Only If the Lights Are On

In my July 2 blog post, “A Talk With My Brother,” I asked him—my brother—to be my Guardian Angel. I believe in angels. And I truly believe that when I asked for his help to lift the darkness I’d been carrying, he answered. Not only did he help… he guided me to the very source of this darkness.

Now, for the first time, I’m beginning to process memories I’ve spent a lifetime trying to reach—but never could. I had read about repressed memory here and there, but I never thought it applied to me. When I tried to look back on my childhood, all I ever found was black. Very few images or emotions—just a lot of black walls behind my eyelids.

When I sat quietly with myself, I’d sense something. A cobweb in my brain. An ache in my heart but I couldn’t explain it. Here is my feeble attempt to try to explain...

Did you know that when you look at white—like the background of this screen—you’re seeing all the colors at once? White is what happens when every color shows up to the party. Black, on the other hand, is the absence of color. A complete void.

Lately, it feels like light has finally begun shining into the darker corners of my past. And suddenly—click—so many things about who I am, and why, are starting to make sense.

Here’s the thing: our experiences shape us. They don’t have to define us, but they do sculpt us. Thankfully, we’re wonderfully moldable—at any age.

Take Grandma Moses. She didn’t start painting until her 70s, and by her 80s and 90s, she was a world-renowned folk artist.

She once said, “Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.”

That quote speaks to me now more than ever. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is step outside ourselves and see our lives from another angle—not from inside our heads or our pain, but through the eyes of others around us. What might they see? How might they be affected? That kind of perspective shifts everything.

As Wayne Dyer said,

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

Now that I’ve looked back—really looked—I no longer have to carry it all with me. I can lay it down at the cross. The weight has lifted. The light has entered. And I’m beginning to live with a little more understanding, a little more compassion… especially for myself. The light is on now. And I’m no longer afraid of the dark from the past.

I’m sure there are still some cobwebs in there that i will have to deal with, but if the lights on, I’m not afraid.

Remember...

 

The light will come...

Home and my Heart

Home. What defines home to you? And why is it so important? Is it the actual place? The memories, the people, the smells, the food, the history? It's all of those things and more...and it can change...and it can be in the past. It is in the past in a matter of minutes, whether we can allow it to be or not is our choice.

I try not to live in the past. It's a discipline. I try also not to live in the future. It's a discipline. Life changes and we make home where our heart is...where love is. Love, true authentic love that is easily exchanged. No conditions. No expectations, it's a journey getting there. Life is a journey and i have learned many many lessons on the way...and i am still learning them.

i posted this blog Long Way Home four months ago. Since that time i have moved to another home and i love it... Moving? Hate it. Enough said.

 This is the home where i grew up:

Not much has changed in the front yard, other than the trees have gotten bigger.

A lot has changed in the back yard. The dairy farm is gone. Allen Horseplay stables now are home for 40-50 horses. 

This is the home where all 3 of my boys grew into beautiful men:

Many girls came knocking at that front door for my 3 beautiful kind-hearted boys.

Soccer, volleyball, football, snowmen, and lots of dog chasing went on in this backyard.

T.J. my brave-loving-"make it happen" protector of the brood.





















                                                                 
Chase, my affectionate-loyal-loving-passionate mediator.








And Tandin, my calm-tender-hearted, stubborn intellectual. 

i love these boys with every fiber of my being. i would take a bullet for them without a seconds thought. They now establish their own homes and i follow them. It is as it should be. The proximity of my home does not matter, relatively speaking i have not moved much in my life, however it seems i have always taken the long road home. It is as it should be.

Thoughts...in a BOX

One year for Christmas I gave my beautiful mother a decorative “Christmas” box with a copy of the book, “The Christmas Box” and a letter I had written to her. My intentions were to write her a letter each year so she could keep it in her pretty box. As good intentions go, no other Christmas letters have been written but my sweet mom has started a tradition of her own.

When we were little Mom made each of us our own Christmas stocking. Each of us was very proud of our stocking because she spent several hours on each one. Christmas day is now rather quiet for our family and after all the hustle of the season we welcome the peace. I asked my mom what she was doing for Christmas this year and she said, “I’m staying home alone and writing my letters to each of you kids. I like to be alone on Christmas.”

I found out several years ago that Mom started writing letters to Sherry, Richard and Amanda, (Dave’s children) and me.  Honestly I do not know what kind of a “stocking” my mom is putting these letters in, and I don’t care about the stockings, but I am touched by her love and expression of making it a tradition to write a letter to each of us. Sometimes the spoken word is difficult for us. What a treasure we will have for years to come when our loved ones depart and we have their feelings and words to reflect upon.

Sometimes we don’t capture the “moments.” Such as when our children say the cutest and funniest things! If you are a parent, I know you can relate. We think we will remember…well, we don’t! I did write down some of those things…I just can’t remember where I filed that paper…I know it’s here in the house…SOMEWHERE! 

So my advice, get a beautiful box, chest or trunk, and some pretty paper and every time your kids do something cute or funny jot it down and put it in your BOX. And don’t forget… sometimes we have an ephiphany or two of our own… write those down too, and then some time, grab a quiet night and open your box or boxes…and enjoy those quite times alone. You can reminisce, cry, laugh, and enjoy right where you are. Oh, and I suggest you indulge in your favorite drink and treat, a coke zero and a cookie would accompany me, along with a pack of dogs.

Roxee, Dozer, Zion...Lucy had not joined us when this was taken... and they are not as obedient since she has! We are working on things. Puppies. :)

My 2008 Year End Picks...

As the year comes to a close I have picked a color, a wildflower and a weed to represent my summation of 2008...I also decided to add the Pink Panther Theme since Pink was my color of choice. I liked Pink Panther while I was growing up, but my brother Dave LOVED him. He watched cartoons (all of them) up until his tragic accident 14 years ago at the tender age of 34. When I hear this song I smile. It brings back many good memories for me as a teenager.

My Color Pick: PINK: Pink encourages friendliness while discouraging aggression and ill-will. That says a lot for me right there. Enough said.

My Wildflower Pick: The BUTTERFLY WEED: Yes it says weed, but it is a beautiful bright orange flower! I picked it because a butterfly does come from an ugly caterpillar. 2008 had many ugly times but I have experienced enough in my life to know that these ugly times do turn into butterflies of some sort. This flower is somewhat slow from the seed, but once it is established in loose soil, it is a very permanent fixture in meadows.

My Weed Pick: ASPARAGUS: Actually asparagus IS classified as a weed, but is a member of the lily family? This all seems a little mixed up, which seems to fit my year as well. I picked asparagus for a couple of reasons: One, because I have fond memories of going along the ditch bank and picking it with my brother when we were little. My mom would then cook it for dinner. It is one of my favorite vegetables. Two,it is a nutrient rich food full of potassium, fiber, and vitamins. Which is such an important message for me to remember...even something as terrible as a weed can be good for you! We often times judge quickly and harshly. I have found that the times I am most judgmental and harsh is when I am that way with myself.

There has been an immense amount of change in my life in 2008. I have a better awareness of who I am than ever before in my life. Some things I love, some things I like and there are many many things I am still working on. So bring on 2009! I believe I am ready and it is my hope that you are too...or shall I say whatever your journey is I hope it brings you joy and happiness.

In the End my Picks for my life will be my own and this IS GOOD...not all people in this world can and those who CAN sometimes choose not to.

A Grey Kind of Week

good times I remember photo album

I needed to remember some good times with my family...it has been a grey kind of week. I miss my boys terribly. The house has been quiet. I have already drug Christmas out! It may seem early, however the older you get time goes by that much faster and when December gets here, I don't want to miss one thing with my family or friends!

I love the holidays. I love playing the same Christmas songs every year. I love the Yankee Balsam Fir Candle. I love dressing up the dogs in Christmas sweaters. I love my mom's fruit cake. I love to play games with my family and I love to hear the famous family Christmas story written by my sister and her son, Ryan. The most wicked, sarcastic roast taken from the outline of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. Everyone basically takes it in the shorts and there is really nothing off limits. They usually call me to see if I think it is "ok", which most everything gets the thumbs up from me.

Summer is my favorite time of the year, but I love the holidays because of the good memories and the closeness I feel with those I love.

We need those around us that we love to help us when we are weak. I am weak right now and can't quite shake all the grey out of me.