Routines and CHOCOATE!!!

Routine? C'mon! Discipline? When your nature is free-spirited and your genetics give you the highs and lows...diagnosed by the experts as..."BiPolar?" Not a chance! But somehow, someway, in the heat of the fright of life, the responsibilities, the help of good sleep (thank you temazapam) and healthy chocolate, YES, I have found healthy chocolate. I have routine. For once!

My Mom had a mini stroke earlier this year, my sister has Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) which is a pattern of frequent, constant worry and anxiety over many different activities and events. And when Dad was diagnosed with Cancer last November, well I guess a sense of mortality and fright began to overtake me, not for myself but for those I love so much. Death is such a strange experience and so far my overall familiarity with it has not been that pleasurable. 


I have found routine and discipline to be my friend. It keeps my mind from wandering and over-reacting. Ultimately I know, and have always known what we have is Here and Now, and when I live right NOW to its fullest I am fine, in fact I am fulfilled. 

So I will get to my studies, so I can get to my workout then off to work. I have already had chocolate!!!

A short thought.

Beware of the bareness of a busy life

-Socrates

Cancer-an East or West Choice

Culture or the socially constructed ideas and attitudes that we adopt in our Western society is interesting. It's also humorous at times...my dad is also quite humorous to me. He loves the microphone...karaoke...Western music...OH I hated Eddy Arnold growing up! Yet ,the more I understand the more I accept. 

My dad at his 70th surprise Birthday party, graciously thanking everyone.

It was less than three months ago when I received news my dad has esophageal cancer that had spread to his lymph nodes and other organs which had deemed him in the dreaded "stage 4" realm. The Western medicine protocol was to begin immediate doses of chemotherapy. Chemotherapy works by killing fast-growing cancer cells. Unfortunately, chemotherapy drugs can't always tell the difference between cancer cells and fast-growing healthy cells, including red and white blood cells. As a result, one of the most serious potential side effects of many types of chemotherapy drugs is a low white blood cell count. White blood cells are responsible for fighting infection.

When I tried to educate myself a little more about what "chemo" really is, this is what I learned: the chemicals that are used, fit into four categories--

1. Alkylating agents 2. Vinca alkaloids 3. Cytotoxic antibiotics 4. Anti-metabolites.

ALKYLATING AGENTS are drugs that work by directly attacking the DNA of a cell. These drugs can work at any time of the cell cycle, but are most effective during DNA synthesis.

NITROSOUREAS are similar to alkylating agents, and work by inhibiting the changes necessary for DNA repair. A very important feature of this class of drugs is that they can cross the blood-brain barrier which makes them very useful for treating brain tumors.

ANTIMETABOLITES block cell growth by interfering with DNA synthesis. These drugs work by mimicking a substance involved in DNA synthesis, inhibiting production of an acid necessary for DNA to be synthesized.

ANTITUMOR ANTIBIOTICS work by binding with DNA to prevent RNA synthesis. These also prevent cell growth by preventing DNA replication. Antitumor antibiotics prevent the DNA from reattaching itself together which causes the cell to die.

And when researching the overall survival rates no matter where I looked, after being treated by chemo the outlook was not promising at an average of 2-5%. Here is one of those tables:


The following table was published in the journal Clinical Oncology in December 2004.  The results of this study were astonishing, showing that chemotherapy has an average 5-year survival success rate of just over 2 percent for ALL cancers! http://fiocco59.altervista.org/ALLEGATI/MORGAN.PDF


My dad was hooked up, ready to go, and the appointment was made to begin chemotherapy treatment. We celebrated Christmas at Dad's house, he was in good spirits, but we all had our battle gloves on, for we all knew the road ahead was not easy. And then the change of plans...he would attack cancer from the opposite side of the world!

Dad, Grandma Allen, at the Christmas Party 

The Eastern methods of working with the body, rather than killing the cancerous cells and many others along with it---he feeds his body with an abundance of everything that is good and positive and rid it of all that is toxic and allow dad's body to kill the cancerous cells and enjoy his quality of life THROUGH the process. Quackery? Huh? or is it cultural bias?




I'm not really an expert in any of it. This is my first real close experience with cancer. But here are some observations that I find peculiar in our socially constructed paradigms...

There is something called "taken for granted knowledge," that isn't knowledge at all.

Sensationalism and Negativity SELLs...

We each pursue happiness in our own way, and that diversity is a great thing~


I am grateful for a father and my mom#2, Rondy who have so bravely made a choice to follow what makes sense to them. I am saddened when there is judgment by those who think that my dad has not chosen the "right" path by refusing chemo. I am further amazed when one goes against the NORM how there is less attention given than if one chooses the traditions of the culture.

Dad and Rondy leaving one of the treatment rooms, with happy faces!

I find it fascinating that another cancer patient is considered a "public figure" because they have taken their treatment public and the sentiments are publicized and furthermore the Dr. is celebrated for his heroic efforts to save her life. I certainly have no ill towards her and I wish her all the best. I only wonder why naturopathic doctors such as Larry Womack has spent his life researching and teaching people about their bodies to empower people further and why he is criticized by the medical profession? It seems as though building a bridge between Western and Eastern medicine would be of great benefit for the patients of many diseases.

It seems to me we put a great deal into labels and words...

which is ok, I love words...

And this would be one of my top PiCks of Doctor's...East or West!

And my DAD, well I would only choose HIM!

Right, but on the Other Hand

Continuing on from...I May Be Wrong, But I Doubt it...
 

I am afraid that we put ourselves, and our loved ones through unnecessary pain because of our deep need to be right and/or our desire to be validated.

Even in this great country of America where we were founded on the idea of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,”

we have become so polarized by the two parties, (democrat or republican). We seem to be continually positioning one against the other and little progress is made. I sincerely doubt this is what our inspired forefathers had in mind when they defected from England and had a plan for democracy.

I will be the first to admit that I was indifferent to many situations in our country for a very long time. My attitude was, "if it did not affect me personally then I didn't pay much attention. I had my own “stuff” to worry about." Ewe narcissism at its best playing out…as well as ignorance. 

Change and awareness happens one person and one event at a time.

The events of 9/11 2001 changed our world forever, some things possibly on the positive and others on the negative, we can look at things from many perspectives. The facts are we cannot change what IS…but what IS to one person may feel, look, and BE different to another! 

Diversity is a great addition to any situation, family, school, town or country for we learn so many things from one another.

Sometimes it takes the youngest in the family to teach us the most valuable lessons.  A message from Tandin. He is a great example of listen and learn, for YOU may be Right, but on the other hand, THEY may be also!

I May Be Wrong, but I Doubt It!

Does rigidity, defensiveness or a closed mind hinder your relationships? Does it get in the way of your personal growth? I wonder about this. I have said this often about my family, “We would rather be RIGHT, than HAPPY!” Does this exist in You... or your family?

Dozer knows Chase is full of "Bull" sometimes!

Dr. Phil asked one of his guests on his show. “Do you want to be right or happy?” The gentleman quickly replied, “Can I be both?” My son Chase was watching and laughed and THEN, whole-heartily agreed with the gentleman! Chase thinks that is the way to live! Here is the problem you cannot be right all the time. Sorry.

Two "peas in a pod"

I bought a couple of shirts with the saying, “I may be wrong, but I doubt it.” I gave these t-shirts to special people in my life who seem to have a take charge, and-- I pretty much do everything right --attitude towards life. I love these people, yet they are sometimes difficult to have any type of discussion beyond what they believe is the way things are or “should” be. My oldest son T.J. is one of these beautiful people…did I raise him this way? In my observation it comes naturally, for this is in both his genetics and in his environment. T.J. and I are very much alike. 

I have found however that the more aware I have become of giving up wanting to be right, rather than sacrificing happiness, life has gotten EASIER and obviously much more joyful.

to be continued... ;)

Quality of LIfe Question

Woah, I'm glad that's over. Stomach virus hit both Tandin and me early Monday morning, just to welcome in a new semester of school. Kell had to leave work early on Friday, the darn bug had caught him there. And he thought he'd share with the other family members.

I cannot lie...was happy to lose a few lbs. Ridiculous.

I'm usually immune to stomach stuff, head problems are more my weakness. I can catch a headache any day of the week, but pass by when Kell has been laid out cold with the sweats...not this one. I'm a wimpy baby when it comes to nausea and things spinning when they're not supposed to. Laying by the toilet on cold tile, I just hate it. 

But let me share some insights as I laid in bed physically sick for 2 days:

1) Lying in bed is awful and days are long when your mind wants to get out of bed but your body won't let you.

2) Physical sickness is awful, but because there is usually an end in sight and you somewhat understand what is going on, you have more acceptance and others compassion.

3) If you are depressed (emotionally/mentally sick) and you cannot get out of bed, (do NOT judge this if you have never been there, you WON'T get it,) you cannot get out of bed physically, mentally, emotionally. You wish you could and you hate yourself for not being able to and it is a vicious circle.

4) This type of depression is so painful and so covert and many may not even recognize it for what it is. As a nation depression has been stigmatized as being weak. That is a myth.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from any type of depression here is my advise:

• treated yourself kindly 
• be aware of your SELF
• take inventory of your sdb's (self destructive behaviors) 
• reach out for some type of social support 
• be open to different medicinal approaches whether anti-depressants or naturopathic  
• seek professional help

If you ignore depression or any prolonged feelings of sadness, what quality of life do you have...and why are you not addressing it? Denial is not a coping mechanism; it's a cop out. I know, I've done it.

The "Me" Bucket

 

Today I feel empty. The bucket is dry. It has been an Emotional Week. I am a wife, mother, daughter,

sister, aunt, friend, boss, and gramog to my new little Lucy “pooh.” 

Lucy Lu aka Lucy "pooh"

Lucy required potty training every hour while she visited the last few days. Lucky me.

 

 Sometimes there is just not enough “me” to go around. Any other “me’s” out there?

Dudes have Emo Too

Gary, and his 3 children that he raised as a single parent.

A very special man, a brother-in-law to me passed away suddenly last Thursday evening. Gary had a way with words and in fact had published two books. His first was titled, “Used Man.”  He was a great example of… “Like me as I am, and if you don’t, I don’t give a rats ass.” Wow, I love you Gary!

After writing “Thoughts in a box” I started to think about the difficulty culture has put upon men in expressing their emotions. Our society has pigeonholed and labeled our boys from inside the womb. Their toughness has been expected, and the labeling has stifled the idea that men don’t have, can’t have, or display emotion. What? Why? How can that be possible? Men are spiritual/emotional/human beings every bit as much as a woman! The last time I checked on the emo of the men in my life, when they were being REAL, these were the most beautiful, endearing, wonderful, and attractive times I have spent with them. Emo does not always come out so easily; again, we have conditioned one another that this is not the way it is “supposed to be.” Well, times change, we don’t have to act tough to be tough.  The most rigid and defensive individuals are usually the most insecure (thanks Dr. D. for helping me to see this)!

So here is the challenge, how do men in our culture feel safe and masculine and still know that emotion is not just acceptable but a beautiful thing to show? I don’t really expect them to write down their epiphanies on pretty paper and put them in a decorative box!

Like any cultural change it takes time, knowledge and understanding and I think we are moving in that direction in some ways and in others we may be moving far from it. Which way is your family moving in?

Dad on his last homeopathic treatment for the day.

As I have watched the change and growth in my boys over the years from the teens and now into their 20’s and T.J. is now 30, I see great strides of improvement. I attribute much of this due to the challenges that we have gone through and triumphed over together. I am seeing an outpouring of uninhibited love and expressed emotion with Kelly and his brother’s as they say farewell to their first sibling to pass away. And I have seen a delightful positive outpouring of expression to and from my father in our family as cancer has invaded his body. Panic began to overtake all of our thoughts when we first received the news of my dad's cancer. We felt an  an urgency of celebrating life and love… yet lest we forget, we do not and cannot ever know when our very special Dudes can be called home…

Thoughts...in a BOX

One year for Christmas I gave my beautiful mother a decorative “Christmas” box with a copy of the book, “The Christmas Box” and a letter I had written to her. My intentions were to write her a letter each year so she could keep it in her pretty box. As good intentions go, no other Christmas letters have been written but my sweet mom has started a tradition of her own.

When we were little Mom made each of us our own Christmas stocking. Each of us was very proud of our stocking because she spent several hours on each one. Christmas day is now rather quiet for our family and after all the hustle of the season we welcome the peace. I asked my mom what she was doing for Christmas this year and she said, “I’m staying home alone and writing my letters to each of you kids. I like to be alone on Christmas.”

I found out several years ago that Mom started writing letters to Sherry, Richard and Amanda, (Dave’s children) and me.  Honestly I do not know what kind of a “stocking” my mom is putting these letters in, and I don’t care about the stockings, but I am touched by her love and expression of making it a tradition to write a letter to each of us. Sometimes the spoken word is difficult for us. What a treasure we will have for years to come when our loved ones depart and we have their feelings and words to reflect upon.

Sometimes we don’t capture the “moments.” Such as when our children say the cutest and funniest things! If you are a parent, I know you can relate. We think we will remember…well, we don’t! I did write down some of those things…I just can’t remember where I filed that paper…I know it’s here in the house…SOMEWHERE! 

So my advice, get a beautiful box, chest or trunk, and some pretty paper and every time your kids do something cute or funny jot it down and put it in your BOX. And don’t forget… sometimes we have an ephiphany or two of our own… write those down too, and then some time, grab a quiet night and open your box or boxes…and enjoy those quite times alone. You can reminisce, cry, laugh, and enjoy right where you are. Oh, and I suggest you indulge in your favorite drink and treat, a coke zero and a cookie would accompany me, along with a pack of dogs.

Roxee, Dozer, Zion...Lucy had not joined us when this was taken... and they are not as obedient since she has! We are working on things. Puppies. :)

The Power of Alone

I am a big fan of journaling. I have a diary from fifth grade, one from Jr. high, another from when I was a single mom, and now I frequently pop on to my computer and type a few words or pour out my soul, whichever seems to be the necessary call of the day.

My new granpuppie Lucy!

Some people find it hard to express themselves. I get that. At times I would rather stay at home and be by myself, retreat from the world and just connect to my computer with my passions or my grief. At other times I embrace life and people with the zest and excitement of a new puppy. This change in my “moods” is not necessarily my “bi-polar” disorder, it is really just part of my personality too. Sometimes I am extroverted and other times I am introverted. I don’t believe we have to be all or nothing, and furthermore, I really hate labels. I think we can get stuck with these labels in our lives and end up trying to fulfill them, these labels we are assigned sometimes from a very early age may or may not be what we really are deep in our souls after all.

What I have loved so much about journaling is that it is a place where I can be real with no judgment. I can purge my thoughts, feelings, frustrations, sadness, celebrations, and yes if I go back and read through my journal it is a documentation of my progression through life. And oh what a life it has been! I’m grateful for this journey, particularly for the struggles, for this is when I found out the strength of who I am and what I am made of. I have grown in character and compassion and it brings me great satisfaction when I can go through an experience with another person and have some sort of understanding and can say to some degree, “I understand.”

If you do not know yourself why not? Do you keep yourself so busy or preoccupied with other people’s business or problems to avoid your own? Or have you adopted some or many of the sdb’s (self destructive behaviors) that I have been involved in, i.e.: workaholism, addiction (of any kind), denial, avoidance, eating too many cookies in a day, buying too many clothes for your dog…you know stupid stuff like that! Stuff that makes you look like a crazy person and people label you “MENTAL.” EWE!!

So here’s the deal, not everyone is going to be into journaling. What IS important and what can really improve the quality of your life is AWARENESS. Eckhart Tolle was the first to really introduce it to me in a little book called Stillness Speaks. I still refer to it often, even though I randomly picked it up off of a bookshelf 10 years ago. And I quote:

Is suffering really necessary? Yes and no.

If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you as a human being, no humility, no compassion…Suffering cracks open the shell of ego, and then comes a point when it has served its purpose. Suffering is necessary until you realize it is unnecessary.

We all have choices. We all have challenges. We cannot compare or quantify the amount of suffering or for that matter achievements we have. Life is life and we go through it. If we make choices to try to avoid it, it has consequences…and at some point we pay the piper.

Sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed…and I don’t! I sleep, I read, I journal, but it’s my choice! On the other days I run like crazy, HA. I have a family, I run a business, I go to school and I love and care for people, and oh ya my dogs. So don’t judge me. And if you feel like staying in bed one day, go ahead, I wouldn’t judge you, the question is…would you, JUDGE YOU?

You get to know yourself when you are quiet and spend time ALONE…with YOURSELF.

Christmas Traditions and Change

Mom and Me at Cemetary

Some traditions live on…and some change. After Dave died we would gather around his grave on Christmas Eve and sing Christmas songs, shed tears, share stories, laugh through our tears and pray. That tradition changed a few years ago when the family got bigger and older.  Each of us still remember Dave through the holidays in our own way. I dropped off my wreath this year and was delighted to see he had been visited by many already. He is not one who is easily forgotten. He comes by a stature of command naturally through my dad’s lineage, (6 ft. 4, 230 lb.) so playing Santa was a natural and rather humorous affair for the adults who got to witness the event.

Back in the “olden days” when I was a kid there was no Santa costume and Grandma Allen bought red and white tissue paper for the children and we would create Santa on my dad which was fun, albeit certainly no mystique in the legend of Santa. Then one year investment in the whole Santa costume get up was made and the delight of Christmas parties was never the same! Year after year Dad plowed his body into that hot costume and HO-Ho'd his way with bells and a bound into all the family parties and a few others. I’m not sure who had more fun, the kids or Santa?!

Dave as Santa holding Richard

Dave watched Dad pour on the Santa charm and took over in his twenties. I’m not sure if the kids were smarter in the 80’s or if we were just so naive, but those kids were on to Santa Dave like nobodies business. Nevertheless it didn’t spoil any of the fun. Dave could lead our musically deficient family through a string of Christmas carols, and you better believe Dave never missed a word. Mom taught us all the classics.

From left to right:my Dad, Sherry (wanting to be Santa!), Santa Richard

In all honesty I don’t remember if Dad picked up during the interim when Dave was gone and Richard was too young to carry on the Santa tradition. Some years you are a little numb during the holidays. But we now have the tallest, skinniest, off the cuff Santa ever! Santa Richard, Dave’s son is carrying on the tradition with varoom! The children are a tad bit intimidated by his towering height but endeared to his loving disposition and enamored by his questions. As for the adults…tradition does live on…inside that Santa costume is a little bit of my big Dad and my big Brother. You can hear it in his voice, you can see it in the gestures and you definitely feel it in the love.

3 Degress of Depression Part II

Many years ago, during my first round of college I had a professor teach me about the I-BEAM. He asked what would you cross an I-beam for if it were spanned 1,000 feet in the air between two tall buildings? Would you cross it for a million dollars? Would a million dollars be worth risking your life? What if it was for a loved one in need?

I believe most of us would not give it a second thought and would be on our way to the other side. What if that one in need was actually you?

Can you recognize when you need help? Many people needlessly suffer because of living in denial? Or as I have said before… sometimes you just don’t know what you don’t know. Awareness is key to living joyfully, if you have experienced any type of situational or chemical depression research shows that laughter really can be one of the very best medicines of all!

In our family we laugh at ourselves. You can choose to laugh or cry and it is a whole lot healthier to laugh and poke a little fun at things that hit close to home.  Kelly, my husband and I have been in the service business for a long time now and we have some great memories of dumb things we say… or ignorant things others say. Here’s one for the records-- 

 

Kelly’s was in the middle of coloring a ladies hair in our salon, and for some reason women have a tendency to bare their sole (and other things I might add) while this good looking man (my husband!) makes them look great. No doubt he encounters several TMI (too much information) situations regularly.  Well, Mrs. “Whogit” went on and on to Kelly about how “crazy” and how much she disliked her daughter-in-law because she was bi-polar and she did all kinds of strange things and she was hoping her son would divorce her.  Kelly stayed silent until she had finished her story and then politely said, “My wife is bi-polar…”

I have had similar situations, sometimes I set them straight, and sometimes I wait for them to leave and I have a good belly laugh about the ignorance of the my dearly departed “friend.”

They say Ignorance is Bliss? Huh?

The 3 degrees of depression Part 1

The more you know, the more you realize you don't know. I just finished three semesters of college at 47 years old. Now here is one thing I do know: when you experience things first person, second person, and then third person in MANY different circumstances, under many different situations you CAN BEcome familiar with something and possibly give it some clarification and description. Here is my attempt at that...

I rank depression in two categories, chemical and situational; and in the three differing degrees.  Situational is something that has happened in your life that brings you down. Chemical is the “feel good” chemicals in your brain are just not working properly . If you think that this is not possible there is plenty of research to prove this. I refer you to this site to learn more about it.

Now for my three degrees:

The glOOm: a grey cloud has settled over you, you don’t feel like yourself, but you still push yourself through life and get through your responsibilities. It is no way to live! And there is help for you! Many people live like this and it could be caused by a chemical imbalance. Family history of mental illness is an  indicator, hence the problem, no one has wanted to talk about mental illness. times are changing.

As more research develops and the realization is coming forth that the brain sometimes does malfunction in the mood centers. Huh?!

The Black dog: Winston Churchill coined this phrase. I use it to describe when I can’t get out of bed because I am so depressed. If I “crash,” it is because I have physically exhausted myself (this goes along with bi-polar) because I have been a little on the high side and I am paying for it and have to sleep off my over exertion. If I am manic for long periods of time, the phrase goes, “what ever goes UP must come down!” The BLACK DOG sets in and the feeling of despair sets in. For those who suffer from uni-polar depression the black dog can set in and the feelings of worthlessness and lack of pleasure for anything sits on top of you like a stinky mangy black dog and there does not seem to be any reason why. When there is no reason why, this is chemical. If there has been a tragedy, such as a death, divorce, loss of income and such the black dog may set in for a short time, but situations change and the mangy guy leaves.

The abYss: I don’t even like to address the abyss, because for those of you who have been there, bringing back any of those memories, well, it is just downright painful. This is when you are on the bottom of the ocean, and you have no desire to save yourself. You need help professionally and you need it quickly. You have people that love and care about you…even if it feels as though you don’t! Reach out!!! It’s hard, but it IS worth it and you have the courage because I care about you because I have been there a time or two. 

A friend told me the other day that on the average children laugh 400 times per day and adults laugh 14 times per day, and that we adults better GET WITH IT!

Awareness of the Regrets...Live NOW

I’m starting to believe I’ve moved my office as many times as my family has gone through divorces! Ouch. I now have 2 offices. One at home for my U of U social work studies,  and one in our beautiful Phazes building that I love so much…I don’t love my business as an entity, I love its SPIRIT. It is warm, inviting and loving. From the very first day of conception (yes I say conception,) because we bore and have belabored with this little baby, whom is now 24 years old. She is wonderful, temperamental, and her insides have all the beauties now of a grown woman.

Today I am 47 yrs old, plus another 128 days. I have few regrets, but this is one that I wish I could change, however at the time, I was just so unaware. When I reflect back on my life, when I was actually living it, there was much of the time...I was not there. Oh my physical body was there, and possibly even a certain presence of mInd was there; but what I am talking about is really living the moment. Being totally present with the person, or the experience, or even the feeling...and Living in the NOW. 

It seems like such an odd thing to say, yet if you actually think about it, how often are you somewhere, but your mind is completely in a different space and time?

How often have you got in your car and arrived at your destination and you cannot remember any of the turns you took, stops you made, or how you got there?! Your physical body was performing, but your mind was in a completely different place. Now imagine being the person sitting next to you in that car, or maybe in a room with you or in any given situation and they NEEDED you…and You just were Not There…

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

- Mark Twain

v.

Oh my gosh, there are so many things competing for our attention! So what are your priorities and what matters most? I cannot answer this for you, i can only answer it for myself. Furthermore it would be rude and assuming if I tried!

I find that we as people ruminate over many things that happened in the past and fret about things that could be detrimental to our futures. We play these “negative tapes,” so to speak in our heads repeatedly, relive them to nauseum. Just because we ‘see’ things a certain way in our own minds, doesn't make it truth! It is another one of those…”maybe if you walked a mile in anothers shoes, you'd "see" things differently….

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
It's about learning how to dance in the rain.

- Vivian Greene

Different is often times a good thing, our world changes, and so must we...

A Hairy Dream InterPretation

Last night I had a dream I was skiing and broke my leg. A gentleman came to help me, and as he lifted my ski pants to see the damage, there was a protruding bone sticking 2 inches out of my ankle... and the  hairiest leg (one that is) I have ever seen on a woman. OH my goodness, yes, my other leg was cleanly shaven! Is this weird? Am I bi-polar or something?! I was horribly embarrassed!  

It was kind of like when your parents told you “make sure you have on clean underwear, you never know when you’re going to get in an accident!” What was that all about? (if you are a young one, you won't understand that phrase). Ive often wonder if that is what they do when you get in an accident. Pull down your pants and see if your underwear’s clean.Good psychology Mom and Dad!

Anyway, I have a dream interpretation book. I’m a little fascinated by dreams. I looked up “hairy legs.” Huh, Nothing.

My interpretation: Maybe I'm forgetting something I am supposed to be doing... like...probably right now!?

Living Life through the CRAP

I know just how you feel.

Sometimes only my dog gets it.

I have had the distinct pleasure, or the awful curse (depends on how you look at it) to spend a lot of hours in bed…more than the average bear (or dog). I’m a SOCIAL creature, yet as circumstances would have it, either my brain or my body just does not always cooperated to my liking. I have been criticized/judged for this at times, yet my doctor was wise when he said “who would CHOOSE to stay in bed?” There are some who think that depression is "all in your head?" Uh, Exactly. Your brain chemistry is off, and it makes your feel like crap, just like when your pancreas is off and you're a diabetic, you feel like crap. Huh, that's weird?

I certainly would never choose to stay in bed, I loathe it, it’s a painful place to be…I have places to go, people to see, life to experience. But if your body revolts and your brain is foggy, well, as I have said before…”you try it, and walk a mile..........”

During the past year I have felt very little depression, but I have felt a good share of exhaustion. Exhaustion to the point my muscles hurt and my energy is zapped (no i don't have fibromyalgia). Life expects a lot sometimes and I’m not so good at monitoring or quiting when I’m just tired. I pay a high price for my excessiveness, but my thoughts, my extra feel good chemicals when I am 'ewe manic' drive me on. My aspirations and expectations about life are high. It’s not about the high life. I gave up caring about “things” when my ego was busted years back. Sure I love nice things, but being nice and caring about other people is what makes life worth living and drives me.

I have responsibilities. It happens by the time we are approaching 50, there's a lot of STUFF. But life happens one day at a time, one moment at a time…and keeping perspective of those days and those moments…even when a tear is shed and then there is laughter that follows—life is happening. And it is all in the journey and the journey is really beautiful, for it is the simple things that count…

Meet Lucy Lu

Soooo…here is a little thing...meet my new grandog, Lucy! Our new little Red Boston, is laying in her Daddy’s arms (yes, Disneyland Dog DAD now has THREE). Seriously Three!  It looks as if Roxee and Lucy will do just fine together.

It's safe out here! Come on girls.

And where is Dozer?  If I have three guesses, he’s either out patrolling the neighborhood, thinking he's got to protect his brood, or hiding under the bed because he got in trouble. He gets gas and Disneyland Dad doesn't like it...or he taking he nap witt he love dog BOBO. Yep, he loving he BOBO! Ahhh. Love my puppies...almost as much as my kids.


I changed my kids diapers and I'm not above helping to potty training Lucy Lu, in fact I stepped right in her CRAP just yesterday. Sometimes life just stinks. And we cry and then we laugh, but we must choose to live.