2009 Finale-Part II

Flower & a Movie. Oh I know it's supposed to be dinner and a movie but I'm not picking food to finalize my year!

The movie: Dr. Zhivago.
Every year during the holidays I watch this classic. I love the history, the scenery, and the message of the most awful gut wrenching acceptance of the dreadful things that life and war deals to people. War not only effects people during the present but goes on for generations.

There are so many different types of wars we battle.

I noticed that Lara's character always had flowers wherever she was. First in the battle zone where they treated hundreds that were wounded, then in her very modest apartment.

Which brings me to--


The Flower: A Sunflower.

My final pick for this year is the Sunflower, for its message of Hope and Sunshine as a New Year begins.



Here's to 2010...may the Wildflowers grow all around you, and in your heart.

With love, L~

2009 Finale-Part I

Last year to culminate the year I picked a color, a wildflower and a weed in honor or my blog title, Shades of Grey or a Kaleidoscope, wherein I always had a color, wildflower or weed in the title.

This year I simplified.

I do have some fav's to complete this year...they have special meaning and story lines to conclude 2009.

The book: Radical Acceptance. This is not a novel. This is a book to read sections of, ponder, and let it be. You have to be at a certain place in your life for this book; you must be ready for this one. I purchased it long ago, picked it up, started to read it and thought, "what a stupid book". Just a couple of months ago I picked it up, started reading it and well, it "spoke to me". Enough said.

The song: The STORY So Far by Flogging Molly

You always had what you wanted
So leave it behind
And if the glass isn't broken
Then the futures not blind
All that you know means nothing to you
But its the loss of control shatters the truth

That's the story so far
It's already here
We've made it this far
Sure we battled the spears
But life cuts to pieces
To the wounds from the secrets
Makes it all who you are

Love craves self destruction
It's a blizzard in hand
Lay your cards on the table
But you're not in command
So burn with the fire
You so eagerly lit
Watch the flames flicker higher
Said I don't care about me

Here's the story so far
It's already here
We've made it this far
Sure we battled the spears
But life cuts to pieces
To the wounds from the secrets
Makes it all who you are

Oh it's bitter the pill
That you swallow to feel
I don't care what I lost
I just thank god I'm alive

Makes it all who you are

That's the story so far

to be continued...

My story Vs. Your story

So we all have a story to tell.


What if we were both at the same event, but when asked about the event, you saw things very differently than I saw things. That does not make either of us right or wrong, bad or good. People just interpret, or receive things differently. I suppose this is why we need a court of law and several witnesses to get to "the truth."

Relationships can be similar in a way. We have our story in our minds as to how the relationship “is” or “should be." Whether it is a friendship, love relationship, parent-child, work associate, we have created this image, but it is OUR image, not theirs.

Interesting concept isn't it!?

I was asked the I-beam question 26 years ago while in college...I've never forgotten it.

"If you had to risk your life to cross an I-beam 1,000 feet in the air, what would be worth crossing for?"

It certainly was not worth the risk for money or things, but for people I loved that were in trouble there wasn't a second thought.

So relationships are worth risking for...but how often do we get the other persons side? How often do we even know if they are in trouble?

If we want to have better relationships maybe we need to know both sides of the story....

Or maybe we put all the stories aside and listen to our hearts and get to know theirs.




THIS HERE --------------->
Looks like a hack job to me.

HIS Parables

Few argue of His ability to teach. But He did not spell things out. He taught in Parables. He made you think and ponder, something that seems to be more difficult to do these days.

Why is that?

We occupy our minds with so many things...we put our value on things we own or do. We like to think it is always the other guy who does this?

Why is that?...We are imperfect, and working on it...

We celebrate His birthday today. I am grateful.

A Sneaker Allegory

My son is a "Sneaker Head". We are celebrating 22 years today with this "Sneaker Head", miracle son of ours. I say miracle because at 8 months old I left him in the bathtub, with the water running. I took a business phone call and 12-15 minutes later I frantically hung up and ran to the bathtub where I discovered him unconscious floating face down in the tub. I revived him by giving him CPR with help from a 911 dispatcher and today he walks perfectly and happily so long as he has a pair of authentic Jordan collector sneakers on his feet. His mind works perfectly as well, he can talk brilliantly about any subject that interests him...particularly sneakers.

Chase is the type of person that likes what he likes. That seems like a 'cliche', that everyone is like that. I beg to differ. I'm not so sure. This is NOT to say that Chase is black and white or judgmental in any way. On the contrary. He is one of the most loving, tender-hearted people I know. But his feet are firmly planted on certain things that are favorites of his.

I like where Chase is headed in life. He has learned from some very difficult roads.

We ALL make choices for good and ill. I believe that we can learn from everything that we go through if we look for the 'life lessons'. Chase has shown that in his young life he has an awareness far beyond his years.

Choice is a divine teacher, for when we choose we learn that nothing is ever put in our path without a reason. Iylana Vanzant

Sometimes we have to get up and go...and other times we don't. Sometimes we stay down awhile and figure out what there is to learn while we are on the pavement, the stony path, amongst the thorns and thistles. There is usually more to learn while we're down--than there is while we are skipping merrily along our way. But, eventually we all MUST get up again, and put one foot in front of the other.

A knowledge of the path cannot be substituted for putting one foot in front of the other. M. C. Richards

I'm sure Chase has had times where he felt alone in his "wilderness". Most of us have walked through some pretty dark and ugly wilderness and we all felt very alone. I believe Chase knows that I was always very close, even though maybe he could not see me. The truth is we are never really alone. When we go through our own dark wilderness there is sure to be a promised land on the other side.

The Promised Land always lies on the other side of the wilderness.
Havelock Ellis

I love this child just like I love all my children. We ALL learn through our bumps...and we are always the better for it. Some people choose to pretend they never have any bumps in life (ego maniacs), some don't for a time (luck eventually always runs out). Some people choose to deny they ever have any bumps on their road (the head in the sander's). Some may think they can go around their bumps (the avoider's). I don't recommend any of these. I've been and done them all. They're painful. There is one REAL road on this journey called life, THROUGH IT. You are the better for it when you just GRIN and LEARN, and CRY a little along the way. It's the higher ground.

Bless not only the road but the bumps on the road. They are all part of the higher journey. Julia Cameron

Happy birthday my son and I am looking forward to our new journey together at the "U".

I was wondering...could you buy ME a new pair of really cool sneakers for your birthday so you'll be proud to be seen with me? Just wondering?

tHe dYsFunCtioNaL FaMilY CHriStMaS stOrY

Last night we had our annual Christmas party at my mom's house. My mom's adorable small little house is always decked out as only she can do with her festive decorations. We grownups anticipate her cooking like the little kids anticipate Santa.

Growing up, Christmas was a big thing. Tons of presents under the tree and we would get up during the night to open them because dad would often have to milk the cows at 5:00 a.m. and we did not want to wait until he got finished. When my kids were little it was a bit more reasonable, the hour landed between 6:00-8:00 a.m.. It would have been later, but I couldn't stand it any longer! I always had to get the kids up! Unbelievable how these 3 little boys could sleep when they knew Santa had come!!

Christmas changes when the kids have all grown, and there are no grandchildren. Yes, I have the dogs, but somehow they just haven't gotten the whole idea quite yet, other than Dozer stealing one particular stuffed animal reindeer off of the tree that he insists is his!










So to prove craziness runs in my family here is one of the highlights of Christmas for our dYsFunCtioNal FaMilY. The Christmas Story, knocked off from "Twas the Night Before Christmas" and it is authored by my sister, Sherry and her satirical son Ryan. Believe me Ryan has no mercy and holds no bounds! Sherry keeps the reigns on him...and they fight a bit, and we laugh, laugh A LOT, while the writing is going on!!



The story this year was six pages. There is a lot of roasting in the family to dish out, it is all in fun. Sherry and Ryan spend HOURS, and this is their gift to the family. Wow, HOURS of love and laughter about our families silly quirks. If you didn't love someone, you wouldn't spend time caring what they did!

Sometimes it may seem judgmental, believe me, if there is any judgment it is out of complete love. We know things about each other, sometimes more than other families, maybe that's good, maybe that's bad, whatever it is, it just is. Every family has certain dynamics. I love each and every person in my family for who they are, their strengths and weakness. My idiosyncrasies get aired plenty and I know everyone loves me through all of them. Have they judged me? Sure. But in the end, they love me in spite of me. If they don't I have realized that's on them not me.

We have learned to laugh at ourselves through all our foibles, mistakes, illnesses, and tragedies. There are some sacred cows and we try to be sensitive to those. Yes we have hit some sensitive nerves before. I say "we" and I have not ever written anything, however I had been consulted on some things to say yay or nay to whether they go in or out. I'm usually pretty liberal because, believe me I've taken it in the shorts, between the eyes and everywhere else too!

In the end the story goes that we love and we love hard. Yes we ARE the definition of a dYsFunCtioNal FaMilY, but tell me who is NOt? I find that those who are most judgmental towards others are towards themselves as well. This takes acute awareness, a GOOD STRONG LOOK IN THE MIRROR, for all we can ever change is ourselves.

I say look at yourself first and always, not other families and not people in your own family! What do you own? How do you function in your family? Do you contribute? How do you contribute? Are you a peacemaker? Do you take time, spend time? Do you love unconditionally? Are you fault finding? What can you do better towards your family? Because in THE END all there really is, is FAMILY...to be continued...

It's a Brain Theme

Something happened to me the other day that well, frankly sent me into a bit of a meltdown. My dad said this sort of thing happened to him and he does not have any type of mental illness. What he has had is a lifetime of stress, financial pressure and responsibility for many people. I have felt his pain. I laugh at him because he can roll around numbers and interest in his head easier than putting those electric suction things on the cow’s teats (my dad was a dairy farmer).

So here is what happened...my brain, it feels like it short circuited. It just goes kaput, into the fog, on overload. I value my intelligence. I like to think. And actually I think too much. This may be why it does this, this short circuit business.

It happens when I am doing numbers. Spread sheets to be exact. I am NOT a numbers person; math and I don't get along. I get business accounting sheerly on account of I HAD to! And when you see red you work hard. I am a hard worker.

So apparently doctors can be wrong. A few years ago I was told that with each manic episode I had I would lose brain cells, and that this disease may induce early Alzheimer’s. Therefore strict adherence to my med's, as well as self management was imperative. It really scared me…Then I just got used to the idea if I totally lost my mind, well, I guess I wouldn't really know! ;)

Anyway back to the point, thank goodness for continuing research! They have found that anti-depressants rebuild brain cells. Go figure!? Yep, anti-depressants cause brain cells to grow in the hippocampus. So what’s the hippocampus? It’s where learning and memory take place in the brain. The scientific name for cell regrowth is called "neurogenesis."

Don't get me wrong, the crowd I belong to are no dummies:



Which is an entirely different subject, but all the same this blog (inclusive of a comment by yours truly) IS very cool...Is Bipolar Cool?

And don’t take my word for it! What do I know! It’s Drs. Manji and Duman's research. It is fascinating and great news.

Our brains…a wonderful theme, I mean thing!

The Soundtrack

Oh,one more thing, and then I will shut up about Grey's Anatomy. The Soundtrack. Every good story, movie, maybe even in life we need a Soundtrack. Do you have one? I don't. But maybe someday I will. I think it sounds like a great idea!


I'm not really sure about this but I believe this is the theme song, if not, it sure goes well with my theme this month! Check it out--The Story by Brandi Carlile...


Exquisite.

A Grey Tale

My son once said, "The DVR is the greatest invention of the 21st century." I am beginning to agree! ;)

For sheer enjoyment I record 3 hours of Grey's Anatomy every weekday and then watch it when I can. For several years (when Grey's was in the height of its glory) I did not watch TV at all. For now, aside from anything with the last name "ball" or anything having to do with "man stuff", Grey's is pretty much the only--girl drAaaama on our boob tube. I’m out numbered 4-1 by men.

My husband joins me quite often to watch an episode or two of Grey's Anatomy. His niece works in a hospital and he asked her the other day how close “Grey's” is to the real thing? She actually said, “real close”! I know this girl and she is NOT a drama queen. Huh? Which part is close? The emergencies, the heroic saving measures, the death, the sex, the inter-personal relationships?...It leads one to wonder?

Ok, so here is what I really like about the show...the beginning and most of all the ending NARRATION that promotes an overall message for you to think about. If you're a Grey's watcher and you miss it, you are missing out on a lot!

Example: Meredith Grey speaking,--from the episode, Scars and Souvenirs 2007.

"What's worse? a new wound which is so horribly painful or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did? Maybe all wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we'd like to think. But that’s not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over, again.”

Profound, I’d say.


I love novels that have quotes or passages or diary inserts at the beginning or ending of chapters. I love those little quips that have a deeper meaning or a personal expression in them that make you think… just a little bit, ooorrrr maybe a lot.


In my world everything is not so black and white, there is a lot of grey matter; at least according to the tales I've seen, and heard.

A Chapter in a Story

Stories, I live stories. A biography or auto biography... Love 'em!

And how about the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves? We act out our stories all the time, and don't even know it. This is wherein lies the problem, or so those who are working towards "awareness" or "enlightenment" would say. I would have to concur.

I have stories. I have stories about many things. These stories justify me, explain me, excite me, sadden me, but are they me? I ask myself?

Carl Jung said, "He who looks outside dreams, he who looks inside awakens."

My stories are my own, and I have a few. Some of them have been real self destructive dramas. Some I've told to myself too many times and I almost believed them, and they just weren't true, oh yes, it's easy to lie to yourself.

I've had fairy tales, and comedies, and a few horror stories played back and forth, but are they real?

Yes and no. Our thoughts are us. But only so much as we allow them to be. And only so much as we are aware of them. Being present in this moment as to who we are is a challenge for most of us every single day.

I am trying to figure out what chapter of my story I am living in and whose lives I am affecting for the good! I believe I am just beginning or awakening in Chapter 4 of my story? I expect it to be good.

Our Journey

It has been a journey, after 25 years together, it has definitely been a journey.

My husband, Kelly turns 48 today. We don't always celebrate these "HAPPY BIRTHDAY'S" anymore, for they seem to have sped up and now we say, like most people our age, "Where has all the time gone?"


If you do not watch/listen to the YouTube video, allow me just a few lyrics:


..."Faded wedding photographs"...My favorite, that's T.J. at 4 years old in the middle of us.



..."Our children all have grown"... Each their own person, on their way to a life. Their life was molded out of ours, but they each have chosen their own individual ways and we like that. We have allowed them individuality and an opportunity to express themselves. We hope without too much pressure to be anything more or less than who and what they are, and want to become.



..."Mountains we have climbed to get this far"......This one was memorable. A short hike, a picnic, some nice music, a long talk, and of course Zion, along for the journey.

..."We learned to take the laughter with the tears"...Enough said.

..."You stood by me, days and nights that I was gone"...I'm not talking about when I was out of town, it was all the times that my mind was not present. Again enough said.

..."You sacrificed, believed in me, and you stood strong...

..."Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear...

...After all these years...

Happy birthday honey and I will love you forever,
your Wildflower

Lyrics that I Love...

This little rascal is Lyric David Nelson. He is my nephew, and he is a pistol, just like his Grandpa was! He never knew his Grandpa, he died long before he was born. His mother Amanda is just like Lyric, another pistol, she fires off whatever is on her mind, when ever, where ever. They were inspired to name this feisty little guy Lyric because his father is in the music business and loves music like the rest of our family.

I love music...music I find is a great way to relate, with others, and with myself. I listen to music all the time, some songs over and over because I like them so much. I am also always in search of new tunes. Tunes that will uplift me or help me to express myself, with whatever type of mood I happen to be in.

I listen very closely to lyrics, if I can't make them out, I google them. I want to know the words of the songs I am listening to, for a couple of reasons, 1) so I really understand the song, and 2) so I can sing, and sing LOUD, when necessary til my little heart is content!:D

I think I feel a deeper connection to life because of music. It can move me to tears, make my heart feel like it is pounding out of my chest, make me feel more romantic, and even make me feel like running, the problem is...I haven't done that in years! I listen to the beat, the tempo, the instruments and I have playlists on my computer, iPhone and iPod all categorized under headings such as: Chicks TCS (that can sing), Easy Old School, Butt Rock, OHW (one hit wonder) Fav's, Sleep thru Snoring, you get the idea...

Music is like poetry, the words, sure, but the instruments all working together to create a sound that either it works, or it doesn't. And then in what setting does it work? How do you feel? What mood are you in? What are you doing?

So one of my favorite artists was Michael Jackson, the guy had talent beyond anything of this world. I wonder...has my brother been to a concert yet? Has he met Michael Jackson, the King of Pop? Many songs remind me of my brother, rather albums, entire albums.

Some pic's of Dave with Michael Jackson Lyrics...


I Said You Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
You Got To Be Startin' Somethin'


Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night


We pray for our fathers, pray for our mothers
Wishing our families well



Whatever happens, don't let go of my hand


Just Beat It,
No One Wants To Be Defeated


Though you're far away, I am here to stay
But you are not alone, for I am here with you
Though we're far apart, you're always in my heart
But you are not alone...

Stop Look and Listen, NOW!

I have had the good fortune of slowing down...actually quieting down, these past few months. I do believe this is a first in my life! This is the kind where you are able to Stop, Look, and Listen. By nature I am busy-minded.

I am loving and learning a lot from the Eastern practices of the world--meditation, awareness, the now, you know, weird things like that. I have not made my "pilgrimage" to an ashram...(yet):).

I respect all races, and religions for their goodness and differences. I dislike dogma, self righteousness and judgment inflicted on others that puts one above, or otherwise exercises control. To me these things seem to get us into trouble...for the most part.

As I had mentioned in my previous post that life seems to come full circle when we look for it. There is so much meaning in the small things in life. And yet when we rush through, how much do we miss? I am sorry to say, I missed so much. I missed little things, fixing breakfast for my kids, appreciating the Fall leaves, really listening to a friend.

Oh, I forgive myself, I am trying to live NOW! I'm grateful I have recognized these things...NOW!

Circles Never End

I think Life Comes Full Circle! If you don't think so, maybe two things are happening: 1) You haven't lived long enough, or, 2) You're not looking?

Do they mean anything? They do to me! The meaning of things become much clearer to me when I see certain things come to pass. Tragedies, relationships, love, life lessons, triumphs. There is an interconnectedness in all things if you look for it.

My experiences are mine and mine alone, and not worth sharing for they would really be meaningless to you. However I have found a deepening of appreciation for my life, my experiences and especially my relationships, because that is what makes my life enjoyable as I have contemplated these circles.

Some of my circles are complete...some are incomplete, but the good thing is circles never end...

My Practical Mother is Shirley 67!

"There's been an explosion!" "Hurry come quick!" We all scamper to the shrieking sounds of my mother's voice and the string of Bangs going on downstairs!! No matter, mom is up to another one of her shenanigan's, this time she lit fireworks...just BEcause.?

This happened often growing up with mom. Fake poop, throw up, mice. Cigarette loads, the kind that went off in the guys face when they lit up at work. A string of compounded four letter words and ending with "Shirley!" would ensue. She had a reputation. My mom loved to play practical jokes...it runs in the family. And we loved it! Many stories to tell...

Oh and speaking of story telling, she can hang with the best of 'em. When she tells a story she is so animated and giggly that you don't know what is more funny, her or the story!

My mom turns 67 today. She works nearly full time hours at our Salon & Day Spa. She has been faithfully dedicated by our side since one year after we opened. Twenty one years of working with your daughter and son-in-law--now that's dedication, or brain damage?!


Mom was also a young mother. I was her third, and last, at the tender age of 21. By that time she had proficiently learned how to cook, clean, can, sew, garden, and work in the fields during harvest season on the farm. This picture was taken last year on Thanksgiving Eve as she is trying to teach some of us the finer art of all her "KNOCK OUT COOKING". This woman can STILL work most 20 and 30 year old's under the table.


But as I look back at my mom's life and all she has been through what I love most about her is her resilience. My parents divorced after 37 years of marriage. Shortly thereafter her son was killed and her father also died. She sustained many losses and handled it with quiet grace. Never does she talk about herself unless asked, and even then she is more interested in you than in going on about herself. She will serve until she is exhausted.

The practical jokes have left our family for quite some time now...they are slowly coming back, time does heal and we are grateful.

Mom is the life blood of our family. She is principle oriented and is never afraid to stick up for what she believes is right. She is loved and respected for that, even when it was not popular under many circumstances. She does not like pomp and circumstance...and particularly if it is about her. Luckily my practical mother has practically NO SAY in what I blog about!

We can all learn a few things from this "generation". This breed who felt no entitlements, worked hard for every penny they earned, believes in going the extra mile when they do a job, and if a "job's worth doing, it is worth doing well. Both my parents taught me to work hard and now my children and I are the beneficiaries of such a wonderful example.

Happy birthday Mom and wishing you many many more. I love you, I love you, Shirley most surely I DO!!!

My Sister's FIFTY TWO--WOOT WOO?

There are times that I watch my sister or listen to her and I think, "IS THAT ME?!"

I smile because she IS my sister, I laugh because there is NOTHING I can do about it!!!


Today is Sherry's birthday, would you believe she is 52? I get tired of people thinking I am older than she is. I act older too. Not that that is any type of consolation. Sherry knows how to have fun and I LOVE being with her...we can laugh at the most STUPID things, which is usually ourselves. Better to laugh than cry. We do plenty of both!

If you really KNOW Sherry you LOVE her. She has a heart of gold. She will cheer for and try to protect the underdog, which is something we were taught by our parents. Sherry and I lost our only other sibling, our brother Dave 16 years ago. Since that time we have clung to each other in a way that is only understandable if you have gone through a similar experience. Trauma seemed to be our second cousin for quite some time, where you are always looking over your shoulder to see what terrible thing is going to happen next. It's an awful feeling, we still carry a bit of it around with us to this day.

It's a funny thing because when people look at Sherry they judge her...OH YES THEY DO! and it is so easy to justify yourself when you judge someone who looks like they have it all! Beautiful, Blond, Buxom, therefore she must be stupid, selfish and shallow. The story goes that within 30 seconds we will have made a judgment as to whether a person is rich or poor, married, divorced or single, how much education they have had, and what they may do for a living. Again, all within 30 seconds?!

We lived in a small community. We were not the family with the "right" last name, nor did our behaviors always score points with those who did have the "right" last name. Sherry and I both got married and had babies as teenagers. Dave hosted keg parties while my parents were out of town (some of those parents children with the "right" last names were at those parties :D). Were we judged, talked about? You better believe it! Did it hurt? Let me tell you the part that hurt the most...being the little sister and hearing adults talk badly about your siblings! Did they think that this was going to make me feel better? Shame on them!

When I think of the bond that we share with our siblings I cannot help thinking about a darling batch of puppies in the beginning stages of life--crawling all over one another, playing with abandon, hanging on their very mothers nipple for sustenance, and then so easily contented to sleep in any position wrapped around one another, upside down, draped over one another with no inhibition or expectation, just unabashed love. Why does this ever have to end?


Well we do grow up...we must get off the boob and go out into this big bad world. People will judge, but to know people is to love people. As a family we are better for our challenges and trials. No one will EVER know the struggles my BEAUTIFUL SISTER has been through, nor do they need to. If the truth be known we all have struggles and ONLY LOVE will heal...only love.

Happy Birthday Sis, I love YOU!!!

The Color Code Conversation

Our family has been long time fans of "Color Coding." If you've never heard of this, it is basically a tool to learn a little more about yourself, your relationships, and your life. Pretty basic stuff. HA! You'd think!

Some people call it personality profiling. That sounds a bit negative, but it is really quite fun, interesting and insightful.

There are many types of books and tests available that you can take to see what "color" you are. The whole idea is to get to know your strengths, and of course your weaknesses. My boys have had some fun with this over the years and we have done an over abundance of labeling with our little "RED" category. These are the personalities that are motivated by POWER. Their motto is: lead, follow or get out of the way, just make sure I'm leading. We have a lot of Red's in our immediate and extended family. Enough said. :) and sometimes :(

Needless to say, one "Color" is certainly not better than another. Are we all not striving to maximize our strengths and minimize our weaknesses? Is it not of value to take inventory at times and look at ourselves in the mirror, or in this respect, shall I say in a book, and learn a bit about our propensity to act in a certain manner? How gaining insights about the ease or the complexity of the relationships in our lives? and how to improve them!!

The Color Code by, Taylor Hartman Ph.D. is a simple read. This book has 45 multiple choice questions and wala! you have your primary and secondary COLOR! It makes for great conversation, banter (if you like that kind of thing), debate, and a little mirror staring you back in the face. Keep in mind you MUST be completely honest and forthright about yourself and your natural innate tendencies when you take the test!

Spring to Summer to Fall, but Where?

Last Fall I took a LOA (leave of absence) from my business, Phazes Salon & Day Spa of which I had been giving heart and soul to for 21 years. This past August marked our 22nd year in business. We opened in Ogden, Utah in 1987. Our second location opened in Kaysville, Utah in May 1995 and we finally were able to retire from paying rent to a landlord when we built this magnificent building and moved in 3 years ago. Designing, planning, and decorating the building all while still keeping up with normal business was a labor of love, albeit exhausting!

The first 6 months of my LOA was caught up in another business with my sister, therefore no R&R was to be had. Sherry has continued on with the business and is a fine entrepreneur in her own right. I got plenty of rest this Summer and now Fall is here and I wonder...what do I want to be when I grow up???

I am 46, no Spring Chicken anymore. Some days are good, Summer NOT! Do "they" consider 40's to be the Autumn of your life? or am I just getting started?!

Well, I must Find Another Place to Fall. I love being an entrepreneur, frankly I'm not sure I could work for anyone, but I would be a great employee. Maybe that doesn't make any sense...but it does to me! I could stay home and live the leisurely life...that doesn't make sense to me!!!

I have many interests and one in particular in mind, but time will tell. One thing I have learned is to try to let things BE for awhile and see what comes of it. Experience tells me that God has done more with my life than I have ever done for myself. I have not always been so good at patience and trust...I am learning.

Yes I could go back and plunge into Phazes, but what would really be the point? It is operating without me. I'm on the board! HA! What more could I want? It has been said, "What are you willing to let go of, to get what you want?"

Letting go of Phazes was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and yet it was really just a job. My identity, my passions, my creativity, so many things were all wrapped up in it, but that was just IT, I was all wrapped up in it!

My passion has, is and always will be helping people. If there is any Falling to be done, I hope it is others into MY arms, and that my arms are strong, loving and compassionate enough to hold them.

For everything there is a Season and a Time...

Blue is for Boys Pink is for Girls?

One of my favorite blogger's, John McManamy posted a blog entitled advice to a new grandson part II on September 27. You may click into the link and read the entire entry, he's a scream.

I made a comment and this was our dialogue, which I thought was rather poignant and humorous.

Dear John,

I concur with #2 & #8! However I do not agree with #7, just ask God. Good IS good enough! We need to get that!

Lori~

September 28, 2009 7:20 PM
John McManamy said...

Hey, Lucy. Here's the test: When they're inspecting the engines on a plane you will be boarding, do you want the inspectors to sign off with "good enough"?

Here's the way I see it: We give "our best." Our best may not be THE best. In fact, "our best" may suck. But we only settle for "good enough" when making our beds. :)
September 28, 2009 9:37 PM
Lori said...

Ahhh John and so it is! I like your take on it...and it's LORI, but Lucy's, good enough. :)
September 29, 2009 8:54 PM
John McManamy said...

Hey, Lori. Oops! A classic case of my good enough not good enough. :)
September 29, 2009 10:16 PM

I look at it this way, when T.J. my son was detoxing from a 7 year drug addiction I realized that no matter what he did, I loved him more than life itself, and I accepted anything and everything about him! I did not accept his behavior, but I accepted him and what ever he was willing to give and do on behalf of himself WAS good enough, God would do the rest. He is 4 years clean this December!

And another thought-- do we hold different expectations for boys than girls? And vice versa? If so...should we??

Death-A Life Changing Landscape

Today my brother would have turned 50.






He has been gone now for 16 years. He died in a tragic car accident of which we still seem to have many questions that linger in our minds. We miss him, yet laughter has replaced many of the tears, for HE was bigger than life.
His personality and our memories with him are talked about with fun and regularity as we continually try to fill the hole that is always present.

The landscape of our lives changed forever, it looked and felt barren for a long time. It is now filling in with grass, trees, wildflowers (the grandchildren), and ever still some weeds, for this is life.

Dave was special. He was loud yet tender. He was competitive, yet appreciated it when he knew someone got the best of him. He could care less what you thought about him, but he cared very much about everyONE. He worked hard, so he could play harder. He loved his family, and he idolized his children. He was 6’4” and averaged 230 pounds and loved wearing matching Mickey Mouse t-shirts with his wife and kids! (so funny)

None of us got the chance to say goodbye. Dave was ripped out of our lives one day. Our family was already in crisis. This compounded it. Dave was my only brother. I have one older sister. Speaking for my sister and me, losing Dave was like losing a piece of ourselves, a reflection of ourselves. Relationships with siblings’ help one another know who they are and how they fit into the fabric of life. To lose my brother was losing someone with whom I could share the experiences of growing old with. I am missing that.

For those going through the death of a close loved one for the first time it is a real wild fire. How long it burns no one knows. Grief is such an individual process. To quantify or compare grief is not only insensitive it is ridiculous.

What I have learned is that we don’t ‘get over’ the deepest pains of life, nor should we. We go through them and they refine, deepen and humble us as spiritual beings. We recognize our own immortality and hopefully become more loving and charitable towards ourselves and others. We learn to have hope and enjoy the small, simple moments…the ones that happen in between the big vast landscape of life.

Dedicated to my brother Dave for all the simple moments that he taught me how to laugh and live life to the fullest…I have been a slow learner.

Tan Beyond His Years

I have 3 boys. Each unique. Each beautiful. I have a different and special relationship with each one. Yesterday I received a text from Tandin (I call him Tan). It read, "I just sent you an email. It might help you understand what I'm all about."
If you are the mother of a 19 year old boy who is going to college...does this intrigue you, excite you??? Just a bit!!! I open my email...I sit down for this one. As I look upon my email I am gazing at a beautifully designed tree type chart entitled--

"My Religion: This is Why I Do What I Do"

There is an explanation included. I quote some of what he sent:

"If we can learn to be selfless, happiness is easily attainable. Love conquers all. It is the journey that counts, not the destination. We don't remember dates, we remember moments." Tan lives this mantra, always has. He continues by saying,"Emotional feelings and relationships are most important. Tangible objects are of little value."

"Ignorance in not bliss. Knowledge is power."

And finally..."Treat other how you would like to be treated."

Tan is in his second year of engineering at the University of Utah, he is beyond his years, always has been.

After reading this all I could think was...Tandin is an amazing and special person and I am blessed to be his mother!! I have always known this and I weep with JOY...

Fall is my Nature

I for one am glad this summer is over! It has been a ROCKY one and there was not a single hike included with those rocks.

One positive note, my skin is thanking me for it actually saw very little of the sun. I suppose I was what you could almost call, a shut-in. Oh that sounds awful and it was for the most part. How much of it was situational and how much was chemical? Hard to say, but I've had experience with both and there was a lot going on for me on both ends.

Here are some things I learned:

1. You can't hurry through pain, you can't bury it and you can't go around it.
2. It takes an immense amount of self discipline to let things be.
3. Letting go is hard.
4. Forgiving is hard.
5. You can think too much, say too much, write too much, but rarely can you listen too much.

When I Fall...I Fall hard. It is not my nature to do things half way.

But I always get up...

Moderation in All Colors

Today I turn 46. It is a good day. I wouldn't want to go back to 16, I was pregnant. At 26 I was pregnant again and going full tilt running a business and being a wife and mother. At 36 I was using opiates to deal with my physical back pain and obviously to numb my emotional pain as well.

Bless those years of struggle and trials...they made me who I am. Today I am well. I am neither high nor low. I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically in the middle.

I like the idea of moderation in all things. Years ago at the age of 24, I was pregnant with my second boy, my girlfriends and I gathered in Washington for a 'Big Chill' weekend. Some of the husbands had come along and amongst unusual activities the profound events from that trip was a long talk that lasted until way into the night. First the reminiscing of old high school times, then the hopes and dreams of our futures, and then the philosophizing. It all came down to after hours of hashing things back and forth was this one statement: moderation in all things.We had it all figured out at 24! HA!!

I loved this statement. I reflected on it many times. I have been blessed with the best of friends. Friends that have stood by me through dark times, times where I was rather ridiculous and stupid, times when I was loud and obnoxious, times when I did not return phone calls for months, and for some reason they loved me in spite of me.
Family is always family...friends do have a choice!

Moderation in all things...how ironic that this would turn out to be my life's challenge. At 24 I could have never known that the one that I was pregnant with on that 'Big Chill' weekend was the oneI left in the bathtub at 8 months old. He nearly drown because I took a business phone call. He survived and I pledged to get more balance in my life. I certainly did NOT and I fought it and fought it. The ups and downs, the thinking I was UNSTOPPABLE to WORTHLESS all sometimes within a month period. My moods could change quickly. This is how bi-polar works.

Today I am grateful to know who I am. That I have a disorder. I can manage it and be happy and I am blessed beyond because I am aware that a life of moderation is a wonderful thing.