Happily Ever After

Holidays can be hard for so many people. I've had my share of down in the dumps Christmases where i didn't want to get out of bed. Four years ago i had no job, T.J. had fired me (temporarily), flat broke, no driver's license and no Kevin.

I watch the Hallmark Christmas shows and wonder, how many places look so perfect with ribbon and lights and bows? How many people are young and fit, rich, down on their luck, only to have everything in the end fall in to place? Hallmark can make a great story line of love being resisted, only to end up professing love in the end, and everyone lives happily ever after...

Well, maybe, just maybe if you believe, really project to the universe that you are and can be happy, and never, ever quit trying, it can and will happen.

Last year at this time i was approved for TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) treatments for bipolar depression. I was fortunate enough to have sought out an insurance company that would cover my treatments at the tune of about $25,000.00, my out of pocket was about $1,500.00.

I had 34, 3 minute treatments in the Spring and truly i feel my brain chemistry has changed. I have submitted to my insurance to have some follow up treatments simply because i have had some tough days; but nothing like the past 30 years.

My depression has been since as young as grade school where i would tell my mom i was sick and she would let me stay home from school. Fighting the black dog became a constant by the time i was in my thirties. 

My brother passed away in a tragic car accident when i was 30. My parents had divorced only a short time prior to my brother's death. our family had forever changed. These circumstances in my family really took a toll on me.

I am sure my brother had bipolar depression as well. But at that time we were so ignorant of the illness. I was not diagnosed with bipolar depression until i was 40. Then came the challenge of finding medications that helped. When i got a new doctor or therapist, they would ask what meds i have tried. I replied, "let's start with what meds i have NOT tried."

I have a library of books on mental illness, addiction and self-help. Positive thinking, really controlling your thoughts go a long way in preventing the blues. Not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future is such a key in staying happily present in your life. Living in the now is a discipline, and one that goes a long way in mental health. And sometimes i just wake up and my brain is foggy, my body feels heavy, my thoughts easily turn to the negative and i am right back there entertaining the black dog in my body and mind. Maybe you can relate? Some people can't and never will.

I have spent many days in bed in my life trying to shut out the pain, only to be alone with my thoughts that perpetuated the sadness. Working with TJ my son has been a godsend because he is so adamant that i get up every day and go to work. Getting my mind from spinning out of control has taught me that lying in bed worsens my mood. So, i now push through it and life truly is better.

There are so many more treatments for mental health now than ever. Ketamine treatments are also proving to be a great influence for happiness in the brain.

I will be 60 years old next year. I have worked six days a week for the last nearly eight years. I just took a 2 week cruise in the South America sun with the love of my life, Kevin, my oldest son TJ and his family. Never have i taken a 2 week vacation in my life and it gave me some time to think and really decompress from the worries and stresses that have accumulated in my body for years. I exercised, listened to some powerful books and thoroughly enjoyed being present with 2 of my 4 grandsons.

 I haven't been around young children for that amount of time since i was a young mother. When i was a young mother i had heavy responsibilities that would take my mind out of the present. Now, with grandchildren, and my life settled with love and financial prosperity it is much easier to live each moment being present. 

I saw each one of my grandsons yesterday. All were happy and content and surrounded by love. My boys are wonderful fathers. Their wives incredible mothers.

If this holiday you feel alone know that life can change, and it can change for the better. Most of it is allowing life to be as it is and accept what is. So much resistance to life will never amount to anything good. So often in this country, because of what social media and pressure to keep up with the Joneses puts upon us can keep us down. Control your thoughts, your thoughts are what make your life. You are what you think, and taking inventory of those thoughts will put you in the right direction.

Bad brain chemistry is real, but you can fight it, or accept it as it is and decide to help yourself in any way possible. Search out new treatments, search out new medications that may help you. Talk to a counselor or trusted friend. Eat better, sleep better, move your body more. All of these things DO make a difference. They may not "cure" you, but they go a long way in keeping you out of bed and out of self pity. Life can be good, even when it's not. Just go travel to third world country where poverty prevails. You will see a lot of sadness, but you will also see a lot of happiness. Generally speaking, you will always find what you are looking for. One thing for sure, if you see yourself as a victim, you will never be happy. You may have been victimized in your life, you do not have to be a victim.

It is Christmas day. If you are alone, if you are sad, i urge you to get out a journal and write down everything you are grateful for. Write down what you want your life to look like, and be realistic, and then start living as if that life is real...before you know it, it will be! We can live happily ever after, try it!

In Acapulco with Bode (always screwing off for pictures) and our little wild Cobee