Toxic Medicine

I remember the days when i was always, and i mean always in a hurry. Even if i appeared calm on the outside, my head was telling my body it needed to DO more, which generally manifested itself in a lot of back pain. Oh sure there were medical/physical reasons for my pain, and the pain was absolutely real, but my stress level exacerbated it to a whole new level. And the pain medicine numbed the pain, but the pain always came back..

What i realize now is how my hurried life kept me in mental and physical pain, which kept me from having any real intimacy with the ones i love..which left me lonely..which was created by my own doing. Ahhhh, the vicious circle!

Intimacy--being vulnerable to someone can be one of the most frightening things we do--and certainly one of the most fulfilling experiences we can have in this life...if we dare. Those who are constantly in a hurry or preoccupied with DOing instead of Being, isolate themselves and often times alienate their relationships. I see the pursuit of constant achievement as just another addiction that keeps us in our own heads while missing what could be shared with another.

I think about all the many types of addictions that enslave us, whether they be drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling, shopping, eating, lying, as just Self Destructive Behaviors (what i call sdb's) that bring pain to ourselves..and what is doubly sad, to those we love and who love us.

Eckhart Tolle said that "every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain."I suppose our addictions, as well as our hurried and busy minds, are a means of self-medicating, but the medicine is almost always toxic!

I like the pace of my life now. I'm often busy but never in a hurry.

God's Warriors

I had a short email conversation with a good friend last night and his last words to me were.... 

“God gives the fiercest battles to His strongest warriors.” 

This past year two of my very best friends have lost children. I believe it goes without saying that to bury a child is not the natural succession of life, but it does happen, and trying to make sense of it is beyond this life’s understanding.

Recently I have read several books on NDE (near death experience). It has brought me peace and a faith that heaven is all around us and loved ones watch over us continually. I believe that there are no “coincidences” and if we allow life to unfold and willingly embrace the good and the bad, it is then that we realize everything has a purpose.

And so i say, if you have faced tragedy, loss, disappointment and fear, you have experienced what it is to be human, for i know no one who has not. Sometimes it may seem as though some face insurmountable challenges, and it is to those i say, "You Are God's Warrior's!" 

Weeds & Basics of Life

These are desperate-low-budget sugar-craving-last-resort cookies. I grew up on them, and they are great milk-dunkers; and you can fix them in a flash. I may polish off the whole plate...and if i do I won't punish myself like i have in days gone by.

I am now better at recognizing good guilt--knowing you can do better for yourself, i.e., recognizing your SDB's (self destructive behavior), and bad guilt--holding yourself to some unattainable expectation. It certainly is easy to get lost in the pursuit of happiness substitutes. I suppose we are all working on the same things, to feel good, or better than...(whatever we measure something against)???

Regrets? Sure I have a few. I seem to be sitting right smack dab in the middle of raised children and witnessing my parents getting older, even my invincible dad getting  cancer. It makes you think a bit. When I talk to Dad now it's open dialogue, nothing is held back, everything is precious, serious talks, laughter and an occasional tear or two. We usually stick to laughter, oh the laughter and teasing, it's the best medicine...

I don't believe anyone ever woke up one day and said "today is the day I'm determined to do something I'm going to regret!" It seems stupid, yet we punish, ruminate, and try to find some type of explanation or blame for dumb or hurtful things that are in the past.

My awareness with each year hopefully improves? These are the life lessons...and we either get it or we don't.

Happiness becomes a choice, and the journey isn't over till it's over. Life lessons come  full circle and are always  poignant when willing to learn.

One of my favorite movies is about C.S. Lewis' life, called Shadowlands. He profoundly quoted, "pain is part of the deal."  Pain teaches us to embrace each relationship and its special meaning in our lives.

No regrets... Each day is a blessing, of beautiful wildflowers 

and weeds. 

If we look we can find plenty of beauty in weeds too.

Your Right to be Happy

I was given some kind of label, or diagnosis as it seems 8 years ago. They call it bipolar.
I give little attention to it now, simply because I am faithful to my 2 med's and I am knowledgeable about mental illness. I am cognizant of triggers and keep myself healthy by managing my illness, much like a diabetic manages their illness. I believe there are many who may live happier lives if they would pay attention to their own life; i.e. have awareness of their own behavior. People in general are awfully judgmental towards another. That may sound quite judgmental in and of itself, it's not meant to be. Shouldn't we pay more attention to our own business and life, keeping our own lives in check, rather than casting opinions towards how others live?

I find it interesting how some people have so much time to worry and talk about other people and their choices, yet they don't take time to examine their own. How many times have I said, "walk a mile in somebody...ahh, you can finish the rest.

On my drive home from work tonight i spoke to T.J., he was out having fun with some friends. Our conversation was delightful and with a cheery attitude he said, "my house caught on fire, my dog's died, my grandpa got cancer and my parents are getting divorced, but I can still get out and have fun, life goes on." It almost sounds like a country song.

Life teaches us many things and it certainly changes. Sometimes we don't choose those changes. Sometimes those changes hurt, they hurt a lot; but we can choose to carry on and we can choose the high road. The road that leads in the direction that will take us to greener pastures or so that is usually our plan. Optimism is always the best plan. I've never known a happy pessimist. I'm trying to give up being Right, I just wanna be Happy.

Fall is my Nature

I for one am glad this summer is over! It has been a ROCKY one and there was not a single hike included with those rocks.

One positive note, my skin is thanking me for it actually saw very little of the sun. I suppose I was what you could almost call, a shut-in. Oh that sounds awful and it was for the most part. How much of it was situational and how much was chemical? Hard to say, but I've had experience with both and there was a lot going on for me on both ends.

Here are some things I learned:

1. You can't hurry through pain, you can't bury it and you can't go around it.
2. It takes an immense amount of self discipline to let things be.
3. Letting go is hard.
4. Forgiving is hard.
5. You can think too much, say too much, write too much, but rarely can you listen too much.

When I Fall...I Fall hard. It is not my nature to do things half way.

But I always get up...

Shadowland of Gray

I believe life comes full circle. Look for the parallels as to who we are, what we are here to learn and everything around us and you will find them. Look for the meaning in the shadows. Everything is not meant to be so obvious.

Does love mean never having to say you're sorry? I doubt that! Ali McGraw, you were wrong! Love hurts. And the circles go round and round. We make choices and we live with them. Sometimes we can change them, sometimes we cannot. How often we find this true in life. We fear love so much when it is there for the taking, then when it is stolen from us we have so many regrets. Youthful love, raising children, aging parents, death. Why love if losing hurts so much?

I believe C.S. Lewis said it best when he said, "the pain now is part of the happiness, that's the deal. " He said this after losing his wife to cancer. He had closed his heart to any kind of true intimacy with anyone until his wife was struck with cancer. Why is it that often times it takes some kind of tragedy to really become vulnerable and love openly?