No Inspiration Yes Gratitude

I write purely if I am inspired, and if I feel passion or something has touched me. 

I do not recall any inspiration during the past couple of months. There have been things that have touched me, yet they are too personal to share in a public format.

Today is really no different, yet gratitude is something i feel and i feel it in loaders full....

...for today i am grateful for my heritage of learning hard work on the farm from wonderful parents. 

I return to the farm as often as time permits now. 

I am grateful for all 3 of my parents, Mom, Dad and Mom2 all pulling together for our family in a differently structured way. Mom & Mom2 talk together, grand kids swing on the same swings I grew up on.

I am grateful for a new Phazes staff that has regrouped and come together. I definitely know talent and love that comes from passion kicking in... when I am lacking it.

I am grateful for true friends that come from years past...many years past...that love and accept, in spite of all that is said, or may not be said, that may look good, or may not look good, that is real or may not be real.

I am grateful for short loving text messages of encouragement. I am grateful for long personal email messages of those who align with certain things i have experience in my life and then they are brave enough and they, reach out.

I am grateful for dogs. My 3 new granpups, Kamakazi PAC, Cayenne and Ducati.

Another pillow bite the dust

No Bulldog here not LOVED liked CRAZY!!!

  Dozer and Roxee whose memory keeps a smile on my face... and still a tear in my eye. 


                                                           

                                     And Zion my faithful companion, never, no never ever, very far from my side.

I am grateful for 3 boys that call me Mom. All different. All beautiful. All respectful. All dog lovers.

Tandin & Baby PAC

Chase & baby Cayenne

T.J. & baby Ducati

 All completely connected BODY and SOUL...to me.

Depression: Do you get it?

I have struggled to get out of bed the past two months. Pushing myself to take care of business has been daunting. I am blessed to have a staff that is supportive and understanding of both my situation and my chemical challenges. Situational depression is one thing, chemical depression is altogether another. It invades my thoughts, my ability to rationalize and takes away hope. If you have experienced this you understand. If not you will be critical, think that if she "ate better, exercised, took vitamins, prayed harder, went to church, wasn't getting divorced, worked more, worked less, wasn't going to school, just went to school and gave up her business, gave up school and just ran her business, got in the outdoors, will feel better when it's summer, reached out more"...and on and on and on it goes. The advice and know-it-all-do-gooder's are endless. I appreciate them. They mean well. 

Mangy damned black dog

Everyone has an opinion, everyone has good intentions of what another SHOULD do with their lives. I take no offense, they're probably right, I've tried them all! And I still seem to catch this damned black dog. Hate him, loathe him, fear him much much more than death...but endure him I shall!

For those of you who now, or any time in the past, have experienced depression in any degree, my deepest love and compassion goes out to you. I get it and this too shall pass.

Zion. Look at the compassion in her eyes. By my side for 9 years.

My only advice today, get a dog. ;) Good for the soul, depression or not.

Home and my Heart

Home. What defines home to you? And why is it so important? Is it the actual place? The memories, the people, the smells, the food, the history? It's all of those things and more...and it can change...and it can be in the past. It is in the past in a matter of minutes, whether we can allow it to be or not is our choice.

I try not to live in the past. It's a discipline. I try also not to live in the future. It's a discipline. Life changes and we make home where our heart is...where love is. Love, true authentic love that is easily exchanged. No conditions. No expectations, it's a journey getting there. Life is a journey and i have learned many many lessons on the way...and i am still learning them.

i posted this blog Long Way Home four months ago. Since that time i have moved to another home and i love it... Moving? Hate it. Enough said.

 This is the home where i grew up:

Not much has changed in the front yard, other than the trees have gotten bigger.

A lot has changed in the back yard. The dairy farm is gone. Allen Horseplay stables now are home for 40-50 horses. 

This is the home where all 3 of my boys grew into beautiful men:

Many girls came knocking at that front door for my 3 beautiful kind-hearted boys.

Soccer, volleyball, football, snowmen, and lots of dog chasing went on in this backyard.

T.J. my brave-loving-"make it happen" protector of the brood.





















                                                                 
Chase, my affectionate-loyal-loving-passionate mediator.








And Tandin, my calm-tender-hearted, stubborn intellectual. 

i love these boys with every fiber of my being. i would take a bullet for them without a seconds thought. They now establish their own homes and i follow them. It is as it should be. The proximity of my home does not matter, relatively speaking i have not moved much in my life, however it seems i have always taken the long road home. It is as it should be.

Friendship Life Lessons

A Christmas Perspective

Something may be taking place...right before you, in your life and your perception may be completely distorted or miscued. We live our lives through our own eyes and experiences. Of course!

To step out of your own box...your own shoes for a moment? is this possible in your realm???

I watch in awe as this painter, in a matter of a couple of minutes creates this...it's worth your time and reflection.

Beautiful & Amazing

What looks to be splatters of paint on a canvas, when turned upside down, becomes an entirely different picture altogether.

This morning I picked up my notebook that i have written goals, and journaled in over the last 10 years. I have written in it intermittenly, most of my journal is kept privately on my computer. I read through the entries and gained some rather important insight as to my growth. I am both humbled and proud of who i have become through the triumphs and the defeats of my life.

The insights i gained about my life and who i have evolved to be, because of my experiences brings me both elation as well as heart ache. Today i work diligently on living for today, in the moment, enjoying what i have, loving who is in my life and what i can do to serve and love those around me. Life is full and simple...and if i choose empty and complicated. It depends on the way i flip it.

This year i have not bought a single gift for Christmas, nor will i receive any either, and this is exactly as it should be. Each year is different, and love grows through experience, humility and perspective.

I wish you the happiest of holidays~

Christmas Light Braggin' Right

 Competition seems to happen in ALL neighborhoods.

I'm not very impressed with show off's and bragger's. 

I AM however, 

crazy about humorous folks with NO EGO...

sometimes it's hard to tell which is which.

And sometimes, not.

Voyage of Discovery

 

High Winds on the Yellow Brick Road

Last Thursday December 1, 2011 was an unusual day for Utahn's, particularly in Davis County. As I drove to and from the University of Utah I was thinking, "could I be in Kansas or better yet could I wake up in Oz?" But naaaa, no yellow brick roads around here, just another day of dodging shrapnel from the latest wind storm. This one was a bad one.

I-15 littered with semi-trucks on their sides.

Greasy side up!

Wrong place. Wrong time. Definitely.

So do you consider yourself lucky, unlucky, blessed, better, worse, privileged, ahhh, not so much if you were the owner of this car. How about the truck driver's who got the protected spots under the bridges? Lucky? Were they smart or did they get there first, maybe both.

As i tossed about in my low profile car quite confident, although shaky, i still felt safe. Then i thought about the vulnerability of these unsuspecting truck drivers innocently passing through this stretch of highway, only to be tipped completely over or halted for hours. The line of high profile trucks stopped along the side of the freeway was nearly comical. Do they still use CB's these days? "HEY good buddy, you got your ears on? Cuz there's a whole lotta greasy side up..."

As a child one of the scariest movies I watched repeatedly was the Wizard of Oz. I was terrified by the Wicked Witch, even though I knew the outcome, I still had that anxious and scared feeling throughout the movie. It has taken me a life time, as i now close in on 50 to face my fears, step up to all my responsibilities, and weather out the storms that come when least expected. I suppose I have always had this strength, I just now earned enough life lessons to get my red ruby slippers.

These things skip through my mind...are some born wearing red ruby slippers? Does this entitle them to privileges above others? Do some never get any slippers at all, possibly because they never even considered they were good enough to wear slippers, let alone red ruby ones? What entitles or differentiates one soul from another? I may have to travel to Oz to figure that one completely out. 

One thing I do know, Dorothy was lucky to have Toto...

Cancer, SDB's and HELL Part II

SDB's...or Self Destructive Behavior! We all do it, but to what degree? And do we recognize and own it? And is it life threatening? Drunk driving, drugs, over-eating, under-eating, over-working, over-playing, self-absorption, self-deprecating, or even giving up when cancer is the diagnosis? These are quite introspective questions.

As I had the pleasure of reading more posts from the Mesothelioma Cancer Blog I was inspired by the story of Heather Von St. James who had her lung removed, the lining around her lung, her 6th rib, and the left half of her diaphragm. The lining of her heart was replaced with surgical gortex. A heated chemotherapy treatment called "shake and bake" which heats a drug and was pumped through her chest cavity swirled around for an hour and pumped back out is partially credited for saving her life. What seems completely obvious to me was her will to live, her optimism took over and the mantra, "Dying was not an option." Powerful. Inspiring. I saw this same strong will in my Dad. Again, powerful, inspiring, and a blessing...to many.

We make choices in our lives. We make them every day. And we make mistakes, which in turn can bring us heartache and pain, yet if we are brave enough to face those mistakes and learn from them, we become richer by the day.

This is life and going through these things with those we love makes the journey that much more meaningful. Self destruction, sickness, recovery, health, death, all of these things are the roads we travel. Some of them alone, some together. All of them necessary to get to our final destination. When we can get to the point when we can look back, count our blessings and know that the pain, the mistakes and all the lessons brought us to who and where we are presently; and we can be thankful and grateful with no regrets, then life is sweet.

Is going through HELL part of appreciating and knowing when you may have already been or experienced HEAVEN? Can you experience Heaven here on earth? I have no doubt if asked, many of you would say you have experienced Hell. What and why the differences?

Much love on your journey, Lori~

Cancer, SDB's, and HELL Part I

Dad and Rondy Mom2 at Subway after Whole Health Treatment before Chemo started

Last November I was reeling with Headaches, Homework and Cancer. This year there is still homework, some headaches mixed with backaches, but no cancer! Seriously, my Dad, the tough yet humble old farmer that he is; brilliant, stubborn, cocky, kind, humorous, serious, take charge, loving man promised a miracle...and He, meaning the Lord, delivered. Esophageal cancer gone.

Dad and my sis Sherry...tender.

I must admit I was fearful and lacked faith. However my parents have provided my sister and me with a level of stability that I suppose comes with many "dysfunctional loving families." I honor and admire my parents for all they stand for, endured and overcame throughout their lives. All 3 of them have great integrity and character born from their trials in life. 


 
 I received an email and information about lung cancer/mesothelioma from a reader back in August and he asked me if I would spread the word about lung cancer. Lung cancer is the second-most diagnosed cancer in both men and women. This disease is responsible for more than one-fourth of all cancer deaths that occur in the United States each year.

While the victims used to be overwhelmingly men, that gap is closing, says the ACS. Cigarette smoking remains the major reason for the disease, but environmental factors, exposure to second-hand smoke, and exposure to asbestos or radon are also responsible for many cases of this aggressive cancer.

Read more: http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/#ixzz1eLrEz8v7

As it goes in life we generally are not so interested in something unless it touches us personally. I remember as a young girl the fear of losing my beloved Grandma and Grandpa King because they smoked; I remember hearing that smoking would "kill you." In fact lung cancer did kill my Grandma and my Aunt Barbara, both in their 60's. My beautiful mother cared for these women whom she loved to the core to the day they died, loving them unconditionally. Yes, smoking kills and we have developed in our country an abhorrence for smoking, it has become socially unpopular. I have compassion for this enslaving addiction that kills. Those who have been imprisoned with addiction only know how it can rule your life and the further social judgments make it more painful. There are many self destructive things we do that kill or hurt us, some not as obvious as smoking. 

My oldest son turned to smoking at 16 years old to "calm his nerves." He kept it hidden from his friends; therefore it is obvious he was not doing  it because of social pressure. The cigarettes were a gateway to a 7 year path of drugs and alcohol, of which ended in a year long battle with methadone, a pseudo detox. The real detox was 2 weeks of HELL and another 6 months of physical withdrawal (methadone stays in the body for months) and mental/emotional mind over matter still to this day. He has been drug free coming up on 6 years.

Cancer, self destructive behaviors, self medicating, all touch our lives either directly or indirectly at some time. Knowledge and awareness can be the best defense and offense. 

I wish you the best in your journey...

No Rainbows without Storms

A few years ago i started a series of letters to my son Chase entitled "life lessons." I thought the subject matter was important, so i passed it on to my two other boys. While searching in a book store a year later, after some dear friends lost their 15 year old daughter in a skiing accident, I peculiarly came upon a book called, "Life Lessons." I purchased it and it has been one of my favorite reads, rereads and give-a-way books. The messages in it are poignant and life altering.

I began blogging while Chase was serving an LDS mission so he could read more life lessons and I had a way of expression and reaching out to those who may have gone through similar journeys, i.e. life lessons. I have been open, honest, candid and raw. Writing has been enjoyable for me, particularly when my dogs end up being part of my posts, they make me laugh, they have brought simple joy and healing. I have tried to share what may be of use to others, and keep some level of privacy.

Chase holding PAC, he loves his pic taken (PAC does).

When I begin writing a post I have no particular end in mind, some event or personal experience will cause me to think beyond the surface, learn something or I find meaning in it. All things are not monumental, yet with greater examination there are many miracles that happen day in and day out. As I get older I give gratitude for harsh life lessons. My harsh lessons have increased my awareness, accountability,  responsibility, compassion, perseverance and my appreciation for the simple things life has to offer. I feel less entitled this year than ever before. I cannot remember ever having worked more or harder at staying financially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy. I have learned to trust God and let my fears rest with Him.

 

(never, ever will i lose my humor, it is forbidden)

Today I am most grateful and completely indebted to God for carrying me when I was to weak to walk or even crawl alone.  I have been afforded mental health during situational stresses of great proportion. My boys have been sustained and learned the importance of respect, hard work and that being exactly who they are is completely perfect, despite what social pressures may be put upon them in our world. We choose to be happy and we also choose to own up to our mistakes and responsibilities with integrity. This is a lesson I wish for all.

Some events and some people may come like tornadoes into our lives, we know not where they come from, they whip through, cause destruction, and leave with the aftermath of clean up and healing. Other events and people are like rainbows, the beautiful color is always there, it just takes time for the storm to clear, the sun to come out... and you must be looking for the rainbow. Once the colors of the rainbow start to heal your soul and you have felt its purity, its truth will never die. Living in full color rather than grey or black, is a place I personally had to go to; it was then I was able to see and experience my rainbow and the journey ahead looks beautiful. My rainbow was never very far away, the storm was just long, but my rainbow is beautiful and I would never have recognized the rainbow had it not been for the storm.

My Dad caught a picture of this double rainbow on our farm where i grew up. Priceless.

Timing and preparing your life to receive love is everything. Rainbows are funny that way and I love every single color about them!

The Long Road Home

The long way home

Some pain is in your soul for so long it becomes unknown to you, you hardly know it's there, until it is gone... It's lingering affects have been chemical warfare silently killing you with each breath you take and each thought you make, or you have chose to bury it so long you were unaware it lived inside. My pain has been mostly private and silent, occasionally manifesting itself in a violent or melancholy dream or self destructive behaviors. This was mostly acted out in my 30's. I wonder, am I alone?, there must be others with some stories similar to my own?

I am getting older, hopefully wiser, feeling less entitled and more grateful for the roads I have traveled, no matter the bumps in the road. Life can be hard for many, and probably for most; no one is entitled to a privileged life, although the American dream still holds fast. I have not, or do not ever give up and it is not necessarily the monetary riches that i once sought in my 20's that i seek now, it is peace and contentment of a secure and fun life, filled with time, friends and family.

At this juncture I am no more, actually less inclined, to share my burdens with others, i find peace in the strength of a Higher Power. The pains that have exercised my shoulders to stand up, despite the discomfort, is exactly what gave me the perseverance through life's situational disappointments and tragedies. i hold no bitterness or no one at fault for these disappointments and tragedies, this is life lessons and the journey.

Some days it is hard to get out of bed, the day is filled with daunting tasks that ensure an overload of physical pain that will manifest in my back and neck. The difference today is I can get out of bed, in my world there is nothing worse thus far than not being able to participate in life. There were many days in years gone by I could not. Even getting into the shower was an insurmountable task. 

Each day now brings a new and different challenge, facing challenges alone as i am soon to join the ranks of being single at 48 is scary yet I embrace the new life for it is best for all concerned. My Aging and aching body is at the least annoying, yet proof that mind over matter has immense power. Watching my grown children make some choices i made at their age, yet different for their own reasons and very much each individually their own person, makes me burst with happiness and cry crocodile tears all the same. I allow them to live their journey and rejoice when they allow me to be with them, no matter the weather, sunny, cloudy or torrential rains.

I live today for me. For me, I find purpose in loving others without conditions. Today i am fulfilling my purpose authentically. I have not always felt received by unconditional love. Conditional love is cold, hard and pain at it's finest. I now know I am perfect just as i am...and you are too. I am letting go of the pain. I hope your journey takes your there too. You must push through the pain, face the fear and sometimes be willing to leave the comforts of what you have to get what you want and really need more. What i wanted more was simple. Peace within. I hold no one to blame, i take full accountability for my past and my present. I am reminded...the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I am neither in sane nor was i willing to keep getting the same results. Life has been by no means horrible, as i make changes once again in my life, it is uncomfortable but i know i am growing and facing my fears and moving away from my pain. i follow my heart, my head has talked me out of many things many times, for even though i am free-spirited on one side, i am also pragmatic on the other.

Mental illness, though it can be a wicked debilitating disease it does NOT have to be. Taking medication to balance the neurotransmitters (brain chemistry), awareness of triggers and knowledge of the illness can keep you healthy and as functioning as any other person with any other disease. Mental illness has many different faces and it can be complicated and equally fascinating, there is no other organ on earth as complicated and powerful as the brain. There is absolutely no shame in a mental illness; there is if it is used as an excuse, or you become victimized or you victimize others by bad behavior. Knowledge and accountability is empowerment and  successful living. 

I would not change my experiences or that of my family history. I am deep and rich with emotion and feeling from many generations. I channel it positively and reach out and help others who have had similar experiences. I have yet to meet someone who has not been affected by mental illness, the question is who is comfortable talking about it openly? In absolute clarification, I am.

I have often taken the long road home.

Perspective & Unconditional Love

Some events become photographically etched in our psyche, and verbal tapes can play to and fro in our minds. Each individual can have a completely different perspective of the same event depending on your viewpoint and interpretation.

Where we may tread rough waters lie in believing our interpretation is the right way, and therefore everyone else is wrong. This rigidity is painful and a tough way to live.

For instance, one may look at this photograph and think, "BAD DOG, tearing up a $200 textbook is bad, very bad!" To PAC this may have been FUN! He may have been missing his Dad or Uncle, who were dutifully at school, the textbook just lying there as active bait for anxiety control! Who are we to judge PAC's frame of mind when he was doing his deed? Was he attacking ferociously, or was he playfully enjoying the paper as the books page's were flying about, or was he possibly feeling mischievous wanting to even the score after Uncle Chase did not share an ounce of his juicy hamburger? How do we REALLY know what is going on in a dog or any one's mind, really?

So we judge another by their actions and intent. We make mistakes in this life. Speaking for myself, my greatest lessons have been from the mistakes i have made, my recognition, acknowledgment and restitution of those mistakes. They have molded me into the woman i am today. I have learned not to judge others for choices they make, for i do not see things from their viewpoint, unless i know them well enough, it's best for me to make no assumptions and unconditionally love.

 

This journey called life frankly, has kicked my butt so hard lately, i don't know if I am coming or going, but I am neither special, entitled or different than anybody else. Life has many challenges and i am grateful every day that i have the health to get up and face each day. I am grateful I have a great family, good friends and a mind to think and act of my own accord. I am grateful to be at this stage of life, with experience and knowledge to understand and have insights, ability to listen to the wisdom of my elders, ambition enough to work hard from roots that taught me to never give up, and humility enough that ultimately I know in my soul that God is in charge. I know that as i trust Him, He can and will do more with my life as i seek Him for guidance and strength.

Balance has always been one of my biggest challenges. I am driven. It is easy for me to take things to the extreme, maybe you relate with this and maybe this is not your challenge at all? What ever your challenge is, speaking from experience...the first step in overcoming is recognition/ acknowledgment, having some type of support system and loving yourself through it, knowing that God is always on your side, no matter what. I learned this parable as i anguished watching my son detox off of drugs and i realized the love of a parent is pure and unconditional. There is nothing that could make me not love my children. This is exactly how God is with each of us, now i feel comfortable talking to Him about...everything!