Treatment and Hope for Depression

 The results are in!..or at least i hope they are.

Two months ago i began an all out effort to treat my dark depressive episodes. I had begun TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) and an 8 week meditation course.

Shortly after i started this i really started feeling better. Call it placebo, or whatever, but the fact is i did feel and believe good things were to come of my efforts.

I finished TMS this week after having 34 treatments. I did get used to the procedure and was able to finish with the goal of 72 as the most effective measurement. I started at 51. I used music to distract me from the discomfort of the treatment, and 3 minutes would go by rather fast.

I was given a survey on a regular basis to monitor and measurme my mood, my sleeping and my eating habits. I started out pretty low and finished with stellar results. I do feel different, i just do not know how to explain it.

There is a differnce between chemical and situational depression. Situational depression will improve as circumstances in life improve. Chemical depression comes on, triggered by what?..sometimes nothing. I could feel the difference. Chemical depression shattered all hope and enjoyment out of life for no particular reason.

I'm not sure what the future brings but i am now hopeful that the crushing depressive episodes from my past are gone. Time will tell.

EMDR has been (still having sessions), interesting. My first session was emotionally draining. Subsequent sessions have been ok. The goal is to reprocess traumatic events from the past and let them go. I can honestly say that i do not live in the past any longer. When i think of my past i have good and bad memories. I'm sure everyone is that way. The painful things in my past are just part of my story and i can let it be in the past. For the most part i do not harbor bad feelings towards many...there are still a couple. I am working on that.

Meditation is absolutely AWESOME! I look forward to getting in bed every night and just, well just having a present awareness of my body, my breathing and my thoughts. Meditation is not about not thinking because thoughts just naturally come and go, but it's different when you are in a meditative state. You let the thought go and then revert your thought back to a present awareness of your body. I do a 33 minute body scan. Sometimes i fall asleep. My goal each night is to relax and be in a grateful state of mind for my life.

The final thing that i have added to my life is nightly devotionals with my love, Kevin. We read from 4 books each night. Jesus Calling, Jesus Listens, Stillness Speaks and the Bible. This gives us time to connect with each other and connect with our Higher Power, God.

I'm happy. I'm hopeful and in the best place i have ever been with my business and with my relationships with my loved ones and with myself.

Let Go and Believe

Life can be so colorful.

You Live, you Learn, you Let go, and you become Stronger...

... and if You CHOOSE to believe that life is beautiful..

Then it is.

or it will be,

 just keep believing...

Your Own Reality

I have been wondering...actually experiencing from a peculiar standpoint a rather strange shift, actually seeing some monumental ways in which people and our world are changing. Have you felt it too?..or is it just me living in my own little bubble, perceiving things differently because I am different. The personal experiences and transformation I have lived over the past few years has given me cause to reflect and a desire to share.

I will be the first to admit I have cycled through fear and trust so many times that my entire existence felt like it was on a repeated wash, rinse and dry cycle! And I do feel cleaner for the wear! I also feel less heavy because of the succession of purging old habits and thought patterns. Undoubtedly, I often visit in the recesses of my brain, old notions of right and wrong, good and bad, and my assessment of what constitutes happiness and sadness.

Consider where your mind feels the most peaceful between premodern, modern and postmodern views. Inspect for a moment where your strongest (and possibly only) perspective lies. Is it premodern, where your view of reality is guided mostly from human history; and that what you see and are told is and must be as they really are, seeing all things that are in your mind as FACT? For those who live this way your assumptions are so fundamental to your thinking you could not even fathom that they are assumptions. Do you align more with a modern view where diversity is legitimate and no one is necessarily right or wrong, but there are "different strokes for different folks."

Is a Dandelion a weed or a flower?

When I was a little girl i loved the beautiful yellow flowers in my grandma's yard. I would play joyfully on the grass while these yellow beauties made me happy. I was intensely disappointed when i found out that they were a, so called nuisance, and someone would be spraying them to kill them off! Which brings me to the postmodern view, which is a tough one to wrap our mortal minds around...all that is "real" are the images and thoughts we get through our own points of view.

May i offer a thought for you to consider that may enlighten your perspective of how you exist in the scheme of the whole? I have a heart, lungs, liver, kidneys and eyes. Each of these components of my body have a particular job to do and none of these parts can survive or have any use unless they are used as parts of my whole body. If I'm not mistaken you are no different. And yet these parts of mine/yours could be used/transplanted to another person's body to help them sustain their lives, nevertheless the organs in and of themselves without a body have no purpose. We may believe that if our heart is bad we will assuredly die (which we all do), but had no one ever consider the possibility that we could live with another persons heart many would have died earlier. Just think of the possibilities that have occurred because we transformed a pre modern view to modern and post modern.

I invite you to watch this short video clip and entertain the possibility that the present is a "map in which all the ways the present can reinvent itself (Silva)." I have at times experienced this "flow state" where existing in the "zone" was a connection to something or someone bigger than myself. As for me I call it inspiration from God and tapping into our own magnificence through His awesomeness. What ever you call it, or whether you believe it or not...well, is your own reality.

All That LIfe is Made of

26 years ago I gave birth to a most exquisite boy. I bonded with him immediately and have enjoyed a closeness to him that has brought me a happiness all my life. I call him my beautiful "Chaser" and he most certainly has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. I am a fortunate woman to have the relationships I do with my 3 sons that have always treated me with love, respect and compassion.

Like all families we have been challenged, to the very core, with life's lessons. I must admit that there were times of feeling victimized...and there were times of nearly falling to complete despair. During those dark hours, it was my 3 boys that kept me hanging on, for giving up was just NEVER an option.

It has been said that it is darkest before the dawn. And because of this darkness, when the dawn comes, the light is more beautiful, bright, and can warm the soul for eternity.

We all have poignant events that happen in our lives; my dad getting cancer 4 years ago was a huge turning point for me as well as our family. It seemed to put in motion a compelling quest for me to become a completely authentic woman in all I stood for. This quantum leap for me was something of a necessity to sort out many years of inner darkness. I had desired to overcome and understand these black days off and on my whole life; and due to many miracles involving opportunities and people coming into my life I have come to know a deep peace. I suppose the peace I feel now was something that I always felt had alluded me, but perseverance has been afforded me by my great posterity of strength and character.



Our thoughts do make up our lives. And whether you view the universe as hostile or friendly you are right! The sadness and atrocities of this world will continue for there are lessons to be learned in every hardship and challenge. And when we come to embrace and accept life just exactly as it is, resisting no more, life will be joyful!







For those who have followed my blog for the last 5 years and related with my journey, I do hope that you have gained a certain amount of understanding, as well as a greatest amount of compassion for your friends, family and lovers. These things are tender and are all the things that life is made of...

What's hiding be Hind the Expert?

  It is a Sunday afternoon; I sit peacefully in my living room with Zion faithfully at my feet.

 

Crazy times with fam at 4th of July parade

It has been a week full of fun, laughing, visiting family, talks with my boys, long hours working, disappointment and hope.

I have attended parades, parties,
been in a court room, conducted meetings, reconciled bank accounts, posted payroll and played affectionately with the Grandogs.

I have wondered...the Ups and down(er)s of life, "are we pro-active or re-active to them?" I ask myself this question and i ask it of those i choose to be involved with. You may do the same?

I live deeply and passionately, no matter the direction life is taking. I love life. I am blessed with spirit and challenges that exercise my strengths. I ask myself, "what and whom am i responsible to? How can i improve my life and positively effect and influence those around me?" Being pro-active in the affirmative to answering these questions make me happy, even if circumstances and situations are not perfect.

You JUST MAY not know EVERYTHING

I don't live in a perfect world. If you do, could you invite me in to visit for but a moment? Interesting question because everyone has their own definition of "perfect" and possibly, just possibly... everyone views it differently?! What i find interesting and quite comical in a room full of 'EXPERTS' on any given subject is, how arrogant and opinionated they may become!

To put oneself in another persons shoes is compassion. To evaluate or judge without experience is egotism.

As for me, I am approaching my 49th birthday with great zeal, knowing that the more i learn the less i know; the more life i face willingly the more authentic i become.





I wish you enough challenges to make you strong;

enough humble pie to teach you to cry,

enough sun and children in your life to make you smile...











and of course...a dog that pierces your heart so even when you're grumpy, you feel love. All ways.

















Lori~

It Is Time

...to let go...

Cancer, SDB's and HELL Part II

SDB's...or Self Destructive Behavior! We all do it, but to what degree? And do we recognize and own it? And is it life threatening? Drunk driving, drugs, over-eating, under-eating, over-working, over-playing, self-absorption, self-deprecating, or even giving up when cancer is the diagnosis? These are quite introspective questions.

As I had the pleasure of reading more posts from the Mesothelioma Cancer Blog I was inspired by the story of Heather Von St. James who had her lung removed, the lining around her lung, her 6th rib, and the left half of her diaphragm. The lining of her heart was replaced with surgical gortex. A heated chemotherapy treatment called "shake and bake" which heats a drug and was pumped through her chest cavity swirled around for an hour and pumped back out is partially credited for saving her life. What seems completely obvious to me was her will to live, her optimism took over and the mantra, "Dying was not an option." Powerful. Inspiring. I saw this same strong will in my Dad. Again, powerful, inspiring, and a blessing...to many.

We make choices in our lives. We make them every day. And we make mistakes, which in turn can bring us heartache and pain, yet if we are brave enough to face those mistakes and learn from them, we become richer by the day.

This is life and going through these things with those we love makes the journey that much more meaningful. Self destruction, sickness, recovery, health, death, all of these things are the roads we travel. Some of them alone, some together. All of them necessary to get to our final destination. When we can get to the point when we can look back, count our blessings and know that the pain, the mistakes and all the lessons brought us to who and where we are presently; and we can be thankful and grateful with no regrets, then life is sweet.

Is going through HELL part of appreciating and knowing when you may have already been or experienced HEAVEN? Can you experience Heaven here on earth? I have no doubt if asked, many of you would say you have experienced Hell. What and why the differences?

Much love on your journey, Lori~

It's Tomorrow

It's tomorrow. I wrote this blog titled Until Tomorrow after finishing my 4th semester at the "U." I was looking forward to some life changes, namely transferring to Weber State, which i did, but life does not always turn out exactly as you plan and you take some 180's. I start back at the "U" on Monday and I am looking forward to two classes from my fav Professor's.

I was looking forward to throwing on a suit, laying by a pool and reading a novel or two this summer. I also had ideas about "projects." Oh plenty of projects were accomplished, just not the ones i had in mind last May. I wanted to put all the old Super 8 and VHS videos on film for family preservation. Didn't happen.

 

My 3 MUSS boys.

What did happen is i was blessed with some great experiences with really beautiful people in my life. First, my boys, not nearly enough time, but that's what happens when life responsibilities hit you and you accept it head on. Second my parents, what awesome people all 3 of them are, each fighting their own challenges in life with health, aging, children, grandchildren and their own personal changes. They face them with tremendous valiance, they are great examples to me. My employees, for i have had an opportunity to reconnect and spend hours learning more about what they face each day at Phazes and i now have a new appreciation for our business and how they love and serve unselfishly. Last but not least the volunteering with Therapeutic Assets a horse therapy program for many special needs children and adults. The program is hosted at Allen Horse Play which is owned by my parents, where i call home. i grew up on this (used to be dairy farm) now horse stables, and it brings me peace each time i am able to spend time on that hallowed ground and remember my roots.

Zion loves every Thursday at the Stables. The horses do not love Zion, she is annoying.

 If your tomorrow does not turn out as planned, look at it this way, maybe it is for the best and all things have purpose, lessons can be learned if you look and are willing to let things take their course...things are as they should be. You just have to have a funny thing called, faith.~

Until Tomorrow

What's important to you?  
What motivates you? 
What do you fear the most?

What brings about those fears? Often we fear what we do not know or cannot control, last time I checked no one has a crystal ball that actually works, do they?



We as human beings have a tendency to compare...be it our material possessions, our appearance, our status, even our children! We jockey one against another and it is all to our self detriment. It is human nature to be self interested and it is also human nature to steer away from pain...for these reasons we conflict in so many ways.

Our family is no different and we have gone through divorce, death, bankruptcy, religious dissension, and political dogma.

We roast each other for our foibles and sometimes hurt each other's feeling...and we get over it...






our family is a group of communicators, and through pain and strife, we end up working it out.

My Mom and Rondy Mom2 sharing laughs about the grandchildren

Love conquers all.

I am going to take some time off from wildflowers and weeds blog. I have some people, projects, and priorities that I would like to give complete attention to. There is a time and a season for everything. Summer is my favorite season; I intend to enjoy it.

I don't know what's ahead. No one ever does, but I trust and move forward with complete faith and optimism for what ever the future holds is... as it should be.

2009 Finale-Part II

Flower & a Movie. Oh I know it's supposed to be dinner and a movie but I'm not picking food to finalize my year!

The movie: Dr. Zhivago.
Every year during the holidays I watch this classic. I love the history, the scenery, and the message of the most awful gut wrenching acceptance of the dreadful things that life and war deals to people. War not only effects people during the present but goes on for generations.

There are so many different types of wars we battle.

I noticed that Lara's character always had flowers wherever she was. First in the battle zone where they treated hundreds that were wounded, then in her very modest apartment.

Which brings me to--


The Flower: A Sunflower.

My final pick for this year is the Sunflower, for its message of Hope and Sunshine as a New Year begins.



Here's to 2010...may the Wildflowers grow all around you, and in your heart.

With love, L~

HIS Parables

Few argue of His ability to teach. But He did not spell things out. He taught in Parables. He made you think and ponder, something that seems to be more difficult to do these days.

Why is that?

We occupy our minds with so many things...we put our value on things we own or do. We like to think it is always the other guy who does this?

Why is that?...We are imperfect, and working on it...

We celebrate His birthday today. I am grateful.

April Showers Bring Yellow May Flowers

There are some things I seem to be eternally drawn to since I was a teenager, Spring because it brought Summer. Flowers, especially Daisies. Groups like America and Three Dog Night, and songs like Something in the Way She Moves by James Taylor (love his clear and simple voice), and the classic, Pieces of April by Three Dog Night. This video is sappy and I love it.

Words from Pieces of April:

April gave us Springtime and the promise of the flowers and the feeling that we both shared and the love that we called ours.

We knew no time for sadness that's a road we each had crossed We were living a time meant for us and even when it would rain we would laugh it off.

We stood on the crest of summer beneath an oak that blossomed green.
Feeling as I did in April not really knowing what it means.

But it must be now that you stand beside me to make me feel this way. Just as I did in April but it's a morning in May.

I've got pieces of April I keep them in a memory bouquet, I've got pieces of April but it's a morning in May.

I'm 45 now, no longer that carefree teenager. My memory bouquet is large, beautiful and colorful, but it is sick of the rain and is in need of some fresh mountain air and maybe I can find some of my Sunshine there too...

I hope you find your bouquet of flowers in the sunshine of your life, sprinkled with a little shower...now and then.