2009 Finale-Part II

Flower & a Movie. Oh I know it's supposed to be dinner and a movie but I'm not picking food to finalize my year!

The movie: Dr. Zhivago.
Every year during the holidays I watch this classic. I love the history, the scenery, and the message of the most awful gut wrenching acceptance of the dreadful things that life and war deals to people. War not only effects people during the present but goes on for generations.

There are so many different types of wars we battle.

I noticed that Lara's character always had flowers wherever she was. First in the battle zone where they treated hundreds that were wounded, then in her very modest apartment.

Which brings me to--


The Flower: A Sunflower.

My final pick for this year is the Sunflower, for its message of Hope and Sunshine as a New Year begins.



Here's to 2010...may the Wildflowers grow all around you, and in your heart.

With love, L~

2009 Finale-Part I

Last year to culminate the year I picked a color, a wildflower and a weed in honor or my blog title, Shades of Grey or a Kaleidoscope, wherein I always had a color, wildflower or weed in the title.

This year I simplified.

I do have some fav's to complete this year...they have special meaning and story lines to conclude 2009.

The book: Radical Acceptance. This is not a novel. This is a book to read sections of, ponder, and let it be. You have to be at a certain place in your life for this book; you must be ready for this one. I purchased it long ago, picked it up, started to read it and thought, "what a stupid book". Just a couple of months ago I picked it up, started reading it and well, it "spoke to me". Enough said.

The song: The STORY So Far by Flogging Molly

You always had what you wanted
So leave it behind
And if the glass isn't broken
Then the futures not blind
All that you know means nothing to you
But its the loss of control shatters the truth

That's the story so far
It's already here
We've made it this far
Sure we battled the spears
But life cuts to pieces
To the wounds from the secrets
Makes it all who you are

Love craves self destruction
It's a blizzard in hand
Lay your cards on the table
But you're not in command
So burn with the fire
You so eagerly lit
Watch the flames flicker higher
Said I don't care about me

Here's the story so far
It's already here
We've made it this far
Sure we battled the spears
But life cuts to pieces
To the wounds from the secrets
Makes it all who you are

Oh it's bitter the pill
That you swallow to feel
I don't care what I lost
I just thank god I'm alive

Makes it all who you are

That's the story so far

to be continued...

My story Vs. Your story

So we all have a story to tell.


What if we were both at the same event, but when asked about the event, you saw things very differently than I saw things. That does not make either of us right or wrong, bad or good. People just interpret, or receive things differently. I suppose this is why we need a court of law and several witnesses to get to "the truth."

Relationships can be similar in a way. We have our story in our minds as to how the relationship “is” or “should be." Whether it is a friendship, love relationship, parent-child, work associate, we have created this image, but it is OUR image, not theirs.

Interesting concept isn't it!?

I was asked the I-beam question 26 years ago while in college...I've never forgotten it.

"If you had to risk your life to cross an I-beam 1,000 feet in the air, what would be worth crossing for?"

It certainly was not worth the risk for money or things, but for people I loved that were in trouble there wasn't a second thought.

So relationships are worth risking for...but how often do we get the other persons side? How often do we even know if they are in trouble?

If we want to have better relationships maybe we need to know both sides of the story....

Or maybe we put all the stories aside and listen to our hearts and get to know theirs.




THIS HERE --------------->
Looks like a hack job to me.

HIS Parables

Few argue of His ability to teach. But He did not spell things out. He taught in Parables. He made you think and ponder, something that seems to be more difficult to do these days.

Why is that?

We occupy our minds with so many things...we put our value on things we own or do. We like to think it is always the other guy who does this?

Why is that?...We are imperfect, and working on it...

We celebrate His birthday today. I am grateful.

A Sneaker Allegory

My son is a "Sneaker Head". We are celebrating 22 years today with this "Sneaker Head", miracle son of ours. I say miracle because at 8 months old I left him in the bathtub, with the water running. I took a business phone call and 12-15 minutes later I frantically hung up and ran to the bathtub where I discovered him unconscious floating face down in the tub. I revived him by giving him CPR with help from a 911 dispatcher and today he walks perfectly and happily so long as he has a pair of authentic Jordan collector sneakers on his feet. His mind works perfectly as well, he can talk brilliantly about any subject that interests him...particularly sneakers.

Chase is the type of person that likes what he likes. That seems like a 'cliche', that everyone is like that. I beg to differ. I'm not so sure. This is NOT to say that Chase is black and white or judgmental in any way. On the contrary. He is one of the most loving, tender-hearted people I know. But his feet are firmly planted on certain things that are favorites of his.

I like where Chase is headed in life. He has learned from some very difficult roads.

We ALL make choices for good and ill. I believe that we can learn from everything that we go through if we look for the 'life lessons'. Chase has shown that in his young life he has an awareness far beyond his years.

Choice is a divine teacher, for when we choose we learn that nothing is ever put in our path without a reason. Iylana Vanzant

Sometimes we have to get up and go...and other times we don't. Sometimes we stay down awhile and figure out what there is to learn while we are on the pavement, the stony path, amongst the thorns and thistles. There is usually more to learn while we're down--than there is while we are skipping merrily along our way. But, eventually we all MUST get up again, and put one foot in front of the other.

A knowledge of the path cannot be substituted for putting one foot in front of the other. M. C. Richards

I'm sure Chase has had times where he felt alone in his "wilderness". Most of us have walked through some pretty dark and ugly wilderness and we all felt very alone. I believe Chase knows that I was always very close, even though maybe he could not see me. The truth is we are never really alone. When we go through our own dark wilderness there is sure to be a promised land on the other side.

The Promised Land always lies on the other side of the wilderness.
Havelock Ellis

I love this child just like I love all my children. We ALL learn through our bumps...and we are always the better for it. Some people choose to pretend they never have any bumps in life (ego maniacs), some don't for a time (luck eventually always runs out). Some people choose to deny they ever have any bumps on their road (the head in the sander's). Some may think they can go around their bumps (the avoider's). I don't recommend any of these. I've been and done them all. They're painful. There is one REAL road on this journey called life, THROUGH IT. You are the better for it when you just GRIN and LEARN, and CRY a little along the way. It's the higher ground.

Bless not only the road but the bumps on the road. They are all part of the higher journey. Julia Cameron

Happy birthday my son and I am looking forward to our new journey together at the "U".

I was wondering...could you buy ME a new pair of really cool sneakers for your birthday so you'll be proud to be seen with me? Just wondering?

tHe dYsFunCtioNaL FaMilY CHriStMaS stOrY

Last night we had our annual Christmas party at my mom's house. My mom's adorable small little house is always decked out as only she can do with her festive decorations. We grownups anticipate her cooking like the little kids anticipate Santa.

Growing up, Christmas was a big thing. Tons of presents under the tree and we would get up during the night to open them because dad would often have to milk the cows at 5:00 a.m. and we did not want to wait until he got finished. When my kids were little it was a bit more reasonable, the hour landed between 6:00-8:00 a.m.. It would have been later, but I couldn't stand it any longer! I always had to get the kids up! Unbelievable how these 3 little boys could sleep when they knew Santa had come!!

Christmas changes when the kids have all grown, and there are no grandchildren. Yes, I have the dogs, but somehow they just haven't gotten the whole idea quite yet, other than Dozer stealing one particular stuffed animal reindeer off of the tree that he insists is his!










So to prove craziness runs in my family here is one of the highlights of Christmas for our dYsFunCtioNal FaMilY. The Christmas Story, knocked off from "Twas the Night Before Christmas" and it is authored by my sister, Sherry and her satirical son Ryan. Believe me Ryan has no mercy and holds no bounds! Sherry keeps the reigns on him...and they fight a bit, and we laugh, laugh A LOT, while the writing is going on!!



The story this year was six pages. There is a lot of roasting in the family to dish out, it is all in fun. Sherry and Ryan spend HOURS, and this is their gift to the family. Wow, HOURS of love and laughter about our families silly quirks. If you didn't love someone, you wouldn't spend time caring what they did!

Sometimes it may seem judgmental, believe me, if there is any judgment it is out of complete love. We know things about each other, sometimes more than other families, maybe that's good, maybe that's bad, whatever it is, it just is. Every family has certain dynamics. I love each and every person in my family for who they are, their strengths and weakness. My idiosyncrasies get aired plenty and I know everyone loves me through all of them. Have they judged me? Sure. But in the end, they love me in spite of me. If they don't I have realized that's on them not me.

We have learned to laugh at ourselves through all our foibles, mistakes, illnesses, and tragedies. There are some sacred cows and we try to be sensitive to those. Yes we have hit some sensitive nerves before. I say "we" and I have not ever written anything, however I had been consulted on some things to say yay or nay to whether they go in or out. I'm usually pretty liberal because, believe me I've taken it in the shorts, between the eyes and everywhere else too!

In the end the story goes that we love and we love hard. Yes we ARE the definition of a dYsFunCtioNal FaMilY, but tell me who is NOt? I find that those who are most judgmental towards others are towards themselves as well. This takes acute awareness, a GOOD STRONG LOOK IN THE MIRROR, for all we can ever change is ourselves.

I say look at yourself first and always, not other families and not people in your own family! What do you own? How do you function in your family? Do you contribute? How do you contribute? Are you a peacemaker? Do you take time, spend time? Do you love unconditionally? Are you fault finding? What can you do better towards your family? Because in THE END all there really is, is FAMILY...to be continued...

It's a Brain Theme

Something happened to me the other day that well, frankly sent me into a bit of a meltdown. My dad said this sort of thing happened to him and he does not have any type of mental illness. What he has had is a lifetime of stress, financial pressure and responsibility for many people. I have felt his pain. I laugh at him because he can roll around numbers and interest in his head easier than putting those electric suction things on the cow’s teats (my dad was a dairy farmer).

So here is what happened...my brain, it feels like it short circuited. It just goes kaput, into the fog, on overload. I value my intelligence. I like to think. And actually I think too much. This may be why it does this, this short circuit business.

It happens when I am doing numbers. Spread sheets to be exact. I am NOT a numbers person; math and I don't get along. I get business accounting sheerly on account of I HAD to! And when you see red you work hard. I am a hard worker.

So apparently doctors can be wrong. A few years ago I was told that with each manic episode I had I would lose brain cells, and that this disease may induce early Alzheimer’s. Therefore strict adherence to my med's, as well as self management was imperative. It really scared me…Then I just got used to the idea if I totally lost my mind, well, I guess I wouldn't really know! ;)

Anyway back to the point, thank goodness for continuing research! They have found that anti-depressants rebuild brain cells. Go figure!? Yep, anti-depressants cause brain cells to grow in the hippocampus. So what’s the hippocampus? It’s where learning and memory take place in the brain. The scientific name for cell regrowth is called "neurogenesis."

Don't get me wrong, the crowd I belong to are no dummies:



Which is an entirely different subject, but all the same this blog (inclusive of a comment by yours truly) IS very cool...Is Bipolar Cool?

And don’t take my word for it! What do I know! It’s Drs. Manji and Duman's research. It is fascinating and great news.

Our brains…a wonderful theme, I mean thing!

The Soundtrack

Oh,one more thing, and then I will shut up about Grey's Anatomy. The Soundtrack. Every good story, movie, maybe even in life we need a Soundtrack. Do you have one? I don't. But maybe someday I will. I think it sounds like a great idea!


I'm not really sure about this but I believe this is the theme song, if not, it sure goes well with my theme this month! Check it out--The Story by Brandi Carlile...


Exquisite.

A Grey Tale

My son once said, "The DVR is the greatest invention of the 21st century." I am beginning to agree! ;)

For sheer enjoyment I record 3 hours of Grey's Anatomy every weekday and then watch it when I can. For several years (when Grey's was in the height of its glory) I did not watch TV at all. For now, aside from anything with the last name "ball" or anything having to do with "man stuff", Grey's is pretty much the only--girl drAaaama on our boob tube. I’m out numbered 4-1 by men.

My husband joins me quite often to watch an episode or two of Grey's Anatomy. His niece works in a hospital and he asked her the other day how close “Grey's” is to the real thing? She actually said, “real close”! I know this girl and she is NOT a drama queen. Huh? Which part is close? The emergencies, the heroic saving measures, the death, the sex, the inter-personal relationships?...It leads one to wonder?

Ok, so here is what I really like about the show...the beginning and most of all the ending NARRATION that promotes an overall message for you to think about. If you're a Grey's watcher and you miss it, you are missing out on a lot!

Example: Meredith Grey speaking,--from the episode, Scars and Souvenirs 2007.

"What's worse? a new wound which is so horribly painful or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did? Maybe all wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we'd like to think. But that’s not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over, again.”

Profound, I’d say.


I love novels that have quotes or passages or diary inserts at the beginning or ending of chapters. I love those little quips that have a deeper meaning or a personal expression in them that make you think… just a little bit, ooorrrr maybe a lot.


In my world everything is not so black and white, there is a lot of grey matter; at least according to the tales I've seen, and heard.

A Chapter in a Story

Stories, I live stories. A biography or auto biography... Love 'em!

And how about the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves? We act out our stories all the time, and don't even know it. This is wherein lies the problem, or so those who are working towards "awareness" or "enlightenment" would say. I would have to concur.

I have stories. I have stories about many things. These stories justify me, explain me, excite me, sadden me, but are they me? I ask myself?

Carl Jung said, "He who looks outside dreams, he who looks inside awakens."

My stories are my own, and I have a few. Some of them have been real self destructive dramas. Some I've told to myself too many times and I almost believed them, and they just weren't true, oh yes, it's easy to lie to yourself.

I've had fairy tales, and comedies, and a few horror stories played back and forth, but are they real?

Yes and no. Our thoughts are us. But only so much as we allow them to be. And only so much as we are aware of them. Being present in this moment as to who we are is a challenge for most of us every single day.

I am trying to figure out what chapter of my story I am living in and whose lives I am affecting for the good! I believe I am just beginning or awakening in Chapter 4 of my story? I expect it to be good.