The MoNsTer in Me!

I have a bazillion things to do--clean the house, shop at the store--for you Mormons now, no bursting into song --"so we can be ready for Sunday."

I wish I felt like singing, the dogs miss my singing, I haven't been singing as much lately. I'm not depressed.........I'm situationally challenged.

I should be working at the salon/boutique, working in my office, doing homework, yada yada. What I should do and what I feel like doing are two completely different things...but as it goes I have my trusty little lap top and my faithful little lap dog, and I surf the day away.

I do my best not to guilt myself, Dad always said, "if I miss this meeting, there will be another." And then that sh** eating grin would appear on his face, his head would bob slightly from shoulder to shoulder in mischievous disdain and you could hear a slight chuckle. Wow do I love reality.  There is always plenty of meetings, housework, homework and shopping, even for a Saint...and excuse me, but I'm not a Saint, I'm a farmers daughter, occasionally I have the mouth to prove it, (sh, I mean oops)!

I have learned that the list of stuff isn't going away, and I'm pretty sure this icky feeling in my chest will. I could do ALL that stuff (or get started,) and ignore this icky feeling, but "feeling" it is part of "healing."

I am reading, or rather re-reading, a book I read years ago. I have referred to many chapters on several occasions over the past 5 years. I love books where at the beginning of chapters are thoughts or poems that pertain to the book that make you think or give some type of insight. Here is the thought at the beginning of Chapter 9 from "Enchanted Love" by Marianne Williamson, entitled "Removing the Ghosts"

"There are monsters in my past, my darling.

So what? I have a few in mine. But I am not the monster.

I am not the monster, and the monster is not me."

When I was a little girl I was terrified of monsters! So much so that my dad had to carry me in his arms and show me every closet and look under every bed. Together we would walk through our basement, opening the "darkroom" door was the scariest! This was surely the place the "monsters" would be waiting. But my dad was bigger and stronger than any of them! I could have never trusted, I could have never slept had we not done this ritual every night. I cannot remember what frightened me so much, nor how long it continued, but eventually I did learn to trust.

I look back and see that, yes, the monster was in me...the monster is always in us. Can we accept that, can we actually see that...and move past it? Face my fears? I can now. Sometimes I just need a day (or two,) on, off, in or out of "reality."  Doesn't really matter to me which preposition you use. I suppose it's all about how You look at it.

Headaches, Homework, and Cancer, Part II

I don’t care how many holidays go by. I miss him. We all miss him. This is the 16th and Dave’s name always comes up around the Thanksgiving table and most definitely if we play games. He won monopoly even if he HAD to cheat, Dave won. DAD wants to win the battle of “incurable stage 4” cancer. He CAN win the battle. None of us win the final war, which is OK, I have no doubt Dave is doing just fine, and it will be a good reunion when we all join him.

What gives me headache number 15 since Friday is all the not knowing.

“How sick will he be on chemo? Why does this happen? How does this happen?










Why has this stabbing pain now moved from behind my eyes to my chest?


Does he want Dozer to come over? He comforts me.


Why do I have to be strong?






Maybe Zion would be the better Dog? I would give her up. She lies with me for hours when I am hurting. If Zion goes to Dad's I need to go, I don't sleep well without Zion. No matter, I'm not sleeping much.

No Roxee is the only dog for the job, she understands pain and suffering, she IS the LOVE dog, Rondy would LOVE ROXEE!








AND how does chemo really REALLY work?”

Fear. And then we face it, what IS the alternative? I have stayed in bed for long, ridiculously long periods of time. Depression? Excuse me for saying so but I would rather die…the long drawn out chemical type of depression where there is no joy, no purpose, and all there is in your world is darkness for no reason? cOp oUt, ViCtIm, ya I know. If you don’t get it, you never will, don’t even try…, and suicide is not a choice, knowledge, management and acceptance, life keeps on...but NO I have purpose!... my family has purpose. MY DAD HAS PURPOSE!!!

We face our fears, we fight when necessary, we surrender when a broken heart and contrite spirit is the order of the day, and we fight each battle as it comes, even when we do not understand or know our enemies.

Without challenges we do not grOW. Without heartaches we learn no CoMpAsSiOn. All these things are part of our journey…and we do NOT avoid them, or distract ourselves from them, or run away from them, because sooner or later, the challenges and heartaches knock at everyone's door, or just crash it down and it just comes in anyway. My homework is working the steps now, and the homework from the UofU won't be going away either (anthropology sucks). Life just keeps on...

Today I am a little angry, a little sad and I know that this is part of a grieving process that i have to go through. It is part of acceptance. I’m not sure if I will be totally happy tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but happiness does come, if I choose to allow it. Dad says he is happy, this is important and what matters most! He is happy when his family visits. He is happy when he feels loved. Love can and does heal ALL. He is loved, Oh, He IS LOVED!!!

From Headaches, to Homework to CanCer? Part I

It seems my mind can race to hell and back in a matter of a 24-hour period with ruminating thoughts and piercing pain behind the sockets of my eyeballs that once again bring me back to…WOAH…glad that one’s OVER!!!!

This week, well, was filled with…deficits in the checking account(S), payroll due, homework, catching up on homework, presentations in two classes…and, my granddog pooped in the house, the big Dog, DOZER! Not finished yet…a little on the manic side for I am not sleeping…and oh did I mention my dad went in to the doctor to “have his throat stretched.” He was having trouble swallowing, came out with a cancer diagnosis, it got worse as the week went on and it looks as though it is in his lymph nodes.

So here is the deal, we all deal with a whole lot of STUFF in this life. Headaches, bills, homework and cancer, it varies from uncomfortable, to downright over the edge, on the brink, to, I’ve had it! But you Don’t, you Can’t, and you Won’t, and if you Do, then You become the Victim; and the unpleasant things of life Beat you, instead of You Beating Them!

So what do we do with the unpleasant things of life, or the downright tragedies when they hit? Hey, I’m no doctor…and I don’t think “they” have all the answers either. In all honesty, most of my answers or peace has come in the quiet constraints after a long battle, (usually with myself, isn’t that our biggest ones) comes when I petition God…and then I LISTEN. Now this listening is REALLY strange, no get this, REALLY weird, because all of a sudden very quietly I hear this conversation in my head that is so Loving and Logical, with absolutely NO JUDGMENT. No matter how awful I think I am, or others are, this voice is so accepting and loving. And all of it, as if it is a puzzle seems to fit together, and I get a glimpse of everything and I settle. My spirit settles…and I trust. I stop fearing. And I know that no matter what, things are as they should be, and life was meant to live happily.

It’s our choice to figure out how in between the headaches, the bills, the homework and the cancer, we choose and we learn how to be content and happy. All of life is lived in a -- dash --

-- to be continued --

Love the Differences

I am giving a presentation tomorrow on affirmative action. While I am an advocate for equal rights and always desire to give a hand to those in need, I see many positives that came from affirmative action, but as in life everything has its opposite. My purpose is not to debate affirmative action rather to ignite thought in each of us about our personal biases or prejudices about race.

I conducted a survey last semester in my sociology class and asked the question who people felt were the most discriminated against in America. Race was the #1 choice, which was interesting given the fact that by 2042 the white race will be the minority. We live in a highly diverse society yet we still fear each other just because of the color of one another’s skin? Or is it that we just do not understand one another’s language, culture or background?


I have said to my children many times…to know someone is to love someone. It’s so easy to judge and so hard to give someone the benefit of the doubt or put a little effort into getting to know them, particularly if they are “different.” I have found some of my richest and most rewarding relationships amongst those “different” individuals that I now call my closest friends.

If we watch, children will teach us many things.

Self-Destructive Pants on the Ground

Sometimes I am nothing more than a hypocrite. Saying one thing yet completely doing another. The internal battle or war of conscience begins, and it is an ugly battle. I lose. I lose and come out with gashes and scars of proportional size. I wonder…to what degree do others do this self-defeating repetitive ritual? I surely cannot be alone in this.

Self-destructive behaviors, I know them all to well. They are like the familiar pair of jeans I have had since I was a teenager, only completely too small and therefore look terrible and make me feel uncomfortable in my own jeans (and genes). I think we hide these “behaviors” because of our EGOS and sometimes these “jeans” unfortunately DO get comfortable. Sometimes they have been with us for so long; we may not even realize that we are wearing them… and they are not so… becoming!

It seems as if I have been blessed with important times in which I now refer to as my, “humility calls” wherein I slow down and take an inventory of what is important in my life. It is in my nature to let the tasks of life speed me up, then weigh me down and overshadow what I value most. What I value most is relationships with my loved ones. I also value a peaceful and a content soul. To some these things come natural, for me, I must work at them.

For those of you who battle the self-destructive behavior GENES,
wouldn’t it be great if we could just put those PanTs on the GrounD once and for all?