My 2008 Year End Picks...

As the year comes to a close I have picked a color, a wildflower and a weed to represent my summation of 2008...I also decided to add the Pink Panther Theme since Pink was my color of choice. I liked Pink Panther while I was growing up, but my brother Dave LOVED him. He watched cartoons (all of them) up until his tragic accident 14 years ago at the tender age of 34. When I hear this song I smile. It brings back many good memories for me as a teenager.

My Color Pick: PINK: Pink encourages friendliness while discouraging aggression and ill-will. That says a lot for me right there. Enough said.

My Wildflower Pick: The BUTTERFLY WEED: Yes it says weed, but it is a beautiful bright orange flower! I picked it because a butterfly does come from an ugly caterpillar. 2008 had many ugly times but I have experienced enough in my life to know that these ugly times do turn into butterflies of some sort. This flower is somewhat slow from the seed, but once it is established in loose soil, it is a very permanent fixture in meadows.

My Weed Pick: ASPARAGUS: Actually asparagus IS classified as a weed, but is a member of the lily family? This all seems a little mixed up, which seems to fit my year as well. I picked asparagus for a couple of reasons: One, because I have fond memories of going along the ditch bank and picking it with my brother when we were little. My mom would then cook it for dinner. It is one of my favorite vegetables. Two,it is a nutrient rich food full of potassium, fiber, and vitamins. Which is such an important message for me to remember...even something as terrible as a weed can be good for you! We often times judge quickly and harshly. I have found that the times I am most judgmental and harsh is when I am that way with myself.

There has been an immense amount of change in my life in 2008. I have a better awareness of who I am than ever before in my life. Some things I love, some things I like and there are many many things I am still working on. So bring on 2009! I believe I am ready and it is my hope that you are too...or shall I say whatever your journey is I hope it brings you joy and happiness.

In the End my Picks for my life will be my own and this IS GOOD...not all people in this world can and those who CAN sometimes choose not to.

A Big Fat RED Piece of BEEF

I have some Beef!!!

I certainly do not mean to be sounding cynical lately! My son wrote to me from Florida and was wondering WHAT my last blog was "really about" and what was behind my children being hurt? The truth is, I am inspired by present day happenings in my life, however I do/will reflect on past situations quite often.

I am fiercely loyal, I'm a Leo. I take family and friendships very seriously and lovingly. It is more important to me than work, things, money, activities, sports, dogs, and cookies! It is amazing to me how many times I see people play the roles but become So self serving in the heat of the moment.  

How many times do we reduce PEOPLE as a means to an end?? or as a mere function to a particular role for us to play? or a convenience in OUR LIVES? I do wonder? I see, or rather feel it quite often and when I do, it HURTS...and I must remind myself to MOVE AWAY FROM THE PAIN!!!

I believe some of us get caught in the webs that lies around us, and still we follow, and still we stay in these self destructive patterns. It is so terribly difficult to get out, sometimes we don't even recognize the web that has been spun around us!  

Being true to yourself can be painful at first, but Deathly if you ignore it. You can be dead on the inside but still have a heartbeat. I've been there. You have to know self administered CPR. You have to be strong, resilient and search for it............ any way you know how. You cannot do it alone, that is why we have friends and family! Pride HAS to be put aside, humility ALWAYS comes before change.

I get hurt and I eventually get over it. Time heals life's wounds. You will heal too, and if you choose to be bitter, you will never be better.  Pain disguises itself with an ugly face.

The only way to have lots of friends is, BE A friend. The only way to have great relations with your family is MAKE good relations with your family. You either draw people to you.... or you don't. 

You choose. At some point you have to ask yourself who is the common denominator, if it is you, CHANGE.... or be the Victim.

You can be offended by my BEEF.......or Not. If it hits close to home and you feel the sting, then do something about it, life is too short.

If you have narcissism in your family, i strongly suggest the book, "Children of the Self Absorbed". I have read it 3 times. Most families/relationships have some element of
narcissism, and it can be crippling. You CAN get past it. It takes TIME, but you can!

I suppose Red Beef can be good, it just depends on how you prepare it.... and how you  digest it. I am working on developing a taste for "rare please" and i will probably try to keep it in small proportions. "Moderation in all things" has proven to be a good motto for me.

Brown Mother Bear is Right & Happy

I do not like to be manipulated. I do not like phony people. They make life painful. One area that is particularly sensitive is when you hurt my children...Mother Bear comes out!!!

I do not believe people wake up and think "Okay, I am going to ruin Mrs. Whojit's day today by speaking poorly about her children." Of course they don't! People just don't think at all. They think they are different. They think their judgments are okay and justified. Apparently they think their words do not travel or do not hurt?

I do not like people who abuse their power. Position is not to be over someone. I have found that the most effective way of leading people is by their side and cheering them on. Understanding where they are at, being there with them IN the moment. Counseling your team is much different than telling. Inspiring is much different than motivating. Asking is much different than telling. Power can be very positive or negative!

Some people are takers other are givers. The best relationships are two givers. Two takers won't last long at all. Oftentimes you have a taker and a giver...until the giver just gives out. Truth is you may change roles with different people at different times in your life, but by nature you are either one or the other.

I believe that most people do have good hearts and truly want to do good by others. I also believe there is a deficit of love and an abundance of self absorbed people that fear the very thing they need the most...Unconditional Love.

It seems to make sense that if we give Unconditional Love away it WILL come back...at least from the people that we would be interested in it from...RIGHT? RIGHT!

Now Mother Bear is Right AND Happy about that one!!!

My Christmas Eve White Blanket of Peace

I am dogsitting for the holiday! This beautiful white ball of fur is Izzy. Izzy and my dog Zion are best friends. Don't let their difference in size fool you. Zion generally dominates when it comes to play time with toys, but that is just because Izzy is so mild mannered and has the disposition of a Saint. Zion and Izzy know what it means to comfort a soul in need. For that they are special beyond words...and spoiled beyond comprehension.

Izzy has been with us for a few days now and it is amazing to get to know the personality of a dog. They differ just as humans. Izzy's family was hit by tragedy last March. They lost their daughter in a skiing accident and I believe it is by no accident that Izzy was meant to be in their home to help heal and soothe them during their times of need. As I work in my home office I have had a picture of Izzy and Jocie that I took 3 weeks prior to her accident hanging to the left of my screen. It helps remind me of what Jocie taught me. One: that life is fragile and it can change in an instant. Two: Love purely, unconditionally and vivaciously. Three: Go BIG or Go HOME.This was her motto and she lived by it thoroughly.

Jocie went home on March 22, 2008. Anyone that knew her has never been the same for she had a "big personality". She was as full of life as her red hair was beautiful, but for as much as we do not understand why tragedies happen we must trust in the Lord in all His goodness and know that He will take care of us through the good and the bad. Life IS hard. I don't believe it was meant to be easy because if you really reflect on your life and ask yourself when have I grown the most, I think you will discover it is when life is the toughest. When you have to claw your way out of darkness is when you really find out who you are and what is really important to you.

All to often we make Christmas about us. How tired we are, how many presents WE gave, got, wrapped. How much WE cooked, cleaned, worked, ate, partied, shopped. Every time I catch on to that old inkling of when you lose yourself you will find yourself low and behold it works!! It's a funny thing. When I get caught up in myself...that is when I am the most miserable.

Christ was ALWAYS the perfect example. Humble, meek, mild, patient, long suffering, understanding, kind, charitable. We complicate a lot of things. This life really is short. It is meant to be happy, joyful and peaceful. Today I am grateful to snuggle up to a white blanket of peace along with my consistent companion Zion.

Two of my three boys will be gone this Christmas. There are no presents under our tree this year. Our boys are older, our extended family is under different circumstances this year. Nothing however seems amiss. My glass is always half full because that is the perspective I choose (most of the time). No one was a better example of standing up though being spat upon, beaten, teased, tested, whipped, homeless and forsaken. After all the dumb things I have done He has NEVER forsaken me!

I am grateful to be able to reflect and remember Christ this CHRISTmas and to have had a white blanket of peace come to me.

A Joyful Ball of Red, Green Blue, Orange...

OK, now this is funny! I say that's the HOLIDAY SPIRIT!! To me it says: "I was thinking about it, got tired and went in and had myself a cup o' hot cocoa and did what ever I wanted!" You go boy or girl, whatever the case may be. It doesn't look as though the weather was too snowy out, couldn't use that excuse! And why do we have to have an excuse? It's our houses, can't we do with them as we please? To which I say, NO, he** NO, not if you're my neighbor, I don't want that hangin' around my house but I sure get a kick out of it in other neighborhoods.

When my husband and I drive around in December we inevitably make comments or shall I say dis on the bad Christmas light "jobs" and laugh our heads off. So here was one last night...the old half way around the HUGE pine tree in the front lawn gets ample lights, starts running out of lights the tree gets too tall so the rest of the lights get attached to the eaves of the house, (but just on half of the eaves)...of course! LOVE IT!!! Here is another we saw last night. The beautifully lit huge home that sits on top of the hill with all white lights professionally done that perfectly shows off the windows and pitches. The small home that sits next to the HUGE home with a few mis-matchy lights that have probably been pulled from their basement and thrown on the few small pine trees and put on the front of part of the house like bad teeth that look like they need braces. Hummm? I might just say to George, "why don't you skip it this year honey?"

One year my husband worked very hard to neatly line the sidewalk with lights by first putting stakes up and then neatly attaching the lights to the stakes. (I had nothing to do with this.) The first person to come along kicked them, and well you can probably finish the story from there...

Ok here is one more I love, this one I call the bipolar. This is the yard that has the blinking lights on the tree and the solid at the same time and you look at it and you say to yourself...what am I suppose to think about that??? Well that is exactly how I FEEL sometimes!!

All in all, this sounded very condescending, but believe me what ever makes you JOYFUL it is all worth it. so for now I'm going to go have a cup o' cocoa and snuggle with the dogs in front of the fire.

If all Christmas lights were perfect and there were no blinking ones December drives would be really boring. Such is life if you think about it.

The Garlic Weeds

Ya I realize Garlic is NOT a weed. However the weeds at the ski resort yesterday sure made the mountain "stink!" One run, 19 inches or so...not so good! Our friends, oddly enough last name "Garlicks's" asked us to go and fools that we are, we geared up and went.

In this picture of many HAPPY skiers atop Targhee resort in Wyoming you would find both of our families scattered about. We started going there annually when our children were young. Now all of our children are grown and we generally "tag-a-long" with the Garlick's where ever they go. They know the best spots and are absolute animals when it comes to the outdoors. We always threaten to get in shape for the next round of activities and never follow through, but they seem to appease us and like us still. They have to wait for us (or at least me) quite often. I have had a lot of rather good excuses I thought...I'm working on my next one!

I have always loved the mountains. If I need peace this is where I go. It is also very easy for me to get lost in the complexities of life. But the true reality is, it is all very simple and I make it hard. Maybe it is just me, I don't know?

Just as we depend on nature for our own physical survival, we can depend on nature to show us the way home, out of our own thinking minds. I get lost in thinking, worrying, doing, remembering, anticipating, and it is all really ridiculous. Think about it this way, what has nature really taught us? The rocks, the weeds, the flowers, the animals already know how to just be! It sounds so simple and maybe it is? Maybe things are meant to be just a little more simple and that is why a visit to nature might help us to not be such "stinkers!"

The Big Red Apple

How swiftly life can change. I like change, but resist it all the same. I create it and then fight myself for having done so. I am taking a leave of absence from my business that I have toiled over for 21 years. I fretted over this business like it was one of my children, which is exactly why I needed a break. It is not my nature to sit idle so I am starting a new internet business. My business is in very good hands and will carry on with or without me. This is as it should be.

To follow your passions, isn't it the souls duty to be loyal to its desires? I fear these changes because staying where I am is safe, it's predictable, but somehow along the way I have known I have needed a change.

My mother told me just the other day that I should eat an apple every day, that it would be "good for me." I had a dream just the other night that eating an apple was on my TO DO checklist. I have had a planner and worked from a TO DO checklist since I was 21 years old. It drives me so hard that sometimes I have forgotten how to just enjoy the simple things. Productivity has been more important sometimes than people. Aghh! My new business partner is now the checklist guy. He tells us what to do and we are the creators. I like it.

My sister and I will be working in The BIG APPLE next month. My sister and I have traveled to some of the most beautiful places on earth together for business. Now I don't know about beautiful but if there is one place you can feel so totally free to be who you are without anyone giving a hoot and holler it is Manhattan. I think we're going to like that. We are both starting anew.

For some reason I can't seem to get Sheryl Crow's song out of my head "The Change Will Do You Good." So for now I'm going to go with that. I guess somebody has to!

3 Black Noses and a Lady

I am afraid I have become the enabler of bad behavior! Actually I have probably done more than my share all my life. It's a hard habit to break when you are the people-pleaser peace-maker kind of person. All things are very good-- in moderation. I don't have all the answers that's for sure.

So Roxee Lynn snores in bed. Actually all 3 dogs snore, and I just put my iPod in and try to sing myself back to sleep. We only have a queen size bed. I can deal with a couple of very small Bostons in my bed in fact I rather love the warmth and security. The bed accommodates four just fine Mr. Dozer is welcome in off hours. Eleven to seven are pretty well designated for my husband. Here is the problem...if I have been gone all day I feel Dozer needs the togetherness of the family and not to be singled out by making him sleep on the couch in the other room or at the foot of our bed. He's a freaking DOG (I know)! And I love him, I cuddle him, play with him, pick up after him, scold him, feed him, clean out the boogers in his eyes for him and I feel his tender little heart. What can I say? So some nights it's the 5 of us (and it ain't pretty). My legs feel like they are in a mummy sleeping bag made out of dog. We usually get to fore go the 5 a.m. growl potty call from Mr. Dozer because his bladder does not seem to bother him so much when he feels the warmth of Gramog's legs all night. Funny thing?

My son doesn't care about the sleeping arrangements. When he takes his booboo's on "his weekends" they sleep with him too. But he is NOT happy about my indulgence with his babies and sharing my toast, okay little snippets of meat, maybe a little cookie here and there, ya they actually ate broccoli with me the other day. OK, so we eat all of our meals together!!! The 3 kids are gone now and I just have 3 different pair of hungry eyes looking at me when I eat! If I don't share they love me all the same, but what the heck they love people food sooooo much. Dozer sometimes whines when I am getting to the end of my toast. Is this bad behavior, poor dog etiquette, have I enabled him? I think he is an awfully smart bulldog. Gramog is proud!

It is said that we let our grandchildren (or grandog's) get away with more than we would our own children. WELL I'LL BE! Is this not how it should be? Is there proper order in how things are to be done, those'unwritten rules'? Grandparents, spouses, even step parents until they have earned the respect and trust(which takes time)should be there to support and give unconditional love to family (dogs are family too ya know). Do we disempower the actual one who should be in charge of doing the parenting, the parent(s) themselves when we overpower them because we think we are the ones who have all the answers? Who is to say you are right? Just a thought??? I realize some grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. have custodial rights and they ARE the designated authority and primary disciplinarian and caretaker in the child's...or dogs life, whatever the situation may be.

I am not advocating letting children get away with bad destructive behavior that is violating you. That is called setting YOUR BOUNDARIES. There is a difference. But that is about you, not them and not the parents or any other relationship you may be in. We get the lines crossed often. We place judgment often on everyone and everything and do not look in the mirror.

As I finish this entry I have 2 black nosed short haired love dogs in my lap and I am having a hard time reaching the keyboard, but I manage. The other big lug WILL NOT fit or I would probably try to finagle it. His black nose rests on the red blanket in my lap waiting for a smidgen of toast.

Some bad behavior is just plain worth it...at least in this ladies mind. I AM a Gramog you know!

Hill of Red Beans

I had a beautiful young girl stop by to see me last night. How fortunate I have been to have relationships with young girls, even though my children are all boys. I cherish the tenderness of girls. By no means are my boys not tender though. They are extremely tender, however society teaches the male gender that it is not as "socially acceptable" to show their feelings. I think this is the biggest bunch of hog wash, but who am I to change society?! Fact is, I know the tenderness of my boys, and they know it, and we show it to each other in the proper times, and it is BEA-utiful.



My friend who came by, brought me a cheerful little gift, and words of love and encouragement. I shared with her the changes that I will be making within my position in my business, as well as the changes in my med's AGAIN!..

This discussion of medication opened up the door to how she had been feeling lately. She confided that it was difficult for her to get herself to get in the shower at times, much less to school. And the tears began...hers, mine, it did not matter, we got it!!!

I've been there, she's been there, chances are she will be there again and I will too. This is called depression, and IT HURTS. There is no pain killer for it and no one "gets it," unless they have lived it..really lived it. I am not talking about situational depression, I am talking about the kind where you can't get yourself to feel any joy at all, and the type that you can't explain why..it just sits on you like an ugly black dog.

Her mother has depression and is on an anti-depressant and I asked her if she was. She said that she was not because she could not bring herself to doing that. I got the impression that she felt that she thought she was weak, if she could not get "over this" or that she was still too young to resort to anti-depressants. Yes, she is young and she has been through some really tough things in her young life.

In as loving of a way as I possibly could, I tried to explain a few things that I have come to know, by way of study and purely personal experience and observing a lot of people. Our brains are very complicated; we know a whole lot more today than we did 5 years ago and especially 20 years ago. There are feel good chemicals in our brain called serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, if these chemicals get out of balance (depleted=depression) (abundance=mania) then you just feel unhappy, lousy, like not getting out of bed, the degrees vary, if there is too much of the chemical the opposite happens which creates a bipolar effect. Depression is among the most treatable of psychiatric illnesseses. Depression affects 10% of Americans today and 4% with bipolar disorder. Between 80 percent and 90 percent of people with depression respond positively to treatment, and almost all patients gain some relief from their symptoms. But first, depression has to be recognized.

Situational events may bring on bouts of depression, and medication may be the way to put the chemistry back in balance. Some fear they will never be able to go off medication once they start. Why is there such fear about these anti-depressants and not about other drugs? Why such bias? And my argument is, if it improves your life, and those around you, what's the problem, it's a little pill! Have we fallen again for the sensationalism of the media about mental illness? Who fell over the cookoo's nest? YOU, if you fall for that crap! It is just our brain and it is sick, help it, don't be ashamed, it's not your fault.

Here is what I AM saying: anti-depressants and medication ARE NOT for everyone., Yes I know about the book Prozac Nation, media, media, media. Tom Cruise saying that he doesn't believe in anti-depressants, whatev Tom, like anybody cares what you say anymore? Statistics, statistics, statistics, they don't mean a hill of beans if it does not work for you. If you knew how many med's I have been on you'd cry with me too. Addiction, yep, detox, yep, sick, yep, AWFUL, YEP! BTW: I tried the ala NATARALE route too right after detox, that catapulted my very worst bout of mania!

Find what works FOR YOU. Put that HILL of BEANs where it counts... on you. You might have to put your pride aside, not might, you will, if you're honest. Forget about what everyone else is saying all around you, and get quiet enough to figure it out with YOURSELF, and you may want to call on that Big Man in the Sky...on a personal note He's worked miracles for me, many times.

The Fear Flower Factor

I have not been a TV watcher for several years. When I was, Fear Factor was one of the programs that we watched occasionally. I guess being in a house full of boys that was one that would draw the crowd. Now the segment where the participants had to eat THINGS was of particular amusement to me. I really hate sensationalism and this was to me, 'sensationalism' at its finest. Menu: Eyeballs, worms, sour goat milk mixed with bull testicles, (oh, I'm fixing that tomorrow for dinner, everyone welcome r.s.v.p. in the comment box).

This picture is of Peppermint. Doesn't it give you a Warm Feeling? That is what Peppermint stands for. Isn't that what this season is meant for? To bring about warm feelings for one another? For all man kind???

A man was trampled to death at a retail store on black Friday by crowds FEARING they would not be the ones to win the deal. Yes, this is true, it happened in our country! I quote from an article out of the New York Times, "I think it ties into a sort of fear and panic of not having enough." I ask, when is enough ENOUGH?

We have often said in our family "if money can fix it, it's NOT a PROBLEM". Losing your health, that's a problem! Losing a loved one, that's a problem! Perspective, losing that, IS a problem! Fighting within a family, that's a problem! You CAN be poor and be happy. Ego and Fear get in the way of so many many things. I have a lot of personal experience with both.

I have 'chats' with myself many nights as I lay down to sleep and it goes something like this...How well did you show LOVE today? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well apparently Fear has been a Factor for you today. Try again tomorrow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Within the Silver Lining

Happy Birthday Beautiful Child of Mine! T.J.(Tyson Joe) we call him Teej, I'm into one syllable names, is 28 years old today. I actually had him the day before Thanksgiving. So at 17 years old I spent my Thanksgiving in the hospital. I remember after I had him I was so excited so to celebrate I ate the hospitals Thanksgiving dinner shortly after delivery, in which it came up as quickly as it went down.

Even though at 16 I was devastated to find myself pregnant this child was the delight of my life. We seemed to form a bond early in life possibly because I was a child raising a child. He intuitively was so concerned for me and I was a protective Mother Bear of him. When he was 3 years old we lived with my parents and he played his rendition of happy birthday to me on the piano including vocals. Priceless!

I would say that life has not been easy for Tj or even for me for that matter. I'm not crying the blues one bit, what I am saying is that this IS LIFE. We have been very happy through the challenges. Happiness is a CHOICE. Bitter and ornery people are a pain.

My sister shared something with me just the other day that I thought was very profound: What are you willing to let go of in order to get what you want. T.J. had to let go of a drug habit. This is a big question for many of us. One that I suggest we all contemplate...

T.J.'s journey has only just begun, he has his whole life ahead of him and it looks as if amongst his tough beginning there is a silver lining...

Yellow Brick Roads

This is my husband and his best friend. It was my husbands birthday yesterday, maybe we are getting to the age (47) that he wouldn't want me to say how old he is! My husband is a very devoted friend and he loves to serve others. I am sure this is why he has been successful in our business, he truly loves people.

Dave is in Egypt working he will be returning home next summer. We met Dave when we moved into our first home 22 years ago. Our children were young; they had only one child, whom we now call our 4th child. He in fact comes to see us more than our own children!

We have shared many roads with Dave, like the ones to Vegas and California, even ones when we did not know where we were going! I don't believe we will be traveling to Egypt however. We have traveled roads of heartache for him, he has traveled them for us, for our children, and for other family members as well, this is what you do with lifetime friends.

I'm not exactly sure what it was that made me take my unconscious 8 month old child who had nearly drown in the tub to Dave's house, but he heard my screams from my house across the yard. He told me to call 911 and after Dave gave the first breath I started the rest of the CPR, which we were blessed enough to have a favorable outcome.

I cannot explain why some things work out and why they don't at other times. That same summer 20 years ago there were 2 other bath tub drowning's, one died, the other had severe brain damage. I felt guilty so many times and wondered why I was so lucky to have this perfect child. But you know we never know what is on our yellow brick road and at some time we have to meet the Oz...

A Melancholy Flower

I love symbolism. Just as color can bring about certain emotions, flowers have certain meanings. The daisy means innocence and loyal love. A crimson rose depicts mourning. I have felt melancholy for the past several weeks, this flower does not look too melancholy to me. I can fool people as well; I have many times throughout my life.

To live deeply, to live and really feel, is this wrong? Is there a problem? Would you say that Beethoven lived deeply, expressed himself to the extreme through music? How about Vincent van Gogh, what a wide range of paintings and drawings he gave us to enjoy. You can feel his moods reflective in all of them. The humor of Robin Williams and Jim Carey, over the top? Isn't that what we love so much about them? These people with bipolar disorder have clearly been more demonstrative as human beings and we have been the beneficiaries in my opinion.

Regardless of who you are, how you deal with life's challenges, what means of expression you choose to display emotions, it is all very personal and there is not a right or wrong way to do this.

When I am melancholy I choose to keep more to myself. There is a pain inside that aches in my chest, yet no pain killer is available. Sleep is the only freedom from this awful state of existence. Yes it is a form of escape. Yes I have thoughts that oblivion would be a reprieve, but I know that this too shall pass...I will see it through. There is always something to learn during what I have come to know as my humility calls.

A Blanket of Flowers for Every Season

This blanket of flowers is as it should be...beautiful, supreme, colorful. Whatever IS could not be otherwise. That does not always make life easier, but somehow understanding that there is purpose in all things helps. At least it does for me. In most cases, I believe we cannot begin to understand what role a seemingly senseless event may have within the vastness of the whole; there is interconnectedness in all things. Nothing that happens is an isolated event; it only appears to be. The more we judge and label it, the more we isolate it. I do believe that all things happen for a reason and that people come in and out of our lives to help us, teach us, and love us in different ways that we never could have experienced any other way.

This was an email I just received...it's beautiful and poignant.

Just as people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support. To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are...

They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Sowin' some Wild Oats

Does anyone know what these weeds are? They are wild oats. Anyone sowed any wild oats before, maybe carrying on a little now, or have teenagers doing it at this moment? I relate, I've been there, done all of it. Wild oats, I wonder where the expression comes from???

When is it appropriate to make a decision for someone else? When you are a parent this is such a difficult decision. The love you have for your children is beyond comprehension and sometimes you can see the destructive behavior and patterns that your children may be falling into. I had some wonderful advise that stuck with me early while I was raising my first teenager that seemed to feel right to me. I suppose it was the way I wanted to be treated. It was this: by the time a child is 12-13 years old you have taught them who they are going to be. When tough situations reveal themselves, and there will be many, unless the situation is life sustaining or altering save the relationship and be their friend, don't be the heavy authoritarian. I have followed this same rule with all relationships by trying to not be authoritarian about how I do things. I am very passionate yes, and unfortunately there was a time in my life when it was more important to be right than happy! That's a strong family trait...

How about in marriage, considering one another in decisions is crucial. The ability to see each other as equals in all things remains at the core in the strength of the unity. In our business I have seen such a wide variety of people over the years and unfortunately I see all to often an inequality of respect between husband and wife. My observation is this: for those who continue to complain about the same thing over and over year after year, but have taken no action to solve or improve their situation...I have no sympathy. Things are tough, they could be much tougher!

My thoughtful husband has been concerned for me. Apparently he applied for social security disability insurance for me. He mentioned it to me but I guess I did not think much of it until I got a couple of voice messages wanting to interview me for more information to see if I qualified. I have gotten quite a kick out of this whole thing. I only told my sister, but that is like telling the whole world. Anyway, we have laughed so hard, I believe my husband will take it in the shorts but good for this one. My family can be brutal. Moral of the story, don't make decisions, even when intentions are good, for someone else.

When my husband and I filled out our Advance Health Care Directive as we prepared our Will we wanted to make decisions for ourselves as long as we are able and then, and only then, let our children step in.

I intend to be of sound mind and then be gone (good Lord willing)...or spend some mighty fun times sowin' some WILD OATS in one of them, what do they call them, FACILITIES!!! If I've lost my mind that's too bad, I won't know how much fun I'm having. If not, you should look me up, there won't be a more exciting rest home around!!!

A Grey Kind of Week

good times I remember photo album

I needed to remember some good times with my family...it has been a grey kind of week. I miss my boys terribly. The house has been quiet. I have already drug Christmas out! It may seem early, however the older you get time goes by that much faster and when December gets here, I don't want to miss one thing with my family or friends!

I love the holidays. I love playing the same Christmas songs every year. I love the Yankee Balsam Fir Candle. I love dressing up the dogs in Christmas sweaters. I love my mom's fruit cake. I love to play games with my family and I love to hear the famous family Christmas story written by my sister and her son, Ryan. The most wicked, sarcastic roast taken from the outline of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. Everyone basically takes it in the shorts and there is really nothing off limits. They usually call me to see if I think it is "ok", which most everything gets the thumbs up from me.

Summer is my favorite time of the year, but I love the holidays because of the good memories and the closeness I feel with those I love.

We need those around us that we love to help us when we are weak. I am weak right now and can't quite shake all the grey out of me.

Her Cute Black Button Nose

There is always a bit of fear in her eyes. She's needy, she's crazy, she's lovable, she's a pistol, she's Roxee Lynn Peepee Lovedog Chapman.

She is my grandog and I am crazy about her. I have had custody of her pretty much full time for a year now. Her dad, my delightful son, got a little frustrated with her problem of incontinence, thus the name Peepee. We had tried several medications, (including Prozac) but she was too smart and would spit it out no matter how we disguised it (believe me we tried EVERYTHING). I decided she was depressed and just needed a well balanced home and to be showered with love and attention! We could not split up the two so Dozer came with the package.

After raising 3 boys and learning how much you love each one equally but differently because they each are different, you learn that your pets are the same. Zion, Dozer and Roxee each have a different personality. I love each of them the same, but treat each of them differently because they react and are different. You cannot go up to Zion and pet her, she backs away immediately and charges in and is ready to play. If a stranger goes to pet Roxee she may or may not growl and then she usually runs into the closet. If you go to pet Dozer, he'll try to find something to rest his big head on so he can really enjoy himself, his head is big, it's a lot of weight to keep holding up all the time!

Last week with Roxee: 4:00 a.m. potty break, something has lured the two out to the mailbox. I call for them. Nothing. Walk out to driveway. See cat sneer at Roxee! She high tails it across the driveway, looses her ground and skids on her side a couple feet, while Dozer just sits there looking at the scene calmly like "Hey, what up?" I yell at them again to come inside and I am thinking, "If I step in poop I am going to go ballistic." I don't go back to sleep for several hours, I'm not tired anymore!

Zion was enjoying a belly rub from my husband. No sooner did Roxee see this event happening and she ran right between the two, plops in the middle, rolls over and exposes her belly, Zion promptly leaves and it's now all about Roxee! When we are giving out treats Roxee always does some kind of pirouette. We have never taught her this, we do not ask, she just does it. Same thing with if she thinks we are mad at her, she just lays down and rolls half way on her back in submission. It's weird. Mornings and evening are also a ritual, she has needs...she comes and burrows into my neck or gets right up in my face. She needs to be cuddled, she needs closeness, but she rarely licks me. If the other dogs are close, she walks right over top of them (she is only 10 lbs.) and moves in. She doesn't stay very long, but you can tell when she is feeling needy and she usually gets what she wants.

Roxee came to our family when she was a year and a half. She had been neglected and would have died had we not got her. Because of the neglect we are sure this is where much of her behavior comes from. In spite of how crazy she is, she is also endearing to me. Often times we are quick to judge as is the case with many things in life. When we know the full story we find compassion, unconditional love and long suffering.

She may have crazy looking eyes, but I wouldn't change her cute black button nose or her quirks for nothin'!

Smartweed - it's Confusing

Smartweed, with the folk name "smartass", has a behavior problem. Taken out of context, the stuff is attractive but then so are a lot of other things I can think of that are not always so nice or easy to take care of: my hair, my employee's, my sister.:) Apparently smartweeds are not so charming when you've pulled it up for the fifth time in one month either.

I finished reading Electroboy last weekend and I am still trying to process it all. Andy Behrman who is manic depressive and something of a "smartass" himself, tells of his raging mania into his thirties. He would make a spur of the moment decision to hop a plane to go see the Berlin wall come down, just because he felt he had to see it! While I certainly have impulses and obsessions, these are a bit over the top for me.

He changed jobs from filmmaker to go-go boy to opening a public relations business to working in a fashion house to a painting business. He made millions, only to find himself flat broke shortly thereafter. I have been running my own business since I was 21, I am now 45. I could list all the differences and some similarities, it's not important.

My point: Mental illness looks, acts and is different on everyone. I guess that is why it is a disorder in the BRAIN, and why unfortunately there is no cure yet. For some silly reason it is the last organ we still haven't figured out. Hummm? It is just so blasted complicated. I wonder if that is WHY we are so scared of these types of illnesses? We fear what we do not know or understand, it's natural.

The media and things you hear about are only going to be the sensational. That's called NEWS! Don't be sucked in, don't let it scare you and don't believe all of it! I'm not saying Andy Behrman's story is not true, I am saying it is unusual.

Smartweed and bipolar illness have one thing in common. You don't get rid of it. Controlling or managing it might be more achievable. In an interview with Stephen Fry, Andy Behrman gave these statistics: 20% of people with bipolar illness commit suicide. 40% never function well enough and must live with family members. 20% don't function at the level that they expected to function and end up working as clerks and cashiers. 20% stabilize, recover and go on to lead extremely productive lives.

Life can be at the very least sometimes...well, confusing?

Hot Pink Fish Kisses

From one cracked pot to another...I got this email from my sister. It was perfect. I expected some humorous slam to put a smile on my face, but it was actually a very touching beautiful message. That's my sister you never know what you're gonna get!

She is so very special to me and I love her dearly, she sends me more emails than anyone. The one thing I know with her...it is going to have backgrounds, flowers, kisses, jumping things, and that is just the intro! I cannot open her email on my iphone, there is not enough RAM. She has perfected the art of getting excited about the little things and we love teasing her about it...she takes it all in stride and keeps on being over-the-top HER!

I have this thing about emails, they can be funny, touching, rank, informative, whatever. I open them, decide if I am going to read them, and if I do and get to the bottom... and then it tells me to forward/send whatever, to 5/10/50 whatever, friends/family/acquaintances, like they care whatever, so I will be happy/rich/responsible, or I won't be a low life jerk/uncaring/irresponsible/no good for nothin' winch that does not care about dying cats in Africa!!!! It's not as if I don't carry enough guilt of my own, cut the guilt crap. Is this how we motivate one another?

I think the HoT PinK fish kisses would work better!

Caged Brown Eyes

Wanna pway wif me?

This past week my grandog Dozer was hauled off by the dog catcher! He was doing the afternoon patrol and a lady from the neighborhood to the North apparently does not know how completely innocent, harmless and actually what a watch dog Dozer has become in our close neighborhood. I understand that if he is running full blast towards you at 65 pounds, spike collar and the mean under bite look and all... it may throw you off a bit! He just gets excited because he wants to greet you and say, "Hey, I'm Dozer, wanna play?" This is him getting a drink and playing with our neighbor's granddaughter, real mean huh?

Dozer is very tender. When he was a puppy and he would get into mischief we would have to scold him. He would take these scoldings rather hard and hide under the bed...until one day he found he was too large for hiding under the bed. It seems as he grew, his really naughty things tempered, such as: chewing the sides of the wood on our staircase, dragging in tree branches (branches, not limbs, branches), knocking down kids (any size big or small) and stealing their toys (only stuffed animals, he thinks they belong to him) out of their hands and putting them in my office. This past week he did steal 3 small pumpkins, he did his own trick or treating and took a bag of chocolate (with the old you have been spooked now spook 3 of your neighbors thing)off of the neighbors porch, he dropped that in the kitchen for me.

Bulldogs are supposedly the 3rd dumbest dog?! I HATE to have to campaign for bull dogs after all these elections and such buuutttt....How many dogs ring a bell when they need or want to go outside? How about growling (specific tone) at 5 a.m. when he wants to be taken outside and then join us on the bed. If we don't shut the door tight Dozer will paw the door open and take Roxee out and back inside the house for us when she needs to go potty or if he just wants to romp with her. He is the most delightful smartest dumb dog you have ever seen. And talk about a bull dog that can JUMP, he learned that from the girls (2 Boston dogs Zion and Roxee).

When I find out that Dozer is in a cage, I jump in my car and immediately head to rescue him at the animal shelter. I am coming up to a stop light and thinking, "That looks like animal services right there!" Sure enough, I pull up behind and there in the back of the white truck in a cage are Dozer's frightened big brown eyes looking out the back at me! I start waving at him and talking in my dozer voice to not worry because "gramma is coming to get you".

Did any of you ever see any movies where the mentally ill were put in cages? I did. I was talking to Dr. D. a few weeks ago and we were discussing his internship where he would walk in and see at least 100 women laying on cots in a large room (I won't tell you the rest of the conversation). This was 25+ years ago and even though it was a room, when I think of it, it feels like a cage to me. What he did explain is the miracle of how anti-depressants have reduced the amount of people in these facilities remarkably.

How many of you have thought that anti-depressants are not necessary, over used, depression is all in someones head, these "people" just need to pull up their boot straps and get over it. If you have thought this way I challenge your thinking and just maybe you have not been touched by it personally?

I do not blog for the hell of it, I blog to challenge your thinking! I find myself judging all the time, first myself and then others. It's ridiculous and self destructive behavior for me and for human kind.

Twenty percent of the population has a mental illness, don't duck your head in the sand. And guess what? they are out walking the streets, working with you and functioning. Some of them are living on the streets because they did not get the help they needed and they are homeless, some are drug addicts and crack heads. While others are serving time in prison. Hey I am the last one who wants to yell VICTIM. Just ask yourself where you are at. That's it. All we can ever be is accountable for ourselves. If you need help get it. If someone else does give it. Just think about it.

Sunflowers & Sunshowers

Today is my sisters birthday. My mom's birthday is 4 days from now. There is 21 years between the three of us. I am the youngest in the family. My brother who was between my sister and me was killed 14 years ago, he was our only other sibling.

I am crazy about my family. They mean everything to me. We LOVE spending time together. Life seems to restrict that more these days since our children are grown and going in so many different directions. My sister and I practically raised our children together, she was single most of the time.

Every family has their issues. Ours is no different. But I can honestly say that since Dave died my sister and I have cherished each other and rarely said a cross word to one another. My mom and I have worked side by side in our business now for 20 years, she has been steady and consistent throughout. She is forever protecting us girls and serving us tirelessly. Sometimes so much so that she has sacrificed herself and other relationships.

One thing our family does not do is take for granted how far we have come. We talk things over. We talk things through one on one and in groups. We have come to know that when we do this we all come away with a better understanding and appreciation for one another and ourselves. At times this has been uncomfortable, but we learn to push through the discomfort and we always feel better afterwards. Unconditional love, acceptance, understanding and appreciating one anothers differences is what got us through tough times. We had to learn this over time. It did not come all at once necessarily or even naturally...I am sorry to say, or maybe not, those things worth working for always mean the most.

Taken from Like A Sunshower by Journey:
We find the sun through the rain
Caught in a sunshower
We'll be all right, no one's to blame
After the storm, we'll shine
So rare you and me disagree
Love's like a sunshower

What a Kaleidoscope IT IS!

Last week two ladies in my neighborhood dropped by my house to visit. After having spent an hour or so with them my heart was filled with compassion for Jan and Linda (not their real names). They shared the burdens and worries of their children, each have different challenges with mental illnesses.

Linda speaks with remarkable ease about her son who took his own life 5 years ago. He was diagnosed with schizo affective disorder. She is confident that her son is in a better place and she is grateful he no longer suffers as he did.

Linda's 24 year old daughter has had bulimia and now is picking at her face till she bleeds. Jan still searches for some type of answers and firm diagnosis for her 13 year old son. I see the fear in their eyes and the frustration for a system that seems to provide little help. They have so few avenues to turn to anymore.

When I hear of things like this I am sad. Mental illnesses can be a very complex issue. Certain chemicals or molecules in the brain--notably neurotransmitters--along with various enzymes or neurohormones--may be altered in their molecular structure and function. The brain, it's a beautiful, magnificent creation; as is a kaleidoscope. just twist a little and change the way you look at it and you get a little different outcome every time!

I don't consider myself a crusader for the mentally ill, but I am passionate about my feelings. There will be a movie coming out about a man who is bipolar. The movie is called ElectroBoy. While I look forward to its release, I am also nervous because often times the media sensationalizes mental illness.

Open the link if you are interested about info on Electroboy and a comment from yours truly...
Website link

Fighting the Black Dog

Winston Churchill was the one who described his depression as "The black dog." I'm not sure if these other famous people have or had ways to describe their highs and lows. I would be interested to know.

When I am looking for a metaphor to explain how I am feeling or what I am fighting I have used the expression, black dog, deep dark well or the abyss. Each to me are different.

The abyss: Cold, dark, miles away from anyone and anything; the place I care never to go again for I would rather die.

The deep dark well: Again, cold, dark, I scream, but no one can hear; I claw my way up the sheer sides and struggle to climb out on my own, and I do with a lot of fight and hostility inside.

The black dog: I see him coming around the corner but I always think I can outsmart him or I have made peace with him. Somehow quickly he sinks his teeth into me and smothers the life out of me for a time.

The black dog is with me. I hate him.

Basic Beige and A Bagel

The color beige is under rated. I also think vanilla ice cream is under rated. Where would we be without vanilla ice cream or the color beige? You need vanilla ice cream to put with apple pie. If you don't have beige to offset black you could never appreciate the contrast. The simple things can make other things so profound.

My husband and I go for a bagel every Friday morning. We have been doing this for a few years now. When the weather is warm we take Zion (our dog) with us. There is a delightful group of ladies there quite often that we enjoy laughing with. These ladies adore my husband, love my dog and I think they like me too. It makes it fun!

I guess the funny thing is I have learned when I wake up on Friday morning, pull on a basic beige t-shirt and go get a bagel...well it's the simple things in life that I look forward to.

Kel orders the same thing each time, the Tasty Turkey, chips and a coke (even if it is 8:00 a.m.). I mix it up a bit. This is my husband, consistent, I have been able to count on him to be by my side not if but when I mix life up a bit! We have been married nearly 24 years. We opened our own business together nearly 21 years ago. And life has been quite a roller coaster ride. I tried to steer the roller coaster until I realized, roller coasters were meant to ride and enjoy the ups and downs.

Kel and I talk a lot now. All the kids are gone and we are enjoying a different stage of life. We have both changed. What was important to us in our 20's has changed now that we are in our 40's. What changes? Perspective in life is BIG! So big that it's the simple things that now mean the most to me. So aside from my Friday morning bagel date here are some more simple things I Love in no particular order: My dogs at the door in the throes of excitement when I come home. A bubble bath. A good book. Singing loud. A phone call, email or text from one of my boys. A cookie. Being in the mountains. A conversation with a friend. A hug. A kiss. A tear. A smile.

Most of these simple things are tender and free, but the bagel will set ya back about $13 bucks!

It takes all Kinds of Flowers to make a Bouquet

YouTube - How I would describe Bipolar Disorder........

I found this video on YouTube. I thought it was quite unique and one way to understand how a bipolar mind works when it is unhealthy. Keep in mind that when proper medication is found some that suffer from this illness can find a healthy lifestyle.

Unfortunately it can be a very devastating disease for many. The statistics are 20% of the population have a mental illness, with 4% of those being bipolar.

My Magenta Mind...

I love the color magenta. It's bold, it's fun, it's bright, but too much, is just that, too MUCH! I am like that or at least my mind gets to be too much and it spins off its axis. Thursday night as I lay trying to sleep and my mind spun from one picture to the next, from one one-sided conversation with myself to the next, I knew I was in trouble...yet again. I HATE THIS!!! I have been here before, I will be here again, I have lived this cycle many, many times.

I got in on a cancellation with Dr. D. first thing Friday morning. He is complimentary of my ability to recognize the signs and patterns that I get into. We discuss management techniques. (We have discussed these before, but repetition never seems to hurt). I go home and spend all weekend sleeping or reading. I never cease to amaze myself that I can actually sleep 18-20 hours a day. The question still eludes me; is my mind so overworked that it needs this much sleep? Am I escaping my life and therefore just wanting to sleep? What am I feeling right now? Not much!

Actually if I really allow myself to feel I am angry; angry that no one understands this crap, angry that I live with it and I don't always understand it. I can't see it therefore it does not exist. But I feel it and the crash hurts.

My magenta mind has gone gray...

Oh My Bloomin' Boneset

Maybe you don't care about these fluffy white wildflowers; but they have been used medicinally throughout U.S. history. It was mostly used to assist the fusion of bones.

What is on my mind is how do you feel about our country? With all the political rhetoric, economic state of affairs, national safety issues and on and on ........Do we need a little boneset? Do you feel broken when you turn on the news, talk radio, or look at your investments (or dry bank account).

Wow, I am a citizen in the greatest country in the world. I have been self-employed since I was 21 years old (more than half my life now). I expect no accolades or special treatment. I do expect to be treated with respect. I feel no special entitlements are due me; just a fair chance as a small business owner. I expect the same things in my personal relationship's as well. I learned these things while attending the University of the School of Hard Knocks. I hear there is open enrollment. I have learned more there that I seem to just keep going back for one more 'medicinal' class.

What I have found after my life of schooling and self employment in the service industry is these 3 things: 1) You get respect when you give it. It is earned--over time. 2) Those who feel entitled to 'whatever it may be', never recognize who they are. They shift accountability and play the victim and martyr role (victim of course being the favorite). 3) I do see labeling and inequality going on in our world all the time. It saddens me. Whether it be because of our physical, mental, social, or spiritual likeness or lack thereof we judge!

We like people who are similar to the way we are. Now that is easy. The real challenge is accepting and loving someone who is NOT like us. That really would be the land of the free and the home of the brave...

A bloomin' boneset that fuses everyone together? Now there's a thought.

Composites Not Everyone Can See

Beaver Mountain - Utah's best kept winter secret

The largest of all flowering plant families is the Composite Family. The daisy type flowers are part of that family. Daisies are my favorite wildflowers.

If you have ever stood in a field of wildflowers or been in a crowd of people you may look to see if you can recognize that SPECIAL one, one that really stands out. Sometimes we have a language that is so powerful and bonding with someone you can just be in their presence and you understand them and they understand you. How beautiful! Likewise, sometimes amongst a crowd their are loved ones looking over. We know this and yet we want to really KNOW this!

How often we seek for signs in this life. Does he/she love me? Am I good enough? How can I survive? The signs are all around us.

We keep our heads down a lot in this life, sometimes we keep each other down. All the negativity...it's catchy. But if you Look up you might be able to see the trees in the forest. You can find angels in trees!!!

Life is better when you have an angel on your side...

Plum Tired

Are people what they really seem to be or not? I suppose for the most part I trust that people are good. But by nature we protect and cater to our own needs, wants and desires before others. Ahh, you immediately get defensive? Try to play the martyr? Don't play me for the fool! I am just as human as the rest of you!

Do I set myself up to be hurt? Is it because I love deeply that I feel this pain? This week was a hard week. I felt like I got kicked in the stomach by people I trusted. For all intents and purposes there was no reason for me to take these circumstances personal. It was not about me! People need to do what is best for them and I respect that. Sometimes the systems by which we operate are set up to be hurtful.

One thing I know I have grown to be is someone who looks at all sides, or at least I try to. It is not a perfect world. But I try to look at things from the other persons vantage point. Once I can do this, understanding and compassion usually sets in and my heart softens.

I still get tired, in fact plum tired. My mind races, I work sometimes around the clock. My life is full. Sure I get disappointed, but I then try to see the other side of things and find some rose colored glasses and go on...

How DO you get rid of Crabgrass???

I was raised in the country. It seems many people had problems with crabgrass. Was there an answer? Not really, you tried to kill it off and start over. It is the dreaded plague ewe....

When I first read An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison I was convinced I was not manic depressive. Maybe more so I was scared speechless that I never could conceive I could have such a devastating illness such as THAT! I went to my first psychiatrist and convinced her of all the reasons that I could not possibly be bi-polar. She concurred. Nearly 3 years later, a nine month period in bed, a couple of high producing manic episodes and a statement in my counselors office that came out of my mouth such as, "I have been kicking butt and taking names and I just crashed", was the final realization, 'Lor, you have a problem!'

I picked up the book again after that and reread it. It was not so scary this time. My life had been scary those past few years. My mind had been quite violent. You get that way when your chemicals are out of balance. What I have come to realize and fully embrace is that it is not my fault. I am not embarrassed about it and I am not one bit ashamed to talk about it. I pity those who are and I am saddened by those who stick their heads in the sand and pretend that it does not exist. It exists all around them! Most families are just to prideful to admit it.

I take full accountability for myself and my actions. Particularly the part of taking my medication, seeing my doctors, and keeping myself knowledgeable about the illness and other mental illnesses as well. We fear what we do not know. I now understand how my brain works and there are chemicals that don't stay balanced without the help of the med's. I realize it is no different than a pancreas that does not make enough insulin to regulate blood sugar. However our brains are complicated and we need to do much more research to understand them more fully. Unfortunately those with mental illnesses stay quiet and suffer alone because of the stigma or the possible repercussions in the work place, not to mention the entire can of worms it opens with insurance.

My son Chase read Unquiet Mind just last week. This is a small portion of the letter he wrote to me following his reading the book...

...I see the similarity of the obvious things such as no sleep and accomplishing super human things when you are manic and then when you are depressed you feel hopeless and sad and wish you were dead. But interestingly I found that each of you, even though at times you wish you were dead, you never regretted being born. You made the separation. I also found it interesting that she knew life was something good and that there were things to be happy about and that the world wasn't all bad. I feel that you feel the same way. The last thing i noticed is that when both you and she are manic you get so many things going that when you drop and lose all energy and strength you are left with so much to do that you've started but can't get it finished so it places stress on you...I want to tell you how much more I've come to love you and appreciate you after reading these books. I love you and you are my hero. I can't say more about who my Mom is and that I'm Her son. Mom I love you and you are special. I thank you for your love towards me and the mother you've been. I couldn't imagine having somebody different for my mother.

My three sons have been amazingly loving and respectful towards me. My husband has been long suffering and patient. They have all suffered along with me. We now enjoy a quite normal life because we do understand this illness.

How do you get rid of this illness? You don't! You manage it! It can be managed just fine in many cases and you can enjoy the green grass...or you can pretend there is nothing wrong,blame it on everybody else, swing from high to low, make your family miserable and just be an all out crab. You choose.