Death-A Life Changing Landscape

Today my brother would have turned 50.






He has been gone now for 16 years. He died in a tragic car accident of which we still seem to have many questions that linger in our minds. We miss him, yet laughter has replaced many of the tears, for HE was bigger than life.
His personality and our memories with him are talked about with fun and regularity as we continually try to fill the hole that is always present.

The landscape of our lives changed forever, it looked and felt barren for a long time. It is now filling in with grass, trees, wildflowers (the grandchildren), and ever still some weeds, for this is life.

Dave was special. He was loud yet tender. He was competitive, yet appreciated it when he knew someone got the best of him. He could care less what you thought about him, but he cared very much about everyONE. He worked hard, so he could play harder. He loved his family, and he idolized his children. He was 6’4” and averaged 230 pounds and loved wearing matching Mickey Mouse t-shirts with his wife and kids! (so funny)

None of us got the chance to say goodbye. Dave was ripped out of our lives one day. Our family was already in crisis. This compounded it. Dave was my only brother. I have one older sister. Speaking for my sister and me, losing Dave was like losing a piece of ourselves, a reflection of ourselves. Relationships with siblings’ help one another know who they are and how they fit into the fabric of life. To lose my brother was losing someone with whom I could share the experiences of growing old with. I am missing that.

For those going through the death of a close loved one for the first time it is a real wild fire. How long it burns no one knows. Grief is such an individual process. To quantify or compare grief is not only insensitive it is ridiculous.

What I have learned is that we don’t ‘get over’ the deepest pains of life, nor should we. We go through them and they refine, deepen and humble us as spiritual beings. We recognize our own immortality and hopefully become more loving and charitable towards ourselves and others. We learn to have hope and enjoy the small, simple moments…the ones that happen in between the big vast landscape of life.

Dedicated to my brother Dave for all the simple moments that he taught me how to laugh and live life to the fullest…I have been a slow learner.

Tan Beyond His Years

I have 3 boys. Each unique. Each beautiful. I have a different and special relationship with each one. Yesterday I received a text from Tandin (I call him Tan). It read, "I just sent you an email. It might help you understand what I'm all about."
If you are the mother of a 19 year old boy who is going to college...does this intrigue you, excite you??? Just a bit!!! I open my email...I sit down for this one. As I look upon my email I am gazing at a beautifully designed tree type chart entitled--

"My Religion: This is Why I Do What I Do"

There is an explanation included. I quote some of what he sent:

"If we can learn to be selfless, happiness is easily attainable. Love conquers all. It is the journey that counts, not the destination. We don't remember dates, we remember moments." Tan lives this mantra, always has. He continues by saying,"Emotional feelings and relationships are most important. Tangible objects are of little value."

"Ignorance in not bliss. Knowledge is power."

And finally..."Treat other how you would like to be treated."

Tan is in his second year of engineering at the University of Utah, he is beyond his years, always has been.

After reading this all I could think was...Tandin is an amazing and special person and I am blessed to be his mother!! I have always known this and I weep with JOY...

Fall is my Nature

I for one am glad this summer is over! It has been a ROCKY one and there was not a single hike included with those rocks.

One positive note, my skin is thanking me for it actually saw very little of the sun. I suppose I was what you could almost call, a shut-in. Oh that sounds awful and it was for the most part. How much of it was situational and how much was chemical? Hard to say, but I've had experience with both and there was a lot going on for me on both ends.

Here are some things I learned:

1. You can't hurry through pain, you can't bury it and you can't go around it.
2. It takes an immense amount of self discipline to let things be.
3. Letting go is hard.
4. Forgiving is hard.
5. You can think too much, say too much, write too much, but rarely can you listen too much.

When I Fall...I Fall hard. It is not my nature to do things half way.

But I always get up...