A whiter shade of pale

It is a dreary day. Sleep was unpleasant last night. Dreams were elusive.

I keep thinking this grey fog in my brain is lifting. Then I try to have a conversation with an employee and I cannot finish a sentence without brain freeze. I try to open a spread sheet of numbers and I go absolutely stupid. It's maddening! I stay away from any hard core work a little longer. I do mindless activities, read, sleep, and write. I also over think.

Here is something I "over thought" yesterday...My 93 year old grandpa is in the hospital. First time in his life! I went to see him the last couple of days. Grandma is 91. They are amazing. I grew up on a farm with them. They were always around, they were just two people you counted on. When people get old you have a tendency to ignore or forget them. I am no different. I have however gotten to know my grandpa more. I am grateful for this piece of the puzzle that I have put together in my life. For one, I have gotten to know a very sweet and funny man. I was always rather intimidated by him growing up, he was always so serious. Two, he lost his father at the age of eight. It was a bizarre "accident" of which more has come out about as the years go by. It was painful to Grandpa. I am sure this is where I have inherited my mood disorder.

How do we let go? Loss I am familiar with. It does not get easier, you hope you just get more poised with it.

Sometimes although my eyes were open, they might just have well been closed. There is no reason, and the truth is plain to see. When we turn a whiter shade of pale.