Two kinds of People

As this semester is coming to a close I have observed there are two kinds of college Professors. One who is interested in you and one who is there to strut their tail feathers. Now I abhor labels and I hate judgment, yet for the importance of a ‘lesson’ here, may I continue?

As I have sat through hours of lectures some teachers have perfected the art of being truly interested in their students, and their students eucation. In contrast there are those who pace back and forth pompously ignoring any raised hands, questions or comments and if there are questions, these Professors make the students feel inferior for having questioned or commented. Excuse me, was this not why the student is there, for the education, seeking out the teachers knowledge, not their ego?

After having discussed a rather lofty project of mine, a mentor that I adore, bent down in front of me and looked me in the eyes and talked to me face to face. With love he said, “Lori, I know you, and while it’s a great idea and lofty goal, you don’t want to burn out….” Well, the conversation went on from there, the love was felt, the message was well received and my “idea” is put on the back burner for another decade or two of my life. Ahhh relief.

So we play different roles in life, the giver, and the receiver of information. Teacher-student, Parent-child, Spouse-spouse, Boss-employee. What each requires, in my feeble opinion is respect, love, understanding, never superiority, ego or control. For some reason these roles we play lend themselves to the idea that we have “earned” the right to be over or thereby exercise some degree of control or superiority over someone. Even in the parental role, while guidance and boundaries are always necessary, respect is never in question. Talking down to another is disrespectful and is a reflection of one’s character, or at the very least their true self esteem.

To get on someone's level…walk a mile in someone’s shoes, or…wear someone’s earphones! Yes, this could be very enlightening! And we may learn a great deal to improve our relationships. Try it, but ONLY if you can, and I say ONLY, with NO possibility of judgment or repercussions to the individual. Listen to the music that your loved one listens to. More importantly listen to the lyrics first, and then the tempo, the beat and the overall mood of their favorite genre. Music is a personal expression of oneself. If you want to know your teenager (or anyone), this is a perfect place to start. What is the main theme of their music: crime and violence, sex and drugs, love and romance, politics and nature? Is it a happy sound, sad sound, confused sound? Do not take it personal! It is not about you, it IS about them and you are their advocate. Now ask yourself, what CAN you do. Now you have a snapshot of their world. You have walked a little step in their shoes, now get on their level and tell them how much you love them, care about them and ASK them what they need you to do for them.

Our roles in other people’s lives is to make it about them…and funny thing we end up getting what we need out of the relationship in the interim. Most of all what people need is for us to just listen and accept them, the growing and figuring things out is done on our own….right? Right. And for what it’s worth, I want to be happy more that right!

Narcissism is a lonely world. Strutting your tail feathers is lonely; after all we’ve seen all those colors.

What kind of PERSON are YOU???

What Life Deals Us

For those of you with a mental illness be it depression or anything of its kind, you would learn a great deal from this post by John McManamy of Knowledge is Necessity, another blog I post as a link on this site. John is brilliant and has taken on the job of writing the "People's DSM", in which to create a more accurate and complete reference and understandable diagnosis of mental illnesses.

The piece got some backlash from a so called Dr. Drake. Currently it has 36 comments of which I participated. The blog will give you an overview of the different types of symptoms, characteristics and patterns of depression including bi-polar. Furthermore you will get a perspective of the frustration that goes on in the world of treatment and the difficulty that is being played in the public for good health care.

Touche...such timing! We hope for the best...We get involved and never play victim to what life deals us!

I Have a Dog

I have a dog. This dog to be exact.
ZION.










I also have graciously, no custody battle whatsoever, am the guardian of these two yeawhoo's.




May I introduce Roxee Lynn Peepee Lovedog and Mr. Dozer, my GranDogs.






My son Tj, the intense, full of life child that he is, is running TJ Chapman Auto. He also runs a very full social agenda. Most humans could not keep up! This child does it well.

I can't bear the thought of Roxee and Dozer home alone, they show signs of depression and it tugs at my heart. I bought them beds of their own. Tj knew it was for the best.

When my babies go visit their Dad they are more excited than two cats on a hot tin roof. When I call to check on them Tj complains that Dozer has terrible gas and is embarrassing him in front of his dates or clearing the office (so funny) when he takes him to work. We discuss his diet, nothing different. Then I find out Tj scolds Doz! For something beyond his control? It hits me; he is having granmog separation anxiety! He comes back to Granmog's and within a day, you guessed it, flatulence, gone! Good dog!!

When Doz is at Granmog's he is, Alpha in Charge. He patrols the neighborhood. He is especially protective of Roxee and rules the toys, which rubs Zion wrong in the worst of ways. Zion would rather play than eat.

I think I need grandchildren. Not that I worry about it in the least. It is just that when I go places and there is a dog I stop and talk to the dog, and then to the owner. Do you know how much time you can spend talking to someone about their dog's personality! I know I'm crazy but this is nuts!!

When I was a little girl on the farm I loved dogs. I gave them haircuts (not pretty). I especially loved assisting in delivering Aphro's 13 St. Bernard puppies. I lost touch loving dogs during my 20’s and 30’s. We had a couple of dogs for the boys, but I never bonded with them. That was a time in my life where everything was so fast and my priorities looked much different than they do now.

Today I recognize my need to be nurtured. One way I get this unconditionally is through my dogs. Zion is my ever faithful companion, if she is not right by my side, which is rare, I only have to call, or pat by where I am and she happily comes and contently curls up as close to me as she can. When I had the epiphany that I was missing a dog (while hiking alone in Zion's Canyon), a new calmness came over me. When I brought her home from that trip she was 9 weeks old and fit in the palm of my hand. Unaware of how truly unique and special she was, all 4 inches of her, she has been my soothing balm of Gilead more times than I can count.

Dogs are not the answer for nurturing everyone. There are many ways to be nurtured. If you feel tense, you may not be getting enough nurturing. If you feel anger, you may not be getting enough nurturing. If you feel lonely, you may not be getting enough nurturing. If you feel sad, you may not be getting enough nurturing. Did you get my point???

Nurturing is at the very essence of the sustenance of life. Think of a beautiful new batch of puppies playing with their sibling and then being nurtured by the very bosom of the one who bore them. Is this not unconditional love and nurturing at its finest? Oh we can learn a lot from the innocence of dogs and children…no pretense, no guile, no ego, no worries.

The important thing and my point: get a healthy dose of nurturing daily! Preferably several doses daily! And here is the secret, you have to seek it...dogs do! They have no ego?! Huh?!

People could learn so much from dogs, unabashed unconditional love, and if you want to play they are ready and willing. If not they'll wait, no problem, nothing personal, no guilt (if you feel guilt that's your nature not theirs).

So if you need a hug, go hug a dog. A daily dose is good for the soul.

That's why I have a dog...

Examination.

I am officially now on Spring break. My mind feels free yet cluttered. My body feels relaxed yet over burdened. My spirit feels content yet thirsty. How absolutely blessed I am to have this opportunity to be expanding my mind in college.

I am reminded, in fact teased, about when I was a little girl that everywhere I went I packed things with me, particularly books, stacks of them. Mom would say, "Lori, you cannot possibly read all of those on our way to town." Of course I knew I couldn't, but I never knew which one was going to strike my interest and so I'd bring all of them. It is still the same when I travel. I travel with a couple of novels, a business book, a spiritual book, several magazines, business reports...it really is pathetic!

So my thoughts after ten weeks of school having been out for twenty five. All things in life lend itself to another.

We spend so much time in this great free country of America trying to control our futures and our destinies, of which I am not saying that we shouldn't. What I am saying is that sometimes our days lack the meaning until what is important is threatened or lost. We go through the motions out of obligation or habit. I ask where is the authenticity in that?
Wherein this comes to mind...
Examination. Our lives deserve examination, regularly.

I got a grade back today on a midterm exam, it was a C. Today a C, is good enough.

Happy Birthday Baby

My baby turns 20 today! No more teenagers? I’m not sure if I should celebrate or cry.

Tandin, this beautiful child has always been a joy. Actually, I take that back, I can think of times playing golf with him when he was 9 or 10 that was miserable because if he was not playing well, we ALL paid. He has always had high expectations of himself and the pressure he would put on himself, was and always will be, much worse than what we as his parents could ever impart. Maybe this is typical of the youngest in the family?

Tan is in the civil engineering program at the University of Utah and is considering a double major in architecture. It is all highly confusing to me.I look at his homework in complete awe. He is a very intelligence boy and I laugh that I bore this beautiful child. I find it unusual that his sensitive and emotional side is highly developed as well. Traditionally, what we find with the “techy people” is they are less emotionally in tune with themselves and others. Contraire for Tandin, he is the go-to person for advice with friends, and he is very much aware of our family and how it all spins. The nice thing about my Tan is he seems to keep it all in check. He is an excellent observer. We have coined the word “Tandinism”, because even at the tender age of 20, he seems to create rare passages of wisdom that have great depth, meaning and humor all in one. My blog is actually full of Tandinism’s. This boy seems to have this subtle, powerful effect everywhere he goes.

I look forward to the next 20 years of loving this boy, seeing his dreams come true, watching him build his buildings and share more of his subtle insights that so powerfully affect everyone around him…particularly me…Happy birthday baby!

Stop Look, But Most of all Listen!

I talk a lot. And sometimes I break out in song. Mostly in my own home for if it was in the general public I may be committed... (prematurely)! I can neither rhyme nor hold a tune to save my life, but the dogs, oh how they love it! How do I know? They sing with me. ;)

So life brings on change. Last year at this time I was working on a business with my sister, this year I went back to school. I was just a few credit hours shy of a bachelors degree, however changing my field will require another 3.5 years to get a masters degree.

What a drastic switch, going from me doing most of the talking, leading, and directing in our business to sitting still and listening, trying to soak in every word that is being said.

For 20 years At Phazes I was the big fish in my own sea. Now I'm barely an old goldfish trying to find my way. How lucky I am for this opportunity to be exposed to an outside world filled with so much knowledge.

Exposing oneself to different experiences can and will bring about growth...particularly when an abundance of listening is required.

If we learn abundantly in academia by listening, would it then make sense that our relationships may benefit from more listening as well? Does our desire to be heard, or to prove, or to be right, get in the way of listening, and therefore learning?

What is life really about for you? The activities, the knowledge, or THE PEOPLE? And finally what motivates us to do what we do?

My changes? I took a little time to Stop, Look and Listen to my heart and then made a few changes. I do wish there were more Stop Lights along the road of life to indicate when it's safe to Go, best to Yield... and necessary to Stop.

I'm still listening and learning my life lessons.
Oh, and just so you know, I do have a doctorate degree, from the School of Hard Knocks.

Oh No Not the R Word!

My recommendation? Don't do it! Tandin says, "Don't set your expectations too high, then you won't be disappointed."

Resolutions. I've done 'em. Oh believe me, I have stacks of planners with goals, New Year’s resolutions, schedules, have to, should's, want to's and could's.

I started my career, and launched my business with Tony Robbins chatter in my brain! You don't know who Tony Robbins is? He went from a homeless guy living out of his car to a millionaire hopelessly in love in less than a year! Ha! What an idol for an idealistic 23 year old business woman on fire!? I was an idiot!!!

A clip of Tony Robbins...if you dare:

Actually I like Tony Robbins, I have just found the softer approach works better for me...

So I write affirmations. Ahhh, you thought I'd given up on this form of self actualizing altogether? NEVER! (Unless I'm depressed, then it all goes to hell) Anyway an affirmation is a positive statement written to you about yourself as if it is already true.

Example: I always eat healthy and delicious food to keep my body and brain working in tip top condition!
(This is NOT exactly how one of my affirmations would read; it would be even a LITTLE too far-fetched for my cookie loving sub conscious mind to believe)

So the whole idea in life is learning how to set yourself up to win…If resolutions and goals work for you, GO FOR IT.

Otherwise you may want to try the softer side and not use the "R" word!

2009 Finale-Part II

Flower & a Movie. Oh I know it's supposed to be dinner and a movie but I'm not picking food to finalize my year!

The movie: Dr. Zhivago.
Every year during the holidays I watch this classic. I love the history, the scenery, and the message of the most awful gut wrenching acceptance of the dreadful things that life and war deals to people. War not only effects people during the present but goes on for generations.

There are so many different types of wars we battle.

I noticed that Lara's character always had flowers wherever she was. First in the battle zone where they treated hundreds that were wounded, then in her very modest apartment.

Which brings me to--


The Flower: A Sunflower.

My final pick for this year is the Sunflower, for its message of Hope and Sunshine as a New Year begins.



Here's to 2010...may the Wildflowers grow all around you, and in your heart.

With love, L~

2009 Finale-Part I

Last year to culminate the year I picked a color, a wildflower and a weed in honor or my blog title, Shades of Grey or a Kaleidoscope, wherein I always had a color, wildflower or weed in the title.

This year I simplified.

I do have some fav's to complete this year...they have special meaning and story lines to conclude 2009.

The book: Radical Acceptance. This is not a novel. This is a book to read sections of, ponder, and let it be. You have to be at a certain place in your life for this book; you must be ready for this one. I purchased it long ago, picked it up, started to read it and thought, "what a stupid book". Just a couple of months ago I picked it up, started reading it and well, it "spoke to me". Enough said.

The song: The STORY So Far by Flogging Molly

You always had what you wanted
So leave it behind
And if the glass isn't broken
Then the futures not blind
All that you know means nothing to you
But its the loss of control shatters the truth

That's the story so far
It's already here
We've made it this far
Sure we battled the spears
But life cuts to pieces
To the wounds from the secrets
Makes it all who you are

Love craves self destruction
It's a blizzard in hand
Lay your cards on the table
But you're not in command
So burn with the fire
You so eagerly lit
Watch the flames flicker higher
Said I don't care about me

Here's the story so far
It's already here
We've made it this far
Sure we battled the spears
But life cuts to pieces
To the wounds from the secrets
Makes it all who you are

Oh it's bitter the pill
That you swallow to feel
I don't care what I lost
I just thank god I'm alive

Makes it all who you are

That's the story so far

to be continued...

My story Vs. Your story

So we all have a story to tell.


What if we were both at the same event, but when asked about the event, you saw things very differently than I saw things. That does not make either of us right or wrong, bad or good. People just interpret, or receive things differently. I suppose this is why we need a court of law and several witnesses to get to "the truth."

Relationships can be similar in a way. We have our story in our minds as to how the relationship “is” or “should be." Whether it is a friendship, love relationship, parent-child, work associate, we have created this image, but it is OUR image, not theirs.

Interesting concept isn't it!?

I was asked the I-beam question 26 years ago while in college...I've never forgotten it.

"If you had to risk your life to cross an I-beam 1,000 feet in the air, what would be worth crossing for?"

It certainly was not worth the risk for money or things, but for people I loved that were in trouble there wasn't a second thought.

So relationships are worth risking for...but how often do we get the other persons side? How often do we even know if they are in trouble?

If we want to have better relationships maybe we need to know both sides of the story....

Or maybe we put all the stories aside and listen to our hearts and get to know theirs.




THIS HERE --------------->
Looks like a hack job to me.

HIS Parables

Few argue of His ability to teach. But He did not spell things out. He taught in Parables. He made you think and ponder, something that seems to be more difficult to do these days.

Why is that?

We occupy our minds with so many things...we put our value on things we own or do. We like to think it is always the other guy who does this?

Why is that?...We are imperfect, and working on it...

We celebrate His birthday today. I am grateful.

A Sneaker Allegory

My son is a "Sneaker Head". We are celebrating 22 years today with this "Sneaker Head", miracle son of ours. I say miracle because at 8 months old I left him in the bathtub, with the water running. I took a business phone call and 12-15 minutes later I frantically hung up and ran to the bathtub where I discovered him unconscious floating face down in the tub. I revived him by giving him CPR with help from a 911 dispatcher and today he walks perfectly and happily so long as he has a pair of authentic Jordan collector sneakers on his feet. His mind works perfectly as well, he can talk brilliantly about any subject that interests him...particularly sneakers.

Chase is the type of person that likes what he likes. That seems like a 'cliche', that everyone is like that. I beg to differ. I'm not so sure. This is NOT to say that Chase is black and white or judgmental in any way. On the contrary. He is one of the most loving, tender-hearted people I know. But his feet are firmly planted on certain things that are favorites of his.

I like where Chase is headed in life. He has learned from some very difficult roads.

We ALL make choices for good and ill. I believe that we can learn from everything that we go through if we look for the 'life lessons'. Chase has shown that in his young life he has an awareness far beyond his years.

Choice is a divine teacher, for when we choose we learn that nothing is ever put in our path without a reason. Iylana Vanzant

Sometimes we have to get up and go...and other times we don't. Sometimes we stay down awhile and figure out what there is to learn while we are on the pavement, the stony path, amongst the thorns and thistles. There is usually more to learn while we're down--than there is while we are skipping merrily along our way. But, eventually we all MUST get up again, and put one foot in front of the other.

A knowledge of the path cannot be substituted for putting one foot in front of the other. M. C. Richards

I'm sure Chase has had times where he felt alone in his "wilderness". Most of us have walked through some pretty dark and ugly wilderness and we all felt very alone. I believe Chase knows that I was always very close, even though maybe he could not see me. The truth is we are never really alone. When we go through our own dark wilderness there is sure to be a promised land on the other side.

The Promised Land always lies on the other side of the wilderness.
Havelock Ellis

I love this child just like I love all my children. We ALL learn through our bumps...and we are always the better for it. Some people choose to pretend they never have any bumps in life (ego maniacs), some don't for a time (luck eventually always runs out). Some people choose to deny they ever have any bumps on their road (the head in the sander's). Some may think they can go around their bumps (the avoider's). I don't recommend any of these. I've been and done them all. They're painful. There is one REAL road on this journey called life, THROUGH IT. You are the better for it when you just GRIN and LEARN, and CRY a little along the way. It's the higher ground.

Bless not only the road but the bumps on the road. They are all part of the higher journey. Julia Cameron

Happy birthday my son and I am looking forward to our new journey together at the "U".

I was wondering...could you buy ME a new pair of really cool sneakers for your birthday so you'll be proud to be seen with me? Just wondering?

tHe dYsFunCtioNaL FaMilY CHriStMaS stOrY

Last night we had our annual Christmas party at my mom's house. My mom's adorable small little house is always decked out as only she can do with her festive decorations. We grownups anticipate her cooking like the little kids anticipate Santa.

Growing up, Christmas was a big thing. Tons of presents under the tree and we would get up during the night to open them because dad would often have to milk the cows at 5:00 a.m. and we did not want to wait until he got finished. When my kids were little it was a bit more reasonable, the hour landed between 6:00-8:00 a.m.. It would have been later, but I couldn't stand it any longer! I always had to get the kids up! Unbelievable how these 3 little boys could sleep when they knew Santa had come!!

Christmas changes when the kids have all grown, and there are no grandchildren. Yes, I have the dogs, but somehow they just haven't gotten the whole idea quite yet, other than Dozer stealing one particular stuffed animal reindeer off of the tree that he insists is his!










So to prove craziness runs in my family here is one of the highlights of Christmas for our dYsFunCtioNal FaMilY. The Christmas Story, knocked off from "Twas the Night Before Christmas" and it is authored by my sister, Sherry and her satirical son Ryan. Believe me Ryan has no mercy and holds no bounds! Sherry keeps the reigns on him...and they fight a bit, and we laugh, laugh A LOT, while the writing is going on!!



The story this year was six pages. There is a lot of roasting in the family to dish out, it is all in fun. Sherry and Ryan spend HOURS, and this is their gift to the family. Wow, HOURS of love and laughter about our families silly quirks. If you didn't love someone, you wouldn't spend time caring what they did!

Sometimes it may seem judgmental, believe me, if there is any judgment it is out of complete love. We know things about each other, sometimes more than other families, maybe that's good, maybe that's bad, whatever it is, it just is. Every family has certain dynamics. I love each and every person in my family for who they are, their strengths and weakness. My idiosyncrasies get aired plenty and I know everyone loves me through all of them. Have they judged me? Sure. But in the end, they love me in spite of me. If they don't I have realized that's on them not me.

We have learned to laugh at ourselves through all our foibles, mistakes, illnesses, and tragedies. There are some sacred cows and we try to be sensitive to those. Yes we have hit some sensitive nerves before. I say "we" and I have not ever written anything, however I had been consulted on some things to say yay or nay to whether they go in or out. I'm usually pretty liberal because, believe me I've taken it in the shorts, between the eyes and everywhere else too!

In the end the story goes that we love and we love hard. Yes we ARE the definition of a dYsFunCtioNal FaMilY, but tell me who is NOt? I find that those who are most judgmental towards others are towards themselves as well. This takes acute awareness, a GOOD STRONG LOOK IN THE MIRROR, for all we can ever change is ourselves.

I say look at yourself first and always, not other families and not people in your own family! What do you own? How do you function in your family? Do you contribute? How do you contribute? Are you a peacemaker? Do you take time, spend time? Do you love unconditionally? Are you fault finding? What can you do better towards your family? Because in THE END all there really is, is FAMILY...to be continued...

It's a Brain Theme

Something happened to me the other day that well, frankly sent me into a bit of a meltdown. My dad said this sort of thing happened to him and he does not have any type of mental illness. What he has had is a lifetime of stress, financial pressure and responsibility for many people. I have felt his pain. I laugh at him because he can roll around numbers and interest in his head easier than putting those electric suction things on the cow’s teats (my dad was a dairy farmer).

So here is what happened...my brain, it feels like it short circuited. It just goes kaput, into the fog, on overload. I value my intelligence. I like to think. And actually I think too much. This may be why it does this, this short circuit business.

It happens when I am doing numbers. Spread sheets to be exact. I am NOT a numbers person; math and I don't get along. I get business accounting sheerly on account of I HAD to! And when you see red you work hard. I am a hard worker.

So apparently doctors can be wrong. A few years ago I was told that with each manic episode I had I would lose brain cells, and that this disease may induce early Alzheimer’s. Therefore strict adherence to my med's, as well as self management was imperative. It really scared me…Then I just got used to the idea if I totally lost my mind, well, I guess I wouldn't really know! ;)

Anyway back to the point, thank goodness for continuing research! They have found that anti-depressants rebuild brain cells. Go figure!? Yep, anti-depressants cause brain cells to grow in the hippocampus. So what’s the hippocampus? It’s where learning and memory take place in the brain. The scientific name for cell regrowth is called "neurogenesis."

Don't get me wrong, the crowd I belong to are no dummies:



Which is an entirely different subject, but all the same this blog (inclusive of a comment by yours truly) IS very cool...Is Bipolar Cool?

And don’t take my word for it! What do I know! It’s Drs. Manji and Duman's research. It is fascinating and great news.

Our brains…a wonderful theme, I mean thing!

The Soundtrack

Oh,one more thing, and then I will shut up about Grey's Anatomy. The Soundtrack. Every good story, movie, maybe even in life we need a Soundtrack. Do you have one? I don't. But maybe someday I will. I think it sounds like a great idea!


I'm not really sure about this but I believe this is the theme song, if not, it sure goes well with my theme this month! Check it out--The Story by Brandi Carlile...


Exquisite.

A Grey Tale

My son once said, "The DVR is the greatest invention of the 21st century." I am beginning to agree! ;)

For sheer enjoyment I record 3 hours of Grey's Anatomy every weekday and then watch it when I can. For several years (when Grey's was in the height of its glory) I did not watch TV at all. For now, aside from anything with the last name "ball" or anything having to do with "man stuff", Grey's is pretty much the only--girl drAaaama on our boob tube. I’m out numbered 4-1 by men.

My husband joins me quite often to watch an episode or two of Grey's Anatomy. His niece works in a hospital and he asked her the other day how close “Grey's” is to the real thing? She actually said, “real close”! I know this girl and she is NOT a drama queen. Huh? Which part is close? The emergencies, the heroic saving measures, the death, the sex, the inter-personal relationships?...It leads one to wonder?

Ok, so here is what I really like about the show...the beginning and most of all the ending NARRATION that promotes an overall message for you to think about. If you're a Grey's watcher and you miss it, you are missing out on a lot!

Example: Meredith Grey speaking,--from the episode, Scars and Souvenirs 2007.

"What's worse? a new wound which is so horribly painful or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did? Maybe all wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we'd like to think. But that’s not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over, again.”

Profound, I’d say.


I love novels that have quotes or passages or diary inserts at the beginning or ending of chapters. I love those little quips that have a deeper meaning or a personal expression in them that make you think… just a little bit, ooorrrr maybe a lot.


In my world everything is not so black and white, there is a lot of grey matter; at least according to the tales I've seen, and heard.

A Chapter in a Story

Stories, I live stories. A biography or auto biography... Love 'em!

And how about the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves? We act out our stories all the time, and don't even know it. This is wherein lies the problem, or so those who are working towards "awareness" or "enlightenment" would say. I would have to concur.

I have stories. I have stories about many things. These stories justify me, explain me, excite me, sadden me, but are they me? I ask myself?

Carl Jung said, "He who looks outside dreams, he who looks inside awakens."

My stories are my own, and I have a few. Some of them have been real self destructive dramas. Some I've told to myself too many times and I almost believed them, and they just weren't true, oh yes, it's easy to lie to yourself.

I've had fairy tales, and comedies, and a few horror stories played back and forth, but are they real?

Yes and no. Our thoughts are us. But only so much as we allow them to be. And only so much as we are aware of them. Being present in this moment as to who we are is a challenge for most of us every single day.

I am trying to figure out what chapter of my story I am living in and whose lives I am affecting for the good! I believe I am just beginning or awakening in Chapter 4 of my story? I expect it to be good.

Our Journey

It has been a journey, after 25 years together, it has definitely been a journey.

My husband, Kelly turns 48 today. We don't always celebrate these "HAPPY BIRTHDAY'S" anymore, for they seem to have sped up and now we say, like most people our age, "Where has all the time gone?"


If you do not watch/listen to the YouTube video, allow me just a few lyrics:


..."Faded wedding photographs"...My favorite, that's T.J. at 4 years old in the middle of us.



..."Our children all have grown"... Each their own person, on their way to a life. Their life was molded out of ours, but they each have chosen their own individual ways and we like that. We have allowed them individuality and an opportunity to express themselves. We hope without too much pressure to be anything more or less than who and what they are, and want to become.



..."Mountains we have climbed to get this far"......This one was memorable. A short hike, a picnic, some nice music, a long talk, and of course Zion, along for the journey.

..."We learned to take the laughter with the tears"...Enough said.

..."You stood by me, days and nights that I was gone"...I'm not talking about when I was out of town, it was all the times that my mind was not present. Again enough said.

..."You sacrificed, believed in me, and you stood strong...

..."Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear...

...After all these years...

Happy birthday honey and I will love you forever,
your Wildflower

Lyrics that I Love...

This little rascal is Lyric David Nelson. He is my nephew, and he is a pistol, just like his Grandpa was! He never knew his Grandpa, he died long before he was born. His mother Amanda is just like Lyric, another pistol, she fires off whatever is on her mind, when ever, where ever. They were inspired to name this feisty little guy Lyric because his father is in the music business and loves music like the rest of our family.

I love music...music I find is a great way to relate, with others, and with myself. I listen to music all the time, some songs over and over because I like them so much. I am also always in search of new tunes. Tunes that will uplift me or help me to express myself, with whatever type of mood I happen to be in.

I listen very closely to lyrics, if I can't make them out, I google them. I want to know the words of the songs I am listening to, for a couple of reasons, 1) so I really understand the song, and 2) so I can sing, and sing LOUD, when necessary til my little heart is content!:D

I think I feel a deeper connection to life because of music. It can move me to tears, make my heart feel like it is pounding out of my chest, make me feel more romantic, and even make me feel like running, the problem is...I haven't done that in years! I listen to the beat, the tempo, the instruments and I have playlists on my computer, iPhone and iPod all categorized under headings such as: Chicks TCS (that can sing), Easy Old School, Butt Rock, OHW (one hit wonder) Fav's, Sleep thru Snoring, you get the idea...

Music is like poetry, the words, sure, but the instruments all working together to create a sound that either it works, or it doesn't. And then in what setting does it work? How do you feel? What mood are you in? What are you doing?

So one of my favorite artists was Michael Jackson, the guy had talent beyond anything of this world. I wonder...has my brother been to a concert yet? Has he met Michael Jackson, the King of Pop? Many songs remind me of my brother, rather albums, entire albums.

Some pic's of Dave with Michael Jackson Lyrics...


I Said You Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
You Got To Be Startin' Somethin'


Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night


We pray for our fathers, pray for our mothers
Wishing our families well



Whatever happens, don't let go of my hand


Just Beat It,
No One Wants To Be Defeated


Though you're far away, I am here to stay
But you are not alone, for I am here with you
Though we're far apart, you're always in my heart
But you are not alone...

Stop Look and Listen, NOW!

I have had the good fortune of slowing down...actually quieting down, these past few months. I do believe this is a first in my life! This is the kind where you are able to Stop, Look, and Listen. By nature I am busy-minded.

I am loving and learning a lot from the Eastern practices of the world--meditation, awareness, the now, you know, weird things like that. I have not made my "pilgrimage" to an ashram...(yet):).

I respect all races, and religions for their goodness and differences. I dislike dogma, self righteousness and judgment inflicted on others that puts one above, or otherwise exercises control. To me these things seem to get us into trouble...for the most part.

As I had mentioned in my previous post that life seems to come full circle when we look for it. There is so much meaning in the small things in life. And yet when we rush through, how much do we miss? I am sorry to say, I missed so much. I missed little things, fixing breakfast for my kids, appreciating the Fall leaves, really listening to a friend.

Oh, I forgive myself, I am trying to live NOW! I'm grateful I have recognized these things...NOW!