Treatment and Hope for Depression

 The results are in!..or at least i hope they are.

Two months ago i began an all out effort to treat my dark depressive episodes. I had begun TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) and an 8 week meditation course.

Shortly after i started this i really started feeling better. Call it placebo, or whatever, but the fact is i did feel and believe good things were to come of my efforts.

I finished TMS this week after having 34 treatments. I did get used to the procedure and was able to finish with the goal of 72 as the most effective measurement. I started at 51. I used music to distract me from the discomfort of the treatment, and 3 minutes would go by rather fast.

I was given a survey on a regular basis to monitor and measurme my mood, my sleeping and my eating habits. I started out pretty low and finished with stellar results. I do feel different, i just do not know how to explain it.

There is a differnce between chemical and situational depression. Situational depression will improve as circumstances in life improve. Chemical depression comes on, triggered by what?..sometimes nothing. I could feel the difference. Chemical depression shattered all hope and enjoyment out of life for no particular reason.

I'm not sure what the future brings but i am now hopeful that the crushing depressive episodes from my past are gone. Time will tell.

EMDR has been (still having sessions), interesting. My first session was emotionally draining. Subsequent sessions have been ok. The goal is to reprocess traumatic events from the past and let them go. I can honestly say that i do not live in the past any longer. When i think of my past i have good and bad memories. I'm sure everyone is that way. The painful things in my past are just part of my story and i can let it be in the past. For the most part i do not harbor bad feelings towards many...there are still a couple. I am working on that.

Meditation is absolutely AWESOME! I look forward to getting in bed every night and just, well just having a present awareness of my body, my breathing and my thoughts. Meditation is not about not thinking because thoughts just naturally come and go, but it's different when you are in a meditative state. You let the thought go and then revert your thought back to a present awareness of your body. I do a 33 minute body scan. Sometimes i fall asleep. My goal each night is to relax and be in a grateful state of mind for my life.

The final thing that i have added to my life is nightly devotionals with my love, Kevin. We read from 4 books each night. Jesus Calling, Jesus Listens, Stillness Speaks and the Bible. This gives us time to connect with each other and connect with our Higher Power, God.

I'm happy. I'm hopeful and in the best place i have ever been with my business and with my relationships with my loved ones and with myself.

A New Journey

I have fallen into a dark depression..ya, i know the drill, eat right, exercise, take my meds, meditate, do something i enjoy, self-care........problem is, when you're depressed you enjoy nothing. I am trying, really i am but this shit is no fun. No one chooses to be depressed. Life happens, and life happens when you're trying to make a better life. 

 I am doing 3 things to battle this disease i have. 

I am having TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). It is a non-invasive treatment that uses electromagnetic pulses to stimulate nerve cells, which may improve symptoms of neurological or mental health disorders. It mainly treats depression. There’s also some evidence that TMS may help other disorders, like anxiety, OCD, PTSD, chronic pain, Alzheimer's and Parkinson’s disease.

I've had one treatment, and to describe it would be this: have you ever been electrocuted when you were plugging something into a light socket? It feels like that with only five times the power. It just zaps your brain. I will have 30 treatment, 5 times a week for 6 weeks. The goal is to get the strength to 72. I got to 62 on my first treatment. The treatment only lasts 3 minutes. I will have 30, so i figure, if this helps me to not feel this way for any time in my future it is worth a shot. 

It's only 90 minutes of getting my brain zapped! The success rate of TMS for depression is promising. Response rates for depression are between 30 and 64 percent. More research is needed to understand the success rate for other medical conditions. 

The second thing i will be doing is EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) with my therapist. This can be done by tapping and moving your eyes right to left. My therapist has 2 little balls that i hold in each hand and it blinks and buzzes back and forth.

The American Psychiatric Association (APA) has noted that EMDR is effective for treating symptoms of acute and chronic PTSD, panic attacks, sleep disorders and addiction. According to the APA, EMDR may be particularly useful for people who have trouble talking about the traumatic events they've experienced. 

I've had one session. It was emotionally exhausting. I'm going continue for a while and see what comes of it. There are no side effects. Bonus. 

The third thing i have signed up for is an eight week meditation course. Now this speaks to me the most. Thought discipline. The only negative thing about meditation is when you think you're no good at it, which is a myth. It's about awareness. Being aware of the space between your thoughts, but it's not about trying not to think, it's about recognizing those thoughts. It's very strange and very cool. I like it.

So, it's a lot, but when i do something i like to do it big, and i like to do it well. 

Wish me luck and stay tuned...

Dogs

                                      Why does watching a dog be a dog fill one with happiness

-Jonathan Safran Foer

I had a dog, one of those dogs that will never be replaced. Maybe you've had one of those too? This is a three part post to share some of my journey through depression, mania, addiction and a long journey where i have found peace with living in the present. My special Zion would have been 18 today.

Over the past 18 years i have loved 7 dogs...none like i loved Zion.

Zion was a Boston Terrier runt. Full grown 11 lbs. She is named after Zion's canyon in St. George, Utah. It was there that i decided i needed a dog. I brought her home the day before Thanksgiving in 2003. I was 43 years old and about to experience the longest bout of depression i had ever experienced in my life. I felt the depression coming on so i fled to Zion's canyon hoping to get a reprieve from the pressures of running a salon and day spa and raising a family. I also knew my brain chemistry was off. When i returned, the deep darkness sank in and i spent the better time of the next several months, until June of that year in bed. During that time it was a triumph if i did a little housework, showered and brushed my teeth. I don't recall if the preceding months had been filled with mania, but as the pattern was, what goes up, must come down. That's how the chemistry in the brain works if you have bipolar depression.

When Zion was a puppy she was so little she fit in the palm of my hand. When she ate her little back feet would come off the ground because her head was big compared to her body. All those months she would, lay beside me, just loving me unconditionally. I would play with her frequently, and she became very proficient in playing catch.. I would rival any Golden Retriever or Labrador that Zion loves balls more than any good fetching dog. She learned how to play an incredible game of soccer; literally dribbling it through the yard and "nose bumping" it if you threw it at her.

Zion's biggest ball ever

Zion slept with me every night. She would ball up next to my stomach and sleep there contently all night. I've never been a good sleeper, insomnia and i know each other well. The years with Zion always by my side are now missed during those long hours between two and five a.m. when i cannot sleep.

I've been told that if you live in the past you will be depressed, and if you live in the future you will be anxious. That makes sense, but i didn't learn that lesson or master living in the present until the last couple of years.

When i would look back and remember certain periods of my life, i could not remember any of them without knowing that the ever present feeling of depression and uneasiness lived within me. As i reflect on those higher flying days of mania when i would be in the middle of remodeling one of the salon's or building the 6,000 ft square building, called the Phazes Building. My energy and creativity was boundless and i felt i could conquer the world. A lot of great things came to be during my phases of mania, but the black dog always eventually won, Zion was there through all of it.

After i split up with my husband of 27 years, anxiety about the future was ever present. Had i known what the following eight years i had ahead of me i'm sure i would have never agreed to a divorce. Five months following splitting from Kelly i went to Las Vegas with TJ and some of his friends. I also took a good friend from high school who was going through an ugly divorce. He offered me a drink. I hesitated and told him of my tendency towards addiction. for I had had a three year stint with opioids in my late thirties.

I didn't drink much the first night, but the second night we both got pretty drunk, and at the time it made me forget all my troubles. When i agreed to divorce i thought it was the best thing for both of us. I had become indifferent to him and he was unhappy as well. The kids were raised. I had just finished my fifth consecutive quarter at the University of Utah, my Dad, who owned the Phazes Building had stage 4 cancer and i had to make some changes. I could have never imagined how changed my life would be with two decisions, to get divorced and to take a drink.

I did not return to school that Fall. I was giving it all and i had to rebuild the salon during the recession. Two years later i lost the salon in a turn of events that gave all the power to my father and stepmom. I moved in with Tandin, my son, and started back to the "U.." Two months later i would meet Kevin.

After moving in with Tandin i started hiding my liquor, and how much i drank. The first clue i had a real problem was when i stated hiding a pint of Vodka in my closet.

To be continued...

Vodka

                          A DOG is the only thing on earth that loves you more than she loves herself

                                      -Josh Billings  

continued from Dogs...

When i think of the day i got Zion, during my longest period of a depressive episode, and the day i put her to sleep, it was two of the most dark days i had ever endured. I held on to Zion way longer than i had a right. She had been blind for two years. I had reduced her dignity to carrying her everywhere the last six months. I knew she could see shadows because she still pushed the ball around with her nose, but constantly bumped into things. I battled the decision for a couple of months, i knew it was time when i put a ball in front of her and she just stood there.

The last trip Zion and I had at Zion's canyon

I fixed her a huge dish of scrambled eggs with tons of cheese one hour before i took her in to be euthanized. I don't believe i had ever felt such heavy feet as i carried her into the vet. They put her to sleep in my arms. I left and went to work that day. The next three days i stayed home and chugged vodka. When i would wake up i would chug some more until i passed out again.

Addiction and mental illness go hand in hand, and they both exacerbate each other. I knew this, it didn't stop me from drinking. All i wanted was to numb myself from the pain of thinking about my past and worrying about the future.

I met Kevin in the Fall of 2013. We both felt a chemistry we had never experienced before on our first date. He mostly talked about his adventures of traveling the world surfing. I mostly listened, talking about your ex and your previous family life seemed to have little interest to a confirmed bachelor of 57. He was a successful Realtor; me, a failed business woman who drank too much. I did have 3 incredible, successful boys i had raised and was close to. I was a student at the "U" again and barely making it through my classes. The trauma of losing my business and moving away from everything familiar was weighing heavily on me. I was without a job, without insurance, less than $100 in my bank account and an old jalopy of a vehicle. 

I had dated plenty the previous two years. I had met some really fine men, along with plenty of "one and done" dates. None had ever swept me off my feet, until i met Kevin.

I moved in with Kevin shortly after meeting him and we had a wonderful year of trips and concerts, belly laughs, along with a good share of fights. I was reeling with feeling i belonged no where and drinking secretlly. I felt that i lived in his world, while secretly i was trying to drown out the pain of my past. Kevin worked so much and he allowed me time to do what i wanted, which was mostly drink and not think of all i lost and what my future was going to be. Zion was the one familiar thing in my life and she comforted me. I knew she loved me, even if i didn't love myself.

to be continued...

A Puppy and a Kitten

                                          Dogs do speak, but only to those who know how to listen

                                                            - Orhan Pamuk

Continued from "Vodka"... The seven dogs in my life have each taught me something different. I don't have a dog now. That will come shortly when Kevin and i semi retire and have time to raise a puppy.

When i get a dog this time, i will be a different person. Sure, my inate personality is still there, but i live more like dogs live...in the present.

I moved in with Kevin again after living seperate for 5 years. There was a comfort and a settling that happened after i moved in and the stability of a home and someone who loved me unconditionally was by my side.

Our lives became very routine. Hybernating because of covid that Spring gave me time to cacoon and start being present with myslef and even though the world seemed to be crumbling, i was getting stronger. I was sober and the dealership that i had now become a small invested owner in was growing and prospering. TJ, the leader and founder, my son and the visionary to TJ Chapman Auto had finally got over the hump. We had worked so hard, six, sometimes seven days a week, answering sales calls, trying to get our books straight, weathering the storms of employee drama and estblishing a nationwide reputation for selling rebuilt titles cars across the country.

Covid brought in an influx of internet buyers who found us, loved our concept, cars and our prices. We started shipping more and more vehciles all over the United States. The daily grind of getting up and working nine to sometimes twelve hours a day was paying off, and all of a sudden i realized...i am living in the present. I went home to Kevin each night. Saw grandkids on the weekends and found a couple of good TV series that both Kevin and i watched frequently. We watched more news than is good for any sane person and got caught up in the politics, racial unrest in the country, and the status of covid deaths. THe world outside wasn't so good, but my life was. My life had gotten really simple, content and when i thought of the years behind me it was just a story in my past. The future felt secure.I had no more financial worries, i had a happy healthy family with three prospering boys along with their wives and 4 grandsons.

Kevin and i are looking forward to cutting back in our careers soon and living life to the fullest. He wants to go back to traveling the world and i want to be with him and experience it with the love of my life.

Kevin & i with Gibson before his euthanization

We also will be getting a cat and a dog. A fluffy kitty that will sit in his office like his 21 year old cat, Gibson did in years past... and we will be getting a Boston Terrier. If you suffer from a mental illness and/or addiction and with anxiety, know that while the journey is hard, you can learn to live now and live happily.

                                 Dogs are our link to paradise

                                       - Milan Kundera