All That LIfe is Made of

26 years ago I gave birth to a most exquisite boy. I bonded with him immediately and have enjoyed a closeness to him that has brought me a happiness all my life. I call him my beautiful "Chaser" and he most certainly has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. I am a fortunate woman to have the relationships I do with my 3 sons that have always treated me with love, respect and compassion.

Like all families we have been challenged, to the very core, with life's lessons. I must admit that there were times of feeling victimized...and there were times of nearly falling to complete despair. During those dark hours, it was my 3 boys that kept me hanging on, for giving up was just NEVER an option.

It has been said that it is darkest before the dawn. And because of this darkness, when the dawn comes, the light is more beautiful, bright, and can warm the soul for eternity.

We all have poignant events that happen in our lives; my dad getting cancer 4 years ago was a huge turning point for me as well as our family. It seemed to put in motion a compelling quest for me to become a completely authentic woman in all I stood for. This quantum leap for me was something of a necessity to sort out many years of inner darkness. I had desired to overcome and understand these black days off and on my whole life; and due to many miracles involving opportunities and people coming into my life I have come to know a deep peace. I suppose the peace I feel now was something that I always felt had alluded me, but perseverance has been afforded me by my great posterity of strength and character.



Our thoughts do make up our lives. And whether you view the universe as hostile or friendly you are right! The sadness and atrocities of this world will continue for there are lessons to be learned in every hardship and challenge. And when we come to embrace and accept life just exactly as it is, resisting no more, life will be joyful!







For those who have followed my blog for the last 5 years and related with my journey, I do hope that you have gained a certain amount of understanding, as well as a greatest amount of compassion for your friends, family and lovers. These things are tender and are all the things that life is made of...

LIttle Wonders

I find myself in this most unusual space of time. After having raised 3 beautiful, self-sufficient and thriving boys and running a successful business that continues, after my departure, is nearly surreal. I have gratitude beyond for the experiences I am having now, attending my Senior year of college at 50 years old, living with my youngest son who is also in his Senior year of engineering (much more demanding than my chosen major), and having time on my hands as I have never, no never possibly could have even imagine existed! The dichotomous changes that have occurred within such a short period of time have left me to my own thoughts of "why things are as they are," and "what can be learned from all these incredible experiences I have been blessed to have?"

Last January, only 10 short months ago I posted this youtube video (worth watching and contemplating). It was sent to me via facebook from my son Tandin who when he sent it to me, we certainly did not know we would be sharing this experience together, I could not have fathomed how these "twists and turns of fate" would transpire and land me where I am today. The poignant words from this song depict the beauty and nature of how life comes full circle...

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder
Dont you know the hardest part is over?
Let it in, let your clarity define you
In the end we will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain

Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine until you feel it all around you
And I dont mind if its me you need to turn to
We'll get by, its the heart that really matters in the end

All of my regret will wash away somehow
But I cannot forget the way I feel right now
In these small hours...

I came from a middle-class hard-working family. I was also rather privileged, I reflect now, truly realizing how "entitled" my ways of being and thinking really were. I now am comfortable and although resist at times the inconveniences of living in a small apartment, carrying laundry outside and down into this old frat house basement. I still find that doing dishes by hand are just a simple joy. Life is very simple. We choose our thoughts and we choose how happy or unhappy we are.

First World Problems

I had a friend text me last night to inquire how I was doing. After the usual social exchanges he admitted he was "tired and world weary." It was an honest confession for he has the intellect and experience to understand the state of our country.

Earlier during the day I spent a few hours with my sister and my mom and we had discussed many of these topics that become pressed upon our minds: state of the government shut down, democrats vs. republicans, gridlock, entitlements vs. true need, and it goes on, and on and on.

I live in a home that is 100 years old. The plumbing is not so good. We had everything from the sink, to the toilet backing up into the tub a couple nights ago. Low and behold after a visit from the plumber he fished a beer can out of the pipes. Yes, I live in a frat house! No, I have no idea how it got there or how long it has been living down there causing these on going problems, but Eureka! problem solved! The situation deemed it necessary for me to go stay one night at my mom's house. Running water and a toilet is something I enjoy!

I live with my son Tandin, we are finishing our Senior years of college together (yes, an awesome blessing and experience)!! I asked him if he wanted to go stay with me at Gma's. He declined and said to me, "This is a first world problem." 7-11, 3 blocks down was a convenient enough bathroom for him. Wow, and what perspective! What insight into how to choose to live and show up when life gets inconvenienced.

First World Problems. Things like not having internet service, bad cell phone reception, indoor plumbing. Perspective people. Perspective.

It's Right Around the Corner

Earlier this week I rode my bike to class and I snapped this picture. How beautiful--life in motion, as simple as it may be: to walk, to learn, to live.

This is the path I take as I ride my bike home from class in the evening hours, how enlightening, how perfect.

And today, the intention of the crowd, to experience "the game." They accept the idea that win or lose...this will be fun! Losing sucks but it IS part of the game.

My 3 boys are at the stadium enjoying a football game after some tailgating activity, 2 dogs are at my feet and I have plenty of studying and homework ahead.

This the the beautiful stadium across the street from where I live, and yes, love is always right around the corner, sometimes you just have to look really hard.

Unwritten

Matters of the Heart

Heber Valley, Utah

It is a majecstic Sunday morning. I sit in a beautiful lodge overlooking the Heber valley. The view from the deck is a mountain ridge, and off on the horizon there is a profile of a woman etched in the mountain. She is lying on her back, looking upwards towards the sky, her hair flows downward cascading from her forehead. We named her Vogue...for what a pose she strikes. Her given name is Utahna, and through the legends told about her and her lover, we may find an opportunity to develop meaningful connections in our world.

Utahna's profile can be seen by looking at the left side of this photo on the horizon

Another view of "Vogue" from the deck

If she were real, and she obviously is, her priority is to provide beauty and inspiration in our world. It is her destiny. The focus of her eyes point upward toward heaven. She never takes her focus of that which is her destiny. There are differing versions of her destiny:

"Red Eagle desires the beautiful Utahna, and will either achieve a great feat or lead her to believe he is a god in order to take her as a wife. Meanwhile, Utahna is either pursued by many for marriage, or chosen to present herself as a sacrifice to appease the gods and end the drought. The two become great lovers, but jealousy of others or Utahna's revelation that Red Eagle is not a god ends their happiness. The tale may end as jealous warriors ambush Red Eagle on Mount Timpanogos, causing him to fall to his death, and remain immortalized as the beautiful Emerald Lake. Utahna is so distraught at this news, she lies down on the mountain top and dies, hence the outline of a woman can be seen today."

"In alternate versions of the legend, Utahna proceeds to jump from Mount Timpanogos as a sacrifice for her people once she discovers Red Eagle has deceived her. Red Eagle's deceit is usually revealed after he is wounded by a bear, because gods would be invincible, and Utahna pities him and nurses him back to health. Utahna jumps from Mount Timpanogos as she was tasked to do, and Red Eagle finds her body taking it back into their home within the Timpanogos Cave system. His great sadness causes him to brood over her body, until the god Timpanogos has mercy on the lovers and joins their bleeding hearts into one, the "Great Heart" stalactite found in the Timpanogos Cave System. "

My friend that I spent this weekend with said to me, "you can be focused, but your priority may not serve you; and likewise, you may have the right priority but lack focus. " Ahhhh, profound words!

The yin and yang of life is most intriguing, I suppose we look for balance in all things. When it is there we feel whole. Just like nature, there is purpose in every living thing, we are all connected.

There is a butterfly that hangs over the door of the deck of this magnificent lodge,  the butterfly has significance for my friend, likewise butterflies have great significance for me as well. It was of surprise when I noticed it...and yet...maybe not.

"Interpreting animal symbolism is a powerful way to connect with nature, and learn lessons from her creatures - lessons that we can apply to our own lives. Observing the butterfly and learning her symbolic meanings offers us an opportunity to apply her movements to our own lives. For example, we can relate the butterfly's stages of life to our own life-phases...growing pains, times of ravenous hunger, times of vulnerability, moments of miraculous expansion. The more we seek symbolism in nature, the more we realize we have a lot in common with animals, insects and life in the wild realms. Indeed, we are intimately connected with the animal queen/kingdom - inseparable from nature and her movements."

As I moved over the last 2 weeks, I indeed experienced: growing pains, times of ravenous hunger, times of vulnerability and moments of miraculous expansion and discovery. I discarded or gave away most of my material possessions. It was a simple task to walk around my apartment and choose what meant something to me. If it was monetary and replaceable it no longer had value to me. Simple things such as pictures, mementos and books had meaning.

Where my priorities lie, and where I challenge myself now is this: 

staying focused on matters of the heart.

Enjoy The View

I grew up on a farm. I don't believe until the last two weeks I have ever appreciated or even comprehended the work of a farmer, the iron will of a farmer, the tenacity of a farmer...and the sheer exhaustion that a farmer endures year after year after year.

I suppose some years are better than others for a farmer, not much different than how life is better some years more than others. When true understanding takes place, there is pain that is just part of the road. When that pain seeps into every sinew of our mind, body and soul, well, then it is enlightening. Pain is a teacher. Necessary at times, and also unnecessary at times.

On our farm there was a mile country road from our house straight West to the church. It was a dirt road when I was a little girl, then it was paved, and then every few years they would gravel it. When I was little I loved walking down "the lane" (that's what we called it). My favorite time of year was just before harvest, the corn stalks were so tall on both sides of the lane.  It was a farmer's daughters enchanted forrest, and I loved it! It is hard to estimate how many times my family and I walked up and down that lane, together or separately, the simple walks each time brought a new experience.

A canal ran diagonally thru the lane and although I was told not to play in the canal, we (meaning my friends, cousins and my brother), would do it anyway. What great memories we have of that slimy canal, tubing, water skiing (motorcycle acting as boat), and swimming along with the slow current.

My parents biggest fear would be that one of us kids would fall in the canal and drown. Drowning was always the one death I feared more than all others, but I was a pretty good swimmer and often times my brother was around. I always knew if I got into a tight spot he would save me. I also knew he would get in more trouble for what ever mischief we were causing from my dad, the iron-man farmer.

I am now 50 years old and if I wrote 5 chapters of my life it would go something like this:

Chapter 1: I skipped down the lane. I fell in the canal. It wasn't my fault, I didn't even see it there. I got out.

Chapter 2: I ran down the lane. I saw the canal and fell in it anyway. It wasn't my fault. I got out.

Chapter 3: I raced down the lane, oblivious to the beauties around me. I saw the canal, fell in. It was my fault. I got out. I didn't even realize someone was there to help me.

Chapter 4: I walked down the lane, seeing some of the beauties around me, but I did not appreciate them. I saw the canal; and I went around it. I didn't realize the wisdom of what looking into the canal without falling in would bring me.

Chapter 5: I haven't walked down the lane yet, and in fact, rather than walking down the lane at all I would rather fly high up above, take it all in, that sacred land I grew up on, and just enjoy the view!

Surrender to what IS! Examination

Today begins the end of a long journey. 26 years ago in August 1987 we opened our first salon inside of my very good friend, Ryne Hazen's photo studio.  We hosted fashion shows and hair shows, held meetings, gave presentations...and performed hundreds of makeovers.

Ogden Phazes in the 1990's

Hair Show in the Ogden City Mall, 1990's

Christmas Motivational Staff Meeting, 1990's!

I had many a tears in my office, countless giggles, and some double-over belly laughs! I made lifelong friends, no enemies to my knowledge, and now tuck away all these memories, and return to exactly where I started. Spring to Summer to FAll, but WHere??

How blessed I have been to have all these life lessons; packaged up into more phazes than I can count. My 20's, egotistical and full of myself. My 30's, prospering, playing, raising boys, and searching for my place in the world, and my 40s, harsh realities, looking myself in the mirror, and asking the ever elusive question... Who AM I? and What do I want??? For some, their path is set, they never question or veer from what is before them. I admire and respect that. I also have love and respect for myself, for seeking my truth, and my path.

My life with family and business has always been intertwined. My family has supported me, and believed in me. They stood by me when they disagreed; they loved me when I failed, and they rejoiced when I succeeded.

I remember a conversation I had with my father, he said, "it's important that I am successful in life." What does that mean??...and now in the twighlights of their lives...I know what success is...for our family!

Dying in peace, Forgiving forgetting and forging forward. Loving without conditions; and  

Surrendering to  what IS!!

10 days from now I will begin my senior year at the University of Utah, living with my two youngest boys; our two dogs, Zion and PAC; and begin or rather complete another journey started many years ago.

All things come Full circle. Three and a half years ago, and 25 years before that, I started college and did not finish school, but started a business-- Phazes became my focus for a time, and my focus changes once again.

Look at your life and examine it, take little account as to whether your journey gave you an A of an F (I have had both). And then choose to LIVE, Joyfully and Authentically! It is your choice. Always.~

Examination 

No Place Like Home

Yesterday was my birthday. 50Th! My weekend was filled with joy... 

 

my boys and the doggies,

 my family,

 

my friends.

 

Saturday, bright and early my son Chase, proposed--professed his unwavering devotion to Lauren.

 The love, heartache, relief, hope and honor displayed was truthful,

 and intimate (even though Tandin (brother) filming, and Steve (balloon friend pilot) was navigating.

 I huffed and puffed as I filmed their landing, running through fields, Zion in tow...

 ...and it seemed like something out of the Wizard of Oz as my babies landed...

only to share in the good news that, there is NO place like home (our hearts).

Zion was picked up and returned safely and coincidentally, (NOT), by This father and son. 

They spotted Zion running through the fields and thought it was their Boston, Roxee! 

Yes their other dog's name...Dozer. 

We shared stories of our dynamic duos, and I walked away with gladness in my heart knowing that 

the two yeawhoo's were with us in every way, 

YES, they were there, sharing what they were so much a part of 

when Chase returned home 5 years ago.

Tj's house fire, May 2011

This pic does evoke emotion for me, these times were hard, none of us could understand why life seemed to be tumbling down around all of us in every way, 

Roxee, Me and Dozer when they were pups

...yet more understanding comes each day, and I accept and know that things are exactly as they should be. I am grateful and blessed beyond.

Our lives unfold like stories and we live in them, and learn from them, and live now, in the present, digesting it all and rejoice in all of it, the heartache, the love, the pain and the pleasure, for without it...where would the meaning be??

As for me? I am ready,

ready to put my boots up

and see where Red Shoes, committed love, and living right in the midst of 

"no place like Home," takes me!

I have a daughter, she came to me years ago and I asked her to please write to my son Chase while he was on his mission. Our entire family needed this perfect young lady in our lives. 

She has a beautiful authentic mother, my friend April that has given Lauren qualities of innocence, beauty and a love for others unconditionally that we all share.

Me, Lauren, April and so sweet, so perfect Catherine!

 

 

 

What a day...what a life...there is no place like home!

 

Vulnerability and Trust

I'm in this really odd space in time, reaching to define myself, getting in touch with my greatness at the same time excavating how honest i am with myself and others. Trying to get real with why i do the things i do, and checking myself for my truthfulness and purpose. It's hard stuff...AND awesome living...

I have honest--sometimes painful people in my life that help me be a better me! I gravitate to those who make me feel good. Do you do the same? I write about these things for me, and desire for you as you read, to look at yourself by connecting with my words from your personal stand point.

When I am uncomfortable I stay with it until it is resolved on my part. The part I own in a relationship is my own, the other persons part is theirs. My natural knowing draws me to those who are being real, being real with me and with themselves, it's easier to reciprocate when there is equity in a relationship.

I don't have to be in charge anymore. Control was something I was brought up with and giving it up is freedom. I am being me by allowing and loving those around me to be exactly who they are...again, freedom...
...for everyone.

Relationships are what life is made of, and why we are motivated to do what we do. And TRUST is the foundation.

Great Connections

What a great few days it has been connecting with new friends and old friends. 

 Certain things in life, while they are happening may seem rather insignificant and yet upon examination become poignant, 

surreal 

and come 

full circle. 

I'll be turning 50 shortly and i know that where i am is exactly where i was meant to be. 

I have let go of bad habits, bad people, bad relationships and bad karma. I have wonderful relationships, profound ways of thinking--constructive ways of getting things done...and letting things be--i accept myself, my past and enjoy living each moment. I trust the future to bring whatever is necessary for me to grow, contribute, serve and love unconditionally. I give my love freely and it comes back easily. I love myself enough to say "no" and recognize and follow my instincts.

Many life lessons for me have been harsh and necessary. If you have lived 50ish years you have no doubt experienced the same?! some i brought about. I own that i, in fact, teach others how to treat me. I give away what i cannot control and allow the world around me to be a peaceful place.

I thank You, God, and the Universe for sharing my journey...may this day and every day be one of gratitude.