Vulnerability and Trust

I'm in this really odd space in time, reaching to define myself, getting in touch with my greatness at the same time excavating how honest i am with myself and others. Trying to get real with why i do the things i do, and checking myself for my truthfulness and purpose. It's hard stuff...AND awesome living...

I have honest--sometimes painful people in my life that help me be a better me! I gravitate to those who make me feel good. Do you do the same? I write about these things for me, and desire for you as you read, to look at yourself by connecting with my words from your personal stand point.

When I am uncomfortable I stay with it until it is resolved on my part. The part I own in a relationship is my own, the other persons part is theirs. My natural knowing draws me to those who are being real, being real with me and with themselves, it's easier to reciprocate when there is equity in a relationship.

I don't have to be in charge anymore. Control was something I was brought up with and giving it up is freedom. I am being me by allowing and loving those around me to be exactly who they are...again, freedom...
...for everyone.

Relationships are what life is made of, and why we are motivated to do what we do. And TRUST is the foundation.

Tomorrow's Surprises!

A year and a half ago on May 9, 2011 i wrote a blog titled "Until Tomorrow." My closing statement was "I don't know what's ahead, no one ever does, but i trust and move forward with complete faith and optimism for what ever the future holds is..... "as it should be."

Three months later, August 20th, i posted another blog as a follow up entitled "It's Tomorrow."
Little could i fathom the twists and turns, falls and surprises my life would take...

A week or so after my first post "Until Tomorrow" i was sitting in our living room when my husband of 27 years approached me about my indifference towards him and said "we should get a divorce." I agreed. There was little discussion or fighting by then. He had scheduled a few sessions of marriage counseling some years prior, too much, too little, too late, i was exhausted. I'm sure he was exhausted as well, at least for a couple of months.


He went to stay at a nephews cabin for a couple of weeks. I then chose to move out of our home of 18 years. I felt it was the best decision for all concerned. Four months later it was necessary for me to move again; into a 3 room space in my fathers building above my business. It's a comfy place and i now call it home.

My home one year ago 

My living room

My bathroom

My bedroom

Those were some tough, albeit funny times and I'm grateful this Christmas season to not be living amongst a construction zone and sleeping on an air bed. Although PAC loved the obstacle course it provided....

I've always said "you can do anything if you know there's an end in sight." One year ago i had spunk, stamina, guts...and i had no idea what tomorrow's would bring. Like i said, none of us do...

I've come a long way baby from that dusty disaster! I love sleeping on a mattress and I love my jetted tub i got on KSL for $400 bucks. I also laugh about the night i woke up after, who knows how many hours, as i had fallen asleep on that toilet. My long legs worked very nice as a pillow that night.

I hate pity, I hate people to feel sorry for me or for anyone, for that dis empowers all of us. Compassion, empathy, Yes! Entitlement, whining--I've seen the victim role played out in so many ways i could gag; and I've played it before, and I discovered this profound truth, it produces NOTHING! Surprise!

Other profound truths: ...nothing is fair about: unexpected or unexplained death of a loved one or divorce. I've experienced both and it does not matter how you slice it or dice it...if hurts! You love someone and they're gone, at least from this life = PAIN. And if you've been through death or divorce and you did not hurt you are one cold person or you're in denial. Now none of this means you cannot pick up the pieces and have a good life or even a better life? Heavens no! Suffering is necessary--until it is unnecessary (you have to think about that).

People pretend all the time...and i have no problem with the motto "fake it till you make it!" I also have come to know "you think you know people, and then they surprise you!" This year has been full of SURPRISES!

As i wondered back on May 9, 2011---

 3 questions to examine:

What's important to you?
What motivates you?
What do you fear the most?

i'll add 3 more questions this year:

What disappointments have you endured this year?
What surprised you about this disappointment, i.e. did you not expect this to happen?
What have you learned about your experience(s)?

After the experiences of 2011/12 I've learned a LOT! I hope your experiences have done the same for you.

Things change. People change (and sometimes they don't). You accept it/them, or you Don't. But move on, We Must.

I hope you do examine these questions-- and you live true...

 

Something

Something about this song always woos me. It has since loving it in the 70's.

I think i get it now.

Discomfort from PAC the PUP

everywhere he's not supposed to be, yet he's a pup in training, these things take time

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or  truer answers.

M. Scott Peck

Last night at approximately 45 minutes prior to the first PAC 12 kick off game at the Rice Eccles stadium the University of Utah Utes hosted Montana State. i wanted to be part of the festivities as i am a student and fan (without tickets to the game) so i took my dog Zion and my new grandog PAC on a walk--destination: MUSS section touted as one of the best college crowds in the country,  to join the crowd and meet up with my kids. PAC the effervescent American/English Bulldog PUP did rather well walking beside Zion in his newly purchased red (albeit too big) harness.

Grandmog was quite pleased, then it happened, we are outside the stadium and the band begins to pound on the percussion; and PAC starts into some fit of panic and squirming unfamiliar to me and certainly uncomfortable to bystanders as no one seems to come to the aid of the funny lady battling with one out of control dog and one completely disinterested yet well-behaved dog.  Hummm?

I shuffled PAC as far away from the sound, which happened to be on the curb of 5th South, certainly not a quiet street being shortly before the biggest game ever to be hosted at the stadium. "OK! Where is the DOG WHISPERER?!"
 

PAC's "Dog Whisperer" Dad Tan

I think to myself "calm and assertive." I hold PAC closely to my body and calmly rock him. Zion is basically nonchalantly acting..."as IF PAC, get a hold of yourself, we are in public and you are making a FOOL out of all of us, especially yourself!" She patiently stands close and waits. One man does stoop down and said to me, "you have a scared puppy there?" I say, "yes." He leaves, this is no time for dog chit chat. I cannot loose my focus i must hold on to this pup for if i don't i take the chance of him darting across this busy street and getting loose or much worse he could get hit by a car...cause an accident.


 I look up and low and behold a UofU VIP bus is slowing in front of me on the road and i pick that pup up (all 30 squirming lbs) of him, Zion faithfully following me no matter where i go. Driver sees my determination to get on that bus no matter what, he opens the door and i say "i need a ride, just a block or two or i'm going to lose control of this nervous pup." The driver is not so amused. But the VIP's on the bus are kind and inquisitive to my darling scared grandog and we enjoy dog talk for less than 5 minutes, and i am in safety zone past the heavy sound of percussion.  We have control, not calm, but at least control.

but can i trust you?

I seem to find myself in these predicaments at times and then i look for the lessons and it is summed up in this...PAC and I learned to trust one another during that time. We were both uncomfortable for a time, but through that trust we found a way to work through a situation that could have turned out unfavorably. We bonded that much more and for that i am even more crazy about that pup. i expect our relationship to continue to grow. that's how it works, risk, put it out there, trust, learn, grow, move forward, repeat. When i think about it the alternative is to retreat, think he is too much work or give up. When unconditional love is the prize it's worth some discomfort, and searching for different ways could be exactly what the PAC needs.

contentment after the discomfort

Politics!

Osama Bin Laden is dead, or is he? Interesting stuff? Yes. Does it matter? Yes. Can you believe everything you hear?

I'm NO more inclined to talk politics now, (even though it is my minor) than I was years before...for these reasons: 

• depending on one's vantage point ideas and beliefs differ 
• the dogma often times becomes so strong you cannot hear the facts above the opinion and emotion
• we often only know the facts that support our viewpoint
• who can you trust to report the "truth"
• if what is being reported politically is repetitive or sensationalized its just media  
• I have more constructive things to do than hate everything about what is going on in my country and the world

 For the record I don't trust or believe everything I hear or read, but what does it really matter in your life? What matters in the big scheme of things to me, is my part and contribution as a citizen and holistic entity to the world is, am I doing MY best?

When you are in school facebook is a required course of distraction. It's convenient to pop in and read a brainless news feed. It is rather addictive when a professor is droning on...yes even for the "non-trad's." One of my "friends" on facebook went on a four letter tirade towards the government about Bin Laden, which yes we have free speech, but if one is SO unhappy and upset, maybe one should change. Many borders are open into other countries. Just saying.

We don't have all the answers. Politically, personally, this is a life journey, and we work on getting the most out of it that we can. One step at a time.

Seriously, I Whisper to My Dogs

I love the Dog Whisperer. I pretty much think Cesar Milan rocks. Not because of his beautiful white teeth or the way he snaps his fingers and dogs obey, but because he is spiritually in tune with a deeper connection of life. Am I crazy (don’t answer that), or what?

But seriously, if you watch this show enough times, and really watch it and learn, you will catch this inner connection of nature and nurture, you will see the way in which our energy influences so much around us…and most of the time, we as humans are completely unaware!

So we have our 3 dogs, Zion the privileged princess, who is my dog that I hate to admit, wears designer clothes and a personalized bling bling collar. Then there is Dozer, my faithful patrolling granddog that would not hurt a flea, yet I will admit has scared half the neighborhood so much that I had to rescue him from the pound after one overly dramatic mother got carried away and called animal control. She apparently had not been “Dozer Savvy” at the time. And then there is Roxee, she is Dozer’s responsibility in life, for which he shuttles her out to potty and follows her around to make sure his 65 pounds is protecting her deviant 12 lbs.! This is difficult, she picks fights on anything that is two to five hundred times her size. Big dogs, horse and such, she will leap out of car windows if they look at her wrong. We have had some scenes with this special needs pup. So we have had partial to full custody of the two Yeawhos for the past few years while Disneyland Dog Dad is still filling his oats. It keeps the house full and we love the nurturing opportunities as we patiently wait for the grandchildren to come along…



Dozer dominating Roxee to get what he wants in the "pre" Dog Whisperer days.






Now back to Cesar…last episode he was dealing with an “unbalanced dog” named Chloe from Boston. She and her owner make the trip to go to the dog psychology center as a last stitch effort in hopes of saving her. The dog has been traumatized and whenever she encounters other dogs she bites her owner. I won’t go into a play by play of the episode, but what I found fascinating was after Cesar worked with her, Chloe the dog did this little dance, he recognized it as her fully surrendering to the pack. Chloe wanted to play and be a part of the pack. She trusted in Cesar and shortly thereafter trusted the pack. Cesar immediately pulled the leash off after she did this adorable little dance, which to a lay person they may not have caught what she was doing, but in the replay you definitely caught the playfulness of her behavior. Cesar's quick reaction to allow her to enjoy and become part of the pack was exactly what Chloe needed to release her fears. She ran playfully with the other dogs with sheer enjoyment. Her owner sat in disbelief! Cesar explained how he had to honor the dogs body language and reward her immediately for she had let go of her fears.

Cesar says, “I rehabilitate dogs, I train people.” I think that is hilarious, because in every instance we always think that something is WRONG with the dog, but dogs react to us as humans. We as humans must lead dogs with a calm and aggressive manner for the dogs to be happy and balanced.

I see parallels in this as we relate to one another as people. I believe we feel one anothers energy a great deal, but do not acknowledge it in our brains. I also believe IF we reacted in calm and confident manners to many situations we would have favorable outcomes. I replaced aggressive with confident on purpose. So that is the “lesson” in this blog…you have to think about it…

Just so you know the progress with Dozer and Roxee, Dozer is no longer chasing little kids and knocking them down to steal their stuffed animals, yes, all I have to do is calmly say “HEY!” And Roxee no longer charges the TV when animals come on the screen. Her favorite show is the Dog Whisperer too. In the beginning she had to lie on her back on the couch next to me to watch the show (a tip from Cesar which calms dogs). She now is able to sit right next to me (and sit on her haunch she does) while we watch. If she starts shaking and gets a little excited, I just lean over and, I whisper to her! What do I say? That’s between Roxee and me.
This is Roxee pre "Dog Whisper" days (2009) attacking another dog on TV, we've come along way baby!

Spring to Summer to Fall, but Where?

Last Fall I took a LOA (leave of absence) from my business, Phazes Salon & Day Spa of which I had been giving heart and soul to for 21 years. This past August marked our 22nd year in business. We opened in Ogden, Utah in 1987. Our second location opened in Kaysville, Utah in May 1995 and we finally were able to retire from paying rent to a landlord when we built this magnificent building and moved in 3 years ago. Designing, planning, and decorating the building all while still keeping up with normal business was a labor of love, albeit exhausting!

The first 6 months of my LOA was caught up in another business with my sister, therefore no R&R was to be had. Sherry has continued on with the business and is a fine entrepreneur in her own right. I got plenty of rest this Summer and now Fall is here and I wonder...what do I want to be when I grow up???

I am 46, no Spring Chicken anymore. Some days are good, Summer NOT! Do "they" consider 40's to be the Autumn of your life? or am I just getting started?!

Well, I must Find Another Place to Fall. I love being an entrepreneur, frankly I'm not sure I could work for anyone, but I would be a great employee. Maybe that doesn't make any sense...but it does to me! I could stay home and live the leisurely life...that doesn't make sense to me!!!

I have many interests and one in particular in mind, but time will tell. One thing I have learned is to try to let things BE for awhile and see what comes of it. Experience tells me that God has done more with my life than I have ever done for myself. I have not always been so good at patience and trust...I am learning.

Yes I could go back and plunge into Phazes, but what would really be the point? It is operating without me. I'm on the board! HA! What more could I want? It has been said, "What are you willing to let go of, to get what you want?"

Letting go of Phazes was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and yet it was really just a job. My identity, my passions, my creativity, so many things were all wrapped up in it, but that was just IT, I was all wrapped up in it!

My passion has, is and always will be helping people. If there is any Falling to be done, I hope it is others into MY arms, and that my arms are strong, loving and compassionate enough to hold them.

For everything there is a Season and a Time...

White Masks We Hide Behind

Not so sure my son would be happy about me posting this pic of the little home facial that I'm giving him, but I'm betting he never really knows about it!

I'm an esthetician by trade, a mother by heart, a friend by soul, and a human by nature. I've put a lot of masks as an esthetician on people over the years to hydrate, oxygenate, moisturize and energize. But my personal favorite is the kaolin clay mask. This type of a mask dries on the skin and helps to purge the pores of all the debris that has been trapped that causes you to break out.

Over the years as I have performed many facials on people my rewards were always so far beyond the temporal gains because of the way I was able to share and relate with so many people. There was often times more purging of the soul than purging of the pores. Not exactly sure how, or why, but people often trusted me early and often. I am grateful for that and I feel they had every reason, for I cared very deeply for them and I never broke a confidence.

After being in the beauty industry for over 25 years now I have now moved to a different sector of business. I learned very early in the beauty industry that beauty was just about having the skills and the know how to put it all together. I guess when I think of all the years I spent in our salon, the work I am most proud of is that if I lifted someones spirits enough so that they felt as though they were beautiful and worthwhile just as they are...no mask necessary...no makeup, no hairstyle...no nothin'. In fact I love them that much more, more purely and easily when they didn't have to be perfect.

We wear a lot of masks in our lives. We don't recognize that we do. I believe we have to wear many different hats in our lives, the chauffeur hat, the chefs hat--I liked my dog trainer hat, but why so many masks? Do the masks we wear beget themselves from fear derived from within ourselves (internally) or outside (externally)? Personally speaking mine have come from both. My awareness of these particularly recently and my desire to clean my face has helped me to work on breaking free. It's a scary thing. I have come to realize how comfortable certain masks are. Just as a blanket is when it is cold.

Here are some lines from a song that I love...
Another Place to Fall by--KT Tunstall
There isn't much more I can say
For I don't understand the delay
You're asking for friendly advice
And remaining in permanent crisis
Affection is yours if you ask
But first you must take off your MASK
When you're back's turned I've decided I'll throw it away just like I did

I wash my face every day. Actually twice a day, I still break out. I still use a white kaolin clay mask too and I have other masks because I fear, I fear a lot of things...but I'm working on it.

Plum Tired

Are people what they really seem to be or not? I suppose for the most part I trust that people are good. But by nature we protect and cater to our own needs, wants and desires before others. Ahh, you immediately get defensive? Try to play the martyr? Don't play me for the fool! I am just as human as the rest of you!

Do I set myself up to be hurt? Is it because I love deeply that I feel this pain? This week was a hard week. I felt like I got kicked in the stomach by people I trusted. For all intents and purposes there was no reason for me to take these circumstances personal. It was not about me! People need to do what is best for them and I respect that. Sometimes the systems by which we operate are set up to be hurtful.

One thing I know I have grown to be is someone who looks at all sides, or at least I try to. It is not a perfect world. But I try to look at things from the other persons vantage point. Once I can do this, understanding and compassion usually sets in and my heart softens.

I still get tired, in fact plum tired. My mind races, I work sometimes around the clock. My life is full. Sure I get disappointed, but I then try to see the other side of things and find some rose colored glasses and go on...