Plum Tired

Are people what they really seem to be or not? I suppose for the most part I trust that people are good. But by nature we protect and cater to our own needs, wants and desires before others. Ahh, you immediately get defensive? Try to play the martyr? Don't play me for the fool! I am just as human as the rest of you!

Do I set myself up to be hurt? Is it because I love deeply that I feel this pain? This week was a hard week. I felt like I got kicked in the stomach by people I trusted. For all intents and purposes there was no reason for me to take these circumstances personal. It was not about me! People need to do what is best for them and I respect that. Sometimes the systems by which we operate are set up to be hurtful.

One thing I know I have grown to be is someone who looks at all sides, or at least I try to. It is not a perfect world. But I try to look at things from the other persons vantage point. Once I can do this, understanding and compassion usually sets in and my heart softens.

I still get tired, in fact plum tired. My mind races, I work sometimes around the clock. My life is full. Sure I get disappointed, but I then try to see the other side of things and find some rose colored glasses and go on...

How DO you get rid of Crabgrass???

I was raised in the country. It seems many people had problems with crabgrass. Was there an answer? Not really, you tried to kill it off and start over. It is the dreaded plague ewe....

When I first read An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison I was convinced I was not manic depressive. Maybe more so I was scared speechless that I never could conceive I could have such a devastating illness such as THAT! I went to my first psychiatrist and convinced her of all the reasons that I could not possibly be bi-polar. She concurred. Nearly 3 years later, a nine month period in bed, a couple of high producing manic episodes and a statement in my counselors office that came out of my mouth such as, "I have been kicking butt and taking names and I just crashed", was the final realization, 'Lor, you have a problem!'

I picked up the book again after that and reread it. It was not so scary this time. My life had been scary those past few years. My mind had been quite violent. You get that way when your chemicals are out of balance. What I have come to realize and fully embrace is that it is not my fault. I am not embarrassed about it and I am not one bit ashamed to talk about it. I pity those who are and I am saddened by those who stick their heads in the sand and pretend that it does not exist. It exists all around them! Most families are just to prideful to admit it.

I take full accountability for myself and my actions. Particularly the part of taking my medication, seeing my doctors, and keeping myself knowledgeable about the illness and other mental illnesses as well. We fear what we do not know. I now understand how my brain works and there are chemicals that don't stay balanced without the help of the med's. I realize it is no different than a pancreas that does not make enough insulin to regulate blood sugar. However our brains are complicated and we need to do much more research to understand them more fully. Unfortunately those with mental illnesses stay quiet and suffer alone because of the stigma or the possible repercussions in the work place, not to mention the entire can of worms it opens with insurance.

My son Chase read Unquiet Mind just last week. This is a small portion of the letter he wrote to me following his reading the book...

...I see the similarity of the obvious things such as no sleep and accomplishing super human things when you are manic and then when you are depressed you feel hopeless and sad and wish you were dead. But interestingly I found that each of you, even though at times you wish you were dead, you never regretted being born. You made the separation. I also found it interesting that she knew life was something good and that there were things to be happy about and that the world wasn't all bad. I feel that you feel the same way. The last thing i noticed is that when both you and she are manic you get so many things going that when you drop and lose all energy and strength you are left with so much to do that you've started but can't get it finished so it places stress on you...I want to tell you how much more I've come to love you and appreciate you after reading these books. I love you and you are my hero. I can't say more about who my Mom is and that I'm Her son. Mom I love you and you are special. I thank you for your love towards me and the mother you've been. I couldn't imagine having somebody different for my mother.

My three sons have been amazingly loving and respectful towards me. My husband has been long suffering and patient. They have all suffered along with me. We now enjoy a quite normal life because we do understand this illness.

How do you get rid of this illness? You don't! You manage it! It can be managed just fine in many cases and you can enjoy the green grass...or you can pretend there is nothing wrong,blame it on everybody else, swing from high to low, make your family miserable and just be an all out crab. You choose.

Teal We SISTERs Loose our ever living MINDS

This pic is of my special niece McKenna. She is looking for crickets at her Grandma's house (my sister). I do not know what is going on, truly I don't, but she now has a cricket! I received this email from my sister just a few days ago...

Good Morning Sis and BEST FRIEND!

Just checking if you brought your cricket over lasterday (McKenna's word)? Just as I was falling asleep (on my med's) I heard a cricket in my bedroom?! I swear I'm not making this shit up! I thought, as I was going in to my state of delirium...I have been around Lori a lot and maybe I am having sympathy for her trauma with the cricket.....well about 4 hrs later when I awoke to use the bathroom, I realized I was really being invaded by a cricket?! This made me laugh (great in the middle of the night). Took another pill covered my head and eventually dozed off again! I can't find the damn thing this morning....been up since 6?! Any suggestions for tonight?

Here is my response back...

IF you do have a cricket in your upstairs bedroom…there is a message! I not quite sure what but just maybe it’s DAVE bugging the hell out of us like he always has...

This little saga continues the next night...

McKenna came to help Grandma get thru her first night (she had some outpatient surgery), and the damn cricket was back again?! So she got out the magnifying glass. Never heard from the cricket except one time in the night! If you need to obtain her for PEST control....she is relatively cheap (just a little demanding)!

Just so you know, our house has been cricket free for two weeks, my sister got a small taste of a cricketful night.

Was my brother trying to send a message from heaven? Is he laughing and saying, "Whoa, these two blondes don't get a message even if it's clicking in their ears all night long!"

We 3 sibling were a crazy bunch. It has been confirmed. Unteal the SISTERs join you my sweet brother in the teal blue heavens, please no more crickets.

Forget-me-Not

Love is a funny thing. It grows, it changes. It sometimes turns out to be not what you really expected it to be. The expectations we have at 14 are not the same as what we have when we are 24, 34 or 44. Nor do I believe my expectations will stay the same at 55, 65, or 75. Life changes and we change, or so we hope we do. We grow up and we grow along. We grow along with life.

I believe in being happy. I believe that happiness is a choice. If you are in a relationship with someone I believe you have a responsibility to contribute to the well being of that person and the happiness of that person, otherwise why be in the relationship? The question is so much deeper than, "What is in this for me?" "Are my needs being met?" It really becomes a questions of, "How can the world be a better place by our having found each other?"

Don't you want people to say after you leave them. "I like myself better after having been with her or him!" Don't you think happy people are more effective people. How about people who are in love? Don't you think they are happier?

Beautiful relationships take courage, they challenge us to be. When love is there we must meet it with back bone, and when we do we change yet again. Finding ourselves and then finding one another is like going home. But now the yard is filled with beautiful Forget-Me-Not wildflowers...and believe me the colors are beautiful!