White Water Cool and Cleansing

I love the water but I am also afraid of it. I love change but I also resist it. I would say that this is characteristic of most people? Yes? I needed a change from the garish colors I hastily chose in my inexperience and excitement to begin blogging nearly a year ago (purple, green & hot pink, EWE). This template background was another quick choice and...I quite like it...a LIGHT HOUSE, with SHADES OF GREY as a backdrop.

If I had my choice I would always spend time in the mountains before the ocean, however the symbolism of a light house means something to me at this phase of life.

Happiness never comes from outside of us. We "should" (HA) know we are responsible for our own happiness. I sometimes think we expect our spouses, or our children, or our parents to make us happy. We even shift this responsibility of pseudo happiness onto friends and maybe even partying at times. We put off being happy until this happens or that happens. Until I get this job, this house, lose this much weight. I also think that we practice and then master how to be what we are not. Why do we do this? I have seen so many motivations, reasons and fears played out, why, because I think I have done them all!

A lighthouse is strong and stalwart. It stands up through all storms and leads others to them by being steady and unwavering. It knows where it is at all times.

I'm 45. I've been lost in the mountains before. I've also been down in the abyss at sea. I have resurfaced and now I want to be a LIGHT HOUSE. Lofty goal? You should meet my parents. My family, amazing people, odd beaters. And we STILL love each other through quite a few trials... Love each other LIKE CRAZY!!!!!!

I believe we are born with the right to be happy, with the right to enjoy life. I did not say all the time for I believe we learn through our trials. But what about surrendering all those ideas about being what you are not, and become WHO you really are deep inside. I think you know if there is polarity inside yourself. When you surrender to the real You, You surrender to Life.

Words adapted from a song I love...

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap it's arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel what it's like to be new

I work on this every day. It matters to me that I am real.
Everything comes at a price... including Cool Clear Water.

A Wild Red Radish to Shut Up

Believe me I don't really have any interest in weeds! But sticking with my theme and trying to draw a parallel to life's lessons I guess has brought me all the way to the ground. So here are some words that were used to describe the Wild Radish: pithy, spongy, and irregular to name a few!

So here is what's on my mind...rather what seems to be on every bodies FREAKIN' mind, the economy. OMH, we know it, we should have known it, we have been over spending for way too long, But enough is enough! Can we talk about, read about or listen to something else?

When you enable bad behavior that is what you get bad behavior!

If the economy has got you down shut it off! I didn't say stick your head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist, all I am saying is focus on what you DO have control or impact on in your little world, count your blessings and CHOOSE to be happy in spite of the bombardment of negativity in the media.

My mom fixed salads all the time when I was growing up and she would put those pesky little red radishes in her salads. I just learned to work around them. I'm trying to do the same with all this "over- abundance" of talk about the economy. I know it's tough, but how many times a day do I need to be reminded?

I could have a radish once a month and that would be just about right for my taste.

Dr. C. Periwinkle & Me

Dr. C. my "psych" is retiring. Today will be my last visit with him.
The primary purpose for a psychiatrist is to 1) diagnose mental illness 2) prescribe medication 3) monitor progress/goals of medication prescribed.

The days of lying on the couch and discussing your PROBLEMS with a psych would be umm, antiquated! My appointment lasts about 30 minutes.We discuss my med's, my moods and then with Dr. C. we get to the important stuff...our dogs, philosophizing, relating about life and all we have learned on our journey called life.

I have had a few psych's, but none like Dr. C. To pin point what makes this Doc different, memorable, and one that will always hold a spot in my heart, here is one example: Simple phone calls..."Lori, this is Dr. C. your appointment was 10 minutes ago and I can't treat you if you're not here. I care about you and want to know how you are doing." I was at the check in counter!

My first visit with Dr. C. actually was nearly 3 hours long and it seemed as though he had studied my 'file' for 3 hours before our visit. He had many questions, many insights and many observations from past treatments I had received. No bull this Doc cared, he did his homework and then furthermore LISTENED to me and what I felt was best with my med's. I studied a lot about anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, maoi- inhibitors, and mood stabilizers prior to my official diagnosis of bi- polar. Dr. C and I always worked as a team. There was trust between us. I shared with him what I was experiencing, he taught me about the illness and I have been the beneficiary.

Obtaining good psychiatry these days is difficult. There are so few psychiatrists and it takes months to get into them and frankly people don't like to flaunt that they go to one! Humm that's funny?! I for one don't want to trust my mental health to someone who practices, key word, they are all PRACTICING, the entire body or my female organs. I want someone who "specialized in the brain". Thus, yup I have a brain disorder and I have a psyche!

Medication for mental illnesses are being prescribed like candy in every kind of office across the country as well as trying to be substituted in the health food stores by all kinds of homeopathic remedies. I am not here to say one is right or wrong. I will say beware, use caution and be an educated consumer and steward over your own body and mind. There are plenty of "Who Saids of the Greater Magnitude" out there either wanting your dime or boosting their ego...on your back and ignorance.

To Dr. C.,

The Periwinkle flower signifies sweet remembrance, yes that is what the memories in your office will be SWEET REMEMBRANCE...

A Dose of White Narcissus

What an absolutely gorgeous wildflower, that denotes selfishness? If you have never heard of the term narcissism read on, you may learn something insightful. I thought it was interesting that Narcissism got notoriety amongst the wildflower family.

Let's be honest here, there is plenty of narcissism in my family. As I have said before, I am no expert in anything I blog (blab) about, unless it comes to the school of actually staring it in the face kind...I have been fortunate enough to have about 19 years of on again off again counseling with one of the most compassionate, insightful human spiritual beings I have come to know. What a benefit it has been in my life.

Sometimes narcissism is easy to spot and other times not so much. I do know some wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I'm not going to give advice on what to do with narcissistic people in your life. All I can say is, they are difficult, and rarely do they recognize their behavior and truthfully they can make life uncomfortable to downright painful for those around them...But if your life is miserable remember that is YOUR choice. You never change ANYONE but yourself. So you either live with it or leave it, or if you're the accommodating type, you live Your life around them. That's how it works. For better and worse, know the score.

Here are a FEW SIGNS of narcissism in its negative form:
They:
1) Need lots of admiration and attention from others
2) Feel a certain sense of entitlement
3) Feel the need to be unique or special in others eyes
4) More interested in their concerns than in yours
5) Want to control what you do and say
6) Pout
7) Fail to listen to you
8) Change the topic when you're talking about something that has emotional intensity for you
9) Manipulate you
10) Use emotional blackmail

There is a positive side of narcissism; yes we must have a certain dose of it to be healthy. I suppose we are always seeking for a good BALANCE in all things.

1) Have empathy
2) Have a sense of humor
3) Are creative
4) Able to delay gratification
5) Assumption of responsibility to self and others
6) A capacity to develop and maintain meaningful and satisfying relationships
7) A deep and broad range of emotional expressiveness (I like that one!)
8) Firm and clear boundaries

Fortunately or unfortunately when you look in the mirror you see a mixture of your parents staring back at you. Whether you want to admit it or not it's true! The real question is how aware of it are we, and which parts of them did we take the good, the bad or the ugly? Probably a little of all three?!

I worked with my mom for 20 years. Now she is just my mom and I like it that way. My sister is now my business partner and in many ways we are alike and in others we are totally opposite. My sister is my only living sibling. I guess it has been like having a double dose of watching me now that we spend so much time together... For better or worse, we definitely know the score and we always are on each other’s side 100 percent!

A Thorny Rose Garden

I had such a beautiful talk with my niece this past weekend. She has been what I call 'cocooning' a lot lately. A condition I am rather familiar with. When some of us hurt we nurture ourselves by seeking out help, and some of us retreat and emerge when we feel better. I believe the truth is we all need someone close that we let in, that we can trust to help us through the rough spots in life, but timing is everything. I don't always do what I preach.

This little niece of mine has been hurting for a while now, and I knew it, but Friday just seemed to be the right day to visit.

The two if us are an awful lot alike and she went off her anti-depressant one year ago. I never said anything to her but encouraging words. Who of us wants to be on medication?

She started back on Zoloft, the anti-depressant she has taken for several years, two days before I paid my visit. As she reflected back on her year she shared a few insights with me. I'd like to share them with you. 1)She realized she started to lose interest in her business of which she was in a #1 position at the time. 2)She felt she was in a fog at times. 3)There were times she felt hopeless and felt there was no where to turn. 4)She had lost that innate connection between mind, body and her spirituality that at one time was very easy for her.

Actually I could go on with more insights from this incredible woman, she is filled to the brim with an acute awareness of herself and life. She may have been in a foggy haze for a time but that is what makes her, "rose garden" all the brighter when she comes out. I think we have to experience some tough times to really appreciate the good times.

Her husband is a Type I diabetic. In her wisdom she said, "I don't tell him that I expect his body to make insulin so he doesn't have to take his medication every day!" "I would never do that." We looked at each other and WE GOT IT! Her brain doesn't make enough "feel good chemicals".

It IS so hard to GET because we don't SEE or understand all the many facets of how the brain gets depleted of serotonin, dopamine, nor epinephrine, and these are just the chemicals in the brain that we know about.

Nobody promised us Rose Gardens...and if you plant one yourself you just have to take care of it! (I hear they're thorny buggers.)

TANned Out

Tomorrow is March 5th. Tandin my baby turns 19. I get to take him to lunch, then we all get together to party like rock stars as we do so well in our family. He has been looking forward to getting an iPhone for sometime and this birthday looked like the day! However, being the free spirit and one who never wants to say "I wish I would have..." he will be taking off for So. Cal. on Saturday "until his money runs out" or class resumes at USU on March 16, which ever happen first.

This child of mine has been the organizer of fun for as long as I can remember. I am pretty sure if you were to sit down and talk to him about his life this far he would have very few regrets. He values family, friends and experiences. He is taking his education seriously and this little window of time to relax is well worth putting off that iPod (now he just needs so.cal money)!!

I learn a lot from my boys. Tan has always been so level headed, and also had this uncanny ability to seize the moment. His sheer intelligence and sense of balance makes me feel safe when I am around him. When we had our boat several years ago he was the caretaker even though he was the youngest. He has an eclectic set of personality traits. When I think of him I smile. He is humorous beyond, but he has to be in the mood and you have to be sharp enough to catch it.


Tandin does not repeat things. If you didn't catch it the first time then, well you are pretty much SOL. His mind works at lighting speed and if can keep up it's interesting and fun. If not you're just TANned out with the many others...

Shades of Grey in Clarification

I had my husband say to me a few weeks ago after reading one of my blogs, "I didn't get it." I said, "What didn't you get?"

For the first time I had to delete an entire blog of my own because although I "got it," it was rather STUPID! Not to mention I rambled...IMAGINE that?!

But here is the deal. I don't spell it all out. I mean who am I? I am no expert in anything I talk about, but I sure like to pretend!

I don't want my blog to be about getting me. However i hope it does shed some light on mental illness and mood disorders. But most of the time I like to provoke thoughts within you. I am just someone with a lot of School of Hard Rock experiences and I am not afraid to put it out there for people to 'knock' on.

If your life has been Shades of Grey...and maybe you have even had several ones that were as colorful, exciting and changing as a kaleidoscope then I am not alone. It has been good therapy for me to share. I hope along the way it has been good for someone else too.