Happily Ever After

Holidays can be hard for so many people. I've had my share of down in the dumps Christmases where i didn't want to get out of bed. Four years ago i had no job, T.J. had fired me (temporarily), flat broke, no driver's license and no Kevin.

I watch the Hallmark Christmas shows and wonder, how many places look so perfect with ribbon and lights and bows? How many people are young and fit, rich, down on their luck, only to have everything in the end fall in to place? Hallmark can make a great story line of love being resisted, only to end up professing love in the end, and everyone lives happily ever after...

Well, maybe, just maybe if you believe, really project to the universe that you are and can be happy, and never, ever quit trying, it can and will happen.

Last year at this time i was approved for TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) treatments for bipolar depression. I was fortunate enough to have sought out an insurance company that would cover my treatments at the tune of about $25,000.00, my out of pocket was about $1,500.00.

I had 34, 3 minute treatments in the Spring and truly i feel my brain chemistry has changed. I have submitted to my insurance to have some follow up treatments simply because i have had some tough days; but nothing like the past 30 years.

My depression has been since as young as grade school where i would tell my mom i was sick and she would let me stay home from school. Fighting the black dog became a constant by the time i was in my thirties. 

My brother passed away in a tragic car accident when i was 30. My parents had divorced only a short time prior to my brother's death. our family had forever changed. These circumstances in my family really took a toll on me.

I am sure my brother had bipolar depression as well. But at that time we were so ignorant of the illness. I was not diagnosed with bipolar depression until i was 40. Then came the challenge of finding medications that helped. When i got a new doctor or therapist, they would ask what meds i have tried. I replied, "let's start with what meds i have NOT tried."

I have a library of books on mental illness, addiction and self-help. Positive thinking, really controlling your thoughts go a long way in preventing the blues. Not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future is such a key in staying happily present in your life. Living in the now is a discipline, and one that goes a long way in mental health. And sometimes i just wake up and my brain is foggy, my body feels heavy, my thoughts easily turn to the negative and i am right back there entertaining the black dog in my body and mind. Maybe you can relate? Some people can't and never will.

I have spent many days in bed in my life trying to shut out the pain, only to be alone with my thoughts that perpetuated the sadness. Working with TJ my son has been a godsend because he is so adamant that i get up every day and go to work. Getting my mind from spinning out of control has taught me that lying in bed worsens my mood. So, i now push through it and life truly is better.

There are so many more treatments for mental health now than ever. Ketamine treatments are also proving to be a great influence for happiness in the brain.

I will be 60 years old next year. I have worked six days a week for the last nearly eight years. I just took a 2 week cruise in the South America sun with the love of my life, Kevin, my oldest son TJ and his family. Never have i taken a 2 week vacation in my life and it gave me some time to think and really decompress from the worries and stresses that have accumulated in my body for years. I exercised, listened to some powerful books and thoroughly enjoyed being present with 2 of my 4 grandsons.

 I haven't been around young children for that amount of time since i was a young mother. When i was a young mother i had heavy responsibilities that would take my mind out of the present. Now, with grandchildren, and my life settled with love and financial prosperity it is much easier to live each moment being present. 

I saw each one of my grandsons yesterday. All were happy and content and surrounded by love. My boys are wonderful fathers. Their wives incredible mothers.

If this holiday you feel alone know that life can change, and it can change for the better. Most of it is allowing life to be as it is and accept what is. So much resistance to life will never amount to anything good. So often in this country, because of what social media and pressure to keep up with the Joneses puts upon us can keep us down. Control your thoughts, your thoughts are what make your life. You are what you think, and taking inventory of those thoughts will put you in the right direction.

Bad brain chemistry is real, but you can fight it, or accept it as it is and decide to help yourself in any way possible. Search out new treatments, search out new medications that may help you. Talk to a counselor or trusted friend. Eat better, sleep better, move your body more. All of these things DO make a difference. They may not "cure" you, but they go a long way in keeping you out of bed and out of self pity. Life can be good, even when it's not. Just go travel to third world country where poverty prevails. You will see a lot of sadness, but you will also see a lot of happiness. Generally speaking, you will always find what you are looking for. One thing for sure, if you see yourself as a victim, you will never be happy. You may have been victimized in your life, you do not have to be a victim.

It is Christmas day. If you are alone, if you are sad, i urge you to get out a journal and write down everything you are grateful for. Write down what you want your life to look like, and be realistic, and then start living as if that life is real...before you know it, it will be! We can live happily ever after, try it!

In Acapulco with Bode (always screwing off for pictures) and our little wild Cobee

Treatment and Hope for Depression

 The results are in!..or at least i hope they are.

Two months ago i began an all out effort to treat my dark depressive episodes. I had begun TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) and an 8 week meditation course.

Shortly after i started this i really started feeling better. Call it placebo, or whatever, but the fact is i did feel and believe good things were to come of my efforts.

I finished TMS this week after having 34 treatments. I did get used to the procedure and was able to finish with the goal of 72 as the most effective measurement. I started at 51. I used music to distract me from the discomfort of the treatment, and 3 minutes would go by rather fast.

I was given a survey on a regular basis to monitor and measurme my mood, my sleeping and my eating habits. I started out pretty low and finished with stellar results. I do feel different, i just do not know how to explain it.

There is a differnce between chemical and situational depression. Situational depression will improve as circumstances in life improve. Chemical depression comes on, triggered by what?..sometimes nothing. I could feel the difference. Chemical depression shattered all hope and enjoyment out of life for no particular reason.

I'm not sure what the future brings but i am now hopeful that the crushing depressive episodes from my past are gone. Time will tell.

EMDR has been (still having sessions), interesting. My first session was emotionally draining. Subsequent sessions have been ok. The goal is to reprocess traumatic events from the past and let them go. I can honestly say that i do not live in the past any longer. When i think of my past i have good and bad memories. I'm sure everyone is that way. The painful things in my past are just part of my story and i can let it be in the past. For the most part i do not harbor bad feelings towards many...there are still a couple. I am working on that.

Meditation is absolutely AWESOME! I look forward to getting in bed every night and just, well just having a present awareness of my body, my breathing and my thoughts. Meditation is not about not thinking because thoughts just naturally come and go, but it's different when you are in a meditative state. You let the thought go and then revert your thought back to a present awareness of your body. I do a 33 minute body scan. Sometimes i fall asleep. My goal each night is to relax and be in a grateful state of mind for my life.

The final thing that i have added to my life is nightly devotionals with my love, Kevin. We read from 4 books each night. Jesus Calling, Jesus Listens, Stillness Speaks and the Bible. This gives us time to connect with each other and connect with our Higher Power, God.

I'm happy. I'm hopeful and in the best place i have ever been with my business and with my relationships with my loved ones and with myself.

Depression: Do you get it?

I have struggled to get out of bed the past two months. Pushing myself to take care of business has been daunting. I am blessed to have a staff that is supportive and understanding of both my situation and my chemical challenges. Situational depression is one thing, chemical depression is altogether another. It invades my thoughts, my ability to rationalize and takes away hope. If you have experienced this you understand. If not you will be critical, think that if she "ate better, exercised, took vitamins, prayed harder, went to church, wasn't getting divorced, worked more, worked less, wasn't going to school, just went to school and gave up her business, gave up school and just ran her business, got in the outdoors, will feel better when it's summer, reached out more"...and on and on and on it goes. The advice and know-it-all-do-gooder's are endless. I appreciate them. They mean well. 

Mangy damned black dog

Everyone has an opinion, everyone has good intentions of what another SHOULD do with their lives. I take no offense, they're probably right, I've tried them all! And I still seem to catch this damned black dog. Hate him, loathe him, fear him much much more than death...but endure him I shall!

For those of you who now, or any time in the past, have experienced depression in any degree, my deepest love and compassion goes out to you. I get it and this too shall pass.

Zion. Look at the compassion in her eyes. By my side for 9 years.

My only advice today, get a dog. ;) Good for the soul, depression or not.

The Frustrations of Dozer

If this doesn't make you smile...maybe you're depressed. Dozer's Dad, T.J., is on vacation, somewhere on some coast in Mexico, spear fishing... I think Dozer likes staying at Grandmog's house, but something just had to give, and it was his ole' pal Bobo...

Sometimes ya just gotta do what ya gotta do!

Quality of LIfe Question

Woah, I'm glad that's over. Stomach virus hit both Tandin and me early Monday morning, just to welcome in a new semester of school. Kell had to leave work early on Friday, the darn bug had caught him there. And he thought he'd share with the other family members.

I cannot lie...was happy to lose a few lbs. Ridiculous.

I'm usually immune to stomach stuff, head problems are more my weakness. I can catch a headache any day of the week, but pass by when Kell has been laid out cold with the sweats...not this one. I'm a wimpy baby when it comes to nausea and things spinning when they're not supposed to. Laying by the toilet on cold tile, I just hate it. 

But let me share some insights as I laid in bed physically sick for 2 days:

1) Lying in bed is awful and days are long when your mind wants to get out of bed but your body won't let you.

2) Physical sickness is awful, but because there is usually an end in sight and you somewhat understand what is going on, you have more acceptance and others compassion.

3) If you are depressed (emotionally/mentally sick) and you cannot get out of bed, (do NOT judge this if you have never been there, you WON'T get it,) you cannot get out of bed physically, mentally, emotionally. You wish you could and you hate yourself for not being able to and it is a vicious circle.

4) This type of depression is so painful and so covert and many may not even recognize it for what it is. As a nation depression has been stigmatized as being weak. That is a myth.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from any type of depression here is my advise:

• treated yourself kindly 
• be aware of your SELF
• take inventory of your sdb's (self destructive behaviors) 
• reach out for some type of social support 
• be open to different medicinal approaches whether anti-depressants or naturopathic  
• seek professional help

If you ignore depression or any prolonged feelings of sadness, what quality of life do you have...and why are you not addressing it? Denial is not a coping mechanism; it's a cop out. I know, I've done it.

3 Degress of Depression Part II

Many years ago, during my first round of college I had a professor teach me about the I-BEAM. He asked what would you cross an I-beam for if it were spanned 1,000 feet in the air between two tall buildings? Would you cross it for a million dollars? Would a million dollars be worth risking your life? What if it was for a loved one in need?

I believe most of us would not give it a second thought and would be on our way to the other side. What if that one in need was actually you?

Can you recognize when you need help? Many people needlessly suffer because of living in denial? Or as I have said before… sometimes you just don’t know what you don’t know. Awareness is key to living joyfully, if you have experienced any type of situational or chemical depression research shows that laughter really can be one of the very best medicines of all!

In our family we laugh at ourselves. You can choose to laugh or cry and it is a whole lot healthier to laugh and poke a little fun at things that hit close to home.  Kelly, my husband and I have been in the service business for a long time now and we have some great memories of dumb things we say… or ignorant things others say. Here’s one for the records-- 

 

Kelly’s was in the middle of coloring a ladies hair in our salon, and for some reason women have a tendency to bare their sole (and other things I might add) while this good looking man (my husband!) makes them look great. No doubt he encounters several TMI (too much information) situations regularly.  Well, Mrs. “Whogit” went on and on to Kelly about how “crazy” and how much she disliked her daughter-in-law because she was bi-polar and she did all kinds of strange things and she was hoping her son would divorce her.  Kelly stayed silent until she had finished her story and then politely said, “My wife is bi-polar…”

I have had similar situations, sometimes I set them straight, and sometimes I wait for them to leave and I have a good belly laugh about the ignorance of the my dearly departed “friend.”

They say Ignorance is Bliss? Huh?

The 3 degrees of depression Part 1

The more you know, the more you realize you don't know. I just finished three semesters of college at 47 years old. Now here is one thing I do know: when you experience things first person, second person, and then third person in MANY different circumstances, under many different situations you CAN BEcome familiar with something and possibly give it some clarification and description. Here is my attempt at that...

I rank depression in two categories, chemical and situational; and in the three differing degrees.  Situational is something that has happened in your life that brings you down. Chemical is the “feel good” chemicals in your brain are just not working properly . If you think that this is not possible there is plenty of research to prove this. I refer you to this site to learn more about it.

Now for my three degrees:

The glOOm: a grey cloud has settled over you, you don’t feel like yourself, but you still push yourself through life and get through your responsibilities. It is no way to live! And there is help for you! Many people live like this and it could be caused by a chemical imbalance. Family history of mental illness is an  indicator, hence the problem, no one has wanted to talk about mental illness. times are changing.

As more research develops and the realization is coming forth that the brain sometimes does malfunction in the mood centers. Huh?!

The Black dog: Winston Churchill coined this phrase. I use it to describe when I can’t get out of bed because I am so depressed. If I “crash,” it is because I have physically exhausted myself (this goes along with bi-polar) because I have been a little on the high side and I am paying for it and have to sleep off my over exertion. If I am manic for long periods of time, the phrase goes, “what ever goes UP must come down!” The BLACK DOG sets in and the feeling of despair sets in. For those who suffer from uni-polar depression the black dog can set in and the feelings of worthlessness and lack of pleasure for anything sits on top of you like a stinky mangy black dog and there does not seem to be any reason why. When there is no reason why, this is chemical. If there has been a tragedy, such as a death, divorce, loss of income and such the black dog may set in for a short time, but situations change and the mangy guy leaves.

The abYss: I don’t even like to address the abyss, because for those of you who have been there, bringing back any of those memories, well, it is just downright painful. This is when you are on the bottom of the ocean, and you have no desire to save yourself. You need help professionally and you need it quickly. You have people that love and care about you…even if it feels as though you don’t! Reach out!!! It’s hard, but it IS worth it and you have the courage because I care about you because I have been there a time or two. 

A friend told me the other day that on the average children laugh 400 times per day and adults laugh 14 times per day, and that we adults better GET WITH IT!

Living Life through the CRAP

I know just how you feel.

Sometimes only my dog gets it.

I have had the distinct pleasure, or the awful curse (depends on how you look at it) to spend a lot of hours in bed…more than the average bear (or dog). I’m a SOCIAL creature, yet as circumstances would have it, either my brain or my body just does not always cooperated to my liking. I have been criticized/judged for this at times, yet my doctor was wise when he said “who would CHOOSE to stay in bed?” There are some who think that depression is "all in your head?" Uh, Exactly. Your brain chemistry is off, and it makes your feel like crap, just like when your pancreas is off and you're a diabetic, you feel like crap. Huh, that's weird?

I certainly would never choose to stay in bed, I loathe it, it’s a painful place to be…I have places to go, people to see, life to experience. But if your body revolts and your brain is foggy, well, as I have said before…”you try it, and walk a mile..........”

During the past year I have felt very little depression, but I have felt a good share of exhaustion. Exhaustion to the point my muscles hurt and my energy is zapped (no i don't have fibromyalgia). Life expects a lot sometimes and I’m not so good at monitoring or quiting when I’m just tired. I pay a high price for my excessiveness, but my thoughts, my extra feel good chemicals when I am 'ewe manic' drive me on. My aspirations and expectations about life are high. It’s not about the high life. I gave up caring about “things” when my ego was busted years back. Sure I love nice things, but being nice and caring about other people is what makes life worth living and drives me.

I have responsibilities. It happens by the time we are approaching 50, there's a lot of STUFF. But life happens one day at a time, one moment at a time…and keeping perspective of those days and those moments…even when a tear is shed and then there is laughter that follows—life is happening. And it is all in the journey and the journey is really beautiful, for it is the simple things that count…

Meet Lucy Lu

Soooo…here is a little thing...meet my new grandog, Lucy! Our new little Red Boston, is laying in her Daddy’s arms (yes, Disneyland Dog DAD now has THREE). Seriously Three!  It looks as if Roxee and Lucy will do just fine together.

It's safe out here! Come on girls.

And where is Dozer?  If I have three guesses, he’s either out patrolling the neighborhood, thinking he's got to protect his brood, or hiding under the bed because he got in trouble. He gets gas and Disneyland Dad doesn't like it...or he taking he nap witt he love dog BOBO. Yep, he loving he BOBO! Ahhh. Love my puppies...almost as much as my kids.


I changed my kids diapers and I'm not above helping to potty training Lucy Lu, in fact I stepped right in her CRAP just yesterday. Sometimes life just stinks. And we cry and then we laugh, but we must choose to live.

Headaches, Homework, and Cancer, Part II

I don’t care how many holidays go by. I miss him. We all miss him. This is the 16th and Dave’s name always comes up around the Thanksgiving table and most definitely if we play games. He won monopoly even if he HAD to cheat, Dave won. DAD wants to win the battle of “incurable stage 4” cancer. He CAN win the battle. None of us win the final war, which is OK, I have no doubt Dave is doing just fine, and it will be a good reunion when we all join him.

What gives me headache number 15 since Friday is all the not knowing.

“How sick will he be on chemo? Why does this happen? How does this happen?










Why has this stabbing pain now moved from behind my eyes to my chest?


Does he want Dozer to come over? He comforts me.


Why do I have to be strong?






Maybe Zion would be the better Dog? I would give her up. She lies with me for hours when I am hurting. If Zion goes to Dad's I need to go, I don't sleep well without Zion. No matter, I'm not sleeping much.

No Roxee is the only dog for the job, she understands pain and suffering, she IS the LOVE dog, Rondy would LOVE ROXEE!








AND how does chemo really REALLY work?”

Fear. And then we face it, what IS the alternative? I have stayed in bed for long, ridiculously long periods of time. Depression? Excuse me for saying so but I would rather die…the long drawn out chemical type of depression where there is no joy, no purpose, and all there is in your world is darkness for no reason? cOp oUt, ViCtIm, ya I know. If you don’t get it, you never will, don’t even try…, and suicide is not a choice, knowledge, management and acceptance, life keeps on...but NO I have purpose!... my family has purpose. MY DAD HAS PURPOSE!!!

We face our fears, we fight when necessary, we surrender when a broken heart and contrite spirit is the order of the day, and we fight each battle as it comes, even when we do not understand or know our enemies.

Without challenges we do not grOW. Without heartaches we learn no CoMpAsSiOn. All these things are part of our journey…and we do NOT avoid them, or distract ourselves from them, or run away from them, because sooner or later, the challenges and heartaches knock at everyone's door, or just crash it down and it just comes in anyway. My homework is working the steps now, and the homework from the UofU won't be going away either (anthropology sucks). Life just keeps on...

Today I am a little angry, a little sad and I know that this is part of a grieving process that i have to go through. It is part of acceptance. I’m not sure if I will be totally happy tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but happiness does come, if I choose to allow it. Dad says he is happy, this is important and what matters most! He is happy when his family visits. He is happy when he feels loved. Love can and does heal ALL. He is loved, Oh, He IS LOVED!!!

What Life Deals Us

For those of you with a mental illness be it depression or anything of its kind, you would learn a great deal from this post by John McManamy of Knowledge is Necessity, another blog I post as a link on this site. John is brilliant and has taken on the job of writing the "People's DSM", in which to create a more accurate and complete reference and understandable diagnosis of mental illnesses.

The piece got some backlash from a so called Dr. Drake. Currently it has 36 comments of which I participated. The blog will give you an overview of the different types of symptoms, characteristics and patterns of depression including bi-polar. Furthermore you will get a perspective of the frustration that goes on in the world of treatment and the difficulty that is being played in the public for good health care.

Touche...such timing! We hope for the best...We get involved and never play victim to what life deals us!

Stray Black Dogs Do Survive

With each episode of depression I always seem to go through a similar routine. It is a power struggle of mind body and soul. Nothing wins. The first emotion when it hits is absolute horror; because this crap hurts in every way. Your physical body fights with your mental and emotional being, and every relationship you have is compromised.

I retreat until the worst of it is over. Then I begin the process of looking for more answers and support systems to help me and my loved ones to better understand and find more ways of managing and coping with this illness. This particular time I found some great internet sites which I have posted as resources. I also found a blog called Stray Black Dog. He is from the UK and calls himself a "depressive". I am sad that he labels himself this. I do not see myself as a "bi-polar". I admit his entries are terribly depressing and the people who leave comments give him plenty of advice of which I am certain they mean well. Now here is my advice...when wanting to really help and truly care about others ONLY offer advice when asked for it, otherwise just LISTEN.

I think when we try to solve other people’s problems, we certainly mean well, but we have disempowered them.

Even stray black dogs can and do survive out in the wild...

Back from Black

I have been sick. Generally when I am sick I still write or journal, getting words out helps to purge my soul. This time I couldn't. This time was different. This time I cried. This time I slept. Cried and slept. Then the self-loathing started to kick in and the ruminating...too many hours when your mind is not right. I know this cycle--been there before--yes, and probably unfortunately may go there again? I always hope for the best and with each episode I learn something and try to recommit to manage myself better so those worst’s are minimized.

There is oftentimes a certain level of denial that goes with this illness. I was officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder 5 years ago; this last year in particular, I wanted to blame many situations on my mood fluctuations. Although my situations were and are not perfect, it is unfair for me to find blame or fault for my situations and/or illness for any unhappiness and dissatisfaction in my life. Certainly situations do affect my mood and my mental health. Having a clear and healthy unbiased perspective on my life takes some soul searching. I have been able to do that and I am grateful and find myself heading in a much better direction now.

I am particularly grateful for my husband of nearly 25 years for his love, devotion and incredible understanding of me. We have weathered many many storms together...I love you Kell!!

This crash was so NOT FUN. It is good to be Back from Black.

Black Bottoms Up

They say, "You have to hit rock BOTTOM." Who are "They?" What is bottom? If we've hit it, will we know it? How many times will we hit it, just once, twice, seventy times seven? My son said this phrase recently...and I am afraid to say that yes, we do have to hit the bottom in life sometimes. How hard and how often, no one knows, and...I suppose it is all a matter of what life deals us and our perspective. Ahh, the old perspective thing again.

It matters NOT how many times we hit bottom really, for how can we compare ourselves with those who lived to tell about the holocaust, Vietnam, slavery, the depression? What matters is that we always get our bottoms back up. This is what makes the man or woman.

I wonder sometimes about the huge smiles that are on the faces of those who seem to have so little, yet find joy. I love that.

The Black Abyss

Things get low and then they get really low...the kind where life is not really worth living. I have a friend who felt this way today and tried to take her life. Fortunately for us she did not succeed. This is not her first attempt.

I have felt despair before, but not to this degree and my heart breaks as I think of my friend and the overwhelming pain she endures. Her life has not been easy, those who know her are awe-inspired by her bravery and her ability to overcome the obstacles placed before her. She has more... more obstacles, more challenges, more sad days, they do not go away. Life is a journey and we are in it together and this beautiful lady has taught so many of us more than she will ever know. Unfortunately we obviously have not done so well at communicating the impact she has had on so many.

Some plights in life are by chance others are by choice. We evaluate and accept those we cannot change and move up and away from those that are literally taking us down, down to the deep dark black abyss. Sometimes we get feeling so low that we get hooked on or into the very things that are bringing us down.

I love what my Sister reminds me of regularly. What are you willing to let go of, to get what you want???

Beware Blackberries Can Dissappoint With Age

Things I knew but was reminded of this past weekend:

Boys can be normal when they return home from their missions.

Some people can pretend to be gracious and non-judgmental, but you can see through their insincerity.

You grow the very most through the tough stuff.

Depression is tough stuff.

Some depression is situational.

Some depression is chemical.

Some depression is both situational and chemical brought on by a
myriad of what I call life lessons... and possible crappy genes.

Romantic love is tough stuff.

Sometimes perspective on depression and/or love doesn't make either one any easier...they are both just damn hard.

Men hurt as much as women do.

Pride and poor communication kill relationships.

You have to watch out for Blackberries they are not always as sweet as they look. Which is a disappointment to say the least.

When I was a little girl I would go to my great grandmother's house in Slaterville and have a fresh bowl of berries and milk. In my mind I thought that they would never end for i was never limited on my consumption, only the amount of sugar i added. This was a time of satisfaction and comfort. Life was simple then and I was loved
unconditionally...

I honestly can't say when the last bowl of berries I had was. I think I complicate the simplicity of them. I make blackberry pie, put them in cereal or yogurt. Going back home is usually best.

It was driven home strong to me this weekend that we all over-complicate life and judge to harshly...this certainly includes ME!

Hill of Red Beans

I had a beautiful young girl stop by to see me last night. How fortunate I have been to have relationships with young girls, even though my children are all boys. I cherish the tenderness of girls. By no means are my boys not tender though. They are extremely tender, however society teaches the male gender that it is not as "socially acceptable" to show their feelings. I think this is the biggest bunch of hog wash, but who am I to change society?! Fact is, I know the tenderness of my boys, and they know it, and we show it to each other in the proper times, and it is BEA-utiful.



My friend who came by, brought me a cheerful little gift, and words of love and encouragement. I shared with her the changes that I will be making within my position in my business, as well as the changes in my med's AGAIN!..

This discussion of medication opened up the door to how she had been feeling lately. She confided that it was difficult for her to get herself to get in the shower at times, much less to school. And the tears began...hers, mine, it did not matter, we got it!!!

I've been there, she's been there, chances are she will be there again and I will too. This is called depression, and IT HURTS. There is no pain killer for it and no one "gets it," unless they have lived it..really lived it. I am not talking about situational depression, I am talking about the kind where you can't get yourself to feel any joy at all, and the type that you can't explain why..it just sits on you like an ugly black dog.

Her mother has depression and is on an anti-depressant and I asked her if she was. She said that she was not because she could not bring herself to doing that. I got the impression that she felt that she thought she was weak, if she could not get "over this" or that she was still too young to resort to anti-depressants. Yes, she is young and she has been through some really tough things in her young life.

In as loving of a way as I possibly could, I tried to explain a few things that I have come to know, by way of study and purely personal experience and observing a lot of people. Our brains are very complicated; we know a whole lot more today than we did 5 years ago and especially 20 years ago. There are feel good chemicals in our brain called serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, if these chemicals get out of balance (depleted=depression) (abundance=mania) then you just feel unhappy, lousy, like not getting out of bed, the degrees vary, if there is too much of the chemical the opposite happens which creates a bipolar effect. Depression is among the most treatable of psychiatric illnesseses. Depression affects 10% of Americans today and 4% with bipolar disorder. Between 80 percent and 90 percent of people with depression respond positively to treatment, and almost all patients gain some relief from their symptoms. But first, depression has to be recognized.

Situational events may bring on bouts of depression, and medication may be the way to put the chemistry back in balance. Some fear they will never be able to go off medication once they start. Why is there such fear about these anti-depressants and not about other drugs? Why such bias? And my argument is, if it improves your life, and those around you, what's the problem, it's a little pill! Have we fallen again for the sensationalism of the media about mental illness? Who fell over the cookoo's nest? YOU, if you fall for that crap! It is just our brain and it is sick, help it, don't be ashamed, it's not your fault.

Here is what I AM saying: anti-depressants and medication ARE NOT for everyone., Yes I know about the book Prozac Nation, media, media, media. Tom Cruise saying that he doesn't believe in anti-depressants, whatev Tom, like anybody cares what you say anymore? Statistics, statistics, statistics, they don't mean a hill of beans if it does not work for you. If you knew how many med's I have been on you'd cry with me too. Addiction, yep, detox, yep, sick, yep, AWFUL, YEP! BTW: I tried the ala NATARALE route too right after detox, that catapulted my very worst bout of mania!

Find what works FOR YOU. Put that HILL of BEANs where it counts... on you. You might have to put your pride aside, not might, you will, if you're honest. Forget about what everyone else is saying all around you, and get quiet enough to figure it out with YOURSELF, and you may want to call on that Big Man in the Sky...on a personal note He's worked miracles for me, many times.

Fighting the Black Dog

Winston Churchill was the one who described his depression as "The black dog." I'm not sure if these other famous people have or had ways to describe their highs and lows. I would be interested to know.

When I am looking for a metaphor to explain how I am feeling or what I am fighting I have used the expression, black dog, deep dark well or the abyss. Each to me are different.

The abyss: Cold, dark, miles away from anyone and anything; the place I care never to go again for I would rather die.

The deep dark well: Again, cold, dark, I scream, but no one can hear; I claw my way up the sheer sides and struggle to climb out on my own, and I do with a lot of fight and hostility inside.

The black dog: I see him coming around the corner but I always think I can outsmart him or I have made peace with him. Somehow quickly he sinks his teeth into me and smothers the life out of me for a time.

The black dog is with me. I hate him.