Vodka

                          A DOG is the only thing on earth that loves you more than she loves herself

                                      -Josh Billings  

continued from Dogs...

When i think of the day i got Zion, during my longest period of a depressive episode, and the day i put her to sleep, it was two of the most dark days i had ever endured. I held on to Zion way longer than i had a right. She had been blind for two years. I had reduced her dignity to carrying her everywhere the last six months. I knew she could see shadows because she still pushed the ball around with her nose, but constantly bumped into things. I battled the decision for a couple of months, i knew it was time when i put a ball in front of her and she just stood there.

The last trip Zion and I had at Zion's canyon

I fixed her a huge dish of scrambled eggs with tons of cheese one hour before i took her in to be euthanized. I don't believe i had ever felt such heavy feet as i carried her into the vet. They put her to sleep in my arms. I left and went to work that day. The next three days i stayed home and chugged vodka. When i would wake up i would chug some more until i passed out again.

Addiction and mental illness go hand in hand, and they both exacerbate each other. I knew this, it didn't stop me from drinking. All i wanted was to numb myself from the pain of thinking about my past and worrying about the future.

I met Kevin in the Fall of 2013. We both felt a chemistry we had never experienced before on our first date. He mostly talked about his adventures of traveling the world surfing. I mostly listened, talking about your ex and your previous family life seemed to have little interest to a confirmed bachelor of 57. He was a successful Realtor; me, a failed business woman who drank too much. I did have 3 incredible, successful boys i had raised and was close to. I was a student at the "U" again and barely making it through my classes. The trauma of losing my business and moving away from everything familiar was weighing heavily on me. I was without a job, without insurance, less than $100 in my bank account and an old jalopy of a vehicle. 

I had dated plenty the previous two years. I had met some really fine men, along with plenty of "one and done" dates. None had ever swept me off my feet, until i met Kevin.

I moved in with Kevin shortly after meeting him and we had a wonderful year of trips and concerts, belly laughs, along with a good share of fights. I was reeling with feeling i belonged no where and drinking secretlly. I felt that i lived in his world, while secretly i was trying to drown out the pain of my past. Kevin worked so much and he allowed me time to do what i wanted, which was mostly drink and not think of all i lost and what my future was going to be. Zion was the one familiar thing in my life and she comforted me. I knew she loved me, even if i didn't love myself.

to be continued...