Golden Moments

I went to church yesterday. Honestly, I didn't listen to many of the words spoken. But the piano solo, oh, the beautiful music...took me to a better place. I thought of people I love walking streets of gold. For just those golden moments I was with them.

While here when I visit them it is just stone and grass. Today is memorial day, when we are to traditionally remember our loved ones who have passed on. I remember them often.

We have golden moments, but that is what life is made of...many moments.

The Blue pits

"Are you going to the Senior Cotillion?"
"No, I don't think so. It's $25 bucks!"
"Well, I'll pay if you decide to go!"

Later that night...decked out in black dress slacks, black dress shirt, and a black ball cap turned backwards. He's going! This is my baby. I am grateful, I want him to enjoy everything. I think he pretty much has.

12:28 p.m: "We are going to sleep on the blue pits." (I know what these are, you fall on them after high jump or pole vaulting.)
"Ok, did you have fun?"
"We had a blast!"
"I will probably be home about 4:00 or 5:00."
"Ok, be safe."

2:02 p.m.~is he really on the blue pits? Is he making out with some girl? Nooo. Right now they are all laying on the blue pits talking and laughing. Go back to sleep.~

3:13 p.m.~oh I hope he still on those blue pits having a great time! Memories in the making. He will remember these days forever. I wish I could go see what they are doing. Hear what they are saying. He better still be on those blue pits! If not, oh I hope he is just safe. I hope he is home soon. He said 4:00 or 5:00. What time is it again? ~

My dream: My baby is about 3 versions of himself at about age 9-10. I look at all 3 of him all at once and I am confused, why are there 3? All 3 are soooo delightful.

4:58 p.m.~he better be home by now! I'm going to check! Breath deep, he is.

The little Purple book

I HAD TWO EPIPHANIES...in one week!

True intelligence operates silently. Stillness is where creativity and solutions to problems are found.
~Stillness Speaks - Eckhart Tolle (little purple book)

I have read this many times out of this 'fav' book of mine. This time I realized how noisy I have been in my mind.

Second epiphany? Mmm personal.

A whiter shade of pale

It is a dreary day. Sleep was unpleasant last night. Dreams were elusive.

I keep thinking this grey fog in my brain is lifting. Then I try to have a conversation with an employee and I cannot finish a sentence without brain freeze. I try to open a spread sheet of numbers and I go absolutely stupid. It's maddening! I stay away from any hard core work a little longer. I do mindless activities, read, sleep, and write. I also over think.

Here is something I "over thought" yesterday...My 93 year old grandpa is in the hospital. First time in his life! I went to see him the last couple of days. Grandma is 91. They are amazing. I grew up on a farm with them. They were always around, they were just two people you counted on. When people get old you have a tendency to ignore or forget them. I am no different. I have however gotten to know my grandpa more. I am grateful for this piece of the puzzle that I have put together in my life. For one, I have gotten to know a very sweet and funny man. I was always rather intimidated by him growing up, he was always so serious. Two, he lost his father at the age of eight. It was a bizarre "accident" of which more has come out about as the years go by. It was painful to Grandpa. I am sure this is where I have inherited my mood disorder.

How do we let go? Loss I am familiar with. It does not get easier, you hope you just get more poised with it.

Sometimes although my eyes were open, they might just have well been closed. There is no reason, and the truth is plain to see. When we turn a whiter shade of pale.

Your White Form

"Could you fill out your white form please?" "Sure." I answer.

I didn't know I HAD a white form. I guess I have been coming here so long I can take ownership of it...In the past two weeks have you felt down, depressed, blah blah...
Have you slept less or more than usual, blah blah. Has your appetite increased or decreased, blah, blah. Have you felt bad about yourself to the point it has interfered with your normal life, blah blah. Have you thought about harming, that is killing yourself, blah, blah? Most the time on "tests" you want a high score, on this test if you score 0, you have been in happy land.

I have been in happy land plenty of times, not today. I drug along my journal from yesterday, entitle My Anger Entry to read to Dr. D.. I felt if I read it out loud I could purge it and let it go. I let a lot go in his office. It helped. Somehow I always see a new perspective on either a new or old emotion.

I do not always get a new perspective. Sometimes I just need to be heard with no judgment. Sometimes it feels good to be validated. Dr. D. does not always validate me, which is good. But he always accepts me.

I have 2 doc's. Dr. C. and Dr. D.. Dr. C. prescribes my med's which I currently take 2 med's in the anti-seizure classification and 1 med in the anti-depressant classification. I have had Dr. C. for about 1 1/2 years now and Dr. D. for about 18 years. I love both of them. They are excellent doc's.

I was diagnosed bi-polar a few years ago. I'm not ashamed of it. I could care less who knows. It's not as if I can help it or it is my fault. I do not use it as an excuse. I love to joke about it when I am healthy. When I am chemically imbalanced (sick) I generally just retreat until I feel better. I am familiar with the routine. Unfortunately I have lived it for most of my life. I am now just grateful to understand it. I am also grateful that the downs are few.

So if you should find yourself filling out any kind of WHITE FORM or be it blue, pink or fuscia and they are trying to do "meter a mood" on you. Don't worry about it. Take a deep breath and be freakin' proud of yourself that you had the guts to get help! Most people just wallow in their own pride and misery and think it is going to go away. It doesn't. It calluses over. Those are the people that scream at you when you are driving. Are critical of everyone and everything. Make everything about them because they are hurting for attention or are just your neighborhood grumps. Remember this and send those people loves...and a white form.

A streak of RED

Have you ever watched a javelin? If it is thrown properly its trajectory is beautiful. So confident, as if it always knew exactly the place it was going to land before it ever arrived. Those who throw it the best in the world are throwing it football field lengths, can you imagine?

My son started throwing the javelin this year, his last year of high school. His personal record was 160.7 ft. He was ranked 5th going into the state meet, he ended up placing 7th when all was said and done. Fabulous for a first year performance.

The winning throw for the 4A boys went to the poor soul who threw further than anyone expected at the time, particularly the cameraman who was surprised when it ended up in his leg. They nearly disqualified this kid because he "left the area" throwing up because he was upset. I would be upset as well had I saw streaks of red trickling down a leg from a sphere I had just thrown.

Red is a color that represents excitement. It also represents anger or possibly romance. Do you get just streaks of this color in your life or an abundance? Red is an awesome color. I like it very much. Lately I have had none, but I was grateful to see the streak of red fly from my sons hand through the air. It's not really the javelin that is so beautiful it is him. This child has a lot of Red in him. I like it.