Allen Legacy Ends

Some things have to come to an end. Sometimes we don't have a choice and we have to let go.

How i remember the farm growing up

The Allen farm was sold last month after 73 years. When i reflect back on my childhood years, most of my memories are playing on the farm. I was the youngest of 3 children. My older siblings memories would be of more work than play. Both my brother and sister knew a lot of early mornings getting up at the crack of dawn to milk the cows during the summer and before school. It was hard work and Dad ruled, often times with an iron fist. Being the baby i got away with a lot more. That was hard for my brother and sister.

Dad was a tough man, he worked around the clock, he usually came in for dinner and spent Sunday afternoons resting. I never felt bad about it, i knew if i needed him i could usually find him. I was a confident little girl and didn't need much more than the company of the animals, my siblings, my extended family who lived on the farm and the other workers. I had friends that lived a mile away and i would often time walk to their house or they would come to mine. I was never ever bored.

I always remember thinking to myself..."When is Dad going to get this place cleaned up?!" How naive was I? Farming is some the the hardest, thankless, never ending poor mans job there is. Nevertheless there are things that it brings to a family that cannot be bought and are irreplaceable.

Dad's dream was we would be millionaires one day, and we would have been, but sometimes things don't turn out quite like you expected, but we are all well enough off.

A farm provides a constant playground of adventure in your own backyard and plenty of cousins to play with.

There were so many shenanigans from generation to generation from motorcycles chases with my brother, cousins and me, to my boys playing chicken with fire in the haystack to tease my youngest nephew and scare him to death. It's all things we laugh about around the table now. I am horrified i never knew my boys were such hoodlums.

Bode at Ching Sanctuary

Tandin & Collin at Ching Sanctuary

There is now a fourth and fifth generation of Allen blood that loves animals, farming and building. Tandin, my youngest son started volunteering at Ching Farm Rescue & Sanctuary. He has dedicated himself to a passion and love for animals by building barns, excavating the land for better water drainage and petitioning for donations for a new tractor. He has become Faith Ching, the owners right hand man. Tandin's engineer mind has brought about more change in 6 months than in 17 years, so Chris the next door neighbor told me this past Sunday.

I got paid 10 cents a week to feed the calves.

I fed this 3 week old rescue calf at Ching Sanctuary with tears last Sunday. I left from Herriman and drove to Taylor to finish some business and say my last goodbye to a legacy that so many many people had worked so hard to create. The Allen farm was sold to a neighbor.

These are my siblings. There's not much that can be said about the bond you have with your siblings. When my brother was jerked out of this life suddenly on July 2, 1994, i felt like i had lost a part of myself. In time we all adjusted, i think it's been hardest on my mom. Our family has never been the same.

My heart is so touched when i see puppies and newborn animals snuggle and bond, then play boundlessly with their siblings. Blood runs deep. It cannot be changed. People can hurt you, whether they are neighbors, acquaintances or even, and especially your own family,  forgive them. I believe most people really do their very best with the circumstances they are given. Carrying bitterness, condemnation, judgment and feeling as if you own the morale high ground is shaky territory and leads to lonliness. The answer is always love.

Life Comes Full Circle

For some reason Collin's mannerisms and behaviors make me absolutely laugh out loud on a regular basis. We have a group text in our family where we share pictures...Between the mischievious looks on Collin's face and his tuft of hair that sticks straight up, he keeps us all in stitches.

There is a striking resemblance here!

A homemade card from Gma Shirley (my Mom)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Chase's fav growing up) Smash Cake made by Gma April

As much as i laugh at this child, he can also bring me to tears...happy tears, grateful tears. 

Looking up at Uncle Tandin

Sharing with Uncle T.J.

Father & Son

 

Today when I gave Collin his first Oreo cookie my mind raced back to the day that Chase had his first Oreo cookie. The day we nearly lost him. I took Chase to the bathtub to clean him up, i turned on the water, and the phone rang. It was a business phone call and i completely forgot that Chase was in the tub with the water running. The horror did not hit me until i hung up the phone. I ran to the bathroom and found him floating face down in the tub, completely lifeless and blue. I pulled him out and frantically screamed for help all the way to the neighbors house with his limp body slumped over in my arms. My good neighbor Dave was home and told me to call 911. When 911 answered i screamed, "my child has drowned, help me, HELP ME!" The dispatcher, Karen, calmly proceeded to talk me though CPR, and Chase regained consciousness. We spent the night in the hospital for observation and miraculously Chase suffered no brain damage. 

I tell this story with horrible shame for my stupidity and neglect. Losing Chase would have devastated so many lives. Chase's life was preserved for a reason..and Collin is the reason. 

Chase and i have had many confirming moments as to the incomprehensible love and bond that you have for your children. Life is precious. Family is eternal. This life can be so hard at times. And then the sweetest simplest tender moments emerge, and you see that, as i have said so many times...life comes full circle...

Thank you to all the boys in my life, T.J., Chase, Tandin and Collin. You make my life worth living.

Facing Fears

When i was a little girl i was absolutely frightened of the Boogie Man! Before going to bed my Dad would carry me through the entire house and i would watch him look under every bed, in every closet and the "dark room." The dark room was especially scary. Eventually the assurance from my parents that i was safe helped me to overcome my fear.

Up until 5 years ago I had hardly ever slept alone. I purposely selected an apartment on the 3rd floor when i became single because i was still frightened of being alone at night. Eventually i got over that too.

What are your biggest fears? Failure? Being alone? Not being loved? Losing all your material possessions? Losing your health? Losing your sight? I've had all these fears at one time or another.

The first time i looked into Zion's cloudy eyes I panicked. And i cried. I have watched Zion's eyes get progressively worse, i watch her bump into things, try as she might jump on our bed, and if i don't stay within hearing distance of her in unfamiliar places she gets disoriented. I have wondered if she is frightened? This is Zion as we left work last week (yes she goes to work with me everyday)!

Zion will be 13 on September 12th. She is actually as spunky as ever in familiar places. I have spent more consistent hours with her than anyone in my life and it is hard to imagine living life without her.  I know that day will come..and i will mourn..and i will get another dog. She will never be replaced, but i will share the unconditional love and companionship she taught me with another special dog.

And so as Zion faces fear, i too face the fear of being without her. She has brought me joy, peace, comfort, companionship and unconditional love.

But life goes on. And while Zion's steps are unsure and winding down..Collin's my first grandchild's is just winding up. His first steps were wobbly and unsure, he faces his fear, falls down, and then gets right back up. The circle of life is consistently moving. Facing fear is part of living.

You can hear Collin's fear and then his Dad, my Chase, tell him, "good job." Yes, the circle of life.

Risks

I am a risk taker, albeit maybe less now than in years past. Life lessons do have a way of tempering spirits with the highest of highs and lowest of lows.

At 23 I was full of passion for getting ahead in the world of business. I met challenges with confidence and aggression. At 33 I was in the midst of raising 3 active-gregarious boys, taking on a second business location..and..facing internal battles inside my head about God and religion. The faith of my youth was being challenged and I was in utter confusion. At 43 I was still in a heap of confusion over spiritual things and my feisty enthusiasm for the almighty dollar and prestige was beginning to wane. What I wanted most of all was peace. Peace. Just to Be.  

At 48 I left everything that was familiar and secure to me to excavate what I believed--or did not believe--and what I wanted in love. I fully expected that this risk would pay off…and now…as I approach 53 I find myself in a good place with much less stress than what my life was accustomed to, and just maybe feeling I have found what I’ve been looking for. I have simplified my life in every way, throwing out or giving away old ideas, things and beliefs.

In my life I have experienced so many manifestations that life comes full circle. These days most of my hours are spent working for my son in his auto dealership and body shop. I may have been a risk taker in my day, but T.J. is a risk taker on steroids! I now understand what my mom went through as she worked for me for 24 years. I have learned so much from my son--like I said--full circle. I have learned the greatest lessons from my 3 boys, each different, each unique and each equally and unabashedly loved. These boys have been patient with me and have supported me during some excruciating pain, that’s what happens when you love deeply.

So I return now, full circle, to matters of the heart and risk for what I believed long ago, to Live, Laugh, and Love with reckless abandon. Ok- forget the reckless.

The Circle of Life

I have said so many, MANY times before that things come full circle in life. I am experiencing yet another one of those situations as I now live again with my mother for a time.  Her house is quaint, one that anyone would love living in because it has charm and a warmth that only a Mother can provide. I have needed this warmth and time of healing for a very long time, and there is no one else that can do this for me like my Mother.

Mom is a funny sort, literally funny. She laughs and we laugh together, she is a jokester at heart. Growing up with my Mom has so many delightful memories..she loved playing tricks on people, silly things that kept everyone in stitches, fake throw up by the toilet, fake mice that she hooked up by a string, hid and then as you walked by she would pull it across in front of you, and you danced like nobody’s business; and loads creating an explosion in cigarettes of co-workers at Evan’s Grain where she worked for 18 years.

 

A typical look from Mom

After Evan’s Grain Mom joined Phazes Salon & Day Spa and spent 24 years by my side. At times tensions were high because we were so consumed with business. No one had our back like my Mom. She always stood for principle and at times would challenge an employee or customer if they were taking advantage of us. She is a woman that never backs down on what she believes in, and family blood runs through her veins more than anyone I know. She will defend her children, grandchildren, parents and siblings like no bodies business. In truth she’s not always popular, because she says what she feels and lives what she preaches. I find this rare these days.

The integrity and commitment I have in my life is due to the example she has set for our family and me. This is a woman that hates pomp and circumstance, particulary if it is over her. I admire that in this day and age when so many of us seek the approval and attention from worldly matters.

 

Sherry, Mom and me

I never comprehended how much my mother loved me until I had my first born son T.J.. I remember calling my Mom from the hospital after I delivered and saying to her, “I never knew you loved me this much.” The love of a mother is second to none, other than God’s love for us, which, I suppose, is uncomprehendable. He did give us families after all. I cannot imagine life without my family, and I am sure you feel no different. I have been blessed with not just good parents but great parents. They started as teenagers back in the 50’s. Times were different then and work was a plenty. I know few women that worked harder up until she retired than my Mom. This woman labored and found satisfaction in it. She began working full time when I was 3 years old. When she came home from work she cleaned and cooked (another second to none), sewed clothes for us kids, washed window every month, played with us, talked to us, took Sherry and I shopping and made family trips fun.

Another typical scene..Mom cooking in the kitchen. (look at those homemade rolls) 

My Mom is grey now and still beautiful, and, I know my mother will die some day, and I will miss her terribly. It will also be a day of celebration for her because she will be able to rest from her labors. She has sacrificed much and deserves rest from this world. That may sound morbid for we are uncomfortable speaking of death but I have become somewhat comfortable with the thoughts of a beautiful life after death. I have many loved ones on that other side and someday we will all join them.. and Oh what a good day that will be!

Can We Live till We Die?

It has been said that we reap what we sow. Is this true? Aren't we imperfect beings, trying to do the best we can, and yet we fall short so often. Why is this? Is this the natural man, to make mistakes? And when we make these mistakes, what do we do with them? Do we learn from them, blame others, become cynical? I often wonder about how life comes full circle. We live in a magnificent world, full of awe and wonder..and how easy it is to let it pass us by when we are so inundated with the fullness of life.

Today I sit and watch my boyfriend with his father. I am loving him all the more as he so tenderly but firmly does physical therapy with his father after knee surgery. We flew to Phoenix during an especially busy time in our lives because after all, there is nothing more important, worthwhile and fulfilling than family.

  

How beautiful is the providence, that as children we have the opportunity to care for our parents in much the same way as our parents cared for us.

Kevin with his dad, Tom getting his knee back in shape

How tender a moment when father and son once again play ball

I think of how awesome God is, in all His majesty, power and tenderness to supply His children with this planet, surrounded in understanding for our weaknesses and giving us all we need, even when we don’t think so. I do believe, as hard is at may seem at times, things are as they should be, for our own good.

Three weeks ago today my father, who has terminal cancer got an infection that nearly took his life. His will to live, his pure stamina and strength after having fought stage 4 cancer for the past three and a half years has been miraculous and a blessing. 

The morning after a frightful night

My father battled back after a night of hovering between life and death, only to rise the next morning, sitting up in the ICU unit, laughing and teasing in his usual manner. His comment to me this last week as he is recovering in Assisted Care was, "I'm going to live until I die." This can be interpreted differently, what Dad's meaning is, he WILL LIVE, choosing to enjoy, never to give up,  making sure that the fields that he has planted will be harvested. God chooses when we depart from this life. We choose what we sow and, well, you know the rest of the story..

Surrender to what IS! Examination

Today begins the end of a long journey. 26 years ago in August 1987 we opened our first salon inside of my very good friend, Ryne Hazen's photo studio.  We hosted fashion shows and hair shows, held meetings, gave presentations...and performed hundreds of makeovers.

Ogden Phazes in the 1990's

Hair Show in the Ogden City Mall, 1990's

Christmas Motivational Staff Meeting, 1990's!

I had many a tears in my office, countless giggles, and some double-over belly laughs! I made lifelong friends, no enemies to my knowledge, and now tuck away all these memories, and return to exactly where I started. Spring to Summer to FAll, but WHere??

How blessed I have been to have all these life lessons; packaged up into more phazes than I can count. My 20's, egotistical and full of myself. My 30's, prospering, playing, raising boys, and searching for my place in the world, and my 40s, harsh realities, looking myself in the mirror, and asking the ever elusive question... Who AM I? and What do I want??? For some, their path is set, they never question or veer from what is before them. I admire and respect that. I also have love and respect for myself, for seeking my truth, and my path.

My life with family and business has always been intertwined. My family has supported me, and believed in me. They stood by me when they disagreed; they loved me when I failed, and they rejoiced when I succeeded.

I remember a conversation I had with my father, he said, "it's important that I am successful in life." What does that mean??...and now in the twighlights of their lives...I know what success is...for our family!

Dying in peace, Forgiving forgetting and forging forward. Loving without conditions; and  

Surrendering to  what IS!!

10 days from now I will begin my senior year at the University of Utah, living with my two youngest boys; our two dogs, Zion and PAC; and begin or rather complete another journey started many years ago.

All things come Full circle. Three and a half years ago, and 25 years before that, I started college and did not finish school, but started a business-- Phazes became my focus for a time, and my focus changes once again.

Look at your life and examine it, take little account as to whether your journey gave you an A of an F (I have had both). And then choose to LIVE, Joyfully and Authentically! It is your choice. Always.~

Examination 

Great Connections

What a great few days it has been connecting with new friends and old friends. 

 Certain things in life, while they are happening may seem rather insignificant and yet upon examination become poignant, 

surreal 

and come 

full circle. 

I'll be turning 50 shortly and i know that where i am is exactly where i was meant to be. 

I have let go of bad habits, bad people, bad relationships and bad karma. I have wonderful relationships, profound ways of thinking--constructive ways of getting things done...and letting things be--i accept myself, my past and enjoy living each moment. I trust the future to bring whatever is necessary for me to grow, contribute, serve and love unconditionally. I give my love freely and it comes back easily. I love myself enough to say "no" and recognize and follow my instincts.

Many life lessons for me have been harsh and necessary. If you have lived 50ish years you have no doubt experienced the same?! some i brought about. I own that i, in fact, teach others how to treat me. I give away what i cannot control and allow the world around me to be a peaceful place.

I thank You, God, and the Universe for sharing my journey...may this day and every day be one of gratitude.

Extraordinary Life

I own all of my experiences. And i am well.

Those who may read the words i have written in the past, and identified with me through the ups and downs of life, may not understand or agree with me now. The good thing: I don't care. Life is constant evolution, if we but allow it.

My experiences and how i perceive them are mine. I am blessed beyond...my wish for all is to be yourself, and know You are an Extra Ordinary Special Unique Being...just the way you are...

I have learned through many life lessons not to judge, inflict my opinion, or assess another beings experiences, telling them they are wrong. They are not, you are what you believe. I believe we were meant to be happy...and sometimes sad.

In my mind, everything happens for a reason and pieces of the puzzle that make up the stories of our lives unfold as necessary. Some chapters of our stories... delightful, some painful, some insignificant and others extraordinary.

Faith is hopeful belief about the future. See it as you wish and i hope you recognize...

And who is "THEY?" and why do we allow 'them' any power over us??

These Little Wonders

Whether you are new to reading wildflowersandweeds, check intermittently or a follower the journey and emotion is real and true.  

Getting to an authentic self has been quite a journey and i have openly shared raw emotion often, for my benefit yes, but mostly because when i hurt i isolate myself, writing has been a release. By nature i am extremely open, by environment i am extremely closed. And we take the journey happily, and sometimes in the depths of despair.

My son Tandin and i have been on a road together these past few years. This road has been filled with strain, misunderstanding, fear, abundant love, concern, faith and no judgment. We build barriers with our kids unknowingly and then we break through. Part of this is growing up, the other is learning... on both sides. They are learning how to be a kid while we are learning how to parent, in a way that allows each of us to be human, i.e. living through life's lessons.

A few days ago i received a private message via facebook from Tandin with just a YouTube video attached. I watched it 3 consecutive times each time, the sobbing tears lessened, each time absorbing it from a different point of view: self, Tandin, then humanity. i invite you to watch and pay attention to the story.

"Little Wonders"

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain

Did you catch when the boy is drawing a picture of him and his mom... and he puts the smile on her face? Kids want happy parents just as much as parents want happy kids. And we do it together, that's family. 

I love this boy!

Passions and Mourning and Living Part II

I'm a Believer that when we experience loss we have to go THROUGH it to become more healthy individuals.  

Mourning is a part of growth and a process of living. The five stages of grieving according to Kubler-Ross from one of my favorite books "Life Lessons" include: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, in no defined sequence.

I did not post a blog for over a month for i was, and still will be sifting through the 5 stages of grieving until it is done. I cannot say when that will be.

We all get many curve balls, fast balls, slow balls and sliders but in the game of living we adjust to what we are pitched, we swing and keep on...until we hit the home run.

In the previous post Passions and Mourning and Living  i shared "10 things on my Passionate list." Now i will share "10 things i mourn."

"10 things i Mourn"

1.   Those i love going to heaven.

 I AM happy for THEM.

2.   Families breaking down 

WHAT HAPPENS? and WHY???

3.   War and fighting

what IS the story of all these lives and deaths

and what do children learn when they see fighting?

 

4.   Religious self-righteousness and dogma

5.   Addiction

for those who face addiction and win, they have battled the demon and won thru humility and God's hand

6.   Poverty

WHY???

7.   Cruelty in any form 

WHY???

8.   Prejudice and unfair judgment

WHY??? They look happy. Am i not getting something?

9.   Being taken advantage of

(picture may be too personal to post)

10. Betrayal / being lied to

I have experienced all of these things to some degree, in one way or another, and many of you have also. If you have not, you will. If you have not consider yourself inexperienced in living, for these things ARE LIVING.

I wish you enough time necessary for mourning, so that living is more meaningful and compassion is your constant companion. Lori~

Don't Back Down

I am a believer that there are many things that happen in life that do have significant meaning, if we but look, listen and learn. After tonight i won't back down!

BE inspired. Watch this and... Stand Your Ground!

I have malice for no one. I am strong. I follow my conscience and stand up for what is in my heart. I wish the same for you in your journey!

Home and my Heart

Home. What defines home to you? And why is it so important? Is it the actual place? The memories, the people, the smells, the food, the history? It's all of those things and more...and it can change...and it can be in the past. It is in the past in a matter of minutes, whether we can allow it to be or not is our choice.

I try not to live in the past. It's a discipline. I try also not to live in the future. It's a discipline. Life changes and we make home where our heart is...where love is. Love, true authentic love that is easily exchanged. No conditions. No expectations, it's a journey getting there. Life is a journey and i have learned many many lessons on the way...and i am still learning them.

i posted this blog Long Way Home four months ago. Since that time i have moved to another home and i love it... Moving? Hate it. Enough said.

 This is the home where i grew up:

Not much has changed in the front yard, other than the trees have gotten bigger.

A lot has changed in the back yard. The dairy farm is gone. Allen Horseplay stables now are home for 40-50 horses. 

This is the home where all 3 of my boys grew into beautiful men:

Many girls came knocking at that front door for my 3 beautiful kind-hearted boys.

Soccer, volleyball, football, snowmen, and lots of dog chasing went on in this backyard.

T.J. my brave-loving-"make it happen" protector of the brood.





















                                                                 
Chase, my affectionate-loyal-loving-passionate mediator.








And Tandin, my calm-tender-hearted, stubborn intellectual. 

i love these boys with every fiber of my being. i would take a bullet for them without a seconds thought. They now establish their own homes and i follow them. It is as it should be. The proximity of my home does not matter, relatively speaking i have not moved much in my life, however it seems i have always taken the long road home. It is as it should be.