Addiction Part I

 Two years ago was the lowest i'd ever been in my life, and i've had my share of lows. I had moved to a new apartment and sworn off hard alcohol. I can't stand the taste of beer but it was the lesser of 2 evils to satiate my addiction. Oh sure, every morning for the previous 7 years i would go to bed and promise myself i would never take another drink. I got through a few of those days, even went through awful withdrawals several times. One detox attempt got so bad that for 2 hours i was sure i was dying, and for some reason i was begging God to let me live. That particular detox was spent with my mother at my side and hitting my knees several times an hour repeating..."help me, help me, help me." I was in sheer desperation feeling as though i needed to die to get out of my pain..i thought of how it would effect my kids.

My frequent attempts to quit drinking were so many i could not count, and then it happened..i had been drinking beer through the night to try to realize some sleep. Alcohol is a sleep disrupter, and waking up every couple of hours was all i knew. I'm not sure how many hours of sleep i got that night but it wasn't much. Beer couldn't knock me out like the hard liquor. 

I had a doctor's appointment at 8:30 a.m., and not feeling drunk i drove to my appointment. Because of a situation that was plaguing our family I was having cross words with my sister on the drive, and unnerved to say the least. When i pulled up to the parking space, by mistake i hit the gas, hard, instead of the brake. It threw me into the front of the building in front of me and took out the front end of the car i was driving from the dealership. 

Not long after the cops were swarming me and i took a trip to the emergency room and got myself a very very expensive DUI.

I found myself with no job to go to, no car and the love of my life had had enough. 

To be continued...

Addiction Part II

  ...Continued from Addiction Part 1

How could this have happened? In one fell swoop i managed to lose my license, lose my boyfriend and lose my job. What was i to do? My mom called and i would answer sometimes, but most of all i wanted to hide. My boys were pretty much through with my bad behavior as well as Kevin, my boyfriend, and seeing that there was nothing they could do, they all stayed away...hoping this was the answer to many prayers on my behalf to get sober. I had hit rock bottom.

Two days after the accident i went to my doctor and she immediately sent me to the hospital to detox. I was there for 3 days, but as soon as i got home i went straight to the gas station to buy more beer.  I continued to drink by going to the gas station (i had no car and no license) nearby and buy an 18 pack of beer for the day. I still had a little money in my bank account, but not much. I made sure i never ran out of beer because staying numb was the only way i could cope at the time.

Upon my release at the hospital there had been arrangements for me to get a new Doc. My new Doc was a Psychiatrist instead of a Physicians Assistant. My first appointment with my new Doc was two and a half hours of disclosing my mental health issues that had plagued me my whole life and my addiction. It became apparent to me i had tried to play doctor to myself for years (self medicating). Over the years i had done plenty of adjusting my own meds in a desperate attempt to not have another crash.

My new Psyche talked to me about something called co-morbidity and that mental health issues and addiction go hand in hand in the attempt to self medicate. I'd never heard of such a thing, i just always took myself for a weak person and conquering my addiction was constantly gnawing away at me. 

Adjustments to my medication were slowly made and within 3 months i was on a new regimen, including a once a month shot (vivitrol) that prohibited me from feeling any type of euphoria from alcohol. I no longer could get drunk even when i tried. And try i did, for the first week, i felt nothing but rotton when i took a drink. I was to take this terribly expensive shot once a month for a year, and the science shows that after a period of time the grooves in my brain that told me to drink would be making other pathways.

To be continued...

Addiction Part III

  ...Continued from Addiction Part II 

Addiction and depression are so indescribable unless you've been there and lived it, and i had lived it. Was i trying to self medicate all these years just to try to feel what i had hoped would be normal? For as early as Jr. High days i'm not sure what normal was supposed to feel like. I can say that the numerous highs i have been on are intoxicating. I am never more creative, energetic and happy than when i go into a manic phase. Unfortunately they are always followed by a crushing low. The lows are enough to make you want to just run, run as if a bear were chasing you down and there is no way out. The bear always wins, because what ever goes up, eventually must come down. Thats' called bipolar depression. 

Make no mistake, chemical depression is a whole different ball game than situational depression. Situational depression is caused by some circumstance in your life that makes you feel sad. A chemical depression crash is a lack of chemicals in your brain and all the joy is sucked out of life and you feel like you'd rather not take another breath, because life just hurts. I've had these crashes many many times throughout my life. Since i have been seeing my psychiatrist i have had very few crashes and they have been short lived. I rarely ever think about drinking now and the smell of alcohol haunts me. 

Addiction Part IV

  ...Continued from Addiction Part III

In the 1930's scientist started to study addiction. It was believed then that addictics were morally weak and had no willpowers. New science has corrected that belief, however the general judgment is still from the 30's and more education is needed. Despite the advances in research many people do not understand why people become addicted to substances and how these substances change the brain to bring about the compulsive behavior.

Scientist now know that addiction is a disease that affects both the brain and behavior. The initial decision to use drugs or alcohol is voluntary. The down side is no one knows who will become addicted. Research shows if you have addiction in your family you are more suseptable The brain is a communication center made up of billions of neurons. Each nerve cell in the brain sends and receives messages in the form of electrical and chemical signals. Drugs and alcohol affect the brain by tapping into its communication system and interfering with the way neurons normally send, receive, and process information.

There is still more research to be done and much more education, preventative care and access to a medically assited means for beating addiction. For me it's very simple. I now take a little pill called Naltrexone that works the same way as the vivitrol shot. It prevents me from feeling any pleasure if i were to take a drink. Why would i ever drink if there is no pleasure?

My family never gave up on me, and Kevin and i eventually weathered the storm. My relationships are stronger than they have ever been because i am sober. There is no better feeling than being true to yourself, living with guilt and shame is no way to live.

If you are battling addiction or any kind of mental illness there is help and hope. The first step is your ability to make the decision you don't want to live in bondage from addiction any longer. There is a way to no longer feel guilt and shame. There is help and you cannot do it alone.

It feels great to not be ashamed to tell my story...now, well,  life is good.

https://www.samhsa.gov/medication-assisted-treatment/medications-counseling-related-conditions

Ignorance hurts

I'm angry too!! Those who don't get this are either in denial or thus far in life have not been touched by mental illness. I have. It hurts. Ignorance hurts.

Read this!

If we would have understood maybe my brother Dave would have enjoyed fishing with his son, watched his babies earn trophies, and laid his grandchildren on his belly.

Dave always patient for the biggest fish. Richard his son follows in his footsteps.

Jr. Prom and touting his basketball trophies.

Amanda lying on her Dad. Amanda now has 2 boys.

It's a Brain Theme

Something happened to me the other day that well, frankly sent me into a bit of a meltdown. My dad said this sort of thing happened to him and he does not have any type of mental illness. What he has had is a lifetime of stress, financial pressure and responsibility for many people. I have felt his pain. I laugh at him because he can roll around numbers and interest in his head easier than putting those electric suction things on the cow’s teats (my dad was a dairy farmer).

So here is what happened...my brain, it feels like it short circuited. It just goes kaput, into the fog, on overload. I value my intelligence. I like to think. And actually I think too much. This may be why it does this, this short circuit business.

It happens when I am doing numbers. Spread sheets to be exact. I am NOT a numbers person; math and I don't get along. I get business accounting sheerly on account of I HAD to! And when you see red you work hard. I am a hard worker.

So apparently doctors can be wrong. A few years ago I was told that with each manic episode I had I would lose brain cells, and that this disease may induce early Alzheimer’s. Therefore strict adherence to my med's, as well as self management was imperative. It really scared me…Then I just got used to the idea if I totally lost my mind, well, I guess I wouldn't really know! ;)

Anyway back to the point, thank goodness for continuing research! They have found that anti-depressants rebuild brain cells. Go figure!? Yep, anti-depressants cause brain cells to grow in the hippocampus. So what’s the hippocampus? It’s where learning and memory take place in the brain. The scientific name for cell regrowth is called "neurogenesis."

Don't get me wrong, the crowd I belong to are no dummies:



Which is an entirely different subject, but all the same this blog (inclusive of a comment by yours truly) IS very cool...Is Bipolar Cool?

And don’t take my word for it! What do I know! It’s Drs. Manji and Duman's research. It is fascinating and great news.

Our brains…a wonderful theme, I mean thing!

What These Feet Feel In the Yellow Florida Sun

These "Jordan Kicks" were on my sons feet out in Florida on a P-day where he is serving a mission for our church. Florida is supposedly the SUNSHINE state. I equate sunshine with happiness and the color YELLOW with being happy. As in everything Florida has taken its fair share of rain and hurricanes. As for me, I would never choose to live in Florida. Our family vacationed there and had a blast. Live there? I'll pass. I suppose it is what we get used to...I kind of like the four changes of seasons where I live.

Grey skies...they come...and they come unfortunately to those families who have inherited this awful thing called mental illness. My brave and stalwart son has battled some depression out in the mission field as he has served in Florida. Again we are not a family that is ashamed of this medical issue, however we still fight the battle of ignorance all around.

Missionaries walk and they walk a lot, or they ride their bikes. They do have access to a car on occasion to get to certain destinations. Getting out in the fresh air and exercise is especially good for depression. This has been documented and proven time after time, however when the depression persists beyond several weeks there is no exercising, praying, thinking, dieting, or perfect living this stuff away. You need help and you need humility. I say humility because it is usually pride that keeps us from saying, "I need help, I can't seem to get over this feeling." If you ever find yourself saying that, don't waste another precious day, getting help is easier than you think. Everyone's path for healing and feeling better is different. Reaching out is your first step.

I wish that each of us could walk a mile in 10 other peoples shoes...maybe some Jordans, some military combat boots, ballet shoes, or possible rags because shoes were not affordable or even available. I believe we would then look at the world through different eyes because of what our feet felt. But it is so easy to get self-absorbed. Another way to help with depression is to help someone else...however it is well known that you cannot give away what you do not have yourself.

A message to my son...I love you more than words could possibly say. When your feet hit the streets of Florida, though they may be heavy, carry on for you are a strength and example to many. Your heart may ache for the comforts of home, but there are others who will never go home at all. Your mind may twist and turn with grey thoughts that tear you down and tell you that you are worth very little, but remember my son you were preserved and given another chance in this life, you were meant to SHINE ON!!!

Hill of Red Beans

I had a beautiful young girl stop by to see me last night. How fortunate I have been to have relationships with young girls, even though my children are all boys. I cherish the tenderness of girls. By no means are my boys not tender though. They are extremely tender, however society teaches the male gender that it is not as "socially acceptable" to show their feelings. I think this is the biggest bunch of hog wash, but who am I to change society?! Fact is, I know the tenderness of my boys, and they know it, and we show it to each other in the proper times, and it is BEA-utiful.



My friend who came by, brought me a cheerful little gift, and words of love and encouragement. I shared with her the changes that I will be making within my position in my business, as well as the changes in my med's AGAIN!..

This discussion of medication opened up the door to how she had been feeling lately. She confided that it was difficult for her to get herself to get in the shower at times, much less to school. And the tears began...hers, mine, it did not matter, we got it!!!

I've been there, she's been there, chances are she will be there again and I will too. This is called depression, and IT HURTS. There is no pain killer for it and no one "gets it," unless they have lived it..really lived it. I am not talking about situational depression, I am talking about the kind where you can't get yourself to feel any joy at all, and the type that you can't explain why..it just sits on you like an ugly black dog.

Her mother has depression and is on an anti-depressant and I asked her if she was. She said that she was not because she could not bring herself to doing that. I got the impression that she felt that she thought she was weak, if she could not get "over this" or that she was still too young to resort to anti-depressants. Yes, she is young and she has been through some really tough things in her young life.

In as loving of a way as I possibly could, I tried to explain a few things that I have come to know, by way of study and purely personal experience and observing a lot of people. Our brains are very complicated; we know a whole lot more today than we did 5 years ago and especially 20 years ago. There are feel good chemicals in our brain called serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, if these chemicals get out of balance (depleted=depression) (abundance=mania) then you just feel unhappy, lousy, like not getting out of bed, the degrees vary, if there is too much of the chemical the opposite happens which creates a bipolar effect. Depression is among the most treatable of psychiatric illnesseses. Depression affects 10% of Americans today and 4% with bipolar disorder. Between 80 percent and 90 percent of people with depression respond positively to treatment, and almost all patients gain some relief from their symptoms. But first, depression has to be recognized.

Situational events may bring on bouts of depression, and medication may be the way to put the chemistry back in balance. Some fear they will never be able to go off medication once they start. Why is there such fear about these anti-depressants and not about other drugs? Why such bias? And my argument is, if it improves your life, and those around you, what's the problem, it's a little pill! Have we fallen again for the sensationalism of the media about mental illness? Who fell over the cookoo's nest? YOU, if you fall for that crap! It is just our brain and it is sick, help it, don't be ashamed, it's not your fault.

Here is what I AM saying: anti-depressants and medication ARE NOT for everyone., Yes I know about the book Prozac Nation, media, media, media. Tom Cruise saying that he doesn't believe in anti-depressants, whatev Tom, like anybody cares what you say anymore? Statistics, statistics, statistics, they don't mean a hill of beans if it does not work for you. If you knew how many med's I have been on you'd cry with me too. Addiction, yep, detox, yep, sick, yep, AWFUL, YEP! BTW: I tried the ala NATARALE route too right after detox, that catapulted my very worst bout of mania!

Find what works FOR YOU. Put that HILL of BEANs where it counts... on you. You might have to put your pride aside, not might, you will, if you're honest. Forget about what everyone else is saying all around you, and get quiet enough to figure it out with YOURSELF, and you may want to call on that Big Man in the Sky...on a personal note He's worked miracles for me, many times.

What a Kaleidoscope IT IS!

Last week two ladies in my neighborhood dropped by my house to visit. After having spent an hour or so with them my heart was filled with compassion for Jan and Linda (not their real names). They shared the burdens and worries of their children, each have different challenges with mental illnesses.

Linda speaks with remarkable ease about her son who took his own life 5 years ago. He was diagnosed with schizo affective disorder. She is confident that her son is in a better place and she is grateful he no longer suffers as he did.

Linda's 24 year old daughter has had bulimia and now is picking at her face till she bleeds. Jan still searches for some type of answers and firm diagnosis for her 13 year old son. I see the fear in their eyes and the frustration for a system that seems to provide little help. They have so few avenues to turn to anymore.

When I hear of things like this I am sad. Mental illnesses can be a very complex issue. Certain chemicals or molecules in the brain--notably neurotransmitters--along with various enzymes or neurohormones--may be altered in their molecular structure and function. The brain, it's a beautiful, magnificent creation; as is a kaleidoscope. just twist a little and change the way you look at it and you get a little different outcome every time!

I don't consider myself a crusader for the mentally ill, but I am passionate about my feelings. There will be a movie coming out about a man who is bipolar. The movie is called ElectroBoy. While I look forward to its release, I am also nervous because often times the media sensationalizes mental illness.

Open the link if you are interested about info on Electroboy and a comment from yours truly...
Website link

My Magenta Mind...

I love the color magenta. It's bold, it's fun, it's bright, but too much, is just that, too MUCH! I am like that or at least my mind gets to be too much and it spins off its axis. Thursday night as I lay trying to sleep and my mind spun from one picture to the next, from one one-sided conversation with myself to the next, I knew I was in trouble...yet again. I HATE THIS!!! I have been here before, I will be here again, I have lived this cycle many, many times.

I got in on a cancellation with Dr. D. first thing Friday morning. He is complimentary of my ability to recognize the signs and patterns that I get into. We discuss management techniques. (We have discussed these before, but repetition never seems to hurt). I go home and spend all weekend sleeping or reading. I never cease to amaze myself that I can actually sleep 18-20 hours a day. The question still eludes me; is my mind so overworked that it needs this much sleep? Am I escaping my life and therefore just wanting to sleep? What am I feeling right now? Not much!

Actually if I really allow myself to feel I am angry; angry that no one understands this crap, angry that I live with it and I don't always understand it. I can't see it therefore it does not exist. But I feel it and the crash hurts.

My magenta mind has gone gray...

Black Days Gone Bye

Some friends will be friends forever because of the things we experience together. Glenn and Kathy are these kind of friends. They used to live two doors down, now they live in Texas. We saw them tonight and reminisced about old times--good and bad. Glenn and I were both diagnosed with manic depressive illness while we lived in the same neighborhood. His illness did not manifest itself until his early 40's. Mine on the other hand was something I have shown signs of since I was a teenager but unfortunately not diagnosed until I was 39.

This illness, as does all the mental illnesses, have many different faces, and no one remains more responsible for their individual health than the sufferer themselves. Seems strange to say that because mentally ill individuals have been depicted as incompetent to think and care for themselves. I beg to differ! Most mental illnesses, if given proper medication to balance out the brain chemistry, (which in and of itself is a challenge), can lead normal, happy and productive lives. Knowledge of the illness and self management techniques for a healthy lifestyle in understanding triggers that could exacerbate the illness rests upon first, the person with the disease, and then the family.

I remember Glenn's "high" days, (if you're bi-polar you get sick of the word MANIC). Wow, if I was 'up' too we could talk a blue streak. Business was always a favorite topic of ours. If anyone else happened to be in the room, or on the golf course with us, I'm not so sure we even paid much attention to them. We always enjoyed each others company, lively animation and ideas.

One thing you learn in a non-medicated bi-polar persons world...What goes UP must come DOWN! The main reason many who have this illness do not take med's is because they miss the high, the periods of extreme energy, productivity, creativity! Ya, well, at what and whose expense? This illness affects not just the person that has it but everyone who loves that person! It is also amazing to me how people can be embarrassed about taking a couple of pills that will help them be easier to live with, yet not think anything when they have self induced diabetes and have to take insulin to regulate their blood sugar. Interesting how our perspectives might need a little adjustment?

I had long periods of black days in my late 30's. Winters were always particularly hard. I was always searching for an answer to make this black feeling go away. I had been on different anti-depressants off and on for 10 years. I never stuck with them because ultimately the black feeling always lingered.

I tried the natural vitamin/amino acid health regimen, chiropractic, meditation tapes, acupuncture, diet and exercise, prayer, regular counseling, over achieving, and so on until I was defeated and had retreated to my bed. It was customary since I was 16 to have bouts of depressive days that I did not want to get out of bed but by 39 I actually spent a 9 month period in bed. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder shortly after that.

As we had dinner with Glenn and Kathy they reminded me of a time when my world had completely gone black, but somehow I had reached out enough to find myself at their doorstep. Glenn had said that as he open the door I had collapsed in his arms and the conversation that ensued in their home afterwards was nothing but bleak. All hope and feeling for anything had gone. Glenn could do nothing but relate, he had been there. Fortunately those Black Days have Gone BYE...we understand ourselves more fully.

Should anyone suffer from any kind of mental illness, be it depression, anxiety disorder, obsessive/compulsive, stress, grief, there are so many things that can detract from the beauty in our lives; I assure you there are ways out of the abyss. Never, ever give up hope, there were many times I begged to die.

Reach out to someone, I did and I was the better for it!

Knot Weed & Not Sick?

I had an interesting experience while on my cruise last week. I met a man whose wife was severely bi-polar (same illness as mine). He was very inquisitive, defeated, frustrated and seemed to be feeling his marriage may be heading for divorce. 95% of all bi-polar marriages end in divorce (his statistic). I had never heard this statistic, however I am not surprised. His wife was in a current manic episode and he was accompanying his beautiful daughter on her Senior trip. This gentlemen is an extremely well-educated successful man and they have a very large family.

This is a difficult situation, to say the least, on all accounts. My summation coming from spending the evening talking with him and a few others at our dinner table was this: This illness is real, you cannot see it, and there is denial on everyone's part, so everyone deals with it differently. That does not make anyone wrong, however if you want to function, or function well it takes knowledge. Knowledge takes effort.

Effort, first on the part of the sufferer. The person with the illness, MUST understand and know their body and brain chemistry and their illness! They must be responsible for their health as best they can, which is taking their med's, going to their doctor's and understanding their triggers. Their self awareness is imperative to their health and happiness as well as how it affects the entire family.

Second, the family has to be involved by understanding the illness and knowing when Mom, or whomever is sick. Which means depressed or manic. The brain chemistry is off. Too much or too little feel good chemical being emitted into the brain and things are just not right. It effects everyone differently, so do not expect this illness to look the same on everyone.

The media has frighted us. We hate the label "mental illness." Why is that? I think the Knot Weed is pretty in one form. Being manic is a blast, but I am still sick, at least I know now what goes up must come down. Life is perspective. We must remember to keep ours positive and non-judgmental. What is that saying, walk a mile in someones shoes...

Your White Form

"Could you fill out your white form please?" "Sure." I answer.

I didn't know I HAD a white form. I guess I have been coming here so long I can take ownership of it...In the past two weeks have you felt down, depressed, blah blah...
Have you slept less or more than usual, blah blah. Has your appetite increased or decreased, blah, blah. Have you felt bad about yourself to the point it has interfered with your normal life, blah blah. Have you thought about harming, that is killing yourself, blah, blah? Most the time on "tests" you want a high score, on this test if you score 0, you have been in happy land.

I have been in happy land plenty of times, not today. I drug along my journal from yesterday, entitle My Anger Entry to read to Dr. D.. I felt if I read it out loud I could purge it and let it go. I let a lot go in his office. It helped. Somehow I always see a new perspective on either a new or old emotion.

I do not always get a new perspective. Sometimes I just need to be heard with no judgment. Sometimes it feels good to be validated. Dr. D. does not always validate me, which is good. But he always accepts me.

I have 2 doc's. Dr. C. and Dr. D.. Dr. C. prescribes my med's which I currently take 2 med's in the anti-seizure classification and 1 med in the anti-depressant classification. I have had Dr. C. for about 1 1/2 years now and Dr. D. for about 18 years. I love both of them. They are excellent doc's.

I was diagnosed bi-polar a few years ago. I'm not ashamed of it. I could care less who knows. It's not as if I can help it or it is my fault. I do not use it as an excuse. I love to joke about it when I am healthy. When I am chemically imbalanced (sick) I generally just retreat until I feel better. I am familiar with the routine. Unfortunately I have lived it for most of my life. I am now just grateful to understand it. I am also grateful that the downs are few.

So if you should find yourself filling out any kind of WHITE FORM or be it blue, pink or fuscia and they are trying to do "meter a mood" on you. Don't worry about it. Take a deep breath and be freakin' proud of yourself that you had the guts to get help! Most people just wallow in their own pride and misery and think it is going to go away. It doesn't. It calluses over. Those are the people that scream at you when you are driving. Are critical of everyone and everything. Make everything about them because they are hurting for attention or are just your neighborhood grumps. Remember this and send those people loves...and a white form.