Let Go

Recently i have been listening more and talking less..and i needed to stop talking! I have also taken more time to listen to music and read. I came across this passage from Eckart Tolle, one of my favorite authors.

"The egoic self is always engaged in seeking. It is seeking more of this or that to add to itself, to make itself feel more complete. This explains the ego's compulsive preoccupation with the future. Whenever you become aware of yourself "living for the next moment," you have already stepped out of that egoic mind pattern, and the possibility of choosing to give your full attention to this moment arises simultaneously. By giving your full attention to this moment, an intelligence far greater than the egoic mind enters your life."  --Eckart Tolle

Change always brings about relflection. I change every day. Life has a way of teaching us -- humbling us. How grateful i am to have eyes to read and ears to hear the beautiful lyrics and melodies of music.

How grateful i am to have 3 stalwart sons. How lucky i am to be close to all 3. I am blessed they have wives that love them and stand by them through all of lifes challenges. And the sweetest part of this stage of life is being "grams" to 2 perfect grandsons.

Bode - getting so big at 8 months

Collin -
 on one of our train rides at Lagoon

 And my very best friend, confidante and mentor is my mom.

My Mom with Bode at 3 months old

I can't ask God for much more. Well, accept Daisy!

Crazy Daisy

Risks

I am a risk taker, albeit maybe less now than in years past. Life lessons do have a way of tempering spirits with the highest of highs and lowest of lows.

At 23 I was full of passion for getting ahead in the world of business. I met challenges with confidence and aggression. At 33 I was in the midst of raising 3 active-gregarious boys, taking on a second business location..and..facing internal battles inside my head about God and religion. The faith of my youth was being challenged and I was in utter confusion. At 43 I was still in a heap of confusion over spiritual things and my feisty enthusiasm for the almighty dollar and prestige was beginning to wane. What I wanted most of all was peace. Peace. Just to Be.  

At 48 I left everything that was familiar and secure to me to excavate what I believed--or did not believe--and what I wanted in love. I fully expected that this risk would pay off…and now…as I approach 53 I find myself in a good place with much less stress than what my life was accustomed to, and just maybe feeling I have found what I’ve been looking for. I have simplified my life in every way, throwing out or giving away old ideas, things and beliefs.

In my life I have experienced so many manifestations that life comes full circle. These days most of my hours are spent working for my son in his auto dealership and body shop. I may have been a risk taker in my day, but T.J. is a risk taker on steroids! I now understand what my mom went through as she worked for me for 24 years. I have learned so much from my son--like I said--full circle. I have learned the greatest lessons from my 3 boys, each different, each unique and each equally and unabashedly loved. These boys have been patient with me and have supported me during some excruciating pain, that’s what happens when you love deeply.

So I return now, full circle, to matters of the heart and risk for what I believed long ago, to Live, Laugh, and Love with reckless abandon. Ok- forget the reckless.

Matters of the Heart

Heber Valley, Utah

It is a majecstic Sunday morning. I sit in a beautiful lodge overlooking the Heber valley. The view from the deck is a mountain ridge, and off on the horizon there is a profile of a woman etched in the mountain. She is lying on her back, looking upwards towards the sky, her hair flows downward cascading from her forehead. We named her Vogue...for what a pose she strikes. Her given name is Utahna, and through the legends told about her and her lover, we may find an opportunity to develop meaningful connections in our world.

Utahna's profile can be seen by looking at the left side of this photo on the horizon

Another view of "Vogue" from the deck

If she were real, and she obviously is, her priority is to provide beauty and inspiration in our world. It is her destiny. The focus of her eyes point upward toward heaven. She never takes her focus of that which is her destiny. There are differing versions of her destiny:

"Red Eagle desires the beautiful Utahna, and will either achieve a great feat or lead her to believe he is a god in order to take her as a wife. Meanwhile, Utahna is either pursued by many for marriage, or chosen to present herself as a sacrifice to appease the gods and end the drought. The two become great lovers, but jealousy of others or Utahna's revelation that Red Eagle is not a god ends their happiness. The tale may end as jealous warriors ambush Red Eagle on Mount Timpanogos, causing him to fall to his death, and remain immortalized as the beautiful Emerald Lake. Utahna is so distraught at this news, she lies down on the mountain top and dies, hence the outline of a woman can be seen today."

"In alternate versions of the legend, Utahna proceeds to jump from Mount Timpanogos as a sacrifice for her people once she discovers Red Eagle has deceived her. Red Eagle's deceit is usually revealed after he is wounded by a bear, because gods would be invincible, and Utahna pities him and nurses him back to health. Utahna jumps from Mount Timpanogos as she was tasked to do, and Red Eagle finds her body taking it back into their home within the Timpanogos Cave system. His great sadness causes him to brood over her body, until the god Timpanogos has mercy on the lovers and joins their bleeding hearts into one, the "Great Heart" stalactite found in the Timpanogos Cave System. "

My friend that I spent this weekend with said to me, "you can be focused, but your priority may not serve you; and likewise, you may have the right priority but lack focus. " Ahhhh, profound words!

The yin and yang of life is most intriguing, I suppose we look for balance in all things. When it is there we feel whole. Just like nature, there is purpose in every living thing, we are all connected.

There is a butterfly that hangs over the door of the deck of this magnificent lodge,  the butterfly has significance for my friend, likewise butterflies have great significance for me as well. It was of surprise when I noticed it...and yet...maybe not.

"Interpreting animal symbolism is a powerful way to connect with nature, and learn lessons from her creatures - lessons that we can apply to our own lives. Observing the butterfly and learning her symbolic meanings offers us an opportunity to apply her movements to our own lives. For example, we can relate the butterfly's stages of life to our own life-phases...growing pains, times of ravenous hunger, times of vulnerability, moments of miraculous expansion. The more we seek symbolism in nature, the more we realize we have a lot in common with animals, insects and life in the wild realms. Indeed, we are intimately connected with the animal queen/kingdom - inseparable from nature and her movements."

As I moved over the last 2 weeks, I indeed experienced: growing pains, times of ravenous hunger, times of vulnerability and moments of miraculous expansion and discovery. I discarded or gave away most of my material possessions. It was a simple task to walk around my apartment and choose what meant something to me. If it was monetary and replaceable it no longer had value to me. Simple things such as pictures, mementos and books had meaning.

Where my priorities lie, and where I challenge myself now is this: 

staying focused on matters of the heart.

If I could touch one lonely soul

I'd like to tell you what I saw,
The sleeping dreams of four-years-old:
I stood upon the stage so tall, Sea of people floating down below
And farther than my eyes could see,  
These outstretched hearts were turned toward me  
Well from the center of my beam,
The purest love was flowing freely
If I could touch one lonely soul,  
If I could heal and be so bold  
To be a spark, to be a light,
Set one heart on fire;  
That's all I ever wanted That's all I want, That's all I ever really wanted... That's all I ever wanted

If it's wrong for me to want to change the world with what I got  
Let me make my own mistakes,  

That's a chance I'm gonna take If I'm right, 
I saw you all,  
In my dreams so long ago
And if you're broken, you should know,
I'm here, you're not alone
If I could touch one lonely soul,
If I could heal and be so bold  
To be a spark, to be a light,  
Set one heart on fire;  
That's all I ever wanted That's all I want, That's all I ever really wanted... That's all I ever wanted

Star light, star bright, 
I'm gonna make it right Star light, star bright, 
I'll be their star tonight Star light, star bright, yes I may, yes I might
Alright, alright, I'm gonna make it right
If I could touch one lonely soul,
If I could heal and be so bold  
To be a spot, to be a light,
Set one heart on fire;
That's all I ever wanted That's all I want, That's all I ever really wanted... That's all I ever wanted

Kate Earl 

Spirituality Defined

The Long Road Home

The long way home

Some pain is in your soul for so long it becomes unknown to you, you hardly know it's there, until it is gone... It's lingering affects have been chemical warfare silently killing you with each breath you take and each thought you make, or you have chose to bury it so long you were unaware it lived inside. My pain has been mostly private and silent, occasionally manifesting itself in a violent or melancholy dream or self destructive behaviors. This was mostly acted out in my 30's. I wonder, am I alone?, there must be others with some stories similar to my own?

I am getting older, hopefully wiser, feeling less entitled and more grateful for the roads I have traveled, no matter the bumps in the road. Life can be hard for many, and probably for most; no one is entitled to a privileged life, although the American dream still holds fast. I have not, or do not ever give up and it is not necessarily the monetary riches that i once sought in my 20's that i seek now, it is peace and contentment of a secure and fun life, filled with time, friends and family.

At this juncture I am no more, actually less inclined, to share my burdens with others, i find peace in the strength of a Higher Power. The pains that have exercised my shoulders to stand up, despite the discomfort, is exactly what gave me the perseverance through life's situational disappointments and tragedies. i hold no bitterness or no one at fault for these disappointments and tragedies, this is life lessons and the journey.

Some days it is hard to get out of bed, the day is filled with daunting tasks that ensure an overload of physical pain that will manifest in my back and neck. The difference today is I can get out of bed, in my world there is nothing worse thus far than not being able to participate in life. There were many days in years gone by I could not. Even getting into the shower was an insurmountable task. 

Each day now brings a new and different challenge, facing challenges alone as i am soon to join the ranks of being single at 48 is scary yet I embrace the new life for it is best for all concerned. My Aging and aching body is at the least annoying, yet proof that mind over matter has immense power. Watching my grown children make some choices i made at their age, yet different for their own reasons and very much each individually their own person, makes me burst with happiness and cry crocodile tears all the same. I allow them to live their journey and rejoice when they allow me to be with them, no matter the weather, sunny, cloudy or torrential rains.

I live today for me. For me, I find purpose in loving others without conditions. Today i am fulfilling my purpose authentically. I have not always felt received by unconditional love. Conditional love is cold, hard and pain at it's finest. I now know I am perfect just as i am...and you are too. I am letting go of the pain. I hope your journey takes your there too. You must push through the pain, face the fear and sometimes be willing to leave the comforts of what you have to get what you want and really need more. What i wanted more was simple. Peace within. I hold no one to blame, i take full accountability for my past and my present. I am reminded...the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I am neither in sane nor was i willing to keep getting the same results. Life has been by no means horrible, as i make changes once again in my life, it is uncomfortable but i know i am growing and facing my fears and moving away from my pain. i follow my heart, my head has talked me out of many things many times, for even though i am free-spirited on one side, i am also pragmatic on the other.

Mental illness, though it can be a wicked debilitating disease it does NOT have to be. Taking medication to balance the neurotransmitters (brain chemistry), awareness of triggers and knowledge of the illness can keep you healthy and as functioning as any other person with any other disease. Mental illness has many different faces and it can be complicated and equally fascinating, there is no other organ on earth as complicated and powerful as the brain. There is absolutely no shame in a mental illness; there is if it is used as an excuse, or you become victimized or you victimize others by bad behavior. Knowledge and accountability is empowerment and  successful living. 

I would not change my experiences or that of my family history. I am deep and rich with emotion and feeling from many generations. I channel it positively and reach out and help others who have had similar experiences. I have yet to meet someone who has not been affected by mental illness, the question is who is comfortable talking about it openly? In absolute clarification, I am.

I have often taken the long road home.

Your Right to be Happy

I was given some kind of label, or diagnosis as it seems 8 years ago. They call it bipolar.
I give little attention to it now, simply because I am faithful to my 2 med's and I am knowledgeable about mental illness. I am cognizant of triggers and keep myself healthy by managing my illness, much like a diabetic manages their illness. I believe there are many who may live happier lives if they would pay attention to their own life; i.e. have awareness of their own behavior. People in general are awfully judgmental towards another. That may sound quite judgmental in and of itself, it's not meant to be. Shouldn't we pay more attention to our own business and life, keeping our own lives in check, rather than casting opinions towards how others live?

I find it interesting how some people have so much time to worry and talk about other people and their choices, yet they don't take time to examine their own. How many times have I said, "walk a mile in somebody...ahh, you can finish the rest.

On my drive home from work tonight i spoke to T.J., he was out having fun with some friends. Our conversation was delightful and with a cheery attitude he said, "my house caught on fire, my dog's died, my grandpa got cancer and my parents are getting divorced, but I can still get out and have fun, life goes on." It almost sounds like a country song.

Life teaches us many things and it certainly changes. Sometimes we don't choose those changes. Sometimes those changes hurt, they hurt a lot; but we can choose to carry on and we can choose the high road. The road that leads in the direction that will take us to greener pastures or so that is usually our plan. Optimism is always the best plan. I've never known a happy pessimist. I'm trying to give up being Right, I just wanna be Happy.

Thoughts...in a BOX

One year for Christmas I gave my beautiful mother a decorative “Christmas” box with a copy of the book, “The Christmas Box” and a letter I had written to her. My intentions were to write her a letter each year so she could keep it in her pretty box. As good intentions go, no other Christmas letters have been written but my sweet mom has started a tradition of her own.

When we were little Mom made each of us our own Christmas stocking. Each of us was very proud of our stocking because she spent several hours on each one. Christmas day is now rather quiet for our family and after all the hustle of the season we welcome the peace. I asked my mom what she was doing for Christmas this year and she said, “I’m staying home alone and writing my letters to each of you kids. I like to be alone on Christmas.”

I found out several years ago that Mom started writing letters to Sherry, Richard and Amanda, (Dave’s children) and me.  Honestly I do not know what kind of a “stocking” my mom is putting these letters in, and I don’t care about the stockings, but I am touched by her love and expression of making it a tradition to write a letter to each of us. Sometimes the spoken word is difficult for us. What a treasure we will have for years to come when our loved ones depart and we have their feelings and words to reflect upon.

Sometimes we don’t capture the “moments.” Such as when our children say the cutest and funniest things! If you are a parent, I know you can relate. We think we will remember…well, we don’t! I did write down some of those things…I just can’t remember where I filed that paper…I know it’s here in the house…SOMEWHERE! 

So my advice, get a beautiful box, chest or trunk, and some pretty paper and every time your kids do something cute or funny jot it down and put it in your BOX. And don’t forget… sometimes we have an ephiphany or two of our own… write those down too, and then some time, grab a quiet night and open your box or boxes…and enjoy those quite times alone. You can reminisce, cry, laugh, and enjoy right where you are. Oh, and I suggest you indulge in your favorite drink and treat, a coke zero and a cookie would accompany me, along with a pack of dogs.

Roxee, Dozer, Zion...Lucy had not joined us when this was taken... and they are not as obedient since she has! We are working on things. Puppies. :)

Self-Destructive Pants on the Ground

Sometimes I am nothing more than a hypocrite. Saying one thing yet completely doing another. The internal battle or war of conscience begins, and it is an ugly battle. I lose. I lose and come out with gashes and scars of proportional size. I wonder…to what degree do others do this self-defeating repetitive ritual? I surely cannot be alone in this.

Self-destructive behaviors, I know them all to well. They are like the familiar pair of jeans I have had since I was a teenager, only completely too small and therefore look terrible and make me feel uncomfortable in my own jeans (and genes). I think we hide these “behaviors” because of our EGOS and sometimes these “jeans” unfortunately DO get comfortable. Sometimes they have been with us for so long; we may not even realize that we are wearing them… and they are not so… becoming!

It seems as if I have been blessed with important times in which I now refer to as my, “humility calls” wherein I slow down and take an inventory of what is important in my life. It is in my nature to let the tasks of life speed me up, then weigh me down and overshadow what I value most. What I value most is relationships with my loved ones. I also value a peaceful and a content soul. To some these things come natural, for me, I must work at them.

For those of you who battle the self-destructive behavior GENES,
wouldn’t it be great if we could just put those PanTs on the GrounD once and for all?

Sly Yellow Foxtails

This mature yellow Foxtail is classified as the "natural enemy weed"! I suppose there are other things in life that are natural enemies to us as well.

One of the things I have found to be quite destructive is making assumptions. We automatically assume that whatever we think to be RIGHT...in OUR minds, often times can turn out to be our own personal enemy. Ironically we created the enemy, justified the enemy, dramatized the enemy and it just plain made life harder than it had to be for ourselves and those around us! Whether it is a situation, a relationship, a belief, or anything in our lives that causes us discomfort, somewhere along the way someone (mostly ourselves) assumed something, and we believed it!

One of my favorite books of all time is The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz. The 4 agreements are: 1)Keep your word. 2)Don't take things personally. 3) Don't make assumptions. 4) Do your best.

My thoughts are that we make assumptions about everything because we do not ask and/or answer enough questions! Basic poor communication.

You have probably heard the expression 'Sly as a Fox'. Well I have no desire to be sly. I want to live what ever time I have left as real as possible.

As I 'do my best' to live by these four agreements, it is a continual awareness on my part as to whether or not I am actually even close to living by any one of the agreements. It is much harder than you can imagine. But just being cognitive of these principles has brought some understanding as to the drama we create for ourselves and just how important good communication is for inner peace and happiness.

And finally accepting ourselves for the imperfect beings that we are. I certainly have varying degrees of "BEst" from day to day! Yes, I do realize other people may be more consistent than I and that's okay too!! When I am good I am very very good...when I am bad, well you know the rest of the story...:)

My Christmas Eve White Blanket of Peace

I am dogsitting for the holiday! This beautiful white ball of fur is Izzy. Izzy and my dog Zion are best friends. Don't let their difference in size fool you. Zion generally dominates when it comes to play time with toys, but that is just because Izzy is so mild mannered and has the disposition of a Saint. Zion and Izzy know what it means to comfort a soul in need. For that they are special beyond words...and spoiled beyond comprehension.

Izzy has been with us for a few days now and it is amazing to get to know the personality of a dog. They differ just as humans. Izzy's family was hit by tragedy last March. They lost their daughter in a skiing accident and I believe it is by no accident that Izzy was meant to be in their home to help heal and soothe them during their times of need. As I work in my home office I have had a picture of Izzy and Jocie that I took 3 weeks prior to her accident hanging to the left of my screen. It helps remind me of what Jocie taught me. One: that life is fragile and it can change in an instant. Two: Love purely, unconditionally and vivaciously. Three: Go BIG or Go HOME.This was her motto and she lived by it thoroughly.

Jocie went home on March 22, 2008. Anyone that knew her has never been the same for she had a "big personality". She was as full of life as her red hair was beautiful, but for as much as we do not understand why tragedies happen we must trust in the Lord in all His goodness and know that He will take care of us through the good and the bad. Life IS hard. I don't believe it was meant to be easy because if you really reflect on your life and ask yourself when have I grown the most, I think you will discover it is when life is the toughest. When you have to claw your way out of darkness is when you really find out who you are and what is really important to you.

All to often we make Christmas about us. How tired we are, how many presents WE gave, got, wrapped. How much WE cooked, cleaned, worked, ate, partied, shopped. Every time I catch on to that old inkling of when you lose yourself you will find yourself low and behold it works!! It's a funny thing. When I get caught up in myself...that is when I am the most miserable.

Christ was ALWAYS the perfect example. Humble, meek, mild, patient, long suffering, understanding, kind, charitable. We complicate a lot of things. This life really is short. It is meant to be happy, joyful and peaceful. Today I am grateful to snuggle up to a white blanket of peace along with my consistent companion Zion.

Two of my three boys will be gone this Christmas. There are no presents under our tree this year. Our boys are older, our extended family is under different circumstances this year. Nothing however seems amiss. My glass is always half full because that is the perspective I choose (most of the time). No one was a better example of standing up though being spat upon, beaten, teased, tested, whipped, homeless and forsaken. After all the dumb things I have done He has NEVER forsaken me!

I am grateful to be able to reflect and remember Christ this CHRISTmas and to have had a white blanket of peace come to me.