Happily Ever After

Holidays can be hard for so many people. I've had my share of down in the dumps Christmases where i didn't want to get out of bed. Four years ago i had no job, T.J. had fired me (temporarily), flat broke, no driver's license and no Kevin.

I watch the Hallmark Christmas shows and wonder, how many places look so perfect with ribbon and lights and bows? How many people are young and fit, rich, down on their luck, only to have everything in the end fall in to place? Hallmark can make a great story line of love being resisted, only to end up professing love in the end, and everyone lives happily ever after...

Well, maybe, just maybe if you believe, really project to the universe that you are and can be happy, and never, ever quit trying, it can and will happen.

Last year at this time i was approved for TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) treatments for bipolar depression. I was fortunate enough to have sought out an insurance company that would cover my treatments at the tune of about $25,000.00, my out of pocket was about $1,500.00.

I had 34, 3 minute treatments in the Spring and truly i feel my brain chemistry has changed. I have submitted to my insurance to have some follow up treatments simply because i have had some tough days; but nothing like the past 30 years.

My depression has been since as young as grade school where i would tell my mom i was sick and she would let me stay home from school. Fighting the black dog became a constant by the time i was in my thirties. 

My brother passed away in a tragic car accident when i was 30. My parents had divorced only a short time prior to my brother's death. our family had forever changed. These circumstances in my family really took a toll on me.

I am sure my brother had bipolar depression as well. But at that time we were so ignorant of the illness. I was not diagnosed with bipolar depression until i was 40. Then came the challenge of finding medications that helped. When i got a new doctor or therapist, they would ask what meds i have tried. I replied, "let's start with what meds i have NOT tried."

I have a library of books on mental illness, addiction and self-help. Positive thinking, really controlling your thoughts go a long way in preventing the blues. Not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future is such a key in staying happily present in your life. Living in the now is a discipline, and one that goes a long way in mental health. And sometimes i just wake up and my brain is foggy, my body feels heavy, my thoughts easily turn to the negative and i am right back there entertaining the black dog in my body and mind. Maybe you can relate? Some people can't and never will.

I have spent many days in bed in my life trying to shut out the pain, only to be alone with my thoughts that perpetuated the sadness. Working with TJ my son has been a godsend because he is so adamant that i get up every day and go to work. Getting my mind from spinning out of control has taught me that lying in bed worsens my mood. So, i now push through it and life truly is better.

There are so many more treatments for mental health now than ever. Ketamine treatments are also proving to be a great influence for happiness in the brain.

I will be 60 years old next year. I have worked six days a week for the last nearly eight years. I just took a 2 week cruise in the South America sun with the love of my life, Kevin, my oldest son TJ and his family. Never have i taken a 2 week vacation in my life and it gave me some time to think and really decompress from the worries and stresses that have accumulated in my body for years. I exercised, listened to some powerful books and thoroughly enjoyed being present with 2 of my 4 grandsons.

 I haven't been around young children for that amount of time since i was a young mother. When i was a young mother i had heavy responsibilities that would take my mind out of the present. Now, with grandchildren, and my life settled with love and financial prosperity it is much easier to live each moment being present. 

I saw each one of my grandsons yesterday. All were happy and content and surrounded by love. My boys are wonderful fathers. Their wives incredible mothers.

If this holiday you feel alone know that life can change, and it can change for the better. Most of it is allowing life to be as it is and accept what is. So much resistance to life will never amount to anything good. So often in this country, because of what social media and pressure to keep up with the Joneses puts upon us can keep us down. Control your thoughts, your thoughts are what make your life. You are what you think, and taking inventory of those thoughts will put you in the right direction.

Bad brain chemistry is real, but you can fight it, or accept it as it is and decide to help yourself in any way possible. Search out new treatments, search out new medications that may help you. Talk to a counselor or trusted friend. Eat better, sleep better, move your body more. All of these things DO make a difference. They may not "cure" you, but they go a long way in keeping you out of bed and out of self pity. Life can be good, even when it's not. Just go travel to third world country where poverty prevails. You will see a lot of sadness, but you will also see a lot of happiness. Generally speaking, you will always find what you are looking for. One thing for sure, if you see yourself as a victim, you will never be happy. You may have been victimized in your life, you do not have to be a victim.

It is Christmas day. If you are alone, if you are sad, i urge you to get out a journal and write down everything you are grateful for. Write down what you want your life to look like, and be realistic, and then start living as if that life is real...before you know it, it will be! We can live happily ever after, try it!

In Acapulco with Bode (always screwing off for pictures) and our little wild Cobee

Treatment and Hope for Depression

 The results are in!..or at least i hope they are.

Two months ago i began an all out effort to treat my dark depressive episodes. I had begun TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) and an 8 week meditation course.

Shortly after i started this i really started feeling better. Call it placebo, or whatever, but the fact is i did feel and believe good things were to come of my efforts.

I finished TMS this week after having 34 treatments. I did get used to the procedure and was able to finish with the goal of 72 as the most effective measurement. I started at 51. I used music to distract me from the discomfort of the treatment, and 3 minutes would go by rather fast.

I was given a survey on a regular basis to monitor and measurme my mood, my sleeping and my eating habits. I started out pretty low and finished with stellar results. I do feel different, i just do not know how to explain it.

There is a differnce between chemical and situational depression. Situational depression will improve as circumstances in life improve. Chemical depression comes on, triggered by what?..sometimes nothing. I could feel the difference. Chemical depression shattered all hope and enjoyment out of life for no particular reason.

I'm not sure what the future brings but i am now hopeful that the crushing depressive episodes from my past are gone. Time will tell.

EMDR has been (still having sessions), interesting. My first session was emotionally draining. Subsequent sessions have been ok. The goal is to reprocess traumatic events from the past and let them go. I can honestly say that i do not live in the past any longer. When i think of my past i have good and bad memories. I'm sure everyone is that way. The painful things in my past are just part of my story and i can let it be in the past. For the most part i do not harbor bad feelings towards many...there are still a couple. I am working on that.

Meditation is absolutely AWESOME! I look forward to getting in bed every night and just, well just having a present awareness of my body, my breathing and my thoughts. Meditation is not about not thinking because thoughts just naturally come and go, but it's different when you are in a meditative state. You let the thought go and then revert your thought back to a present awareness of your body. I do a 33 minute body scan. Sometimes i fall asleep. My goal each night is to relax and be in a grateful state of mind for my life.

The final thing that i have added to my life is nightly devotionals with my love, Kevin. We read from 4 books each night. Jesus Calling, Jesus Listens, Stillness Speaks and the Bible. This gives us time to connect with each other and connect with our Higher Power, God.

I'm happy. I'm hopeful and in the best place i have ever been with my business and with my relationships with my loved ones and with myself.

A New Journey

I have fallen into a dark depression..ya, i know the drill, eat right, exercise, take my meds, meditate, do something i enjoy, self-care........problem is, when you're depressed you enjoy nothing. I am trying, really i am but this shit is no fun. No one chooses to be depressed. Life happens, and life happens when you're trying to make a better life. 

 I am doing 3 things to battle this disease i have. 

I am having TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). It is a non-invasive treatment that uses electromagnetic pulses to stimulate nerve cells, which may improve symptoms of neurological or mental health disorders. It mainly treats depression. There’s also some evidence that TMS may help other disorders, like anxiety, OCD, PTSD, chronic pain, Alzheimer's and Parkinson’s disease.

I've had one treatment, and to describe it would be this: have you ever been electrocuted when you were plugging something into a light socket? It feels like that with only five times the power. It just zaps your brain. I will have 30 treatment, 5 times a week for 6 weeks. The goal is to get the strength to 72. I got to 62 on my first treatment. The treatment only lasts 3 minutes. I will have 30, so i figure, if this helps me to not feel this way for any time in my future it is worth a shot. 

It's only 90 minutes of getting my brain zapped! The success rate of TMS for depression is promising. Response rates for depression are between 30 and 64 percent. More research is needed to understand the success rate for other medical conditions. 

The second thing i will be doing is EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) with my therapist. This can be done by tapping and moving your eyes right to left. My therapist has 2 little balls that i hold in each hand and it blinks and buzzes back and forth.

The American Psychiatric Association (APA) has noted that EMDR is effective for treating symptoms of acute and chronic PTSD, panic attacks, sleep disorders and addiction. According to the APA, EMDR may be particularly useful for people who have trouble talking about the traumatic events they've experienced. 

I've had one session. It was emotionally exhausting. I'm going continue for a while and see what comes of it. There are no side effects. Bonus. 

The third thing i have signed up for is an eight week meditation course. Now this speaks to me the most. Thought discipline. The only negative thing about meditation is when you think you're no good at it, which is a myth. It's about awareness. Being aware of the space between your thoughts, but it's not about trying not to think, it's about recognizing those thoughts. It's very strange and very cool. I like it.

So, it's a lot, but when i do something i like to do it big, and i like to do it well. 

Wish me luck and stay tuned...