetime. We will both cherish our time in Mexico forever. The oceans of blue will be locked in our hearts always.

Climbing with Cockleburs

Do you have days like this? My day already started feeling like it was going to be ONE OF THOSE DAYS! I take it in stride. You live this long, you can either fight it or roll with it. I have a meeting in 45 minutes. I won't make it to this one. I figure there will ALWAYS be another.

When I was little and played out in the fields I always had cockleburs on my socks. I hated them, but after a while I learned to play with them in spite of how annoying they were. Poignant. This is how life is.

I come from a family of drama. It's fun. We live life fully. Whether it be playing or a crisis. We have learned to stand by each other as we climbed many mountains with cockleburs in our socks.