Happily Ever After

Holidays can be hard for so many people. I've had my share of down in the dumps Christmases where i didn't want to get out of bed. Four years ago i had no job, T.J. had fired me (temporarily), flat broke, no driver's license and no Kevin.

I watch the Hallmark Christmas shows and wonder, how many places look so perfect with ribbon and lights and bows? How many people are young and fit, rich, down on their luck, only to have everything in the end fall in to place? Hallmark can make a great story line of love being resisted, only to end up professing love in the end, and everyone lives happily ever after...

Well, maybe, just maybe if you believe, really project to the universe that you are and can be happy, and never, ever quit trying, it can and will happen.

Last year at this time i was approved for TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) treatments for bipolar depression. I was fortunate enough to have sought out an insurance company that would cover my treatments at the tune of about $25,000.00, my out of pocket was about $1,500.00.

I had 34, 3 minute treatments in the Spring and truly i feel my brain chemistry has changed. I have submitted to my insurance to have some follow up treatments simply because i have had some tough days; but nothing like the past 30 years.

My depression has been since as young as grade school where i would tell my mom i was sick and she would let me stay home from school. Fighting the black dog became a constant by the time i was in my thirties. 

My brother passed away in a tragic car accident when i was 30. My parents had divorced only a short time prior to my brother's death. our family had forever changed. These circumstances in my family really took a toll on me.

I am sure my brother had bipolar depression as well. But at that time we were so ignorant of the illness. I was not diagnosed with bipolar depression until i was 40. Then came the challenge of finding medications that helped. When i got a new doctor or therapist, they would ask what meds i have tried. I replied, "let's start with what meds i have NOT tried."

I have a library of books on mental illness, addiction and self-help. Positive thinking, really controlling your thoughts go a long way in preventing the blues. Not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future is such a key in staying happily present in your life. Living in the now is a discipline, and one that goes a long way in mental health. And sometimes i just wake up and my brain is foggy, my body feels heavy, my thoughts easily turn to the negative and i am right back there entertaining the black dog in my body and mind. Maybe you can relate? Some people can't and never will.

I have spent many days in bed in my life trying to shut out the pain, only to be alone with my thoughts that perpetuated the sadness. Working with TJ my son has been a godsend because he is so adamant that i get up every day and go to work. Getting my mind from spinning out of control has taught me that lying in bed worsens my mood. So, i now push through it and life truly is better.

There are so many more treatments for mental health now than ever. Ketamine treatments are also proving to be a great influence for happiness in the brain.

I will be 60 years old next year. I have worked six days a week for the last nearly eight years. I just took a 2 week cruise in the South America sun with the love of my life, Kevin, my oldest son TJ and his family. Never have i taken a 2 week vacation in my life and it gave me some time to think and really decompress from the worries and stresses that have accumulated in my body for years. I exercised, listened to some powerful books and thoroughly enjoyed being present with 2 of my 4 grandsons.

 I haven't been around young children for that amount of time since i was a young mother. When i was a young mother i had heavy responsibilities that would take my mind out of the present. Now, with grandchildren, and my life settled with love and financial prosperity it is much easier to live each moment being present. 

I saw each one of my grandsons yesterday. All were happy and content and surrounded by love. My boys are wonderful fathers. Their wives incredible mothers.

If this holiday you feel alone know that life can change, and it can change for the better. Most of it is allowing life to be as it is and accept what is. So much resistance to life will never amount to anything good. So often in this country, because of what social media and pressure to keep up with the Joneses puts upon us can keep us down. Control your thoughts, your thoughts are what make your life. You are what you think, and taking inventory of those thoughts will put you in the right direction.

Bad brain chemistry is real, but you can fight it, or accept it as it is and decide to help yourself in any way possible. Search out new treatments, search out new medications that may help you. Talk to a counselor or trusted friend. Eat better, sleep better, move your body more. All of these things DO make a difference. They may not "cure" you, but they go a long way in keeping you out of bed and out of self pity. Life can be good, even when it's not. Just go travel to third world country where poverty prevails. You will see a lot of sadness, but you will also see a lot of happiness. Generally speaking, you will always find what you are looking for. One thing for sure, if you see yourself as a victim, you will never be happy. You may have been victimized in your life, you do not have to be a victim.

It is Christmas day. If you are alone, if you are sad, i urge you to get out a journal and write down everything you are grateful for. Write down what you want your life to look like, and be realistic, and then start living as if that life is real...before you know it, it will be! We can live happily ever after, try it!

In Acapulco with Bode (always screwing off for pictures) and our little wild Cobee

Treatment and Hope for Depression

 The results are in!..or at least i hope they are.

Two months ago i began an all out effort to treat my dark depressive episodes. I had begun TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) and an 8 week meditation course.

Shortly after i started this i really started feeling better. Call it placebo, or whatever, but the fact is i did feel and believe good things were to come of my efforts.

I finished TMS this week after having 34 treatments. I did get used to the procedure and was able to finish with the goal of 72 as the most effective measurement. I started at 51. I used music to distract me from the discomfort of the treatment, and 3 minutes would go by rather fast.

I was given a survey on a regular basis to monitor and measurme my mood, my sleeping and my eating habits. I started out pretty low and finished with stellar results. I do feel different, i just do not know how to explain it.

There is a differnce between chemical and situational depression. Situational depression will improve as circumstances in life improve. Chemical depression comes on, triggered by what?..sometimes nothing. I could feel the difference. Chemical depression shattered all hope and enjoyment out of life for no particular reason.

I'm not sure what the future brings but i am now hopeful that the crushing depressive episodes from my past are gone. Time will tell.

EMDR has been (still having sessions), interesting. My first session was emotionally draining. Subsequent sessions have been ok. The goal is to reprocess traumatic events from the past and let them go. I can honestly say that i do not live in the past any longer. When i think of my past i have good and bad memories. I'm sure everyone is that way. The painful things in my past are just part of my story and i can let it be in the past. For the most part i do not harbor bad feelings towards many...there are still a couple. I am working on that.

Meditation is absolutely AWESOME! I look forward to getting in bed every night and just, well just having a present awareness of my body, my breathing and my thoughts. Meditation is not about not thinking because thoughts just naturally come and go, but it's different when you are in a meditative state. You let the thought go and then revert your thought back to a present awareness of your body. I do a 33 minute body scan. Sometimes i fall asleep. My goal each night is to relax and be in a grateful state of mind for my life.

The final thing that i have added to my life is nightly devotionals with my love, Kevin. We read from 4 books each night. Jesus Calling, Jesus Listens, Stillness Speaks and the Bible. This gives us time to connect with each other and connect with our Higher Power, God.

I'm happy. I'm hopeful and in the best place i have ever been with my business and with my relationships with my loved ones and with myself.

A New Journey

I have fallen into a dark depression..ya, i know the drill, eat right, exercise, take my meds, meditate, do something i enjoy, self-care........problem is, when you're depressed you enjoy nothing. I am trying, really i am but this shit is no fun. No one chooses to be depressed. Life happens, and life happens when you're trying to make a better life. 

 I am doing 3 things to battle this disease i have. 

I am having TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). It is a non-invasive treatment that uses electromagnetic pulses to stimulate nerve cells, which may improve symptoms of neurological or mental health disorders. It mainly treats depression. There’s also some evidence that TMS may help other disorders, like anxiety, OCD, PTSD, chronic pain, Alzheimer's and Parkinson’s disease.

I've had one treatment, and to describe it would be this: have you ever been electrocuted when you were plugging something into a light socket? It feels like that with only five times the power. It just zaps your brain. I will have 30 treatment, 5 times a week for 6 weeks. The goal is to get the strength to 72. I got to 62 on my first treatment. The treatment only lasts 3 minutes. I will have 30, so i figure, if this helps me to not feel this way for any time in my future it is worth a shot. 

It's only 90 minutes of getting my brain zapped! The success rate of TMS for depression is promising. Response rates for depression are between 30 and 64 percent. More research is needed to understand the success rate for other medical conditions. 

The second thing i will be doing is EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) with my therapist. This can be done by tapping and moving your eyes right to left. My therapist has 2 little balls that i hold in each hand and it blinks and buzzes back and forth.

The American Psychiatric Association (APA) has noted that EMDR is effective for treating symptoms of acute and chronic PTSD, panic attacks, sleep disorders and addiction. According to the APA, EMDR may be particularly useful for people who have trouble talking about the traumatic events they've experienced. 

I've had one session. It was emotionally exhausting. I'm going continue for a while and see what comes of it. There are no side effects. Bonus. 

The third thing i have signed up for is an eight week meditation course. Now this speaks to me the most. Thought discipline. The only negative thing about meditation is when you think you're no good at it, which is a myth. It's about awareness. Being aware of the space between your thoughts, but it's not about trying not to think, it's about recognizing those thoughts. It's very strange and very cool. I like it.

So, it's a lot, but when i do something i like to do it big, and i like to do it well. 

Wish me luck and stay tuned...

Dogs

                                      Why does watching a dog be a dog fill one with happiness

-Jonathan Safran Foer

I had a dog, one of those dogs that will never be replaced. Maybe you've had one of those too? This a three part post to share some of my journey through depression, mania, addiction and a long journey where i have found peace with living in the present. My special Zion would have been 18 today.

Over the past 18 years i have loved 7 dogs...none like i loved Zion.

Zion was a Boston Terrier runt. Full grown 11 lbs. She is named after Zion's canyon in St. George, Utah. It was there that i decided i needed a dog. I brought her home the day before Thanksgiving in 2003. I was 43 years old and about to experience the longest bout of depression i had ever experienced in my life. I felt the depression coming on so i fled to Zion's canyon hoping to get a reprieve from the pressures of running a salon and day spa and raising a family. I also knew my brain chemistry was off. When i returned, the deep darkness sank in and i spent the better time of the next several months, until June of that year in bed. During that time it was a triumph if i did a little housework, showered and brushed my teeth. I don't recall if the preceding months had been filled with mania, but as the pattern was, what goes up, must come down. That's how the chemistry in the brain works if you have bipolar depression.

When Zion was a puppy she was so little she fit in the palm of my hand. When she ate her little back feet would come off the ground because her head was big compared to her body. All those months she would, lay beside me, just loving me unconditionally. I would play with her frequently, and she became very proficient in playing catch.. I would rival any Golden Retriever or Labrador that Zion loves balls more than any good fetching dog. She learned how to play an incredible game of soccer; literally dribbling it through the yard and "nose bumping" it if you threw it at her.

Zion's biggest ball ever

Zion slept with me every night. She would ball up next to my stomach and sleep there contently all night. I've never been a good sleeper, insomnia and i know each other well. The years with Zion always by my side are now missed during those long hours between two and five a.m. when i cannot sleep.

I've been told that if you live in the past you will be depressed, and if you live in the future you will be anxious. That makes sense, but i didn't learn that lesson or master living in the present until the last couple of years.

When i would look back and remember certain periods of my life, i could not remember any of them without knowing that the ever present feeling of depression and uneasiness lived within me. As i reflect on those higher flying days of mania when i would be in the middle of remodeling one of the salon's or building the 6,000 ft square building, called the Phazes Building. My energy and creativity was boundless and i felt i could conquer the world. A lot of great things came to be during my phases of mania, but the black dog always eventually won, Zion was there through all of it.

After i split up with my husband of 27 years, anxiety about the future was ever present. Had i known what the following eight years i had ahead of me i'm sure i would have never agreed to a divorce. Five months following splitting from Kelly i went to Las Vegas with TJ and some of his friends. I also took a good friend from high school who was going through an ugly divorce. He offered me a drink. I hesitated and told him of my tendency towards addiction. for I had had a three year stint with opioids in my late thirties.

I didn't drink much the first night, but the second night we both got pretty drunk, and at the time it made me forget all my troubles. When i agreed to divorce i thought it was the best thing for both of us. I had become indifferent to him and he was unhappy as well. The kids were raised. I had just finished my fifth consecutive quarter at the University of Utah, my Dad, who owned the Phazes Building had stage 4 cancer and i had to make some changes. I could have never imagined how changed my life would be with two decisions, to get divorced and to take a drink.

I did not return to school that Fall. I was giving it all and i had to rebuild the salon during the recession. Two years later i lost the salon in a turn of events that gave all the power to my father and stepmom. I moved in with Tandin, my son, and started back to the "U.." Two months later i would meet Kevin.

After moving in with Tandin i started hiding my liquor, and how much i drank. The first clue i had a real problem was when i stated hiding a pint of Vodka in my closet.

To be continued...

Vodka

                          A DOG is the only thing on earth that loves you more than she loves herself

                                      -Josh Billings  

continued from Dogs...

When i think of the day i got Zion, during my longest period of a depressive episode, and the day i put her to sleep, it was two of the most dark days i had ever endured. I held on to Zion way longer than i had a right. She had been blind for two years. I had reduced her dignity to carrying her everywhere the last six months. I knew she could see shadows because she still pushed the ball around with her nose, but constantly bumped into things. I battled the decision for a couple of months, i knew it was time when i put a ball in front of her and she just stood there.

The last trip Zion and I had at Zion's canyon

I fixed her a huge dish of scrambled eggs with tons of cheese one hour before i took her in to be euthanized. I don't believe i had ever felt such heavy feet as i carried her into the vet. They put her to sleep in my arms. I left and went to work that day. The next three days i stayed home and chugged vodka. When i would wake up i would chug some more until i passed out again.

Addiction and mental illness go hand in hand, and they both exacerbate each other. I knew this, it didn't stop me from drinking. All i wanted was to numb myself from the pain of thinking about my past and worrying about the future.

I met Kevin in the Fall of 2013. We both felt a chemistry we had never experienced before on our first date. He mostly talked about his adventures of traveling the world surfing. I mostly listened, talking about your ex and your previous family life seemed to have little interest to a confirmed bachelor of 57. He was a successful Realtor; me, a failed business woman who drank too much. I did have 3 incredible, successful boys i had raised and was close to. I was a student at the "U" again and barely making it through my classes. The trauma of losing my business and moving away from everything familiar was weighing heavily on me. I was without a job, without insurance, less than $100 in my bank account and an old jalopy of a vehicle. 

I had dated plenty the previous two years. I had met some really fine men, along with plenty of "one and done" dates. None had ever swept me off my feet, until i met Kevin.

I moved in with Kevin shortly after meeting him and we had a wonderful year of trips and concerts, belly laughs, along with a good share of fights. I was reeling with feeling i belonged no where and drinking secretlly. I felt that i lived in his world, while secretly i was trying to drown out the pain of my past. Kevin worked so much and he allowed me time to do what i wanted, which was mostly drink and not think of all i lost and what my future was going to be. Zion was the one familiar thing in my life and she comforted me. I knew she loved me, even if i didn't love myself.

to be continued...

A Puppy and a Kitten

                                          Dogs do speak, but only to those who know how to listen

                                                            - Orhan Pamuk

Continued from "Vodka"... The seven dogs in my life have each taught me something different. I don't have a dog now. That will come shortly when Kevin and i semi retire and have time to raise a puppy.

When i get a dog this time, i will be a different person. Sure, my inate personality is still there, but i live more like dogs live...in the present.

I moved in with Kevin again after living seperate for 5 years. There was a comfort and a settling that happened after i moved in and the stability of a home and someone who loved me unconditionally was by my side.

Our lives became very routine. Hybernating because of covid that Spring gave me time to cacoon and start being present with myslef and even though the world seemed to be crumbling, i was getting stronger. I was sober and the dealership that i had now become a small invested owner in was growing and prospering. TJ, the leader and founder, my son and the visionary to TJ Chapman Auto had finally got over the hump. We had worked so hard, six, sometimes seven days a week, answering sales calls, trying to get our books straight, weathering the storms of employee drama and estblishing a nationwide reputation for selling rebuilt titles cars across the country.

Covid brought in an influx of internet buyers who found us, loved our concept, cars and our prices. We started shipping more and more vehciles all over the United States. The daily grind of getting up and working nine to sometimes twelve hours a day was paying off, and all of a sudden i realized...i am living in the present. I went home to Kevin each night. Saw grandkids on the weekends and found a couple of good TV series that both Kevin and i watched frequently. We watched more news than is good for any sane person and got caught up in the politics, racial unrest in the country, and the status of covid deaths. THe world outside wasn't so good, but my life was. My life had gotten really simple, content and when i thought of the years behind me it was just a story in my past. The future felt secure.I had no more financial worries, i had a happy healthy family with three prospering boys along with their wives and 4 grandsons.

Kevin and i are looking forward to cutting back in our careers soon and living life to the fullest. He wants to go back to traveling the world and i want to be with him and experience it with the love of my life.

Kevin & i with Gibson before his euthanization

We also will be getting a cat and a dog. A fluffy kitty that will sit in his office like his 21 year old cat, Gibson did in years past... and we will be getting a Boston Terrier. If you suffer from a mental illness and/or addiction and with anxiety, know that while the journey is hard, you can learn to live now and live happily.

                                 Dogs are our link to paradise

                                       - Milan Kundera

Addiction Part I

 Two years ago was the lowest i'd ever been in my life, and i've had my share of lows. I had moved to a new apartment and sworn off hard alcohol. I can't stand the taste of beer but it was the lesser of 2 evils to satiate my addiction. Oh sure, every morning for the previous 7 years i would go to bed and promise myself i would never take another drink. I got through a few of those days, even went through awful withdrawals several times. One detox attempt got so bad that for 2 hours i was sure i was dying, and for some reason i was begging God to let me live. That particular detox was spent with my mother at my side and hitting my knees several times an hour repeating..."help me, help me, help me." I was in sheer desperation feeling as though i needed to die to get out of my pain..i thought of how it would effect my kids.

My frequent attempts to quit drinking were so many i could not count, and then it happened..i had been drinking beer through the night to try to realize some sleep. Alcohol is a sleep disrupter, and waking up every couple of hours was all i knew. I'm not sure how many hours of sleep i got that night but it wasn't much. Beer couldn't knock me out like the hard liquor. 

I had a doctor's appointment at 8:30 a.m., and not feeling drunk i drove to my appointment. Because of a situation that was plaguing our family I was having cross words with my sister on the drive, and unnerved to say the least. When i pulled up to the parking space, by mistake i hit the gas, hard, instead of the brake. It threw me into the front of the building in front of me and took out the front end of the car i was driving from the dealership. 

Not long after the cops were swarming me and i took a trip to the emergency room and got myself a very very expensive DUI.

I found myself with no job to go to, no car and the love of my life had had enough. 

To be continued...

Addiction Part II

  ...Continued from Addiction Part 1

How could this have happened? In one fell swoop i managed to lose my license, lose my boyfriend and lose my job. What was i to do? My mom called and i would answer sometimes, but most of all i wanted to hide. My boys were pretty much through with my bad behavior as well as Kevin, my boyfriend, and seeing that there was nothing they could do, they all stayed away...hoping this was the answer to many prayers on my behalf to get sober. I had hit rock bottom.

Two days after the accident i went to my doctor and she immediately sent me to the hospital to detox. I was there for 3 days, but as soon as i got home i went straight to the gas station to buy more beer.  I continued to drink by going to the gas station (i had no car and no license) nearby and buy an 18 pack of beer for the day. I still had a little money in my bank account, but not much. I made sure i never ran out of beer because staying numb was the only way i could cope at the time.

Upon my release at the hospital there had been arrangements for me to get a new Doc. My new Doc was a Psychiatrist instead of a Physicians Assistant. My first appointment with my new Doc was two and a half hours of disclosing my mental health issues that had plagued me my whole life and my addiction. It became apparent to me i had tried to play doctor to myself for years (self medicating). Over the years i had done plenty of adjusting my own meds in a desperate attempt to not have another crash.

My new Psyche talked to me about something called co-morbidity and that mental health issues and addiction go hand in hand in the attempt to self medicate. I'd never heard of such a thing, i just always took myself for a weak person and conquering my addiction was constantly gnawing away at me. 

Adjustments to my medication were slowly made and within 3 months i was on a new regimen, including a once a month shot (vivitrol) that prohibited me from feeling any type of euphoria from alcohol. I no longer could get drunk even when i tried. And try i did, for the first week, i felt nothing but rotton when i took a drink. I was to take this terribly expensive shot once a month for a year, and the science shows that after a period of time the grooves in my brain that told me to drink would be making other pathways.

To be continued...

Addiction Part III

  ...Continued from Addiction Part II 

Addiction and depression are so indescribable unless you've been there and lived it, and i had lived it. Was i trying to self medicate all these years just to try to feel what i had hoped would be normal? For as early as Jr. High days i'm not sure what normal was supposed to feel like. I can say that the numerous highs i have been on are intoxicating. I am never more creative, energetic and happy than when i go into a manic phase. Unfortunately they are always followed by a crushing low. The lows are enough to make you want to just run, run as if a bear were chasing you down and there is no way out. The bear always wins, because what ever goes up, eventually must come down. Thats' called bipolar depression. 

Make no mistake, chemical depression is a whole different ball game than situational depression. Situational depression is caused by some circumstance in your life that makes you feel sad. A chemical depression crash is a lack of chemicals in your brain and all the joy is sucked out of life and you feel like you'd rather not take another breath, because life just hurts. I've had these crashes many many times throughout my life. Since i have been seeing my psychiatrist i have had very few crashes and they have been short lived. I rarely ever think about drinking now and the smell of alcohol haunts me. 

Addiction Part IV

  ...Continued from Addiction Part III

In the 1930's scientist started to study addiction. It was believed then that addictics were morally weak and had no willpowers. New science has corrected that belief, however the general judgment is still from the 30's and more education is needed. Despite the advances in research many people do not understand why people become addicted to substances and how these substances change the brain to bring about the compulsive behavior.

Scientist now know that addiction is a disease that affects both the brain and behavior. The initial decision to use drugs or alcohol is voluntary. The down side is no one knows who will become addicted. Research shows if you have addiction in your family you are more suseptable The brain is a communication center made up of billions of neurons. Each nerve cell in the brain sends and receives messages in the form of electrical and chemical signals. Drugs and alcohol affect the brain by tapping into its communication system and interfering with the way neurons normally send, receive, and process information.

There is still more research to be done and much more education, preventative care and access to a medically assited means for beating addiction. For me it's very simple. I now take a little pill called Naltrexone that works the same way as the vivitrol shot. It prevents me from feeling any pleasure if i were to take a drink. Why would i ever drink if there is no pleasure?

My family never gave up on me, and Kevin and i eventually weathered the storm. My relationships are stronger than they have ever been because i am sober. There is no better feeling than being true to yourself, living with guilt and shame is no way to live.

If you are battling addiction or any kind of mental illness there is help and hope. The first step is your ability to make the decision you don't want to live in bondage from addiction any longer. There is a way to no longer feel guilt and shame. There is help and you cannot do it alone.

It feels great to not be ashamed to tell my story...now, well,  life is good.

https://www.samhsa.gov/medication-assisted-treatment/medications-counseling-related-conditions

Happiness is a State of Mind

Life for me has been so busy the last four years that i have posted only 9 total blogs. In that time i have had 3 more grandsons (no girls in the bunch), built a successul car dealership with my son TJ and fallen deeply in with, well, 

the love of my life.

Kevin & I on top the mountain in Scofield

Kevin Enjoying a slice of heaven for a few days

I can't say the journey has been easy. The last 9 years have been filled with more trial, heartache and sickness than all the previous 30 years combined. I can tell you that divorce, financial ruin and addiction can suck the very life out of you, so much so that many times, well, i wished i didn't have to take another breath. Some types of mental and emotional pain can be so damn hard that living within your own thoughts is torture; and then to get out of that torture you numb youself with anything that makes the thoughts go away. My numbing tool was alcohol.

I'll never forget my first weekend drinking nearly 9 years ago. It was Thanksgiving weekend and i was in Vegas with my new boyfriend. I very specifically told him i didn't think it was a good idea that i drink because of my challenge with opiod addiction in my 30's. I shoved the thought out of my mind and decided it was just time for me to let my hair down and have a good time, and i can say, we had a great time just being with each other and mostly laughing. This new boyfriend was someone from high school and i have never been around someone who could make me belly laugh on a regular basis like he did. We were both going through ugly divorces and laughter was the best medicine either of us could have wanted, except we started mixing that laughter with alcohol.

I met Kevin in November of 2013. He has stuck by me through my trials. After breaking up 6 times we finally have settled into a life together. We never gave up on each other, our connection from the first time we met was magical, and we have strived (and fought) to keep it. In many ways we are mirrors of each other, driven, bull-headed, spiritual and passionate about life and one another.

Although my divorce was what i wanted and felt needed to happen if i was to ever find real happiness and true love, it was way more than i bargained for. I've said many times that had i known what i was going to face i would have stayed in my marriage, even if i was miserable. I think i could have reconciled that i could live without true love if i could have everything that keeping a family entails. Holiday's and birthday's together and most of all not sucking the life out of my children.

I consider divorce one of the most horrific things to do to a family. I consider addiciton to be the worst thing to live with, losing all your wordly possessions, your community and many friends isn't too fun either, all of those things together -- wicked. It took me seven years of pure hell to finally start to see the light.

I may some day tell of some of those hellish times, but for now i'm living my dream.

Today i am spending a few days on a thousand acre ranch with its own little lake, zip line, shooting range, recreational vehicles and outdoor fire pit. It's all surreal because i'm here with my love. It's just the two of us and we love just being together. We both need the time off. Work pretty much consumes both of us 6, sometimes 7 days a week. Kevin and i have learned a cadence to our lives. We are looking forward to semi retiring in less than 2 years.

Kevin and i have spent the better part of the last few months since coronaviruse broke out in the U.S., listening to way to much news and doom and gloom. It's times like these, when i can be quiet and think to myself and be grateful to God that i am exactly where i am in life. There is so much rhetoric, sadness, tribulation and down right evil in this world these days; but i have a choice to live my own life now and choose to be happy and content with what God has blessed me with. He has blessed me abundantly. 

Our own private lake, just for a few days

It's truly the simple things i find joy in now. No pomp and circumstance of trying to impress anybody or live who i am not. I am who i am and i like that. Kevin accepts me for exactly who i am and that feels good. We have a respect and affection for one another that is rare between two people. We have a good life now and look forward to whatever the future brings, because we can do it together.

I've been sober now for nearly 2 years. My family stood by me, even when they did not know what to do. Kevin broke up with me 3 times and i broke up with him 3 times, every time alcohol played a part in our fighting. We fought hard for what we have because of our deep connection from the beginning. Our love is magical.

Life has a way of teaching you the harshest lessons for the best of reasons. I have fought depression my whole life, some chemical and some situational depression, all depression is horrible. The trials have disappeared from my life for now. I don't know exactly what the future brings. I have been gravely concerned for our country as the rioting continues and the polarity between American's is rising almost daily. 

Whatever happens in life i am certainly much more prepared for the trials, experience is the best teacher. Happiness is a state of mind. I choose happiness.

Belly Laughs!

I have no pics for this post, so you will have to use your imagination and i will do my best decribing the scene.

We had a rager family party last night with 3 generations there, thanks to my mom. We celebrated my nephew bringing a new baby girl into the family.

My niece has a spectacular back yard. Through the trees that surround her home you can see the pond they play in. Her yard has a fire pit, basketball court, bar & grill, a treehouse my son Tandin built complete with beds and TV and a big twisting slide as one of the exits.

The most peaceful spot and the best view is the 3 seater swing that overlooks the beauty and where my mom and i sat with such joy last night as we watched all of our babies thoroughly love being together. I raised my kids with my sisters kids, and oh what fun they had.

TJ my oldest son didn't become a Dad until he was 37. He had quite the single life and now to see him throw himself into fatherhood as he has, well often times brings me to tears. Bode his one and a half year old trusts his dad and rightly so. TJ stuffed his tall self from the bottom half up inside this steep twisted long slide, enough to coax Bode down. Bode had a little help from his cousin Collin the first time, and pretty soon, yep, all 3 of them popped out the bottom. And the repeat sessions were on. Bode is an angel with the sweetest disposition. He gets that from both of his parents.

All the big boys decided to have a friendly game of corn hole. Two against two, where you throw a bean bag towards a slanted wooden deck with a hole in it. You earn points depending on how close you get, better yet if it goes in the hole! Collin my 3 year old grandson has alread stripped to his underwear long ago and has been streaking through the yard like a little Mogley from Jungle Book with his tan skin. His mom is literally sleeping over on the sectional couch around the fire pit from a long bike ride that day and how exhausting this little guy is. When he's awake, he's moving.

The belly laugh part -- The guys are doing that "guy bonding thing" as they play corn hole. The women sit around supporting their men. Mom & I sit on the swing above it all and observe. Then Mogley (Collin) starts into action and the next thing you know he is shagging the bean bags and the guys are happy about that, they don't have to walk and pick them up. But wait, he's now pushing the bean bags in the hole everytime, they need to stay in place for accurate score keeping. And then he figures out his butt is the perfect size to fit in the corn hole. So this is the next place you continue to find him sitting! He is stopping up the hole, and stopping up the game. His Dad pulls him off and he throws a fit, but only for a minute. He has now found a long blue plastic plunger-like stick that he continues to put down the hole and stir, again stopping the game. Mom & I are hysterical, Chase thinks his kid is cute, but is frustrated. As for the other guys, depending on their personalities they're either chill or getting slightly annoyed. The game took twice as long as it should have from Collin interference. What is Chase to do with this little 3 year old pistol? He is who he is.

What should one do about a little 3 year old like this? Spank him for making his Grandma's belly laugh and take all the fun out of life?! Never!! That's what they would have done back in the day..

Allen Legacy Ends

Some things have to come to an end. Sometimes we don't have a choice and we have to let go.

How i remember the farm growing up

The Allen farm was sold last month after 73 years. When i reflect back on my childhood years, most of my memories are playing on the farm. I was the youngest of 3 children. My older siblings memories would be of more work than play. Both my brother and sister knew a lot of early mornings getting up at the crack of dawn to milk the cows during the summer and before school. It was hard work and Dad ruled, often times with an iron fist. Being the baby i got away with a lot more. That was hard for my brother and sister.

Dad was a tough man, he worked around the clock, he usually came in for dinner and spent Sunday afternoons resting. I never felt bad about it, i knew if i needed him i could usually find him. I was a confident little girl and didn't need much more than the company of the animals, my siblings, my extended family who lived on the farm and the other workers. I had friends that lived a mile away and i would often time walk to their house or they would come to mine. I was never ever bored.

I always remember thinking to myself..."When is Dad going to get this place cleaned up?!" How naive was I? Farming is some the the hardest, thankless, never ending poor mans job there is. Nevertheless there are things that it brings to a family that cannot be bought and are irreplaceable.

Dad's dream was we would be millionaires one day, and we would have been, but sometimes things don't turn out quite like you expected, but we are all well enough off.

A farm provides a constant playground of adventure in your own backyard and plenty of cousins to play with.

There were so many shenanigans from generation to generation from motorcycles chases with my brother, cousins and me, to my boys playing chicken with fire in the haystack to tease my youngest nephew and scare him to death. It's all things we laugh about around the table now. I am horrified i never knew my boys were such hoodlums.

Bode at Ching Sanctuary

Tandin & Collin at Ching Sanctuary

There is now a fourth and fifth generation of Allen blood that loves animals, farming and building. Tandin, my youngest son started volunteering at Ching Farm Rescue & Sanctuary. He has dedicated himself to a passion and love for animals by building barns, excavating the land for better water drainage and petitioning for donations for a new tractor. He has become Faith Ching, the owners right hand man. Tandin's engineer mind has brought about more change in 6 months than in 17 years, so Chris the next door neighbor told me this past Sunday.

I got paid 10 cents a week to feed the calves.

I fed this 3 week old rescue calf at Ching Sanctuary with tears last Sunday. I left from Herriman and drove to Taylor to finish some business and say my last goodbye to a legacy that so many many people had worked so hard to create. The Allen farm was sold to a neighbor.

These are my siblings. There's not much that can be said about the bond you have with your siblings. When my brother was jerked out of this life suddenly on July 2, 1994, i felt like i had lost a part of myself. In time we all adjusted, i think it's been hardest on my mom. Our family has never been the same.

My heart is so touched when i see puppies and newborn animals snuggle and bond, then play boundlessly with their siblings. Blood runs deep. It cannot be changed. People can hurt you, whether they are neighbors, acquaintances or even, and especially your own family,  forgive them. I believe most people really do their very best with the circumstances they are given. Carrying bitterness, condemnation, judgment and feeling as if you own the morale high ground is shaky territory and leads to lonliness. The answer is always love.

Lessons from a Dog Part III

This should be entitled "Lessons from All My Dogs," and i've had a few..all unique, all special.

Gizmo came to our home because TJ my oldest son, as a 7th grader, desperately wanted a dog. Gizmo was a 4 year old Pug that had just delivered a batch of pups. When she walked into the house with her teets nearly dragging on the ground and worn out from nursing i thought to myself, "what have we got ourselves into?" But her flat nose pug face grew on us and her nipples finally shrunk. My 3 boys loved her and we eventually bred her again and she gave birth to 6 of the cutest puppies you could ever imagine. Gizmo got old and she died in my arms on the way to the vet. I had unknowingly ran over her while she camped her fat self in our drive way. There were no back up cameras back then. Lesson 1: Pay attention to your surroundings. Your actions impact others.

Next came Zion. My Savior Dog. She was all of 4 inches when i brought her home from my "self-discovery trip at 40 years old" to Zion's Canyon. Zion lived 14 years. She played soccer like no other. She could navigate a ball better than any professional soccer player. She even played when she was blind in her last couple of years with us. Lesson #2: Don't let a disability get in the way of having fun. In truth, if we look in the mirror, we all are disabled and have hardship in one way or another.


Roxee and Doxer came next, only a few short months after Zion. Dozer the snaggle toothed Bulldog and Roxee, a crazed runt Boston that spent a lot of time hiding in the closet, simply because when we got her she was near death from an infection in her tail (she had surgery and in time she was a happy healthy dog). She was irritable because she was in pain a lot of the time. That changed in time when her Bulldog brother Dozer, followed her everywhere protecting her from her uncontrollable self. She would jump out of the car window and Dozer would go round her up; scold Roxee and then take her potty in the back yard. They were a pair. They wrestled uncontollably at times with Dozers entire mouth covering her face. They loved each other and they died together in TJ's house fire. Lesson #3:
Get over your pain any way you can and find a trusted partner that looks over you, even if you do dumb things.

Pac healed our hearts from the loss of Dozer and Roxee. His beautiful face and prestine body still turns peoples heads to this day. Pac is now 7 years old and still is a one-man-dog, Tandin is the only one he obeys. No one can control him but Tandin (youngest son of mine). When he visits me he runs furiously, only to say, "my dad, is the only one i respect, the rest of you can go to hell." Lesson #3: You earn loyalty by serving undonditionally, even when it's hard.

Ducati cleaning Cayennes ears

Ducati and Cayenne came shortly after Pac to fill the loss of Dozer and Roxee. TJ (my oldest son) buys in bulk, Having two dogs helped entertain each other and accommodate TJ's busy lifestyle. After losing Dozer and Roxee, Ducati and Cayenne filled that void for TJ. Two more dogs that were paired liked no other. Ducati liked to fight, then she'd lick Cayenne's ears clean.. Lesson #4: Fight like you mean it, then kiss and make up!

For a short 3 weeks we had Winslow. Kevin and i bought this little Aussie-doodle antincipating that Zion was getting near the end and i needed to let her go. Unfortunately on a mid day at the office, Winslow invaded Ducati's eating territory and perished under his large jaws. Lessons learned...dogs are not people, they inately protect their territory, but do not know their boundaries and sometimes things don't turn out so well. Winslow died in my arms as well. Lesson #5: Watch your back, your friends sometimes turn on you, and you will be surprised that is often the ones closest to you.

Winslow

The last night i slept with Zion

One of the hardest things i have ever had to do in my life was to take my most precious companion that had loved me unconditionally and served me for 14 years was on January 17, 2018. I knew it was Zions time to have rest. She died in my arms also, of my choosing, which was best for her...not for me. I had hung on to her too long. She had been blind for 2 years and i carried her most everywhere the last 6 months of her life. This dog had been through more life and strife with me than any other living thing on this earth, and oh how i hated to let her go! Lesson #6: Hold on to those you love, you never know when they are going to be gone.

Five days later i got Daisy, or better known as "Crazy Daisy." She comforts me, and she makes me crazy, she is not an easy dog like Zion was, but i love her all the same. She's funny and has personality plus! Lesson #7: Crazy is ok. It makes life more interesting.

My Crazy Daisy

Each dog and each relationship that comes into our lives teaches us different life lessons. I have heard many times that once someone loses their most beloved pet that they cannot bare to lose another and they chose not to get another dog. That was not the case for me. Daisy does not take the place of Zion, no other dog will EVER replace my Zion. Daisy is just another part of the story of the lessons from a Dog. Lesson #8: If you pay attention every day brings some lesson that can either make your life better or worse. You choose.

Let Go

Recently i have been listening more and talking less..and i needed to stop talking! I have also taken more time to listen to music and read. I came across this passage from Eckart Tolle, one of my favorite authors.

"The egoic self is always engaged in seeking. It is seeking more of this or that to add to itself, to make itself feel more complete. This explains the ego's compulsive preoccupation with the future. Whenever you become aware of yourself "living for the next moment," you have already stepped out of that egoic mind pattern, and the possibility of choosing to give your full attention to this moment arises simultaneously. By giving your full attention to this moment, an intelligence far greater than the egoic mind enters your life."  --Eckart Tolle

Change always brings about relflection. I change every day. Life has a way of teaching us -- humbling us. How grateful i am to have eyes to read and ears to hear the beautiful lyrics and melodies of music.

How grateful i am to have 3 stalwart sons. How lucky i am to be close to all 3. I am blessed they have wives that love them and stand by them through all of lifes challenges. And the sweetest part of this stage of life is being "grams" to 2 perfect grandsons.

Bode - getting so big at 8 months

Collin -
 on one of our train rides at Lagoon

 And my very best friend, confidante and mentor is my mom.

My Mom with Bode at 3 months old

I can't ask God for much more. Well, accept Daisy!

Crazy Daisy

Lesson from a Dog Part II

On January 17, 2018 i euthanized Zion, my most beloved Boston Terrier that had been by my side for 14 years. She had been through more life with me than any human could have endured with the ups and downs of my crazy life. Only a dog could have been so loyal and patient with me. She was my best friend and confidante.

Dogs are unconditionally loving, and those of us who have them in their lives are blessed! I still miss Zion every day, for what she taught me was priceless. I miss her skinny body curling up by my tummy at night. And i know that life changes and life goes on!

My last pic with Zion. January 17, 2018

Three months later I now have Daisy. Crazy Daisy! I got her 4 days after i let Zion have her peace in heaven. Crazy Daisy has brought me so much joy.. she is a challenge, for she is a puppy. It has been a lot of lost sleep, hundreds of dollars, (laptop cords, phone charger cords, earbuds, you name it, she chews it). She has pooped and peed in my house and at work, thank goodness, it is rarely anymore. Yay progress! We are enrolled in puppy school. I am a committed dog owner, and i love my dogs. Those who have puppies and say that they were house broken in 5 days, never chewed anything and their dogs don't bark? I call bullshit.

It's funny because as dog owners we kinda like to stick to the breeds we love. When Zion was declining i was determined to find another runt Boston. When i wised up, i knew that was a self defeating-no-win situation. I now love Daisy! She is totally different than Zion. Zion was as low maintenance as they come. Daisy's nickname is "StinkenStein" for she needs a bath 2 times a week. She needs to go to the groomer, i never spent a penny on Zion at the groomer. Daisy is a YorkiPoo. She is adorable when she is groomed, and she does look like she is a homeless beggar when she goes 7 days without a bath..and i'm a little busy these days, so that happens! Perspective people, she is a dog.

"StinkenStein" before her blow dry

Daisy AKA "StinkenStein" after her blow dry

I posted 10 life lessons you can learn from your dog when Zion died. As life goes we have many lessons to learn.

http://wildflowersandweeds.blogspot.com/2018/02/lessons-from-dog.html when Zion died.

Tonight i only have 3 lessons from a (my) dog:

1. Don't underestimate the enthusiasm, innocence and strength of youth, they are our future. Puppies, millennial's, they all get a bad rap. I love them. The rules still remain the same; those who are willing to work hard and pay the price, rise to the top and are frankly delightful, and it takes working together to create that!

2. Be who you are and tell the truth. Dogs have a strong sense about things, and i believe i do as well..I found out in puppy class that dogs can smell 15 miles away and can hear 3 miles away! WOW, i wish i had that much instinct. We humans distort the truth and twist things around; we also justify our bad behavior, it's just the way it is. Dogs are always, just dogs.

3. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. I've been a business owner or boss for most of my life. It's not a popular job. The rule is, those who leave their employment will put blame on the boss or the company, and take no responsibility themselves, that is human nature. Personal accountability is a hard thing. Daisy bites me all the time, she's young, she's learning, and with good training, lots of love and consistency, she will grow out of it and realize that i am the one who takes care of her and loves everything about her, even when she is a challenge, because that is what unconditional love is.

Zion was as feisty as they come and her teeth were razor sharp, but in time they dulled and she learned her manners. In my eyes Zion was the perfect dog. I miss her every day. Daisy and i are learning together. She doesn't replace Zion. I have plenty of love for her too, that's the way love is.

This was in 2008, when both Zion and i were young!

And i love my Crazy Daisy!

A priceless moment when Daisy is quiet and has exhausted herself!