What gives me headache number 15 since Friday is all the not knowing.
“How sick will he be on chemo? Why does this happen? How does this happen?
Why has this stabbing pain now moved from behind my eyes to my chest?
Does he want Dozer
to come over? He comforts me.Why do I have to be strong?
Maybe Zion would be the better Dog? I would give her up. She lies with me for hours when I am hurting. If Zion goes to Dad's I need to go, I don't sleep well without Zion. No matter, I'm not sleeping much.
No Roxee is the only dog for the job, she understands pain and suffering, she IS the LOVE dog,
Rondy would LOVE ROXEE!
AND how does chemo really REALLY work?”
Fear. And then we face it, what IS the alternative? I have stayed in bed for long, ridiculously long periods of time. Depression? Excuse me for saying so but I would rather die…the long drawn out chemical type of depression where there is no joy, no purpose, and all there is in your world is darkness for no reason? cOp oUt, ViCtIm, ya I know. If you don’t get it, you never will, don’t even try…, and suicide is not a choice, knowledge, management and acceptance, life keeps on...but NO I have purpose!... my family has purpose. MY DAD HAS PURPOSE!!!
We face our fears, we fight when necessary, we surrender when a broken heart and contrite spirit is the order of the day, and we fight each battle as it comes, even when we do not understand or know our enemies.
Without challenges we do not grOW. Without heartaches we learn no CoMpAsSiOn. All these things are part of our journey…and we do NOT avoid them, or distract ourselves from them, or run away from them, because sooner or later, the challenges and heartaches knock at everyone's door, or just crash it down and it just comes in anyway. My homework is working the steps now, and the homework from the UofU won't be going away either (anthropology sucks). Life just keeps on...
Today I am a little angry, a little sad and I know that this is part of a grieving process that i have to go through. It is part of acceptance. I’m not sure if I will be totally happy tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but happiness does come, if I choose to allow it. Dad says he is happy, this is important and what matters most! He is happy when his family visits. He is happy when he feels loved. Love can and does heal ALL. He is loved, Oh, He IS LOVED!!!
Always beautiful Lori. I love your wisdom, deep heart felt truth of how life REALLY is. You give me comfort and food for thought in my own struggles. I pray for you always and love you forever! Patti
ReplyDeletePatti dear, and you are certainly one who knows how life REALLY is! And you inspire others as you put one foot in front of another and face life amongst your heart aches. Thank YOU for pushing on and your love (and your cooking) heals many. Much love, Lori~
ReplyDeleteHey Lori, I myself would never get Chemo if there was no hope of a cure. I watched it kill my dad faster than the cancer. I do understand though how your dad wants to try. It is a personal decision for everyone. I have peace in my heart that I made my dad laugh alot the last couple of months of his life. He gave that gift to me and I try to pass it on to others. After all, laughter is the best medicine.:) Much love Ilene
ReplyDeleteWell actually Dad has decided against chemo. He is going the holistic route and he is as positive as ever!
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