Nature vs. Nurture

The debate of nature vs. nurture is one that never seems to be resolved. This is a forever fascinating subject and one that if given the chance to delve into you learn much about others, family and yourself. I have loved the phrase,

"there are two kinds of people, those who must live life to understand it, and those who must understand it to live it."

Looking back i have had two Phazes (sorry for the shameless plug of my business) and i have gone through both; first the living life trying to understand it, and now the second phase of trying to understand it while i live. For both of these phases i see the effects of my biological genetics taking their place, and my life long environment having its immense influence as to my actions and reactions to life situations and stimulus.

You as readers don't read to know about me, you read to have more insight about yourself, or at least this is my goal. So these are the questions i ask you to ponder for these are my personal observations that have helped me get through the twists and turns, the triumphs and disappointments of life, and helped me to progress and persevere.

1. What is your deep seated motivation to live as you do?
2. What are you most proud of in your life?
3. What makes what you are proud of so special, or different that you have chosen it?
4. What are you ashamed of?
5. Why are you ashamed of this?
6. Would you change it if you could, or has it developed your character?
7. If you were to die tomorrow, are the people you love and want in your life surrounding you now? If not, why not?
8. Are you living authentically?

These are all important questions to examine, ones that may need visiting from time to time. Our genetic makeup influences us to be one way, and our environment molds us into the ways in which we perceive life as we know it. This becomes our truth.

A Fine Balance

Dozer was a fine balance.

Look at this face! Do you see both masculine and feminine qualities? The jaw so set, strong, one tooth jutting forward to warn of determination, perseverance and purpose. Then peer into those brown eyes, they are nearly human, his old soul, full of complete accepting, unconditional and tender love. His concern and how to serve those he loved spoke louder than words. Dozer was a perfect balance of feminine and masculine. That was what was so unique about this special dog, you felt safe and protected while in his presence, and loved no matter what!

As i read, study, and take classes that reflect upon history, gender differences, politics and humanity, finding a balance by allowing it to evolve naturally seems to be such an important necessity in life; yet we are so often polarized between the giving and taking of all things, particularly love.

spoon feeding Zion--she is nearly human

Human behavior is generally quite consistent. Sometimes my boys will shock me, but most often i predict with ease how they react to circumstances or any given situation. The same goes for close family members and friends. One sure thing is Zion's behavior, my faithful Boston terrier. I suppose this is why dog is what has been phrased as, "man's best friend" for their unconditional love is endearing to us as humans.

women soldiers--ask their comrades? Don't judge it unless you've been there

I love being a woman. I also don't mind being a leader when necessary, however being labeled as a "boss," well, not so much. A boss or bossy creates a negative connotation to me. I hope after 20 plus years of being a "boss" i have learned to lead rather than boss people. It certainly has taken some hard lessons down the school of hard knocks (I have many years there, still not graduated). We categorize behaviors by their masculine and feminine nature, hopefully recognizing one not being better than another, just different.
All men and all women resume both masculine and feminine qualities, celebrating and recognizing both in ourselves can bring satisfaction and joy. This is a fine balance, no matter what gender you are.

male nurses? ask their patients--don't judge unless you know

Discomfort from PAC the PUP

everywhere he's not supposed to be, yet he's a pup in training, these things take time

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or  truer answers.

M. Scott Peck

Last night at approximately 45 minutes prior to the first PAC 12 kick off game at the Rice Eccles stadium the University of Utah Utes hosted Montana State. i wanted to be part of the festivities as i am a student and fan (without tickets to the game) so i took my dog Zion and my new grandog PAC on a walk--destination: MUSS section touted as one of the best college crowds in the country,  to join the crowd and meet up with my kids. PAC the effervescent American/English Bulldog PUP did rather well walking beside Zion in his newly purchased red (albeit too big) harness.

Grandmog was quite pleased, then it happened, we are outside the stadium and the band begins to pound on the percussion; and PAC starts into some fit of panic and squirming unfamiliar to me and certainly uncomfortable to bystanders as no one seems to come to the aid of the funny lady battling with one out of control dog and one completely disinterested yet well-behaved dog.  Hummm?

I shuffled PAC as far away from the sound, which happened to be on the curb of 5th South, certainly not a quiet street being shortly before the biggest game ever to be hosted at the stadium. "OK! Where is the DOG WHISPERER?!"
 

PAC's "Dog Whisperer" Dad Tan

I think to myself "calm and assertive." I hold PAC closely to my body and calmly rock him. Zion is basically nonchalantly acting..."as IF PAC, get a hold of yourself, we are in public and you are making a FOOL out of all of us, especially yourself!" She patiently stands close and waits. One man does stoop down and said to me, "you have a scared puppy there?" I say, "yes." He leaves, this is no time for dog chit chat. I cannot loose my focus i must hold on to this pup for if i don't i take the chance of him darting across this busy street and getting loose or much worse he could get hit by a car...cause an accident.


 I look up and low and behold a UofU VIP bus is slowing in front of me on the road and i pick that pup up (all 30 squirming lbs) of him, Zion faithfully following me no matter where i go. Driver sees my determination to get on that bus no matter what, he opens the door and i say "i need a ride, just a block or two or i'm going to lose control of this nervous pup." The driver is not so amused. But the VIP's on the bus are kind and inquisitive to my darling scared grandog and we enjoy dog talk for less than 5 minutes, and i am in safety zone past the heavy sound of percussion.  We have control, not calm, but at least control.

but can i trust you?

I seem to find myself in these predicaments at times and then i look for the lessons and it is summed up in this...PAC and I learned to trust one another during that time. We were both uncomfortable for a time, but through that trust we found a way to work through a situation that could have turned out unfavorably. We bonded that much more and for that i am even more crazy about that pup. i expect our relationship to continue to grow. that's how it works, risk, put it out there, trust, learn, grow, move forward, repeat. When i think about it the alternative is to retreat, think he is too much work or give up. When unconditional love is the prize it's worth some discomfort, and searching for different ways could be exactly what the PAC needs.

contentment after the discomfort

Too Much of a Good THing

It was a busy day at the salon today, but not too busy to snap these priceless pic's of Zion.

"How long do I have to stay in this air conditioned office? I'm freezing!"

Yes that's a sweater in August. And she is lying on the hot pavement.

One dog's bliss is another's misery? Could it be possible we sometimes get too much of a good thing? Zion has no idea how good she has it, but then again maybe she does.

I sure appreciate my slippers and sweater... in August.

It's Tomorrow

It's tomorrow. I wrote this blog titled Until Tomorrow after finishing my 4th semester at the "U." I was looking forward to some life changes, namely transferring to Weber State, which i did, but life does not always turn out exactly as you plan and you take some 180's. I start back at the "U" on Monday and I am looking forward to two classes from my fav Professor's.

I was looking forward to throwing on a suit, laying by a pool and reading a novel or two this summer. I also had ideas about "projects." Oh plenty of projects were accomplished, just not the ones i had in mind last May. I wanted to put all the old Super 8 and VHS videos on film for family preservation. Didn't happen.

 

My 3 MUSS boys.

What did happen is i was blessed with some great experiences with really beautiful people in my life. First, my boys, not nearly enough time, but that's what happens when life responsibilities hit you and you accept it head on. Second my parents, what awesome people all 3 of them are, each fighting their own challenges in life with health, aging, children, grandchildren and their own personal changes. They face them with tremendous valiance, they are great examples to me. My employees, for i have had an opportunity to reconnect and spend hours learning more about what they face each day at Phazes and i now have a new appreciation for our business and how they love and serve unselfishly. Last but not least the volunteering with Therapeutic Assets a horse therapy program for many special needs children and adults. The program is hosted at Allen Horse Play which is owned by my parents, where i call home. i grew up on this (used to be dairy farm) now horse stables, and it brings me peace each time i am able to spend time on that hallowed ground and remember my roots.

Zion loves every Thursday at the Stables. The horses do not love Zion, she is annoying.

 If your tomorrow does not turn out as planned, look at it this way, maybe it is for the best and all things have purpose, lessons can be learned if you look and are willing to let things take their course...things are as they should be. You just have to have a funny thing called, faith.~

Forgiving Forgetting and Forging Forward

I remember my Grandma saying, "The older you get the faster time flies." How true it is!

As we age we accumulate more stuff. 

Families grow. Responsibilities broaden. We lose some of our innocence. 

Oh the innocence of a 5 year old...

 nothing quite like the perspective of  this little pistol, no wounds from life.

and a puppy...they bound and pounce about like there is nothing in the world to fear. How perfect.

And then we grow up and life hits us square in the face, 

or clocks us from the side.

The thing about life is, it just keeps moving on. No matter what, it doesn't stop, the lessons keep coming, the joy, the heartache and the clock keeps ticking. Einstein said that we could never really comprehend the concept of time and he also said, "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction."


I believe in miracles. I believe they happen every day, and they are missed easily, because life is busy and we explain miracles away as happenstance or coincidence.

Hearts heals, lives mend and we forgive, forget and forge forward. We are born with the capacity to forgive. We may lose it, for it is easy to accumulate wounds along the path of life's lessons, yet recognizing and acknowledging this tendency can free us from holding onto this self destructive behavior.


I ask for others to forgive me, and I ask God to help me have a forgiving heart every day. I find it much easier to sleep that way.

nap with Roxee 2 summers ago, may she rest in peace

A dog in my arms helps too...

Weeds & Basics of Life

These are desperate-low-budget sugar-craving-last-resort cookies. I grew up on them, and they are great milk-dunkers; and you can fix them in a flash. I may polish off the whole plate...and if i do I won't punish myself like i have in days gone by.

I am now better at recognizing good guilt--knowing you can do better for yourself, i.e., recognizing your SDB's (self destructive behavior), and bad guilt--holding yourself to some unattainable expectation. It certainly is easy to get lost in the pursuit of happiness substitutes. I suppose we are all working on the same things, to feel good, or better than...(whatever we measure something against)???

Regrets? Sure I have a few. I seem to be sitting right smack dab in the middle of raised children and witnessing my parents getting older, even my invincible dad getting  cancer. It makes you think a bit. When I talk to Dad now it's open dialogue, nothing is held back, everything is precious, serious talks, laughter and an occasional tear or two. We usually stick to laughter, oh the laughter and teasing, it's the best medicine...

I don't believe anyone ever woke up one day and said "today is the day I'm determined to do something I'm going to regret!" It seems stupid, yet we punish, ruminate, and try to find some type of explanation or blame for dumb or hurtful things that are in the past.

My awareness with each year hopefully improves? These are the life lessons...and we either get it or we don't.

Happiness becomes a choice, and the journey isn't over till it's over. Life lessons come  full circle and are always  poignant when willing to learn.

One of my favorite movies is about C.S. Lewis' life, called Shadowlands. He profoundly quoted, "pain is part of the deal."  Pain teaches us to embrace each relationship and its special meaning in our lives.

No regrets... Each day is a blessing, of beautiful wildflowers 

and weeds. 

If we look we can find plenty of beauty in weeds too.

Your Right to be Happy

I was given some kind of label, or diagnosis as it seems 8 years ago. They call it bipolar.
I give little attention to it now, simply because I am faithful to my 2 med's and I am knowledgeable about mental illness. I am cognizant of triggers and keep myself healthy by managing my illness, much like a diabetic manages their illness. I believe there are many who may live happier lives if they would pay attention to their own life; i.e. have awareness of their own behavior. People in general are awfully judgmental towards another. That may sound quite judgmental in and of itself, it's not meant to be. Shouldn't we pay more attention to our own business and life, keeping our own lives in check, rather than casting opinions towards how others live?

I find it interesting how some people have so much time to worry and talk about other people and their choices, yet they don't take time to examine their own. How many times have I said, "walk a mile in somebody...ahh, you can finish the rest.

On my drive home from work tonight i spoke to T.J., he was out having fun with some friends. Our conversation was delightful and with a cheery attitude he said, "my house caught on fire, my dog's died, my grandpa got cancer and my parents are getting divorced, but I can still get out and have fun, life goes on." It almost sounds like a country song.

Life teaches us many things and it certainly changes. Sometimes we don't choose those changes. Sometimes those changes hurt, they hurt a lot; but we can choose to carry on and we can choose the high road. The road that leads in the direction that will take us to greener pastures or so that is usually our plan. Optimism is always the best plan. I've never known a happy pessimist. I'm trying to give up being Right, I just wanna be Happy.

Pigtails

Yesterday I said to Zion, "the best things in life are free...or a buck ninety-nine." I was referring to my recent purchased of Chips Ahoy cookies that i got at the bargain price of $1.99.

I just want to play soccer Mom.

I like simple things, cookies, pigtails and my Dad. This morning on the drive to the farm to see my Dad I called Mom and wished her a "Happy Father's Day." I thanked her for all the times she had brought out power tools to help me hang or fix things, she's a handy woman. She laughed and asked, "well did you wish your Dad, Happy Mother's Day, on Mother's Day?" I said, "no, but I should have because he put my hair in the best pigtails in grade school!" We had a great laugh because i loved how my Dad's fingers were the right size for nice ringlets; Mom's fingers were too small. Dad's hands are massive and he got pretty good at putting a hair pin in too.

One of our Vegas Trips

Today as I ate breakfast in the same place i grew up in, looking out the same window at the farm, circumstances in our lives have changed; Rondy, Mom #2 sat to my left, Sherry and Dave my brother and sister were not there and I have raised my 3 boys. It was quiet yet peaceful, the cows have been replaced by horses and there is beauty all around because there is still love in that little old home on the farm. Lives change but love is eternal...and life is eternal...all is well.

After storms God sends Rainbows

A Tribute to the Two Yeawhoo's

Mr. Dozer

Oh how we miss these FUNNy, adorable babies...and how blessed we are that T.j. woke up... we must look for all the positives in life amongst the fires that whip through.

What doin' Gramog? Can we have some??

Life goes on now, and I believe life goes on eternally. I still have talks with Dozer, they are just a little different now, and  i have always said "he is an old soul" and he lives on and still patrols, just now from a different sphere.

On May 21, 2011 at approximately 3:00 a.m. my son's home caught on fire in the laundry room. He tried to put it out by running to get a garden hose but it was too late. Tragically he could not get to his beloved dogs, Roxee and Dozer. At sunrise the family gathered and buried them together, as these two yeawhoo's always were TOGETHER, in the back yard. T.j.'s upper floor has been torn down and is now in process of a full reconstruction. All is well.

Life is hard at times, but we can choose to look at all the good it has brought us, and look to the future for all its possibilities, but most of all...just enjoy what we have, HERE and NOW.

Until Tomorrow

What's important to you?  
What motivates you? 
What do you fear the most?

What brings about those fears? Often we fear what we do not know or cannot control, last time I checked no one has a crystal ball that actually works, do they?



We as human beings have a tendency to compare...be it our material possessions, our appearance, our status, even our children! We jockey one against another and it is all to our self detriment. It is human nature to be self interested and it is also human nature to steer away from pain...for these reasons we conflict in so many ways.

Our family is no different and we have gone through divorce, death, bankruptcy, religious dissension, and political dogma.

We roast each other for our foibles and sometimes hurt each other's feeling...and we get over it...






our family is a group of communicators, and through pain and strife, we end up working it out.

My Mom and Rondy Mom2 sharing laughs about the grandchildren

Love conquers all.

I am going to take some time off from wildflowers and weeds blog. I have some people, projects, and priorities that I would like to give complete attention to. There is a time and a season for everything. Summer is my favorite season; I intend to enjoy it.

I don't know what's ahead. No one ever does, but I trust and move forward with complete faith and optimism for what ever the future holds is... as it should be.

Politics!

Osama Bin Laden is dead, or is he? Interesting stuff? Yes. Does it matter? Yes. Can you believe everything you hear?

I'm NO more inclined to talk politics now, (even though it is my minor) than I was years before...for these reasons: 

• depending on one's vantage point ideas and beliefs differ 
• the dogma often times becomes so strong you cannot hear the facts above the opinion and emotion
• we often only know the facts that support our viewpoint
• who can you trust to report the "truth"
• if what is being reported politically is repetitive or sensationalized its just media  
• I have more constructive things to do than hate everything about what is going on in my country and the world

 For the record I don't trust or believe everything I hear or read, but what does it really matter in your life? What matters in the big scheme of things to me, is my part and contribution as a citizen and holistic entity to the world is, am I doing MY best?

When you are in school facebook is a required course of distraction. It's convenient to pop in and read a brainless news feed. It is rather addictive when a professor is droning on...yes even for the "non-trad's." One of my "friends" on facebook went on a four letter tirade towards the government about Bin Laden, which yes we have free speech, but if one is SO unhappy and upset, maybe one should change. Many borders are open into other countries. Just saying.

We don't have all the answers. Politically, personally, this is a life journey, and we work on getting the most out of it that we can. One step at a time.

Cancer & Friendships

I have been spending some time this last week at the hospital with a dear friend whose husband has cancer. She was my dance teacher when I was a teenager and our families have been intertwining ever since. Her husband and my father have been trekking to Idaho for holistic treatments and it has improved the quality of both of their lives, and the bonus, a beautiful friendship between Dad and Jerry was formed.

We have had tender, straightforward and poignant talks of death amongst several of us, both at my visits to the hospital and my conversations with my own family as I brought back reports of Jerry and the families circumstances. Each day brought about new emotions of either progress or setbacks, as only this type of life altering situation does.

I copied this quote Dixie had tucked in her purse in my favorite little book "Stillness Speaks"...

"I am not afraid of tomorrow for I have seen yesterday and I love today."

 ---William Allen White

This past six months and past week has taught me immense, HUGE life lessons...I do not fear death...in any respect...I mourn the idea, the very fact that I know, but can fully embrace the fact that my father, my brother who already passed away tragically nearly 18 years ago, and all whom i love WiLL die. I have shamefully begged to die many times in my life; whether that be because of my mood disorder or my situations, it does not matter. I am over that now because what I know NOW is that I TRUST; I fear no more. This life is meant to live until we die. There is a time for everything, a time to suffer, a time to mourn, a time to learn, a time to teach and this life is meant to be happy, but happiness is a choice.

The question remains in the bravery of choosing happiness over being a victim.

Wearing Purple a Red Hat and a Rocking Chair

It is 6:30 A.M.! in the morning as I begin this stupid blog...I have been up attending to my business trying to get to that FINAL paper my favorite professor of the semester is allowing me to write in lieu of taking the final. An option I took since exams and I do not seem to get along so well.

I have no business idling my time away "blogging" but as I was updating finances from my computer an email from an OLD friend delighted me...I MUSt sHARE an excerpt...edited by ME!

When I am an old I shall wear Purple with a Red hat which does not go, and does not suit me.

Which is why I shall love it and wear it all the more...

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain, which is ridiculous because my feet are always cold, but I shall do it anyway. And I will pick flowers in other people’s gardens and spit again, just as I did when I was little on the farm.

I will continue to wear terrible shirts and fight to not get fat while I wolf down three pounds of sausage as I camp in my tent, or "vacation home" as I like to call it! 

For now I will continue to hoard colored pens and highlighters and keep things of all kinds in COLORFUL little bags...

For now I must have clothes that have a small amount of bling, and I  must pay our bills and only swear a little bit.

And Oh NO never have friends over for dinner, MUCH too busy for THAT! Read the paper, a good book, Not a CHANCE...

But maybe I ought to practice a little now? So people who know me are not too shocked or surprised, when suddenly I am old and start to wear Purple, (swear a little more) and wear that  Red HAT? And it would only be appropriate that I bedazzle those hats...In honor of my sister, of course.

 What I really look forward to is that "rocking chair" on a porch, any old porch, a quiet one.

A Degree of Change

I have enjoyed my commute to and from the University of Utah the past year and a half. Whether I would blast my tunes, catch up with business phone calls or chat with a friend, the time was enjoyable and well spent.

Today as I left campus a swell of emotion hit my chest, no tears spilled over for I have learned how to control emotion rather well these last few months. I believe today was my last day attending class as a student at the "U."

Life changes and we accept the changes and challenges before us. I am enrolled for Fall semester but will be withdrawing and applying at my old Alma Mater, Weber State. I never officially received my bachelors there, I was only a few credit hours shy of a business degree. Now I have my general ed's under my belt and I am nearly ready to officially start into the Social Work program. It's a lot of education with no degree so far, and I don't regret an ounce of it.

When life requires you to make changes and you reflect back on what meant the most on the journey, it is always the people. I had two Professors that made a profound impact on me. Oddly enough they were in political science, my minor. I have two regrets leaving the "U." One is that I will not be taking another class from Dr. Holland or Dr. Garrott. They are incredible teachers and wonderful people, and I am grateful I had the opportunity to sit in class and learn from the best.

BAT CHASERMAN?

The other regret is that I will not be taking Social Work classes with my son Chase. Yet we know that we raise our children to be their own Person. I have no doubt Chase is just that indeed. He is very much IN charge of his own life...I love this child of mine! He will be a fine therapist one day. (Please take off the mask however, it will frighten the children).

Something to Ponder

I have often wondered what percentage of the population suffer from false consciousness (and I am not talking in a political sense). And what percentage of the population, SERVE those who are in a state of false consciousness...

No Bragging Allowed

I have had some incredible experiences with some remarkable people in my life. The list does not include anyone famous, no presidents, no movie stars, just ordinary people doing extraordinary things, quietly with no pomp and 
circumstance.

In fact they hate pomp and circumstance, and when someone makes a fuss they retreat.

What motivates some people to do the things they do???

We all have a need to love and belong to someone, somewhere... 

 

to have purpose and feel needed...

it plays out on that "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs" of which I referred to a blog or two ago. 

Chances are you have people like this in your life also, the unsung hero. They make our world a BEautiful place...