Happiness is a State of Mind

Life for me has been so busy the last four years that i have posted only 9 total blogs. In that time i have had 3 more grandsons (no girls in the bunch), built a successul car dealership with my son TJ and fallen deeply in with, well, 

the love of my life.

Kevin & I on top the mountain in Scofield

Kevin Enjoying a slice of heaven for a few days

I can't say the journey has been easy. The last 9 years have been filled with more trial, heartache and sickness than all the previous 30 years combined. I can tell you that divorce, financial ruin and addiction can suck the very life out of you, so much so that many times, well, i wished i didn't have to take another breath. Some types of mental and emotional pain can be so damn hard that living within your own thoughts is torture; and then to get out of that torture you numb youself with anything that makes the thoughts go away. My numbing tool was alcohol.

I'll never forget my first weekend drinking nearly 9 years ago. It was Thanksgiving weekend and i was in Vegas with my new boyfriend. I very specifically told him i didn't think it was a good idea that i drink because of my challenge with opiod addiction in my 30's. I shoved the thought out of my mind and decided it was just time for me to let my hair down and have a good time, and i can say, we had a great time just being with each other and mostly laughing. This new boyfriend was someone from high school and i have never been around someone who could make me belly laugh on a regular basis like he did. We were both going through ugly divorces and laughter was the best medicine either of us could have wanted, except we started mixing that laughter with alcohol.

I met Kevin in November of 2013. He has stuck by me through my trials. After breaking up 6 times we finally have settled into a life together. We never gave up on each other, our connection from the first time we met was magical, and we have strived (and fought) to keep it. In many ways we are mirrors of each other, driven, bull-headed, spiritual and passionate about life and one another.

Although my divorce was what i wanted and felt needed to happen if i was to ever find real happiness and true love, it was way more than i bargained for. I've said many times that had i known what i was going to face i would have stayed in my marriage, even if i was miserable. I think i could have reconciled that i could live without true love if i could have everything that keeping a family entails. Holiday's and birthday's together and most of all not sucking the life out of my children.

I consider divorce one of the most horrific things to do to a family. I consider addiciton to be the worst thing to live with, losing all your wordly possessions, your community and many friends isn't too fun either, all of those things together -- wicked. It took me seven years of pure hell to finally start to see the light.

I may some day tell of some of those hellish times, but for now i'm living my dream.

Today i am spending a few days on a thousand acre ranch with its own little lake, zip line, shooting range, recreational vehicles and outdoor fire pit. It's all surreal because i'm here with my love. It's just the two of us and we love just being together. We both need the time off. Work pretty much consumes both of us 6, sometimes 7 days a week. Kevin and i have learned a cadence to our lives. We are looking forward to semi retiring in less than 2 years.

Kevin and i have spent the better part of the last few months since coronaviruse broke out in the U.S., listening to way to much news and doom and gloom. It's times like these, when i can be quiet and think to myself and be grateful to God that i am exactly where i am in life. There is so much rhetoric, sadness, tribulation and down right evil in this world these days; but i have a choice to live my own life now and choose to be happy and content with what God has blessed me with. He has blessed me abundantly. 

Our own private lake, just for a few days

It's truly the simple things i find joy in now. No pomp and circumstance of trying to impress anybody or live who i am not. I am who i am and i like that. Kevin accepts me for exactly who i am and that feels good. We have a respect and affection for one another that is rare between two people. We have a good life now and look forward to whatever the future brings, because we can do it together.

I've been sober now for nearly 2 years. My family stood by me, even when they did not know what to do. Kevin broke up with me 3 times and i broke up with him 3 times, every time alcohol played a part in our fighting. We fought hard for what we have because of our deep connection from the beginning. Our love is magical.

Life has a way of teaching you the harshest lessons for the best of reasons. I have fought depression my whole life, some chemical and some situational depression, all depression is horrible. The trials have disappeared from my life for now. I don't know exactly what the future brings. I have been gravely concerned for our country as the rioting continues and the polarity between American's is rising almost daily. 

Whatever happens in life i am certainly much more prepared for the trials, experience is the best teacher. Happiness is a state of mind. I choose happiness.

A Rare Woman

My Mom was 14 years old when she married my Dad and had my sister. Can you image? 14! The first time my Dad saw her she was standing on the steps at her elementary school. He thought she was a teacher! My parents stayed married for 37 years (something rather rare these days). My young mom provided a wonderful childhood for me and my sister and brother.

My mom went to work full time when i was 2 years old and she worked for 3 different companies, the last being my business, Phazes Salon & Day Spa. She worked for Phazes for 24 years. Few people have that track record; certainly not in today's world.

There are few women i revere in this world, my Mom is one. She's a principle person, she says what she thinks and she lives as she believes. I find this rather rare, certainly in today's world.

When my Mom was my age she lost the 3 most important men in her life, her husband, son and father. She still got out of bed every day, came to work, served others and mourned privately.  Dignity and privacy in our world today?..i find it rare.

It's her 74th birthday today and I would be hard pressed to give her a tribute that would measure the love, respect and admiration i have for her. In my very darkest of hours in life, it was always her i have turned to.

My wish for others is that they have a good woman in their life like i have...love you Mom!

Yep, my mom-- a rare woman...

Recent fun outing with Grandkids

Great Connections

What a great few days it has been connecting with new friends and old friends. 

 Certain things in life, while they are happening may seem rather insignificant and yet upon examination become poignant, 

surreal 

and come 

full circle. 

I'll be turning 50 shortly and i know that where i am is exactly where i was meant to be. 

I have let go of bad habits, bad people, bad relationships and bad karma. I have wonderful relationships, profound ways of thinking--constructive ways of getting things done...and letting things be--i accept myself, my past and enjoy living each moment. I trust the future to bring whatever is necessary for me to grow, contribute, serve and love unconditionally. I give my love freely and it comes back easily. I love myself enough to say "no" and recognize and follow my instincts.

Many life lessons for me have been harsh and necessary. If you have lived 50ish years you have no doubt experienced the same?! some i brought about. I own that i, in fact, teach others how to treat me. I give away what i cannot control and allow the world around me to be a peaceful place.

I thank You, God, and the Universe for sharing my journey...may this day and every day be one of gratitude.

Extraordinary Life

I own all of my experiences. And i am well.

Those who may read the words i have written in the past, and identified with me through the ups and downs of life, may not understand or agree with me now. The good thing: I don't care. Life is constant evolution, if we but allow it.

My experiences and how i perceive them are mine. I am blessed beyond...my wish for all is to be yourself, and know You are an Extra Ordinary Special Unique Being...just the way you are...

I have learned through many life lessons not to judge, inflict my opinion, or assess another beings experiences, telling them they are wrong. They are not, you are what you believe. I believe we were meant to be happy...and sometimes sad.

In my mind, everything happens for a reason and pieces of the puzzle that make up the stories of our lives unfold as necessary. Some chapters of our stories... delightful, some painful, some insignificant and others extraordinary.

Faith is hopeful belief about the future. See it as you wish and i hope you recognize...

And who is "THEY?" and why do we allow 'them' any power over us??

The Raven Offense

Through the years of raising three boys, three sports crazy boys i have watched or listened as it may have been, many many and then many more games of all kinds. Today is one of those days, football on the flat screen, kids kicked back on the couch, and me equipped with lap top...just in case i get bored?

The 49er's are going to the super bowl; the game now playing, the Ravens and Patriots are playing to see who will be their opponents. The national anthem is sung and Chase begins schooling me 'the mom" about the players, the NFL and Ray Lewis, the driving force behind the Ravens success and pride. Chase's hopes that Baltimore wins the super bowl this year. I do too.

I am touched. I watch this mean S.O.B., Ray Lewis show raw tender emotion as the national anthem finishes. And they say tough men shouldn't cry? Whatev! And ya, i know Lewis plays defense, but what better offense than a tough defense!

As i write this blog i have no idea what the outcome of this game will be, what i appreciate is the sheer enthusiasm and passion of the players and the fans. But one sure thing is one side has to lose. That's how it works in sports.

I appreciate, no not just appreciate i honor those who are dedicated to what they love to the point that they will take a beating, face disappointment, face possible humiliation and be pretty certain they will leave the field hurting if they stay in the game to the finish. Those are the winners, win or lose, they can hold their heads high no matter what! They played their heart out, played fair and gave everything they had for the team and can lay their heads down at night clear of conscience and sleep even though they hurt!

I've played a few games too and i played to the finish line. I'm happy about that and sleeping with ice bags or heating pads help the aches and pains guys...give it a try!

Be Not Afraid

I know a few people, and really it's VERY few, that just don't give a damn what other people think.

They live out loud. I like that.

BE NOT AFRAID

Spirituality Defined

High Winds on the Yellow Brick Road

Last Thursday December 1, 2011 was an unusual day for Utahn's, particularly in Davis County. As I drove to and from the University of Utah I was thinking, "could I be in Kansas or better yet could I wake up in Oz?" But naaaa, no yellow brick roads around here, just another day of dodging shrapnel from the latest wind storm. This one was a bad one.

I-15 littered with semi-trucks on their sides.

Greasy side up!

Wrong place. Wrong time. Definitely.

So do you consider yourself lucky, unlucky, blessed, better, worse, privileged, ahhh, not so much if you were the owner of this car. How about the truck driver's who got the protected spots under the bridges? Lucky? Were they smart or did they get there first, maybe both.

As i tossed about in my low profile car quite confident, although shaky, i still felt safe. Then i thought about the vulnerability of these unsuspecting truck drivers innocently passing through this stretch of highway, only to be tipped completely over or halted for hours. The line of high profile trucks stopped along the side of the freeway was nearly comical. Do they still use CB's these days? "HEY good buddy, you got your ears on? Cuz there's a whole lotta greasy side up..."

As a child one of the scariest movies I watched repeatedly was the Wizard of Oz. I was terrified by the Wicked Witch, even though I knew the outcome, I still had that anxious and scared feeling throughout the movie. It has taken me a life time, as i now close in on 50 to face my fears, step up to all my responsibilities, and weather out the storms that come when least expected. I suppose I have always had this strength, I just now earned enough life lessons to get my red ruby slippers.

These things skip through my mind...are some born wearing red ruby slippers? Does this entitle them to privileges above others? Do some never get any slippers at all, possibly because they never even considered they were good enough to wear slippers, let alone red ruby ones? What entitles or differentiates one soul from another? I may have to travel to Oz to figure that one completely out. 

One thing I do know, Dorothy was lucky to have Toto...

Nature vs. Nurture

The debate of nature vs. nurture is one that never seems to be resolved. This is a forever fascinating subject and one that if given the chance to delve into you learn much about others, family and yourself. I have loved the phrase,

"there are two kinds of people, those who must live life to understand it, and those who must understand it to live it."

Looking back i have had two Phazes (sorry for the shameless plug of my business) and i have gone through both; first the living life trying to understand it, and now the second phase of trying to understand it while i live. For both of these phases i see the effects of my biological genetics taking their place, and my life long environment having its immense influence as to my actions and reactions to life situations and stimulus.

You as readers don't read to know about me, you read to have more insight about yourself, or at least this is my goal. So these are the questions i ask you to ponder for these are my personal observations that have helped me get through the twists and turns, the triumphs and disappointments of life, and helped me to progress and persevere.

1. What is your deep seated motivation to live as you do?
2. What are you most proud of in your life?
3. What makes what you are proud of so special, or different that you have chosen it?
4. What are you ashamed of?
5. Why are you ashamed of this?
6. Would you change it if you could, or has it developed your character?
7. If you were to die tomorrow, are the people you love and want in your life surrounding you now? If not, why not?
8. Are you living authentically?

These are all important questions to examine, ones that may need visiting from time to time. Our genetic makeup influences us to be one way, and our environment molds us into the ways in which we perceive life as we know it. This becomes our truth.

A Fine Balance

Dozer was a fine balance.

Look at this face! Do you see both masculine and feminine qualities? The jaw so set, strong, one tooth jutting forward to warn of determination, perseverance and purpose. Then peer into those brown eyes, they are nearly human, his old soul, full of complete accepting, unconditional and tender love. His concern and how to serve those he loved spoke louder than words. Dozer was a perfect balance of feminine and masculine. That was what was so unique about this special dog, you felt safe and protected while in his presence, and loved no matter what!

As i read, study, and take classes that reflect upon history, gender differences, politics and humanity, finding a balance by allowing it to evolve naturally seems to be such an important necessity in life; yet we are so often polarized between the giving and taking of all things, particularly love.

spoon feeding Zion--she is nearly human

Human behavior is generally quite consistent. Sometimes my boys will shock me, but most often i predict with ease how they react to circumstances or any given situation. The same goes for close family members and friends. One sure thing is Zion's behavior, my faithful Boston terrier. I suppose this is why dog is what has been phrased as, "man's best friend" for their unconditional love is endearing to us as humans.

women soldiers--ask their comrades? Don't judge it unless you've been there

I love being a woman. I also don't mind being a leader when necessary, however being labeled as a "boss," well, not so much. A boss or bossy creates a negative connotation to me. I hope after 20 plus years of being a "boss" i have learned to lead rather than boss people. It certainly has taken some hard lessons down the school of hard knocks (I have many years there, still not graduated). We categorize behaviors by their masculine and feminine nature, hopefully recognizing one not being better than another, just different.
All men and all women resume both masculine and feminine qualities, celebrating and recognizing both in ourselves can bring satisfaction and joy. This is a fine balance, no matter what gender you are.

male nurses? ask their patients--don't judge unless you know

No Bragging Allowed

I have had some incredible experiences with some remarkable people in my life. The list does not include anyone famous, no presidents, no movie stars, just ordinary people doing extraordinary things, quietly with no pomp and 
circumstance.

In fact they hate pomp and circumstance, and when someone makes a fuss they retreat.

What motivates some people to do the things they do???

We all have a need to love and belong to someone, somewhere... 

 

to have purpose and feel needed...

it plays out on that "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs" of which I referred to a blog or two ago. 

Chances are you have people like this in your life also, the unsung hero. They make our world a BEautiful place...

The MoNsTer in Me!

I have a bazillion things to do--clean the house, shop at the store--for you Mormons now, no bursting into song --"so we can be ready for Sunday."

I wish I felt like singing, the dogs miss my singing, I haven't been singing as much lately. I'm not depressed.........I'm situationally challenged.

I should be working at the salon/boutique, working in my office, doing homework, yada yada. What I should do and what I feel like doing are two completely different things...but as it goes I have my trusty little lap top and my faithful little lap dog, and I surf the day away.

I do my best not to guilt myself, Dad always said, "if I miss this meeting, there will be another." And then that sh** eating grin would appear on his face, his head would bob slightly from shoulder to shoulder in mischievous disdain and you could hear a slight chuckle. Wow do I love reality.  There is always plenty of meetings, housework, homework and shopping, even for a Saint...and excuse me, but I'm not a Saint, I'm a farmers daughter, occasionally I have the mouth to prove it, (sh, I mean oops)!

I have learned that the list of stuff isn't going away, and I'm pretty sure this icky feeling in my chest will. I could do ALL that stuff (or get started,) and ignore this icky feeling, but "feeling" it is part of "healing."

I am reading, or rather re-reading, a book I read years ago. I have referred to many chapters on several occasions over the past 5 years. I love books where at the beginning of chapters are thoughts or poems that pertain to the book that make you think or give some type of insight. Here is the thought at the beginning of Chapter 9 from "Enchanted Love" by Marianne Williamson, entitled "Removing the Ghosts"

"There are monsters in my past, my darling.

So what? I have a few in mine. But I am not the monster.

I am not the monster, and the monster is not me."

When I was a little girl I was terrified of monsters! So much so that my dad had to carry me in his arms and show me every closet and look under every bed. Together we would walk through our basement, opening the "darkroom" door was the scariest! This was surely the place the "monsters" would be waiting. But my dad was bigger and stronger than any of them! I could have never trusted, I could have never slept had we not done this ritual every night. I cannot remember what frightened me so much, nor how long it continued, but eventually I did learn to trust.

I look back and see that, yes, the monster was in me...the monster is always in us. Can we accept that, can we actually see that...and move past it? Face my fears? I can now. Sometimes I just need a day (or two,) on, off, in or out of "reality."  Doesn't really matter to me which preposition you use. I suppose it's all about how You look at it.

You. Matter.

As I slumbered my husband rolled over and saw that my hands were raised above me, one hand holding up the other. He sweetly said to me, “you can put your hands down now” as he gently pushed my hands down toward the bed. I giggled, turned over, giggled again at myself and returned to my peaceful state…

I’m not exactly sure what I was thinking or dreaming about. I do raise my hand when I am in class for I enjoy being in on the discussions. I want my voice to be heard.

Each of us has a Voice. Each of us Matter. Sometimes, and maybe even oftentimes we feel unheard. After awhile of feeling we do not matter many emotions may set in…anger, resentment, indifference. If you have fallen victim to any of these emotions, the first step to recovery is to recognize this feeling. Own it; validate where it comes from and then move past it. Sometimes we become indifferent or even silenced because someone or something has squelched our voice that has beaten our spirit.



Life is about choice. We make good ones, we make bad ones, but we live Now. The choices we have made are in the past. How we react to them is in the Now. We can become victims to Life… or we can raise our hands, stand up for ourselves and Matter. You. Matter.

White Lines of L.A.

I am riding in my car watching the white lines zip by anxious to be home, maybe 10 hours from now. I also am thinking about the last two weeks of being on the road...

L.A. has a personality of its own. There is not the electric feel in downtown L.A. like Manhattan where we were in January earlier this year.

We have been carefully assessing and reviewing many lines of handbags, belts, jewelry, clothing etc., for our new Internet business. But the lines on the freeways or what fashion lines to carry are not what is foremost on my mind.

My sister has had the opportunity to travel and meet a wide variety of people. She is always gracious and poised in all situations. I have traveled very little and kept to a close knit circle of friends. We are both naturally outgoing and try to be loving and accepting of everyone.

With that being said I find myself at this time in my life having to make the lines very clear as to what I will and will not do. As for me, I am a people pleaser and if I haven't drawn the line clearly beforehand, it can be erased rather quickly. That has proved to be a detriment.

I find I am an adapter. I am also a grey person and it is time for me to draw the white lines.

A Different Sort of Black Dog--A Happy One

Today is Sunday and I have spent the day rejuvenating in my hotel in L.A. while my sister spent some time with friends. I was cleaning up one of my email accounts from my laptop and came across a note I had sent to myself a while ago. When I read it to Sherry (my sis) she encouraged me to post it. I shall.

How many Judges do you REALLY have Lori? One--yourself and you are hard and difficult. Why? Now that you know, get rid of that judge and replace it with a protector.

The whole world can love me, but what really makes me happy is when I share the love inside of me and share it with the world.

I am only responsible for my half of any relationship. I cannot and do not try to change people, to try to is futile and disrespectful. If my relationships are not working I explore other possibilities within the relationship based on respect and love.

Open and honest communication is key, based on respect and love for myself and the other person. Without it the relationship will falter, especially for me. I need depth and closeness in my relationships.

I will recognize the difference between FEAR and conditions, and expectations, and the ease of LOVE and no drama.

There is an interconnectedness in all things. As life unfolds we see one event leads to another, one feeling leads to another. We realize or at least we hope we come to accept that things are as they should be. Have we kicked against it and let ourselves be miserable martyrs, have we done the right things, have we followed our hearts?

Has and is my suffering necessary?

Yes, until I get my ego in check I will always suffer. Humility calls come frequent, I learn something (insight). But there always seems to be more...

If I could be as care-free, fun-loving, non-assuming, non-judgmental, easy going as my dogs...I would be as care-free, fun-loving, non-assuming, non-judgmental, easy going and happily uncomplicated as they are too!

Blazing Star

The Blazing Star is a purple wildflower. I like purple, it is a flashy color. My dad is a flashy guy. He is 70 years old today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! He has been a hard worker all his life. He started out a dairy farmer, sold the cows a few years ago, subdivided some of the property and turned what was left into Allen Horseplay Stables and Arena. I like my dad, doesn't everyone like their dad? Well, maybe not.

Here are some of the reasons my dad is awesome... He is strong. We as a family look to him as a pillar of strength. He stands 6'3" and when he shakes your hand or you wrap your arms around him, or better yet you get to sit in his lap (I still do that sometimes) you feel safe.

He is fun. We laugh and we laugh a lot. He giggles at the stupid things we do. He accepts all of his family for who they are. Sometimes that hasn't always seemed the case, but as I have gotten closer to him I have realized how true that is.

He is gregarious. Moving into a close knit farm community back in the 40's was not easy, you were the outsider. Dad persevered, as a teenager he would take care of the farm and still find time for socializing too, even if sleep had to suffer. He is still a socializer, even if he is on the road he is known to pick up a hitch hiker just so he can have a nice chat with someone.

He is a great example. Dad has great parents as examples as well. My grandparents are still alive Glenna Allen, 91 and LeRoy Allen, 93 are the epitome of what great people are.

He is stalwart. If Dad makes up his mind there is NO stopping him. He decides to change a dairy farm into a horse stable and arena with his own bare hands, he does it. Enough said.

He is lovable. To know him is to love him.

My dad and the Blazing Star wildflower have many things in common. They are both tall and showy. They always return after each hard season expanding bigger and broader, and more of their seeds begin to spread and grow. Neither species is endangered nor edible.

As I look back on my life I have had one constant Blazing Star, my DAD.