Cancer & Friendships

I have been spending some time this last week at the hospital with a dear friend whose husband has cancer. She was my dance teacher when I was a teenager and our families have been intertwining ever since. Her husband and my father have been trekking to Idaho for holistic treatments and it has improved the quality of both of their lives, and the bonus, a beautiful friendship between Dad and Jerry was formed.

We have had tender, straightforward and poignant talks of death amongst several of us, both at my visits to the hospital and my conversations with my own family as I brought back reports of Jerry and the families circumstances. Each day brought about new emotions of either progress or setbacks, as only this type of life altering situation does.

I copied this quote Dixie had tucked in her purse in my favorite little book "Stillness Speaks"...

"I am not afraid of tomorrow for I have seen yesterday and I love today."

 ---William Allen White

This past six months and past week has taught me immense, HUGE life lessons...I do not fear death...in any respect...I mourn the idea, the very fact that I know, but can fully embrace the fact that my father, my brother who already passed away tragically nearly 18 years ago, and all whom i love WiLL die. I have shamefully begged to die many times in my life; whether that be because of my mood disorder or my situations, it does not matter. I am over that now because what I know NOW is that I TRUST; I fear no more. This life is meant to live until we die. There is a time for everything, a time to suffer, a time to mourn, a time to learn, a time to teach and this life is meant to be happy, but happiness is a choice.

The question remains in the bravery of choosing happiness over being a victim.

Wearing Purple a Red Hat and a Rocking Chair

It is 6:30 A.M.! in the morning as I begin this stupid blog...I have been up attending to my business trying to get to that FINAL paper my favorite professor of the semester is allowing me to write in lieu of taking the final. An option I took since exams and I do not seem to get along so well.

I have no business idling my time away "blogging" but as I was updating finances from my computer an email from an OLD friend delighted me...I MUSt sHARE an excerpt...edited by ME!

When I am an old I shall wear Purple with a Red hat which does not go, and does not suit me.

Which is why I shall love it and wear it all the more...

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain, which is ridiculous because my feet are always cold, but I shall do it anyway. And I will pick flowers in other people’s gardens and spit again, just as I did when I was little on the farm.

I will continue to wear terrible shirts and fight to not get fat while I wolf down three pounds of sausage as I camp in my tent, or "vacation home" as I like to call it! 

For now I will continue to hoard colored pens and highlighters and keep things of all kinds in COLORFUL little bags...

For now I must have clothes that have a small amount of bling, and I  must pay our bills and only swear a little bit.

And Oh NO never have friends over for dinner, MUCH too busy for THAT! Read the paper, a good book, Not a CHANCE...

But maybe I ought to practice a little now? So people who know me are not too shocked or surprised, when suddenly I am old and start to wear Purple, (swear a little more) and wear that  Red HAT? And it would only be appropriate that I bedazzle those hats...In honor of my sister, of course.

 What I really look forward to is that "rocking chair" on a porch, any old porch, a quiet one.

Moderation in All Colors

Today I turn 46. It is a good day. I wouldn't want to go back to 16, I was pregnant. At 26 I was pregnant again and going full tilt running a business and being a wife and mother. At 36 I was using opiates to deal with my physical back pain and obviously to numb my emotional pain as well.

Bless those years of struggle and trials...they made me who I am. Today I am well. I am neither high nor low. I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically in the middle.

I like the idea of moderation in all things. Years ago at the age of 24, I was pregnant with my second boy, my girlfriends and I gathered in Washington for a 'Big Chill' weekend. Some of the husbands had come along and amongst unusual activities the profound events from that trip was a long talk that lasted until way into the night. First the reminiscing of old high school times, then the hopes and dreams of our futures, and then the philosophizing. It all came down to after hours of hashing things back and forth was this one statement: moderation in all things.We had it all figured out at 24! HA!!

I loved this statement. I reflected on it many times. I have been blessed with the best of friends. Friends that have stood by me through dark times, times where I was rather ridiculous and stupid, times when I was loud and obnoxious, times when I did not return phone calls for months, and for some reason they loved me in spite of me.
Family is always family...friends do have a choice!

Moderation in all things...how ironic that this would turn out to be my life's challenge. At 24 I could have never known that the one that I was pregnant with on that 'Big Chill' weekend was the oneI left in the bathtub at 8 months old. He nearly drown because I took a business phone call. He survived and I pledged to get more balance in my life. I certainly did NOT and I fought it and fought it. The ups and downs, the thinking I was UNSTOPPABLE to WORTHLESS all sometimes within a month period. My moods could change quickly. This is how bi-polar works.

Today I am grateful to know who I am. That I have a disorder. I can manage it and be happy and I am blessed beyond because I am aware that a life of moderation is a wonderful thing.

The Garlic Weeds

Ya I realize Garlic is NOT a weed. However the weeds at the ski resort yesterday sure made the mountain "stink!" One run, 19 inches or so...not so good! Our friends, oddly enough last name "Garlicks's" asked us to go and fools that we are, we geared up and went.

In this picture of many HAPPY skiers atop Targhee resort in Wyoming you would find both of our families scattered about. We started going there annually when our children were young. Now all of our children are grown and we generally "tag-a-long" with the Garlick's where ever they go. They know the best spots and are absolute animals when it comes to the outdoors. We always threaten to get in shape for the next round of activities and never follow through, but they seem to appease us and like us still. They have to wait for us (or at least me) quite often. I have had a lot of rather good excuses I thought...I'm working on my next one!

I have always loved the mountains. If I need peace this is where I go. It is also very easy for me to get lost in the complexities of life. But the true reality is, it is all very simple and I make it hard. Maybe it is just me, I don't know?

Just as we depend on nature for our own physical survival, we can depend on nature to show us the way home, out of our own thinking minds. I get lost in thinking, worrying, doing, remembering, anticipating, and it is all really ridiculous. Think about it this way, what has nature really taught us? The rocks, the weeds, the flowers, the animals already know how to just be! It sounds so simple and maybe it is? Maybe things are meant to be just a little more simple and that is why a visit to nature might help us to not be such "stinkers!"

Yellow Brick Roads

This is my husband and his best friend. It was my husbands birthday yesterday, maybe we are getting to the age (47) that he wouldn't want me to say how old he is! My husband is a very devoted friend and he loves to serve others. I am sure this is why he has been successful in our business, he truly loves people.

Dave is in Egypt working he will be returning home next summer. We met Dave when we moved into our first home 22 years ago. Our children were young; they had only one child, whom we now call our 4th child. He in fact comes to see us more than our own children!

We have shared many roads with Dave, like the ones to Vegas and California, even ones when we did not know where we were going! I don't believe we will be traveling to Egypt however. We have traveled roads of heartache for him, he has traveled them for us, for our children, and for other family members as well, this is what you do with lifetime friends.

I'm not exactly sure what it was that made me take my unconscious 8 month old child who had nearly drown in the tub to Dave's house, but he heard my screams from my house across the yard. He told me to call 911 and after Dave gave the first breath I started the rest of the CPR, which we were blessed enough to have a favorable outcome.

I cannot explain why some things work out and why they don't at other times. That same summer 20 years ago there were 2 other bath tub drowning's, one died, the other had severe brain damage. I felt guilty so many times and wondered why I was so lucky to have this perfect child. But you know we never know what is on our yellow brick road and at some time we have to meet the Oz...

A Blanket of Flowers for Every Season

This blanket of flowers is as it should be...beautiful, supreme, colorful. Whatever IS could not be otherwise. That does not always make life easier, but somehow understanding that there is purpose in all things helps. At least it does for me. In most cases, I believe we cannot begin to understand what role a seemingly senseless event may have within the vastness of the whole; there is interconnectedness in all things. Nothing that happens is an isolated event; it only appears to be. The more we judge and label it, the more we isolate it. I do believe that all things happen for a reason and that people come in and out of our lives to help us, teach us, and love us in different ways that we never could have experienced any other way.

This was an email I just received...it's beautiful and poignant.

Just as people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support. To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are...

They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Dreaming Daffodils

For some reason I have been privileged to dream of my deceased loved ones quite often. This becomes a great comfort to me for I can then remember details of their faces and also their voices. Most of the time I am having fun with them. Sometimes I feel as though I receive a message. Sometimes simple. Sometimes profound.

Last week I spoke to my Sister-in-Law (married to my brother who died 14 yrs ago). I told her I had dreamed of Dave (my brother) twice earlier that week. She told me that when you dream, you are with them in their realm. I like that thought; I'm going to keep it.

Last night I got to exchange a hug in a dream with one very special young 15 year old girl who was taken before her time. I put flowers on her grave that day, I believe some of them were daffodils. I just found out daffodils symbolize friendship. She is my very special friend.

I look forward to when I can hold my brother and her again and talk face to face. For now there are so many here that I love and cherish. Life is as it should be.