Right, but on the Other Hand

Continuing on from...I May Be Wrong, But I Doubt it...
 

I am afraid that we put ourselves, and our loved ones through unnecessary pain because of our deep need to be right and/or our desire to be validated.

Even in this great country of America where we were founded on the idea of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,”

we have become so polarized by the two parties, (democrat or republican). We seem to be continually positioning one against the other and little progress is made. I sincerely doubt this is what our inspired forefathers had in mind when they defected from England and had a plan for democracy.

I will be the first to admit that I was indifferent to many situations in our country for a very long time. My attitude was, "if it did not affect me personally then I didn't pay much attention. I had my own “stuff” to worry about." Ewe narcissism at its best playing out…as well as ignorance. 

Change and awareness happens one person and one event at a time.

The events of 9/11 2001 changed our world forever, some things possibly on the positive and others on the negative, we can look at things from many perspectives. The facts are we cannot change what IS…but what IS to one person may feel, look, and BE different to another! 

Diversity is a great addition to any situation, family, school, town or country for we learn so many things from one another.

Sometimes it takes the youngest in the family to teach us the most valuable lessons.  A message from Tandin. He is a great example of listen and learn, for YOU may be Right, but on the other hand, THEY may be also!

I May Be Wrong, but I Doubt It!

Does rigidity, defensiveness or a closed mind hinder your relationships? Does it get in the way of your personal growth? I wonder about this. I have said this often about my family, “We would rather be RIGHT, than HAPPY!” Does this exist in You... or your family?

Dozer knows Chase is full of "Bull" sometimes!

Dr. Phil asked one of his guests on his show. “Do you want to be right or happy?” The gentleman quickly replied, “Can I be both?” My son Chase was watching and laughed and THEN, whole-heartily agreed with the gentleman! Chase thinks that is the way to live! Here is the problem you cannot be right all the time. Sorry.

Two "peas in a pod"

I bought a couple of shirts with the saying, “I may be wrong, but I doubt it.” I gave these t-shirts to special people in my life who seem to have a take charge, and-- I pretty much do everything right --attitude towards life. I love these people, yet they are sometimes difficult to have any type of discussion beyond what they believe is the way things are or “should” be. My oldest son T.J. is one of these beautiful people…did I raise him this way? In my observation it comes naturally, for this is in both his genetics and in his environment. T.J. and I are very much alike. 

I have found however that the more aware I have become of giving up wanting to be right, rather than sacrificing happiness, life has gotten EASIER and obviously much more joyful.

to be continued... ;)

Quality of LIfe Question

Woah, I'm glad that's over. Stomach virus hit both Tandin and me early Monday morning, just to welcome in a new semester of school. Kell had to leave work early on Friday, the darn bug had caught him there. And he thought he'd share with the other family members.

I cannot lie...was happy to lose a few lbs. Ridiculous.

I'm usually immune to stomach stuff, head problems are more my weakness. I can catch a headache any day of the week, but pass by when Kell has been laid out cold with the sweats...not this one. I'm a wimpy baby when it comes to nausea and things spinning when they're not supposed to. Laying by the toilet on cold tile, I just hate it. 

But let me share some insights as I laid in bed physically sick for 2 days:

1) Lying in bed is awful and days are long when your mind wants to get out of bed but your body won't let you.

2) Physical sickness is awful, but because there is usually an end in sight and you somewhat understand what is going on, you have more acceptance and others compassion.

3) If you are depressed (emotionally/mentally sick) and you cannot get out of bed, (do NOT judge this if you have never been there, you WON'T get it,) you cannot get out of bed physically, mentally, emotionally. You wish you could and you hate yourself for not being able to and it is a vicious circle.

4) This type of depression is so painful and so covert and many may not even recognize it for what it is. As a nation depression has been stigmatized as being weak. That is a myth.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from any type of depression here is my advise:

• treated yourself kindly 
• be aware of your SELF
• take inventory of your sdb's (self destructive behaviors) 
• reach out for some type of social support 
• be open to different medicinal approaches whether anti-depressants or naturopathic  
• seek professional help

If you ignore depression or any prolonged feelings of sadness, what quality of life do you have...and why are you not addressing it? Denial is not a coping mechanism; it's a cop out. I know, I've done it.

The "Me" Bucket

 

Today I feel empty. The bucket is dry. It has been an Emotional Week. I am a wife, mother, daughter,

sister, aunt, friend, boss, and gramog to my new little Lucy “pooh.” 

Lucy Lu aka Lucy "pooh"

Lucy required potty training every hour while she visited the last few days. Lucky me.

 

 Sometimes there is just not enough “me” to go around. Any other “me’s” out there?

Dudes have Emo Too

Gary, and his 3 children that he raised as a single parent.

A very special man, a brother-in-law to me passed away suddenly last Thursday evening. Gary had a way with words and in fact had published two books. His first was titled, “Used Man.”  He was a great example of… “Like me as I am, and if you don’t, I don’t give a rats ass.” Wow, I love you Gary!

After writing “Thoughts in a box” I started to think about the difficulty culture has put upon men in expressing their emotions. Our society has pigeonholed and labeled our boys from inside the womb. Their toughness has been expected, and the labeling has stifled the idea that men don’t have, can’t have, or display emotion. What? Why? How can that be possible? Men are spiritual/emotional/human beings every bit as much as a woman! The last time I checked on the emo of the men in my life, when they were being REAL, these were the most beautiful, endearing, wonderful, and attractive times I have spent with them. Emo does not always come out so easily; again, we have conditioned one another that this is not the way it is “supposed to be.” Well, times change, we don’t have to act tough to be tough.  The most rigid and defensive individuals are usually the most insecure (thanks Dr. D. for helping me to see this)!

So here is the challenge, how do men in our culture feel safe and masculine and still know that emotion is not just acceptable but a beautiful thing to show? I don’t really expect them to write down their epiphanies on pretty paper and put them in a decorative box!

Like any cultural change it takes time, knowledge and understanding and I think we are moving in that direction in some ways and in others we may be moving far from it. Which way is your family moving in?

Dad on his last homeopathic treatment for the day.

As I have watched the change and growth in my boys over the years from the teens and now into their 20’s and T.J. is now 30, I see great strides of improvement. I attribute much of this due to the challenges that we have gone through and triumphed over together. I am seeing an outpouring of uninhibited love and expressed emotion with Kelly and his brother’s as they say farewell to their first sibling to pass away. And I have seen a delightful positive outpouring of expression to and from my father in our family as cancer has invaded his body. Panic began to overtake all of our thoughts when we first received the news of my dad's cancer. We felt an  an urgency of celebrating life and love… yet lest we forget, we do not and cannot ever know when our very special Dudes can be called home…

Thoughts...in a BOX

One year for Christmas I gave my beautiful mother a decorative “Christmas” box with a copy of the book, “The Christmas Box” and a letter I had written to her. My intentions were to write her a letter each year so she could keep it in her pretty box. As good intentions go, no other Christmas letters have been written but my sweet mom has started a tradition of her own.

When we were little Mom made each of us our own Christmas stocking. Each of us was very proud of our stocking because she spent several hours on each one. Christmas day is now rather quiet for our family and after all the hustle of the season we welcome the peace. I asked my mom what she was doing for Christmas this year and she said, “I’m staying home alone and writing my letters to each of you kids. I like to be alone on Christmas.”

I found out several years ago that Mom started writing letters to Sherry, Richard and Amanda, (Dave’s children) and me.  Honestly I do not know what kind of a “stocking” my mom is putting these letters in, and I don’t care about the stockings, but I am touched by her love and expression of making it a tradition to write a letter to each of us. Sometimes the spoken word is difficult for us. What a treasure we will have for years to come when our loved ones depart and we have their feelings and words to reflect upon.

Sometimes we don’t capture the “moments.” Such as when our children say the cutest and funniest things! If you are a parent, I know you can relate. We think we will remember…well, we don’t! I did write down some of those things…I just can’t remember where I filed that paper…I know it’s here in the house…SOMEWHERE! 

So my advice, get a beautiful box, chest or trunk, and some pretty paper and every time your kids do something cute or funny jot it down and put it in your BOX. And don’t forget… sometimes we have an ephiphany or two of our own… write those down too, and then some time, grab a quiet night and open your box or boxes…and enjoy those quite times alone. You can reminisce, cry, laugh, and enjoy right where you are. Oh, and I suggest you indulge in your favorite drink and treat, a coke zero and a cookie would accompany me, along with a pack of dogs.

Roxee, Dozer, Zion...Lucy had not joined us when this was taken... and they are not as obedient since she has! We are working on things. Puppies. :)

The Power of Alone

I am a big fan of journaling. I have a diary from fifth grade, one from Jr. high, another from when I was a single mom, and now I frequently pop on to my computer and type a few words or pour out my soul, whichever seems to be the necessary call of the day.

My new granpuppie Lucy!

Some people find it hard to express themselves. I get that. At times I would rather stay at home and be by myself, retreat from the world and just connect to my computer with my passions or my grief. At other times I embrace life and people with the zest and excitement of a new puppy. This change in my “moods” is not necessarily my “bi-polar” disorder, it is really just part of my personality too. Sometimes I am extroverted and other times I am introverted. I don’t believe we have to be all or nothing, and furthermore, I really hate labels. I think we can get stuck with these labels in our lives and end up trying to fulfill them, these labels we are assigned sometimes from a very early age may or may not be what we really are deep in our souls after all.

What I have loved so much about journaling is that it is a place where I can be real with no judgment. I can purge my thoughts, feelings, frustrations, sadness, celebrations, and yes if I go back and read through my journal it is a documentation of my progression through life. And oh what a life it has been! I’m grateful for this journey, particularly for the struggles, for this is when I found out the strength of who I am and what I am made of. I have grown in character and compassion and it brings me great satisfaction when I can go through an experience with another person and have some sort of understanding and can say to some degree, “I understand.”

If you do not know yourself why not? Do you keep yourself so busy or preoccupied with other people’s business or problems to avoid your own? Or have you adopted some or many of the sdb’s (self destructive behaviors) that I have been involved in, i.e.: workaholism, addiction (of any kind), denial, avoidance, eating too many cookies in a day, buying too many clothes for your dog…you know stupid stuff like that! Stuff that makes you look like a crazy person and people label you “MENTAL.” EWE!!

So here’s the deal, not everyone is going to be into journaling. What IS important and what can really improve the quality of your life is AWARENESS. Eckhart Tolle was the first to really introduce it to me in a little book called Stillness Speaks. I still refer to it often, even though I randomly picked it up off of a bookshelf 10 years ago. And I quote:

Is suffering really necessary? Yes and no.

If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you as a human being, no humility, no compassion…Suffering cracks open the shell of ego, and then comes a point when it has served its purpose. Suffering is necessary until you realize it is unnecessary.

We all have choices. We all have challenges. We cannot compare or quantify the amount of suffering or for that matter achievements we have. Life is life and we go through it. If we make choices to try to avoid it, it has consequences…and at some point we pay the piper.

Sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed…and I don’t! I sleep, I read, I journal, but it’s my choice! On the other days I run like crazy, HA. I have a family, I run a business, I go to school and I love and care for people, and oh ya my dogs. So don’t judge me. And if you feel like staying in bed one day, go ahead, I wouldn’t judge you, the question is…would you, JUDGE YOU?

You get to know yourself when you are quiet and spend time ALONE…with YOURSELF.