Stripped Black & White

Have you ever blown your whistle and thought afterwards, OH CRAP, I wish I hadn't of done that! I wonder if ref's ever do that? I'll bet they do. They probably think, "Whoa, blew a little early on that one, now I have to be all defensive and have Mr. Prickman down my throat". What? That's their language not mine. I'm not stupid!

What would it be like if we lived in a world where we could actually be impetuous (kinda human nature sometimes) and then if we make a mistake say, "Oops, you know I was a little hasty on that one, can you forgive me?" Now I know that does not work for everything, but how often DOES our pride get in the way? Wouldn't it be refreshing to just admit that we make mistakes...and lots of them, especially when it comes to relationships and loving each other? It gets hard or we make it hard. Love is actually very simple. Just, LOVE! Isn't love a universal language to man and beast?

We have certain things that identify us, zebras have uniquely identifiable stripes,that are useful to one another. Zebras seem to get some kind of pleasure from looking at stripes. Stripes seem to be so important to the zebra that black and white stripes painted on a wall will attract zebras to group near the wall.

And so it goes we all like things that are similar to us. But when one breaks out of the crowd don't we admire that one for their courage?

Dreaming Daffodils

For some reason I have been privileged to dream of my deceased loved ones quite often. This becomes a great comfort to me for I can then remember details of their faces and also their voices. Most of the time I am having fun with them. Sometimes I feel as though I receive a message. Sometimes simple. Sometimes profound.

Last week I spoke to my Sister-in-Law (married to my brother who died 14 yrs ago). I told her I had dreamed of Dave (my brother) twice earlier that week. She told me that when you dream, you are with them in their realm. I like that thought; I'm going to keep it.

Last night I got to exchange a hug in a dream with one very special young 15 year old girl who was taken before her time. I put flowers on her grave that day, I believe some of them were daffodils. I just found out daffodils symbolize friendship. She is my very special friend.

I look forward to when I can hold my brother and her again and talk face to face. For now there are so many here that I love and cherish. Life is as it should be.

Innocent Brown Eyes

I LOVE DOGS! This is my Grandog Dozer. I have custody of him most of the time. My oldest son is busy, single and when Dozer and Roxee (his Boston) are at home with him they get depressed. Seriously! It just kills me. So they live with me, they have visitation with their Dad. He is a fun Dad. He puts on big slippers and lets Dozer chase him around the house. Dozer loves it! But it is not enough to keep a Bulldog happy. At Grandmog's house he has full rein, especially when Grandpog is gone.

I did not always connect with dogs or nature as I do now. I suppose it was when I spent 9 months in bed getting quiet enough to figure out life and what was important that I slowed down and really saw what was around me. I love the innocence and loyalty of dogs. Those nine months I spent in bed I had the most loyal companion one could ever have, MY dog, Zion. Her name sake comes from the time I spent wandering in Zion's Canyon. Sound weird? Whatev- life is weird. I figured a lot out there and have continued to do so ever since. I am crazy about my dog. She is more than just a dog, she is a reminder to me of all I have learned that is important. Like finding and staying true to myself. Some people never figure that out. Dogs never have to try. They are innocent and real no matter what. How refreshing. We humans could take some lessons from dogs.

If I don't want to play, Zion never takes it personal. She loves me and treats me the same. No mind games. She loves me at my best and my worst. Believe me she has seen it all: laughing, crying, sleeping comas, mad as hell, euphoric, you name it, she seems to just BE...her. I know she assumes nothing of me, which means I can be, huh, me! And she always does her best in our relationship, which is just easy for her, because she never tries to be anything but a dog. Hummmm? We could all learn something from these beautiful creatures.

I am crazy about these brown eyed furry friends in my home. I would have never thought in a million years I would have allowed 3 dogs in my home. I will put up with dog toys and the constant bell ring (to go outside), and Dozer taking up the couch, for a whole lot of innocent brown eyed lovin'.

1 Yellow Sun & My 3 Sons

I need the sun. It nourishes me. Fact is it nourishes, well, everything and everybody. I have been laying in the sun a lot lately. Just yesterday I spent the day at a pool with good friends in Logan. They recently have had a close death in their family. I have experienced this as well, however mine was 14 years ago. Some people would say, 14 years, get over it! They obviously have not had a child or sibling die.

A child is an extension of you, a sibling is a reflection of you. Life goes on, absolutely, and you go through your grief, not around it. And you go through your 'whole' life with the 'hole' that they once filled. You miss them and you find happiness still.

My sons have become the brightness (the yellow) in my life. They are all basically gone from our home, my youngest has not officially moved out, but he is constantly on the move. He will be off to college in just a few weeks.

And so it goes, we enjoy the sun, or sons, or loved ones. When they are here or when they are not, but if we are quiet enough especially when the sun is beating down on us we can feel their love, warmth and their presence. Where ever they may be.

If you are wondering... the beautiful young girl is who I was referring to. We all lost this beauty last spring in a skiing accident. She skied every weekend with her family, which was the passion of her life. Our family enjoyed this activity with theirs on many occasions.

Knot Weed & Not Sick?

I had an interesting experience while on my cruise last week. I met a man whose wife was severely bi-polar (same illness as mine). He was very inquisitive, defeated, frustrated and seemed to be feeling his marriage may be heading for divorce. 95% of all bi-polar marriages end in divorce (his statistic). I had never heard this statistic, however I am not surprised. His wife was in a current manic episode and he was accompanying his beautiful daughter on her Senior trip. This gentlemen is an extremely well-educated successful man and they have a very large family.

This is a difficult situation, to say the least, on all accounts. My summation coming from spending the evening talking with him and a few others at our dinner table was this: This illness is real, you cannot see it, and there is denial on everyone's part, so everyone deals with it differently. That does not make anyone wrong, however if you want to function, or function well it takes knowledge. Knowledge takes effort.

Effort, first on the part of the sufferer. The person with the illness, MUST understand and know their body and brain chemistry and their illness! They must be responsible for their health as best they can, which is taking their med's, going to their doctor's and understanding their triggers. Their self awareness is imperative to their health and happiness as well as how it affects the entire family.

Second, the family has to be involved by understanding the illness and knowing when Mom, or whomever is sick. Which means depressed or manic. The brain chemistry is off. Too much or too little feel good chemical being emitted into the brain and things are just not right. It effects everyone differently, so do not expect this illness to look the same on everyone.

The media has frighted us. We hate the label "mental illness." Why is that? I think the Knot Weed is pretty in one form. Being manic is a blast, but I am still sick, at least I know now what goes up must come down. Life is perspective. We must remember to keep ours positive and non-judgmental. What is that saying, walk a mile in someones shoes...

From Sand Bliss to Sand Burs

Well, don't you have a hard time coming home from 10 days of vacation? Especially when there were beautiful SANDY beaches and oceans of blue?

It's not that I have a bad life. I certainly do not. I have a good life. In fact all that I need. When you travel to a place like Mexico and you see all the abundance that we have in America you actually get a perspective on all that we as American's have been blessed with.

We are the people of entitlement. We seem to believe we are not only entitled to a hot meal, a warm bed, clothing on our backs, but a speedy internet that connects us to the world, a phone in our hands at all times so that we can talk to whomever we please at all times. Not just clothes, but clothes on parade, with designer tags. And to be entertained during all our spare time.

I live in Utah, it is considered the desert. There are many Sandburs here. When you put in a yard you have to dig up a lot of them. Then you cover up the desert sand and plant grass and you worry about lots of weeds to keep your grass green and beautiful.

Ah to be entitled and to rush through life thinking it is all about you! Then something happens or maybe even keeps happening and you finally wake up and smell the roses and you enjoy the sand beneath your feet...even if it is dirty sand or the white sand on the beaches of Cabo. They both work if you try hard enough.

Oceans of Blue

I have been on a cruise to Mexico for the last 7 days. The cities and views have been beautiful. But the ocean, ah the ocean! As I sit on this ship the sea goes forever…I feel somewhat blue inside. I have many changes coming in my life – again. My baby goes to college. They call this “empty nest syndrome." It’s actually a syndrome, ooooh! I actually love change in my life, but I have had a lot of it lately and what I anticipate will be big. No matter I will adjust. I always do. I believe things are as they should be. Life is a roller coaster, you ride a roller coaster, you do not steer it.

As a parent you receive more joy watching your children blossom, become their own person and grow to be who they were meant to be. My children are absolutely doing that. I have never made them dependent on me. They have been self sufficient from a very early age. Partly out of necessity, because I worked and partly when I was sick. They never minded, they liked the independence and enjoyed the confidence I had in them. They still had rules and always stuck to those rules with great respect. For this I am both grateful and honored to be their mother.

So I feel blue. I have cried every day while on this trip. It has not been from chemical depression and it is not that I have been all that sad. It is just emotion. I am emotional…and proud of it, I feel life. I wanted to go to an orphanage while I was in Mexico and knew I just was not strong enough emotionally. I would have cried myself to a migraine (I have already had 2 on the cruise). Blue is not so bad. Dark grey and black…awful, the not get out of bed kind, horrible. I have gotten out of bed easily, happily, went to bed when I wanted, read when I wanted, in fact this trip has been do anything you want, when ever you want, however you want. I came with my son and his friends, guess who my son spent his time with? Which was exactly as I expected. I got plenty of sleep, he got about –none. He had the time of his life. I had an experience of a lifetime. We will both cherish our time in Mexico forever. The oceans of blue will be locked in our hearts always.

Everything's Green

I am riding in a rental car on Sunset Blvd. Everything is lush and green all around us. The abundance I feel permeates. My youngest son and I will be setting sail tomorrow for a week in Mexico.

Green is a friendly color. My boys are my friends and I LOVE spending time with them. We talk, but we also relate. I believe they feel comfortable being themselves around me. I always want to know who they really are. They are incredible.

Acceptance is important to me. Probably because I have not always felt it. I hope when others are around me they do feel unconditional love and acceptance. It must first start from within, this is a journey.

I will be on a ship for 7 days with many young beautiful girls with teenage bodies. I will basically be downright GREEN with envy. This is not good for self acceptance. Sometimes even when we know we have self destructive thoughts...we still cannot help ourselves. That we DO have to accept!

Climbing with Cockleburs

Do you have days like this? My day already started feeling like it was going to be ONE OF THOSE DAYS! I take it in stride. You live this long, you can either fight it or roll with it. I have a meeting in 45 minutes. I won't make it to this one. I figure there will ALWAYS be another.

When I was little and played out in the fields I always had cockleburs on my socks. I hated them, but after a while I learned to play with them in spite of how annoying they were. Poignant. This is how life is.

I come from a family of drama. It's fun. We live life fully. Whether it be playing or a crisis. We have learned to stand by each other as we climbed many mountains with cockleburs in our socks.

Dandelions

When you get my age (40's), it's confusing. Do you want to go back? Not really. Do you want to get older? Definately not.

There will be no children at home in a matter of a couple of months. The last one will be off to college. I spent the better part of last week putting pictures of his life in a scrapbook. One picture was of him bringing me a dandelion. He was about 3 years old. He is now 18. Where does the time go?

Golden Moments

I went to church yesterday. Honestly, I didn't listen to many of the words spoken. But the piano solo, oh, the beautiful music...took me to a better place. I thought of people I love walking streets of gold. For just those golden moments I was with them.

While here when I visit them it is just stone and grass. Today is memorial day, when we are to traditionally remember our loved ones who have passed on. I remember them often.

We have golden moments, but that is what life is made of...many moments.

The Blue pits

"Are you going to the Senior Cotillion?"
"No, I don't think so. It's $25 bucks!"
"Well, I'll pay if you decide to go!"

Later that night...decked out in black dress slacks, black dress shirt, and a black ball cap turned backwards. He's going! This is my baby. I am grateful, I want him to enjoy everything. I think he pretty much has.

12:28 p.m: "We are going to sleep on the blue pits." (I know what these are, you fall on them after high jump or pole vaulting.)
"Ok, did you have fun?"
"We had a blast!"
"I will probably be home about 4:00 or 5:00."
"Ok, be safe."

2:02 p.m.~is he really on the blue pits? Is he making out with some girl? Nooo. Right now they are all laying on the blue pits talking and laughing. Go back to sleep.~

3:13 p.m.~oh I hope he still on those blue pits having a great time! Memories in the making. He will remember these days forever. I wish I could go see what they are doing. Hear what they are saying. He better still be on those blue pits! If not, oh I hope he is just safe. I hope he is home soon. He said 4:00 or 5:00. What time is it again? ~

My dream: My baby is about 3 versions of himself at about age 9-10. I look at all 3 of him all at once and I am confused, why are there 3? All 3 are soooo delightful.

4:58 p.m.~he better be home by now! I'm going to check! Breath deep, he is.

The little Purple book

I HAD TWO EPIPHANIES...in one week!

True intelligence operates silently. Stillness is where creativity and solutions to problems are found.
~Stillness Speaks - Eckhart Tolle (little purple book)

I have read this many times out of this 'fav' book of mine. This time I realized how noisy I have been in my mind.

Second epiphany? Mmm personal.

A whiter shade of pale

It is a dreary day. Sleep was unpleasant last night. Dreams were elusive.

I keep thinking this grey fog in my brain is lifting. Then I try to have a conversation with an employee and I cannot finish a sentence without brain freeze. I try to open a spread sheet of numbers and I go absolutely stupid. It's maddening! I stay away from any hard core work a little longer. I do mindless activities, read, sleep, and write. I also over think.

Here is something I "over thought" yesterday...My 93 year old grandpa is in the hospital. First time in his life! I went to see him the last couple of days. Grandma is 91. They are amazing. I grew up on a farm with them. They were always around, they were just two people you counted on. When people get old you have a tendency to ignore or forget them. I am no different. I have however gotten to know my grandpa more. I am grateful for this piece of the puzzle that I have put together in my life. For one, I have gotten to know a very sweet and funny man. I was always rather intimidated by him growing up, he was always so serious. Two, he lost his father at the age of eight. It was a bizarre "accident" of which more has come out about as the years go by. It was painful to Grandpa. I am sure this is where I have inherited my mood disorder.

How do we let go? Loss I am familiar with. It does not get easier, you hope you just get more poised with it.

Sometimes although my eyes were open, they might just have well been closed. There is no reason, and the truth is plain to see. When we turn a whiter shade of pale.

Your White Form

"Could you fill out your white form please?" "Sure." I answer.

I didn't know I HAD a white form. I guess I have been coming here so long I can take ownership of it...In the past two weeks have you felt down, depressed, blah blah...
Have you slept less or more than usual, blah blah. Has your appetite increased or decreased, blah, blah. Have you felt bad about yourself to the point it has interfered with your normal life, blah blah. Have you thought about harming, that is killing yourself, blah, blah? Most the time on "tests" you want a high score, on this test if you score 0, you have been in happy land.

I have been in happy land plenty of times, not today. I drug along my journal from yesterday, entitle My Anger Entry to read to Dr. D.. I felt if I read it out loud I could purge it and let it go. I let a lot go in his office. It helped. Somehow I always see a new perspective on either a new or old emotion.

I do not always get a new perspective. Sometimes I just need to be heard with no judgment. Sometimes it feels good to be validated. Dr. D. does not always validate me, which is good. But he always accepts me.

I have 2 doc's. Dr. C. and Dr. D.. Dr. C. prescribes my med's which I currently take 2 med's in the anti-seizure classification and 1 med in the anti-depressant classification. I have had Dr. C. for about 1 1/2 years now and Dr. D. for about 18 years. I love both of them. They are excellent doc's.

I was diagnosed bi-polar a few years ago. I'm not ashamed of it. I could care less who knows. It's not as if I can help it or it is my fault. I do not use it as an excuse. I love to joke about it when I am healthy. When I am chemically imbalanced (sick) I generally just retreat until I feel better. I am familiar with the routine. Unfortunately I have lived it for most of my life. I am now just grateful to understand it. I am also grateful that the downs are few.

So if you should find yourself filling out any kind of WHITE FORM or be it blue, pink or fuscia and they are trying to do "meter a mood" on you. Don't worry about it. Take a deep breath and be freakin' proud of yourself that you had the guts to get help! Most people just wallow in their own pride and misery and think it is going to go away. It doesn't. It calluses over. Those are the people that scream at you when you are driving. Are critical of everyone and everything. Make everything about them because they are hurting for attention or are just your neighborhood grumps. Remember this and send those people loves...and a white form.

A streak of RED

Have you ever watched a javelin? If it is thrown properly its trajectory is beautiful. So confident, as if it always knew exactly the place it was going to land before it ever arrived. Those who throw it the best in the world are throwing it football field lengths, can you imagine?

My son started throwing the javelin this year, his last year of high school. His personal record was 160.7 ft. He was ranked 5th going into the state meet, he ended up placing 7th when all was said and done. Fabulous for a first year performance.

The winning throw for the 4A boys went to the poor soul who threw further than anyone expected at the time, particularly the cameraman who was surprised when it ended up in his leg. They nearly disqualified this kid because he "left the area" throwing up because he was upset. I would be upset as well had I saw streaks of red trickling down a leg from a sphere I had just thrown.

Red is a color that represents excitement. It also represents anger or possibly romance. Do you get just streaks of this color in your life or an abundance? Red is an awesome color. I like it very much. Lately I have had none, but I was grateful to see the streak of red fly from my sons hand through the air. It's not really the javelin that is so beautiful it is him. This child has a lot of Red in him. I like it.