Why does watching a dog be a dog fill one with happiness
-Jonathan Safran Foer
I had a dog, one of those dogs that will never be replaced. Maybe you've had one of those too? This a three part post to share some of my journey through depression, mania, addiction and a long journey where i have found peace with living in the present.
My special Zion would have been 18 today.
Over the past 18 years i have loved 7 dogs...none like i loved Zion.
Zion was a Boston Terrier runt. Full grown 11 lbs. She is named after Zion's canyon in St. George, Utah. It was there that i decided i needed a dog. I brought her home the day before Thanksgiving in 2003. I was 43 years old and about to experience the longest bout of depression i had ever experienced in my life. I felt the depression coming on so i fled to Zion's canyon hoping to get a reprieve from the pressures of running a salon and day spa and raising a family. I also knew my brain chemistry was off. When i returned, the deep darkness sank in and i spent the better time of the next several months, until June of that year in bed. During that time it was a triumph if i did a little housework, showered and brushed my teeth. I don't recall if the preceding months had been filled with mania, but as the pattern was, what goes up, must come down. That's how the chemistry in the brain works if you have bipolar depression.
When Zion was a puppy she was so little she fit in the palm of my hand. When she ate her little back feet would come off the ground because her head was big compared to her body. All those months she would, lay beside me, just loving me unconditionally. I would play with her frequently, and she became very proficient in playing catch.. I would rival any Golden Retriever or Labrador that Zion loves balls more than any good fetching dog. She learned how to play an incredible game of soccer; literally dribbling it through the yard and "nose bumping" it if you threw it at her.
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| Zion's biggest ball ever |
Zion slept with me every night. She would ball up next to my stomach and sleep there contently all night. I've never been a good sleeper, insomnia and i know each other well. The years with Zion always by my side are now missed during those long hours between two and five a.m. when i cannot sleep.
I've been told that if you live in the past you will be depressed, and if you live in the future you will be anxious. That makes sense, but i didn't learn that lesson or master living in the present until the last couple of years.
When i would look back and remember certain periods of my life, i could not remember any of them without knowing that the ever present feeling of depression and uneasiness lived within me. As i reflect on those higher flying days of mania when i would be in the middle of remodeling one of the salon's or building the 6,000 ft square building, called the Phazes Building. My energy and creativity was boundless and i felt i could conquer the world. A lot of great things came to be during my phases of mania, but the black dog always eventually won, Zion was there through all of it.
After i split up with my husband of 27 years, anxiety about the future was ever present. Had i known what the following eight years i had ahead of me i'm sure i would have never agreed to a divorce. Five months following splitting from Kelly i went to Las Vegas with TJ and some of his friends. I also took a good friend from high school who was going through an ugly divorce. He offered me a drink. I hesitated and told him of my tendency towards addiction. for I had had a three year stint with opioids in my late thirties.
I didn't drink much the first night, but the second night we both got pretty drunk, and at the time it made me forget all my troubles. When i agreed to divorce i thought it was the best thing for both of us. I had become indifferent to him and he was unhappy as well. The kids were raised. I had just finished my fifth consecutive quarter at the University of Utah, my Dad, who owned the Phazes Building had stage 4 cancer and i had to make some changes. I could have never imagined how changed my life would be with two decisions, to get divorced and to take a drink.
I did not return to school that Fall. I was giving it all and i had to rebuild the salon during the recession. Two years later i lost the salon in a turn of events that gave all the power to my father and stepmom. I moved in with Tandin, my son, and started back to the "U.." Two months later i would meet Kevin.
After moving in with Tandin i started hiding my liquor, and how much i drank. The first clue i had a real problem was when i stated hiding a pint of Vodka in my closet.
To be continued...
