Life Comes Full Circle

For some reason Collin's mannerisms and behaviors make me absolutely laugh out loud on a regular basis. We have a group text in our family where we share pictures...Between the mischievious looks on Collin's face and his tuft of hair that sticks straight up, he keeps us all in stitches.

There is a striking resemblance here!

A homemade card from Gma Shirley (my Mom)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Chase's fav growing up) Smash Cake made by Gma April

As much as i laugh at this child, he can also bring me to tears...happy tears, grateful tears. 

Looking up at Uncle Tandin

Sharing with Uncle T.J.

Father & Son

 

Today when I gave Collin his first Oreo cookie my mind raced back to the day that Chase had his first Oreo cookie. The day we nearly lost him. I took Chase to the bathtub to clean him up, i turned on the water, and the phone rang. It was a business phone call and i completely forgot that Chase was in the tub with the water running. The horror did not hit me until i hung up the phone. I ran to the bathroom and found him floating face down in the tub, completely lifeless and blue. I pulled him out and frantically screamed for help all the way to the neighbors house with his limp body slumped over in my arms. My good neighbor Dave was home and told me to call 911. When 911 answered i screamed, "my child has drowned, help me, HELP ME!" The dispatcher, Karen, calmly proceeded to talk me though CPR, and Chase regained consciousness. We spent the night in the hospital for observation and miraculously Chase suffered no brain damage. 

I tell this story with horrible shame for my stupidity and neglect. Losing Chase would have devastated so many lives. Chase's life was preserved for a reason..and Collin is the reason. 

Chase and i have had many confirming moments as to the incomprehensible love and bond that you have for your children. Life is precious. Family is eternal. This life can be so hard at times. And then the sweetest simplest tender moments emerge, and you see that, as i have said so many times...life comes full circle...

Thank you to all the boys in my life, T.J., Chase, Tandin and Collin. You make my life worth living.

God's Warriors

I had a short email conversation with a good friend last night and his last words to me were.... 

“God gives the fiercest battles to His strongest warriors.” 

This past year two of my very best friends have lost children. I believe it goes without saying that to bury a child is not the natural succession of life, but it does happen, and trying to make sense of it is beyond this life’s understanding.

Recently I have read several books on NDE (near death experience). It has brought me peace and a faith that heaven is all around us and loved ones watch over us continually. I believe that there are no “coincidences” and if we allow life to unfold and willingly embrace the good and the bad, it is then that we realize everything has a purpose.

And so i say, if you have faced tragedy, loss, disappointment and fear, you have experienced what it is to be human, for i know no one who has not. Sometimes it may seem as though some face insurmountable challenges, and it is to those i say, "You Are God's Warrior's!" 

Facing Fears

When i was a little girl i was absolutely frightened of the Boogie Man! Before going to bed my Dad would carry me through the entire house and i would watch him look under every bed, in every closet and the "dark room." The dark room was especially scary. Eventually the assurance from my parents that i was safe helped me to overcome my fear.

Up until 5 years ago I had hardly ever slept alone. I purposely selected an apartment on the 3rd floor when i became single because i was still frightened of being alone at night. Eventually i got over that too.

What are your biggest fears? Failure? Being alone? Not being loved? Losing all your material possessions? Losing your health? Losing your sight? I've had all these fears at one time or another.

The first time i looked into Zion's cloudy eyes I panicked. And i cried. I have watched Zion's eyes get progressively worse, i watch her bump into things, try as she might jump on our bed, and if i don't stay within hearing distance of her in unfamiliar places she gets disoriented. I have wondered if she is frightened? This is Zion as we left work last week (yes she goes to work with me everyday)!

Zion will be 13 on September 12th. She is actually as spunky as ever in familiar places. I have spent more consistent hours with her than anyone in my life and it is hard to imagine living life without her.  I know that day will come..and i will mourn..and i will get another dog. She will never be replaced, but i will share the unconditional love and companionship she taught me with another special dog.

And so as Zion faces fear, i too face the fear of being without her. She has brought me joy, peace, comfort, companionship and unconditional love.

But life goes on. And while Zion's steps are unsure and winding down..Collin's my first grandchild's is just winding up. His first steps were wobbly and unsure, he faces his fear, falls down, and then gets right back up. The circle of life is consistently moving. Facing fear is part of living.

You can hear Collin's fear and then his Dad, my Chase, tell him, "good job." Yes, the circle of life.

Live in the Moment

Nearly one year ago my first grandchild was born. A memory forever etched in my mind was of my daughter-in-law Lauren sitting up in her hospital bed, turning on playlists for delivery. After the relaxing, spiritual music didn't seem to accelerate the progress of Collin's arrival she took measures further and played her "motivational labor and delivery playlist." The playlist started out with the song by Salt N Pepa, "PUSH IT, PUSH IT REAL GOOD." Play a few bars and then imagine a very pregnant (41weeks) beautiful young lady after 17 hours of hard labor (4 more hours to go) getting her groove on. 

Now one of the things that draws me to another human being is humor. For some reason Collin's mannerisms and behaviors make me smile, even laugh out loud regularly in delight. Collin has a little tuft of hair that sticks up..and it has just become one of those things that makes him, well him. 

This is Collin's parents kind of humor, scary but there is some resemblance!

Collin is a happy baby, he requires a lot of stimulus

 and seems to be moving constantly when his eyes are open.

 ...and there are those times when things just don't go his way and his emotions are in full display..

Now what I absolutely love and only wish that 

everyone could share

 is this wide range of emotion and passion for life.

And so I ask--what happens to us? and when does it happen? It seems as though around the age of 7 or 8 self-awareness kicks in and human beings start comparing themselves with others, coveting what others have, stressing about the future or regretting what happened yesterday; and the innocence and simplicity of life as we know it becomes more complicated.

Unconditional Love and Acceptance

How beautiful would life be if we could unconditionally love, and live in this moment soaking in every bit of living for what it's worth, and see eye to eye with complete acceptance of one another..ahhhhh, yes and what would our world look like then?

Dating is an Art Form

Dating at this stage of life is..well…..interesting, funny, fun, disappointing, enlightening and amusing. It can be exciting, frustrating, depressing, lonely and shocking.

Here’s an email I received recently by a geographically challenged gentleman:

“Hey baby I need a date and you’re close by.” OMG, I laughed so hard when I got this! Who actually thinks this line is going to really get them a date? Compatibility? Attraction? Nope, Convenience! 

And another from someone I reconnected with from years ago:

“If you're interested in re-confirming feelings that compelled us to act years ago ... I am.” Seriously? Bad people from the past end up being bad people in the present. No surprise, just surprised I actually fell for it for another short minute.

This one was text to me after I shared my phone number:

“I’m going to send you an email before we meet so you know more about me before we commit to anything.” Commit? Who said anything about committing? It’s just lunch.

Another text after I did not respond in a timely manner:

“I know when I’m being blown off.” Really? Maybe you don’t, because you keep texting me!

And then the delightful and polite thank you:

“I had a nice time and I’d like to see you again.” Nice. Not too pushy. Sweet, inviting.

This one came after some rather clever emails and texts exchanged:

"Are we in love yet? Let me know." Funny. I like this guys sense of humor.

Oh, and least I forget this one:

“Baby I love you and we’ll be together as soon as I return to the states. My credit card was stolen and I was hoping you could wire me $1,900.00..” SMH (shake my head) I was born at night, but not last night!!

Yes dating is an art form.

Arrogance is Ugly

Enough said.