Winter's Stage of Life

It has been months since I have been able to write. I rely on inspiration and rawness when I write.....these emotions seem to have been fleeting. Today I will try..try to see if anything that is in my heart and mind, may be of benefit to put on paper and project out to the world, via, a blog.

Today I settle in.. IN to a reality that if given the chance to change, I probably would. Not that it would be the best decision, but I believe, WE all have a tendency to gravitate to the known. My life is not bad right now, actually, far from it, but because of divorce, change in career, new friends, another bed to sleep in, well, it is all very different, different from what I am accustomed to. 

I’m 50something, and for some odd reason, I would like some familiarity surrounding me, i.e., hearing my kids come through the back door, having an employee sit in my office and cry (or bitch), being overwhelmed with more physical and emotional work than I felt I had strength for, but somehow always mustering it up! Now,.. where I am Now, none of this familiarity is possible, and how addicted I have been to the dysfunctional aspect(s) of life. Now, yes, I have NOW simplified my life, I have changed everything that was familiar.

I chose. We each choose. We make choices, every day, and the consequences come, either quickly or slowly, each consequence can be met with awful trepidation and resilience. Over the past 6 years I have posted 16 blogs about “change” and 24 about “acceptance”. It seems logical that I have anticipated these themes to be BIG in my life.

I am in my 50’s now. It is the “NOW WHAT” stage of life.. I raised 3 beautiful boys, and they are in full swing now, instigating successful and happy lives of their own. I personally have lived a remarkable and full life, filled with worldly success and diverse experiences. Yet after contemplation and severe reality checks, I realize that it is now the Winter stage of my life and I am trying to adjust.

My Winter stage of life.. it is quiet, still, simple, beautiful, lonely and confusing. In the Spring of my life I had purpose; my home, family, business and friends needed me. Summer came and I was still in full swing, in heated pursuit of creating worldly success and pushing my offspring to happiness. Then the Fall season came and the harvest seemed robust and colorful, it was also fleeting and filled with hard work, taking care of all that I had worked so hard for.

Then Winter rolled in and it was time for assessment, discovery and stillness.

I love the Winter when the snow falls crisply, cleans the air and makes everything look brisk..... everything is poignant..

..and still. 

But the truth is I also pause... for when the Winter sky turns grey and I yearn for a sliver of sunlight,  I’m not sure what is ahead..but my hope is always for peace, love, acceptance and understanding...I have that, well most of that, 

and I am blessed...I hope that for you too...it is alway, ALWAYS about the Journey.

The Circle of Life

I have said so many, MANY times before that things come full circle in life. I am experiencing yet another one of those situations as I now live again with my mother for a time.  Her house is quaint, one that anyone would love living in because it has charm and a warmth that only a Mother can provide. I have needed this warmth and time of healing for a very long time, and there is no one else that can do this for me like my Mother.

Mom is a funny sort, literally funny. She laughs and we laugh together, she is a jokester at heart. Growing up with my Mom has so many delightful memories..she loved playing tricks on people, silly things that kept everyone in stitches, fake throw up by the toilet, fake mice that she hooked up by a string, hid and then as you walked by she would pull it across in front of you, and you danced like nobody’s business; and loads creating an explosion in cigarettes of co-workers at Evan’s Grain where she worked for 18 years.

 

A typical look from Mom

After Evan’s Grain Mom joined Phazes Salon & Day Spa and spent 24 years by my side. At times tensions were high because we were so consumed with business. No one had our back like my Mom. She always stood for principle and at times would challenge an employee or customer if they were taking advantage of us. She is a woman that never backs down on what she believes in, and family blood runs through her veins more than anyone I know. She will defend her children, grandchildren, parents and siblings like no bodies business. In truth she’s not always popular, because she says what she feels and lives what she preaches. I find this rare these days.

The integrity and commitment I have in my life is due to the example she has set for our family and me. This is a woman that hates pomp and circumstance, particulary if it is over her. I admire that in this day and age when so many of us seek the approval and attention from worldly matters.

 

Sherry, Mom and me

I never comprehended how much my mother loved me until I had my first born son T.J.. I remember calling my Mom from the hospital after I delivered and saying to her, “I never knew you loved me this much.” The love of a mother is second to none, other than God’s love for us, which, I suppose, is uncomprehendable. He did give us families after all. I cannot imagine life without my family, and I am sure you feel no different. I have been blessed with not just good parents but great parents. They started as teenagers back in the 50’s. Times were different then and work was a plenty. I know few women that worked harder up until she retired than my Mom. This woman labored and found satisfaction in it. She began working full time when I was 3 years old. When she came home from work she cleaned and cooked (another second to none), sewed clothes for us kids, washed window every month, played with us, talked to us, took Sherry and I shopping and made family trips fun.

Another typical scene..Mom cooking in the kitchen. (look at those homemade rolls) 

My Mom is grey now and still beautiful, and, I know my mother will die some day, and I will miss her terribly. It will also be a day of celebration for her because she will be able to rest from her labors. She has sacrificed much and deserves rest from this world. That may sound morbid for we are uncomfortable speaking of death but I have become somewhat comfortable with the thoughts of a beautiful life after death. I have many loved ones on that other side and someday we will all join them.. and Oh what a good day that will be!

Can We Live till We Die?

It has been said that we reap what we sow. Is this true? Aren't we imperfect beings, trying to do the best we can, and yet we fall short so often. Why is this? Is this the natural man, to make mistakes? And when we make these mistakes, what do we do with them? Do we learn from them, blame others, become cynical? I often wonder about how life comes full circle. We live in a magnificent world, full of awe and wonder..and how easy it is to let it pass us by when we are so inundated with the fullness of life.

Today I sit and watch my boyfriend with his father. I am loving him all the more as he so tenderly but firmly does physical therapy with his father after knee surgery. We flew to Phoenix during an especially busy time in our lives because after all, there is nothing more important, worthwhile and fulfilling than family.

  

How beautiful is the providence, that as children we have the opportunity to care for our parents in much the same way as our parents cared for us.

Kevin with his dad, Tom getting his knee back in shape

How tender a moment when father and son once again play ball

I think of how awesome God is, in all His majesty, power and tenderness to supply His children with this planet, surrounded in understanding for our weaknesses and giving us all we need, even when we don’t think so. I do believe, as hard is at may seem at times, things are as they should be, for our own good.

Three weeks ago today my father, who has terminal cancer got an infection that nearly took his life. His will to live, his pure stamina and strength after having fought stage 4 cancer for the past three and a half years has been miraculous and a blessing. 

The morning after a frightful night

My father battled back after a night of hovering between life and death, only to rise the next morning, sitting up in the ICU unit, laughing and teasing in his usual manner. His comment to me this last week as he is recovering in Assisted Care was, "I'm going to live until I die." This can be interpreted differently, what Dad's meaning is, he WILL LIVE, choosing to enjoy, never to give up,  making sure that the fields that he has planted will be harvested. God chooses when we depart from this life. We choose what we sow and, well, you know the rest of the story..

The Sweetest Things in Life are Free

There are days that I still yearn for some kind of familiarity, my old couch, the kitchen I cooked countless meals in for my family, my office, my staff that became my friends. My neighbors that cared for me. And particularly, particularly, my grandogs, Dozer and Roxee that delighted me in ways that only unconditional love from Dogs can be had.

For 3 solid years, change has whipped at me with such velocity i often times felt I would be sucked into the vacuum, never to return. Today is different, today I have hope for a bright future.

I have always spoken openly and candidly about my trials, it has been a source of healing to express myself. It has also been my deepest desire that someone who has read my words may be touched in their own personal way and found strength.

It is a humbling experience, after the dust settles in life, to sit within your own reality and be accountable for the mistakes you've made in life. These are hard times, necessary for growth, and I am grateful for the challenges that have brought me character.

My greatest blessing is the relationship I have with each one of my boys.

The 3 boys when they were younger!

They have stood by me, believed in me, and loved me unconditionally. I was a grown woman, needy and also trusting enough to cry in my sons arms when I was at my lowest. Tandin took me in when there was no where to go, he allowed me to heal, and never lost Faith in me. He mourned along with me as we shared our little apartment together, had talks about school, experienced frustrations when Pac (the menace grandog), didn't mind, and plain just knew where each other was in every way without speaking a word. These months with him I will cherish all the days of my life.

Tan & Me during a hike after a long day of studies

Today is a new chapter in my life. I have love, God and family that surround me and support me.

May I just say this in parting.. Trials and challenges of life teach us the life lessons that mold us. I will be forever indebted to God, my family and friends for believing in me and loving me. The sweetest things in life are free.

Blind-Eyed Faith

I've looked into these eyes many times for comfort, understanding, unconditional love and peace. I have whispered to my baby girl late at night or in the middle of the afternoon when I could not get out of bed, "You're my best friend."

It's strange what we find comfort in, oh yes, it is most often the smallest of things. Zion now weighing in at just under 11 pounds has my heart wrapped around hers for she has been by my side almost non-stop from shopping, sleeping, and working to playing, listening, and comforting. I got this Bug-Eyed Baby when her entire Self fit in the palm of my hand 10 years ago. Having her come into my life was heaven-sent sheer inspiration for my heart needed healing while I was on a personal hiking retreat in Zion's Canyon.

Zion and I have taken many road trips together, just the two of us. Our bonding time began as we made our journey home together for the first time, she was 9 weeks old, 5 inches long, tender yet the spit-fire-runt of the litter. On our first journey home from Southern Utah she was tiny enough to ride on the top of my shoulder. Her head was so big compared to her body that when she drank from the water bowl the gravity of her head made her hind legs come off the floor. Oh how I loved this dog from the moment I set eyes on her, but now, now, the love and healing I have received from and through her runs through my blood.

Life changes. We change. Our dogs get older. They go blind. Zion is going blind and a dagger has pierced my heart for I see and feel her fear now as she is trying to navigate her way through murky eyes. She is tenacious and will adjust. She is still playing soccer like Nobody's business. She is also feeling her way by the touch of her nose, the sounds that she hears and the shadows that she sees.

We mourn these things when we see those we love suffer. I suppose that we particularly protect, and feel a great sense to safeguard those who cannot do it for themselves. Little children. Animals. What is so heart wrenching is I cannot explain to her what is happening, nevertheless we love, live and laugh through blind-eyed faith each day and hold on to the sweet moments...

Indoor Soccer w/ Zion

Your Own Reality

I have been wondering...actually experiencing from a peculiar standpoint a rather strange shift, actually seeing some monumental ways in which people and our world are changing. Have you felt it too?..or is it just me living in my own little bubble, perceiving things differently because I am different. The personal experiences and transformation I have lived over the past few years has given me cause to reflect and a desire to share.

I will be the first to admit I have cycled through fear and trust so many times that my entire existence felt like it was on a repeated wash, rinse and dry cycle! And I do feel cleaner for the wear! I also feel less heavy because of the succession of purging old habits and thought patterns. Undoubtedly, I often visit in the recesses of my brain, old notions of right and wrong, good and bad, and my assessment of what constitutes happiness and sadness.

Consider where your mind feels the most peaceful between premodern, modern and postmodern views. Inspect for a moment where your strongest (and possibly only) perspective lies. Is it premodern, where your view of reality is guided mostly from human history; and that what you see and are told is and must be as they really are, seeing all things that are in your mind as FACT? For those who live this way your assumptions are so fundamental to your thinking you could not even fathom that they are assumptions. Do you align more with a modern view where diversity is legitimate and no one is necessarily right or wrong, but there are "different strokes for different folks."

Is a Dandelion a weed or a flower?

When I was a little girl i loved the beautiful yellow flowers in my grandma's yard. I would play joyfully on the grass while these yellow beauties made me happy. I was intensely disappointed when i found out that they were a, so called nuisance, and someone would be spraying them to kill them off! Which brings me to the postmodern view, which is a tough one to wrap our mortal minds around...all that is "real" are the images and thoughts we get through our own points of view.

May i offer a thought for you to consider that may enlighten your perspective of how you exist in the scheme of the whole? I have a heart, lungs, liver, kidneys and eyes. Each of these components of my body have a particular job to do and none of these parts can survive or have any use unless they are used as parts of my whole body. If I'm not mistaken you are no different. And yet these parts of mine/yours could be used/transplanted to another person's body to help them sustain their lives, nevertheless the organs in and of themselves without a body have no purpose. We may believe that if our heart is bad we will assuredly die (which we all do), but had no one ever consider the possibility that we could live with another persons heart many would have died earlier. Just think of the possibilities that have occurred because we transformed a pre modern view to modern and post modern.

I invite you to watch this short video clip and entertain the possibility that the present is a "map in which all the ways the present can reinvent itself (Silva)." I have at times experienced this "flow state" where existing in the "zone" was a connection to something or someone bigger than myself. As for me I call it inspiration from God and tapping into our own magnificence through His awesomeness. What ever you call it, or whether you believe it or not...well, is your own reality.