Christmas Traditions and Change

Mom and Me at Cemetary

Some traditions live on…and some change. After Dave died we would gather around his grave on Christmas Eve and sing Christmas songs, shed tears, share stories, laugh through our tears and pray. That tradition changed a few years ago when the family got bigger and older.  Each of us still remember Dave through the holidays in our own way. I dropped off my wreath this year and was delighted to see he had been visited by many already. He is not one who is easily forgotten. He comes by a stature of command naturally through my dad’s lineage, (6 ft. 4, 230 lb.) so playing Santa was a natural and rather humorous affair for the adults who got to witness the event.

Back in the “olden days” when I was a kid there was no Santa costume and Grandma Allen bought red and white tissue paper for the children and we would create Santa on my dad which was fun, albeit certainly no mystique in the legend of Santa. Then one year investment in the whole Santa costume get up was made and the delight of Christmas parties was never the same! Year after year Dad plowed his body into that hot costume and HO-Ho'd his way with bells and a bound into all the family parties and a few others. I’m not sure who had more fun, the kids or Santa?!

Dave as Santa holding Richard

Dave watched Dad pour on the Santa charm and took over in his twenties. I’m not sure if the kids were smarter in the 80’s or if we were just so naive, but those kids were on to Santa Dave like nobodies business. Nevertheless it didn’t spoil any of the fun. Dave could lead our musically deficient family through a string of Christmas carols, and you better believe Dave never missed a word. Mom taught us all the classics.

From left to right:my Dad, Sherry (wanting to be Santa!), Santa Richard

In all honesty I don’t remember if Dad picked up during the interim when Dave was gone and Richard was too young to carry on the Santa tradition. Some years you are a little numb during the holidays. But we now have the tallest, skinniest, off the cuff Santa ever! Santa Richard, Dave’s son is carrying on the tradition with varoom! The children are a tad bit intimidated by his towering height but endeared to his loving disposition and enamored by his questions. As for the adults…tradition does live on…inside that Santa costume is a little bit of my big Dad and my big Brother. You can hear it in his voice, you can see it in the gestures and you definitely feel it in the love.

3 Degress of Depression Part II

Many years ago, during my first round of college I had a professor teach me about the I-BEAM. He asked what would you cross an I-beam for if it were spanned 1,000 feet in the air between two tall buildings? Would you cross it for a million dollars? Would a million dollars be worth risking your life? What if it was for a loved one in need?

I believe most of us would not give it a second thought and would be on our way to the other side. What if that one in need was actually you?

Can you recognize when you need help? Many people needlessly suffer because of living in denial? Or as I have said before… sometimes you just don’t know what you don’t know. Awareness is key to living joyfully, if you have experienced any type of situational or chemical depression research shows that laughter really can be one of the very best medicines of all!

In our family we laugh at ourselves. You can choose to laugh or cry and it is a whole lot healthier to laugh and poke a little fun at things that hit close to home.  Kelly, my husband and I have been in the service business for a long time now and we have some great memories of dumb things we say… or ignorant things others say. Here’s one for the records-- 

 

Kelly’s was in the middle of coloring a ladies hair in our salon, and for some reason women have a tendency to bare their sole (and other things I might add) while this good looking man (my husband!) makes them look great. No doubt he encounters several TMI (too much information) situations regularly.  Well, Mrs. “Whogit” went on and on to Kelly about how “crazy” and how much she disliked her daughter-in-law because she was bi-polar and she did all kinds of strange things and she was hoping her son would divorce her.  Kelly stayed silent until she had finished her story and then politely said, “My wife is bi-polar…”

I have had similar situations, sometimes I set them straight, and sometimes I wait for them to leave and I have a good belly laugh about the ignorance of the my dearly departed “friend.”

They say Ignorance is Bliss? Huh?

The 3 degrees of depression Part 1

The more you know, the more you realize you don't know. I just finished three semesters of college at 47 years old. Now here is one thing I do know: when you experience things first person, second person, and then third person in MANY different circumstances, under many different situations you CAN BEcome familiar with something and possibly give it some clarification and description. Here is my attempt at that...

I rank depression in two categories, chemical and situational; and in the three differing degrees.  Situational is something that has happened in your life that brings you down. Chemical is the “feel good” chemicals in your brain are just not working properly . If you think that this is not possible there is plenty of research to prove this. I refer you to this site to learn more about it.

Now for my three degrees:

The glOOm: a grey cloud has settled over you, you don’t feel like yourself, but you still push yourself through life and get through your responsibilities. It is no way to live! And there is help for you! Many people live like this and it could be caused by a chemical imbalance. Family history of mental illness is an  indicator, hence the problem, no one has wanted to talk about mental illness. times are changing.

As more research develops and the realization is coming forth that the brain sometimes does malfunction in the mood centers. Huh?!

The Black dog: Winston Churchill coined this phrase. I use it to describe when I can’t get out of bed because I am so depressed. If I “crash,” it is because I have physically exhausted myself (this goes along with bi-polar) because I have been a little on the high side and I am paying for it and have to sleep off my over exertion. If I am manic for long periods of time, the phrase goes, “what ever goes UP must come down!” The BLACK DOG sets in and the feeling of despair sets in. For those who suffer from uni-polar depression the black dog can set in and the feelings of worthlessness and lack of pleasure for anything sits on top of you like a stinky mangy black dog and there does not seem to be any reason why. When there is no reason why, this is chemical. If there has been a tragedy, such as a death, divorce, loss of income and such the black dog may set in for a short time, but situations change and the mangy guy leaves.

The abYss: I don’t even like to address the abyss, because for those of you who have been there, bringing back any of those memories, well, it is just downright painful. This is when you are on the bottom of the ocean, and you have no desire to save yourself. You need help professionally and you need it quickly. You have people that love and care about you…even if it feels as though you don’t! Reach out!!! It’s hard, but it IS worth it and you have the courage because I care about you because I have been there a time or two. 

A friend told me the other day that on the average children laugh 400 times per day and adults laugh 14 times per day, and that we adults better GET WITH IT!

Awareness of the Regrets...Live NOW

I’m starting to believe I’ve moved my office as many times as my family has gone through divorces! Ouch. I now have 2 offices. One at home for my U of U social work studies,  and one in our beautiful Phazes building that I love so much…I don’t love my business as an entity, I love its SPIRIT. It is warm, inviting and loving. From the very first day of conception (yes I say conception,) because we bore and have belabored with this little baby, whom is now 24 years old. She is wonderful, temperamental, and her insides have all the beauties now of a grown woman.

Today I am 47 yrs old, plus another 128 days. I have few regrets, but this is one that I wish I could change, however at the time, I was just so unaware. When I reflect back on my life, when I was actually living it, there was much of the time...I was not there. Oh my physical body was there, and possibly even a certain presence of mInd was there; but what I am talking about is really living the moment. Being totally present with the person, or the experience, or even the feeling...and Living in the NOW. 

It seems like such an odd thing to say, yet if you actually think about it, how often are you somewhere, but your mind is completely in a different space and time?

How often have you got in your car and arrived at your destination and you cannot remember any of the turns you took, stops you made, or how you got there?! Your physical body was performing, but your mind was in a completely different place. Now imagine being the person sitting next to you in that car, or maybe in a room with you or in any given situation and they NEEDED you…and You just were Not There…

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

- Mark Twain

v.

Oh my gosh, there are so many things competing for our attention! So what are your priorities and what matters most? I cannot answer this for you, i can only answer it for myself. Furthermore it would be rude and assuming if I tried!

I find that we as people ruminate over many things that happened in the past and fret about things that could be detrimental to our futures. We play these “negative tapes,” so to speak in our heads repeatedly, relive them to nauseum. Just because we ‘see’ things a certain way in our own minds, doesn't make it truth! It is another one of those…”maybe if you walked a mile in anothers shoes, you'd "see" things differently….

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
It's about learning how to dance in the rain.

- Vivian Greene

Different is often times a good thing, our world changes, and so must we...

A Hairy Dream InterPretation

Last night I had a dream I was skiing and broke my leg. A gentleman came to help me, and as he lifted my ski pants to see the damage, there was a protruding bone sticking 2 inches out of my ankle... and the  hairiest leg (one that is) I have ever seen on a woman. OH my goodness, yes, my other leg was cleanly shaven! Is this weird? Am I bi-polar or something?! I was horribly embarrassed!  

It was kind of like when your parents told you “make sure you have on clean underwear, you never know when you’re going to get in an accident!” What was that all about? (if you are a young one, you won't understand that phrase). Ive often wonder if that is what they do when you get in an accident. Pull down your pants and see if your underwear’s clean.Good psychology Mom and Dad!

Anyway, I have a dream interpretation book. I’m a little fascinated by dreams. I looked up “hairy legs.” Huh, Nothing.

My interpretation: Maybe I'm forgetting something I am supposed to be doing... like...probably right now!?

Living Life through the CRAP

I know just how you feel.

Sometimes only my dog gets it.

I have had the distinct pleasure, or the awful curse (depends on how you look at it) to spend a lot of hours in bed…more than the average bear (or dog). I’m a SOCIAL creature, yet as circumstances would have it, either my brain or my body just does not always cooperated to my liking. I have been criticized/judged for this at times, yet my doctor was wise when he said “who would CHOOSE to stay in bed?” There are some who think that depression is "all in your head?" Uh, Exactly. Your brain chemistry is off, and it makes your feel like crap, just like when your pancreas is off and you're a diabetic, you feel like crap. Huh, that's weird?

I certainly would never choose to stay in bed, I loathe it, it’s a painful place to be…I have places to go, people to see, life to experience. But if your body revolts and your brain is foggy, well, as I have said before…”you try it, and walk a mile..........”

During the past year I have felt very little depression, but I have felt a good share of exhaustion. Exhaustion to the point my muscles hurt and my energy is zapped (no i don't have fibromyalgia). Life expects a lot sometimes and I’m not so good at monitoring or quiting when I’m just tired. I pay a high price for my excessiveness, but my thoughts, my extra feel good chemicals when I am 'ewe manic' drive me on. My aspirations and expectations about life are high. It’s not about the high life. I gave up caring about “things” when my ego was busted years back. Sure I love nice things, but being nice and caring about other people is what makes life worth living and drives me.

I have responsibilities. It happens by the time we are approaching 50, there's a lot of STUFF. But life happens one day at a time, one moment at a time…and keeping perspective of those days and those moments…even when a tear is shed and then there is laughter that follows—life is happening. And it is all in the journey and the journey is really beautiful, for it is the simple things that count…

Meet Lucy Lu

Soooo…here is a little thing...meet my new grandog, Lucy! Our new little Red Boston, is laying in her Daddy’s arms (yes, Disneyland Dog DAD now has THREE). Seriously Three!  It looks as if Roxee and Lucy will do just fine together.

It's safe out here! Come on girls.

And where is Dozer?  If I have three guesses, he’s either out patrolling the neighborhood, thinking he's got to protect his brood, or hiding under the bed because he got in trouble. He gets gas and Disneyland Dad doesn't like it...or he taking he nap witt he love dog BOBO. Yep, he loving he BOBO! Ahhh. Love my puppies...almost as much as my kids.


I changed my kids diapers and I'm not above helping to potty training Lucy Lu, in fact I stepped right in her CRAP just yesterday. Sometimes life just stinks. And we cry and then we laugh, but we must choose to live.

The MoNsTer in Me!

I have a bazillion things to do--clean the house, shop at the store--for you Mormons now, no bursting into song --"so we can be ready for Sunday."

I wish I felt like singing, the dogs miss my singing, I haven't been singing as much lately. I'm not depressed.........I'm situationally challenged.

I should be working at the salon/boutique, working in my office, doing homework, yada yada. What I should do and what I feel like doing are two completely different things...but as it goes I have my trusty little lap top and my faithful little lap dog, and I surf the day away.

I do my best not to guilt myself, Dad always said, "if I miss this meeting, there will be another." And then that sh** eating grin would appear on his face, his head would bob slightly from shoulder to shoulder in mischievous disdain and you could hear a slight chuckle. Wow do I love reality.  There is always plenty of meetings, housework, homework and shopping, even for a Saint...and excuse me, but I'm not a Saint, I'm a farmers daughter, occasionally I have the mouth to prove it, (sh, I mean oops)!

I have learned that the list of stuff isn't going away, and I'm pretty sure this icky feeling in my chest will. I could do ALL that stuff (or get started,) and ignore this icky feeling, but "feeling" it is part of "healing."

I am reading, or rather re-reading, a book I read years ago. I have referred to many chapters on several occasions over the past 5 years. I love books where at the beginning of chapters are thoughts or poems that pertain to the book that make you think or give some type of insight. Here is the thought at the beginning of Chapter 9 from "Enchanted Love" by Marianne Williamson, entitled "Removing the Ghosts"

"There are monsters in my past, my darling.

So what? I have a few in mine. But I am not the monster.

I am not the monster, and the monster is not me."

When I was a little girl I was terrified of monsters! So much so that my dad had to carry me in his arms and show me every closet and look under every bed. Together we would walk through our basement, opening the "darkroom" door was the scariest! This was surely the place the "monsters" would be waiting. But my dad was bigger and stronger than any of them! I could have never trusted, I could have never slept had we not done this ritual every night. I cannot remember what frightened me so much, nor how long it continued, but eventually I did learn to trust.

I look back and see that, yes, the monster was in me...the monster is always in us. Can we accept that, can we actually see that...and move past it? Face my fears? I can now. Sometimes I just need a day (or two,) on, off, in or out of "reality."  Doesn't really matter to me which preposition you use. I suppose it's all about how You look at it.

Headaches, Homework, and Cancer, Part II

I don’t care how many holidays go by. I miss him. We all miss him. This is the 16th and Dave’s name always comes up around the Thanksgiving table and most definitely if we play games. He won monopoly even if he HAD to cheat, Dave won. DAD wants to win the battle of “incurable stage 4” cancer. He CAN win the battle. None of us win the final war, which is OK, I have no doubt Dave is doing just fine, and it will be a good reunion when we all join him.

What gives me headache number 15 since Friday is all the not knowing.

“How sick will he be on chemo? Why does this happen? How does this happen?










Why has this stabbing pain now moved from behind my eyes to my chest?


Does he want Dozer to come over? He comforts me.


Why do I have to be strong?






Maybe Zion would be the better Dog? I would give her up. She lies with me for hours when I am hurting. If Zion goes to Dad's I need to go, I don't sleep well without Zion. No matter, I'm not sleeping much.

No Roxee is the only dog for the job, she understands pain and suffering, she IS the LOVE dog, Rondy would LOVE ROXEE!








AND how does chemo really REALLY work?”

Fear. And then we face it, what IS the alternative? I have stayed in bed for long, ridiculously long periods of time. Depression? Excuse me for saying so but I would rather die…the long drawn out chemical type of depression where there is no joy, no purpose, and all there is in your world is darkness for no reason? cOp oUt, ViCtIm, ya I know. If you don’t get it, you never will, don’t even try…, and suicide is not a choice, knowledge, management and acceptance, life keeps on...but NO I have purpose!... my family has purpose. MY DAD HAS PURPOSE!!!

We face our fears, we fight when necessary, we surrender when a broken heart and contrite spirit is the order of the day, and we fight each battle as it comes, even when we do not understand or know our enemies.

Without challenges we do not grOW. Without heartaches we learn no CoMpAsSiOn. All these things are part of our journey…and we do NOT avoid them, or distract ourselves from them, or run away from them, because sooner or later, the challenges and heartaches knock at everyone's door, or just crash it down and it just comes in anyway. My homework is working the steps now, and the homework from the UofU won't be going away either (anthropology sucks). Life just keeps on...

Today I am a little angry, a little sad and I know that this is part of a grieving process that i have to go through. It is part of acceptance. I’m not sure if I will be totally happy tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but happiness does come, if I choose to allow it. Dad says he is happy, this is important and what matters most! He is happy when his family visits. He is happy when he feels loved. Love can and does heal ALL. He is loved, Oh, He IS LOVED!!!

From Headaches, to Homework to CanCer? Part I

It seems my mind can race to hell and back in a matter of a 24-hour period with ruminating thoughts and piercing pain behind the sockets of my eyeballs that once again bring me back to…WOAH…glad that one’s OVER!!!!

This week, well, was filled with…deficits in the checking account(S), payroll due, homework, catching up on homework, presentations in two classes…and, my granddog pooped in the house, the big Dog, DOZER! Not finished yet…a little on the manic side for I am not sleeping…and oh did I mention my dad went in to the doctor to “have his throat stretched.” He was having trouble swallowing, came out with a cancer diagnosis, it got worse as the week went on and it looks as though it is in his lymph nodes.

So here is the deal, we all deal with a whole lot of STUFF in this life. Headaches, bills, homework and cancer, it varies from uncomfortable, to downright over the edge, on the brink, to, I’ve had it! But you Don’t, you Can’t, and you Won’t, and if you Do, then You become the Victim; and the unpleasant things of life Beat you, instead of You Beating Them!

So what do we do with the unpleasant things of life, or the downright tragedies when they hit? Hey, I’m no doctor…and I don’t think “they” have all the answers either. In all honesty, most of my answers or peace has come in the quiet constraints after a long battle, (usually with myself, isn’t that our biggest ones) comes when I petition God…and then I LISTEN. Now this listening is REALLY strange, no get this, REALLY weird, because all of a sudden very quietly I hear this conversation in my head that is so Loving and Logical, with absolutely NO JUDGMENT. No matter how awful I think I am, or others are, this voice is so accepting and loving. And all of it, as if it is a puzzle seems to fit together, and I get a glimpse of everything and I settle. My spirit settles…and I trust. I stop fearing. And I know that no matter what, things are as they should be, and life was meant to live happily.

It’s our choice to figure out how in between the headaches, the bills, the homework and the cancer, we choose and we learn how to be content and happy. All of life is lived in a -- dash --

-- to be continued --

Love the Differences

I am giving a presentation tomorrow on affirmative action. While I am an advocate for equal rights and always desire to give a hand to those in need, I see many positives that came from affirmative action, but as in life everything has its opposite. My purpose is not to debate affirmative action rather to ignite thought in each of us about our personal biases or prejudices about race.

I conducted a survey last semester in my sociology class and asked the question who people felt were the most discriminated against in America. Race was the #1 choice, which was interesting given the fact that by 2042 the white race will be the minority. We live in a highly diverse society yet we still fear each other just because of the color of one another’s skin? Or is it that we just do not understand one another’s language, culture or background?


I have said to my children many times…to know someone is to love someone. It’s so easy to judge and so hard to give someone the benefit of the doubt or put a little effort into getting to know them, particularly if they are “different.” I have found some of my richest and most rewarding relationships amongst those “different” individuals that I now call my closest friends.

If we watch, children will teach us many things.

Self-Destructive Pants on the Ground

Sometimes I am nothing more than a hypocrite. Saying one thing yet completely doing another. The internal battle or war of conscience begins, and it is an ugly battle. I lose. I lose and come out with gashes and scars of proportional size. I wonder…to what degree do others do this self-defeating repetitive ritual? I surely cannot be alone in this.

Self-destructive behaviors, I know them all to well. They are like the familiar pair of jeans I have had since I was a teenager, only completely too small and therefore look terrible and make me feel uncomfortable in my own jeans (and genes). I think we hide these “behaviors” because of our EGOS and sometimes these “jeans” unfortunately DO get comfortable. Sometimes they have been with us for so long; we may not even realize that we are wearing them… and they are not so… becoming!

It seems as if I have been blessed with important times in which I now refer to as my, “humility calls” wherein I slow down and take an inventory of what is important in my life. It is in my nature to let the tasks of life speed me up, then weigh me down and overshadow what I value most. What I value most is relationships with my loved ones. I also value a peaceful and a content soul. To some these things come natural, for me, I must work at them.

For those of you who battle the self-destructive behavior GENES,
wouldn’t it be great if we could just put those PanTs on the GrounD once and for all?

You. Matter.

As I slumbered my husband rolled over and saw that my hands were raised above me, one hand holding up the other. He sweetly said to me, “you can put your hands down now” as he gently pushed my hands down toward the bed. I giggled, turned over, giggled again at myself and returned to my peaceful state…

I’m not exactly sure what I was thinking or dreaming about. I do raise my hand when I am in class for I enjoy being in on the discussions. I want my voice to be heard.

Each of us has a Voice. Each of us Matter. Sometimes, and maybe even oftentimes we feel unheard. After awhile of feeling we do not matter many emotions may set in…anger, resentment, indifference. If you have fallen victim to any of these emotions, the first step to recovery is to recognize this feeling. Own it; validate where it comes from and then move past it. Sometimes we become indifferent or even silenced because someone or something has squelched our voice that has beaten our spirit.



Life is about choice. We make good ones, we make bad ones, but we live Now. The choices we have made are in the past. How we react to them is in the Now. We can become victims to Life… or we can raise our hands, stand up for ourselves and Matter. You. Matter.

Seriously, I Whisper to My Dogs

I love the Dog Whisperer. I pretty much think Cesar Milan rocks. Not because of his beautiful white teeth or the way he snaps his fingers and dogs obey, but because he is spiritually in tune with a deeper connection of life. Am I crazy (don’t answer that), or what?

But seriously, if you watch this show enough times, and really watch it and learn, you will catch this inner connection of nature and nurture, you will see the way in which our energy influences so much around us…and most of the time, we as humans are completely unaware!

So we have our 3 dogs, Zion the privileged princess, who is my dog that I hate to admit, wears designer clothes and a personalized bling bling collar. Then there is Dozer, my faithful patrolling granddog that would not hurt a flea, yet I will admit has scared half the neighborhood so much that I had to rescue him from the pound after one overly dramatic mother got carried away and called animal control. She apparently had not been “Dozer Savvy” at the time. And then there is Roxee, she is Dozer’s responsibility in life, for which he shuttles her out to potty and follows her around to make sure his 65 pounds is protecting her deviant 12 lbs.! This is difficult, she picks fights on anything that is two to five hundred times her size. Big dogs, horse and such, she will leap out of car windows if they look at her wrong. We have had some scenes with this special needs pup. So we have had partial to full custody of the two Yeawhos for the past few years while Disneyland Dog Dad is still filling his oats. It keeps the house full and we love the nurturing opportunities as we patiently wait for the grandchildren to come along…



Dozer dominating Roxee to get what he wants in the "pre" Dog Whisperer days.






Now back to Cesar…last episode he was dealing with an “unbalanced dog” named Chloe from Boston. She and her owner make the trip to go to the dog psychology center as a last stitch effort in hopes of saving her. The dog has been traumatized and whenever she encounters other dogs she bites her owner. I won’t go into a play by play of the episode, but what I found fascinating was after Cesar worked with her, Chloe the dog did this little dance, he recognized it as her fully surrendering to the pack. Chloe wanted to play and be a part of the pack. She trusted in Cesar and shortly thereafter trusted the pack. Cesar immediately pulled the leash off after she did this adorable little dance, which to a lay person they may not have caught what she was doing, but in the replay you definitely caught the playfulness of her behavior. Cesar's quick reaction to allow her to enjoy and become part of the pack was exactly what Chloe needed to release her fears. She ran playfully with the other dogs with sheer enjoyment. Her owner sat in disbelief! Cesar explained how he had to honor the dogs body language and reward her immediately for she had let go of her fears.

Cesar says, “I rehabilitate dogs, I train people.” I think that is hilarious, because in every instance we always think that something is WRONG with the dog, but dogs react to us as humans. We as humans must lead dogs with a calm and aggressive manner for the dogs to be happy and balanced.

I see parallels in this as we relate to one another as people. I believe we feel one anothers energy a great deal, but do not acknowledge it in our brains. I also believe IF we reacted in calm and confident manners to many situations we would have favorable outcomes. I replaced aggressive with confident on purpose. So that is the “lesson” in this blog…you have to think about it…

Just so you know the progress with Dozer and Roxee, Dozer is no longer chasing little kids and knocking them down to steal their stuffed animals, yes, all I have to do is calmly say “HEY!” And Roxee no longer charges the TV when animals come on the screen. Her favorite show is the Dog Whisperer too. In the beginning she had to lie on her back on the couch next to me to watch the show (a tip from Cesar which calms dogs). She now is able to sit right next to me (and sit on her haunch she does) while we watch. If she starts shaking and gets a little excited, I just lean over and, I whisper to her! What do I say? That’s between Roxee and me.
This is Roxee pre "Dog Whisper" days (2009) attacking another dog on TV, we've come along way baby!

What do YOU give?

I took two mid-term exams today. Neither exams were about the environment or Green Peace, which is a non-government organization that evolved out of a peace movement and anti-nuclear protests. But the subject matter that was on the exams brought this phrase to mind, "You get what you give" of which, I agree and I disagree. May I explain?

Economically: We do not get what we give, equitably...women (all races/ethnicity combined still earn 80.2% of what men earn, and only 68.9% if you are an African American woman (IWPR.org 2009). It is a myth that poor people are lazy and the wealthy are ambitious. In America your socio-economic class is more connected to your background, the family you were born into.

Politically: as a nation we seem to hear more left and right wing rhetoric than we actually see in steps forward to solving the important issues that require compromise and egos to be put aside. Americans become apathetic to issues and voting when their representatives are bought by big business and special interests.

Socially: the status and prestige that is present in the so to speak "caste system" in America divides us into social classes from the poor to the excessively rich. When 95% of the wealth in this country is owned by 2.8% of the population, this very tight group of people can and do have profound effects on peoples lives. I am disappointed in the disproportion between two professions like teachers and professional athletes. Teachers have little prestige (and wages comparatively) in the ranks of our social classes. America elevates (and pays) professional athletes more to entertain our children than to educate them.

Physically: you get what you give. Exercise, eat right, generally works in your favor. Enough said.

Mentally/Emotionally: what you think about you bring about, thoughts create behaviors. By acknowledging and owning your own behavior and not others you will generally be more mentally and emotionally healthy. When you are mentally and emotionally healthy you have positive energy and you are a positive force to be around...you get what you give. Acknowledging your mental/emotional well-being to fluctuate and be ok with that is powerful, it is ok NOT to operate at 100%, one hundred percent of the time.

Relationships: this is one area where you get what you give...but are the motives of the two the same? Two people equal balance... which equals proportionate effort, however if one persons intentions are romantic and the others is friendship the relationship will be out of balance, you will not get what you give. Not all relationships have to be about getting, sometimes just giving is enough to fill your cup. However if you are always taking, your cup will never filleth...

Butterflies are Free to Fly

The freedom of the butterfly to randomly move over the landscape and spread its beauty while contributing to our ecosystem seems trivialized at times. Similarly the lessons we learn during the tragedies of life are marginalized yet the contributions to our lives are monumental.

I suppose what happens in life is we all perceive things in our own way…I may see the glass as half full, to someone else it is half empty, and we both are right. But what does it really matter?.......I believe what matters is that we love and respect one another for the experiences we each have. What I believe matters is we place no judgment beyond that… for that would be injustice and a tragedy. After all, we have not walked in the other mans shoes. No one chooses pain, yet pain is a part of life. What we do with the pain is what makes the man.

“The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly.” Richard Bach.

The pains of life cause us to fear, and fear causes us to want to control. What in fact we learn is we have control of so little. Only when we surrender do we actually become free…

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.” Richard Bach

What you try to control, controls you.

Butterflies are free to fly...it could not have been otherwise.

August 22, 2016

This blog was posted 6 years ago, it was inspired by this song...

I am now free to fly...

Bee's and Secret's

My good Doc recommended the book "The Secret Life of Bee's" a few years ago and I enjoyed it very much. Recently I watched the movie and I enjoyed it also. There is a particular line from the movie which caught me and I have shared it with a few people that I love because it was so profound.

It has cause for contemplation...

"Sometimes not Feeling is the only way you can Survive."

I see this often; in fact I have lived this myself. To not feel. To numb ourselves...we do this in so many different ways. Here are a few of the ways I can think of off the top of my head, (I've done most of them) work, sports, computers, drugs, alcohol, and the list goes on. It also comes out in our personalities (done this too), bitterness, being aloof, distant, or playing the victim.

Life deals us many challenges and often times we face tragedies. I had a certain kind of life prior to my brother's death and a different one after. I became a victim of so many things after, and I played the martyr at times as well. What I have personally come to realize is that challenges and tragedies in life are the way in which character is built, and we either get life or we become victims of it. Our ability to reach out to others and to find the lesson that was buried amongst the heartache is where the happiness and true joys in life are found.

There is a period of time that to survive we must be numb for a while. Slowly the numbness or the "not feeling" wears off and we peel away the layers of the heartaches and we become better. We accept what we cannot change. We change those things we can, and we recognize the things we cannot and move forward. We make our choices. We simplify. We uncomplicate our lives and we find the joy again or at least we hope we do. This is Dozer my Grandog after a Bee stung him. He learned quickly. He's never been stung again. I wish I could have learned as quickly.

When we exercise we break down the muscle and then it rebuilds itself only to come back stronger. Life really is no different. We either choose to have things that build us up, such as a good environment, positive behaviors and the most important is uplifting people around us to support us in our lives. These are all choices we have.

It takes backbone to lead the lives we want. Dr. Phil says, "You cannot change what you don't acknowledge." For me life has always been about improvement, making things better, and getting ahead. I still feel the same, however my perspective has shifted a great deal over the last year as I have stopped to take a great big inventory of my life. I tossed a lot of things I did not need or were not good for me (this was hard). I counted the most important things, I counted the things I valued and I now try to allocated my time in those areas. I'm enjoying my journey more, rather than the destination being my primary focus. This is a definite switch for me.

By no means have I got it all figured out, but have you ever tried to figure out how Bee's do what they do?

I'm amazed to know the importance of such a little creatures effect on my life. Sometimes you do not have to figure it all out. Sometimes the secrets lie deep in your heart and you follow your instincts for they generally do not lead you astray. This life was meant to be balanced. If the Bee's can balance then we can too. With a little luck (and a whole lotta love) we can work it out.

Discrimination Beef

I’m in school and I have another three years until I'm a counselor. I may be a little old to be starting this, but after living my life, well I cannot NOT do this. I am absolutely loving this journey!

I had an assignment to conduct a survey on Discrimination in America. I did a little test sample to begin with and posted a question on Facebook and asked, “who people perceived were the most discriminated group(s) in America.” The choices were between, physically handicap, mentally ill, socio-economically challenged, obese, gay, minority races, and minority religions. The comments got just a tad bit heated. For instance this was a comment concerning obesity, “Unless you have a medical issue that provides you the excuse to be ummm fluffy…” Another Facebooker was defending someone with a mental illness, yet she described the person she was defending as a “Schizo?” Isn’t that discrimination? While another said “I find it easier to discriminate against mentally ill people because they are unpredictable and sometimes a little scary to be around.” Hummm, well, touche, you should have seen me this past weekend, I was scared of myself! Now lest you forget, I’m bi-polar, that’s a mentally ill person. Yes I am very scary at times!

In the end what did I learn? I learned that surveys are subjective, not necessarily objective. We can learn something from them, if we, so to speak read between the lines. Out of the 60 surveys I sent out 43% were answered by men, 57% by women, and only 5% of the answers collected from a minority race.

Incidentally, the survey was sent out to a fair representation of all the groups that were typified in the survey. The 30 that responded either volunteered or were harangued by me, yours truly to give their answers.

The results from the survey…
Out of the 7 groups listed, physically handicap, mentally ill, socio-economically challenged, obese, gay, minority races, and minority religions, the write in category was elected to be used. The write ins added to the list were: single women, American veterans, Christians, Jews and conservatives. Which begs the question, can we all not find means or reasons, possibly even excuses to feel certain levels of discrimination? Another point, I believe we see the world through our own eyes and experiences, which can be both a blessing and a curse. Blessing, because experience is the best teacher, and a curse if we have never walked in another mans shoes, how can we judge?

The results from tabulations were: #1 Race #2 Obesity #3 Gay

There was an additional question posed in that some of these groups of people are more difficult, if not impossible to be identified by just appearances, and yet, if they WERE identified, by for instance, an obvious sign hanging from their neck, would it change people’s opinions? In addition, particularly would it change opinions if it were to have a direct impact or influence upon someones children? Only 14% changed their opinion, but it was enough to change the tabulations.

The result after the change: #1 Gay #2 Race #3 Obesity

Family upbringing was the greatest influence upon why we discriminate with 62% of the vote. Ignorance was sited as the number two possible reason why discrimination exists with it receiving 43% of the vote. I felt was these insights were poignant. It follows along the lines that we do have fears and insecurities as people. We obviously fear what we do not understand or know. We also follow the norms which surround us.

I believe if you look you can find humor in many of our socially skewed views. My vote for the two best comments of the most discriminated against:

“I don’t know, but I think it’s Greg Ostertag.” And,
“Lunch ladies, no one likes them, no one likes their food.”
Unless you’re a lunch lady or Ostertag, I think that’s funny!

If you still have a BEEF about Discrimination in America post it in the “Comments.”

Two kinds of People

As this semester is coming to a close I have observed there are two kinds of college Professors. One who is interested in you and one who is there to strut their tail feathers. Now I abhor labels and I hate judgment, yet for the importance of a ‘lesson’ here, may I continue?

As I have sat through hours of lectures some teachers have perfected the art of being truly interested in their students, and their students eucation. In contrast there are those who pace back and forth pompously ignoring any raised hands, questions or comments and if there are questions, these Professors make the students feel inferior for having questioned or commented. Excuse me, was this not why the student is there, for the education, seeking out the teachers knowledge, not their ego?

After having discussed a rather lofty project of mine, a mentor that I adore, bent down in front of me and looked me in the eyes and talked to me face to face. With love he said, “Lori, I know you, and while it’s a great idea and lofty goal, you don’t want to burn out….” Well, the conversation went on from there, the love was felt, the message was well received and my “idea” is put on the back burner for another decade or two of my life. Ahhh relief.

So we play different roles in life, the giver, and the receiver of information. Teacher-student, Parent-child, Spouse-spouse, Boss-employee. What each requires, in my feeble opinion is respect, love, understanding, never superiority, ego or control. For some reason these roles we play lend themselves to the idea that we have “earned” the right to be over or thereby exercise some degree of control or superiority over someone. Even in the parental role, while guidance and boundaries are always necessary, respect is never in question. Talking down to another is disrespectful and is a reflection of one’s character, or at the very least their true self esteem.

To get on someone's level…walk a mile in someone’s shoes, or…wear someone’s earphones! Yes, this could be very enlightening! And we may learn a great deal to improve our relationships. Try it, but ONLY if you can, and I say ONLY, with NO possibility of judgment or repercussions to the individual. Listen to the music that your loved one listens to. More importantly listen to the lyrics first, and then the tempo, the beat and the overall mood of their favorite genre. Music is a personal expression of oneself. If you want to know your teenager (or anyone), this is a perfect place to start. What is the main theme of their music: crime and violence, sex and drugs, love and romance, politics and nature? Is it a happy sound, sad sound, confused sound? Do not take it personal! It is not about you, it IS about them and you are their advocate. Now ask yourself, what CAN you do. Now you have a snapshot of their world. You have walked a little step in their shoes, now get on their level and tell them how much you love them, care about them and ASK them what they need you to do for them.

Our roles in other people’s lives is to make it about them…and funny thing we end up getting what we need out of the relationship in the interim. Most of all what people need is for us to just listen and accept them, the growing and figuring things out is done on our own….right? Right. And for what it’s worth, I want to be happy more that right!

Narcissism is a lonely world. Strutting your tail feathers is lonely; after all we’ve seen all those colors.

What kind of PERSON are YOU???