My Magenta Mind...

I love the color magenta. It's bold, it's fun, it's bright, but too much, is just that, too MUCH! I am like that or at least my mind gets to be too much and it spins off its axis. Thursday night as I lay trying to sleep and my mind spun from one picture to the next, from one one-sided conversation with myself to the next, I knew I was in trouble...yet again. I HATE THIS!!! I have been here before, I will be here again, I have lived this cycle many, many times.

I got in on a cancellation with Dr. D. first thing Friday morning. He is complimentary of my ability to recognize the signs and patterns that I get into. We discuss management techniques. (We have discussed these before, but repetition never seems to hurt). I go home and spend all weekend sleeping or reading. I never cease to amaze myself that I can actually sleep 18-20 hours a day. The question still eludes me; is my mind so overworked that it needs this much sleep? Am I escaping my life and therefore just wanting to sleep? What am I feeling right now? Not much!

Actually if I really allow myself to feel I am angry; angry that no one understands this crap, angry that I live with it and I don't always understand it. I can't see it therefore it does not exist. But I feel it and the crash hurts.

My magenta mind has gone gray...

Your White Form

"Could you fill out your white form please?" "Sure." I answer.

I didn't know I HAD a white form. I guess I have been coming here so long I can take ownership of it...In the past two weeks have you felt down, depressed, blah blah...
Have you slept less or more than usual, blah blah. Has your appetite increased or decreased, blah, blah. Have you felt bad about yourself to the point it has interfered with your normal life, blah blah. Have you thought about harming, that is killing yourself, blah, blah? Most the time on "tests" you want a high score, on this test if you score 0, you have been in happy land.

I have been in happy land plenty of times, not today. I drug along my journal from yesterday, entitle My Anger Entry to read to Dr. D.. I felt if I read it out loud I could purge it and let it go. I let a lot go in his office. It helped. Somehow I always see a new perspective on either a new or old emotion.

I do not always get a new perspective. Sometimes I just need to be heard with no judgment. Sometimes it feels good to be validated. Dr. D. does not always validate me, which is good. But he always accepts me.

I have 2 doc's. Dr. C. and Dr. D.. Dr. C. prescribes my med's which I currently take 2 med's in the anti-seizure classification and 1 med in the anti-depressant classification. I have had Dr. C. for about 1 1/2 years now and Dr. D. for about 18 years. I love both of them. They are excellent doc's.

I was diagnosed bi-polar a few years ago. I'm not ashamed of it. I could care less who knows. It's not as if I can help it or it is my fault. I do not use it as an excuse. I love to joke about it when I am healthy. When I am chemically imbalanced (sick) I generally just retreat until I feel better. I am familiar with the routine. Unfortunately I have lived it for most of my life. I am now just grateful to understand it. I am also grateful that the downs are few.

So if you should find yourself filling out any kind of WHITE FORM or be it blue, pink or fuscia and they are trying to do "meter a mood" on you. Don't worry about it. Take a deep breath and be freakin' proud of yourself that you had the guts to get help! Most people just wallow in their own pride and misery and think it is going to go away. It doesn't. It calluses over. Those are the people that scream at you when you are driving. Are critical of everyone and everything. Make everything about them because they are hurting for attention or are just your neighborhood grumps. Remember this and send those people loves...and a white form.