The Fear Flower Factor

I have not been a TV watcher for several years. When I was, Fear Factor was one of the programs that we watched occasionally. I guess being in a house full of boys that was one that would draw the crowd. Now the segment where the participants had to eat THINGS was of particular amusement to me. I really hate sensationalism and this was to me, 'sensationalism' at its finest. Menu: Eyeballs, worms, sour goat milk mixed with bull testicles, (oh, I'm fixing that tomorrow for dinner, everyone welcome r.s.v.p. in the comment box).

This picture is of Peppermint. Doesn't it give you a Warm Feeling? That is what Peppermint stands for. Isn't that what this season is meant for? To bring about warm feelings for one another? For all man kind???

A man was trampled to death at a retail store on black Friday by crowds FEARING they would not be the ones to win the deal. Yes, this is true, it happened in our country! I quote from an article out of the New York Times, "I think it ties into a sort of fear and panic of not having enough." I ask, when is enough ENOUGH?

We have often said in our family "if money can fix it, it's NOT a PROBLEM". Losing your health, that's a problem! Losing a loved one, that's a problem! Perspective, losing that, IS a problem! Fighting within a family, that's a problem! You CAN be poor and be happy. Ego and Fear get in the way of so many many things. I have a lot of personal experience with both.

I have 'chats' with myself many nights as I lay down to sleep and it goes something like this...How well did you show LOVE today? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well apparently Fear has been a Factor for you today. Try again tomorrow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Within the Silver Lining

Happy Birthday Beautiful Child of Mine! T.J.(Tyson Joe) we call him Teej, I'm into one syllable names, is 28 years old today. I actually had him the day before Thanksgiving. So at 17 years old I spent my Thanksgiving in the hospital. I remember after I had him I was so excited so to celebrate I ate the hospitals Thanksgiving dinner shortly after delivery, in which it came up as quickly as it went down.

Even though at 16 I was devastated to find myself pregnant this child was the delight of my life. We seemed to form a bond early in life possibly because I was a child raising a child. He intuitively was so concerned for me and I was a protective Mother Bear of him. When he was 3 years old we lived with my parents and he played his rendition of happy birthday to me on the piano including vocals. Priceless!

I would say that life has not been easy for Tj or even for me for that matter. I'm not crying the blues one bit, what I am saying is that this IS LIFE. We have been very happy through the challenges. Happiness is a CHOICE. Bitter and ornery people are a pain.

My sister shared something with me just the other day that I thought was very profound: What are you willing to let go of in order to get what you want. T.J. had to let go of a drug habit. This is a big question for many of us. One that I suggest we all contemplate...

T.J.'s journey has only just begun, he has his whole life ahead of him and it looks as if amongst his tough beginning there is a silver lining...

Yellow Brick Roads

This is my husband and his best friend. It was my husbands birthday yesterday, maybe we are getting to the age (47) that he wouldn't want me to say how old he is! My husband is a very devoted friend and he loves to serve others. I am sure this is why he has been successful in our business, he truly loves people.

Dave is in Egypt working he will be returning home next summer. We met Dave when we moved into our first home 22 years ago. Our children were young; they had only one child, whom we now call our 4th child. He in fact comes to see us more than our own children!

We have shared many roads with Dave, like the ones to Vegas and California, even ones when we did not know where we were going! I don't believe we will be traveling to Egypt however. We have traveled roads of heartache for him, he has traveled them for us, for our children, and for other family members as well, this is what you do with lifetime friends.

I'm not exactly sure what it was that made me take my unconscious 8 month old child who had nearly drown in the tub to Dave's house, but he heard my screams from my house across the yard. He told me to call 911 and after Dave gave the first breath I started the rest of the CPR, which we were blessed enough to have a favorable outcome.

I cannot explain why some things work out and why they don't at other times. That same summer 20 years ago there were 2 other bath tub drowning's, one died, the other had severe brain damage. I felt guilty so many times and wondered why I was so lucky to have this perfect child. But you know we never know what is on our yellow brick road and at some time we have to meet the Oz...

A Melancholy Flower

I love symbolism. Just as color can bring about certain emotions, flowers have certain meanings. The daisy means innocence and loyal love. A crimson rose depicts mourning. I have felt melancholy for the past several weeks, this flower does not look too melancholy to me. I can fool people as well; I have many times throughout my life.

To live deeply, to live and really feel, is this wrong? Is there a problem? Would you say that Beethoven lived deeply, expressed himself to the extreme through music? How about Vincent van Gogh, what a wide range of paintings and drawings he gave us to enjoy. You can feel his moods reflective in all of them. The humor of Robin Williams and Jim Carey, over the top? Isn't that what we love so much about them? These people with bipolar disorder have clearly been more demonstrative as human beings and we have been the beneficiaries in my opinion.

Regardless of who you are, how you deal with life's challenges, what means of expression you choose to display emotions, it is all very personal and there is not a right or wrong way to do this.

When I am melancholy I choose to keep more to myself. There is a pain inside that aches in my chest, yet no pain killer is available. Sleep is the only freedom from this awful state of existence. Yes it is a form of escape. Yes I have thoughts that oblivion would be a reprieve, but I know that this too shall pass...I will see it through. There is always something to learn during what I have come to know as my humility calls.

A Blanket of Flowers for Every Season

This blanket of flowers is as it should be...beautiful, supreme, colorful. Whatever IS could not be otherwise. That does not always make life easier, but somehow understanding that there is purpose in all things helps. At least it does for me. In most cases, I believe we cannot begin to understand what role a seemingly senseless event may have within the vastness of the whole; there is interconnectedness in all things. Nothing that happens is an isolated event; it only appears to be. The more we judge and label it, the more we isolate it. I do believe that all things happen for a reason and that people come in and out of our lives to help us, teach us, and love us in different ways that we never could have experienced any other way.

This was an email I just received...it's beautiful and poignant.

Just as people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support. To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are...

They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Sowin' some Wild Oats

Does anyone know what these weeds are? They are wild oats. Anyone sowed any wild oats before, maybe carrying on a little now, or have teenagers doing it at this moment? I relate, I've been there, done all of it. Wild oats, I wonder where the expression comes from???

When is it appropriate to make a decision for someone else? When you are a parent this is such a difficult decision. The love you have for your children is beyond comprehension and sometimes you can see the destructive behavior and patterns that your children may be falling into. I had some wonderful advise that stuck with me early while I was raising my first teenager that seemed to feel right to me. I suppose it was the way I wanted to be treated. It was this: by the time a child is 12-13 years old you have taught them who they are going to be. When tough situations reveal themselves, and there will be many, unless the situation is life sustaining or altering save the relationship and be their friend, don't be the heavy authoritarian. I have followed this same rule with all relationships by trying to not be authoritarian about how I do things. I am very passionate yes, and unfortunately there was a time in my life when it was more important to be right than happy! That's a strong family trait...

How about in marriage, considering one another in decisions is crucial. The ability to see each other as equals in all things remains at the core in the strength of the unity. In our business I have seen such a wide variety of people over the years and unfortunately I see all to often an inequality of respect between husband and wife. My observation is this: for those who continue to complain about the same thing over and over year after year, but have taken no action to solve or improve their situation...I have no sympathy. Things are tough, they could be much tougher!

My thoughtful husband has been concerned for me. Apparently he applied for social security disability insurance for me. He mentioned it to me but I guess I did not think much of it until I got a couple of voice messages wanting to interview me for more information to see if I qualified. I have gotten quite a kick out of this whole thing. I only told my sister, but that is like telling the whole world. Anyway, we have laughed so hard, I believe my husband will take it in the shorts but good for this one. My family can be brutal. Moral of the story, don't make decisions, even when intentions are good, for someone else.

When my husband and I filled out our Advance Health Care Directive as we prepared our Will we wanted to make decisions for ourselves as long as we are able and then, and only then, let our children step in.

I intend to be of sound mind and then be gone (good Lord willing)...or spend some mighty fun times sowin' some WILD OATS in one of them, what do they call them, FACILITIES!!! If I've lost my mind that's too bad, I won't know how much fun I'm having. If not, you should look me up, there won't be a more exciting rest home around!!!

A Grey Kind of Week

good times I remember photo album

I needed to remember some good times with my family...it has been a grey kind of week. I miss my boys terribly. The house has been quiet. I have already drug Christmas out! It may seem early, however the older you get time goes by that much faster and when December gets here, I don't want to miss one thing with my family or friends!

I love the holidays. I love playing the same Christmas songs every year. I love the Yankee Balsam Fir Candle. I love dressing up the dogs in Christmas sweaters. I love my mom's fruit cake. I love to play games with my family and I love to hear the famous family Christmas story written by my sister and her son, Ryan. The most wicked, sarcastic roast taken from the outline of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. Everyone basically takes it in the shorts and there is really nothing off limits. They usually call me to see if I think it is "ok", which most everything gets the thumbs up from me.

Summer is my favorite time of the year, but I love the holidays because of the good memories and the closeness I feel with those I love.

We need those around us that we love to help us when we are weak. I am weak right now and can't quite shake all the grey out of me.

Her Cute Black Button Nose

There is always a bit of fear in her eyes. She's needy, she's crazy, she's lovable, she's a pistol, she's Roxee Lynn Peepee Lovedog Chapman.

She is my grandog and I am crazy about her. I have had custody of her pretty much full time for a year now. Her dad, my delightful son, got a little frustrated with her problem of incontinence, thus the name Peepee. We had tried several medications, (including Prozac) but she was too smart and would spit it out no matter how we disguised it (believe me we tried EVERYTHING). I decided she was depressed and just needed a well balanced home and to be showered with love and attention! We could not split up the two so Dozer came with the package.

After raising 3 boys and learning how much you love each one equally but differently because they each are different, you learn that your pets are the same. Zion, Dozer and Roxee each have a different personality. I love each of them the same, but treat each of them differently because they react and are different. You cannot go up to Zion and pet her, she backs away immediately and charges in and is ready to play. If a stranger goes to pet Roxee she may or may not growl and then she usually runs into the closet. If you go to pet Dozer, he'll try to find something to rest his big head on so he can really enjoy himself, his head is big, it's a lot of weight to keep holding up all the time!

Last week with Roxee: 4:00 a.m. potty break, something has lured the two out to the mailbox. I call for them. Nothing. Walk out to driveway. See cat sneer at Roxee! She high tails it across the driveway, looses her ground and skids on her side a couple feet, while Dozer just sits there looking at the scene calmly like "Hey, what up?" I yell at them again to come inside and I am thinking, "If I step in poop I am going to go ballistic." I don't go back to sleep for several hours, I'm not tired anymore!

Zion was enjoying a belly rub from my husband. No sooner did Roxee see this event happening and she ran right between the two, plops in the middle, rolls over and exposes her belly, Zion promptly leaves and it's now all about Roxee! When we are giving out treats Roxee always does some kind of pirouette. We have never taught her this, we do not ask, she just does it. Same thing with if she thinks we are mad at her, she just lays down and rolls half way on her back in submission. It's weird. Mornings and evening are also a ritual, she has needs...she comes and burrows into my neck or gets right up in my face. She needs to be cuddled, she needs closeness, but she rarely licks me. If the other dogs are close, she walks right over top of them (she is only 10 lbs.) and moves in. She doesn't stay very long, but you can tell when she is feeling needy and she usually gets what she wants.

Roxee came to our family when she was a year and a half. She had been neglected and would have died had we not got her. Because of the neglect we are sure this is where much of her behavior comes from. In spite of how crazy she is, she is also endearing to me. Often times we are quick to judge as is the case with many things in life. When we know the full story we find compassion, unconditional love and long suffering.

She may have crazy looking eyes, but I wouldn't change her cute black button nose or her quirks for nothin'!

Smartweed - it's Confusing

Smartweed, with the folk name "smartass", has a behavior problem. Taken out of context, the stuff is attractive but then so are a lot of other things I can think of that are not always so nice or easy to take care of: my hair, my employee's, my sister.:) Apparently smartweeds are not so charming when you've pulled it up for the fifth time in one month either.

I finished reading Electroboy last weekend and I am still trying to process it all. Andy Behrman who is manic depressive and something of a "smartass" himself, tells of his raging mania into his thirties. He would make a spur of the moment decision to hop a plane to go see the Berlin wall come down, just because he felt he had to see it! While I certainly have impulses and obsessions, these are a bit over the top for me.

He changed jobs from filmmaker to go-go boy to opening a public relations business to working in a fashion house to a painting business. He made millions, only to find himself flat broke shortly thereafter. I have been running my own business since I was 21, I am now 45. I could list all the differences and some similarities, it's not important.

My point: Mental illness looks, acts and is different on everyone. I guess that is why it is a disorder in the BRAIN, and why unfortunately there is no cure yet. For some silly reason it is the last organ we still haven't figured out. Hummm? It is just so blasted complicated. I wonder if that is WHY we are so scared of these types of illnesses? We fear what we do not know or understand, it's natural.

The media and things you hear about are only going to be the sensational. That's called NEWS! Don't be sucked in, don't let it scare you and don't believe all of it! I'm not saying Andy Behrman's story is not true, I am saying it is unusual.

Smartweed and bipolar illness have one thing in common. You don't get rid of it. Controlling or managing it might be more achievable. In an interview with Stephen Fry, Andy Behrman gave these statistics: 20% of people with bipolar illness commit suicide. 40% never function well enough and must live with family members. 20% don't function at the level that they expected to function and end up working as clerks and cashiers. 20% stabilize, recover and go on to lead extremely productive lives.

Life can be at the very least sometimes...well, confusing?

Hot Pink Fish Kisses

From one cracked pot to another...I got this email from my sister. It was perfect. I expected some humorous slam to put a smile on my face, but it was actually a very touching beautiful message. That's my sister you never know what you're gonna get!

She is so very special to me and I love her dearly, she sends me more emails than anyone. The one thing I know with her...it is going to have backgrounds, flowers, kisses, jumping things, and that is just the intro! I cannot open her email on my iphone, there is not enough RAM. She has perfected the art of getting excited about the little things and we love teasing her about it...she takes it all in stride and keeps on being over-the-top HER!

I have this thing about emails, they can be funny, touching, rank, informative, whatever. I open them, decide if I am going to read them, and if I do and get to the bottom... and then it tells me to forward/send whatever, to 5/10/50 whatever, friends/family/acquaintances, like they care whatever, so I will be happy/rich/responsible, or I won't be a low life jerk/uncaring/irresponsible/no good for nothin' winch that does not care about dying cats in Africa!!!! It's not as if I don't carry enough guilt of my own, cut the guilt crap. Is this how we motivate one another?

I think the HoT PinK fish kisses would work better!

Caged Brown Eyes

Wanna pway wif me?

This past week my grandog Dozer was hauled off by the dog catcher! He was doing the afternoon patrol and a lady from the neighborhood to the North apparently does not know how completely innocent, harmless and actually what a watch dog Dozer has become in our close neighborhood. I understand that if he is running full blast towards you at 65 pounds, spike collar and the mean under bite look and all... it may throw you off a bit! He just gets excited because he wants to greet you and say, "Hey, I'm Dozer, wanna play?" This is him getting a drink and playing with our neighbor's granddaughter, real mean huh?

Dozer is very tender. When he was a puppy and he would get into mischief we would have to scold him. He would take these scoldings rather hard and hide under the bed...until one day he found he was too large for hiding under the bed. It seems as he grew, his really naughty things tempered, such as: chewing the sides of the wood on our staircase, dragging in tree branches (branches, not limbs, branches), knocking down kids (any size big or small) and stealing their toys (only stuffed animals, he thinks they belong to him) out of their hands and putting them in my office. This past week he did steal 3 small pumpkins, he did his own trick or treating and took a bag of chocolate (with the old you have been spooked now spook 3 of your neighbors thing)off of the neighbors porch, he dropped that in the kitchen for me.

Bulldogs are supposedly the 3rd dumbest dog?! I HATE to have to campaign for bull dogs after all these elections and such buuutttt....How many dogs ring a bell when they need or want to go outside? How about growling (specific tone) at 5 a.m. when he wants to be taken outside and then join us on the bed. If we don't shut the door tight Dozer will paw the door open and take Roxee out and back inside the house for us when she needs to go potty or if he just wants to romp with her. He is the most delightful smartest dumb dog you have ever seen. And talk about a bull dog that can JUMP, he learned that from the girls (2 Boston dogs Zion and Roxee).

When I find out that Dozer is in a cage, I jump in my car and immediately head to rescue him at the animal shelter. I am coming up to a stop light and thinking, "That looks like animal services right there!" Sure enough, I pull up behind and there in the back of the white truck in a cage are Dozer's frightened big brown eyes looking out the back at me! I start waving at him and talking in my dozer voice to not worry because "gramma is coming to get you".

Did any of you ever see any movies where the mentally ill were put in cages? I did. I was talking to Dr. D. a few weeks ago and we were discussing his internship where he would walk in and see at least 100 women laying on cots in a large room (I won't tell you the rest of the conversation). This was 25+ years ago and even though it was a room, when I think of it, it feels like a cage to me. What he did explain is the miracle of how anti-depressants have reduced the amount of people in these facilities remarkably.

How many of you have thought that anti-depressants are not necessary, over used, depression is all in someones head, these "people" just need to pull up their boot straps and get over it. If you have thought this way I challenge your thinking and just maybe you have not been touched by it personally?

I do not blog for the hell of it, I blog to challenge your thinking! I find myself judging all the time, first myself and then others. It's ridiculous and self destructive behavior for me and for human kind.

Twenty percent of the population has a mental illness, don't duck your head in the sand. And guess what? they are out walking the streets, working with you and functioning. Some of them are living on the streets because they did not get the help they needed and they are homeless, some are drug addicts and crack heads. While others are serving time in prison. Hey I am the last one who wants to yell VICTIM. Just ask yourself where you are at. That's it. All we can ever be is accountable for ourselves. If you need help get it. If someone else does give it. Just think about it.