I can't say the journey has been easy. The last 9 years have been filled with more trial, heartache and sickness than all the previous 30 years combined. I can tell you that divorce, financial ruin and addiction can suck the very life out of you, so much so that many times, well, i wished i didn't have to take another breath. Some types of mental and emotional pain can be so damn hard that living within your own thoughts is torture; and then to get out of that torture you numb youself with anything that makes the thoughts go away. My numbing tool was alcohol.
I'll never forget my first weekend drinking nearly 9 years ago. It was Thanksgiving weekend and i was in Vegas with my new boyfriend. I very specifically told him i didn't think it was a good idea that i drink because of my challenge with opiod addiction in my 30's. I shoved the thought out of my mind and decided it was just time for me to let my hair down and have a good time, and i can say, we had a great time just being with each other and mostly laughing. This new boyfriend was someone from high school and i have never been around someone who could make me belly laugh on a regular basis like he did. We were both going through ugly divorces and laughter was the best medicine either of us could have wanted, except we started mixing that laughter with alcohol.
I met Kevin in November of 2013. He has stuck by me through my trials. After breaking up 6 times we finally have settled into a life together. We never gave up on each other, our connection from the first time we met was magical, and we have strived (and fought) to keep it. In many ways we are mirrors of each other, driven, bull-headed, spiritual and passionate about life and one another.
Although my divorce was what i wanted and felt needed to happen if i was to ever find real happiness and true love, it was way more than i bargained for. I've said many times that had i known what i was going to face i would have stayed in my marriage, even if i was miserable. I think i could have reconciled that i could live without true love if i could have everything that keeping a family entails. Holiday's and birthday's together and most of all not sucking the life out of my children.
I consider divorce one of the most horrific things to do to a family. I consider addiciton to be the worst thing to live with, losing all your wordly possessions, your community and many friends isn't too fun either, all of those things together -- wicked. It took me seven years of pure hell to finally start to see the light.
I may some day tell of some of those hellish times, but for now i'm living my dream.
Today i am spending a few days on a thousand acre ranch with its own little lake, zip line, shooting range, recreational vehicles and outdoor fire pit. It's all surreal because i'm here with my love. It's just the two of us and we love just being together. We both need the time off. Work pretty much consumes both of us 6, sometimes 7 days a week. Kevin and i have learned a cadence to our lives. We are looking forward to semi retiring in less than 2 years.
Kevin and i have spent the better part of the last few months since coronaviruse broke out in the U.S., listening to way to much news and doom and gloom. It's times like these, when i can be quiet and think to myself and be grateful to God that i am exactly where i am in life. There is so much rhetoric, sadness, tribulation and down right evil in this world these days; but i have a choice to live my own life now and choose to be happy and content with what God has blessed me with. He has blessed me abundantly.
Our own private lake, just for a few days
It's truly the simple things i find joy in now. No pomp and circumstance of trying to impress anybody or live who i am not. I am who i am and i like that. Kevin accepts me for exactly who i am and that feels good. We have a respect and affection for one another that is rare between two people. We have a good life now and look forward to whatever the future brings, because we can do it together.
I've been sober now for nearly 2 years. My family stood by me, even when they did not know what to do. Kevin broke up with me 3 times and i broke up with him 3 times, every time alcohol played a part in our fighting. We fought hard for what we have because of our deep connection from the beginning. Our love is magical.
Life has a way of teaching you the harshest lessons for the best of reasons. I have fought depression my whole life, some chemical and some situational depression, all depression is horrible. The trials have disappeared from my life for now. I don't know exactly what the future brings. I have been gravely concerned for our country as the rioting continues and the polarity between American's is rising almost daily.
Whatever happens in life i am certainly much more prepared for the trials, experience is the best teacher. Happiness is a state of mind. I choose happiness.
