All That LIfe is Made of

26 years ago I gave birth to a most exquisite boy. I bonded with him immediately and have enjoyed a closeness to him that has brought me a happiness all my life. I call him my beautiful "Chaser" and he most certainly has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. I am a fortunate woman to have the relationships I do with my 3 sons that have always treated me with love, respect and compassion.

Like all families we have been challenged, to the very core, with life's lessons. I must admit that there were times of feeling victimized...and there were times of nearly falling to complete despair. During those dark hours, it was my 3 boys that kept me hanging on, for giving up was just NEVER an option.

It has been said that it is darkest before the dawn. And because of this darkness, when the dawn comes, the light is more beautiful, bright, and can warm the soul for eternity.

We all have poignant events that happen in our lives; my dad getting cancer 4 years ago was a huge turning point for me as well as our family. It seemed to put in motion a compelling quest for me to become a completely authentic woman in all I stood for. This quantum leap for me was something of a necessity to sort out many years of inner darkness. I had desired to overcome and understand these black days off and on my whole life; and due to many miracles involving opportunities and people coming into my life I have come to know a deep peace. I suppose the peace I feel now was something that I always felt had alluded me, but perseverance has been afforded me by my great posterity of strength and character.



Our thoughts do make up our lives. And whether you view the universe as hostile or friendly you are right! The sadness and atrocities of this world will continue for there are lessons to be learned in every hardship and challenge. And when we come to embrace and accept life just exactly as it is, resisting no more, life will be joyful!







For those who have followed my blog for the last 5 years and related with my journey, I do hope that you have gained a certain amount of understanding, as well as a greatest amount of compassion for your friends, family and lovers. These things are tender and are all the things that life is made of...

It's Right Around the Corner

Earlier this week I rode my bike to class and I snapped this picture. How beautiful--life in motion, as simple as it may be: to walk, to learn, to live.

This is the path I take as I ride my bike home from class in the evening hours, how enlightening, how perfect.

And today, the intention of the crowd, to experience "the game." They accept the idea that win or lose...this will be fun! Losing sucks but it IS part of the game.

My 3 boys are at the stadium enjoying a football game after some tailgating activity, 2 dogs are at my feet and I have plenty of studying and homework ahead.

This the the beautiful stadium across the street from where I live, and yes, love is always right around the corner, sometimes you just have to look really hard.

A Whiter Shade of Pale--revisited

Who is? the Wisest Man Alive

I live deeply. It is who I am. I make no apologies, and my hope is you make no apologies for how you live and the choices you make. We live and we learn through all of life experiences. We embrace and then we let go. I have character built by change, opposition, conditional love (painful), and beautiful unconditional love.

I love this model concerning change by Kubler-Ross:

True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us...we go through the "change curve" and become renewed as individuals, richer in life and soul.

I have no doubt, no question in my mind that each of us.... each of us is the captain of our own ship. We choose. We choose how we perceive, interpret and use the experiences in life to grow, to become better, or....become worse--victimized by life situations and tragedies.

We are never standing still. We are as spiritual/human beings taking in all that life offers, all that life requires, all that life gives...and all that life takes...

I am grateful for my challenges. I am grateful for the humility that life serves on a silver platter, for as Socrates says:

I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.

Socrates

I will never forget the time I was with a dear friend in a book store, my desire was that i could read every book, searching, understanding, accepting and loving every individual for their words, their perspective, their understanding of life, through their eyes and what they shared...writers have desire to be understood...and I suppose...don't we all?  

Another profound Socrates quote:

True wisdom comes to each of us

when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us.

Socrates

Wisdom: EQUALS-- discernment, understanding, enlightenment,...and it is ever evolving, moving, growing and challenging us to know, WHO we are, WHY we are here, and WHAT we are doing to improve ourselves and the lives of others...

 

PROFOUND. L~

Tomorrow's Surprises!

A year and a half ago on May 9, 2011 i wrote a blog titled "Until Tomorrow." My closing statement was "I don't know what's ahead, no one ever does, but i trust and move forward with complete faith and optimism for what ever the future holds is..... "as it should be."

Three months later, August 20th, i posted another blog as a follow up entitled "It's Tomorrow."
Little could i fathom the twists and turns, falls and surprises my life would take...

A week or so after my first post "Until Tomorrow" i was sitting in our living room when my husband of 27 years approached me about my indifference towards him and said "we should get a divorce." I agreed. There was little discussion or fighting by then. He had scheduled a few sessions of marriage counseling some years prior, too much, too little, too late, i was exhausted. I'm sure he was exhausted as well, at least for a couple of months.


He went to stay at a nephews cabin for a couple of weeks. I then chose to move out of our home of 18 years. I felt it was the best decision for all concerned. Four months later it was necessary for me to move again; into a 3 room space in my fathers building above my business. It's a comfy place and i now call it home.

My home one year ago 

My living room

My bathroom

My bedroom

Those were some tough, albeit funny times and I'm grateful this Christmas season to not be living amongst a construction zone and sleeping on an air bed. Although PAC loved the obstacle course it provided....

I've always said "you can do anything if you know there's an end in sight." One year ago i had spunk, stamina, guts...and i had no idea what tomorrow's would bring. Like i said, none of us do...

I've come a long way baby from that dusty disaster! I love sleeping on a mattress and I love my jetted tub i got on KSL for $400 bucks. I also laugh about the night i woke up after, who knows how many hours, as i had fallen asleep on that toilet. My long legs worked very nice as a pillow that night.

I hate pity, I hate people to feel sorry for me or for anyone, for that dis empowers all of us. Compassion, empathy, Yes! Entitlement, whining--I've seen the victim role played out in so many ways i could gag; and I've played it before, and I discovered this profound truth, it produces NOTHING! Surprise!

Other profound truths: ...nothing is fair about: unexpected or unexplained death of a loved one or divorce. I've experienced both and it does not matter how you slice it or dice it...if hurts! You love someone and they're gone, at least from this life = PAIN. And if you've been through death or divorce and you did not hurt you are one cold person or you're in denial. Now none of this means you cannot pick up the pieces and have a good life or even a better life? Heavens no! Suffering is necessary--until it is unnecessary (you have to think about that).

People pretend all the time...and i have no problem with the motto "fake it till you make it!" I also have come to know "you think you know people, and then they surprise you!" This year has been full of SURPRISES!

As i wondered back on May 9, 2011---

 3 questions to examine:

What's important to you?
What motivates you?
What do you fear the most?

i'll add 3 more questions this year:

What disappointments have you endured this year?
What surprised you about this disappointment, i.e. did you not expect this to happen?
What have you learned about your experience(s)?

After the experiences of 2011/12 I've learned a LOT! I hope your experiences have done the same for you.

Things change. People change (and sometimes they don't). You accept it/them, or you Don't. But move on, We Must.

I hope you do examine these questions-- and you live true...

 

What's hiding be Hind the Expert?

  It is a Sunday afternoon; I sit peacefully in my living room with Zion faithfully at my feet.

 

Crazy times with fam at 4th of July parade

It has been a week full of fun, laughing, visiting family, talks with my boys, long hours working, disappointment and hope.

I have attended parades, parties,
been in a court room, conducted meetings, reconciled bank accounts, posted payroll and played affectionately with the Grandogs.

I have wondered...the Ups and down(er)s of life, "are we pro-active or re-active to them?" I ask myself this question and i ask it of those i choose to be involved with. You may do the same?

I live deeply and passionately, no matter the direction life is taking. I love life. I am blessed with spirit and challenges that exercise my strengths. I ask myself, "what and whom am i responsible to? How can i improve my life and positively effect and influence those around me?" Being pro-active in the affirmative to answering these questions make me happy, even if circumstances and situations are not perfect.

You JUST MAY not know EVERYTHING

I don't live in a perfect world. If you do, could you invite me in to visit for but a moment? Interesting question because everyone has their own definition of "perfect" and possibly, just possibly... everyone views it differently?! What i find interesting and quite comical in a room full of 'EXPERTS' on any given subject is, how arrogant and opinionated they may become!

To put oneself in another persons shoes is compassion. To evaluate or judge without experience is egotism.

As for me, I am approaching my 49th birthday with great zeal, knowing that the more i learn the less i know; the more life i face willingly the more authentic i become.





I wish you enough challenges to make you strong;

enough humble pie to teach you to cry,

enough sun and children in your life to make you smile...











and of course...a dog that pierces your heart so even when you're grumpy, you feel love. All ways.

















Lori~

Nature vs. Nurture

The debate of nature vs. nurture is one that never seems to be resolved. This is a forever fascinating subject and one that if given the chance to delve into you learn much about others, family and yourself. I have loved the phrase,

"there are two kinds of people, those who must live life to understand it, and those who must understand it to live it."

Looking back i have had two Phazes (sorry for the shameless plug of my business) and i have gone through both; first the living life trying to understand it, and now the second phase of trying to understand it while i live. For both of these phases i see the effects of my biological genetics taking their place, and my life long environment having its immense influence as to my actions and reactions to life situations and stimulus.

You as readers don't read to know about me, you read to have more insight about yourself, or at least this is my goal. So these are the questions i ask you to ponder for these are my personal observations that have helped me get through the twists and turns, the triumphs and disappointments of life, and helped me to progress and persevere.

1. What is your deep seated motivation to live as you do?
2. What are you most proud of in your life?
3. What makes what you are proud of so special, or different that you have chosen it?
4. What are you ashamed of?
5. Why are you ashamed of this?
6. Would you change it if you could, or has it developed your character?
7. If you were to die tomorrow, are the people you love and want in your life surrounding you now? If not, why not?
8. Are you living authentically?

These are all important questions to examine, ones that may need visiting from time to time. Our genetic makeup influences us to be one way, and our environment molds us into the ways in which we perceive life as we know it. This becomes our truth.

Discomfort from PAC the PUP

everywhere he's not supposed to be, yet he's a pup in training, these things take time

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or  truer answers.

M. Scott Peck

Last night at approximately 45 minutes prior to the first PAC 12 kick off game at the Rice Eccles stadium the University of Utah Utes hosted Montana State. i wanted to be part of the festivities as i am a student and fan (without tickets to the game) so i took my dog Zion and my new grandog PAC on a walk--destination: MUSS section touted as one of the best college crowds in the country,  to join the crowd and meet up with my kids. PAC the effervescent American/English Bulldog PUP did rather well walking beside Zion in his newly purchased red (albeit too big) harness.

Grandmog was quite pleased, then it happened, we are outside the stadium and the band begins to pound on the percussion; and PAC starts into some fit of panic and squirming unfamiliar to me and certainly uncomfortable to bystanders as no one seems to come to the aid of the funny lady battling with one out of control dog and one completely disinterested yet well-behaved dog.  Hummm?

I shuffled PAC as far away from the sound, which happened to be on the curb of 5th South, certainly not a quiet street being shortly before the biggest game ever to be hosted at the stadium. "OK! Where is the DOG WHISPERER?!"
 

PAC's "Dog Whisperer" Dad Tan

I think to myself "calm and assertive." I hold PAC closely to my body and calmly rock him. Zion is basically nonchalantly acting..."as IF PAC, get a hold of yourself, we are in public and you are making a FOOL out of all of us, especially yourself!" She patiently stands close and waits. One man does stoop down and said to me, "you have a scared puppy there?" I say, "yes." He leaves, this is no time for dog chit chat. I cannot loose my focus i must hold on to this pup for if i don't i take the chance of him darting across this busy street and getting loose or much worse he could get hit by a car...cause an accident.


 I look up and low and behold a UofU VIP bus is slowing in front of me on the road and i pick that pup up (all 30 squirming lbs) of him, Zion faithfully following me no matter where i go. Driver sees my determination to get on that bus no matter what, he opens the door and i say "i need a ride, just a block or two or i'm going to lose control of this nervous pup." The driver is not so amused. But the VIP's on the bus are kind and inquisitive to my darling scared grandog and we enjoy dog talk for less than 5 minutes, and i am in safety zone past the heavy sound of percussion.  We have control, not calm, but at least control.

but can i trust you?

I seem to find myself in these predicaments at times and then i look for the lessons and it is summed up in this...PAC and I learned to trust one another during that time. We were both uncomfortable for a time, but through that trust we found a way to work through a situation that could have turned out unfavorably. We bonded that much more and for that i am even more crazy about that pup. i expect our relationship to continue to grow. that's how it works, risk, put it out there, trust, learn, grow, move forward, repeat. When i think about it the alternative is to retreat, think he is too much work or give up. When unconditional love is the prize it's worth some discomfort, and searching for different ways could be exactly what the PAC needs.

contentment after the discomfort

Something to Ponder

I have often wondered what percentage of the population suffer from false consciousness (and I am not talking in a political sense). And what percentage of the population, SERVE those who are in a state of false consciousness...

Peachy

Do you have any resentments? I am working through some long time resentments; resentments that I've had that have been placated or buried for so long I hardly knew they existed, or if i did I was frightened to let them be known. As they come to the surface, at times, my heart literally feels as if it is going to burst in two. I then try to go to a safe place, become very still from within, accept all that is, have faith in a better tomorrow, and let things BE.

This is a discipline I have learned the last few years. Sometimes I am better at it than others. This means of healing and self nurturing is something I value very much.

There are a couple of favorite books I keep handy and will ponder certain quotes from--these two I particularly like...

Know your limits, not so that you can honor them, but so that you can SMASH them to pieces and reach for magnificence. Cherie Carter-Scott

There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Life may not always be PEACHY, but think of ALL the great things you can make with peaches!

How DO you get rid of Crabgrass???

I was raised in the country. It seems many people had problems with crabgrass. Was there an answer? Not really, you tried to kill it off and start over. It is the dreaded plague ewe....

When I first read An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison I was convinced I was not manic depressive. Maybe more so I was scared speechless that I never could conceive I could have such a devastating illness such as THAT! I went to my first psychiatrist and convinced her of all the reasons that I could not possibly be bi-polar. She concurred. Nearly 3 years later, a nine month period in bed, a couple of high producing manic episodes and a statement in my counselors office that came out of my mouth such as, "I have been kicking butt and taking names and I just crashed", was the final realization, 'Lor, you have a problem!'

I picked up the book again after that and reread it. It was not so scary this time. My life had been scary those past few years. My mind had been quite violent. You get that way when your chemicals are out of balance. What I have come to realize and fully embrace is that it is not my fault. I am not embarrassed about it and I am not one bit ashamed to talk about it. I pity those who are and I am saddened by those who stick their heads in the sand and pretend that it does not exist. It exists all around them! Most families are just to prideful to admit it.

I take full accountability for myself and my actions. Particularly the part of taking my medication, seeing my doctors, and keeping myself knowledgeable about the illness and other mental illnesses as well. We fear what we do not know. I now understand how my brain works and there are chemicals that don't stay balanced without the help of the med's. I realize it is no different than a pancreas that does not make enough insulin to regulate blood sugar. However our brains are complicated and we need to do much more research to understand them more fully. Unfortunately those with mental illnesses stay quiet and suffer alone because of the stigma or the possible repercussions in the work place, not to mention the entire can of worms it opens with insurance.

My son Chase read Unquiet Mind just last week. This is a small portion of the letter he wrote to me following his reading the book...

...I see the similarity of the obvious things such as no sleep and accomplishing super human things when you are manic and then when you are depressed you feel hopeless and sad and wish you were dead. But interestingly I found that each of you, even though at times you wish you were dead, you never regretted being born. You made the separation. I also found it interesting that she knew life was something good and that there were things to be happy about and that the world wasn't all bad. I feel that you feel the same way. The last thing i noticed is that when both you and she are manic you get so many things going that when you drop and lose all energy and strength you are left with so much to do that you've started but can't get it finished so it places stress on you...I want to tell you how much more I've come to love you and appreciate you after reading these books. I love you and you are my hero. I can't say more about who my Mom is and that I'm Her son. Mom I love you and you are special. I thank you for your love towards me and the mother you've been. I couldn't imagine having somebody different for my mother.

My three sons have been amazingly loving and respectful towards me. My husband has been long suffering and patient. They have all suffered along with me. We now enjoy a quite normal life because we do understand this illness.

How do you get rid of this illness? You don't! You manage it! It can be managed just fine in many cases and you can enjoy the green grass...or you can pretend there is nothing wrong,blame it on everybody else, swing from high to low, make your family miserable and just be an all out crab. You choose.

Knot Weed & Not Sick?

I had an interesting experience while on my cruise last week. I met a man whose wife was severely bi-polar (same illness as mine). He was very inquisitive, defeated, frustrated and seemed to be feeling his marriage may be heading for divorce. 95% of all bi-polar marriages end in divorce (his statistic). I had never heard this statistic, however I am not surprised. His wife was in a current manic episode and he was accompanying his beautiful daughter on her Senior trip. This gentlemen is an extremely well-educated successful man and they have a very large family.

This is a difficult situation, to say the least, on all accounts. My summation coming from spending the evening talking with him and a few others at our dinner table was this: This illness is real, you cannot see it, and there is denial on everyone's part, so everyone deals with it differently. That does not make anyone wrong, however if you want to function, or function well it takes knowledge. Knowledge takes effort.

Effort, first on the part of the sufferer. The person with the illness, MUST understand and know their body and brain chemistry and their illness! They must be responsible for their health as best they can, which is taking their med's, going to their doctor's and understanding their triggers. Their self awareness is imperative to their health and happiness as well as how it affects the entire family.

Second, the family has to be involved by understanding the illness and knowing when Mom, or whomever is sick. Which means depressed or manic. The brain chemistry is off. Too much or too little feel good chemical being emitted into the brain and things are just not right. It effects everyone differently, so do not expect this illness to look the same on everyone.

The media has frighted us. We hate the label "mental illness." Why is that? I think the Knot Weed is pretty in one form. Being manic is a blast, but I am still sick, at least I know now what goes up must come down. Life is perspective. We must remember to keep ours positive and non-judgmental. What is that saying, walk a mile in someones shoes...