Addiction Part I

 Two years ago was the lowest i'd ever been in my life, and i've had my share of lows. I had moved to a new apartment and sworn off hard alcohol. I can't stand the taste of beer but it was the lesser of 2 evils to satiate my addiction. Oh sure, every morning for the previous 7 years i would go to bed and promise myself i would never take another drink. I got through a few of those days, even went through awful withdrawals several times. One detox attempt got so bad that for 2 hours i was sure i was dying, and for some reason i was begging God to let me live. That particular detox was spent with my mother at my side and hitting my knees several times an hour repeating..."help me, help me, help me." I was in sheer desperation feeling as though i needed to die to get out of my pain..i thought of how it would effect my kids.

My frequent attempts to quit drinking were so many i could not count, and then it happened..i had been drinking beer through the night to try to realize some sleep. Alcohol is a sleep disrupter, and waking up every couple of hours was all i knew. I'm not sure how many hours of sleep i got that night but it wasn't much. Beer couldn't knock me out like the hard liquor. 

I had a doctor's appointment at 8:30 a.m., and not feeling drunk i drove to my appointment. Because of a situation that was plaguing our family I was having cross words with my sister on the drive, and unnerved to say the least. When i pulled up to the parking space, by mistake i hit the gas, hard, instead of the brake. It threw me into the front of the building in front of me and took out the front end of the car i was driving from the dealership. 

Not long after the cops were swarming me and i took a trip to the emergency room and got myself a very very expensive DUI.

I found myself with no job to go to, no car and the love of my life had had enough. 

To be continued...

Addiction Part II

  ...Continued from Addiction Part 1

How could this have happened? In one fell swoop i managed to lose my license, lose my boyfriend and lose my job. What was i to do? My mom called and i would answer sometimes, but most of all i wanted to hide. My boys were pretty much through with my bad behavior as well as Kevin, my boyfriend, and seeing that there was nothing they could do, they all stayed away...hoping this was the answer to many prayers on my behalf to get sober. I had hit rock bottom.

Two days after the accident i went to my doctor and she immediately sent me to the hospital to detox. I was there for 3 days, but as soon as i got home i went straight to the gas station to buy more beer.  I continued to drink by going to the gas station (i had no car and no license) nearby and buy an 18 pack of beer for the day. I still had a little money in my bank account, but not much. I made sure i never ran out of beer because staying numb was the only way i could cope at the time.

Upon my release at the hospital there had been arrangements for me to get a new Doc. My new Doc was a Psychiatrist instead of a Physicians Assistant. My first appointment with my new Doc was two and a half hours of disclosing my mental health issues that had plagued me my whole life and my addiction. It became apparent to me i had tried to play doctor to myself for years (self medicating). Over the years i had done plenty of adjusting my own meds in a desperate attempt to not have another crash.

My new Psyche talked to me about something called co-morbidity and that mental health issues and addiction go hand in hand in the attempt to self medicate. I'd never heard of such a thing, i just always took myself for a weak person and conquering my addiction was constantly gnawing away at me. 

Adjustments to my medication were slowly made and within 3 months i was on a new regimen, including a once a month shot (vivitrol) that prohibited me from feeling any type of euphoria from alcohol. I no longer could get drunk even when i tried. And try i did, for the first week, i felt nothing but rotton when i took a drink. I was to take this terribly expensive shot once a month for a year, and the science shows that after a period of time the grooves in my brain that told me to drink would be making other pathways.

To be continued...

Addiction Part III

  ...Continued from Addiction Part II 

Addiction and depression are so indescribable unless you've been there and lived it, and i had lived it. Was i trying to self medicate all these years just to try to feel what i had hoped would be normal? For as early as Jr. High days i'm not sure what normal was supposed to feel like. I can say that the numerous highs i have been on are intoxicating. I am never more creative, energetic and happy than when i go into a manic phase. Unfortunately they are always followed by a crushing low. The lows are enough to make you want to just run, run as if a bear were chasing you down and there is no way out. The bear always wins, because what ever goes up, eventually must come down. Thats' called bipolar depression. 

Make no mistake, chemical depression is a whole different ball game than situational depression. Situational depression is caused by some circumstance in your life that makes you feel sad. A chemical depression crash is a lack of chemicals in your brain and all the joy is sucked out of life and you feel like you'd rather not take another breath, because life just hurts. I've had these crashes many many times throughout my life. Since i have been seeing my psychiatrist i have had very few crashes and they have been short lived. I rarely ever think about drinking now and the smell of alcohol haunts me. 

Addiction Part IV

  ...Continued from Addiction Part III

In the 1930's scientist started to study addiction. It was believed then that addictics were morally weak and had no willpowers. New science has corrected that belief, however the general judgment is still from the 30's and more education is needed. Despite the advances in research many people do not understand why people become addicted to substances and how these substances change the brain to bring about the compulsive behavior.

Scientist now know that addiction is a disease that affects both the brain and behavior. The initial decision to use drugs or alcohol is voluntary. The down side is no one knows who will become addicted. Research shows if you have addiction in your family you are more suseptable The brain is a communication center made up of billions of neurons. Each nerve cell in the brain sends and receives messages in the form of electrical and chemical signals. Drugs and alcohol affect the brain by tapping into its communication system and interfering with the way neurons normally send, receive, and process information.

There is still more research to be done and much more education, preventative care and access to a medically assited means for beating addiction. For me it's very simple. I now take a little pill called Naltrexone that works the same way as the vivitrol shot. It prevents me from feeling any pleasure if i were to take a drink. Why would i ever drink if there is no pleasure?

My family never gave up on me, and Kevin and i eventually weathered the storm. My relationships are stronger than they have ever been because i am sober. There is no better feeling than being true to yourself, living with guilt and shame is no way to live.

If you are battling addiction or any kind of mental illness there is help and hope. The first step is your ability to make the decision you don't want to live in bondage from addiction any longer. There is a way to no longer feel guilt and shame. There is help and you cannot do it alone.

It feels great to not be ashamed to tell my story...now, well,  life is good.

https://www.samhsa.gov/medication-assisted-treatment/medications-counseling-related-conditions